run, run, lost boys

by sunoossideup

Chapter 6: neverland

The first time Sunghoon met his grandfather, it was at a quaint cafe tucked in a street near the Kim’s. His hands felt clammy and cold, his knees bouncing with nerves as he sat in front of the old man. And despite their clear resemblance to each other, Sunghoon still painted a picture of uncertainty. 

Sunoo himself had sat two tables away, curious as he subtly tried to eavesdrop. He’s here for moral support but he’s just as invested with the proceedings. After all, it’s hard not to be when Sunghoon couldn’t sleep last night and ended up staying in his room. The two of them are more than comfortable with the idea of sharing the same space, their presence a mutual comfort to each other.

Sunghoon’s grandfather had stared at his grandson like he couldn’t believe he’s real. His eyes glistened, light brown and he seemed to have seen everything. No parent should ever have to bury their children, and after losing his son, he never thought that life would be worth living again. 

His face is timeworn and wrinkled, his hair a clean cut with salt and pepper strands. When Sunoo last saw him at the courthouse, he didn’t want to show that he felt sorry for him, mainly because he probably wouldn’t want him to.

But after Sunghoon introduced himself, Sunoo saw how the old man’s demeanor brightened and genuine happiness broke out of him. It’s like seeing a new person. He smiled and there were a lot of megawatts in it. It totally transformed his face and the years dropped away from his face. His eyes shone bright and his teeth gleamed like piano keys. Although his voice trembled when he said hello, it was apparent then that he hadn’t given up completely on life.

Not anymore.

“You look a lot like your father.”

Upon hearing this, Sunghoon perked up and his grandfather's smile grew even wider. “But you have your mother’s eyes.”

Sunghoon had blinked and looked away, his throat closing up as a warm feeling spread across his chest. He didn’t want to reply, out of fear that his voice could crack. That was the first time someone said something like that to him - as if they really knew him, not as an orphan who was left behind, but just as Park Sunghoon, his parents’ son.

They met again for the next couple of days, just talking and trying to get used to each other, mending a connection that had been lost to time. Sunoo was more than happy to tag along since Sunghoon still doesn’t know the city well enough to navigate on his own. Of course, Sunghoon’s grandfather can just pick up or drop him off, but Sunghoon himself wanted Sunoo to accompany him. 

There was a time when Sunghoon was used to doing things on his own, a convenient preference when you’re living hundreds of miles away from the nearest civilization, his closest companions being a dog and reindeer, and the occasional foxes that come out of the woods on warmer days. 

There is solitude in nature that is healing, a balm for a mind that is brimming with questions. Sunghoon has a curiosity he can’t help carrying, like walking along the same path over and over again, his footprints appearing and fading with every turn of the weather. As he grew older, he learned to make peace with his predicament, opting to be grateful to have been adopted by people who treat him kindly, thinking that it would be selfish to wish for more. And he would have stayed like that for a longer time, drifting in one place until fate decided to turn the tide and wash him onto a shore of serendipity.

Onto an island in the shape of a boy.

“Remember, this is my number. You can call me anytime you want, hyung,” Sunoo tells him seriously and just like the first five times, Sunghoon nods, patient as a saint. “Even if it’s midnight.”

“I’ll call you too,” Sunoo continues, triple checking his number on Sunghoon’s new phone. “Or I can message you everyday, in case you get bored, which I highly doubt by the way since Hal-abeoji will be too busy showing you off to everyone. He must be over the moon.” He frowns unconsciously. “Wait, you must tell your grandpa if it gets too much, okay?” 

Sunghoon nods again, the corner of his lips curling in amusement.

“Alright, it doesn’t look like you forgot anything,” Sunoo says after inspecting the contents of Sunghoon’s bag, similar to a parent who’s about to send their child on their first trip. “Take care, okay?”

His grandfather is indeed ecstatic when he agreed to go to Busan. Upon hearing the news, Sunoo is probably more excited than he is, jumping up and down, screaming and cheering so loudly that one would think he won the lottery. This is what he wanted in the first place, to reunite Sunghoon with his family and have him live the life that he missed.

Sunoo tends to talk a lot when he’s nervous and even more so when he’s worried. It’s only seven in the morning, too early for anything except staying in bed as far as Sunoo is concerned, but Sunghoon is an early riser, has always been, his body clock trained for years of doing morning chores, even when he’s now in Seoul and none of it is necessary any longer. The moment Sunghoon wakes up, Sunoo does too, his ears picking up the movements from the next room because Sunghoon still walks like he’s trudging on snow, banging into the nearest furniture whenever he’s half-asleep.

The two of them stand at the porch, a medium-sized duffel bag filled with clothes lying on the steps as they wait for Sunghoon’s ride to arrive. 

“You should come with me. If you are worried,” Sunghoon suggests, not missing the way Sunoo’s expression morphs into childish sulkiness. And then the younger sighs, forcing a bit of tension to leave his shoulders. 

“I’m not that worried,” Sunoo replies, his body language easily betraying his words. “And besides, your family wants to spend time with you. I know how important that is.”

Sunghoon does think that’s important, although he doesn’t really mind if Sunoo tags along. It's not the first time he asked, but Sunoo always turned down the offer.

After a while, they spot a familiar car from the distance and Sunghoon is about to lift his arm when feels Sunoo press an object against his side. 

“Here,” he says, “I, uhm. I like this story and... it’s easy to read.” He shrugs. “I thought you could practice while you’re there?” Sunoo pushes the object again, so Sunghoon takes it from his hand. It’s a book with a blue cover, the front showing an illustration of a yellow haired girl and a boy in green clothes flying together in the sky. Sunghoon eyes it curiously and reads the big letters above the figures. 

“Peter Pan?” 

Noticing how Sunghoon didn't even stutter, Sunoo grins. “Your Korean is getting better,” he praises, and it earns him a sheepish smile. 

“Thank you.” Sunghoon unconsciously scratches the tip of his nose. “I will read it,” he says, holding the book carefully.

The car eventually arrives and from the window, Sunoo sees Mr. Park nodding and mouthing a Good morning to his direction. He bows to him in greeting as Sunghoon grabs his bag from the ground and walks towards the backseat door. 

Sunoo watches closely as Sunghoon gets in the car, a lot more comfortably than the first time he has to ride one. The simple difference makes him misty-eyed, and he shakes the feeling off before the older notices. He’s been a little worried ever since Sunghoon told him that he would like to try and stay with his family. The signs are in the small things and seeing him slowly getting accustomed to this life… It lifts a weight on Sunoo’s heart. Looks like Sunghoon is going to be alright after all.

Upon closing the door, Sunghoon turns to him from the car window and Sunoo waves enthusiastically.

“Have fun, hyung!”  

Sunghoon waves back, lips stretched into a tiny smile as if to say I’ll be back!

The car beeps before it drives away, taking Sunghoon to the train station and then to Busan, where he will stay for a week. Sunoo watches until the car turns a corner and disappears from his sight. He’s idle for a while and just stands there, the morning breeze finally sinking in his bones after having nothing to pay attention to. He shivers from the cold. He hops back into the house and relishes at the warmth that embraces him the moment he shuts the door.

There’s a sound coming from the kitchen so lets his feet take him there and sees his mother in her office attire making coffee. She probably has to leave soon.

“‘Morning, mom,” Sunoo greets and sits across from her in the kitchen island. His mother hums in response and wordlessly slides a cup in front of him. Hot chocolate with marshmallows.

“All good?” Mrs. Kim drops a cube of sugar in her cup and stirs.

Sunoo takes a sip before answering, smacking his lips afterwards. It’s very sweet, just the way he likes it.  “Yeah. His grandpa fetched him.”

She nods. “I hope everything goes well.” She’s still gazing at his son, observing. Sunoo is clearly unaware of the frown he’s wearing. She puts his cup down with a clink. “Sunghoon’s a good kid. I know I was a little paranoid after you came back, but if you told me you wanted to go with him, I would’ve let you.”

Sunoo breathes out and he shakes his head, piquing his mother’s interest. “It’s best if he goes without me. There are things he has to face alone, too. I think.”

His words catch her off guard. “Oh, sweetie.” She chuckles. “Since when did you grow up?”

He glares at her, not missing a beat, “I am plenty grown up, thank you very much.”

She snorts and reaches over to wipe some hot chocolate foam from his upper lip. Sunoo doesn’t even make a move to avoid it. 

“It hasn’t been a minute and you’re already sulking? Should we call Sunghoonie back?”

“Mom!” 

Mrs. Kim withdraws her hand and fixes him with a knowing smirk.

“Please, Sunoo. I’m not blind. I know my son better than anyone.”

Sunoo grimaces because it’s the truth. His mother is too smart for her own good; mix that with a personality that is just as stubborn as he is, and you’ll get an overbearing parent who’s not embarrassed to put their finger in any type of pie. 

“Very polite. And very handsome,” she smartly adds. “You lucked out.”

Sunoo wants to bang his head on the table. “Don’t you need to go now?” He whines. “It’s too early for this.” Sunoo picks up his mug, fully intending to bring it up to his room and get more sleep instead of enduring this slander. 

“Sunoo-yah,” his mom suddenly calls which made Sunoo turn and lock eyes with her, the teasing tone now gone and replaced with a seriousness that she rarely wears around her family. She silently looks at him for a few seconds, gauging his reaction, and Sunoo knows exactly what this means. He fidgets under her stare.

“I’m proud of you, you know that, right?” It’s almost painful how earnest her voice is. “Not just for what you did for Sunghoon, but for growing up into such an amazing person,” she tells him, making Sunoo self-conscious. He wants to tug his hair in embarrassment. He thought that‘s the end of it, and he’s about to take another step until his mother spoke again.

“When you were young, you had to go in and out of the hospital so often. And I was worried that,” she hesitates, “well, that it would affect your mental health. Or change how you see life. Apart from losing you, that’s one of my biggest fears as your mother.”

Her voice gets a little strained, but she continues, “Us parents can only give good advice or put you on the right path, but this? This is all on you.” She then smiles softly at him, all warm and loving. “Your goodness and courage. Your empathy,” she says, the corner of her eyes shimmery. “Those can only be molded with your own hands, Sunoo-yah.”

Sometimes, Sunoo looks at his mom, sees an accomplished, well put-together person, and shrinks with trepidation. Because of what they went through as a family, there’s a small part of him that worries about failing to be successful and not living up to the expectation of being a son who can at least be half as good as her, not because that’s what she wishes for - no. Never. Perhaps her selflessness and the love Sunoo receives has made him wish to become someone she can be proud of. 

Sunoo knew his childhood had not been easy, especially for his parents. He had caused them a lot of worry. Aplastic anemia. It’s a condition that occurs when a person’s body stops producing enough new blood cells, making them prone to infections, fatigue and excessive bleeding. At nine years old, it’s a good thing he was diagnosed early and received proper treatment. He needed a bone marrow transplant, and fortunately, his older sister is a matching donor. 

The procedure required a lengthy hospital stay so Sunoo had to constantly miss school, therefore missing out a lot on his younger years. Having anemia weakened his immune system, which left him more susceptible to a lot of other sickness. Not being able to go out, his childhood was a blur of painkillers and hospital beds that were never comfortable. His condition only got better after the surgery and as he grew older, his body gradually accepted the transplant and was able to produce stronger blood cells, which then helped him live the normal life he has now. 

At thirteen, Sunoo made a full recovery. If you look at him now, you wouldn’t even think that he used to be bedridden. It’s nothing short of a miracle and Sunoo knows he’s been lucky, way luckier than most. This is why his friends are often protective of him, too. 

Being such a grim part of his life, Sunoo never liked talking about it. In a way, this is one of the reasons why he feels so strongly for Sunghoon and wanted to help him. Everybody deserves a chance to live the best version of their lives. It doesn’t matter how many years you already missed, as long as you get to live the rest of it on your own terms. It will take effort. It will take time. But Sunoo knows better than anyone else that if you have people who believe in you, who will go to great lengths for you, then you already have more to gain than lose.

Sunoo tightens his grip around the mug and plasters an unaffected expression. His mom will know anyway, no matter how hard he hides it. “I know, Mom. Thanks,” he replies casually, “but did you just quote Anne Frank with me?”

The laughter he receives is more than enough to break the sombre spell and they beam at each other easily, her mother seemingly done feeling philosophical. He continues walking upstairs with a spring in his steps, the worry he has over Sunghoon diminishing a little.

 

---

 

Day one of not having Sunghoon around isn’t as lonely as Sunoo thought it would be. The older texted him when he arrived in Busan, sending him a blurry picture of the sky dotted with clouds. 

> Hoonie-hyung ♥
> [Image Attached]
> Sunoo-yah. I am here.

He types similarly to how he speaks and it’s very endearing. His grandparents bought Sunghoon the phone so they could stay in touch better and Sunoo made it his responsibility to teach him how to operate it. Even if he doesn’t expect Sunghoon to know everything right away, he should be able to use the basic functions: the internet, calling, messaging and of course, taking pictures.

> Kim Sunoo
> Ah hyung!! Hello!!
> That’s a nice photo! 😍
> I’m glad you arrived safely! 😚
> Say hello to your grandpa for me! 😄

> Hoonie-hyung ♥
> Yes. He said. Hello too.
> Have to go now. I will message later.
> Goodbye.

> Kim Sunoo
> Okay!! Have fun!! 🎉

The following days aren’t any different; school is starting in a month, so Sunoo takes this time to make the necessary arrangements and drops by his high school. Even though they haven’t gotten that far into planning, he wishes Sunghoon can attend the same school as them. He doesn’t even know if Sunghoon will stay here permanently and even if he decides to, maybe he’ll settle in Busan where most of his relatives are living.

Sunoo doesn’t want to think about what that will mean for him and then berates himself for even having a thought like that. Sure, he did help Sunghoon to reunite with his birth family but that doesn’t mean Sunghoon has to always spend time with him. There is a much bigger picture to consider here, a picture that might not include Sunoo in the end.

Heesung drops by at some point and asks him to hang out, claiming that Sunghoon has been monopolizing all of his time lately so now is the only chance they get to catch up.

“You’re so dramatic,” Sunoo comments even as he gets inside Heeseung’s car and fastens his seatbelt. “You know you can visit even with Sunghoon-hyung around, right?”

Heeseung rolls his eyes, “Like I would voluntarily be the third wheel,” he says, “I get plenty of that with Jay and Jungwon already.”

At the remark, Sunoo freezes in his seat. The older notices this and just laughs. “You don’t have to walk on eggshells with me, Sunoo-yah. Jay is my friend first before anything. And Wonie is my brother. I’m genuinely happy for them.”

Sunoo may not totally buy it but he respects Heeseung’s wishes and tries not to be awkward the next time all of them go out.

By the fifth night, Sunghoon calls him, around ten in the evening, just when Sunoo is getting ready for bed. 

“Hyung!” He answers right away, heart thrumming as he hears the familiar voice. “Wait, switch to video. I want to see you. Uh… just press the green butto— yup, there we go.” The screen shows Sunghoon blinking confusedly at the camera, the phone held a bit too high, which displayed a wall of old band posters and photos of snowy mountain tops behind him. Sunoo smiles widely. “Hi.”

At the voice, Sunghoon jumps a bit but upon realizing that it’s just Sunoo, he moves the phone closer to his face and the close-up angle should have been unflattering on anyone else. But this is Sunghoon, Sunoo doesn’t think that kind of mortal problem applies to him.

“Hello,” Sunghoon finally speaks. “Can you hear me? Sunoo?” He seems to be alone in the room, sitting on a big bed.

“Yeah, ‘can hear you,” he replies, still smiling. He just can’t stop himself.

One time, he was hanging out with Jay and Jake when Sunghoon sent him a message. He whipped his phone out so fast it almost flew away. Jay called him a simp, but Sunoo was too distracted to even throw a clapback. Jake, on the other hand, was simply relieved that his friend seemed a lot happier these days.

“So, how’s Busan?”

Sunghoon thinks for a while, “Okay. It’s fun.”

“Oh?” Sunoo prompts, making himself comfortable in bed and props the phone against his pillow. He lays stomach down on the mattress. “Tell me about it.”

The older visibly lights up at the interest. “I have cousins,” he says, excited, a boyish grin on his face. “Little children. Very ah. Cute! Like puppies.” He obviously adores them already. Sunoo chuckles, deeming the descriptions very Sunghoon-like.

“A lot of people told me. I’m similar to. Father. But they are not that sad,” he remarks, almost in awe. It's a significant difference since Vyka always appeared sad when Sunghoon asked her for stories. The people here don't seem to mind talking about his late parents and recalling memories about the kind of people they were. They celebrate them so openly and Sunghoon could almost pretend that they are still around, breathing and living in the same space as everyone else. 

For outsiders, it might seem miserable that the house remains caught in the past, the ghost of the people who used to live there still holding an overwhelming presence with the living. Despite that, Sunghoon couldn’t blame his grandparents for holding onto pieces of a time bygone. Not when Sunghoon did the same. Not when he used to hold a candle in his heart and tried to keep it burning in the cold, kept looking for light in places that felt so dark.

There are so many pictures of them in his grandparents’ house, a whole wall of it in the living room where it’s easy to spot and even easier to get lost in. From missing front teeth and bruised knees when they were kids to being lanky, awkward teenagers, their teary high school and college graduations, it’s a lot to take in at a single glance. 

If you look further upwards, you’d see a batch of more recent photos, the biggest one being a portrait from their wedding day. The couple were elegantly dressed in traditional Hanbok, posing for the camera with smiles that could rival the sun. Sunghoon thought they’re beautiful and their memories are so… alive.

“You must have heard a lot of things about them,” Sunoo remarks, his chin now propped in the palm of his right hand. With the comment, Sunghoon recalls more anecdotes his relatives shared with him. 

“They grew up. Together,” he says.

“Aww, that’s so cute.” Sunoo giggles. “They’re childhood sweethearts!”

Sunghoon isn’t sure what that means but Sunoo sounds pleased, so it must be a good thing.

Although in jest, Soulmates is what his relatives have called them too. They burned brighter than anyone else, travelled around the world and ran into the unknown. His parents were free spirits… but bright lights, they tend to burn out fast.

“They told me a lot. And I—” Sunghoon presses his lips together. “It’s still weird. But. Not in a bad way,” he says honestly, “I feel closer to them.” 

His mom and dad had an entire life before him which he is a stranger to. It’s a pity that he never got to know them before they left this place. 

Sunoo on the screen smiles and Sunghoon misses him even when they're talking to each other. “I’m glad you went, hyung,” he tells him and the latter nods in agreement.

At one point, Sunghoon’s grandfather apologized to him. “This must be a lot for you,” he said, standing beside him as they looked over the wall of pictures. “I’m sorry you were alone for a long time, Sunghoon-ah.”  

He couldn’t respond right away. Because it’s true. Dead had been a new word for him to learn. He was lonely for a long time but Sunghoon was not the only one who lost their family that day. 

“It’s not your fault,” he replied eventually, his Korean articulating a little easier. “And I am sorry too.”

Sunghoon thinks this can be a closure for his grandfather. For their entire family. Similar to why he came to Korea in the first place. He hopes it closes the chapter that has been left open for so long in their book, so that they can finally start a new one.

“I think. I want to stay here. Longer,” he tells Sunoo, and the moment he says these words, he discreetly gauges the boy’s reaction. “Is it okay?”

“Oh.” There’s a pause. “Of course!” and then, “You don’t have to ask for permission, hyung,” Sunoo tells him like he’s being a silly child. And perhaps he is. “You can stay for as long as you want.” From the small screen, it’s hard to tell if Sunoo is telling the truth but asking it would mean that there is something wrong and Sunghoon really doesn’t intend to trouble him any more than he does.

Mrs. Kim probably didn’t mean to reveal it, but he once mentioned that Sunoo had a difficult childhood because of his health. Sunghoon has seen enough deaths caused by untreated diseases while living in the wild, so he isn’t naive to think that things were easy for Sunoo. Everyone has a cross to bear, most people’s are invincible but that doesn’t mean they aren’t heavy. 

Sunoo asks him more about his stay, so he tells him about the places he went to and the people he met. Of the things he liked doing. Of the wide Haeundae beach and the seagulls he fed by hand. He describes the popular Sealife Busan Aquarium that he wants to visit again, preferably with Sunoo next time. Sunghoon tries to recount his trips as detailed as he can, his words may still be accented but Sunoo notes that the boy’s vocabulary is definitely improving. By the end of it, an hour had already passed and it’s amusing how Sunoo tried to hide a yawn by rolling off his bed and then falling.

I want to see him, Sunghoon thinks even as he watches Sunoo climbing up back to the bed, hair now a bird’s nest and his cheeks are tinted pink. This thought is not new to Sunghoon since Sunoo has always taken up a big space in his mind, even when they’re apart. 

“Sunoo should sleep now,” he suggests, trying to sound strict and failing miserably. 

“I am not—” Sunoo quickly stifles a yawn and covers his mouth, eyes blown wide in surprise. So much for trying to hide it. “Sorry,” he whispers, sulky.  

The older just smiles warmly. “Late. Will call again. Tomorrow.”

The promise makes Sunoo beam. He begrudgingly hangs up first, and Sunghoon stares at the blank screen after the call ends. The phone dims and he see his own reflection on it. He’s not sleepy yet and decides to bring out the book Sunoo lent him and start reading.

 

---

 

A week turns into two. And then three.

And Sunoo tells himself that he’s glad Sunghoon wants to spend more time with his family.

On the fourth week, he tells himself that he’s fine with it, that even if their calls have grown shorter and sparser, and he misses Sunghoon more and more as the days pass by, he’s still going to be okay.

That everything will be okay.

Because it has to.

 

---

 

To say that Sunoo is surprised to find Jungwoon at his doorstep first thing in the morning would be an understatement. He’s still in his pajamas clutching his phone when he opens the door, only woken up after receiving a call from the boy saying that he’s already in front of his house.

Sunoo blinks at him, eyes still heavy with sleep. It’s a Sunday, and while Sunoo isn’t averse to having friends over, he also thinks that starting a weekend before noon is borderline criminal. 

“Jungwon…” He rubs his eyes, “What are you doing here?”

“Good morning, Sunoo-hyung. Get in the car, please.” Jungwon’s voice is loud and too lively for the time. 

Sunoo frowns. “The car?” His voice was muffled with an incoming yawn.

High-pitched horns were heard behind Jungwon, and Sunoo inclines his head to see what the fuss is about, belatedly realizing that Heeseung’s car is parked in their driveway all this time. The windows are down, and he can see Jay and Jake already in the backseat, the latter even waving at him innocently.

“Are we…” Sunoo starts, feeling more awake now. “Going somewhere?” He scrambles his head for a schedule he might have forgotten.

Sunoo knew he should have run when he had the chance, especially when Jungwon grins and his eyes glint with mischief. Without any warning, he grabs Sunoo’s hand and pulls him towards the vehicle. Sunoo is still in his house slippers but that didn’t stop Jungwon from cackling like a mad man as he drags him. 

“W-wait!” Sunoo briefly wonders if being kidnapped in broad daylight is a valid reason to scream murder, neighbor complaints be damned. “What’s happening??”

“Don’t worry, hyung! We already got permission from your parents.” He opens the car and not-so-gently pushes Sunoo inside, squeezing him in between Jay and Jake, as if they’re making sure he won’t escape.

Jungwon gets on the front seat and gives a thumbs up to his brother who’s driving before turning to a confused Sunoo. “We got your clothes in the trunk.” He sees what the older is holding. “Oh, that’s good. You brought your phone.” 

The car was already on the road when Sunoo gathered his wits. “What,” he hisses, “The. Hell?”

Jay laughs at his side, “Surprise~”

“Surprise?? This is a crime!! This is kidnapping. You abducted me!”

He can hear Heeseung giggling, and he throws daggers at the back of his head. But he’s driving so Sunoo doesn’t dare to physically harm him. For now, anyway.

“Happy birthday?” Jake tries from his right and the words don't register right away. Sunoo stares at them owlishly, his previous outburst halted.  

At the lack of response, Jay tsks. “I told you he forgot,” he sing-songs. That little shit.

“Do you even know what month it is, Sunoo-yah?” Heeseung asks, switching on the radio in low volume. A slow, bright song fills the car. 

Sunoo ignores him and hits Jay instead. The boy squacks. He can’t even move away since the seat is too cramped with three people.

“What now??” Jay rubs at the spot in his arm.

“Is this your idea? It is, isn’t it?!”

The blonde scoffs but doesn’t deny it. “So, what if it is? It's too late now! We’re on the freeway!”

Sunoo groans and whips his head around to look outside, just in time to see a passing road sign that says To Airport.

“WHY THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO THE AIRPORT?!”

Jake covers his ears but he’s smiling too. It’s not like they didn’t expect Sunoo to react like this. 

“Calm down, hyung!” Jungwon sounds way too amused. “Since it’s your birthday, we decided to take you somewhere nice!”

“If it isn’t back to the house, then I am not interested!”

Sunoo kind of wanted to throw himself off the car just to see their horrified faces, but he’s pretty sure Jay would actually find that cool. 

“I’m sure you’ll like this, Sunny. It’s only three days and two nights anyway.” Out of everyone here, Jake is probably the only person Sunoo deems sane, Heeseung too if he’s not behind the wheels, because that makes him a major catalyst to this plan. “Besides, we’re going back to school next week, might as well make the most of it.” 

Sunoo huffs. “Why can’t you just give me a gift like a normal person?” He crosses his arms. He hasn’t even brushed his teeth, this is ridiculous. “Seriously, where are we going?”

“Hmmm…” Jay runs a hand through his hair. “I heard Busan is hot these days.”

Sunoo will actually cry. “Busan?” He repeats.

“It’s summer.” Jay shrugs, “Busan has a lot of beaches. Seafood. Watermelon? That kind of thing?” 

“Hyung,” Sunoo deadpans. “You’re so bad at lying.”

“I, for one, have always wanted to come to Busan,” Heeseung pipes in. “They have a great modern art museum there.”

“Oh!” Jake jumps on his seat and the way he lights up reminds Sunoo of his dog, Layla. “We can go fishing! And eat lobsters, they are cheaper there too,” he suggests, genuinely excited at the idea of getting delicious food. 

“Surfing!” Jungwoon cheers, “Let’s go surfing!”

“Of course, Wonie,” Jay really just has to say. “Whatever you want.” 

“Too bad, if only Ni-ki didn’t go back to Japan during this school break.”

Sunoo feels a headache coming. “Are you sure this trip is for me…”

It did slip his mind that it’s his birthday... It was easy to lose track of the days when your mind is preoccupied, but it would be foolish to believe that his friends are taking him to Busan just for that. It’s pretty darn obvious why. He appreciates the little act though.

“Can I at least sleep?” He asks, giving up to their whims and already trying to find a comfortable position. He plops down horizontally across the tiny space, resting his head down on Jake’s lap and his feet over Jay’s. There’s a bit of a scuffle as Jay tries to tickle his feet but after a few rounds of kicking, they eventually settle down. “Wake me up when we arrive.” Heeseung turns the volume of the radio even lower, and the car eventually falls into a companionable silence. 

The next time Sunoo wakes up, his friends are already unloading their bags from the trunk. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and tiredly gets out of the car. Upon seeing him, Jungwon deposits a bag in Sunoo’s hand.

“Your mom packed this, you can change inside,” he says casually, as if Mrs. Kim was the main perpetrator in all of this. And knowing her, maybe she is.

At least she packed him with sensible outfits, noticing a lot of light shirts and shorts, a pair of flip flops and sunscreen.

“Why didn’t we just take the train?” He asks them after changing into comfortable clothes. 

“This is faster,” Jay replies, tapping away on his phone, dark sunglasses perched on his nose like some pop star. “I already rented a car. We gotta be there before eleven.”

Sunoo nods and checks the time on his own phone, it displays eight thirty. If they get on a plane right now, they’ll definitely make it. Busan is only an hour away by air while the train can take up to three. Sunghoon took the latter with his grandfather since he wanted to experience riding one. 

The idea of seeing him again leaves Sunoo a little breathless and he tries to ignore the mix of dread and butterflies fluttering in his stomach. 

It hasn’t even been that long since they last saw each other, a month at most, and they’re constantly communicating with calls and text messages, so why is he being so dramatic over this? He berates himself and trudges on forward, following the rest of his friends to the check-in counter.

 

---

 

Busan is way warmer than Seoul and since it’s a port city, the air can get humid. It’s nice though, being near the ocean brings a refreshing feeling. He wonders if Sunghoon has seen it.

He messages him the moment they got out of the plane.

> Kim Sunoo
> Hyung…
> Don’t be shocked, I’m in Busan!
> [Image attached]
> Jake-hyung and everyone is here too!
> Let’s meet! 😚

> Hoonie-hyung ♥
> Ah. I know. Hello.
> See you later?

Sunoo gasps after reading his reply. “Who told Sunghoon-hyung??”

All four of them try not to smile.

“He’s actually the first to know,” Jake says eventually, “How else are we gonna plan the trip? He’s a part of it!”

“Sunghoon is surprisingly good at keeping secrets,” Jay adds.

“Wait, you guys have been contacting him?”

The look Jay pins him with is dry as the sand. “Do we look like horrible people to you? Of course, we do!”

“I send him photos of Layla,” Jake announces, pleased. “He loves it.”

It’s Jay’s turn to drive, so Heeseung gets in the front seat instead. Since it’s a bigger car, they get to have individual seats, like a minivan.

“We talk about his tribe, sometimes,” their oldest shares, “I didn’t intend to make it sound like I’m doing research, but he seems to not mind talking about it.”

“You did share his number with us,” Jungwon quips, “And he’s your friend. Or whatever you guys are.” He smiles cheekily, but his next words contrast his attitude. “That makes him one of us now. And we take care of each other.”

“Oh…” Sunoo gapes, “I just didn’t… I guess I didn’t expect you guys to actually stay in touch.”

Heeseungs tries not to look offended. “I know we just met, but we do care for him too,” he reasons, “And before you say anything, it’s not just because we’re grateful he saved you.” Which, okay, fair enough, Sunoo was about to say that. “I think we all genuinely want this situation to be easier for him.”

“That…” Sunoo’s eyes soften. “That’s nice of you guys. I’m sure Sunghoon-hyung appreciates it.” He beams at them, “And I do too!”

Jay maneuvers the rented car out of the parking lot, “We’re staying near Haeundae beach so he’s gonna join us for dinner later,” he informs them. “He said it’s not that far from his home.”

It’s unintentional but the way Jay said ‘home’ made Sunoo feel... odd. Like a sudden but hollow pain in his chest. Sunoo immediately stomps the feeling down.

He rolls the window down and stares at the scenery outside. Busan may be far, but it is still a populated city. There’s a bracing smell of the sea in the air as birds flew overhead. It’s a different kind of busy from the blurry hustle and bustle of Gangnam streets, and he tries to picture Sunghoon living here indefinitely. The same ache from earlier comes back so Sunoo tears his eyes away from the window.

The place they’re staying at is a two-storey, three-room beach house. The shore is only walking distance from it, so aside from the sound of the waves, it’s peaceful and relaxing. 

They decide the rooms via rock, paper and scissors. Jay and Jungwon snagged the master’s while Jake gets the single bedroom. This leaves Heeseung and Sunoo to share the 2-bed guest room. After resting for a bit, Jay asks who wants to come to the store to buy some supplies and groceries. Jungwon automatically tags along and Heeseung volunteers to drive. Even though they can just eat out, Jay always prefers cooking when they go on trips. Says it’s like team building. Sunoo doesn't complain since for all of Jay’s brashness, he’s actually a pretty great cook.

Jake and him stay behind, hanging out by the balcony overseeing the expanse of the wide ocean. It hasn’t even been an hour when the doorbell rings. The two friends exchange confused looks, clearly not expecting any visitors at this time. Sunoo tries to see who it is from above but the front door is blocked by the roof and since he’s closer to the stairs, he goes down to open the door.

For the second time that day, Sunoo is met by a surprise. 

“Sunghoon-hyung…” He whispers.

Sunghoon is wearing a ball cap, white button up and denim shorts. He looks… good. He loo— There goes the tightness in his chest again, his heart feeling like it’s being squeezed.

“Uhh,” he starts unintelligently, a mirror of how their first real conversation in the arctic started. Sunghoon has a small, fond smile on his face. Sunoo clears his throat. “I thought we’re meeting later?” 

Sunghoon’s expression dims a little but before he can reply, Jake’s voice echoes around the house. “Sunoo! Who is it?”

Sunoo feels bad that he’s glad for the distraction. “It’s Sunghoon-hyung!” He shouts back. Thundering footsteps were heard from above before Jake reveals himself coming down the stairs and running up to their visitor.

“Sunghoon!” He greets and Sunoo steps aside. “How are you, man? It’s been awhile!” Jake’s voice is bright and happy, and although Sunghoon noticed the way Sunoo turned quiet earlier, Jake’s energy is contagious enough that Sunghoon can’t help but match his enthusiasm.

“Hello,” he greets, “It’s nice to see you again.” Sunoo is definitely impressed with his Korean. His grammar is now almost perfect. They do talk on the phone, but hearing him in person is different. Actually, the entirety of this situation and seeing Sunghoon in real life again… it hits differently.

Jake chuckles, motioning him to come inside. “You surprised us. I mean, we don’t mind! You’re just early. Jay and the rest went out.”

Sunghoon removes his shoes and looks around the house. In the end, he settles his gaze on Sunoo who’s still standing silently at the side. “I wanted to see Sunoo,” he says at last, without any hesitation. “Fast.”

Hearing that, Sunoo almost trips while trying to escape the scene. 

Jake’s eyebrows shoot up and he nods slowly, almost robotically. “I see...” He zeroes in on his younger friend’s figure.  “Of course. Understood. I uhm.” Jake sidesteps and picks up his shoes near the front door. “I forgot I have to go... Buy something. So, yeah.” 

Jake even has the audacity to wink at him. Sunoo wants to strangle his neck. 

“Make yourself at home. I won’t be long!” And the front door shuts.

There is a stifling silence that engulfs the room, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Sunghoon is mostly confused, he is very excited to see Sunoo again, but their short interaction earlier tells him that Sunoo might not share the same sentiment.

Sunghoon hopes he’s just overthinking.

“Is something. Wrong?” He asks carefully, watching Sunoo look anywhere but him.

Sunoo shakes his head. “Why would there be?” He smiles, “Sorry. Is it obvious? I'm kinda tired.” He scratches the back of his head. When Sunghoon doesn't look convinced, he walks over to him and confidently pokes his cheek, the side where a dimple would appear whenever he smiles. “Don’t worry! I probably just need some rest. They literally dragged me here…” He complains, “And come to think of it! I can’t believe you hid this from me!” 

Sunghoon has learned early on that when the important people in his life hide things from him, it's always been an act of love. Vyka didn’t want to talk about his parents, not just because it makes her sad, but also because she didn’t want him to think about the things he lost, or the life he missed. Even if Sunghoon can’t figure out why yet, he thinks Sunoo is doing the same thing, this Sunoo who stayed generous even when he’s scraping the bottom of what he can give.

He sees the sighs, the shifty eyes and the way he bites his lips, the worry between his brows and wry smiles. If Sunoo doesn’t want to talk about it, then Sunghoon isn’t going to force him. He can wait. 

Sunghoon is good at that.

Jay, Jungwon and Heeseung come back after another hour and find the two of them in the living room watching Disney’s Coco on the giant screen. Sunoo is sniffling beside an expressionless, but suspiciously teary-eyed Sunghoon.

“The beach is literally five meters away but the two of you are cooped up in here like old married vampires allergic to the sun,” Jay nags at them, putting down bags of groceries by the dining table. The brothers snicker but refrain from commenting, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire. Jake is still nowhere to be found, but he sent a message to their group chat that he’s going to be back before dinner, along with an alarming string of kissy and heart emojis. 

Jay walks over to the pair on the couch, thoroughly unimpressed and glances at the movie credits playing. He reaches for the remote and turns the TV off. “You know what, make yourself useful and help me cut ingredients.”

Sunoo makes a move to stand when Jay stops him. “No, not you. Don’t ever touch a knife again. Sunghoon, come with me.” And walks away. The younger pouts but begrudgingly motions for Sunghoon to follow Jay. 

“That was one time!!” He shouts after Jay, hurt at the accusation. 

“After you almost filleted my fingers? Once is enough, Kim Sunoo.”

A barbecue pit is set grilling in front of the house courtesy of Heeseung’s and Jungwon’s efforts, the smoke travelling up in the open air like a legit summer vacation site.  After being banned from the kitchens, Sunoo is assigned to set up the table outside. Drinks, disposable utensils and plastic cups are already laid out by the time Jake arrives with a bag of Soju from the nearby convenience store, to which Jungwon brazenly scolds him for. Jay and Sunghoon start bringing out the food one by one: plates of sliced meat and vegetables, side dishes and instant rice. Packs of ramen were also brought out which made Heeseung hyped up.

The ocean is a gown of cerulean waves and the beach looks dipped in an earthshine glow. The horizon is drawn with an orange tint when Jay starts grilling the meat, the briny air carrying a smokey smell and Sunoo’s stomach rumbles when he hears the sizzling on the barbecue. From afar, there are seagulls flying where the sun and water meet, their wings blurry in motion as they fade into sight.

Eating is, by far, everyone’s favorite part of the day. They converse naturally in between bites, thanking Jay for cooking and by extension Sunghoon, for helping in the preparation. Jay even praises how skillful Sunghoon was with the knife and Sunoo adds on by telling them of the time they went ice-fishing and Sunghoon prepared the fish with a dagger. His friends listen in rapt attention, asking questions and making Sunghoon the center of the conversation, not that the boy minds; he seems happy to share stories about his hometown, and Sunoo can tell that he misses the tribe.

“So, during winter, you really just eat... frozen meat?” Heesung questions.

Sunghoon shakes his head. “No. We have things for… food. Like, uhm, re… r-refri....?” Sunghoon searched for the word, but he couldn’t piece together an explanation from his vocabulary. He turns to Sunoo for help instead.

“Refrigerator,” Sunoo supplies, “they have sledges that are only for storing food. Like portable freezers. So they can keep a lot of perishables. Not just frozen meat. There’s bread, butter…” He enumerates, “Even jerkys and other staples.”

Sunghoon has a focused look on his face as he continues, “Yes. And we have to. Keep warm always. Cut firewood. Break ice to get water. Everyday.”

“And you have to take care of the reindeer too?” That’s Jake.

“I swear, those animals are twice my size!” Sunoo adds in, “Sunghoon-hyung has to lasso the herd. Then someone else has to keep it together. There are like three hundred? Five hundred reindeer? You circle them for hours until the lassoing is done. I lived with them but I still can’t figure out how they can do it so orderly. In the snow too. It’s honestly amazing.”

“That’s crazy. Hundreds?” Jay whistles.

“Wow…” Jungwon stares at Sunghoon with newfound respect. 

“Not very hard…” Sunghoon denies, but the tips of his ears are red. 

Their meat runs out eventually so Jay gets up to cook some more.

Sunghoon stays seated beside Sunoo and they watch the others surround Jay on the grill, asking to be fed like baby birds.

Sunoo leans back and watches the gentle ripple of the waves against the shore. Sunghoon follows his line of sight and observes the tide harmoniously flowing, as if the sea is kindling its own symphony.

“The ocean,” he says, a bit bewildered. “This close. Never saw it before.” He hears the rustle of Sunoo’s clothes when he turns to him. “Pretty. But scary.”

Sunoo snorts good naturedly, “If you don’t know how to swim, then it definitely is.” 

Sunghoon tilts his head, curious. “Do you know?” 

The younger shakes his head. “Not really. Children have better muscle memory, but I never had the chance to learn when I was a kid.” He sighs. “That’s why I can only look at it like this. Safely. From a distance.”

Despite the offhand manner he phrased it, Sunghoon thinks that there's more meaning to his words than what Sunoo has originally intended to share. 

“Me too.”

“I bet you can learn fast if you try, hyung.” 

Sunghoon wants to say they can learn together but doesn’t trust himself to be able to say the words flawlessly. It’s weird, he feels a space between them expanding, a small void, but he can’t point out where it’s coming from or why.

The voices of their friends ring in the air and they both turn to the source, just in time to witness Jay trying to dodge Heeseung’s attempt to steal the tong from his hand, all the while balancing a plate of meat with the other. Jay, in return, shouts profanities at him, making Jake and Jungwon laugh out loud.

“This is nice,” Sunghoon comments. 

Sunoo hums in agreement. “When Jay-hyung became old enough to drive, he started taking us on a lot of trips. He’s sentimental.” He grins at the thought. “Always wanted to make memories together. The essence of youth or something. That’s how we ended up in the arctic too.”

“Have to thank him,” Sunghoon decides. “Because of Jay. We met.”

“Ugh, please don’t.” Sunoo winces. “I’ll never live it down. Him taking the credit for us.”

It took Sunoo several seconds to realize what he just said.

“I mean!” He waves his hands in panic, “ Us, like. Our friendship. Obviously!”

As he fears, the Sunghoon merely stares at him, calm and far too calculating. Sunoo thinks about running into the water and letting the waves sweep him far away. 

“...yes,” Sunghoon finally says and in his fluster, Sunoo isn’t able to see his expression, settling on looking down at the sand beneath their feet. This kind of conversation again. He feels sick to his stomach, the same acidic sensation that he felt before, eating away at his insides. He feels extra shitty when Sunghoon doesn't talk as much for the rest of the night, opting to reply in clipped, short words.

Their friends notice the change in the atmosphere but don’t dare mention it, so when it’s time for Jake to bring out the cake, the real reason why he left earlier, the mood turns a bit awkward. They light up the candles and still sing Sunoo a happy birthday, moderately out of tune, but sincere enough to bring a genuine cheer out of everyone.

Later on, before Sunghoon leaves, he wishes Sunoo a happy birthday again and reluctantly lifts his hand to ruffle the younger’s hair. He is polite when he bids them good night, his grandfather’s car not far and waiting to take him back. When he’s gone, Sunoo lets out a deep sigh, but not exactly in relief if you ask those that heard it.

The other four exchange looks, equally clueless to what just happened. If something even happened. One minute, they’re fine- talking and being friendly, then suddenly Sunghoon turned mute. Sunoo looked like he kicked a puppy.

Not wanting to end this night on a sad note, Jungwon runs back inside the house and ramages the cupboard for the pack of sparklers he brought from the grocery earlier. He originally wanted to use these on their last day, but after noticing Sunoo low-spirited on his own birthday, he knew that there won’t be a better time to make use of it.

Jungwon gives each one a piece and they stand around the grill to light it all at the same time. On the count of three, they let the sticks touch the embers and it sparkles brightly in the dark. It does the trick and Sunoo runs around with it, circling his friends like a mad wizard. It’s fun while it lasts, at least Sunoo doesn’t look so dejected anymore. 

Shortly after midnight, they clean up and get ready for bed, tired after a long day. 

Sunoo wakes up early despite the late hour they slept in and much to his surprise, he finds the bed beside him already empty. After washing up, he grabs his phone and checks outside, he spots Heeseung nursing a cup of something warm by the balcony. He bets it’s tea. Heeseung stopped drinking coffee a long time ago, for some odd reason he never shared.

“Hey, hyung,” he greets and proceeds to stand by the railing, stretching his limbs and then breathing in the fresh morning air. One thing he likes about this place is how refreshing the surroundings are, maybe it’s because they’re by the seaside, but it’s soothing and he’s glad to get away from the hurly-burly and stresses of life. 

Heesung’s reply comes as a low groan. Sunoo turns to look at him. “Wow. You look like shit,” he says, with feelings. “Did you even sleep?”

The older tries to glare at him but it falls flat, like his nose when he presses his face against the glass of the small table, truly a sight for sore eyes.

“Jayf wanfed fo pwink.” 

“Hyung, I know you can speak multiple languages but I can’t.”

Heeseung lifts his head to stare morosely at him. “Jake wanted to drink.”

“Ah.” Sunoo remembers the bag of Soju that no one got to open last night since Jungwon was guarding it like a hawk; ever the responsible one. Truth to be told, while looking at Heeseung’s vegetative state right now, Sunoo’s pretty sure that Jungwon already knew this was gonna happen and wanted to avoid it. 

“How nice of you to accompany him,” he remarks dryly.

“Some respect would be nice.”

“Respect is earned, hyung-nim .”

“Who are you and where did you take our sweet Sunoo?”

Sunoo laughs heartily. “He turned nineteen~”

Heeseung smiles despite himself. “Cheeky brat.”

“Try taking a shower. Trust me, you’ll feel better.”

Heeseung downs the remaining contents of his cup and stands up. His posture is shaky, so Sunoo moves closer to steady him. Heeseung’s grip on Sunoo’s arm loosens and he pats it in gratitude, walking inside lethargically- presumably to the bathroom to follow the younger’s advice.

A few minutes passed before Heeseung reemerged from the house in fresh clothes, much more awake and focused now. He stands next to Sunoo and props an arm on the railing. He smells like the peach shower gel Sunoo left next to the tub.

“Better?” He asks him, tentatively looking up at Heeseung’s profile.

“I don’t feel like burying my head in the sand anymore so yeah, better, I guess.” His last word ends with a yawn and they fall silent for a while, the sound of the waves steadily crawling to the shore almost hypnotic.

“Should we make breakfast?” Sunoo asks.

“Nah,” Heeseung rests his cheek against his palm. “Pretty sure Jake’s knocked out until noon. And knowing Jongseong…” He shrugs, “Wonie might wake up soon though, we can cook something then. Why, are you hungry?”

“Not really.” 

Sunoo’s phone dings then, and he stills at the notification when sees it. He hesitates but taps on the message anyway, his phone suddenly heavy on his hands.

> Hoonie-hyung ♥
> I want to visit a place.
> Can we go. Together?

“‘That Sunghoon?” Heeseung guesses, not even having to look.

“Uh,” Sunoo stalls, “Yeah…”

> Kim Sunoo
> Sure! Just send me where and when.
> I’ll meet you there.

It doesn’t take long for Sunghoon to reply and Sunoo switches the phone on silent after receiving the location and time, leaving it face down on the table.

He runs a hand on his damp hair and slumps down against the railing, hangs both of his arms on the other side like laundry out for drying. Heeseung eyes his posture, a little worried he’s gonna flip over and fall.

“Hyung, I think I messed up.” He exhales, eyeing the spot below where they sang happy birthday last night, the barbeque pit left open to dry after they doused water on it, the blackened charcoal a mirror of his emotions.

“You probably didn’t,” Heeseung simply replies.

“But I really did...”

“Why do you think so?”

Reluctantly, Sunoo opens his mouth. “I tried avoiding Sunghoon-hyung… pretty sure he noticed.” 

Heeseung blinks, “But why? You like him, right?” No answer. “And he likes you back.”

“We don’t know that.” Sunoo hangs his head even lower. “I told you. I’m messing things up. He has a whole life ahead of him. He’s better off here. Maybe. I don’t know. I keep thinking about it, hyung.”

At this, Heeseung doesn't wince but it's a close thing. “Messing up is moving to another continent to avoid the person you like, ignoring their calls for an entire year and pretending to be busy. Trust me, you didn’t mess up,” he continues even as Sunoo looks heartbroken at the comparison. But then Heeseung’s voice softens, “You’re nineteen, Sunoo. I hope you realize that sometimes, you’re allowed to act like your age.” When Sunoo doesn’t answer, Heeseung faces him fully. “And you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re just... scared. The distance frightens you, doesn't it?”

Sunoo nods after a while.

“You told me before that you just wanted Sunghoon to be happy. And that his happiness comes first, but what about you? Do you even know that he smiles the most when he’s with you?”

Of course Sunoo knows. He has to be dumb not to notice. It’s why he feels like he’s on a sinking boat everytime he thinks about it. 

“But what if...” Sunoo bites his lip, “What if he’s just attached to me since I helped him?”

Heeseung exhales and it almost sounds like a laugh. “And what’s wrong with that? It’s as good a reason as any.” He smiles fondly at the younger, and Sunoo feels like a little kid again, clinging to his Heeseung-hyung when the other children didn’t want to play with him and calling him names just because he looks pale, like a ghost. “Everyone has their own right to choose. And by the sound of it, you already did. Give Sunghoon the same chance,” he says.

“You already fought for him once, against an actual, might I add, criminal.” Heeseung tilts his head, searching for answers on Sunoo’s forlorn face. “So why get scared now?”

“It’s different then,” Sunoo whispers, “That was more black and white. Sunghoon-hyung being left behind is wrong. Bringing him back here… I know it’s the right thing to do,” he explains, “I don’t want him to think that he owes me anything. That just because I like him, doesn’t mean he has to stay with me.”

“Sunoo, he’s not paying you back by liking you. That’s not how it works.”

Being with Sunghoon was easier when they were in the arctic, because things were simpler. As if time has stopped inside a pretty snow globe, like a fairytale with a definite happy ever after. Now their world has expanded and along with it are their priorities. Faced with a reality that doesn’t just involve the two of them, and the looming fear of stopping Sunghoon into being where he needs to be, Sunoo falls into the same old fear of being a burden to the people he loves.

It wasn’t Sunoo’s intention to make it appear as though he’s not happy for Sunghoon, especially when it was him who looked for his family in the first place. He doesn’t regret any of it and he never will. He’s glad they reunited. He just can’t help internalizing a lot of… things, and he’s afraid to ask what this means for them. Being scared of the future he once looked forward to seeing.

Heeseung knows Sunoo enough to understand why he is conflicted. He was also young at that time, but old enough to remember the effect it had on his friend. While Sunoo’s health did recover, that experience left a mark on him, a mark that was not obvious at first. An insecurity, or even guilt, that comes out from time to time, pressing itself into the creases of Sunoo’s relationships and tugging his heart in the opposite direction.

How often he tries to sell himself short. Always worrying more for others than himself. Sunoo will always try to do the right thing, even at his own expense, and you’ll either hate him or love him for it.

“Sorry. I probably sound very unreasonable right now.”

But Heeseung just waves him off. “Don’t worry about that. Feelings don’t have to be reasonable. Isn’t that why they’re feelings? They’ll exist, even if they make sense or not.”

Sunoo wants to tell Sunghoon all of his worries without having to confess anything. Without having to say that he’s also terrified of the things that could change. 

That he would like to stay.

That he would like him to stay.

“Everything is scary until you’re brave enough to face it, Sunoo.”

The younger releases a long-suffering sigh. “I hate it when you’re right, hyung.”

From inside the house, they hear a door opening and then footsteps tapping against the wooden floor. Heeseung pushes himself away from the railing and stands in front of Sunoo. He’s still taller than him by a few centimeters, but thinks bittersweetly that it might not take long before Sunoo surprasses his height. He pinches his soft cheeks and Sunoo’s unamused expression makes him chuckle. “Of course. There is wisdom in experience after all,” Heeseung casually remarks and there is no malice in his voice, simply facts. He wears his pain well, in the form of advice and understanding and Sunoo can’t help but admire the strength of his heart.

 

---

 

Sunghoon wants to meet at Yongdusan Park in the afternoon which leaves Sunoo with a lot of time to spare. Being dragged here, or surprised as his friends lovingly called it, he doesn’t really have any itinerary planned. 

It’s a little after lunch when Sunoo notices his phone ringing. He forgot to remove it from silent mode earlier, so when he checks the notifications, he’s surprised to see twenty four missed calls and nearly forty messages. He opens the call log right away and discovers that all of it was from Sunghoon’s grandfather. His heartbeat drums in his chest as he presses the call button.

It only takes a single ring before it connects, “Hello?”

“Sunoo? Oh, thank goodness. Are you with Sunghoon, right now?” His tone is frantic.

Sunoo frowns, “No, but we’re supposed to meet later. Is something wrong, Hal-abeoji?”

“He’s not answering his phone,” the old man tells him in a rush and an icy dread seeps into Sunoo. “He told me he's just going for a walk. It’s been four hours! We tried looking for him in the neighborhood but nobody has seen him. That’s why I thought he probably went to you.” By the sound of his voice, Mr. Park is no doubt on the verge of having a breakdown.

“Hal-abeoji,” Sunoo says gently. “You have to calm down. We’re going to find him, okay?” He quickly looks around and finds the house empty. “He couldn’t have gotten far.” Sunoo knows that isn’t true but he has to say it to calm the old man. Sunghoon has been left unattended for hours now. Busan isn’t as big as Seoul but it’s still a huge city in its own right. 

“I’ll help look for him. My friends too. I’ll forward you their numbers,” he says as he sprinted downstairs, grabbing the keys of the car he isn't supposed to drive.

He opens the front door and finds Jungwon and Heeseung not far from the house, strolling along the shoreline. “Keep looking but make sure there’s someone left at home. He might come back,” he tells him, “Thank you for letting me know, Hal-abeoji. You take care too.” He hangs up in haste, his palms suddenly cold.

He marches towards the parked car with no thought in his mind other than the image of a distraught Sunghoon, lost and confused in the streets. Four hours. That was around the time Sunghoon messaged him too. Sunoo mentally curses. 

Even though he doesn’t have his license yet, Sunoo has already learned to drive from his father. In case of emergency, he told him and Sunoo couldn’t be any gladder that he had listened. He tries to call Sunghoon’s phone, only to be transferred to voicemail.

Frustrated, he buckles up and turns the key in the ignition, ramaging his head for a place Sunghoon could go to. He opens the navigation app and places his phone above the dashboard. He pins Sealife Busan Aquarium, vaguely remembering Sunghoon telling him that he wanted to go back there.

His phone rings as he gets out of the driveway and in his hurry, he doesn't even check who it is, accepting the call and switching it to loud speaker.

“KIM SUNOO WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING WITH THAT CAR?”

Sunoo winces. 

“Hi, Heeseung-hyung.”

“COME BACK RIGHT NOW, HYUNG!”

That’s Jungwon.

He doesn't dare look back, knowing that they’re probably running towards him and continues driving until he hits the streets. 

“I’m sorry. There’s an emergency. Sunghoon-hyung is missing.” 

“What?”

The app tells him to go right and he carefully makes a turn at the intersection. “His grandfather will contact you guys. I know some places he could go to. Please, just—” He swallows, clutching the steering wheel, his hands wrap so tightly around it that his nails dug into his palms. “I have to find him.” He hardens his voice. “You can scold me later, hyung. But please. Let me do this.”

There is no response on the other line for a while. Heeseung can easily force him to go back but he must know that saying that would definitely set Sunoo off, inevitably ending this call in an argument. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Alright. Fine.” 

Sunoo instantly breathes in relief. 

“Hyung, no! Tell him to turn back!” He can hear Jungwon arguing in the back. “You know he doesn’t have a license, right?”

Heeseung merely shushes his brother, sounding very tired. “We’ll have a talk after this, you hear me?” He tells Sunoo, “Just got a message. I think it’s his grandfather. Stay safe, Sunoo.” 

The older hangs up and Sunoo tries to remain calm. The last time he felt this fear was in the arctic, just before he lost consciousness. His blood pounded in his ears, heart thudding in his chest. His hands shake.

Sunghoon isn’t in the aquarium, and even after asking the staff to help him, it’s not physically possible to search the entire place on such a short notice. They’re nice enough to try though and promised to call him if they see someone that resembles Sunghoon’s description.

It’s the same outcome when Sunoo drove to Haeundae beach. Even though it’s a blessing that it’s a weekday and there aren't a lot of tourists around, they still failed to find Sunghoon. At this point, Sunoo is running out of ideas. He gets in the car and drives to the last destination he has in mind. Yongdusan Park, the place where they’re supposed to meet today.

He pushes the vehicle as fast as it can go without breaking speed limits, all the while scanning the sidewalks he drives by. He almost crashes into another car when he spots a familiar figure walking through a footpath in the distance. Sunoo prays that’s who he thinks it is.

“Sunghoon-hyung!” Sunoo leans out the side of the car and slows down near the boy. The figure glances behind him and stops. When he recognises who it is, he waves.

Sunoo cuts the engine, road traffic laws be damned. He already drove without a license anyway. He jumps out of the car, runs towards the boy and shakes him.

“What are you doing out here? Do you know everyone’s looking for you?” He asks in disbelief.

Sunghoon stares at him with wide eyes, like nothing’s wrong at all. “I… The phone. Off.” He holds up his dead phone to Sunoo, as if that’s gonna answer anything. “Want to walk. But I rode the bus. Then I got lost. I ran out of coin-… Sunoo?” He stops when Sunoo’s hands slide down from his shoulders and he suddenly sits on the ground, his head on his hands. All the energy suddenly drained from his body as relief washes over him. Some bystanders are looking at them but Sunoo honestly can't be bothered to care.

“Oh my god. What possessed you? Where did you even plan to go?”

“Yongdusan.”

“Yongdusan?” Sunoo echoes, looking up at him incredulously. “Do you have any idea how far that is?!”

The answer is almost ten kilometers away from where they are.

Sunghoon’s brow furrows but he nods.

“Were you planning to walk the whole way?!” Sunoo stands and grabs the older’s arm. 

Sunghoon attempts to tug his hand back. Sunoo won’t let him and instead tries to pull him back to the car. Sunghoon resists.

“I’m taking you back to your grandfather,” Sunoo says in a tone one shouldn’t argue with. “Come on.”

“No,” Sunghoon mumbles. He’s confused but there is a rage bubbling under the surface.

Sunoo looks at him. Really looks. Then he sighs.

“At least get in the car. Please?”

Sunghoon looks at Sunoo like he’s expecting him to shout again, which made the younger feel bad for raising his voice earlier. For a second, Sunoo thinks he’s going to bolt. Instead he walks towards the vehicle and sits in the passenger seat. 

Sunoo follows shortly and locks the doors. It’s silent inside. He leans over to buckle the seatbelt for Sunghoon and the boy doesn't even try to move, as if he’s ignoring him. When Sunoo is finished and stares at him, Sunoo realizes how tired Sunghoon looks all of a sudden. He opens the glove compartment and hands over a water bottle to him. Sunghoon doesn’t accept it right away, so Sunoo pries his palm open and makes the older hold it.

“I’m sorry for shouting,” he tells him. “I was just worried. Do you understand? You can’t just go off on your own and not tell anyone.”

Sunoo sends a quick text to Hal-abeoji and his friends to let them know that he found Sunghoon. The other boy remains quiet even as Sunoo restarts the engine, deciding to take him back to the beach house first.

“I know. You will find me,” Sunghoon says after a time and Sunoo glances at him from the rearview mirror. “If I go to Yongdusan. ”

“Is that why you wanted to go there?” He asks.

Sunghoon nods. “We’re meeting there. So I wasn’t scared,” he admits, “I’m sure you’d come,” he repeats.

Without realizing it, Sunoo has allowed himself to relax. Evidently, that wasn’t the answer he was expecting, yet at the same time, his heart constricts at Sunghoon’s innocent words. How did you know I’d look there? What if I didn’t? Did you think of me and just knew I’d come to find you? Does it have to be me? Where does that faith come from? 

Where does your bravery come from? 

Sunoo tears his eyes away from him.

Sunghoon uses Sunoo’s phone to call his grandfather and after apologizing and reassuring him that he is safe, Sunghoon asks if he can stay the night with Sunoo and his friends. The old man is hesitant at first, but eventually allows him. 

When they arrive, Heeseung is on guard at the driveway, tapping his foot against the sand and snatches the car keys from Sunoo right away the moment he gets out of the car. He scolds him silently but then hugs him tight afterwards. Sunghoon stands at the side awkwardly and when the eldest notices him, he tugs the boy without warning into the embrace. “We are never going on a trip again. Ever.” He jokes and Sunghoon muffles a tiny I’m sorry against the shoulder he’s smushed in.

Jay and Jake were awoken shortly after Sunoo stole the car and the news sent them into a reel of panic, their minds recalling the incident when they almost lost their friend. Jay turned as pale as death and Jake’s chest grew tight, bile almost rising in his throat. Jungwon had to calm them down and they could only feel at ease when they saw Sunoo in one piece, safe, engulfed in Heeseung’s embrace.

That night, Heeseung moves into Jake’s room and lends his bed to Sunghoon. No one argues with it. After the shock of the afternoon wears down, Sunoo feels tired to his bones and tells everyone that he’s going to sleep early. Sunghoon wordlessly follows him inside and sits on Heeseung’s bed, playing with his fingers and trying to make himself appear small. Sunoo can’t stand it.

“I’m not mad, hyung.” He sighs.

Sunghoon glances at him. He appeared timid before but when he speaks, there’s a conviction in his voice that Sunoo has always found admirable. How he doesn’t seem to be shaken even in the toughest of storms life throws at him. Maybe it’s a good thing he has gotten used to drifting, because being stuck in one place is still better than sinking. At least then, there’s hope.

“But you’re sad,” he tells Sunoo, face solemn with certainty, sounding far wiser than his age. “You always sigh. When you’re sad. You do it a lot. When you see me.”

Sunoo considers lying. The bigger your worries, the more you think it’s better off buried. He feels like a dragon with a horde of issues, masking themselves as gold. A martyr for not burdening other people, even without an audience to praise you for it. That could work, but only if he’s not in front of Sunghoon. 

Heeseung told him to Give Sunghoon the same chance. 

Sunoo himself can be good at giving advice to other people, but funnily enough, he can’t seem to apply it into practice. 

“I’m not sad because of you,” he tells him, finally. “I’m sad because I’m scared of being honest with you.” 

He waits for confusion, or a demand for an explanation but Sunghoon does neither. 

“I just want you to live your best life, hyung. To find your home, and if it takes being apart from you to have that, then that’s all I can ask for.” He sighs again. “But when Hal-abeoji told me you’re missing, I felt crazy. And mad at myself. Because that’s all it took for me to come running back.” Sunoo licks his lips and tips his head down before looking back up to Sunghoon again. “Back then, when it was me who had to leave, how did you do it, hyung?”

Sunghoon sits very still, and watches Sunoo with wide eyes. Always with wide eyes. Sunghoon looks at him like he’s trying hard to understand him. Even when he doesn’t have to. Sunoo feels like an ass. He’s about to escape to Jake’s room when Sunghoon speaks.

“But you...” Sunghoon starts, and Sunoo shoots him a nervous look. “You taught me how.”

“You’re the person I want to see. When I’m tired. When I’m sad,” he says. “When I’m happy or,” He frowns, the terms becoming a little difficult to translate, “Or... when I want to be myself. Like a home. But home isn’t.... a place, I think. Because Sunoo feels like that. You—” He searches for the right word.

“You didn’t stop being home. Even when you left.” He smiles at Sunoo, shy and kind. “And if Sunoo wants. I can be like that for you too. So...”

He takes a breath, nose scrunching up. “I hope you won’t feel scared anymore. Because I already like you,” Sunghoon says, voice steady, and always, always true, because it’s that simple for him. Because he didn’t even have to think about it. “I will always like you.” 

The world spirals inward until the only dimension is the space between him and Sunghoon. He can’t seem to breath but the air is just there, just out of his reach, Sunoo only has to reach a little further up and he’ll be able to touch it.

“I...” He grapples for words, mind racing.

Sunoo still feels afraid. There will always be a price to pay for showing vulnerability, of keeping your eyes and your arms and your heart open, even when there’s a possibility that you’re just going to get a knife through your ribs the next time somebody comes in for a hug. It’s an uphill battle. People fear what they can’t grasp within their hands, it’s just how they are, as human beings; it’s scary to work for love, scarier even to let another person in to see your multitude of flaws. Sunoo has always thought that love would be some life-altering thing. But it’s not. It doesn’t have to change who you are. You can still be irrational, overthinking, and a little too much. What love can do though, is make you a better person. Soften the edges that are ragged and unpolished. To be a version of yourself who is willing to receive the knife for the sake of others. A seed of growth has always been inside of us; one just has to learn how to sow it. 

“Don’t you think,” Sunoo asks numbly, “Don’t you think we need more time to make this work?”

Sunghoon tilts his head at the question, but instead of answering, he walks over to Sunoo, sits beside him and holds his hand.

“Is it not working?”

Sunoo’s heart jolts with enough electricity to form half a sun.

He can’t answer now. A touch and he already lost. It can’t even compare. A squeeze of a hand and he’s still the same infatuated fool who told Sunghoon that ‘The pain is almost worth it? Just to know they exist.’ The racing of his pulse is still the only feeling that makes sense.

When Sunoo musters up enough bravery to stare back, Sunghoon isn’t just smiling; he is absolutely beaming. 

“You know that I already like you too, hyung,” Sunoo admits, and he surprises himself with how easy it’s been to say, now that everything’s out in the open. A sign of adulthood, maybe.

At his words, Sunghoon nods his head and looks away, feeling sheepish all of a sudden, but a grin remains on his face like sunlight. Sunoo is almost tempted to say that he has never seen him this happy, but he doesn’t trust his memory enough for such grand assumptions. Not when he loves all of Sunghoon’s smiles.

 

---

 

Sunoo closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again, a beam of light from the window is half-way across the floor and Sunghoon’s cheek is pressed against the side of his head, sound asleep. He can hear the hum of the air conditioner and the rhythmic lull of the waves outside.

He tries to get up silently from the bed, but it proves to be tricky when their limbs are tangled up together. They originally didn’t plan on sleeping side by side, but somehow along the night, like how the moon is responsible for pulling tides, Sunghoon ended up migrating into his bed.

Sunoo crawls out of bed in the quietest way possible and cheers internally when Sunghoon stays asleep, lips chapped and eyelids fluttering. Sunoo knows he’s been staring for too long when he feels a cramp on his leg. 

He checks his phone first as per habit, scrolls through notifications from his mother, some messages in their group chat before seeing a calendar reminder.

It’s for their flight later that evening. 

Sunoo ignores it, not wanting to overthink again.

That day they all went out to have fun, visiting tourist spots and cramming in as many activities as they can in the little timeframe. Halfway through, Sunghoon asks if they can drop Sunoo and him off at a place, to which his friends gladly agreed, even if they shot Sunoo curious looks. When Sunghoon gives them the address over lunch, Jay chokes on his bubble tea.

It’s a church.

Jungwon has a mischievous smirk on his face when he raises a brow at Sunoo, patting his boyfriend’s back. Meanwhile, Jake looks like he’s about to cry. He hugs Sunoo suddenly, murmuring I can’t believe you'd be the first one. I’m so happy for you, Sunoo-yah.

Heeseung seriously tells him, “Don’t we have to tell your parents?”

“Tell them what?” Sunoo yells when Sunghoon excuses himself to the toilet. “Tell them what??” He repeats.

Of course, no one tells him anything and by the time they were dropped off near the church, Sunoo has truly grown sick of his friends’ odd behaviors. It’s a nice place though, well kept and clean and with a pretty fountain by the courtyard. 

Sunoo thought they’re going inside the church but Sunghoon guides him to a stone path that leads to the back of the building. As they walk, it gradually dawns on Sunoo why they came here and he presses his lips together, silent as he walks closer to Sunghoon’s side.

They gingerly step through the grounds, walking through graves. Some have candles lit on them while others have died out in the duration of the day. The majority of the tombstones have bouquets placed on top of them, others even have toys and notes, but a lot are weathered which leaves nothing but emulsion of colors. 

Sunghoon stops in front of a dark marble grave with gold letters engraved on its surface. He kneels on the dewy grass and Sunoo follows, hands clasped together politely on his lap. A little dirt is scattered over their names, and in one swift movement, Sunghoon wipes it away, fingers tracing the carved letters.

“I wanted to visit my parents with you. Yesterday,” Sunghoon shares. “They’re buried in this church. Near Yongdusan. But I got lost.” He smiles wryly, “Sorry.”

Sunoo shakes off his apology, he really wasn’t mad in the first place.

“Hal-abeoji said. I'd be luckiest child. If only my parents had more time.”

Sunghoon knows there’s no replacing what he lost; he is still sad, it’s hard not to be, but after talking to the people who knew his parents, of learning more about them, it is no longer the kind that makes him feel trapped, no more stewing in emotions that have no outlet. Now it comes with small waves of comfort and even acceptance, that his parents are more than just the bad things that happened to them. 

Because that means Sunghoon is also more than just a casualty of their past. 

“He said they’d like you too, you know,” he continues, glancing at the boy beside him. Sunoo has always been beautiful, pretty in his gentleness, all soft edges at a glance, but sharp on things that matter. His eyes hold words Sunghoon can’t quite reach yet. He never pretended to understand what Sunghoon was going through, but he stood with him regardless, helping Sunghoon to tell his story. 

Sunoo murmurs softly, “Not more than you do, I hope.” It's impossible not to laugh when Sunoo says something like that. 

Sunghoon looks at where he is right now, and then looks back to where he started... In the middle of it all stands Sunoo, the first one to take his hand even when he was hiding it.

“You’re with me in the important parts. Of my life. I want you to be here too, this time,” he says.

“I’m not going anywhere, hyung,” Sunoo replies honestly. He’s trying to believe that there is more than one way to love a person. More than one way to stay together: with words, with thoughts, with utter, sheer belief.

Before they leave, Sunoo runs to the entrance of the church and buys flowers from one of the street vendors. He comes back and places the bouquet on top of the names, whispers a short prayer and bows. He thanks them for bringing Sunghoon into this world and thanks them, in a way, for saving him.

Death will always come. Inevitably and without a doubt. Some sooner and for others, much later. But in the grand scheme of things, what matters most is people have lived first, and loved first too. 

 

---

 

The commute back to the beach house is uneventful. Everyone is already there when they arrive. Sunoo packs his bags, checks his belongings and then loads them into the car. 

When it’s time to go, their friends surround Sunghoon and hug him, promising to stay in contact and telling him that he can visit anytime. 

Sunoo doesn’t want to linger, but forces himself to be optimistic. He doesn’t really want Sunghoon to see how much of this is crushing him.

It’s his turn to say goodbye when a car stops near the house and they spot a figure getting out of the driver’s seat. Sunoo squints, trying to figure out who it is. The person is holding a familiar duffel bag and as they walk closer, Sunoo sees that it’s actually Hal-abeoji.   

“Oh…” He says once the old man is only a few steps away, “You don’t have to send us off, Hal-abeoji. ”

At the polite words, the old man laughs fondly and hands over the duffel bag to Sunghoon. Sunoo’s eyes widened. From his peripheral vision, he can see their friends watching from the car, their faces pressed flat against the glass window.

“I hope you still have space in your car,” Hal-abeoji tells them, and he somehow manages to look younger than the last time they saw each other, his smile is wide and carefree. 

“Wait. What?”

Sunoo turns his bewildered eyes to Sunghoon, who’s now grinning at him unabashedly. 

“We haven’t sold his parents’ house in Seoul,” Hal-abeoji is saying, and Sunoo holds his breath, “I… I didn’t have the heart to let go of it, even after all these years. Maybe this is the reason.” He turns to his grandson, “It took some time to clean and repair it. Sunghoon can stay there now. It’s his in the first place.”

“But Hal-abeoji… ”

Even if a huge thorn has just been lifted from Sunoo’s heart by the sudden turn of events, he can’t help but feel sorry for the old man.

“Don’t you want to stay with him?” he asks worriedly.

Hal-abeoji's eyes soften at the concern but he merely shakes his head.

“He’s my grandson. Naturally, I’d want him to stay here. But he is his parents’ son, isn’t he?” He smiles, only a bit sadly, “He’s not meant to stay in one place, and I am the last person to keep him from what he wants to do.”

Sunoo starts chewing on his lower lip and his eyes well up with tears.

When he doesn’t answer, Hal-abeoji continues. “You have done a good thing for my family and  I hope that you won’t feel like you’re taking Sunghoon away from me.”

He lifts his hand to brush a tear that trickled down the boy’s cheek. Sunghoon knows it takes a strong heart to cry, and Sunoo is one of the strongest people he’s met.

“You’re the one who brought him back, and I’ll never forget that. Just knowing that Sunghoon will live his life well is enough for me.”

At the side, a tear also falls down Sunghoon’s cheek, but his body remains calm compared to how tangled his mind is. When he called his grandfather to tell him of what he plans to do, he was really nervous. In reality, he didn’t need to worry, since the old man seemed to already understand what he was thinking. He might have lost his son, but that doesn’t mean he has forgotten what it’s like to cherish a person. Love is not something that stops when a person stops existing, but those capable of it will always have a lot of affection to give.

“I am old, Sunoo-yah. I don’t want Sunghoon to be left alone again once I’m gone.”

Sunoo’s chin trembles. He swipes at his eyes but more tears come anyway. “Don’t say that, Hal-abeoji. You’re still young!”

Hal-abeoji laughs out loud, and he pats both young men’s heads before ushering them inside the car.

Sunghoon watches his grandfather from the window as they drive away, his figure growing smaller and smaller until they take a turn and he can’t see him anymore. Hal-abeoji didn’t say I love you to him, but he didn’t have to, it was close enough.

At his side, Sunoo’s fingers slip into the spaces between Sunghoon’s naturally and squeezes in comfort.

With a flutter in his heart, Sunghoon squeezes back. 

 

---

 

Everything changes but stays the same.

Sunoo isn’t sure how it happens, but suddenly a month has gone by, and then two and then three, and Sunoo can’t remember what it was like when Sunghoon isn’t a part of his life.

The home Sunghoon’s parents’ left behind has been renovated to fit the needs of a young man living in a modern city. A lot of furniture has been replaced but there are few old fixtures that Sunghoon chose to remain.

Sunoo runs his hand across spines of old publishings that are older than he is, filling the wide bookshelves with hundreds and thousands of words.The Parks are academic people and you can easily tell their profession by the broad selection of the books scattered around the house. Sunghoon has been learning consistently, and with the assistance of KOPRI, he’s been given access to the journals his parents left behind, even some of their possessions that were kept in the institute. 

His Korean is also much more fluent now, and although he still has a hard time reading complex sentences, his speaking capability has improved greatly. He still has a distinct way of speaking but those who have come to know him never even notice anymore. His accent is the product of two places melding, and Sunghoon will never be ashamed of it. A reminder of his parents and of his roots. It’s a work in progress, and Sunoo often feels proud of being able to witness Sunghoon blossom.

Leaving the arctic isn’t easy for him and Sunoo still catches him searching for it, in foreign documentaries, and ice skating rinks. He plans to take him back to Siberia the next spring, when it’s the coldest and the most familiar to Sunghoon. Vyka would love it too, he’s sure.

He’s lost in his thoughts when he spots a thin book slotted randomly in between two encyclopedias, the blue cover of it sticking out like a sore thumb. Like a kid in adult’s clothing. He curiously retrieves it, eyes widening at what he finds.

“Sunghoon-hyung!” He calls, flipping the book open. He hears footsteps from the living room before Sunghoon appears in the doorway of the study. He’s wearing Sunoo’s pastel hoodie and trainer pants, and even though Sunoo sees him everyday, it’s a little jarring sometimes to see him in modern outfits.

“It’s still weird to see you in clothes like that.”

Sunghoon raises a brow at him.

“Is it bad?”

“The opposite, actually.”

He grins and Sunghoon huffs. “Is this why you called me here? To… criticize how I look?

“Criticize. Big word.”

“Sunoo…”

“I’m just kidding!” He giggles this time, holding up the book to the older. “Hyung, isn’t this mine?”

Sunghoon squints at the object before his eyes sparkles with recognition.

“I remember. You lent it to me before I went to Busan.”

Sunoo nods. 

That feels like a lifetime ago. Looking back, everything without Sunghoon seems mediocre now at best. 

“So what do you think? Are you Peter Pan or Wendy?”

The older pauses, but Sunoo patiently waits for him.  “Wendy. I think.”

“What?” Sunoo laughs. “I am Wendy. Peter Pan saved her after all. He’s more like you.”

But Sunghoon merely shakes his head. “I was one of the lost boys before you found me.” He tilts his head slightly, as if to observe Sunoo better. “You can be that fairy. I can’t remember the name. Sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe.” 

Sunoo knows that the older is just quoting the story, but it doesn’t feel like that at all. Not quite.

He stops and takes in this image of Sunghoon: him in his plain clothes and unkept hair, leaning against the doorway with the setting sun on his back, the red stain on his sleeves from trying to make tteokbokii for lunch because it’s Sunoo’s favorite, and the small cut on his chin from nicking himself while shaving. His clumsily painted nails-pinks and blues and purples, because he lets Sunoo play with them. All the small things that make this tall, messy, amazing man who is only trying his best to live. Far too nice and brave for someone who had their life stolen. All his loneliness and misery, and yet, all of it just made Sunghoon kind.

“Are you calling me... Tinkerbell?”

Sunghoon hums. “Hmm. Tiny and pretty, like a fairy. It’s perfect.” 

In life, families have taught Sunoo that love can be sacrificing, withstanding in the face of a force that wants to take someone they treasure. And from Heeseung, that love alone cannot shield us from being hurt, as much as we’d all like to believe it can. Sunghoon is Sunoo’s proof of fate and destiny, but he also believes that people are only fated to do the things they choose to do anyway. It can be found in the most unlikely of people, across the most unlikely of places. A mouth that carries two worlds. In the middle of a snowy mountain. On the verge of death. Love can open wounds but also close them, if only we give it a chance.

Love is never feeling guilty for starting again.

Enduring and hurting, but in all the right places. You rise up and then you live, one day at a time.

Like a happily ever after, almost.

 

 

 

Notes:

+ here we are, at last. the end! if you're reading this, thank you for staying up until now! for rooting for these characters and the stories they hold within. this is my first enhypen story, and i really enjoyed the experience of writing this. if you happen to enjoy it as well, then i couldn't ask for more! i appreciate all the comments, kudos and bookmarks, they made me smile a lot of times and really motivated me to carry on writing! so thank you again, from the bottom of my heart! <3 see you in the next story, maybe? :D

+ p.s. i really wanted to upload this on their japan debut but... yeah. life be like that sometimes >.<

Notes:

Come yell at me in twt or my cc if you want :D