Chapter Text
No one speaks of the incident afterwards.
Most of the time, Stell is grateful for that.
Other times, it makes her want to scream.
“Don’t you remember? I sped up the infection! It was me who killed them! My fault! My decision! My finger on the trigger. My hand that sucked her soul out through my touch!”
She doesn’t deserve to be smiled at. Laughed with. Patted reassuringly on the shoulder or helped up a rocky ledge.
Even before this assignment, she has killed kith for years. Back in the court she killed like a coward, hiring assassins to arrange accidents for those who threatened the empire, let alone herself. She had done all this without anyone but the emperor and empress to absolve her of her sins. Even then, they simply showered her with praise of her loyalty. They encouraged the unspoken understanding that this fraud — this visionless visionary — needed to do what was necessary to protect her truth.
Godlikes had become a dying breed, after all, and the empire needed to protect their assets.
Now, at least she's no longer a coward, hiding her shame behind someone else.
At least she has trusted people around her who care for her, rather than fear her...
...even if they refuse to mention what happened this morning.
That is the strangest thing of all. Since when has she ever wanted someone to care about her wellbeing?
Before the Living Lands, she was never one to confide in another — not after Aelfyr, and not unless it was with the intention of manipulating someone to her cause. The godlike was so notoriously icy back then, added to the fact that she covered every inch of herself in robes despite the tropical heat. If one were lucky enough to feel an iota of her warmth, then they would often be so disoriented that they would take everything she said to heart.
That didn’t change until a certain evening beside the campfire; when Kai asked her —
“Why’d you do it?”
Why did she forgive the man who killed her? Who almost launched Paradis into chaos, and who compelled an almost-stranger to sit at her bedside without knowing if she’d wake at all?
“Too many people have already died needlessly at our hands,” she replied. “People with whom I could have come to an understanding. It’s not as if I haven’t already seen what the empire has done to the people here. I want to help, not harm. Not anymore.”
She told Kai the truth. Mostly. She didn’t say the part aloud about how the assassin and his fellow rebels could be useful in the future. After all, she wasn’t at court anymore. She needed to cultivate a new network of allies in case anyone else had any bright ideas about taking her down.
Do you actually give a damn about Thirdborn? a snide voice within her asks. Or are you simply worried that you lost their loyalty?
Of course I give a damn! she retorts as she boosts Yatzli up a tricky ledge. They came here for a second chance. It’s my responsibility to protect them from their enemies and make sure they live long enough to reap the rewards of their journey.
If only you could protect them from yourself, the voice replies.
“That’s enough, darling.”
Stell blinks and looks down at Yatzli. The orlan is dabbing a handkerchief delicately at her brow.
“Pardon?”
“This ‘self-loathing martyr’ persona isn’t a good look for you,” Yatzli drawls. “You’ll give yourself wrinkles you elves aren’t supposed to have for another fifty years.”
“You’ll forgive that beauty isn’t my top priority right now,” Stell waves her away. “And the trail is challenging for me. That’s all.”
Yatzli sniffs.
“Well that is the beauty of all this,” she replies meaningfully. “We shall help each other through it all.”
She reaches up to tuck a stray lock of Stell’s hair back into her disheveled bun. It requires a bit of strain and hopping on tiptoes to accomplish, and Stell can’t help but snicker at her friend’s valiant effort.
“Much better,” Yatzli smiles.
It seems enough to satisfy her.
—
The journey grows arduous while still days away from Galawain’s Tusks. The very air begins to feel thinner and staler around them as they navigate through winding mountain paths.
Even Marius — the most spry among them — looks haggard.
“It’s all the… natural gas…” he pants.
Stell exchanges an alarmed look with the others. Their tracker isn’t one to get winded. Usually he’s the one scolding them for dragging their feet.
“Let’s take a break,” Stell suggests.
“Marius, dear,” Yatzli fusses. “Drink some water. And eat something. Please.”
“Yeah, but… we gotta turn back,” Marius croaks.
“That’s not an option,” Stell says curtly. “Not for us, and like you said, we can’t get through the wardens without you.”
“How do you not feel it?” Marius whines. “The air’s… poisoning you and the rocks are just closing in all around us—!”
“Hey, take it slow,” Kai urges him gently. “We’ve got a fresh breeze here so… deep breaths.”
To their surprise, Marius doesn’t snap back at Kai. Instead he nods and closes his eyes, inhaling through his nose and exhaling a slow, shuddering breath.
“…yeah. Alright,” he croaks. “Let’s… let’s keep going.”
“Well I could use a rest myself,” Yatzli declares. “Let’s set up over there?”
Stell gratefully deposits her pack on the ground with a groan.
What a miserable region. She misses the lush green foliage and blue waters of Aedyr, as well as the smell of salt and flowers in the air...
Well, there's no point yearning for the past. They have a responsibility to fulfill here. And she has a responsibility to her party as well.
She takes a minute to stretch before looking for their troubled tracker. She finds him sitting near a lookout point, ignoring the view in lieu of drinking water and chewing listlessly on some jerky. His gaze flicks warily over at her as she sits down nearby.
“Will you be alright?” she asks quietly.
“I’ll be bleste peachy,” Marius grunts. “Ask me again when we’re waist-deep in lava.”
“I shall."
The silence that follows is painfully awkward.
Stell tries to sort out her words. Whether Sapadal was correct about his amnesia or not, she wants to assure him that she doesn’t intend to expose him. He can explain himself on his own terms, and if needed, Stell will be there to defend him from anyone’s ire.
But with their companions well within earshot, she decides not to risk it.
Instead she asks, “Are more memories coming back?”
Marius washes down the jerky with a swig of water.
“Like a rash,” he says hoarsely.
“I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t elaborate on the two intentions of the apology, nor does she pry any further. Marius also doesn’t volunteer more to their conversation until —
“That pie was too bleste sweet,” he complains. “Thought it was going to rot my teeth out halfway through.”
Stell chuckles, and for a moment she swears she can see a smile beneath Marius’s mustache too.
—
Aside from lingering glances and occasional brushes of hands, nothing seems to be different between Stell and Kai on the trail. They still fight just as well beside each other when attacked by wildlife, corrupted phantoms, or dreamthralls. They still exchange jokes and stories with their companions as they have always done, eliciting groans, laughter, and occasionally thoughtful silence.
Their first night on the trail, Stell simply gives Kai a furtive kiss goodnight before leaving him for her tent. For a long minute he considers following her in, but the last thing he wants to do is be presumptuous. At the end of the day, no matter what this is between them, she’s the Aedyran envoy and he’s just… him. He has no plans to change that dynamic in front of their friends.
The same can’t be said for everyone else.
“Oh dear,” Yatzli sighs theatrically the following night. “It seems my tent has torn straight through! How could this have possibly happened?”
The tear is somewhat jagged, as if someone had hacked a small dagger through it.
…or a pair of dainty sewing scissors.
“That’s too bleste bad,” Marius chimes in with uncharacteristic sympathy. “You’ve got so much stuff. Where will it all go? In case it… rains.”
He waves vaguely at the arid environment.
“I’d offer to shelter you, but I’m afraid there’s no room in my tent,” Giatta tuts. “I barely fit on my own.”
Even she only seems halfway sympathetic.
“I never considered we might need a spare tent,” Stell frets apologetically. “We could try to patch it up?”
“In this light? At this hour?” Yatzli sounds scandalized. “Oh no, dear. That won’t do.”
“Alright,” Stell rubs at her temples. “Then we’ll try tomorrow. Until then, how about you stay with me? There should be plenty of room for you.”
“Oh darling, you’re very sweet and all, but a classy lady like me needs her personal space,” Yatzli pouts.
Kai shoots her an exasperated look, only to earn a significant glare in return.
Ah.
He gets the message.
He waits until later when no one else seems to be looking to sidle up to Stell. She had been occupying herself with reorganizing her potions, and at the very least she seems to brighten at his arrival.
“Hey.”
His voice cracks.
Like a teenager.
He clears his throat and tries again.
“Hey, so… there’s enough room if you, well…” he stammers. “That is, if you’d like to…?”
He must be as purple as a plum with the way Stell huffs a laugh, rubbing at the back of her neck.
“Yatzli’s devious, isn’t she?”
“Like a siren,” Kai mutters. “Can’t believe she ruined a perfectly good tent!”
Stell snorts.
“Honestly, she might’ve been plotting this all along. She did point out before that mine was bigger than hers,” she sighs. “Well, it’s not like I planned to sleep under the stars tonight. I’ll go grab my bedroll.”
Kai feels his heart leap.
“Thank you,” he blurts.
With a surprised laugh, Stell’s eyes glitter back at him.
“Hang on,” she grins at his heating face. “Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say?”
—
It’s a tight fit in Kai’s tent, but once they figure out a serviceable arrangement he’s struck by how oddly comfortable and familiar it seems. They just fit together so well, pokey fungus antlers aside.
“Sorry,” Stell apologizes sheepishly. “I must smell terrible.”
“Strangely, no.”
Amid all the traces of sulfur in the air, he can still catch a whiff of Old Suki’s bath oils on her skin and the inky waves of hair that she pulls out from her bun.
He wants to bury his nose in it, breathing her in deep while feeling her soft skin against his…
“What’s wrong?” Stell over at him.
“Shit, right now? Nothing,” Kai breathes. “Absolutely nothing.”
Her smile is electrifying.
In the next moment, Stell has melted against him in a kiss, a sigh escaping them both as his hand pulls her in even closer.
How is he still falling?
It would be terrifying if it wasn’t also so thrilling. If his heart wasn’t singing and racing with every slide of her hand; every taste and tug of her lips and her tongue against his…
The friction of their rumpled clothes gives way to that of skin against scale, but if it’s uncomfortable, Stell doesn’t complain. Quite the opposite, really, judging by her expressions and stifled whines alone.
Kai sympathizes. Every tantalizing drag of her fingernails over his scalp and down his back sends electricity that tightens his core and scrambles his brain.
Damn. Maybe she does like his skull ridge?
“Kai…” she groans.
Kai hushes her, grinning and pressing a finger to her lips.
“Right,” Stell sighs. “The others need their rest, don’t they?”
Kai wrestles down his disappointment as she pulls away, only to erupt with a gasp as Stell’s hand trails lower.
“So…” she murmurs against his ear. “…how quiet can you be?”
It’s only natural that the close quarters would spark a heated, stolen moment like this. Biting back moans and stifling whimpers into each other’s skin, their hands fervently build up each other's pleasure until their final, sweaty release.
The profound peace that follows is unlike anything Kai has felt before.
We have to make it.
He tells himself this as commits every detail of Stell’s blissful, smiling face to memory.
We’re going to make it.
We’re going to win.
—
Alas, no matter how quiet they were, perhaps their disheveled state and secret smiles alone that next morning betrays more than enough to their party.
“Ugh,” Marius grumbles over his murkbrew. “I’ve seen maples with less sap.”
“Well I slept wonderfully,” Yatzli stretches, shooting a yawning Kai and Stell a smug smirk of approval.
—
The memory of that night will have to sustain them for now.
In the days that follow, they are too exhausted by the grueling treks and skirmishes to do more than kiss languidly where they lie entangled together. Most of the time they simply remain melted into each other’s curves, tense muscles relaxing beneath massaging hands and murmured debriefs of the day’s events.
Relaxing is one thing, but sleeping proves to be another beast entirely.
The fact is, Stell simply does not sleep well.
Has she ever slept well? None of them would know with her sequestered in the privacy of her tent. Kai is now the only companion who has been in the position to learn.
If only it were his snores that kept Stell from easy rest throughout the night.
Tonight, he wakes up to find Stell muttering in her sleep, tears leaking from eyes that roll beneath their lids as her breath stutters.
Kai imagines there’s a great number of nightmarish things that she could be dreaming about. He ruefully wonders how many more ghosts of Thirdborners might have haunted her dreams if they had chosen to sacrifice them instead. Even the impact of personally killing just two residents seems to torment her badly enough.
It’s only to be expected. Killing enemy kith in the heat of battle is one thing, but even Kai remembers his first time taking down someone eye-to-eye. No matter who they are — no matter how terrible one’s captain claims their enemies to be — it still sticks with someone like a scar.
Not that this is the case with Stell.
Soon after Kai first met her, she assured him that she had personally fought and killed kith before… in Fort Northreach, just one day earlier. Not to mention with a wand, rather than a firearm.
“I prefer it,” she shrugged in an attempt at levity. “You don’t need to reload a magic stick.”
Her switch to the pistol as a preferred weapon didn’t quite make sense until one of their training sessions, when the simple touch of Kai correcting her grip had her flushing from head to toe.
Honestly, he should have realized it back then…
Oh well.
He figured it out eventually.
What matters is that he’s now here beside her.
What matters is that even if the blood on her hands wasn’t her first, it still meant something to both of them.
They meant something to both of them.
Feng.
Roitana.
And everyone who will come after.
“Hey,” Kai whispers, rubbing at her arm. “It’s alright.”
The first couple nights this happened, she had woken up with a shuddered gasp, her eyes flying open and looking wildly around before Kai could remind her where she was and who was with her.
Tonight is different.
Tonight, as Kai murmurs to her and draws soothing circles into her shoulder, Stell’s breath gradually evens out. The furrow in her brow relaxes and with a final mumble, she curls tighter against him.
Kai sighs, holding her against his bare chest. He hopes that his heartbeat might help comfort her somehow, even in the darkest of her dreams.
“I’m here, Stell,” he whispers. “We’re all here. No matter what. Whenever you need us.”
For a long time, Kai fights off sleep. His mind eventually drifts to their plan for the rest of their trek.
They should be half a day out from the heart of Galawain’s Tusks by now.
Come dawn, they’ll emerge and find Marius preparing breakfast. He’ll probably be complaining about their supplies or a sprained shoulder. Giatta will insist upon seeing to it, even though Kai and Stell would know the injury is greatly exaggerated. Yatzli will eventually emerge from Stell’s tent as fresh as springberries, ready with some lewd comments about Kai and Stell’s recent sleeping arrangement.
Then, when all have been fed and invigorated by murkbrew, they’ll pack up camp once more and move forward into the unknown — together.
At least that much is assured.
Kai savors this night of holding Stell safe in his arms, ready in case any more nightmares come back to torment her.
Even with all her improbable origins and bizarre visions and dreams, the warmth and weight of her grounds Kai in a way he never thought possible. Amid all of this chaos — this insanity — she has been that anchor for everyone, centering them all on their journey towards a seemingly impossible goal.
The Garden awaits — and the end to the soul plague along with it.
Lost in Stell’s steady breath and heartbeat, Kai lets himself drift off at last.
He dreams of flowers.
He dreams of storms.
He dreams of a future, at last.