Chapter Text
If you think about it, the signs have been there for a couple of months now. No, if we were to consider just the likelihood of it happening, we could go back even further, by several years.
There were already signs from the time his brother was stranded on that damn island in East Africa.
However, as he tried hard to turn his head away from them, eventually, reality hit him, in the form of his older brother.
Jeong Taeui was cutting the grass following the summer's overgrowth while receiving Peter's stern scrutiny several times. He received an unexpected visitor that day. The unannounced guest was his brother, who was supposed to be in the sweltering heat of the African land.
“Jaeui hyung?”
Raising the hand holding the scythe and wiping the sweat from the bridge of his nose with his forearm, Jeong Taeui narrowed his eyes at the sudden appearance of Jeong Jaeui around the corner of the courtyard.
“It's a beautiful old house,” Jaeui muttered a strange compliment as he followed behind Kyle, who led the way with a smile. “Taeui,” he said, turning to look at the man who called out to him.
Jeong Taeui threw the scythe down on a pile of dirt and approached in confusion. Instead of a greeting, he was met by a warm body that embraced him lightly. Only then did he realize his brother was really there.
“What's happening, all of a sudden?”
“Ah... just because,” Jaeui replied, his tone hinting at something more.
It's not just because.
Considering Jeong Jaeui's usual speaking style, that vague 'ah...' at the beginning of a sentence indicated there was something subtly suspicious. He always thinks calmly before he speaks, or even when his speech itself was a bit slow, he rarely hesitated in answering.
Taeui's puzzled expression must have been read by Jaeui as well because his expressionless face flashed with a gleam that was hard to describe.
Kyle raised an eyebrow in amusement as Taeui looked at him curiously. “A couple of hours ago, Mr. Jeong Jaeui called me out of the blue and said he was at Tegel Airport. He asked if he could stay for a few days, so I was very happy to invite him here. I didn't even inform you in advance to give you a surprise. So how was it? Were you surprised?”
“Yes, that's right...,” But it must have been somewhat a surprise for Kyle too, if he'd gotten a call out of the blue about two hours ago," Jung Tae muttered, scratching his head.
Jeong Taeui quickly walked away, pretending not to see Kyle after the man had hurried out and put off his own work to greet his uninvited guest. Or to see James, who stood in the back entrance, clutching a briefcase and glaring at him with a stern stare.
"Let's go inside, hyung. I'll show you to the guest room. Kyle, why don't you get changed too?” He said. “...or finish whatever business you missed with James?”
Taeui hurried into the house, almost pushing Jaeui's back. He was thinking that James' previous life must have been as one of the Buddhas. But those thoughts were forgotten as he led Jaeui to the guest room.
The older twin, his face as impassive as ever, calmly looked around and followed. Taeui just now realized he had no luggage. All of his belongings were tucked into the pockets of his coat, only his passport peeked out.
Although he was a person who didn’t like carrying things around, he looked like someone who was kicked out without even having time to gather his things together.
“Did you get kicked out?” After taking a change of clothes from his wardrobe, Taeui went out to the room's terrace and asked Jaeui, who was sitting leisurely on a wooden chair.
Jaeui shook his head and replied, “No.” and to that Taeui nodded his head, saying yes.
The powerful man in the Middle East who was currently signed a contract with Jaeui had spent years trying to get him affiliated with his organization. Now that he had barely gotten him to Riyadh, there was no way he was going to kick him out.
"But what's really going on? Why didn't you send a word? Are you going on vacation?"
"Yeah, probably."
"Probably? Why does your vacation have a 'probably' attached to it?"
"Because I told him I was taking a few days off, but I never heard back."
"What…?"
"No, I'm sure I'll be fine," he said. "Because he didn't say no."
Jaeui lightly waved his hand. "Seeing my brother's usual expression..." he said. "...strangely, I'm not relieved."
Jeong Jaeui was always a bit of a troublemaker, but it wasn't like him to just show up unannounced.
"Is something wrong?"
"Ah... not really."
Again, that vague 'Ah…'
Taeui scratched his head and looked at him vaguely, but soon stopped, thinking with a light sigh.
If he wants to say something, he's going to say it. And if not, then he won't. Moreover, if he has something to think about, he's going to think about it on his own, in silence, and come to the best conclusion.
Rather than holding on to his older brother and talking about pointless things until he could organize his thoughts, Jeong Taeui decided to be happy to see his older brother for the first time in a long time.
"Mr. Jeong Jaeui, regarding the hypothesis by Pablo Fibro that we talked about when you came in earlier... I looked it up, and you were right. The 1879 edition used different evidence than the first edition. He must have realized the logical flaw in the first edition." Kyle breezed into the room, speaking in a loud, cheerful voice and carefully opening a tattered book.
It seemed like Taeui would have to give away his older brother to Kyle for a while.
Well, so be it.
Under the circumstances, he knew it would be wise to welcome his brother with open arms and enjoy the short time he had with him to the fullest. He was just 'worried' as his brother.
"I'd rather worry about the sky falling than worry about the man born under a special lucky star. Isn't it true just by looking at the timing of his appearance?"
It was at dawn on this very day that Ilay, the man who had half-jokingly, half-seriously tried to take his brother’s life, left Berlin on a short-term assignment. He said he would be gone for a few days. It was truly killer timing. No wonder. He imagined Ilay would return the very day his brother left.
Taeui was grateful for the good fortune of not having the two of them in the same room and chose to relax and enjoy his brief reunion with his brother.
When you think about it, it's hard to remember the last time the brothers were under the same roof together in such a leisurely way.
Jeong Taeui felt good having his brother here. Even when Kyle always found time to read old books with Jaeui whenever he can and James' pointed gaze suddenly fell on Taeui, asking him to take and talk away with Jaeui. Even when Ilay's late-night phone call brought a few seconds of uncomfortable silence upon hearing of news of Jeong Jaeui's stay. Even when the brothers actually spent far more time in silence in the same room rather than having a conversation.
On one peaceful night a few days later, Taeui sat next to Jaeui, who was quietly contemplating. He was sipping on a perfectly chilled beer. Taeui, who was listening to his brother, couldn't have felt happier.
"Taeui." The older twin, who hadn't spoken for a while, quietly asked.
With his eyes half-closed, he answered. "Huh?" Taeui said vaguely in a languid and relaxed manner.
"Do you think a life with a lover is better than a life without a lover?" When his older twin’s quiet voice came once more, that serene and peaceful mood was dispersed in a shovelful of snow, and drowsiness disappeared from his eyes.
"Yeah…? That's right..." Taeui muttered, looking at Jaeui with a subtle gaze.
"It may vary depending on the situation, but overall, I think it is better." That was a topic he had never heard from his brother's mouth before.
However, Jeong Jaeui seemed quite serious and asked more. "Even if that lover is someone who has more than a crush on you, but whose feelings are ambiguous enough that you don't know how much of a crush you have on them?"
"In terms of whether it's better to have a lover that you don't like that much, well, it depends on the person... I wouldn't recommend it if it's just a stopgap until someone better comes along because it doesn't automatically mean they're a second-best option, it's just a matter of having them there or not there. In a sense, I think it would be better to have one."
Jeong Taeui frowned and rolled his eyes, never having thoughts of such a thing before. However, the question was not difficult to answer, and the answer came easily to him.
"I believe that any relationship is better than none, as long as it gives you something to gain emotionally. Besides, in some cases, the ‘next best thing’ may not necessarily be a bad thing, because relationships and feelings are always changing, even if it goes unnoticed,"
"Okay, so in my case, the day when I can naturally call that man my lover will never come, even if my mouth is torn and my head is broken. Still, I ended up in a relationship with that man. And our relationship definitely didn't start with him approaching me as an 'ideal lover' from the beginning." The younger added.
Looking back, at no point during his first encounter with Ilay Riegrow, like when he first heard rumors about him, or when he first saw his splatter movie footage, or at any other time, did he have any idea that his relationship with that man would've turned into what it was currently.
How could he have ever imagined that there would be someone who would willingly share their life with such a crazy man, let alone that person would be himself?
".…"
The thoughts that had come to his mind right after seemed to grow gloomier, so Taeui quickly shook his head and returned his attention to Jaeui.
If his brother had a lover, that would be a welcome sight because then Jaeui would have had someone to lean on when he was living in a remote place away from his family.
"But… Why are you asking about that? It's not a topic you often talk about." Something was bothering Taeui. It couldn't possibly be that way, he thought.
However, the younger couldn't get rid of the shadowy feeling of concern that lurked in the back of his heart as he recalled the behavior of a person he had known and seen in the past.
Faced with Taeui's fierce gaze, Jaeui didn't answer for a moment. The older’s head tilted slightly, as if in thought, or perhaps in shame, before he spoke quietly. “Rahman said he wanted to be my lover.”
Damn it, I’ve thought before that man was going to catch him. It seemed the man had finally spoken. I guess he threw away everything: religion, dignity, common sense, the past, and finally spoke to him.
Hearing Jaeui speak so straightforwardly just like an older brother would, the situation that Taeui had been vaguely worried about came to fruition at once. He asked after a beat or so. “You're kidding, right?”
“Yes, that's what I asked him, but he said no.”
“Huh…”
“I also asked if it was for political reasons. He said no.” Jaeui adds.
“….”
“Then I asked if it was for strategic reasons, and he said that wasn't the case either,” He paused. “It couldn’t possibly be for economic reasons.” Jaeui seemed to have analyzed the confession step by step.
It seemed like Jaeui was trying to leave the easiest conclusion behind. Actually, it would’ve been normal to dismiss it as a joke without even questioning his seriousness, but the problem was he was not that obtuse.
“So…?” Taeui asked his brother again, at that point he had made almost every possible assumption inside his head.
“So, after some more thought, I thought about my genetics and asked him if he wanted to get my sperm, but he didn't say anything for a while and just said no.” The moment Jaeui's calm answer came forth, Taeui's mouth fell open.
Suddenly, he felt a little sorry for that man. He was sure that man must have made great determination, considered the mood and situation, and spoke at the most appropriate time. But his intentions were being twisted in all sorts of directions and assumptions were being made about him that were downright dehumanizing.
At the same time, Taeui could imagine what the countless people who had coveted his brother in the past had to go through. His heart sank when he remembered his brother asking such things with a calm face.
“Maybe it was just because he likes you.” The younger blurted out without realizing. It was something he didn’t really want to say.
Jaeui seemed to be lost in thought again for a moment. But there was no way he didn’t know. He may not have known it if he had only observed; he had to listen as well.
“Yeah. It’s probably something like that.” Jeong Jae nodded and muttered, as if coming to a conclusion on something he had been puzzled by and had difficulty judging.
Jeong Taeui sobered up in an instant. He stared wistfully at the can of beer he was holding; he suddenly forgot what it tasted like. He had mixed feelings.
It's funny to say this when I've been tangled up with a man myself, but I wish my brother would go the normal route. I think the chances of finding 'ordinary happiness' are much greater on that side. I would’ve known.
Jeong Taeui looked at his twin, who was seriously thinking, and then sighed. If it was a problem with no room for concern, he wouldn't have worried about it in the first place. In fact, he wouldn't have uttered a word. However, there was room for concern.
“….”
Why did you come to me so suspiciously out of the blue?
“So, what do you want to do, hyung?”
“It's strange why he likes me, but I don't feel bad, because he's a kind and good person to me. Well, being in a relationship... I can't really imagine it, but I don't think it would be bad. No, rather…” Jaeui’s gaze, which had been lost in thought for a while, relaxed slightly.
Perhaps some kind of mixture between trust, friendship, and other things that had been building up between them while his brother was unaware. Taeui scratched his head, feeling as if he had somehow seen the answer there. After regaining his spirit, he lightly tapped Jaeui on the shoulder.
“Don't worry, if you like him, it's good; if you don't, it's also fine. No matter what happens, in the end, you'll always have me on your side, okay?”
Jaeui looked up and met his gaze, at first glance he seemed to be smiling. Seeing the smile in his brother's eyes as he nodded his head, Taeui prayed that this time his brother would receive the protection of a special lucky star. He hoped everything would go in the right direction for his brother as always.
But still, there was something. Whether it was useful or not, it was important to do what little he could to make a difference. Taeui decided to give it a try.
“But hyung, that kind of relationship... the one who accepts it is going to be in inexhaustible pain.” Even if he spoke vaguely, his brother, who was a brilliant man, understood without mistake.
His tenacious and calm brother had a surprising weakness for physical pain. Whether it was because he had been in and out of the hospital since he was a child, or because he rarely experienced pain caused by others in his daily life. In any case, the older half hated pain more than the younger, who didn't consider a little pain to be a big deal.
Sure enough, at this very moment, Taeui saw a new kind of worry appear on his brother's face.
“It hurts?” Jaeui hesitated.
“Of course. That part is not used as intended; it's the wrong way in and out. And above all, it probably didn’t have the same thickness to what we are used to seeing in the toilet every day.”
Somehow, Taeui realized that the direction of the conversation was getting a little dirty, but he stood his ground. After he finished talking, he realized that he had no way of knowing about the thickness, but screw it, his brother wouldn't have known as well.
“Ah, the thickness... That’s right, Rahman was a bit too big for a man because he was bulkier than the average adult. Moreover, it’s even bigger when it’s erect…”
Wait, hyung, how did you know that guy’s size?
Jeong Taeui's eyes widened; he felt as if ice water had been poured on his head, completely sobering him up. His brother, muttering to himself without realizing it, furrowed his brow in embarrassment as if reliving a dark memory. Then, before Taeui had time to ask, something occurred to his brother. He wrinkled his eyebrows a little deeper and looked at Taeui.
“Taeui, are you okay?”
“…huh?”
“When I looked at Rick’s… it didn't seem like it would’ve worked out.” His brother's voice, tinged with concern, dealt a fatal blow.
How did you know how big Ilay was…?
Although Jeong Taeui was completely sober from the alcohol, he felt slightly dizzy, as if he were still getting drunk. He quietly pressed his temples.
“Uh...where did you see it...?”
“In the hospital in Frankfurt, when you were hospitalized.”
It was then Jeong Taeui recounted what felt like a nightmare. He remembered the hospital night when he came to his senses and felt his heart pounding.
Well, there were many opportunities to see people at the hospital, even if you hadn’t planned on seeing them. It was even more so when the other person was like that guy who lacked basic shame. Even so, in the bustling hospital, where people were being brought in and out as if it were a war zone, Taeui thought it would not be strange at all if that man had changed his clothes in a hallway where everyone was passing by.
After hearing his brother’s question, his mind naturally went back to the part where his brother had seen Raman's private parts. Taeui suddenly felt weak. He didn't even have the energy to finish the last few sips of his beer, so he threw it into the trash can.
He locked eyes with his older twin, who was looking at himself, and sighed. “It's okay, I'm doing fine with him, really.”
Seeing that the faint worry in his brother’s calm eyes had eased a little, Taeui laughed lightly.
It's hard to believe anyone could say he was getting along with a man named Ilay Riegrow, but it was true, or at least that's what Taeui thought.
They have had many troubles in the past, and Taeui had no idea what the future holds. Especially after they have lived on top of the anger that had been accumulated up slowly.
Still, at least we didn't have any problems at the moment. Isn’t that good?
Jeong Taeui shrugged his shoulders. Jeong Jaeui, who had been looking at him in silence for a while, tugged the corners of his mouth, mimicking something like a smile. His brother nodded, saying, "Yes, I understand.” Taeui felt a little relieved. He also relaxed a bit.
But, now that we’re talking about that, it wasn’t okay.
“Ah, apart from that, it hurt like hell at first. I thought I was going to die. So hyung, you've got to think about it, you know. The acceptance part. It really, really hurts.” Taeui had never thought he’d have to hold his brother's hand and tell him this, but life is truly unpredictable.
Little by little, a negative expression flashed on the older brother's face. Seeing this, Taeui’s heart cried out in delight.
“If you don’t do it this way, at least hyung won't be crushed. Then there will be less strain on your body. No, I don't really want to imagine my hyung climbing on top of that man either, but whatever.”
As if he understood exactly what his younger twin was trying to say, Jaeui slowly nodded his head with a serious expression, and then dropped the subject.
Once he had calmed down, Taeui became hungry again—he felt starving in more ways than one—and took a couple cans of beer out of the refrigerator and opened them. Jaeui accepted the beer, and the two brothers lightly clinked the ends of the cans and drank separately without speaking.
The thoughts running through Taeui’s head and the ones running through Jaeui's head may have been the same, or perhaps they may have been different. Neither of them bothered to check them out loud. They just thought, "The sound of grasshoppers is the same everywhere, but sometimes when I see them coming into the house, they look different,” and that was all they exchanged.
Jeong Jaeui returned home shortly afterward. Taeui wasn’t sure whether his brother had come unannounced to confide in him about that trivial matter, or whether he had changed his mind. However, as usual, Jaeui didn't give him a straightforward answer, and he didn't bother to ask. He just said bye-bye, looking forward to the next time they meet, which might be any day now.