Chapter Text
EPILOGUE
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It’s only at the beginning of 2020 that Louis releases his sixth album: Clean.
He spent the entirety of 2019 traveling from Europe to America to write and record with many different artists, and had to find time to be a judge at The X Factor UK, but if he is being completely honest, his favorite times were still the ones in which the was at Liam’s place, on lad’s nights with Harry and Niall, and they’d gather around in his backyard to talk about everything and nothing – Louis would always get some good lyrics out of their hangouts.
Louis is at a fantastic place in life right now. Not that he wasn’t before, but for the first time he feels like an actual adult, like someone who’s settled in life – but not in a bad way, not in a “this is it for me so I’ll just keep living till I die way”, no. He’s far from it. He’s settled in a “I have a husband and a solid career and things can only get better from now on if I keep working the way I am” way.
And he’s happy, Jesus, he’s been happy for so long. He honestly cannot remember the last time he felt sad – unless he counts the fight he and Harry had about three months ago about their joined bank account when buying this new house... Harry won that one, by the way, but it’s okay.
If there is one thing married life taught Louis is this: you can’t win every fight. And you can’t fight every time something doesn’t please you.
He’s learned to pick the right moments to complain and the right ones to just listen. He’s learned that sometimes letting Harry get his way is better for both of them. He’s learned that even if sometimes one of them storms out to sleep at Gemma and Niall’s place (yes, they’re living together now!), it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other with every cell in their bodies, because God, they do.
Louis never quite believed in the infinity of love – even though he wished for it on lonely nights (the ones that are very much buried in the past); he used to think that the only way for something to be his by infinite time was by losing it, but now he feels like he was so, so wrong.
Because he can’t, for the life of him, not love Harry.
They wake up together every morning. Well, Harry wakes him up, and even when Louis has nothing to do, he gets up from the bed and they have breakfast together. Harry leaves to school and Louis goes back to bed most days. (Sometimes he works out with Liam. Sometimes he swims.)
The point is: he and Harry wake up together every morning. They go to bed together every night – and when Louis travels, he never spends more than two weeks away. If he can’t come back home, Harry finds a way to go to him. It’s their new two week rule.
Still, the only time Louis doesn’t miss Harry is when they are together. Apart from that, every hour is a constant I love you and I miss you much like the beginning of their relationship.
He doesn’t think it’s every going away. Now he believes in infinity.
“What are you thinking about?” Harry pulls him out of his thoughts, trying to knot his tie properly.
“About how much I love you.” He replies sincerely and Harry laughs lightly. “I’m serious”, the singer walks towards his husband, batting his hand away to work on his tie for him. Harry’s expression softens.
“Hate this thing”, he complains then.
“You could’ve picked another suit”, Louis tells him, “one that didn’t need a tie.”
“But you said I looked hot in this one.”
“You do. But… You always look hot? So.” He smiles and kisses him on the mouth. “Lose the tie”, Louis starts to undo it, “you’ll look great anyways. There you go.” He takes it off and throws on the bed.
“You sure?” Harry frowns and turns around to look at himself in the mirror and Louis hooks his chin over Harry’s shoulder.
“I am. You look perfect.”
Harry sighs.
“So do you.” He smiles. “How are you feeling? Ready?” His husband asks, turning around.
Tonight’s Louis’ album launch party and they’re holding it at a 5-star-hotel in London. It’s much bigger than the last one, feels more important too, somehow. He can’t quite explain.
“Yes. Excited to be honest. The singles did so well.”
“They’re amazing.”
“You’ll win so many awards with this one, Lou. I just know.” Harry beams.
“Hopefully. Want the fans to love it though.”
“They will. Everyone will.” Harry kisses him. “I do. I love it. I love you.” He kisses him again and Louis goes with it. He closes his eyes and crosses his arms around Harry’s neck, feeling his hands pulling him closer by the waist.
“You too”, Louis mumbles into his mouth, opening up so Harry can slide their tongues together.
Louis thinks back to his last launch party and how he wasn’t even out yet. How Harry had to go in alone and he panicked right before walking the carpet so the paps could take pictures. He remembers how much he wanted to kiss Harry the entire party, how Harry drove him crazy right before he gave his speech, how much he just wanted to show the world what he was feeling.
He’s able to do it right now. He does it every day, in every way he can. Louis is addicted to being free.
His phone starts buzzing in his pocket and he knows it’s Liam to let him know a car is already waiting.
“We need to go”, he says.
“Hmhmm…” Harry nuzzles into his neck and leaves a single kiss there. Louis’ feels shivers all over.
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They’re two hours into the party when Harry’s phone starts ringing. He usually doesn’t pick it up when he and Louis are at events, especially events like this, but this is not a time in which either of them can turn calls down, not when they’re expecting the best news ever.
“Hello.” Harry says. It’s very noisy, and his mother is more than tipsy laughing at something Ed is saying, taking selfies with him, so he can’t quite understand.
“Mr. Styles?”
“Hello??” He asks again, walking somewhere quieter.
“It’s Michelle, from The Royal London Hospital.”
“Oh! Hi.”
“We’d like to let you and Mr. Tomlinson know that Stephanie was admitted ten minutes ago and she is in labor. Asked for you guys…”
Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor. Stephanie’s in labor.
“Oh my G-God, okay, yeah, we’ll be there- in—damn, yes, we’ll—we’re going, thank you.”
“Hazz, you okay?” Greg asks when he sees him. “Darling, you look pale.”
“Where’s Louis?” He asks, eyes widened. He wants to cry and he wants to scream and he wants to smile so hard, but right now he just wants to get Louis and go to the damn hospital.
Dear Lord, Louis hasn’t even given his speech yet-- WHERE THE HELL IS HE?
He thinks he says this part out and kind of screaming, because his mate answers immediately.
“He was in the photo booth with your sister last I saw him.” He answers.
“Thanks, Greg.”
Harry runs through the party and people at the saloon look at him like he’s kind of crazy. He knocks over a waiter carrying some really expensive whisky and he’s pretty sure it goes on one of Louis’ managers, but he’s not worried about it right now, not when- not when…
Louis is not in the fucking photo booth.
“Gemma- where’s Louis?”
“Giving an interview”, she points. “Hazz, what happened?”
“Steph’s in labor, we need to- Gemma!”
“I’ll let mom know, go get him”, she smiles and before Harry goes, she squeezes his arm real tight, looks straight into her eyes and says “you’re about to be a dad, lil bro.”
Harry smiles back and feels the tears coming to his eyes. But he can’t cry, not yet.
Louis is talking animatedly to three different journalists right now, and shit, Harry should wait for him to finish right? It’s not only the polite thing to do, but the best, too, if they want any privacy whatsoever when taking the baby home during the first weeks.
It was so hard to keep it a secret as it is, why ruin everything now?
They agreed, both of them. No interviews about wanting babies until they had a baby. And now he’s right here – or, well, almost here. And Harry shouldn’t- he—he shouldn’t screw up their plan, but fuck it if he can wait any longer to get to the hospital.
“Lou.” He calls him, a bit breathless when he gets where he is.
There’s a camera. Damn.
“Hi, love, was just talking about you…” He smiles and puts a hand on Harry’s waist.
“When aren’t you talking about him?” Nick rolls his eyes and the two other journalists chuckle.
“Louis.” Harry calls again.
“Is everything okay?” His husband frowns.
“Yes. But we need to go. Now.”
“Harry- what?”
“Please, love, please just let fucking go.”
“Go where?”
“The hospital. They called, we—”
“Are you saying…?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my God.”
“I know.”
“Let’s go.”
“Yes.” Harry replies. Neither of them moves. There are three pairs of eyes staring at them without understanding anything. Well, two. Nick caught it already, Harry just knows.
They laugh. Louis hugs him super, super tight.
“Oh my God.” He repeats in Harry’s ear.
“I know you haven’t given your speech yet, but—”
“Fuck my speech, Hazz, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” He squeezes him. “I kind of want to cry.”
“Me too.” Harry squeezes back. “We should really go. We’re at least thirty minutes away.”
“We’re going.” Louis lets him go. “Now.” He smiles and turns back to the journalists. “Sorry, guys, we need to get going.”
“You’re- uh, gonna leave your launch party?” The woman asks.
“I am. Nicholas, we’ll call you when it’s official and you can let everybody know.” Louis tells him and Nick simply nods. He grabs Harry’s hand, and they run like two crazy people towards the exit.
Upon entering the hospital, Louis tells Harry that their new life is about to begin. And yes. Yes, it is.
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Louis is trying to read the email Liam sent him with their schedule for next week when Noah enters the living running at light-speed. Ever since he learned how to walk, at eleven months old, he’s done nothing but run.
“NOAH STYLES-TOMLINSON IF YOU KEEP RUNNING YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!” Louis screams at him putting the laptop away.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”, Noah replies and runs around the armchair Louis is sitting.
“COME HERE YOU LITTLE MONSTER!” He hears Harry’s voice coming down the stairs and his husband is running too. Oh, Jesus! “Noah, Noah…” Harry says from the stairs. “You better run for your life!”
And then he’s running too.
Both of them are running on their pajamas and Louis is livid because there are so many breakable things in this room besides them. He gets up to try and stop Noah from going towards the floor lamp, but his son is fast, his three-year-old heart being way better at speed than Louis’ thirty-two year old one.
Noah collides with him and hugs Louis’ legs, trying to take cover, but Harry comes right after, pulling him from the singer and twirling around the room till the drops the kid on the couch, attacking him with tickles.
“HELP, HELP, NOOO PAPA NOOOOO!” The toddler struggles and Louis goes to his rescue, pretending he is tickling Harry to death on the floor so Noah can breathe.
“I surrender, I surrender!” Harry laughs loudly as Louis’ straddles him and Noah, seeing the scene, joins his dad on tickling Harry. “Please, sto-aahahaha-stop!” Harry contorts on the ground.
“D’you think we should stop, mister Noah?” Louis asks him seriously, as if he’s pondering.
“Papa promise no tickle no more?” He asks Harry in his serious but way too cute of a voice.
“Yes, baby, I promise, no more tickles.” Harry’s chest is heaving and his voice is tired.
“Tay, dad, we stop!” He turns to Louis.
“Good, good.”
The singer gets up and pulls Harry with him, who ruffles Noah’s hair.
“Thank you.” He breathes out.
“You should’ve seen how he ran down these stairs…” Louis tells Harry. “You need to teach him how to walk instead of run, help me out here Hazza. And they said I would be the irresponsible parent.” He laughs teasing his husband.
“Told you years ago I’d be the fun one, you’re just an old man.” Harry dismisses. “Pool time?” He turns to Noah, picking him up from the floor as Louis makes an outraged sound.
“YESH!”
“Okay, so go upstairs walking, so dad won’t be mad, and change your clothes. Left your swim trunks on your bed. Kay?”
Noah smiles happily and nods excitedly.
“Auntie Gemma will be here any time.” Louis tells him.
“And Leo?”
“And Leo, and everyone else”, Louis smiles. “Go, go”, he pokes him as Harry puts him on the ground.
Noah walks four steps before he’s running up the stairs again.
“God, I live with two children.” He rolls his eyes and walks back to the armchair.
“You’ll be living with four in just a couple of months.” The professor smiles and walks towards him, kissing him on the forehead.
Stephanie, their surrogate for Noah, agreed to help them again, and now they’re about to have twins. Twins. They don’t know the sex yet, decided to wait this time, but Louis can’t believe. They’re so extremely, ridiculously happy.
“Can’t wait.” He smiles and looks up, waiting for Harry to peck his mouth.
“Eeeeeeeeew”, Noah complains.
“You were fast, little one”, Louis tells him.
“Always, papa!” He smiles bright again. His Harry smile. Those damn genes. “You come to pool with us?”
“Well, of course!”
They have a perfect summer day, in the middle of the week.
It’s July after all, and Harry and Gemma are on vacation from school, so they invited everyone for a barbecue. Lux is huge now, thirteen years old! Louis can’t believe it when she gets into the pool and actually teaches Noah how to swim. Leo is only a little bit jealous, but he manages when Niall tells him to suck it up.
“What does that mean, dad?” He frowns.
“It means you don’t always have to whine about something you like. Plus, you already know how to swim. Help Lux teach the littlest one!” Niall’s all for tough-mixed-with-very-funny love.
At some point, when everyone is entertained, Harry comes into the kitchen and hugs Louis tight, giving him a noisy kiss and making his husband giggle. (After seven years together and four years of marriage, the singer is still a giggling mess when Harry’s around.)
“What was that for?”
“Just because I love you.” He grins.
“I love you too, babe”, Louis answers.
“Louis.” Harry calls him.
“What?”
“Look at me.”
Louis stops what he is doing and turns around. Harry’s smiling really big, and the sunlight coming from the kitchen window is hitting him perfectly.
They sometimes have these moments. These very special moments in which they just ask the other to focus solely on them so they can say something important. It’s like they’re renewing their wedding vows everytime it happens – and it happens frequently.
“I’d marry you again if I could.” Harry says. “I’d have a hundred kids with you.” He gets closer. “Our best friends, our—our family is out there, and everyone is laughing, everyone is having a good time and I—you know when you picture your life, and you have all those dreams that you want to come true?”
Louis nods.
“Somehow, deep down, I knew I would get them you know? And despite being a dreamer, I always had realistic expectations. I knew I’d have a husband and kids and a nice house, but I never—Lou. When I looked at everyone out there, I just—you made dreams I didn’t even know I had come true. You make me dream new ones… I really, truly, completely love you.”
Harry’s eyes are sparkling, staring straight into Louis’s own. And they’re so green – the kind of green that pushes its way through London’s gray skies during winter to remind you that spring is coming; that passionate green that the ocean turns into during a storm. The color of the forest after it rains; that green that brings people hope, that brought Louis hope all those years ago.
Harry’s eyes awakened Louis’ soul, and he was never the same after he met this man. Thank God for that.
Louis pulls him in for a kiss that doesn’t last long, and when they break apart, he feels like he needs to say something back. So he does.
"You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming?” He asks. Harry nods. “That’s where I’ll always love you.” He states. “I still think someone’s gonna wake me up at some point." He chuckles. “You’re- you’re everything and I don’t think I could’ve dreamed you if I tried. Those friends, H…” He looks nods towards their yard. “Everyone out there—my- my family is all due to you.”
Harry kisses him this time, a bit more desperate, faster, harder and they exchange I love yous and blowjobs in the bathroom before they join everyone back at the pool again.
Both Niall and Liam look at them knowingly, both with smirks on their faces, and Harry just laughs and sinks his head in the water while Louis swims towards the kids to play with them.
Like Louis said, it’s a perfect summer day.
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In December, Louis wakes up in the middle of the night with Harry shaking him nonstop. It’s one of the first nights in which the newborns actually decided to sleep, and he considers murdering his husband for waking him up at three thirty in the morning, but Harry sounds so happy and-
“What, Hazz?” He mumbles.
“Please, open your eyes.” Harry whispers. “At least one eye?” He pleads, excitement clear in his voice.
“I’m cold”, Louis says, one eye open. Harry scoots closer and hugs him. “What happened, H?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“’M sorry, babe.”
“So I went online.”
“Bad idea”, he mumbles again.
“Guess what?” Harry whispers.
“What?”
“You—you were nominated for a few Grammy’s. Album of the year and Song of the Year are two of them.”
“What?” Louis opens both eyes now.
“Yes!”
“Harry!”
“I know!”
“What song?”
“Just Hold On.”
“Fuck.”
“Your parents would be so, so proud.” Harry hugs him tighter. Louis wrote this song for them, for his mother, specifically, on the tenth anniversary of her death. “I am so proud, my love”, he kisses him on the cheek, forehead, nose, mouth.
Louis can’t say much, he’s too emotional for it right now – but he hopes he shows Harry how happy he is when he straddles him on the bed, sleep be damned, to give him a celebratory ride.
Louis celebrates his Grammy nomination with his husband, and months from now he'll celebrate his win – he’ll go up on the stage and thank everyone, every person who was part of his journey this far. Harry will be in the audience while Liam and Sophia watch their kids at home, since Sophia’s just had her third baby.
Gemma and Niall join them at the after party, and they dance like there is no tomorrow – even though there are lots of tomorrows ahead. There is forever waiting to be lived by them.
Amidst it all, for the first time after their wedding night, the second after his rehab back in 2016, Louis will drink a champagne flute.
The urge to drink a lot never comes back again. He never feels like he wants to die. Not anymore. Not for a long, long time now. He has a life worth living.
And the art of survival, Louis found out, certainly is a game that never ends – and his demons never really went away, not completely, but instead of pushing them to the opposite direction, he became acquainted with them, knowing that they’re a part of him, they made him who he is today, they made it possible for his life to turn out the way it is…
Now Louis knows that everybody has ups and downs, and that life is a pile of good things and bad things. "The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa… The bad things don’t always spoil the good things or make them unimportant."
He fought war with love to be where he is right now. To be who he is. And the battles have taught him that the key to writing your own story isn't the pencil. It's the eraser.
The key to life is the second chance.