Chapter Text
November 2013- the next day after the speech therapy.
“So, Olivia, Elliot will be simply an observant in this session. This appointment will not be therapy but something else.”
He’s gripping her hand tightly, when she turns towards Lindstrom with inquisitive brown eyes. There’s a curiosity there, one that reminds him of the Olivia of old, eager, curious to get to the bottom of a mystery.
“What?”
It’s a word, one that gives many answers but also one birthing a lot more questions.
“You know, as well as being a therapist I’m also a licensed hypnotist.”
The word drops heavy on their laps, Lindstrom’s intentions becoming clear for what’s about to happen today. Olivia’s hand tightens against his own, her fingers squeezing the life out of his hand.
She’s nervous and he understands, this was something unexpected, something she hadn’t seen coming in her rehabilitation process, out of nowhere. She knew that it would happen, just not at this exact moment.
The therapist tries to calm her down when he gazes at her, seeing her scared features glaring at him.
“The process will be harmless, I’m going to explain what will happen every step of the way. Elliot mentioned the gaps in your memory and how you want to remember. This is the only way I know how. You can refuse at any time Olivia, I won’t be offended. We always act according to your wishes. If it’s not something you want to do, then we don’t do it.”
He soothes her by rubbing her palm with his thumb, giving her courage in his own silent way. He wouldn’t dare speak, not because he doesn’t want to or can’t but because this is her decision, her own demon to take down.
Memory is a funny thing, a chest full of treasure kept under wraps by a padlock needing a key in order to open. If the chest is our brain and the treasure the past moments of our life, then the key, the trigger, is our neurons inside our cortex. The instructions our brain gives to certain parts of the mind in order to make us remember.
It’s a whole complicated process and he doesn’t think a brain surgeon can help her in this. Only a licensed, experienced hypnotist can unlock past memories and aid her in this journey of self discovery.
“So, do you want to start?”
Olivia turns towards him, asking with gentle words something a few years ago her counterpart would have never done. He likes this new side of her, the one that makes herself vulnerable to him, although that doesn’t mean he isn’t missing like hell the fire in her spirit.
“Y-you’re gonna b-be here?” she asks stuttering with her words.
“Of course, Liv. You remember what I said years ago when we first became partners?”
In front of those precinct lockers ,when they were younger, and she was still active on the job,before the injury. He said it like a prayer, a valuable secret only for the two of them to know.
“R-remember El. Partners, for better or worse.”
“I meant it, I’m always going to be here beside you. You were my rock many times and now I’m gonna be yours.”
There’s a hopeful smile on her lips telling her to try this.
Lindstrom faces her, asking with a raised eyebrow the verdict of their conversation.
“So are we ready to begin our hypnotherapy?”
Elliot examines every single detail on her face when she simply nods.
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“Tell me a moment that’s blank for you, Olivia. One where you think something more is there."
He’s in the chair behind Lindstrom, observing quietly and examining the whole process from up close. Liv is laid down on the soft recliner, ready to see if she can start the process of battling the empty spaces of her mind.
“I r-remember one day….C-Cragen called me to his of-fice. H-he told me som-ething bad there. I can’t remember what. “ she speaks clearly but shaky. Speech therapy is a slow process after all and the patient tends to mess up their progress a little if they are in an upsetting stage.
“Do you remember the year? “
“It w-as 2000…. I think “
Lindstrom is writing it down as he speaks loudly. “The month, time of day maybe?”
“T-think was December.”
An ugly pit of anxiousness rears its ugly head, bile rising to his throat. He knows exactly what moment she has blank, which one she needs to remember. The announcement of her mother’s death, Serena.
“Great, that’s great. Now, I need you to close your eyes and go to your happy place. Where is that Olivia?”
“S-quad car. Me and El. Laughing, eating.”
“Keep that image close to you. You are safe, relaxed. Infuse yourself in that moment , live it until I tell you to open the door of the squad car to get out.”
Elliot had read about hypnotherapy when Lindstrom told them they would try it out at some point in the future. He needed to know the steps, how he should act during the session. He can tell at this exact moment , the therapist established an environment that’s comfortable and safe for Olivia.
He will continue by taking her step by step to the exact scene she’s talking about. She’ll live the moment like a participant or a spectator; however she feels safer.
He hopes it works. He prays she can get something encouraging from this.
There’s been many times the first session isn’t successful. If that happens, he has to be there and support her, love her through the tough first time.
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During the whole ordeal, he sees how Lindstrom guides her, how she repeats to him in her catatonic state that she wants to live the moment and not watch as a mere spectator. He can feel she knows it’s something deep, bad and Olivia was never one to shy away from her troubles or pain, she faced everything head on, even if the results killed her.
Finally, she reaches the scene, like a movie playing in slow motion. That day is one he couldn’t forget even if he wanted to. It was the first time he felt the fire of compassion, of soul magnetism with his partner. Yeah, he felt protective as hell towards her during the White case but this was different. This was a tragedy, this was about family and he knows all about how they can hurt you in the worst way possible. It’s a slippery slope, a slow death. One part of you is relieved, the other is tormented. Their parents were both addicts but Olivia’s became one because of a traumatic event, one that brought upon her existence and she always felt guilty about that.
That particular day, he only saw the results of Cragen’s announcement, didn’t go with her inside the office. He was with Munch in the recording room, still watching footage. He only experienced the aftermath, the collapse. Olivia’s face crumpled as she was announcing she was taking a day, that her mother was dead.
He remembers the spark of affection, of deep compassion and love even then. Kindred spirits. He didn’t even manage to say his condolences or sorry, only watched her as she left with impressive speed outside the squadroom. He was left battling his own memories of when he heard about his father’s death -wanting to hug her deep at the same time, to make her feel his love
He has a vivid picture on his mind of the after, but Olivia does not. He she get some support from his presence, that it brings her some comfort.
“Close the door.” She’s unsure as she steps inside. She doesn’t like the feeling Cragen’s voice brings her.
“Sit down, Olivia.” He’s asking her to sit; that means something important is about to be told.
“What?” she asks, a hint of inquisitiveness, what does he want to tell her?
“I really think you should sit down.” He insists and Cragen was never this demanding before.
“Well, just tell me what’s going on?” No beating around the bush, she doesn’t need to sit, just to give her whatever it is straight.
“Your mother had an accident. I am so sorry. She didn’t make it.” The whole sentence is like a blow to the gut, the pain is raw, consuming. Serena….dead.
“How?” She asks right away, ready to demand how her mothers’ end came while she wasn’t there.
“She fell. Ugh, down the subway steps, 110th and Broadway.”
Immediately, she starts to protest. “No, my mother never takes the subway.”
“The entrance outside the velvet room.” All she can watch is the devastation on her Captain’s face when making the announcement.
“She was drunk.” It’s a statement, something she comprehends all at once. Olivia realises her mother was killed by her own addiction. She had accepted it, a part of her knew that Serena and alcohol would always be eternal best friends, part of her knew that it would be her downfall but she didn’t think it would come this soon. Only at fifty six.
She receives a nod only for an answer. A nod that breaks her heart but releases it all the same.
There’s a sharp inhalation of breath, Olivia stopping the narration of the event. There’s sweat on her brow, a tear dropping down her cheek. She’s in torment, suffering and he won’t sit down and watch her go through this while in a catatonic state.
“Wake her up.” he yells in a hushed tone.
“Mr. Stabler this is a delicate-“
“I said, wake her up. She’s suffering.” The blue of his eyes is threatening, a storm ready to take Lindstrom to hell and back.
He must have understood the weight of his words because he begins the process of leading her out of the hypnotic state. If Elliot had tried waking her up by shaking her the damage might have been irreversible. Patients that receive hypnosis therapy need to be taken out of it gently , with guidance, even if they are upset.
Step by step Lindstrom reaches the final stage that begins the countdown of her awakening.
“Now, I’ll count to three and you’ll open your eyes.”
“One, two…three.”
Olivia’s brown eyes open, her mind fog clearing up as the moments of her trip down memory lane come back. She’s shaking, crying as he runs at a lighting speed, drawing her in his arms and kissing her forehead.
“K-knew she…. dd-died. J-just didn’t rem-ember h-ow or w-hen.”
A torturous tear slips past his own cheek, absorbing her suffering and letting it burn his skin as it drops hot, engulfing him in the same pain she feels.
He can only offer comfort, two souls battered and bruised but breathing now only for each other.
The incident with Jenna taught him she’d never be alone ever again, she will always got him with her, a personal bodyguard. He’s her lifeline now just as much as she’s his.