Not Just Because It's You

by The_law_scholar

Chapter 2

Spring of 2016

“Fucking Christ,” Izzy groaned, leaning forward with his head over the bag. “That took no time at all, did it?”

Ed scoffed from behind him, massaging Izzy’s shoulder. “Whole 47 minutes. That’s impressive. Almost lasted an hour, Iz.”

Izzy spit into the bag and groaned again. “They always say it takes a couple hours to start puking, and I don’t think I’ve ever lasted that long.” Izzy retched, his entire body shaking as he brought up a mouthful of bile and water. “I just want to do this at fucking home.”

“Yeah, but at home we don’t have the giant blue condoms for you to puke into. That’s the bonus of the hospital, mate. When you puke in the toilet at home, it doesn’t have the little lines that tell you how much you’ve gotten up. These are like measuring cups. We should start keeping track of your highest records.”

Izzy dry heaved. “You’re fucking disgusting.” He sniffed and leaned back against Ed’s chest, the hospital bed creaking slightly underneath both of their weight. He glanced down at the needle under his collarbone and followed the tube up to the IV pole where the perpetrator was dangling. He glared at it, and almost like it was fighting back, his stomach churned again. The bag was hazard-yellow, with the word “CAUTION” written on it in big letters at the top. It felt so weird to have something like that being pumped through his body.

“You done puking, mate?” Ed asked, still massaging his shoulder.

Izzy closed his eyes and grimaced. “No,” he whispered. There was a brief silence, then to ease the tension, Izzy added, “I gotta set a new record, remember?” Ed had a tendency to shut down just a bit whenever Izzy admitted to how sick he felt. He knew it was because Ed was worried, and he also never had to take care of someone this sick before. He didn’t fucking sign up for this, Izzy thought.

His comment got a small chuckle out of Ed. “When you’re better, we can come back and burn this hospital down, I promise.”

Izzy smiled sadly at the thought. In their position, Ed wouldn’t be able to see that his smile didn’t reach his eyes. ‘When you’re better’ was too optimistic for him. The cancer could still spread. The tumor was growing back in his knee, and he was terrified it would start attacking other places too. He could feel himself getting choked up, and tears welled in his eyes. “Yeah,” he whispered to Ed breathlessly. “I’d like that.” He stretched out his legs and winced, readjusting himself against Ed. They stayed there like that, surrounded by a comfortable silence. For a moment Izzy thought he was going to doze off, the drug completely draining the life and energy from his body, but his stomach twisted again and his mouth began salivating. “Fuck,” Izzy said, scrambling upright. Ed helped him lean forward and Izzy grabbed the bag just in time for him to heave up more bile. Ed was there again, massaging his shoulder and rubbing his back.

“Get it up, Iz,” Ed whispered. He sounded defeated. Izzy was pretty sure he was about to cry, and if he did, he would just tell Ed it was from all the puking.

***********

Winter 2023

Izzy wasn’t sure what woke him up. His face was pressed against the throw pillow when he opened his eyes abruptly, blinking away the temporary blurriness. He was still congested, his head was throbbing, he felt feverish and clammy, and-

“Fuck,” Izzy said, an all-too-familiar feeling washing over him. He jerked upright and scrambled for his leg when saliva pooled into his mouth and he realized he didn’t have time. Izzy slapped a hand over his mouth and used the walls instead to help him hop his way to the bathroom. He didn’t even bother shutting the door before he lifted the lid of the toilet and fell to the ground with a painful thud. He braced himself on the toilet lid and retched, a faucet of water, tea, and bile spilling into the toilet. He coughed and gagged, tears welling in his eyes. He sat there, breathing heavily, praying to whatever god may exist out there that this wouldn’t last long. But his stomach was still churning, he knew this would take a while. It always did.

“Izzy?”

Izzy jerked with a start, head still hanging over the toilet as he side-glanced the doorway. Fuck. He was so out of it when he woke up, he genuinely forgot he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t used to that. “Go-” Izzy swallowed back a gag and turned his attention back to the toilet. “Go away, Bonnet.” He waved his hand and retched, bringing up more of his meager stomach contents.

Stede’s footsteps were very slow. Despite his own current situation, he knew the man was probably hurting badly. Izzy could only listen, keeping his gaze on the toilet bowl, but Stede turned on the faucet. A few seconds later, a cold, damp rag was being placed on the back of his neck. “Oh, Izzy…” Stede whispered. “Are you alright?”

Izzy spit into the toilet. “The fuck’s it look like?” And he felt a little bad for snapping, maybe it was the exhaustion and listening to Stede’s painful shuffles about the bathroom. “It’s fine,” he added, just a little softer. “Not a stranger to this.”

“No, of course not, but it still must be absolutely miserable.” Stede’s hand was on his shoulder, and Izzy had to fight the urge to shake him off. He wanted to be alone. Ed seeing him like this was different. They had been married, they saw all the worst parts of each other. But this was Stede Bonnet, and it didn’t feel right for the man to see him so vulnerable.

The hand left his shoulder, and Izzy breathed a sigh of relief thinking Stede had decided to go back to bed, but instead, the faucet turned on again. He glanced over and Stede was filling a paper cup of water. He held it out to Izzy who closed his eyes and groaned, facing the toilet again. “I don’t want to drink the fucking water.”

“Rinse your mouth out at least. Trust me, it will make you feel better.” Izzy didn’t move and Stede sighed. “Honestly, Izzy, work with me a little here, will you? I can’t exactly get down to your level.”

Izzy sighed and leaned back, taking the water cup from Stede. He rinsed his mouth out twice, and it did admittedly feel better not having the lingering taste of bile be so prominent. “Didn’t mean to wake you,” Izzy muttered. Felt like he should say something about that because Stede needed his rest too.

Stede scoffed. “I haven’t fallen asleep yet,” he admitted. Then, almost like he was afraid of offending Izzy, he quickly added, “Not that your bed is uncomfortable, it’s not. It just… hurts to breathe.”

Izzy looked at him, and he really looked at him. Stede looked awful. His hair was uncharacteristically a mess, his eyes were bloodshot, and the one with the bruise looked more swollen than it did yesterday. Had Izzy even offered him ice for it? He hadn’t, and there had been plenty of opportunity for him to. He looked like he was barely upright, and here he was in the bathroom, placing rags on Izzy’s neck, even though it was probably extremely painful for him to move about the apartment. Izzy couldn’t help but feel guilty. The problem was, he didn’t know how to help. He ran a hand through his hair and checked his watch. It was almost 4:45 in the morning, but there were petrol stations that might have gauze at the very least he could use for wrapping. He rested his elbow on the toilet and his head on his hand and closed his eyes. He was almost out of ibuprofen too, not that he’d be able to convince Stede to take more than just a couple. He then thought maybe something like NyQuil or zzzQuil might be good too so it would knock Stede out and sleep through the pain. Izzy’s stomach turned again and he grimaced, sighing heavily. He opened his eyes and looked at Stede again who was giving him a concerned look.

“Alright,” Izzy said. He grabbed a piece of toilet paper and blew his nose, throwing it into the toilet before flushing. “I don’t think we have much of a choice here, I’ll need to run to a shop, see if I can find anything.”

Stede looked at him like that was the craziest thing he had ever heard. “Is that a joke?”

Izzy rolled his eyes. “There’s one just a few minutes down the road, I’ll be alright.” Izzy hoisted himself up, using the toilet as his leverage before hopping slowly to the doorframe, gesturing for Stede to follow him. Stede obeyed and Izzy continued to slowly make his way to the living room where he sat down on the couch and began to put his leg back on. “I bet I could find something that would knock you out at the very least.”

“Izzy, I cannot in good conscience let you get behind the wheel of a car right now,” Stede protested.

Izzy finished fastening his leg, ignoring Stede. He went into his kitchen and opened his freezer, looking for something practical Stede could use, but came up short. He didn’t have a tendency to keep his freezer or fridge well-stocked. He saw a few old bags of various things that should have been tossed a while ago and wrinkled his nose, doubting Stede would appreciate the smell of anything he had as it thawed out. He found an ice cube tray half-filled with ice cubes, something he forgot he even owned, and pulled that out of the freezer and set it on the counter. He grabbed a ziplock bag and filled it with ice, covering it with a thin, clean dish towel. He went back into the living room where Stede was standing and gestured for him to sit on the couch.

“I should’ve done this when you got here,” Izzy said, handing him the ice pack. “I didn’t even think about it. Maybe if you ice it for a bit, you’ll be able to go back to sleep. I think you’re right though, I’m not sure I’d be able to make even a quick drive right now.” Izzy hated to admit Stede was right--it almost pained him to do so. However, his stomach was killing him, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make it there without puking in his lap.

Stede apparently didn’t feel like rubbing it in. Instead, he wordlessly lifted up Ed’s old Twisted Ink shirt. It was the name of Izzy’s tattoo shop, and Izzy didn’t have to guess why that was one of the ones he left behind. Stede tested out the ice pack. He winced at first before relaxing. “Okay, I-I can see how this might help.”

Izzy sat down next to Stede on the couch and put his head in his hands as he released a shaky breath. “We make quite the pair, don’t we? Has enough time passed for you to take a couple more pills? We can try some lavender and chamomile tea too, that might help you sleep despite the pain.” Stede only shrugged, looking away without responding. “Hey, if it’s that bad, I might not have a choice to take you to the hospital, whether you like it or not. Otherwise, Ed might actually kill me when he finds out.” He punctuated his nagging with a series of painful hacking coughs and Stede gave him a few firm pats on the back.

Stede gave him a smug look. “How about I’ll go if you go?”

Izzy shook his head. “Stubborn fuck, aren’t you? No way in hell. Like I said, I’ve served my time. Besides, there’s nothing they can say to me that I don’t already know.”

Stede was silent for a moment before softly saying, “It wasn’t really the pain keeping me up. I mean, maybe that’s part of it. It wasn’t the main thing, though.” Izzy just stared, waiting for Stede’s explanation, and he didn’t have to wait long. “You’re going to think this is completely pathetic, and maybe it is, but I’m just a little shaken up. I know plenty of people get into fights, but I’m not one of them, and every time I close my eyes, I see them standing over me. Every time I start to drift off, I’m startled awake by the image of one of them pulling out a gun, or a knife, or kicking me so hard in the head, I don’t come back from it. Or I think… I think about what it would’ve been like if they had… you know. If they had done that to me. In the heat of the moment, I thought they were going to. Especially when one of them pushed me down to the ground. I thought it was going to happen right then and there.” Stede hunched into himself as much as his sore body allowed. He looked so small, so vulnerable, and for half a second Izzy saw why maybe Ed decided to spend the rest of his life protecting this sorry fucker.

Izzy didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t good at this. It didn’t help that he was completely exhausted, and his tired and fevered brain was slower than usual. “I don’t think that’s pathetic,” he began slowly. It seemed like a good place to start; he wanted to eliminate Stede’s self-depreciation because, on top of everything else, the last thing Stede needed was to feel negatively about himself over something that should never have happened to him in the first place. “I think that’s pretty normal, actually. What happened to you was traumatizing. No one could ever negate that, and if they did they can fuck right off. With trauma comes these… feelings. It’s like you and I not being able to go to the hospital, yeah? I’ve relieved things before too, and it’s not easy. It’s definitely not pathetic.”

The smile Stede threw his way was almost cocky. “You did it again, Izzy,” he said, almost sounding proud, and Izzy rolled his eyes. “Just like last night, when I told you about my sister. I think you’re better at this than you thought.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Izzy muttered. He reached for the coffee table and grabbed tissue, blowing his nose. “I’m just a fucking saint. If you want, you can sit out here for a bit and turn on the telly. The couch reclines, maybe it’ll help you sleep. I do it when I can’t sleep. Background noise helps sometimes.”

“Are you going into the bedroom, then?”

Izzy sniffed. “Nah, it’s a little easier to get to the bathroom from the couch in case I need it. I think I probably will. The telly won’t bother me, I sleep with it on all the time.” It was Izzy’s way of offering to keep Stede company during the night. It was apparent that Stede needed someone with him. “I don’t watch a lot of TV, I just have Netflix and the basic channels. You can put on whatever you want.”

Stede stood up with a wince and grabbed the TV remote off the coffee table and turned on the telly. He started to make his way back toward the couch when the sight of Izzy’s desk just off to the side caught his attention. He hobbled over, the soft lamplight still bringing attention to its contents. Izzy watched as Stede glanced down, curious, but obviously trying not to be invasive. He gestured to Izzy’s sketch pad. “May I?”

Izzy let out a hacking cough before he answered. “Go ahead.”

Stede had one arm wrapped around his torso, while his other hand began to flip through the sketch pad. “These are incredible. All your designs? I don’t think I’ve ever seen your work before.”

A sick feeling settled in Izzy’s already testy stomach. “Yeah, you have.”

“Really?” Stede sounded intrigued. “Where?”

“All over your fucking boyfriend.”

There was a beat before Stede slowly put down the sketch pad. “Right. I guess that makes sense.” Stede made his way back to the couch, taking a moment to rest his hand against the arm of the couch. His breathing hitched for a moment and he hunched over with a groan.

“Alright?” Izzy asked.

“Oh, yes, I’m fine. Just needed a minute.” Stede lowered himself down on the opposite end of the couch slowly, and Izzy winced watching him. “I think a bit of television will help distract me, thank you, Izzy.”

Izzy kept a careful eye on him as he glanced at the telly. Stede hadn’t bothered changing the station, which was an indication Stede couldn’t care less what was playing. He just needed the noise and company.

It was almost out of the blue when Stede suggested it. “I think I’m going to call Ed.”

Izzy froze. It’s not like since their divorce, Ed hadn’t been around when he was sick. He usually insisted, in fact. It was more so the fact that when Ed did pop in, it was always intimate. Not in a sexual or even romantic way, but in a way where Ed would rub Izzy’s back while he got sick, or would lay with him, brushing his hair back from his fevered forehead. Stede was aware of this, of course, but Izzy also knew that it would be different with Stede there in person. He didn’t want to cause problems between the two of them. When he was roped into spending time with the two of them, he always kept them at arm’s length. Neither of them ever pressed the matter.

Not to mention, when the two of them showed their affection toward one another, Izzy always felt a deep pain in his chest. They were actually pretty good about not showboating when he was around, but the occasional selfie they’d share, or absent-minded kisses and hugs were inevitable. Izzy knew they would be that much more so the moment Ed saw how rough of shape Stede was in. There would be coddling, kisses shared between them, hugs, and words of affirmation, and Izzy didn’t want to witness it.

Stede seemed to catch on to his reluctance. “Is that okay with you?”

Izzy shrugged. “He’s your fucking boyfriend, do what you want.” Stede gave Izzy a look of apprehension, which Izzy ignored. Eventually, after a sigh, Stede began to lift himself off the couch, a pained expression on his face, and Izzy held his hand out. “For fucks sake, I’ll get your phone. Where is it?”

Stede settled back down. “On the nightstand. It’s probably low on charge, but should be enough to make a phone call.”

Izzy stood up from the couch. “I probably have a phone charger you can use. I’m not that much of a peasant. You take type C?”

Stede gave him an almost apologetic look. “iPhone.”


Izzy scoffed. “Never mind.” Izzy limped into the bedroom and looked around. Stede had neatly folded his clothes and set them down on a chair in the corner of the room, despite the fact that the shirt and blazer and spots of blood on them, and the pants were ripped and would probably need to be tossed out. He grabbed Stede’s phone and just quickly glanced at the lock screen, curiosity getting the best of him. It was a picture of him and Ed--he knew it would be. Ed and Stede were holding hands on the beach, a beautiful sunset behind them. They’d probably have a beach wedding, he thought to himself. A gorgeous beach wedding, filled with friends and family, and laughter. Expensive drinks, food, lots of music and dancing. It would probably be one of the most spectacular weddings in history. 

And Izzy would genuinely rather get cancer again than go.

His eyes burned and he had to blink away his tears. Christ, it was stupid to get choked up about it after all this time. He’d been fine lately, why did one picture have to break down his walls? It didn’t help that he cast a glance over to his dresser where buried underneath his socks and boxers, was his ring. Izzy took a deep breath, holding back a sob. He wondered if this deep ache in his chest would ever subside, or if he was going to feel like this for the rest of his life. If that were the case, he wasn’t sure if surviving everything he had been through was worth it. Oftentimes, Izzy contemplated, on his worst days, whether he was glad he survived, or if he would’ve been happier dying at home, in their own bed, with Ed holding tightly onto his hand, holding back tears, and Izzy telling him softly and lovingly, “I’m ready, Eddie. I want to go.” It was such a selfish thought, but at the same time, Ed proved that he was able to move on without Izzy. It would’ve been harder for him if it had ended like that, but he would have managed.

Izzy bit his lip, staring back down at the picture. He wanted to be happy for them. He wanted to see the light in Ed’s eyes, brighter than it's ever been, and think, Ed, this is what you deserve. I’m so happy after all this time, you have this. Yet, the feeling of resentment came crawling back, especially when he saw how happy Stede looked too. Stede. The same man that was sitting on his couch right now, whose phone Izzy was grabbing so the man didn’t strain his injuries by doing it himself. The man Izzy had made tea for, had gently cleaned cuts for, the man who was has slept in his fucking bed. It was a lot to process at once, and even though it only worsened the ache in his chest, he knew Stede was good as a person, and good for Ed, and therefore no part of him would ever be able to turn Stede away when he needed help.

“Izzy?”

A call from the living room ripped Izzy from his thoughts. He cleared his throat and took a few deep breaths, regaining his composure. The last thing he needed was Stede to see him get emotional over Ed. Izzy turned off the phone screen and limped out of the bedroom, down the hall, and back into the living room. “What?”

“Well, I was just wondering what was taking so long. Was making sure nothing happened,”

Izzy rolled his eyes and set the phone down on the arm rest beside Stede. “Cripples are slow. Shut the fuck up. Just call Ed, aye?” Just get this over with.  

Stede did as he was told. Izzy watched as Stede scrolled through his phone before putting it up to his ear. Izzy curled up on the opposite end of the couch, his real leg drawn to his chest, and his prosthetic on the floor. He wrapped the blanket around himself and rested his elbow against the side, using his hand to prop his head. He coughed into his other hand, turning away from the phone as much as he could. It was a bit of a relief to get it out before Ed picked up the phone and could hear him.

The phone only rang twice. Ed’s voice was barely audible against Stede’s ear, but Izzy could still hear him. “Hey, angel.” Izzy felt nauseous again. Stede didn’t answer right away, so Ed continued. “What is it over there, like 5am? What are you doing up so early? Miss me already?”

Stede still didn’t answer, and Izzy cast a reluctant glance over in his direction. He had been trying to pay attention to the TV, pretending this conversation wasn’t happening, but its low volume from when he had fallen asleep to it just the night before, and the boring news segment wasn’t enough to pull his attention away from the call. Stede started to pick at the blanket that was seeping onto his side of the couch, unaware and distracted. He rubbed the material between his forefinger and thumb and drew a shaky breath, his eyes already starting to well up. Oh, fuck.

“Stede?” Ed sounded concerned. Izzy tried not to think about how that tone used to be directed toward him.

Stede sniffled. “Hey.” His voice was soft. Izzy could tell he didn’t even know where to begin. This wasn’t very well thought out, apparently. At the same time, Izzy sympathized. This was a lot to unpack. He thought about how he would handle it. ‘ I got the shit beat out of me and now I’m sleeping under the same roof as your ex-husband,’ seemed a little too straightforward. That’s close to how Izzy would have worded it, though.

But Stede was different; he was gentler. Maybe that’s why Ed chose him. There was a time when Izzy would’ve never believed Ed preferred gentle, but that was also a different Ed ago. One less comfortable with vulnerability, one who would crack jokes at the most inopportune time so he didn’t have to process his own emotions. Izzy always contemplated whether or not Ed started to go soft before or after Stede. He was fairly certain it was the latter, which left him feeling confused and conflicted.

Because if that were the case, Izzy would have to admit to himself that Stede managed to change Ed for the better. That they were good for each other. Half of him wanted that to be the case, for their sake, but the other half was resentful that he couldn’t be that person for Ed.

“What’s wrong?” Ed sounded more concerned, and Izzy hated himself for it, but he reached forward and grabbed the remote and hit mute on the already quiet TV. At this point, he was torturing himself and didn’t have any excuse for a self-pity party. Stede didn’t seem to even notice.

Stede let out a choked sob. “Something happened last night, at The Verge. There were these guys and…”

Ed went from sounding concerned to furious. “What did they do?”

“Well, they were hitting on me all night, and I told them no, but after I left they…” Stede was panting now, tears running down his face. Izzy felt uncomfortable, like he should leave so the two of them could have this moment together. He could busy himself making more tea, and even though he’d still probably try and eavesdrop, it would be less obvious. On the other hand, he felt feverish, a little light-headed from his trip to the bedroom, and still nauseous. He used those three things as an excuse to stay put, although he still didn’t have justification for muting the telly.

“Nothing… nothing like that,” Stede answered softly. The unspoken question Izzy also had earlier coming  up again. “They, just… well, they jumped me a bit.” A bit was an understatement, but Izzy would’ve downplayed it, too. “Just got roughened up, a bit, love. I’m just shaken up by the whole thing.”

“Where are you now? Are you at the house? How bad is it?”

And this was it. Stede was going to tell Ed he’d been staying at his ex-husband’s house. Stede opened his mouth to answer, and of course, at the most inopportune moment, the back of Izzy’s throat tickled. His breath hitched; he was doing his best to hold it in. He felt his face start to turn red and his eyes watered and there was nothing else he could do. He covered his mouth with his arm and let out a series of wet, hacking coughs that burned his chest and throat. It was harsh enough that a tear escaped from his eye and his lungs began to beg for air he couldn’t give them. It lasted a moment, too long of a moment, but eventually he was able to regain his breath. He grabbed a tissue off the coffee table and dabbed his eyes and then rubbed his nose with it, completely aware of Stede’s eyes on him.

There was a beat. And then, “Is that Izzy? Are you with Izzy, Stede?” Of course, Ed would’ve recognized him instantly.

Stede was regaining his own composure. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and Izzy wordlessly handed him a tissue which he accepted. “Yeah, Izzy didn’t live far, so I walked to his place. They stole my wallet, so I couldn’t get a cab. That’s going to be a whole ordeal in itself. Ed, I’m so s-”

“If you say you’re fucking sorry, I swear, Stede. This isn’t your fault. And you did the right thing by going to Izzy’s. How bad is it?” Ed sounded almost… relieved. It dawned on Izzy that Ed maybe trusted him to keep Stede safe, which was a feeling he couldn’t quite comprehend.

“I’ll live,” was Stede’s soft reply. Then, almost as though to take attention off himself and to throw Izzy under the bus, he added, “Izzy’s sick though, I’m afraid. The two of us are just two peas in a pod right now.” Izzy shot Stede a glare.

Ed sounded reluctant. “Yeah, I heard. Put me on speaker, will you?” Stede did, and Ed’s voice was suddenly louder and clearer. “Iz? You alright?”

Izzy rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Ed,” he rasped.

“You don’t sound fine, mate. I know how you get. Look, both of you two are really stressing me out right now. I’ve already got my computer pulled up and I’m catching the next flight back home.”

“But darling, your publisher-”

Ed cut Stede off. “I don’t give a fuck about them. You two are both stubborn idiots. If it was just one of you, it’d be one thing, but I don’t like the idea of both of you being knocked on your asses. It’s a long flight, it’ll take me over a day, but-”

“We’ll manage until then,” Stede interjected, still using the tissue to wipe his eyes. Izzy would’ve told him not to come, but he wasn’t exactly part of their equation. He also couldn’t really blame Ed for needing his fiance at a time like this.

“You two look after each other, okay?” Ed said, surprising Izzy a bit. “Just… just stick together, okay? And don’t kill each other either”

“Fine,” Izzy said. “I wasn’t gonna kick him out into the streets anyway, Ed.”

“I know you weren’t, Iz.”

“We’re actually getting along kind of swimmingly,” Stede added, sounding more upbeat knowing Ed was coming. “Izzy's been rather pleasant company.”

Ed scoffed. “Shit, and this whole time I thought you meant you were staying with our Izzy. Izzy Hands.”

What the fuck did our Izzy mean?

Stede let out a soft chuckle. “Well, ‘Izzy pleasant’, I should say.” Stede shot Izzy a friendly smile and Izzy just shook his head and rolled his eyes, looking away to avoid the gaze. “Like a… prickly pleasant.”

“Prickly pleasant,” Ed repeated. “Yeah, that sounds about right. Does he have a fever?”

“ He is right here,” Izzy protested irritably, glaring at the phone like Ed could see it.

“He won’t let me touch him,” Stede answered. Even though Izzy was looking away, he could feel Stede’s eyes on him. “But yes, I’d say that’s a fair assumption. His cough is bad, as you already know, and he vomited earlier.”

“And neither of you two idiots will go to the hospital?”

“Nope,” Izzy said, at the exact same time, Stede let out an offended, “Absolutely not.”

“Just my fucking luck,” Ed grumbled. “Alright, then. I’ll see you both soon-ish, alright?”

“Goodbye, kitten,” Stede cooed into his phone.

“Goodbye, my precious sweetheart.”

“I’m gonna be sick,” Izzy muttered to himself.

Stede hung up the phone with a sigh. “I feel a little better now. How about you?”

Izzy tucked himself tighter into the corner of the couch and closed his eyes. “Fan-fucking-tastic.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No.”

“I can try my hand at making tea?”

“No.”

“Do you want another blanket from your bed?”

“No.”

“I could-”

Izzy sighed and sat up. “Bonnet, do you ever get tired of hearing your own voice just… nonstop? I’m fine. I don’t need anything but sleep right now. I just need sleep. I don’t care if you’re out here, but just stop talking. The couch reclines back, so I suggest you try and make yourself comfortable because you need the fucking sleep too, alright?” Stede did as he was told and leaned back a little with a slight wince. Izzy, meanwhile, got to work on his leg. He could feel the exhaustion deep in his bones, his head was pounding, and he contemplated leaving his leg on for a minute to get some more ibuprofen but he had just gone through all of that with Stede and his pride wouldn’t let him. He also knew regardless, he was going to be out soon. He curled back up into the corner of the couch, yawning before taking another peak at Stede. A small part of him, (a very small part of him) wanted to apologize for snapping like had had, because he knew Stede was only trying to help, and it was kind of him to offer to fetch him something when moving around was hard for him right now. But Stede didn’t look upset or offended. He looked content .

Izzy reached over and grabbed the blanket where it was pooling beneath him and gave one of it a little toss in Stede’s direction. A peace offering. “Here, ‘s big enough.”

Stede smiled and draped his half of the blanket over himself. “Thank you, Izzy.”

Izzy was too tired to respond. He kept himself tucked away in the corner as tightly as possible because having boundaries with his ex-husband’s partner seemed like the right thing to do. His remaining leg was bothering him a bit through, protesting as it did every night for doing most of the work throughout the day. He stretched it out a bit with a slight grimace, only willing to go halfway across the couch, far from Stede.

“Oh for goodness sake, Israel, I’m not going to bite you. If it hurts, just stretch it out. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own flat because of me.”

Izzy cracked open one eye and looked at Stede who just gave him a little smile. He patted his lap, and Izzy knew what he was offering. He grimaced again, this time at the idea of putting any part of him near Stede’s lap. “No fucking way, Bonnet,” he said, closing his eyes again. “I’m good.”

“So your leg doesn’t hurt at all? The right one?”

“Nope. And it’s the only one, Sherlock.”

“At this point, you’re torturing yourself for no good reason. I know you feel miserable, and there’s not much we can do about you being ill, but this is such a small thing with such a simple solution, and you’re not granting yourself this one thing. You’re in pain, there’s a way to fix that, but you’d rather just deal with the pain. Why are you so… so… mean to yourself?”

Izzy wasn’t ready to unpack all of that, especially not with Stede Bonnet of all people. That was a whole psychological rabbit hole he’d have to go down with himself, and Izzy didn’t like to spend that much time in his own head. He avoided the question by slowly uncurling from his ball, extending his legs one centimeter at a time. He began lowering his head down as well, opting to put it down on the throw pillow that rested against the arm rest. He was almost all the way stretched out, but once his foot brushed up against Stede’s leg, he froze. Unexpectedly, Stede finished the job for him, and carefully lifted his leg up onto his lap. With a, “there we are, that’s better, isn’t?” His touch was slow and gentle, probably assuming Izzy was going to jerk away from him once he was grabbed. He had wanted to, but he was so tired and it did feel better to be stretched out.

On the other hand though, it was weird. He couldn’t deny that. Not just because Stede was with Ed now, but because Izzy hadn’t made contact like this with another human being since Ed. Not even something as simple as his leg in someone’s lap. It reminded him how lonely he was every second of every day, but also unwilling to risk experiencing such tremendous heartache again. He’d made a promise to himself that he’d never fall deeply in love with another person, therefore he could never be left again. 

Stede began to softly massage his ankle and calf, his thumb lightly digging into his sore muscles and Izzy wanted to cry. He buried his head in the throw pillow just in case.

“Is this alright?” Stede asked softly. Izzy could only nod. “You’re so tense. It’d do you a whole lot of good to loosen up once in a while. Let yourself enjoy nice things.”

Nice things didn’t enjoy Izzy though, he thought. And it was a two-way street. He did start to relax his entire body though and soaked in the feeling of Stede’s touch. He felt guilty for enjoying it, because Stede was Ed’s, and this felt almost intimate, but if Stede was fine with it, Izzy could be fine with it, too. He sniffled into the pillow, blaming it on his runny nose. He knew to cherish this moment because Ed would be back in a day, which meant in a day he wouldn’t matter as much to either of them. It then dawned on him that Stede went from someone he used to (still does, a little) resent, to someone he wanted to be important to. It was nearly 6:00am, which meant it was just six hours ago since Stede fucking Bonnet just walked into his life unannounced, unconnected with Ed for the first time. It only took six hours from him to go from hating everything about Stede and finding him obnoxious to seeing why Ed fell for him in the first place and got so soft when they started dating. It was easy to relax around him and Izzy knew more than anyone that Ed deserved to finally relax for once in his life.

And Stede was right, Izzy needed that too. He just didn’t know how or where to start.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Izzy woke up soaking wet and breathing heavily. It was bright in the room, the sun well in the sky now and he squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in the pillow. In the background, he could hear Stede snoring and he could feel his hand on his leg, now just relaxed on top of it instead of a grasp. Izzy didn’t want to disturb him, but a cramp rolled through his belly and he knew he was about to be sick again. Always when I get to fucking sleep. He was exhausted and getting up was the last thing he wanted to do, and  he was starting to feel incredibly weak and light-headed due to the lack of sustenance he was giving his body and mind. He let out an involuntary groan--it was more of a whimper but he was in denial--and gently wrapped his arm around his middle, placing his hand on his stomach, trying to silently communicate with it-- beg it to settle.

Like always though, his stomach was one of the most stubborn parts of him and it contracted beneath his hand, spasming, and Izzy retched. He quickly sat up and put a hand to his mouth, another dry heave lurching his body forward as the room spun. He gripped the arm rest, knuckles going white. He tried to take a step forward, except there was nothing underneath him and he almost fell to the floor, only the grip on the couch keeping him upright. It was close though and Izzy started panicking knowing he wasn’t steddy enough on his foot to hop to the bathroom. He didn’t have time to strap on his leg either, and bile rose to his throat and he accepted the fact that he was going to puke on his floor in front of Stede.

It didn’t happen though, because gentle hands lowered him into a seated position on the couch and he put his head between his leg and stump, trying to just breathe when he felt something being thrust into his hands. He opened his eyes slowly and it was a large bowl, and he didn’t care because it was something other than the floor, and it came just in time too because he heaved again, his entire body jolting forward as he brought up a mouthful of yellow bile. The taste was awful, he shuddered and gasped before bringing up more.

The blanket was wrapped around his shoulders, and Stede was there next to him, rubbing his back. “That’s it, darling,” he said softly, like a mother would console their ill child. “Get it all out, you’ll feel better. It’ll be over soon, darling. It’s going to be alright, I promise.”

Tears fell from Izzy’s eyes, a combination of the strain on his body, and the fact that no one had talked to him like that since his own mother, who he still missed every single day. Part of him, however, was glad she didn’t live long enough to see him waste away under the chemotherapy.

Another retch pulled him from his thoughts. He tightened his grip on the bowl. His stomach wanted him to bring up something he simply didn’t have, and this was always the worst part for him. He felt Stede’s hand reach up and brush back his gray hair so it was out of his face. Stede apparently took that moment to finally feel his forehead, and this time Izzy didn’t protest or move away because he was a bit occupied with other matters.

“That’s a really high fever,” Stede said softly. He sounded worried--almost borderline panicked.

Izzy spit into the bowl. “I’ll be alright,” he rasped. “I usually get pretty high fevers.” His stomach was finally calming down so he slowly lowered the bowl and looked up, sniffing. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and happened to look over in the direction of the kitchen. Nearly every cabinet was open, and there were a few dishes laying about the counter. “Were we robbed while we slept, or what?”

Stede looked almost sheepish. “I was trying to be quick. I almost just went with a mug, to be honest. I figured you wouldn’t have much to bring up.” Izzy felt incredibly grateful toward Stede in that moment. Even while in pain, he managed to get there right on time. “Speaking of which, are you done?”

Izzy nodded and Stede reached for the bowl. “You don’t have to do that,” he protested. He knew it was fucking disgusting, and Stede shouldn’t have to clean up his filth.

“You look about as white as paper right now, Izzy. I saw your first attempt at getting up. We don’t need you to fall on the floor, as I’m afraid I’m in no state to pick you back up now. Besides, we both know Ed has a tendency to… overindulge once in a while when he goes out. I have had to clean up after him before, I’m pretty desensitized, really.”

Izzy blew his nose into a tissue and scoffed a little. “Yeah, there’s a difference between cleaning up after the person you’re going to marry, and a person who means fuck-all to you.” He didn’t even really mean to say it, it just slipped out. He was exhausted, and his emotions from before he fell asleep to Stede’s touch were coming out and he was feeling a little bitter. Especially after Stede comforted him while he was getting sick.

Stede took the bowl from his grip with a soft, sad-sounding sigh. “You really believe that to be true? After everything?” Izzy stayed silent, feeling himself getting choked up and he didn’t want to risk it. Stede looked like he wanted to say something else, but opted against it. He just squeezed Izzy’s shoulder lightly before walking away. Izzy slowly laid back down, squeezing his eyes shut, listening to Stede emptying the contents of the bowl into the toilet, the toilet flushing, and then the faucet being turned on. A tear rolled down Izzy’s cheek and he quickly wiped it away.

Stede returned, setting the now-clean bowl on the coffee table. “Are you alright?” he asked gently.

Izzy nodded. “Yeah, just tired. You look tired, too.” And Stede did. He didn’t think he’d ever see the usually upbeat, annoying chirpy Stede look so run down. “Sorry I woke you.”

“You look… upset,” Stede said, brushing off his apology.

“Yeah, well, probably because I feel like shit and just puked my guts up. Might be used to it, but you could say that it’s upsetting to say the least.” Izzy shivered and wrapped the blanket around himself.

Stede didn’t look entirely convinced, but he didn’t press the issue. “That is upsetting. It’s also upsetting that you have to be so used to it in the first place. It’s unfair that you have to live like this now. I think the universe put you through enough giving you cancer in the first place.”

Izzy shrugged. “I was kind of sick a lot as a kid too. My mum would’ve homeschooled me if she wasn’t working all the time. I always felt too bad to call her when I was ill at school because I didn’t want her to get in trouble with her jobs. It led to some… messes at school. Kids used to call me ‘Dizzy Izzy’ and ‘Izzy the Spewer’. Fucking miserable, it was.”

“I’ve never heard you talk about your childhood,” Stede said. “I kind of just assumed you came into this world as a grumpy, middle-aged man who hated everyone and everything.”

The corner of Izzy’s mouth twitched. “Yeah, my first word was ‘fuck’, obviously. Instead of coming into the world screaming, I came into the world yelling ‘fuck’. I knew this whole goddamn planet sucked, and never asked to be in it.” 

Stede smiled. He took a seat back down on the couch and leaned back. He patted his thigh and Izzy assumed it meant he wanted him in the same position as last night, so he began to scoot down the couch and stretch out his leg again, with less reluctance this time. “Actually,” Stede said, holding up his hand and Izzy froze, wondering what he did wrong. “I was kind of hoping to have your other end this time.”

Izzy’s heart skipped a beat, and anxiety coursed through his already upset stomach. He felt like he might be sick again. “Stede, I… we can’t. That’s a little too much, don’t you think?”

Stede looked hurt. “Why is it too much?”

“You’re fucking engaged. To my ex-husband, at that, but that’s beside the point, isn’t it?”

“So what?” Stede looked genuinely perplexed.

“So, I can’t put my fucking head in your lap.”

“You worry too much, Izzy. Ed said to take care of each other, didn’t he?”

“I don’t think he meant-”

Stede held up a hand. “I promise you, Izzy, Ed is not going to be offended. I’ll even tell him I coddled you myself, and he’d say that you deserved and needed it.” Izzy didn’t respond, so Stede quickly added, “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, darling. Consent matters, and if you need your space, or if that’s too much for you, that’s your right to feel that way.”

Izzy’s chest squeezed painfully with hurt.  It’s not that he didn’t want it, it’s that he didn’t want it for just a moment before it was taken away from him again. He didn’t want to get familiar with the idea of being comforted or taken care of. He had spent the last few years building up his walls to protect himself and was just getting used to the idea that he’d never be held again and would die alone, miserable and hating the whole universe. “I can’t,” he whispered.

“Why? I’m not trying to pressure you, I just want to know so we can talk about it. This isn’t about Ed, is it? There’s something wrong, I can tell.”

“It is about Ed,” Izzy hissed through his teeth. “Of course, it’s fucking about Ed, you twat. I was with that man for over half of my fucking life! I’ve never had to know what it’s like to be fucking alone for the last 25-plus fucking years, and now I’m trying to figure it out, dust myself off, and keep going even though there’s no fucking point in even trying anymore. Then you fucking show up, tell me you’re marrying him, then want to act like I’m not alone when I am alone. Just when I’m starting to get used to it, you want me to put my head in your lap, you want to comfort me, act like I have someone or something when I don’t. You’re playing with me, and I was too stupid to realize it until now, but I can see what you’re doing. Is this your way of punishing me for giving you my sloppy seconds? Because I don’t have to be in either of your lives, I can just not exist to the two of you anymore, but remember it’s you two that drag me out on your stupid fucking dates. Which, I hate by the way. Have I ever told you how much I hate it? You think it’s fun for me to see you two together? No, it’s a knife in my fucking heart every goddamn time.”

Izzy was breathing heavily, Stede looked shocked, hurt, and even a little frightened. Izzy didn’t bother to try to hold back his tears and he sobbed shakily, drawing his leg up to his chest and burying his head in his knee. “Just fucking… stop, please.” He was begging now, his voice small. “I don’t know what I did. I don’t deserve this. I know I’m an asshole, but I didn’t… I didn’t do anything to deserve this. He left me, and not because  I’m an asshole, but because he can’t deal with his own fucking feelings. That I could get sick again, and he can’t bear to witness it. I understand that, I do, but that's not my fucking fault and I don't deserve to be bloody punished for it. If he left me because I know I can be such a fucking dick and hard to get along with, then he could torture me all he wants. And you…” Izzy looked up at him, eyes full of hatred. “You decided to join the fun for no fucking reason. I don't… I can't…” 

 

Izzy was feeling even more light-headed from the hyperventilating, he coughed harshly and then he hiccuped on a sob. He retched and reached for the bowl, dry-heaving, coughing, and sobbing over it. He heaved hard , his whole body going into it, he could feel the veins popping out of his neck, and he could feel his stomach contract. He had nothing to come up, and it fucking hurt. It hurt so bad. He heaved again, and again until he couldn't breathe and he thought that this was a really stupid way to die. 

 

“Izzy,” Stede said quietly like he was trying not to startle a wild animal. “Breathe, darling. You need to breathe. Can you do that for me? Then we can talk, okay? Can I touch you?” 

 

“No,” Izzy said between struggling breaths. “No, don't fucking touch me.” 

 

“That's okay, I won't touch you, I promise. Just breathe. Please, please just breathe. You're terrifying me right now.” Stede sounded like he was about to cry too, and Izzy tried not to care. He tried. 

 

Izzy managed to get in control of his breathing. It took a few minutes, and he still felt incredibly dizzy. Another sob escaped him and he put the bowl down on the table and curled into himself, pressing his face against the throw pillow. He heard Stede get up and he flinched, but then he heard the bowl being picked up and taken to the bathroom again. He heard the faucet. He heard Stede's footsteps. Then the bowl was placed down on the table again. 

 

Stede sat back down, Izzy could feel the weight shift from the opposite end of the couch. “Can we talk, Israel? There's a huge misunderstanding, a massive misunderstanding. I need you to hear me out. Please?” 

 

Izzy didn't answer him. But there was a voice in his head telling him Stede was clearly very upset right now, and why would he be if he didn't genuinely care? He had to care at least a little bit to be upset and hurt by the outburst. He drew in a few deep breaths and lifted his head off the pillow, but he still glared. 

 

Stede accepted the silent invitation. He took a breath. “Lucius lives closer,” he said. His voice was quiet, but he looked like a weight was lifted off his chest by saying it. 

 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Izzy asked, tone bitter. “Who the fuck is Lucius?” 

 

Stede pursed his lips together. “My friend, Izzy. A very good friend. I told you he was the one I was meeting for drinks at The Verge. He left only ten minutes before I did, his fiance Pete was picking him up. He was right there Izzy, just a few blocks away. We've been friends for years, I could have called him.” 

 

“So why the fuck didn't you?” Izzy demanded. “Why’d you hobble yourself all the way to my flat then?” 

 

Stede sniffled a little bit. “Lucius is a safe space, but you… I wanted to feel protected. I wanted to feel that kind of safe, and well, Lucius is more of a lover, not a fighter. Let's put it that way. You on the other hand, you in all your one-legged, cancer-surviving glory are the toughest person I know. I feel safe when I'm with you. I know Ed is always there too, and he's also tough, but you're… protective. You’re protective of everyone around you.” 

 

Izzy was silent for a moment. “And when did you first start feeling that way?” he asked after a pause. 

 

“Our first date with you,” Stede answered hesitantly. “I can tell you exactly where, I can tell you where you were sitting, where I was sitting, where Ed was sitting. I can tell you the color of the flowers that were hanging in the pot just above your head. I can tell you what you were drinking, wearing. What you ate. And what you said.” 

 

“Go on then,” Izzy said, a little reluctantly. 

 

“We were at Jackie's for brunch. Your back was facing the ocean view, I was facing it, Ed a little to my right. You hadn't hardly said a word the entire time, and we were 45 minutes into the date. I knew you hated me, I could see the glares, the tight jaw. I could also see you were trying, though. Ed and I made sure not to… you know. Act too coupley around you, we didn't want to hurt you. But I wanted to get to know you, I was desperate to get to know you. I had only ever heard great things. 

 

“There was a flower pot just a little above your head, hanging from the balcony above us. They were magenta and purple. You were drinking a mimosa, you said it would be your only one, and you held true to that. Ed talked you into it, you said you drank very rarely these days, almost never. He talked you into one, though. You were wearing a leather jacket, which you draped on the chair behind you, and you had on black jeans and a Motley Crue t-shirt. I remember admiring your tattoos, and I remember seeing your arms and physique thinking to myself ‘I refuse to believe this man was on his deathbed recently’. You're very, very handsome, Izzy. And you're very strong looking too. You were eating a salad, said you didn't have much of an appetite, and Ed asked if your stomach was upset and you told him to fuck off. 

 

“I was wearing my magenta shirt. It matched the flowers above you, much to my delight. It was like the universe planned it perfectly. The shirt with the full lapel, and ruffles around the collar. I've gotten comments before, I've always just ignored them, Ed would always comfort me afterward, anyway. I really don't mind when shallow assholes insult the way I dress. But this man walked by, he was enormous, bald and looked like he could bench press a car. He said ‘nice blouse, fag!’ And Ed yelled ‘You wanting to know if it comes in your size?’ and I laughed. 

 

“But you didn't laugh. You threw down your napkin and stood up like there was a fire,  your head not even coming up to his neck said, ‘get the fuck out of here, asshole before I fucking cut you, you bigoted prick.’ Your fists were clenched, your broad chest was heaving. And he did--this guy actually backed down and left. You didn't say anything when you sat down, you just moved lettuce around with your fork and took a drink. Ed didn't have a reaction at all, and that's when I learned that was just who you were, and Ed had lived with it for nearly three decades, so he wasn't phased. I was phased though, Izzy. And I knew you didn't say it to necessarily protect me, you said it because that guy was an asshole, and I realized you would have said that to him on behalf of anyone . I asked Ed about it when we got home, and he said it was just what you did, like he was just casually announcing the weather, but I was kind of amazed. I admired you. I admired you more when I drove by your tattoo shop later. It was on a Wednesday, I believe, your car was parked outside so I knew you were working. I thought about popping in but was too nervous. I saw all the signs, the flags posted around your shop, you warding away the bigots and assuring the public your shop will always be a safe space for everyone. I've never met anyone so gruff, and cantankerous be so adamant that other people felt safe and protected. I meant what I said last night. You’re not mean, Izzy. I thought you were maybe mean, despite what Ed said, but it took you 45 minutes to show me you're the complete opposite of mean.” 

 

Izzy’s fevered brain was trying to keep up with all of this. He could hear the words coming out of Stede, but he didn't understand what any of it meant. “Why are you telling me this?” His voice was raw. 

 

“I'm telling you this, because I want you to know that I'm not here because I want to mess with you, or take advantage of you, certainly not to punish you, you haven't done anything wrong, Izzy. Alright? You have done nothing wrong. So stop calling yourself an asshole. We're the assholes--me and Ed. I'm not trying to be affectionate toward you just so I can take it away from you. I could never do something so cruel to you. No, I've developed feelings , darling. I originally came up with the plan to include you into our lives to help Ed, but I continued for myself. Oh, Izzy, it's embarrassing to admit, but I've had a crush on you this whole time. Kind of pathetically, really. The butterflies, the sweaty palms, the skipping of the beat of the heart… I've got it all for you, every time I see you.” 

 

Izzy looked flustered. “The fuck , Bonnet? For me ? That doesn't make any se-” 

 

“I don't even want to hear you say something like that. Izzy, do you not own a mirror? You're hot. I'm not just saying that, and I'm not just saying that because I think that. You are literally just extremely attractive, it’s just an objective fact.” 

 

Izzy's heart hammered in his chest and his already flushed cheeks turned a shade pinker. “I don't know, I guess getting cancer, losing their leg, and then having their spouse walk out on them does a thing to a man's self-esteem. Haven't felt very attractive lately. It doesn't help that Ed left me and immediately started dating a cute blonde much younger than me.” 

 

“I wouldn't say much ,” Stede said.  

 

“I've got at least ten years on you, Stede. At least. ”

 

“No, you don't. How old are you?” 

 

“I'm 53.” 

 

“...Oh. Well, you're in much better shape than I am. And everyone loves a silver fox. You lift weights and run and… I don't know, probably punch sandbags and jump rope. Gym… sports… things.” 

 

“Gym sports things.” 

 

“Meanwhile, I read and listen to opera music, play the piano, and cry while watching The Notebook. The point is, of course I find you attractive. Everyone does,  even if you don't feel that way about yourself. So don't think Ed just went and replaced you for a hotter, younger model because that couldn't be further from the truth. You’re like the sexy, mysterious bad boy with a big heart and I fell for it hard. And you don't even try, either. You roll out of bed and you're attractive.” 

 

Izzy's blush darkened. “I don't… I don't understand. You're marrying Ed. And I-I don't understand how he's part of all this.” 

 

“Izzy, you're a member of the LGBTQ+ community and don't know it's possible for successful relationships to not be monogamous?” 

 

“But Ed-” 

 

“I can't say anything, anything on Ed's behalf, and I refuse to even try. That's between you two, and we were planning on having this talk eventually with you. I really wanted him to be here when it finally got brought up, but stuff happens, I suppose.” 

 

“Why have you never said anything until now? Either of you.“ 

 

“Well…” Stede began. He gave Izzy a pained smile. “I was waiting to see if enough dates with us would make you not hate me anymore. And it didn't seem like that was happening any time soon. I did try to give you a hug goodbye after one of them, and you pushed me away and looked like you wanted to stab me. All I will say is this… Ed came home drunk so many nights and would just cry for you. Told me how much he fucked up, but that he also loved me and he felt so lost. So I came up with the idea that the three of us spend time together and planned on just letting you two hopefully bond but then… whoops. I fell for you too.” 

 

Izzy swallowed the lump in his throat. “Okay…” he said softly. He couldn't deny that this made him feel a little better, considering how his feelings for Stede had started to blossom since he showed up to his flat. There was still one unanswered question though. “Are you saying Ed… Ed wants me back?” 

 

Stede chewed his bottom lip. “I'm not here to speak for Ed. He'll be here soon, darling and I'm sure you two will have a lot to talk about.” He hesitated before adding, “and you don't have to forgive him, Izzy. And he is well aware of that too. You don't owe him anything.” 

 

Izzy didn't know how to feel. This whole conversation was turning his whole world upside down. “I'll talk to him,” he decided slowly. “Won't know until I do.” 

 

Stede smiled sympathetically and patted his thigh again, an invitation for them to move past the heavy conversation and back to where they were. This time, Izzy accepted, and he scooted closer to Stede and rested his head in the man's lap, careful not to jostle the other man. Stede was quick to begin to pet his hair, and it felt good. It felt amazing , actually. He still was too guarded to let himself get used to the idea, and a voice in the back of his mind was telling him this was a mistake. He was unlovable and he was setting himself up for more heartache. Stede seemed genuine though, but Izzy knew it would complicate everything if he decided to keep his ties with Ed severed. 

 

“You're thinking too much, darling,” Stede whispered, like he could read his mind. “Ed will still be a while, try not to stress about it. God only knows that's probably the last thing your tummy needs right now.” 

 

God, Izzy hadn't heard someone use the word ‘tummy’ since he was probably four, but it was so on brand for Stede he didn't mind. He just hummed into Stede's thigh while his scalp was massaged by the tips of Stede's fingers. Stede felt his forehead again and he could hear the little sound of disapproval come from the blonde. “Alright, darling, lift your head. I'll be right back.” 

 

Izzy let out a grunt in protest, but did as he was told. He lifted his head and rested it on the arm rest instead, watching lazily as Stede retreated to the bathroom. He heard the tap, and the familiar sound of a pill bottle being jostled, the tap again, and then Stede emerged, a paper cup in his hand and his other hand cupping four pills. Izzy sat up and Stede handed him the cup of water and four ibuprofen. 

 

“Do you think you can stomach this? I can make tea too. You said during your treatment you stomached tea a lot easier than water.” 

 

It was true. Whenever he felt remotely nauseous, drinking water reminded him of the metallic taste it always had due to the chemotherapy. The herbs in the tea had helped cover it up some, especially the peppermint. But Stede looked exhausted, and Izzy was exhausted and he decided not to be a bother. “I'll just take the water, thanks. You should take a couple though yourself.” 

 

“I just did, I took two. But here's your double dose, you heathen.” Stede sat on the couch beside Izzy slowly, pain etched into his face as he wrapped his arm around his torso. “It really is worse the morning after, isn't it?” 

 

Izzy just nodded, too preoccupied with popping a pill into his mouth to verbally answer. He chased it with water, and gagged a little as the taste of copper hit the back of his throat. It's all in your head, don't be a bitch . He repeated the process three times, forcing himself to finish the cup slowly because he knew Stede would ask him to, anyway. He held his breath as he did so, trying not to think about it. When he was done, he put the empty cup on the coffee table and laid his head back in Stede’s lap. “You feeling okay?” he asked. “How bad is it?” 

 

Stede stroked his hair. “It hurts, but when I'm still like this, it doesn't as much. I think I just need to relax a bit. Some more rest will do us both some good. I'm going to start panicking if we can't get this fever of yours down.” 

 

Izzy hummed in agreement. “If you need anything, you can wake me up. I'll need to change your bandages soon, see how your forehead is looking. It was a lot of blood.” 

 

“We'll make a deal. You need anything, wake me up, I need anything, I'll wake you up, okay?” 

 

“Alright,” Izzy agreed, exhaustion settling into his voice. He prayed to whatever god out there might be listening that he wouldn't wake up needing to throw up for the third time. For both of their sake, because Stede needed rest too. 

 

“That was a nice thing you did last night,” Stede whispered. 

 

“Hmm?” 

 

“Or this morning, I should say. Letting me stay out here because you knew I didn't want to be alone, and a bit of background noise might help me.” 

 

“Ya watched the telly on mute,” Izzy pointed out. 

 

“True, but it was a good distraction. Mostly, I felt safer with you sleeping next to me. You're a kind soul, darling. A prickly, kind soul.” 

 

Izzy sniffed. “Sleep, you fucking twat.” 

 

They both did rather easily. 

*****************************

 

Izzy had no idea what time it was when consciousness crept back in. He just knew he didn't immediately feel like he was going to puke, which was good enough for him. He heard a rustling and he buried his head into what he thought was Stede's thigh, but to his disappointment was the familiar feeling of his throw pillow. He wondered if that entire conversation had been an elaborate fever dream. Maybe the entire previous night had been. He felt disappointed and disoriented; he wanted it to be real with every fiber of his being. He wanted everything Stede said to be true--that he had liked Izzy for a while, because Izzy kind of liked him. He wanted to hear Ed out (maybe), and see if the damage could be repaired. He had been hopeful, at least, but he realized that it was too good to be true. 

 

Israel Hands didn't deserve nice things. Especially nothing as nice and fine as Stede Bonnet. 

 

The rustling came again. It was quiet, but bothersome. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, hoping he could ignore it. He felt incredibly weak and shaky, and too warm.  But the sound didn't go away, so he reluctantly cracked open an eye, and upon what stood before him--or who stood before him--a rush of adrenaline had Izzy sitting up quickly, ignoring the way the room spun. Within seconds, he had the compartment in his coffee table open, a dagger in his hand, which was a gift from Ed, and he was slowly standing up on one leg, pointing it to the unfamiliar man standing before him. 

 

Immediately, the man's arms went up in the air, and he shrieked. “Woah, woah, no, no. Stede! Stede!” 

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Izzy demanded, voice dark. The young man started to stammer. “Fucking answer me!” 

 

“A-a f-friend,” the man answered. “I'm Lucius, I'm a friend of Stede's. He told me what happened and I-” 

 

The name sounded vaguely familiar, but not enough for Izzy to lower the dagger. “Why the fuck are you here?” 

 

“I just said, I-” 

 

Then Stede emerged and as quickly as he could began to make his way over to the two of them. “Izzy! Izzy! Woah, stop.” Stede stood between Izzy and whoever the fuck Lucius was, and held out one arm. Izzy was breathing heavily from the adrenaline, and he knew that was the only thing keeping him upright. “Izzy,” Stede said slowly and kindly. “This is Lucius . Remember my friend I was talking about?” 

 

“I don't know who the fuck that is,” Izzy but back, not lowering the knife. He didn't like that Stede was between them. He didn't have his leg on, and he couldn't protect Stede from the stranger very well when Stede was in the way. 

 

Stede sighed. “Well, for the fourth time, darling, Lucius was the friend I went out with when it happened. The one who lives closer, but I came here instead?” Stede looked disappointed. “Honestly, darling it was a whole thing. A very nice moment between us.” 

 

So none of it was a dream. Izzy did remember the name now, and if Lucius was someone Stede had even almost trusted to take him in after being assaulted, well that was enough for Izzy to at least lower his knife. 

 

“Jesus,” Lucius muttered, straightening out his hair, jacket, and adjusting his ascot. “I was trying to be quiet. I was going to leave this shit by the door, but you were well… indisposed and Stede can't exactly lift right now.” Izzy looked to where Lucius was gesturing, seeing paper bags scattered beside the door. “He told me you were sleeping, I was really trying not to wake you. I didn't expect to have a bloody knife held up to my face.” 

 

Izzy didn't apologize. He wasn't going to apologize when he was just meaning to defend his home from an intruder. He put the knife back into the coffee table compartment but didn't sit. That's when he heard the kettle whistle and Stede jumped into action. “Ah, the tea is ready! I think we could all use a nice cup after that.” 

 

Izzy did sit then, exhaustion and irritation settling in now that the adrenaline was wearing off. “Fucking fantastic. I'm sick as a dog and Stede Bonnet decides to host a fucking tea party in my living room.” 

 

“Yeah, Stede texted me, he said you two weren't doing… great. That was a bit of an understatement, you both look like shit. Like I said, I was trying not to get involved, but nobody else could bring all the stuff in.” 

 

“What the fuck did you bring in in the first place?” Izzy asked. 

 

Lucius beamed at that. Great, another fucking Bonnet. “Well, love, he told me he was beat to shit, and you were pretty sick, so I got the basics.” He opened the first paper bag. “Meds, of course. DayQuil, NyQuil, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Pepto, Tums, and cough drops.” He opened another bag. “Grabbed some stuff to make soup, or a nice broth. Veggies, some shredded chicken, soup bones…” He rifled through the last bag. “Oh, and the most important part!” He pulled out two stuffed bears. “Get well bears. Aren't they cute?” 

 

Fucking teddy bears. Who the fuck was this guy? “What the fuck is that supposed to be?” 

 

“Get well bears,” Lucius repeated like it was obvious. “See how they hold the little hearts that say ‘get well soon’?” 

 

“Yeah, I can fucking read, thanks,” Izzy said, disgust creeping into his tone at the sight of the stuffed animals. 

 

“They make you get well sooner. It's scientifically proven.” Lucius set the bears down on the table, and Izzy frowned at them. “It's really great to meet you by the way, Stede's told me a lot about you. And I'm a big fan of your shop.” 

 

That piqued Izzy's interest slightly. “Are you a client? Must've had your work done by Fang or Ivan.” 

 

“No, no, not me personally, but all of me and Stede's friends have. My fiance, Jim, Olu, Archie, Wee John, Frenchie, Roach…” Stede had a lot of fucking friends, apparently. “Some were done by you, I haven't gone in yet. But when I do, when I'm ready for my first, it's going to be Twisted Ink and Twisted Ink only. You're like, the only shop around that focuses so heavily on inclusion. It's really cool, mate. And all the work is absolutely incredible. I'm an artist myself.” 

 

The praise was flattering, Izzy would give him that. He brushed it off. “Well, takes nothing not to be a bigoted cunt. I started off working for a place that refused to do pride flags, or anything of the sort. That's when I decided to open my own business.” 

 

“That's actually really inspiring. And it's kind of nice to have another Brit around. I guess a lot of us decided to build new lives here.” Lucius slowly walked over to the recliner next to the couch. “Mind if I sit?” Izzy gestured toward the chair, and Lucius crossed his legs, wrapping his arms around the one on top. “It was cool for you to take Stede in when he needed it. Even though… I was fucking closer and he didn't have to walk so far bleeding in the cold!” Lucius called out the last part loudly so Stede could hear him, and Izzy heard a small “sorry!” from the kitchen from Stede. 

 

“Yeah, well, it was nothing.” Izzy gestured to the bags, wanting to change the subject. He didn't know how much Lucius knew. “Anyways, I'll reimburse you for the lot. Do you have a receipt? I can Venmo you.” 

 

Lucius made a show of patting his pockets. “Damn, must have dropped it somewhere. Guess we'll have to forget about it.” Izzy didn't smile. “In all seriousness, this is all a gift. I kind of feel shitty about what happened.” 

 

“Why is that?” Izzy asked, genuinely interested. 

 

“Well, I was fucking there,” Lucius answered like it was obvious. “I saw those creeps all over him. I shouldn't have left without him, but he said he was going to call for a cab. But as his friend, I was supposed to make sure he made it home safely and-” 

 

Izzy cut him off. “Alright, let's not blame anyone but those two fuckers for what happened, yeah? Stede's his own person, if he said he was going to call a cab, he was gonna call a cab. It's not like stuff like that happens all the time around here. I might've done the same thing in hindsight.” 

 

Lucius shrugged, looking uncertain. “Well, this is to make up for it, anyway. Just humor me to ease my guilt. I need my beauty sleep, and this will help me.” 

 

“Alright,” Izzy agreed reluctantly. “Well, when you come in for your first piece, whenever you're ready, I'll give you a discount for your first session. Sound like a fair trade?” 

 

Lucius smiled. “Yeah, you got a deal.” 

 

Stede came back in and set three mismatched mugs of tea on Izzy’s coffee table. “I knew you two would get along swimmingly. I told Izzy you were both amputees and-” 

 

“Please don't tell me you tried to compare me losing my finger to him not having a fucking leg,” Lucius groaned. 

 

Stede scoffed. “No, not necessarily, I just-” 

 

Izzy butt in. “I don't know, mate. You can't point with your left hand. That's pretty serious.” 

 

Lucius smiled. “But I can still do this,” he said while raising his left middle finger. 

 

“Well, that's the main thing,” Izzy replied. He took a sip of the tea Stede had made. It was alright, to say the least, but he’d probably need a lesson on balancing out the herbs. It also tasted like a strange combination of what he had made for the both of them last night--not necessarily what Izzy would have chosen in his current state, but he had to give props to Stede for trying.

Lucius took a sip of the tea and grimaced, setting the mug down. He turned to Stede. “Well love, as much as I appreciate the tea, I really should be going. You lot look like your on your deathbeds, and I think I should let you get some rest.” He stood and focused his attention on Izzy. “You should come out with us sometime. I think the gang would like you. We like to hit up the bars, or go to drag shows, or go out dancing. Anything, really.”

Izzy wasn’t really a people person, and he wasn’t prone to going out and doing anything Lucius just mentioned. At the same time, he hadn’t gone out and done anything with anyone in years, except for the occasional outing with Ed and Stede. “Maybe, yeah,” he decided. “Sounds like anything encompasses any activity where you lot get plastered. If anything, if you guys ever need a designated driver, give me a ring, yeah? Don’t need another one of you getting the shit beat of them in an alley.” Izzy didn’t know Lucius, and he certainly didn’t know his friends, despite having apparently done some work on some of them. He was willing to make sure they got home safely though--he’d do that for anyone.

“That’s a really kind offer, thank you.  I’ll make sure I keep that in mind.”

Izzy waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, now fuck off. I have to check this one’s,” he cast a glance over to Stede, “bandages and make sure he doesn’t die of tetanus or some shit.”

“Is he always such a ray of sunshine?” Lucius asked Stede sarcastically.

Stede chuckled. “Sunshine, rainbows, kittens, and puppies. That’s our Izzy.” Stede sat down on the couch next to Izzy, close enough that their thighs were touching. Izzy thought about leaning in, but didn’t want to with an audience and was worried about hurting Stede. Lucius smirked at the comment, and with a final farewell, went out the door leaving the two of them alone again.

Izzy jumped into action, grabbing his leg and beginning to fasten it. “You stay put. I’m going to check you out.”

“Oh, Izzy, you’re making me blush.”

“Shut up, twat.” Izzy made his way to the bathroom, a little unsteady. He relieved himself and then grabbed the bandages and alcohol and made his way back to Stede. Unlike last night, when he was sure to keep as much distance between the two of them as possible, he let their legs touch as he sat beside him on the couch. Both of their bodies were turned at an angle so Izzy had easy access to Stede’s face. He gently cupped the other man’s cheek, his thumb grazing across Stede’s light stubble as he did so. It was a much more intimate interaction.

“This is going to hurt a bit,” Izzy warned as he began to peel the bandage on Stede’s forehead. It was stuck a bit, due to the adhesive and dried blood, and it probably would have been easier to just yank it off with one strong tug like a wax strip, but Izzy couldn’t bring himself to do it. Stede winced and Izzy expected the wound carefully. “Looks good, although you’re lucky I didn’t need to stitch you up.”

“You know how to do that?”

Izzy smirked. “Yeah, I’ve stitched up Ed loads of times. I work with needles for a living, you know.” He dabbed at the wound with an alcohol-covered tissue and Stede flinched, but Izzy’s gentle grip on his cheek kept him from pulling away. “Hold still, I’m almost done.” He placed a fresh bandage over it and Stede gave him a look, more of a pout, as though he were offended of the pain Izzy had just inflicted upon him. To remedy the situation, Izzy leaned forward and pressed his lips gently over the bandage. “There. Better?”

Stede was practically glowing. His fingertips brushed up against the spot where Izzy had just kissed him. “Yeah, that helped quite a bit.”

Izzy’s thumb hovered over Stede’s black eye next. “Not much I can do for this, I’m afraid.” He kissed the corner of it gently. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Not anymore, now.”

Izzy smiled and began to gently pull up the leg of the pajama pants Stede was borrowing so he could check out his knee. He grabbed a fresh tissue and tipped the bottle of alcohol onto it, careful not to spill anything onto the floor.

“I’ve never seen you do that,” Stede said softly, sounding in awe.

“Do what?” Izzy asked as he cleaned Stede’s knee. Stede didn’t even flinch.

“Smile. Not once. Came close a few times since I got here, but that’s it.”

Izzy hummed. “Haven’t had much of a reason lately.” He changed the bandage on Stede’s knee as painlessly as possible and tugged the pant leg back down.

“But, I’m a reason?” Stede asked.

“Guess you are.” Izzy squeezed Stede’s leg gently, above his injury. “Shirt up now. Let’s have a look at the real problem, aye?”

Stede slowly lifted his--well Ed’s old shirt and Izzy grimaced at the sight of the bruising. “And not much I can do about that either, but looks like they just bruised you up real good. Thank fuck they didn’t break ‘em and you didn’t get a punctured lung.”

Stede lowered the shirt. “It was a traumatizing experience indeed, but I’m thankful for it, in some way. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them.”

Izzy smiled again. “Yeah, well, maybe that fact will stop me from tracking them down and kicking their ass. Maybe.”

“I don’t want you to get yourself hurt.”

“I’d have Ed as backup, I’m sure. He sounded rather murderous about it when you called him.”

“He was rather concerned for you as well, you know.”

Izzy shrugged. “Told you not to tell him I have a cold.”

Stede raised an eyebrow. “Oh, we’re still pretending this is a cold. That’s adorable, Izzy.”

Izzy rolled his eyes. “Shut up,” he said with no bite to his words. “Have you fucking eaten yet, by the way? Your friend dropped stuff off to make soup, I suppose, but I don’t think either of us are up for cooking.”

“I ate a sandwich that he dropped off. But I’m completely capable of making you soup, or some broth. I think you should try and eat a little something.”

Izzy grimaced and shook his head. “No fucking way. Not right now.” Stede looked concerned but dropped the matter. Izzy just continued to sip at the tea and glanced down into the mug. “The hell you put in this anyway?”

“Well, uh… herbs? I wasn’t sure what to throw in there. You said different herbs worked for different things, but my phone is dead now so I couldn’t Google it. I forgot to ask Lucius to bring me an iPhone charger.”

“Herbs,” Izzy repeated to himself with a shake of his head. “It’s an interesting blend, to say the least.”

“It’s not great, is it?”

“It’s fine. It was a nice gesture.” He set the mostly empty mug on the coffee table and surveyed the living room and kitchen. The coffee table had been rid of used tissues, the kitchen was cleaned up from when Stede made a mess looking for something for him to throw up into. “Christ, I must have been out. You get any sleep, Bonnet?”

“Yeah, you were asleep for a good six hours, I slept for a few.”

“You still look tired as fuck.”

“So do you.”

Izzy sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Could probably do with more rest, then, aye?” He looked at Stede, feeling a little shy. “Want to join me in the room?”

Stede smiled. “Yeah, that would be nice, actually.”

Izzy coughed into his arm and grabbed the bottle of NiQuil Lucius brought and broke the seal before raising it to his lips and taking two large swallows straight from the bottle.

Stede didn’t look impressed. He glanced at the bowl on the coffee table. “Should I bring that with me?”

Izzy hesitated. “...Couldn’t hurt. Should I bring your fucking ‘get well bear?’”

Stede laughed. “Only if you bring in yours.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”

He allowed Stede to take his hand and lead them toward the bedroom. Stede’s hands were soft and silky in his own calloused ones. Once he saw the bed, his heart jumped in his throat, and for a moment he was worried he was moving things along with Stede quickly. Then he reminded himself it wasn’t any different than holding each other on the couch. Izzy released Stede’s hand to take him by the arm instead and gently lowered the man into the bed. “Easy does it,” he murmured.

Once Stede looked comfortable and began to climb underneath the blankets Izzy joined him after unfastening his leg and leaning it up against the nightstand. It was flatter than the couch, and not propped up, his chest protested and he coughed again, forcing himself upright. He grabbed his pillow and propped it up against the headboard so he was elevated just a bit.

“Are you alright?” Stede asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Come over here, yeah?” Stede looked happy to oblige. With careful movements, he made his way closer to Izzy, using the older man’s shoulder as a pillow. Izzy wrapped his arms around him and scratched the top of his head. Stede had been pampering him the entire time, so he figured it was time to return the favor. “Comfortable? How’s the pain?”

Stede’s eyes were already closed. “Not too bad. I’m cozy.”

Izzy felt himself relax. He was pretty cozy too. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A cool hand pressing against his forehead was the first thing Izzy became aware of. He felt sweaty and sticky, his stomach was uneasy. The hand moved from his forehead and he felt knuckles against the side of his cheek. Izzy wondered how many times Stede would feel inclined to check his fever before he was satisfied.

The next thing he became aware of, was the hand was too calloused and too large to be Stede. It was a touch he was familiar with. It used to be the most familiar thing to him on the planet. He cracked open his eyes. “Eddie?”

Ed was looking at him, dark eyebrows raised. “Hey, mate.”

Notes:

I know I kept saying in the comments that this was coming soon, I even said ‘hopefully this evening’ literally days ago, but in my defense, I kept rewriting this, and I’m still uncertain how to feel about it, but it is what it is. Also, it’s twice as long as I meant for it to be and twice the size of chapter one, so it’s basically like two chapters. I kept meaning to stop ages ago and then that just didn’t happen. So yeah, anyway, hope you guys enjoy. Thanks to everyone who left really sweet comments on the first chapter. I’ll be sure to respond to them all eventually, my attention was just on getting this uploaded before people lost interest. Also, the next chapter will start from Stede’s perspective, which I’ve been digging into and has been fun to write so far, so I hope you guys enjoy it.

See you all for chapter three!

Notes:

I was going to involve Ed in this chapter initially, but I am so dang wordy, and this kept going on, and I wing everything I write, but we will hear from him next chapter. I'm already working on it, should be posted very soon.