Chapter Text
it's shocking how quickly peace can slip between your fingers. like sand on a sunlit beach, like brightly lit aquarium water, like gunshots and bloodspray.
they had gone to bed early, suguru tired from all the emotions, and satoru tired from his meetings. they hadn't slept right away, nor had they talked, instead they'd just silently clung to each other, and eventually, after shoko had brought them both bowls of the chicken and rice ijichi had made, they had slept.
they thought, maybe, just maybe, that they'd have time to deal with things tomorrow. to talk more, to plan.
satoru got a call early that morning, something frantic. he had left after shaking him and telling him to go get shoko, still in his pajamas.
he watched satoru blink out of existence, a sense of profound dread worming it's way into his chest and resting there, right under the x shaped scar. the room felt satorus absence, the leftovers of his technique rippling off the walls in thick, anxious residuals as he stumbled out of bed and down the hall, knocking on shoko's door.
she answers quickly enough, looking like she had just rolled out of bed as well.
"satoru said to get you- he got an emergency call, i don't know how bad it is, he barely woke me before he just.. left-"
she blinked slowly as she processed the information, before nodding. "okay.. okay. go get dressed then come to the infirmary." she stated quickly, stepping past him and making her way down the hall, leaving him alone again.
'something feels very wrong.'
the morning seemed to thunder, at first. a warning of the storm to come, distant, but inevitable. everything else shattered the second those stormy blue eyes reappeared in shoko's infirmary, haibara in his arms, pale faced, limp, bleeding.
gunshots and bloodspray- suguru, do you want to.. kill them all?- i killed satoru gojo- gunshots and-
"he's still alive." satoru's voice sounds distant, empty, lifeless. as if he's the one being laid on the infirmary bed instead.
suguru feels empty, too. he knows they're both thinking of an arm hanging out of a white cloth.
"good, let's keep it that way." shoko grumbles, "geto." she snaps, "go get nanami."
satoru is gone before he can even nod at her, between one breath and the next, as if he hadn't even been there in the first place. he sets out to find yaga, so he can find nanami, the sharp taste of ozone resting on his tongue.
his scars itch, and the look in satoru's eyes still haunts him. he'd looked the same, holding haibara, as he did when he held riko. even knowing haibara was still alive…
it settles in his gut wrong, churning like a curse he regrets swallowing, something he thought would've been easier by now. 'please be okay.' he repeats the phrase in his head like a mantra, trying to forget how pale haibara had looked, how his blood had soaked through the front of his shirt, how satorus pajama shirt was red with it as well. 'please be okay.' he turned the next corner, knocking on yaga's office door with urgency. 'please be okay.'
"geto?"
"where's nanami." his voice sounded tense to his own ears, and he can only imagine how he looks, uniform askew, thrown on in a hurry, hair down, practically shaking.
"geto whats-"
"where is nanami." he asked again, sharper. "haibara is in the infirmary and i was told to find him."
yaga's brows furrowed. "he's on a mission, he should be back soon, you and gojo were supposed to go together if-"
he grits his teeth. "there wasn't time for me to go with. when is nanami supposed to be back?"
"maybe half an hour, roughly. I'll send him to the infirmary when he gets here-"
"don't." he snaps, composure fracturing before he can piece it back together. "please. i need this."
there's silence for a moment, and he can't bring himself to look at his sensei, instead glaring at the room behind him.'i should be doing something. i should be doing something. i should be doing something.'
"suguru." theres a warm hand on his shoulder, and he realizes he's been clenching his fists so tightly his knuckles have lost their color. "you can make yourself useful by giving me updates from shoko, alright?"
he take a deep breath, shaking out his hands. "okay." he mutters, steeling his resolve. "okay."
"you should take a breather, kid. get yourself together before you go back in, alright?" yaga pats his shoulder gently. "haibara is in good hands, and shoko will need time to work. take a lap around the building, then come back. okay?"
he nodded numbly, clenching and unclenching his hands again. "okay." 'take a lap, check in with shoko, report to yaga.' he started his lap, taking quick steps and running his hands through his hair, trying to soothe his nerves. deep breath in, deep breath out. he doesn't run, instead focusing on long strides, counting them in his head, letting himself recenter.
he can do this.
time starts to blur from there, and his fears slow to a measly crawl in the background as he keeps busy. every 20 minutes he gets a status update from shoko, then he goes to yaga and reports it back. yaga gives him some task or another to keep him moving between updates, otherwise he starts pacing and biting his nails.
nanami arrived when yaga had said he would, and yaga sent him to collect the man, who had promptly headed straight for the infirmary once suguru had explained the situation.
suguru reports that back to yaga too, who stares at him with a level of scruitiny that feels excessive.
"go get yourself something to eat. i don't care what, i don't care where you get it, but make sure its substantial. and drinks some water too."
"thats it?"
"for now, yes. then come back."
he shakes out his hands, lips pulling down into a slight frown. "you're sure?"
"you've been on your feet and dealing with the brunt of this for hours, suguru. you need to take a break. 20 minutes, at minimum. go stare at the sky or something. step away, recenter, then come back."
"…okay."
the 20 minute break feels like it takes forever, a jog to the nearest konbini, instead of the in school cafeteria, because it wouldnt take long enough, and every second he spends not moving is another second he has to think about how pale haibara had looked, how their society allows this sort of tragedy and doesn't even bat an eye at it, how this will end up landing on either his, or satoru's, or both of their shoulders, because somehow it always does- he doesn't really remember the jog there. or the jog back. he knows he ate something, remembers feeling it in his hands, rememebers swallowing down each dry bite because he was hungry, and he didn't want yaga to be mad at him. he didn't care that much, too busy outrunning himself and the hatred biting at his ankles with a vengence.
because this has an easy solution, doesn't it.
the conversation with tsukumo swirls in the water below him, threatening to drag him under.
this- haibara, satoru, amanai, kuroi- this is what happens when the world is unbalanced. when the strong are forced to protect the weak, even at the cost of their own lives.
he clenches his fists, the water churning further up his legs for a moment as he sucks in a breath, then lets it out.
the water receeds, the phantom taste of ozone buzzing at the back of his neck, a reminder of what he's waiting for. he needs to keep it together, just for long enough that haibara wakes up, long enough for satoru to come back, long enough for them to finally talk to yaga, for them to talk about haibara, and amanai, and how haunted he knows they both are.
he just needs to tread water for long enough.
nearly three hours later, haibara is reportedly stable. nanami had slipped into the room to sit beside him, and shoko had slipped out to give a full rundown to him and yaga.
yaga nods slightly once she's finished outlining what his recovery might look like, stressing that she can't guarentee anything right now. "thank you, ieiri." he pats her on the shoulder before looking at suguru. "have you heard anything from gojo?"
he blinks at the question, brow furrowing as he realizes he's been so focused on everything else that he failed to notice just how long satoru has been gone. he'd noticed that he was, sure, but time is fickle when you're running away from it. he slips his phone from his pocket, quickly glancing at his notifications. no satoru.
"no, i haven't." he can feel the water starting to lap at his heels, colder then before. "he should've been done by now, right-" something brushes against his feet, just under the surface, deep enough that it's just a shadow.
shoko puts a hand on his shoulder, a silent show of support. the shadow dips further under, taking some of the chill with it. not all of it, just enough for him to breathe.
"he should've, I'll check with the window to see if-"
there's a burst of energy, blue eyes appearing from nowhere, white hair sticking up at odd angles. he looks hollowed out, the front of his brightly colored digimon shirt still coated in blood, his pink cinnamoroll pants catching some of it as well. his eyes are the brightest he's seen them in a while, glowing from his techniques yet somehow so utterly vacant.
'he looks like he's not even here.' he thinks, the water turning fridgid all at once, ice cold against his spine, teeth grazing his feet.
"satoru? are you alright?"
there's no response, other then a few blinks. suddenly those eyes snap to him, the full weight of them buzzing at the back of his neck.
"satoru? can you hear me?"
no response, more blinking, a tense frown.
'that's a no.' he glances at shoko, forcing himself to breathe despite the fear, "i got him, check on us later?"
"alright-"
he doesn't wait for yaga to say anything, instead grabbing satoru by the hand and dragging him away. somewhere away from prying eyes, somewhere he can help ground him and deal with the aftermath of whatever feeling has left him looking that hollow.