Chapter Text
Discoveries such as these should be life changing. Taking the dust out of things you’d hidden away for such a long time, coming face to face with a truth you always refused… it should be like an earthquake. It had always been like that for Tsukisima.
But it wasn't. He made up his mind not to do anything about it. Not to act upon it. Though he could not stash them away again and he had to live while knowing, there would be not letting it show outwardly. And that was fine. It was not denial anymore. It was just pretending. And he would do it for Yamaguchi.
Kind of funny, how Yamaguchi was the reason Tsukishima had stopped hiding away so much, but also exactly who he had to hide things from. It would take a toll on Tsukishima’s conscience, to lie by omission to his best friend. But the truth would hurt him more, definitely. Yamaguchi was just empathetic like that.
And he could not hurt Yamaguchi.
He refused to.
So nothing would change but his lonely thoughts.
The curious thing, the truly funny thing was that it was easy. Tsukishima was an expert in self-control.
So, when Yamaguchi texted him asking if he had arrived home safely, he answered with a thumbs up emoticon and that was it. He went to sleep.
So when, the next day, he showed up at the usual intersection where they always met on their way to school, and saw Yamaguchi there, he nodded his head and took off his headphones. The start of a normal day.
So when Yamaguchi pouted a little, Tsukishima raised his eyebrows and did not mention how the telltale signs of him being anxious (scrunched up nose, shifting his weight, reluctance to maintain eye contact) made Tsukishma want to run his fingers through Yamaguchi’s hair and ask what was up.
He did imagine it though, and he almost laughed. Sappy.
But Yamaguchi’s frown deepened.
Tsukishima hummed softly, starting a mental countdown.
And right on cue, Yamaguchi stopped walking. “Hey, Tsukki…”
“Yeah?” he asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye now. Casually. Like a friend.
“I… are you okay?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yeah,” he shrugged.
“Oh! Good!” Yamaguchi cheered up just with that, in his nervous way of cheering up. As if he was taken aback by the relief that washed over him. He looked up at Tsukishima with bright eyes and absolute trust. And, ugh, he was so freaking cute.
Tsukishima startled a little. Huh, so he guessed now there was no filter in his mind. That, he could live with.
Yamaguchi, who had begun walking again, stopped almost immediately. “Tsukki?!” he said, back to being alarmed. "Did-?"
“No, nothing happened. Just thought I had left a thing home. Doesn’t matter now. I’ll live.”
“Oh, okay. If you did, though, I’ll lend you mine!”
Tsukishima laughed lightly, easily walking up to Yamaguchi. “You’ll lend it to me? Yamaguchi, we are in the same class, that’d just mean you wouldn’t have it.”
Yamaguchi rolled his eyes a little. “I was being nice .”
“You were being dumb,” he teased.
“Tsukki! That’s just rude!” Yamaguchi pouted again, but this time his eyes showed amusement.
“Yep.” Tsukishima shrugged, smirking ever so slightly.
“First you just text me a freaking thumbs up, now this!” Yamaguchi said, in mock offense, crossing his arms over his chest and glancing away for a second, before peeking back at Tsukishima as his corners of his lips curved up.
Tsukishima returned a loop-sided grin and acted as if neither of them had noticed. “Oh, guess you’ll have to teach me a lesson. How will you do that?”
Yamaguchi immediately laughed, shoulders shaking. He smacked Tsukishima's arm playfully. “Don't say it like that !”
Tsukishima snorted. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“You know exactly what I mean. You sound like a dirty old man .” Yamaguchi explained, chuckling.
At that, Tsukishima exhaled some air. His version of a gasp. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Yamaguchi. I am innocent.”
“You are no such thing!”
“How dare you. I am but a child.”
Yamaguchi kept laughing through his teeth, covering his mouth. When he did that, he always let out a weird sound. Like a balloon deflating. It had always been a comforting when it should have been hideous.
Tsukishima glanced at him and then looked away. “It’s the Truth.”
Yamaguchi nodded. “Okay, okay. You win.” He was smiling widely, and his dimples showed.
“Of course I did. I always win.”
“Only because I let you,” Yamaguchi replied. After a pause, he added: “You are in a good mood today.”
“Take that back. Disgusting.”
“It’s the truth, though. Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened,” he lied. Or did he? Nothing had happened. Nothing had changed.
Yamaguchi nodded, obviously skeptical but letting it be. “Well, maybe… maybe ‘nothing’ is good… but only every once in a while.”
“You are making no sense.”
With a sigh, Yamaguchi's voice lost its soft but serious air. "Or maybe you need to broaden your understanding.” He then put his hands on his own head and moved them strangely, as if expanding and-
Tsukishima quirked an eyebrow. “Is that a fucking meme reference?”
Yamaguchi gave him one of his fakely innocent smiles. “Don’t curse, now, innocent child.”
Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “I see you’ve used my own words against me. Daring.”
“Galaxy brained, you might even say.”
“Galax- what?” Tsukishima looked at him with a frown. “Who gets you, really.”
Yamaguchi laughed and glanced to the side, smile becoming smaller but no less sincere.
It was written in his face: ‘You do.’
Sappy. Tsukishima looked away. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”
“I didn’t say anything!” he giggled.
Tsukishima blew some air through his nose, ignoring the heat he felt on his own neck and face.
“Still. You know. Shut up.”
“Okay, Tsukki! Sorry, Tsukki!"
Tsukishima stole another quick look at him, which Yamaguchi caught at the last second. He then ducked his head, probably. Tsukishima wasn’t going to check. But he probably did and then smiled one of those weird smiles that seemed sad and not, at the same time.
God I love you, crossed his mind. Strange, to allow himself freedom, even if it was just of thought.
But nothing more had changed. And nothing more would change.
Except it did.
He could not understand how or why, but it actually did.
It started happening slowly. So slowly he did not even realize it, until one day he was having lunch and the freak duo approached him.
“Huh?” was the first thing Hinata said, looking around in confusion.
Kageyama also looked around. “Mh,” he said.
Tsukishima frowned at them. “What is wrong with you. I mean, aside from the obvious?”
Both glared at him, though Kageyama did so more intensely.
“Where’s Yamaguchi?” Hinata asked.
Tsukishima shrugged. “He said he had to ask the English teacher something.”
“Oh, I see.” Hinata said and, uninvited, sat down to have lunch with Tsukishima.
Kageyama sat down too and took a long sip of his milk, before looking pointedly at Hinata.
Hinata looked at him back, grimacing. Great. Fantastic. Telepathic conversations. Right in front of his bento.
Still, lacking anything better to do, he observed them, looking at each other, frowns deepening slightly until they were glaring at each other. Tsukishima was not sure what was happening, but he had the slight impression he did not really want to know.
Except, in the end, Kageyama nodded and turned to Tsukishima. “So.”
Tsukishima raised his eyebrows. “I’m not your oompa loompa, you know? I can’t read your mind?”
“Wh- what?!” Hinata said, a scowl on his face.
Kageyama seemed confused. “What’s an oompa loompa…”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Violet Beauregarde,” Tsukishima said, chuckling, but neither of them got the reference. “Ugh, you idiots. You’ve never read a book, have you?”
“No,” Kageyama replied, without shame. “Anyway. Uh.”
“Very eloquent.”
“Tsukishima! Stop pestering him and let him think!”
“Oh, he can do that outside of the court?”
Kageyama scoffed. “Whatever, I was trying to find a way to be nice about it, but you are an asshole, either way. So: Yamaguchi is avoiding you.”
Tsukishima looked back at him and frowned. “He’s not.” Honestly, the thought was absurd. Yamaguchi, avoiding him? As if. “He just had to ask a ques-”
“Remember last week? When he stayed behind after practice to ask Coach a question, too?” Hinata interrupted.
“That was just-”
“Or when he overslept, on Wednesday,” Kageyama added.
“Or when he had to talk to Yachi in your last free period.”
“Or yesterday when he had to help the history teacher carry the exams.”
“Or when Shimada-san appeared randomly to treat him for ice cream.”
Tsukishima felt his blood run cold.
“Or-”
“Okay! I get it!”
How had he not realized that suddenly Yamaguchi had so many other places to be? How had he not realized he was not as present in his life?
Maybe it was because part of him thought it was good? At least then he would not have to stand in front of Yamaguchi, constantly thinking in the back of his mind how easily it would be to just steal a kiss.
But now, now it hurt.
Hinata blinked at him. “So… what did you do?”
Tsukishima frowned at him. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Kageyama finished his milk. “Maybe you were mean without realizing.”
Oh god, no. He was not going to get interpersonal advice from Kageyama. “I’m not you.”
Hinata pursed his lips. “Has he been worried about anything in particular, lately?”
“He always is,” Tsukishima said, feeling just… stupid. Vulnerable. He did not like it. Not like this.
“He said ‘in particular. He meant-”
“Ugh, I don’t need you to teach me. Fine. I don’t know.”
“You… don’t know?” Hinata repeated, blinking.
“That’s what I just-”
Kageyama and Hinata exchanged one of their looks. Then Kageyama looked back at Tsukishima. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
“How could I?” Tsukishima asked, frowning, because that hit a nerve.
And then-
“Isn’t he your soulmate?” asked Hinata.
-then he got the surprise that they had hit that nerve on purpose.
Tsukishima slowly stood up. “Goodbye.”
“Wait! Tsukishima!” Hinata said, standing up as well.
It was too late to stop him, however.
So not only was Yamaguchi ignoring him, but other people had thought they were soulmates. It hurt. It annoyed him. But mostly: both things seemed intrinsically related except he did not know how. He just had the feeling. But maybe he was just going crazy.
It was too much, too much, the world seemed to be falling to pieces in front of him. Certainties disappeared.
What if he lost Yamaguchi?
He tried to make sense of it, but, in the end, he could not.
Thus, after class, he just sent a message to Yamaguchi: “You didn’t tell me. How did the conversation go?”
And Yamaguchi replied immediately. “Still have a lot of doubts!”
Tsukishima sighed. “Want to study at my place today? Maybe I can help you with those doubts.”
The answer took a bit. “Ah, sorry, I promised my mom I’d accompany her shopping.”
Liar.
The thought invaded him slowly, but then it became everything in his head. The worst echo, the scariest obsession.
Liar, liar, liar.
It was terrifying, the disdain in it he knew himself very capable of. But for Yamaguchi? No, never.
It was so wrong and foreign and disgusting.
Tsukishima tried to battle his own thoughts by focusing on Yamaguchi’s good points, which was basically everything else. And yet, there was something pushing against that.
He’s kind, he offered.
… too cowardly to be mean, he got back.
No, he’s not. He can tease people.
Only when hiding behind someone else, it continued.
He’s scared, he has the right to be. He’s been bullied.
That was years ago.
No. No. It needed to stop.
But it did not, it did not.
It freaked him out in a way nothing had ever done. Not even Akiteru. One thing was not knowing who your brother was. But not knowing your own self? It was too much.
He needed some peace, but it did not stop. He needed reassurance, but the only person who could usually reassure him was the topic in his thoughts.
But if he was lying, which was the core of the issue… at least, at least it was facing the issue.
That wasn’t normal for Tsukishima. Facing the issue? Since when?
Well, since now, it seemed.
So he ran to Yamaguchi’s house, rang the bell with a determination that he normally did not have, for anything. But also, with fear. Whatever this was, it only became worse with each passing moment.
Yamaguchi opened the door, his eyes going round and terrified. Before he could close the door, Tsukishima put his hand on the doorframe.
Yamaguchi stared at them. “Tsukki…” he said weakly. “I-”
“I don’t care if you lied!” he said, but his thoughts made him wonder if it was a lie of his own.
“I…” Yamaguchi stared for a moment. “I don’t want to talk.”
“No shit Yamaguchi, no wonder you are ignoring me,” he said, but his snark was frantic, and rather than his cold annoyance, it sounded panicked. “So, go on. Break my fingers if you really don’t want to talk.”
“What! Tsukki!”
“It’s the only way I’m leaving.”
Yamaguchi gawked, before he started blinking slowly. “What’s gotten into you,” he said, very softly. It sounded tired.
“I have no idea.”
But you are the only one who can help me, he thought.
Yamaguchi flinched, and then shook his head. “Tsukki, I can’t, I… I really can’t.”
Tsukishima tapped his fingers on the doorframe. “Well, you know what you've got to do.”
Yamaguchi closed his eyes tightly. “Please, Tsukki. I don’t ask many things...”
“Neither do I, so. Tough.”
Yamaguchi buried his face in his hands and breathed heavily. For a moment, Tsukishima thought about just leaving. He did not want to see Yamaguchi in such a state. Or, rather, he wanted to soothe him if he did, but he was crap at that, so it was better if he just left. Stopped making it worse.
Yes, leave.
But if he did… it seemed like a point of no return.
What if I lose him?
Tsukishima flinched at the thought. Scowling, he looked away.
“I can leave,” he offered, and Yamaguchi sighed in relief. “But first tell me what I did.”
Then, Yamaguchi looked at him with a surprised face. “What?”
“You are avoiding me, so I… did something, right?”
“Oh. Oh, right, that… makes sense.”
Tsukishima scoffed. “It does. Though it makes me furious because it was the two idiots that pointed it out to me.” He rolled his eyes and then looked at Yamaguchi for a moment. He could see a struggle in his face.
“You did nothing, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi muttered.
Tsukishima pursed his lips, fighting the word that was about to spill from his lips. “Then why?”
“I…” and then nothing.
“Yamaguchi.”
Yamaguchi shook his head, sighing.
“Seriously, just tell me.”
Yamaguchi swallowed loudly. “I- you really didn’t-”
“ Liar, ” it came out. It came out and Yamaguchi recoiled. Tsukishima just could not keep it any longer. “Stop it. Stop…. Stop acting like that.”
Yamaguchi’s face contorted into something painful. Tsukishima knew that face even if he wished he did not: he was fighting back tears.
“Yamaguchi, just tell me and I’ll fix it.”
Yamaguchi shook his head. “It can’t be-”
“Fine!” Tsukishima said, far too loud. “Fine, if it can’t be fixed, don’t tell me! Whatever. Just… tell me we can still be friends!”
Yamaguchi had said something similar, years ago, after Akiteru. Right before breaking down. It had been the earnesty of his request that had saved their friendship. The honesty of everything Yamaguchi did and had done, and now he was lying.
And now, he was silent.
Tsukishima felt like puking.
No.
“Yamaguchi-” he said weakly, voice absolutely on the verge of breaking. He was about to take back his words. He needed to. “You don-”
“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, also very softly. “I don’t-”
No. No. No.
“I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
Friends.
Who needed friends.
They were a waste of time. They were a complication. They were annoying.
Who needed friends.
Who needed to invite someone to sleep at their house, who needed to wake up in the middle of the night by the other tripping with a chair on the way to the bathroom.
Who needed to buy gifts on birthdays.
Who needed to share his fries.
Who needed to comfort another.
Who needed to be comforted.
Who needed to be confronted.
Who needed friends.
Tsukishima had never wanted friends.
So it was time to give up on this too. Oh well.
Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi, whose whole body was shaking. He had gotten better at holding the tears in.
Had it not been for that, Tsukishima may have let his bitterness win over.
“Why?” Tsukishima insisted.
Yamaguchi gritted his teeth. “Tsukish-”
“Don’t you dare. ” Tsukishima interrupted, because he was not strong enough for that. “If you want to hurt me, break my fingers.”
“What the f-? No!”
“Then I’m staying, you heard me.”
And then, Yamaguchi hiccuped a bit. “Why do you care this much?!”
“Because it’s you.”
Because I lov-
“Stop it!!” Yamaguchi shrieked, hugging himself, and then holding his head, shaking it frantically. “Stop, stop, stop!!”
Tsukishima blinked. “It’s just the truth…”
“No! Not… not you. But…” Yamaguchi tugged on his own hair.
Tsukishima waited for him to explain. He never did. “Yamaguchi?”
Am I going crazy ?
Tsukishima frowned. “Yamaguchi.”
Yamaguchi broke down crying.
I don’t want this, I don’t want this.
Tsukishima stepped into the house, finally, closing the door behind him.
He sighed.
“I didn’t come here because I was angry. Not really.”
Yamaguchi just kept crying and shaking his head.
Tsukishima still knew he was listening. He leaned on the door and took a deep breath. “I came here because… I felt like I was going crazy.”
Yamaguchi’s crying stopped for a second.
Tsukishima felt he was onto something. “I mean, I kept thinking you were a liar but…”
Yamaguchi resumed crying.
“Are you angry at yourself?” Tsukishima asked, following a strange intuition.
Yamaguchi looked at him. Then nodded.
“Because you lied to me?”
Another nod. Then, Yamaguchi opened his mouth. He closed it after.
“Why did you feel you had to?”
Despite the silence that followed his question, Tsukishima did not insist. The same intuition told him that Yamaguchi just needed to compose himself.
Yamaguchi finally exhaled slowly. “I just… my thoughts-”
Tsukishima blinked. Thoughts?
And then Yamaguchi shook his head. “No, it just sounds-”
“I don’t care if it sounds stupid. Or even insane. Just… tell me.”
Yamaguchi’s tears fell as he bit his lower lip. “It’s like I’m hearing things. When I’m with you.”
That… did not make sense. Except-
“What do you hear?” Tsukishima replied, straightening up.
Yamaguchi hesitated, his face growing strangely less pale. “Uh-”
“Please. Are they bad things?”
Yamaguchi shook his head. “No, they are not. It’s like… It’s actually… pretty good.”
Tsukishima bit his tongue. Oh no. Oh no. Not this. Not this suspicion again. There was only one way to prove it.
It meant speaking the unspeakable.
He did not want to. He had never had to. It was not part of them. A companion in the silence. It was not what they did.
Yamaguchi resumed crying.
Tsukishima wanted the crying to stop, though. And saying the unsaid seemed the only way.
Intense moments.
“Yamaguchi… have you been hearing something like… that I’m-” he paused “that I’m in love with you?”
Yamaguchi looked up so quickly that Tsukishima did not need an answer.
And, really, he did not get it, because as soon as Yamaguchi followed with “H-how did you-?”, Tsukishima laughed, tiredly.
“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, clearly terrified.
“Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima muttered. “That’s my fault.”
Yamaguchi blinked. “Why would it-?”
“Because I am.”
Silence.
“No,” Yamaguchi whispered, then. “No, no, that can’t-”
“I am in love with you.”
Said.
“As a matter of fact, I think you are my soulmate.”
Spoken.
Yamaguchi had always, always loved Tsukishima. How could he not? He had had his crushes on the side, but ultimately they had meant nothing.
But he knew that it was not meant to be. Easy as that. If it were, it would have happened by now.
So he had resigned himself to keep it quiet forever. He had prepared himself to be genuinely happy for Tsukishima once he found his soulmate.
And he had prepared himself to try to love his own soulmate at least a little.
“Prematurely formed bounds have been proven to be unreliable and fragile,” in every book, in so many essays. Tsukishima had been so scared of it affecting him that he never wanted to think of what it meant.
But certainly there was nothing fragile about Yamaguchi when he looked up at Tsukishima, a new light of understanding on his eyes. When he basically threw himself into Tsukishima’s arms, there was nothing unreliable about the way Tsukishima hugged him like he had wanted to do for so long, clinging to him as if he could, would never let him go.
Tsukishima looked down at Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi looked up at him. They stayed like that for a while.
Yamaguchi laughed, softly, then. “Are you trying to tell me something, right now? With your mind? ” he teased, then sniffled.
“I was thinking that I wanted to kiss you,” he admitted. “But now I changed my mind.”
Yamaguchi laughed. “Why? I’m offended.”
“You’ve got snot on your nose. Probably don’t want that involved in my first kiss. Or any, for that matter.”
Yamaguchi smacked his arm playfully. “Fine, but I’m kissing the heck out of you afterwards.”
“I’m not opposed to that.”
They read, in a few places, that bonds could be trained, strengthened.
“I think we know of some people that could help us,” Yamaguchi said, humming.
“Hm?” Tsukishima asked. “I mean, basically the problem is that I’m not that ‘intense’, isn’t it?”
“Neither is-”
Before he spoke, Tsukishima realized what he meant. “Oh no. Fuck no.”
“Kageyama,” Yamaguchi finished, with a playful grin.
“I hate you.”
“You don’t.”
“I’ll consider it. But I don’t see why we would want to hear more of each other thoughts. It freaked us out at first, for starters. Also, our problem was relying too much on that, wasn’t it?”
“Your problem.”
“Fine, my problem. But the point still stands.”
Yamaguchi hummed. “I just think it might help us control it. I mean, they must know how to shut it out, right? Otherwise, Kageyama wouldn’t be able to have his own though- Don’t say it!”
“Does he? Have his own thoughts?” Tsukishima added, with a grin.
“Tsukki!”
The freak duo enjoyed being asked for help way too much. But Tsukishima had to -reluctantly- admit it helped eventually.
Some things need to be said.
“Tsukki, you don’t have to ask,” Yamaguchi said, grinning down at his boyfriend.
“Humor me. After all, I did the whole getting down on one knee.”
“I’m surprised you did, honestly. Who helpe-”
“A mixture of Bokuto, Kuroo, Hinata, Akiteru and Akaashi.”
Yamaguchi whistled. “That’s a lot of people.”
“I wanted it to go well.”
“I guess I’m not helping with that.”
“Not a lot. Can you answer? The ground is cold.”
“Of course, Tsukki. Of course I will.”
Some things are just nice to hear.