Chapter Text
The storm finally broke the next morning , and Hiisi island welcomed a beautiful sunrise. Splashes of orange and pink peaked through the window and Lauma couldn’t help but smile.
She’d been awake for a while , having not really slept since Nefer arrived. The moonchanter was on edge , something about seeing so much of Nefer’s fragility all at once made her chest ache , and there was still much to discuss.
Lauma was laying on her side , antlers angled to avoid the headboard with one arm draped loosely around Nefer’s waist . Present and ready for the other too awake. She’d been checking on Nefer’s fever throughout the night , she was still too warm , but no longer burning.
The silence was loud , Lauma had a lot of unanswered questions and old feelings , and knowing that Nefer felt the same excited her and scared her in the same breath , but if there was one thing that Lauma had come to learn since their time apart , it was that she didn’t want to be with anybody else.
Nefer began to stir around mid morning. It started with a small sound , an almost-questioning hum in her throat before her breathing began to change. Her body twitches slightly , and she finds herself flexing her fingers against the blanket to correct herself. Except it’s not her blanket.
There’s a sharp inhale as she blinks once , and then again. Her memory taking a moment to catch up with her body.
❝ easy ❞ Lauma murmurs , noticing all of Nefer’s little shift and sounds. ❝ you’re alright ❞.
Nefer turns her head slightly and finds her. Staring for perhaps just a moment too long without responding but Lauma notices the visible loosening of tension in Nefer’s body and offers a small smile.
❝ you’re still … real ❞ Nefer says finally , her voice still heavy with sleep.
Lauma snorts softly , reaching up to cup Nefer’s cheek. ❝ I was hoping I would be ❞.
Nefer smiled , nuzzling against Lauma’s touch. ❝ my head ❞ she breathed , ❝ hurts ❞.
Lauma frowned a little , placing the back of her hand against Nefer’s forehead. ❝ not as bad as yesterday , but still warmer than I’d like ❞.
Nefer shifts , then pauses , clearly testing her own strength before sitting up a little. Lauma moves with her instinctively , pressing a steadying hand to her back.
❝ carefully now ❞
❝ moonchanter ❞ Nefer muttered fondly , ❝ I’ve survived worse than a fever ❞. Though it’s clear that each move is taking more effort than it should. Nefer was sitting up fully , Lauma’s hand supporting her. It took another long moment before she moved again , slipping a leg out from beneath the blanket.
❝ yes ❞ Lauma said dryly , ❝ and you don’t need to prove that to me , where are you going ❞ her voice growing quiet. Suddenly afraid that Nefer might be trying to go home. She couldn’t force her to stay forever , she knew that , but she just needed more time.
❝ bathroom , I feel germy ❞ Nefer said. Perched on the side of the bed , afraid to test her leg’s strength.
❝ germy ❞ Lauma raised a brow , ❝ a fever isn’t infectious you know ❞.
Nefer groaned. Her head was hanging low.
Lauma lost her smile and climbed out of the bed , making her way around to Nefer’s side. ❝ let me help ❞. She said , offering a hand.
Nefer blushed , looking up at Lauma’s innocent offer. She felt bad for not wanting to accept it. She scoffed , ❝ how pathetic of me to not even manage to be able to make it to the toilet on my own ❞. Still not reaching out for Lauma’s outstretched hand. But even sitting unaided for this long was taking precious energy.
❝ Nefer ❞ Lauma began , almost scolding. ❝ you just need help right now , not forever. The sooner you accept it , the sooner you’ll be able to recover , instead of wasting your energy through your own stubbornness ❞.
Nefer sighed , but she took Lauma’s hand.
Lauma wrapped her other arm around Nefer’s waist and helped the smaller woman to her feet , and into Lauma’s bathroom.
❝ this is embarrassing ❞ Nefer’s face was still flushed.
Lauma said nothing , turning away to allow Nefer some privacy , warming the water in the sink.
❝ I’ll get you some fresh clothes too ❞ the moonchanter smiled , returning with a new nightgown for Nefer to wear.
❝ thank you ❞ she muttered.
Lauma took a wash cloth and offered it to Nefer. ❝ get rid of the ‘germy’ feeling ❞. She said , trying not to smile.
Nefer was already spent on energy. Her limbs were heavy. The lights were too bright. Her eyes couldn’t stay focused. ❝ Lauma … ❞ her breath quickened
Her voice came out wrong. Thin. Unsteady
Lauma’s face dropped , and she was by Nefer’s side in an instant ❝ it’s okay , I’m here ❞.
❝ I think I’m going to faint ❞. The admission scared her more than the sensation itself. Nefer did not faint. She endured. She pushed through. She stayed upright , yet her knees betrayed her anyway.
Lauma was there immediately , helping Nefer to the ground. Nefer closed her eyes tight , and leant her head on Lauma’s shoulder in a conscious effort to not pass out. Her breaths came quickly , and her body shook but she had her anchor. Lauma was there.
❝ I know you’re scared , but if it’s going to happen , let it , I’ve got you ❞. Lauma tried to reassure her.
❝ I don’t want to disappear ❞. Nefer’s voice is panicked and laboured.
❝ i won’t let you ❞ , Lauma felt as though she was holding her together and failing. ❝ when you’re ready , we need to get you back in bed , this can wait , your health cannot ❞. Her voice stern , but she felt the slightest nod against her shoulder. ❝ good girl ❞.
Nefer couldn’t argue. Even the simplest task was too much , and she longed for nothing more than to be back in Lauma’s bed. Where it was safe.
❝ I’m hate this ❞ Nefer whispered.
And Lauma’s heart cracked.
❝ I know , but you’re safe ❞.
They sat like that for a while , Lauma’s presence was steady , she was real and Nefer needed that. When the feeling began to fade , she loosened her grip on Lauma’s clothes , not fully letting go , but enough that her body wasn’t tight with tension and fear.
Lauma made the decision to carry Nefer back to bed , the smaller woman had tried to protest , but the moonchanter had already swept her up off of the ground and was settling her back into bed.
❝ If you really feel gross , I can help you with a sponge bath later tonight , for now , you’re staying in this bed ❞ Lauma’s tone was stern but not angry. She placed a gentle kiss on Nefer’s warm forehead , perching on the side of the bed , taking a smaller hand in her own. ❝ do you think you can eat ? Perhaps something for energy would help ? ❞.
Nefer grumbled , not impressed at all by her situation which was all her fault. Her eyes rested on Lauma , unfocused but she knew her moonchanter well enough. ❝ I can try , something small ❞. That was always a problem with Nefer , she never fueled herself enough , never ate big meals or even - all her meals. She blamed her desert upbringing and then ? her habit of overworking.
Lauma gave her hand a gentle squeeze , before going to warm her through some soup that she had prepared the day before , when Nefer had spent the majority of the day asleep. It would provide at least some basic nutrients.
❝ veggie pot soup ❞ , Lauma smiled , bringing Nefer a small bowl on a tray with a spoon.
Nefer was sitting now , resting against the headboard. ❝ thank you ❞. She started slowly , it was the perfect temperature , and easy to swallow. Eventually when she was half way through the bowl she spoke again. ❝ where’s yours ? ❞
Lauma frowned , ❝ don’t worry about me , I have plenty of food ❞. Lauma had quite a structured diet , she needed to maintain her energy even on days she wasn’t tending to her duties as the moonchanter.
Nefer didn’t doubt her , instead she finished her soup in silence , the warmth it made her feel in her stomach was comforting.
❝ so.. What happens now ? ❞ , Nefer asks , not too sure what ‘doing nothing’ looked like.
Lauma took a moment to consider the question carefully. Not as a leader. Not as a moonchanter. Just as herself.
❝ well , you’ve eaten which is good , so I suppose now you rest , more than you’ll want to , and you stay until actually better , not just stubborn ❞.
Nefer’s lip twitched , she wanted to argue that she wasn’t stubborn , but she thought she’d save them both the lie. Instead , she settled back against the headboard , her favourite blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a cape , whilst sitting underneath Lauma’s bed covers.
Lauma busied herself with a few house chores , chatting to the animals outside of her enclave while Nefer rested a while. The moonchanter even spent some time writing to Jahoda , giving her an update on Nefer’s condition , and a separate letter to the scions , stating that she would still be out of action for a few more days.
She couldn’t stay away from Nefer too long , she didn’t like the idea of her being alone and unwell , so after her letters were sent off , she slipped back into the bedroom.
❝ Lauma ❞ , Nefer speaks and her voice breaks immediately. Not loudly. Not dramatically. Just enough to betray her , too much time alone , too much time to think.
The moonchanter is beside her , looking at her fondly , gently tracing patterns on the back of the others hand.
❝ I don’t know how to do this ❞ Nefer admits. Her fingers curling tighter into the blanket. ❝ I don’t know how to be here without… bracing for the moment you realise I’m not worth the trouble ❞.
There it is. The thing she never lets anyone hear.
Lauma inhales slowly , grounding herself before answering. But Nefer keeps going , words spilling now that the dam has cracked.
❝ I spent years being useful because that was safer than being wanted. I learned how to leave before anyone could decide to push me out ❞ Nefer felt her throat tighten. ❝ but when I came here … to you , I-I didn’t have a plan , I didn’t have an exit. I just walked until my legs stopped working and knocked on your door like a child who didn’t know where else to go , who only knew their way back home ❞. She sniffles , taking in a breath before continuing further. ❝ I hate that it was you , that home is … you ❞. She whispered. ❝ Not because it was you , but because you’re the only person who ever made me feel like I didn’t have to earn my place. And that terrifies me , because I know … I know eventually I ruin it ❞.
Nefer was crying now , her knees brought up to her chest , she’d been ruminating on what if this was all a bad idea. She ruined this once , hurt Lauma before , and the idea of doing that again stung more than the idea of being alone.
Lauma had already shifted closer , a hand running through the other's hair. ❝ Nefer ❞ , her tone was gentle , but there was no hiding the pain behind it. ❝ look at me ❞.
And of course Nefer did , because she always does , always wants to.
❝ You are not a debt ❞ Lauma says, each word deliberate ❝ You are not a burden I tolerate because you are useful. And you are not something fragile I’ll regret touching ❞
Nefer felt her lips tremble , ❝ you don’t know how hard I am to love ❞.
Lauma’s eyes soften , but her voice does not waver. ❝ I know exactly what it’s like to love you Nefer , because I never stopped ❞.
That did it.
Nefer’s body folds forward with a broken sound , forehead pressing into Lauma’s chest , shoulders shaking as the control finally slips. This isn’t quiet crying. This is grief dragged up from years of being alone in crowded rooms , from surviving things no one should have survived.
❝ I’m so tired ❞ Nefer sobs , ❝ I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of pretending I don’t need anyone. I’m tired of walking away before I’m left ❞.
Lauma wraps her arms fully around her now , no restraint left , holding Nefer like something precious and breakable and wanted.
❝ then don’t ❞ Lauma mutters into Nefer’s hair , ❝ Just be here. Just with me. You don’t have to be strong in this room. ❞
Nefer clutches at her like she might disappear if she loosens her grip.
❝ promise me ❞ she whispers hoarsely , ❝ promise that you won’t only love me halfway ❞. She needed this to be all or nothing , if they were in , they were in the whole way.
Lauma held her , just a little bit tighter , pressing her lips to Nefer’s crown with a lingering kiss. ❝ I don’t know how to love you any other way ❞.
Nefer exhales a shuddering breath , something uncoiling in her chest at last. She stays there , held and seen and aching but for the first time she's not trying to run , she’s not trying to figure out an escape plan.
For the first time , she lets herself believe she might be allowed to stay.
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Lauma didn’t rush Nefer to be okay , didn’t pull away until Nefer pulled away first. She stayed with her while she slept , another restless sleep. The moonchanter couldn’t quite understand how Nefer functioned on such little and poor quality of sleep , though Lauma knew from her own experience with poor sleeping habits , she always found a reason to push on.
Nefer was laying eye to eye with Lauma now , a hand cupping the moonchanters face , appreciating but also ensuring she’s still real.
Lauma’s smile was soft , she knew she was one of the rare people to feel Nefer’s gentle touches , it made her heart warm and fuzzy.
❝ Nefer ❞ , Lauma says softly , ❝ there is something I’d like to talk about , if that is quite alright ? ❞
Nefer stiffened immediately.
And Lauma felt it , and heard the minuscule change in her breathing.
❝ you don’t have to ❞ Lauma adds , ❝ Not if it’s too much. But I think… I think it’s been haunting you for a long time ❞. Her hand was steady , resting across Nefer’s waist.
Nefer visibly shrinks. Curling in on herself before answering in a small voice. ❝ you … you mean the dreams ❞.
She’d been dreading if this day ever came. Her nightmares were one of her own biggest flaws.
❝ you called my name ❞ Lauma says softly , ❝ it’s not the first time , and it’s not every time , but please , I’ve seen it bad Nefer , I’d just … like to understand ❞.
Nefer’s breath goes shallow. Like cold water began pooling at her ankles , and she was on a time trial to find a way out.
❝ they’re always changing , the nightmares , encompass different - fears - of mine ❞. She averted her gaze before continuing. ❝ recently , in my dreams , I’m blind , I can’t see but at the same time I can see the whole thing unfolding like multiple perspectives that cannot communicate ❞.
Lauma is patient , listening and not daring to interrupt.
❝ I can hear everything , I hear .. you and I know you’re hurt. I can hear it in your voice everytime , yet no matter how hard I try to get to you , I can’t see. And your voice never seems to come any closer ❞.
Lauma noticed Nefer’s hands had begun to shake , without a word she reached out to still them. To bring some comfort to Nefer.
❝ I try to reach you , but I’m keep stumbling , and I can’t - I can’t find you. I can’t even find myself , and I still try , try to reach out but there is nothing just emptiness in the air .. and then you stop calling my name… ❞ her voice cracks on the last word. ❝ and that’s - that’s when I wake up , without knowing if you’re dead or alive ❞.
❝ Nefer ❞ Lauma frowned , ❝ why didn’t you tell me before ? ❞ how many other variations of that dream had she suffered. How many people was she punishing herself for , for not being able to save them.
❝ because ❞ a whisper. ❝ what if it’s a warning , what if one day it isn’t a dream ? What if one day , you really need me and I mess it up and I can't - I don’t save you ❞. She’s crying now , once again. She feels so stupid for the amount she’s cried since being here , but she couldn’t handle it alone anymore.
❝ listen to me ❞ Lauma’s voice takes on that all knowing steady tone , the one that Nefer finds comfort in. The one that cuts through the chaos. ❝ you are not blind , and I don’t need saving , all of these ‘what ifs’ they mean nothing ❞.
❝ Lauma ❞ a weak plea , but there is more to it than that.
And Lauma knows it too. She knows that face , knows that there are still things left unsaid.
❝ Nefer , what aren’t you telling me ❞ she presses.
❝ I lost my sight temporarily and it was awful , and it’s thanks to you I have it back ❞ she starts , breathing heavy between sentences. ❝ and I thought maybe that’s why the nightmares got worse , and maybe it is part of it but … ❞. Everything felt heavy , her chest , her mind. This was harder than she’d ever expected.
❝ Lauma , one day , I will go blind - for good ❞.
Lauma doesn’t interrupt. She already knows this is going to hurt.
Nefer takes a moment , to steady herself , to breathe.
❝ the chess set , the one you saw , using it - comes at a price ❞.
❝ your - your sight ? ❞ Lauma’s eyes widened , her jaw tightening. She didn’t like this one bit.
❝ yes ❞ a whispered response. ❝ I dream I’m blind because one day I might be and the first thing I’m afraid of losing isn’t even myself … it’s you ❞.
Lauma instinctively pulls her closer. Her own heart hammering away in her chest as a single tear dares to fall. ❝ you should have to me❞ , the moonchanters voice is weaker now.
❝ I couldn’t ❞ Nefer says , curling further into Lauma. ❝ I didn’t want it to be real , and I didn’t want it to be a burden we both had to bare. The work doesn’t stop because I’m afraid. If - when - I go blind … it’ll have been my choice ❞.
Lauma closes her eyes , pressing her lips into Nefer’s hair , breathing through the surge of fear and anger and love all tangled together.
They’re both silent for a while , both needing time to process but it’s Lauma who speaks first. Barely above a whisper.
❝ you’re not expandable Nefer ❞.
❝ the world doesn’t agree ❞ Nefer scoffed. All she ever knew was that the world would take what it wanted. Regardless on whether you had the strength to give or not.
❝ you look into the set to protect others but you don’t get to sacrifice yourself and call it duty. I won’t let you ❞. Lauma was filled with emotion , and yet she was trying hard to still be an anchor for Nefer , to let her express her fears and worries freely. Lauma had pushed this subject and now - she was more frightened than before.
❝ are we not one in the same ❞ Nefer questioned. Pulling back to look Lauma in the eye. ❝ you give your blood , weaken yourself for the benefit of your people , is that not sacrifice masked as duty ❞.
❝ there’s a difference ❞ Lauma frowns.
❝ really ? Enlighten me ❞
❝ I heal Nefer. Myself , it may take time to replenish my energy , but I know my limits. My body always comes back , but you … once your sight is gone - ❞ Lauma’s voice broke and she looked away embarrassed. How could she be the one getting upset ? it wasn’t going to happen to her and yet , the thought of anything happening to Nefer was worse. ❝ you’ve sacrificed so much just to be where you are .. it doesn’t seem fair ❞.
Nefer’s chest aches. Seeing the moonchanter genuinely pained over this revelation was breaking her. ❝ life isn’t fair ❞.
Lauma wanted to protest , to ask Nefer to never use the set again. To preserve the sight she had , but she wouldn’t. She knew Nefer too well. Knew that putting that kind of pressure on her would only make Nefer turn in on herself. If it was a decision to be made , Nefer would have to come to the conclusion herself.
❝ Moonchanter , please don’t cry ❞ Nefer is the one wiping tears away from the other now. ❝ this is something i have know , something I should be starting to better prepare for , I’ve - for the most part - accepted my fate ❞. Though now with Lauma back in her life in more than just a business relationship. She was having doubts.
❝ I don’t like this. Not one bit ❞.
❝ neither do I ❞.
The room fell to silence. All they could do now was be present - and process together.