Chapter Text
Jisung strolled into the library with the nonchalance that only comes with having completed all of your hardest exams. Theoretically he could be hanging out at his apartment, since he didn’t really need to study for his last two exams, but he arrived at the BCR in the evening for his shift of guarding the room with a smile. Hyunjin and Seungmin’s shift was winding down, 7a.m. just around the corner, and they reached out for the drinks that jsiung brought within him with eager hands. Jisung handed a mocha (extra whipped cream) for Seungmin and a chai latte for Hyunjin, (extra cinnamon on top). Seungmin left the two alone, mumbling about communication theory like a mantra in preparation for his next exam, and Hyunjin was nearing the delirious side of tired as Jisung plopped down on the cushion next to him. He tucked his legs tucked under his body and sipped on an iced americano, settling into the blue couch with a satisfied huff. To him, everything seemed to be in normal order as Hyunjin turned to him.
“Why do you look so excited?” he asked, taking in Hyunjin’s smile.
“I have something to show you.”
“Can it wait until after you’ve had your coffee?” Jisung asked. “You look like you could fall asleep any second, at least get some caffeine in there to make it through the conversation.”
Hyunjin laughed, but complied by draining his latte. He might have burned his tongue a little bit, and Jisung looked a little concerned at the wild look in his eyes, but he was smiling so wide that he seemed to just accept it.
“Okay,” Hyunjin said, tossing the empty cup into the trash. “You remember when you said you wished you could have been a part of the research study to the end?”
Jisung looked up, surprised. “Yeah?”
“Well, I turned in our final copy today,” he said.
“Oh, you guys finished it?”
“We did,” he said. “You weren’t in the official final draft of The Study of Heartbreak , of course, but I wrote up another report that I think you might be interested in.”
Jisung tilted his head, waiting, as Hyunjin reached down into his bag. He handed over a small folder, the papers inside still warm from the printer, and practically vibrated with excitement. Jisung looked at him with amusement, opening the folder to find an official-looking report typed up.
The Study of Han Jisung
The first few pages were a review of their relationship. From those first days noticing each other in the dim hallways of their high school until that first kiss on Hyunjin’s front doorstep, it highlighted all of their adventures together (Hyunjin paid special attention to describing their communication style, the researcher in him coming through so strongly that Jisung chuckled a bit). Jisung followed the sentences with his finger so Hyunjin could read along with him, smiling when he paused at the description of their slow dance together at prom.
“You know I still listen to that song?” Jisung asked.
Hyunjin looked up, surprised. “You remember it?”
“Of course,” he said. “I made a playlist of all the songs that reminded me of you, back then, and I still listen to it.”
“That’s so embarrassing, you like me so much.”
Jisung shoved him, laughed spilling out of him like confetti. He lifted the papers back up, opening to the second section. The second chapter talked about how heartbreak had changed them both. Jisung had always thought that he couldn’t give Hyunjin what he needed, so he made the decision to quit before the fight was even over. Hyunjin had assumed Jisung was seeing someone else, easily accepted the idea that Jisung never really loved him without ever stopping to ask any questions. They both had so little faith in one another, Hyunjin wrote, that their love wasn’t enough to keep them together. They both needed time to grow and become whole by themselves before they could ever support one another. Jisung nodded as he read, eyebrows furrowed as he read words that he’d felt but not always been able to articulate, and Hyunjin gave his side a squeeze. It was so much easier to read about heartbreak when you had the person you loved there with you again.
The third section detailed how they came back together.
“Maybe I’m biased,” Hyunjin said. “But this is my favorite chapter.”
Hyunjin wrote about that first day, what it felt like to see him again sitting there in the campus library, and how he slowly came to terms with the fact that Jisung wasn’t the evil caricature he had created in his head. He wrote about how it was like they were meeting again as strangers.
“I had been looking for you on campus, you know,” Jisung said softly. “But when I finally saw you again… it was like the first time all over again.”
Hyunjin wrote and wrote and wrote, about how he slowly started to see Jisung for who he really was. Jisung, brave and kind, with his too-loud laugh and own brand of humor, had captivated him all over again. They slowly fell back into each other's orbit, hesitantly, as though any sudden movement might tear a black hole into their fragile friendship. Eventually Jisung was ready to be vulnerable and open up the broken parts of himself that he sometimes hated. Eventually Hyunjin, sensitive and loyal, was finally ready to see the best in others because he believed the best about himself. Together, Hyunjin wrote, they could be anything that they wanted, as long as they were strong enough to communicate and be honest.
The final section was simply labeled “ Future Research ”. Jisung settled the papers into a tidy pile, tucking them back inside the folder. He shut the cover gingerly, turning so that Hyunjin had his full attention.
“And what is this section for?” Jisung asked with a small smile.
“For all the memories we still have to make,” Hyunjin said, standing up. “All the things we still have to learn about each other.”
“What are you saying?” Jisung said.
“I’m saying that this version could never be published.”
Jisung wiggled his eyebrows. “Because it’s researcher bias, since you’re dating me?”
“Because I’m in love with you.”
Jisung’s head jerked up, eyes wide. Any semblance of joking was wiped from his face in an instant and Hyunjin thought that maybe he should be a little offended that he looked so surprised, but then he remembered how nervous he was to say it out loud and he found that he was a bit surprised he was being so brave, too. Leave it to Jisung to inspire the best parts of him.
“Last year, you said that you weren’t sure what kind of bridge we would have,” Hyunjin said. “But I do. We have love- it’s the one thing in this insane, beautiful, unfair, extravagant world that can bridge the gap to reach anyone. No matter where you are in the world, I will build a bridge to you. I don’t care if it’s made of rickety boards or strong steel, I promise that I will always reach down, rebuilding it brick by smoldering brick, until I’ve created a way back to you.”
Jisung looked at him with stars in his eyes but made no motion to move closer, so Hyunjin continued.
“The things you’ve had to go through by yourself aren’t fair,” he said. “And I promise, I will never let you go through this by yourself again. Not because you’re not capable- you absolutely are. You’re so fucking strong, in ways you never should have had to be, and you have dealt with some of the worst pains of this life with grace and humility and I can’t believe that I’m the person that you’ve allowed to love you.”
He wasn’t sure when Jisung had gotten up, but suddenly he was there. He was in his lap, in his arms, pulling him close and kissing him hard. Hyunjin could feel a lump growing in his throat, worried that if he tried to keep talking he might actually start crying, so he just pulled Jisung closer to his chest. He kissed him back softly at first, trying to make him feel how desperately in love with him he really was, but Jisung was already pulling back to say something.
“Hyunjin,” he said with a shaky voice. “If going through all of this with my dad has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes you have to build your own path to get where you want to go. I used to think that we had burned our bridge way past something we could put back together, but I would have spent all of my days on my hands and knees, building it back together with blistering palms and bloody fingers if it meant that I could find you again. I think I was always meant to come back to you.”
“Let me meet you in the middle.”
Jisung crashed into him, lips rough from biting them all day, but Hyunjin thought they were the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted. He kissed him, over and over, and time slipped away from both of them as they lost themselves in each other. It was way too early in the day to be kissing like this, and Hyunjin hadn’t slept in over 24 hours (Jeongin would later tell him that he looked like a rabid raccoon), but he couldn’t help but think that this was his favorite day out of the ones he had spent by Jisung’s side. Years of knowing Jisung had taught him to anticipate his every move, every word, but it still thrilled him when he leaned back and finally said the words.
“You know I love you more than anything, right?” Jisung whispered. “I always have, and I always will.”
“Love is a big word,” Hyunjin said, pulling his boyfriend into his arms. “But I don’t know of any other way to describe how I feel about you.”
“I don’t know what the future is going to look like,” Jisung said. “And I don’t think it’s going to be easy like when we were kids. But I know that I want you there with me for whatever it is, the good and the bad and the ugly. I want you to stay. I want you to be mine again.”
Hyunjin nodded, leaning in to kiss the top of his head.
“I don’t need an easy love, Ji,” he said. “I just need you.”
They would stay up talking that night, going over the “report” that Hyunjin had prepared with laughter and so many kisses that their lips grew swollen. For now, though, Jisung leaned back to look him in the eye with a playful smile on his face as he leaned in to kiss the mole under Hyunjin’s eye.
“I love you,” he said once more, so softly that he may not have even needed Hyunjin to respond.
✩ ✩ ✩
Midway through the hottest summer in recent memory, Hyunjin woke up to an unfamiliar weight on his chest and the sensation of hair in his mouth. For a moment he thought maybe Jisung had rolled over in his sleep, reached out for skinship even as he dreamed, but then he felt a claw dig into the side of his cheek as he leaned up and he realized- Smudge had fallen asleep on his face.
He heard laughing coming from the other side of the bed, then the sound of a camera shutter.
“Sorry baby, it was just so cute I couldn’t stop him.”
A loud meow vibrated right above his left eye, and Hyunjin sputtered until Smudge rolled off his face. By the time he finally got the last bits of fur off his lip he was fully awake, turning over to find Jisung lying on his side with his phone in hand. He shifted so that Hyunjin could see the screen- a photo of Hyunjin asleep, Smudge snoring on his head. He begrudgingly admitted that it was, in fact, really cute.
The summer had been everything he could have hoped for before going into his senior year. He held onto the moments like they were little treasures: movie nights with Chan and Minho, eating bar nachos at Hawk House with Changbin and Seungmin, Games and Ghouls marathons with Felix and Jeongin. They each ended the same- climbing into bed next to Jisung, with Hyunjin tucked in properly on the left side. He and Jisung had both stayed in town, and although they often took weekends home to visit Hyunjin’s family, they had yet to visit Jisung’s parents together.
“You ready for today?”
Jisung’s smile faltered a bit, but didn’t fully leave his face. He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Mom’s been texting me all morning, she says Dad changed his shirt three times.”
Hyunjin laughed. “They already know me!”
“I know,” Jisung rolled his eyes. “But you know him. He hasn’t actually seen you in person in almost three years, and he always wants to make a good impression. He knows how important you are to me.”
Hyunjin reached out, pulling Jisung into his side. “Well, tell them that I’ve made up my mind, and even if he wears the ugliest shirt in the history of man, he’s going to be stuck with me for the foreseeable future.”
Jisung blushed, but looked pleased. When he had first proposed the idea of having dinner with his parents, Hyunjin had jumped at the chance. He was admittedly a little worried that they’d be angry with him for disappearing from their son’s life, but Jisung assured him that they understood. They of all people understood how hard the situation had been.
There was a certain vulnerability that clung to Jisung whenever he talked about his family, like a fading cologne on an old shirt. Hyunjin was worried that he might say the wrong thing, might break whatever foundation they had built back up, but then Jisung would intertwine their fingers and tell him the details of his dad’s latest scan and he’d remember that they were a team. It had been such a painful road for the both of them, each dealing with a specific kind of grief that had to be carried alone, but now that they had each other again the burden felt so much lighter. They could get through anything if they faced it together.
The first month of summer was a blur of concerts and cheap wine and impulse tattoos. They spent a sticky July evening at a festival, a few of the bands they both liked were playing sets late into the night, and the headrush of live music had carried them through some hard days later on. Hyunjin had sat with Jisung on Zoom appointments with his dad’s oncologist and learned all the complicated jargon. He’d held his boyfriend’s hand on the hard days and his hips on the good ones, and so far things were still going as well as they could have hoped for. He wondered how he had carried all of this alone and felt, not for the first time, that he was lucky to know somebody as strong as his partner.
There was still so much to discover about one another, he knew, but Hyunjin was sure that Jisung was the only person he would ever love in the same way that he knew that grass was green and gravity would always pull us back down to Earth. He saw it, he felt it, every day in such a palpable way that sometimes he couldn’t help but laugh. Jisung liked to joke that his boyfriend was a bit off his rocker, but when Hyunjin wanted to dance around the kitchen with the glow of Jisung’s twinkle lights around them, he never said no. Jisung always took the hand that was reached out toward him, pulling him toward a future he could believe in.
Jisung stretched, pulling Hyunjin out of bed with him. Smudge sauntered over to his usual spot by the window, surveying his kingdom. His collar jingled, his ID tag now dangling next to a tiny plant charm that Hyunjin had found at a farmer’s market sometime in May. Jisung let out a long yawn as he rose from bed.
“Do you want me to put a pot of coffee on?” Hyunjin asked.
Jisung whipped around, lighting fast, to grab his face with both hands. “I love you.”
“I take it, that's a yes,” Hyunjin laughed, swatting his hands away.
“Always,” Jisung said, opening his dresser drawer. He shifted through a few pairs of jeans before he found the pair he was looking for, the dark wash ones that Hyunjin liked to joke were his emo boy pants.
“Do you want to stop by the house on our way out so you can water the babies?”
“Of course!”
Hyunin grinned. Jisung had grown attached to his collection of houseplants, if not even more than Hyunjin was, and he was always excited about an opportunity to take the tiny brass mister off the shelf and give the tropical plants a little spritz. He felt a strange sort of pull in his chest every time Jisung let him ramble on about his latest plant (a calathea white fusion that he named Jessa), and he wondered if Jisung felt it, too, when Hyunjin sat on the handlebars of his bike as the rode along the riverside in the afternoon. He always double-checked Hyunjin’s helmet, giving it an extra tug before letting him jump on, and Hyunjin could almost see the fondness in his eyes when Hyunjin had presented him with a Hawk House sticker to add to his helmet’s collection.
They still had so much to explore about one another, he knew, but he found the idea exciting rather than overwhelming. Hyunjin often wondered when they had grown up, when they had started to get excited about things like strawberries being on sale at the grocery store, but then Jisung would propose a midnight picnic at the kissing rock complete with a tub of edible cookie dough and Hyunjin would fall in love with him all over again.
Jisung pulled his shirt on with one swift motion then walked to the kitchen to give him a sweet kiss on the shoulder, grabbing the cup of coffee he was offering. As they sat down at the table together Hyunjin thought of Joy, the little plant in his window, and the small bloom of a flower that he had discovered yesterday morning. She had grown a lot in the almost-year that he’d had her, and it still made him smile to remember how Jisung had offered her to him like a tiny peace offering. When they were young, they had loved each other recklessly. He thought the sky was the limit, back then, driving around their hometown as the hours crept toward their curfews. He knew now that it wasn’t true because they were so far beyond the sky, blasting past the horizon into space. Surrounded by stars and the blend of colors in the Milky Way, he often grasped for purchase on anything that could confirm that this was all really happening- waking up in the arms of the boy he loved. He wished he could go back in time and tell himself: it’s all going to be okay. You’re going to find each other again, building a bridge out of memories and forgiveness and pure, ferocious love. More importantly, you’re going to find yourself.
Everything in Hyunjin’s life might not be perfect, but it was beautiful in a way that he couldn’t have anticipated for himself. After all, the world has all kinds of bridges- Hyunjin felt lucky that they had built this one together.