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It was six weeks before anyone who knew her heard from Clarke Griffin after she walked away from her people at Camp Jaha. She had experienced a lot in that time from becoming a decent hunter to learning Trigedasleng to dealing with the events of her life on the ground. She never believed in the five stages of grief until she went through all of them and then reflected on them in the sixth week.
Denial was the shortest stage for her. It mostly came in the morning when she hoped everything was a dream, or rather a nightmare. She was almost hyper aware of what she had done. What she had to do. The first few days, she was almost constantly in the river trying to scrub the non-existent blood off of her.
The anger she had was mostly pointed at Lexa. Lexa who abandoned her. Lexa who made a deal to save herself, save her people. Lexa who left them weakened, left her weakened. If Lexa and the grounders had just stayed, maybe the people of Mount Weather would still be alive.
The bargaining was mostly in the form of ‘if only.’ If only I was more patient. If only I hadn’t been in charge.
The longest stage for her was the depression. She didn’t hunt for days on end because she had no desire to eat, or felt it was an adequate punishment for her. They aren’t live to eat, I shouldn’t be either.
Slowly, that self deprecation faded. They were going to kill my people, my family. I did what I had to do. She began to hunt and eat daily.
After five weeks she found herself in a little trading outpost, owned by a grounder girl and her father. She had been there before, it was where she traded her larger kills for other supplies. The girl, Niylah, informed her one day that the new legend of Wanheda, the conqueror of the Mountain, Commander of Death, had spread across the lands of the Coalition. It was also said that after Wanheda toppled the Mountain, she disappeared into Azgeda territory to train to be an assassin so she could take her revenge on the Commander.
“That doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, Niylah.” Clarke, well Niylah knew her as ‘traveler’ replied bitterly.
The slightly older girl shrugged. “Why would she though? Heda did nothing wrong. I mean from how the story is told anyway. Surely, a great leader such as Wanheda sees that as well.”
“Heda abandoned Skaikru.”
“Heda made a deal ensuring the survival of her warriors and the release of her people in an attack with a clan she owed no loyalty. A clan that already killed a great number of her warriors. Surely if the Skaikru was in the Coalition, Heda would not have taken the deal.” She only clenched her jaw in response, not willing or able to fight the argument laid before her.
Clarke left the outpost that day with a lot on her mind. She could not sleep after that conversation.
I made this choice with my head, not my heart. Lexa’s words from that day resounded within her. The laid awake for several hours, thinking about the decision she would have made if the role was reverses. Two days later she returned to the outpost and asked Niylah how to get to Polis.
--
“If there are no more grievances to be brought before me, you may all be dismissed.” Lexa flicked her gaze through the people in the crowd who started to exit the room. She caught a glimpse, like she had imagined many times over the past six weeks, of blonde hair poking out just under someone's hood. She could not see this person's face, but they were not moving out of the room like the rest either. “You too, Titus.”
“Sha, Heda. Oh, I received word that Chancellor Griffin from Skaikru will be arriving tomorrow morning.” The advisor whispered to her before he turned to stride away. She only nodded in response, not taking her eyes off of the still stationary person. Titus was the last one to exit the room. Neither person moved or spoke until the door clicked shut behind him.
“Clarke kom Skaikru. I have been looking for you.” Slowly she watched as Clarke peeled back the hood and slowly looked up at her.
“I was looking for me too.”
Lexa frowned slightly. “I hope you search was much more fruitful than mine.”
Clarke stood silently for a moment before answering. “At first, I found a monster. Caged, angry and broken.”
Lexa rose from her throne and stepped toward her visitor. “I never meant to turn you into that.” Clarke put up her hand gesturing for her to stop.
“Then I realized the burden you bare as a leader is heavy. You make decisions for your people. You are only responsible for your people. That's why I forgive you, because you did the right thing for your people, and I forgive myself because I did the right thing for mine.”
The Commander stood silently for a while, unsure of what exactly to say. “It seems you have began your healing. How can I help?”
Clarke shrugged. “You invited me here that night, remember?”
“I remember everything about you, Clarke.” Lexa admitted almost too proudly.
Clarke smiled slightly. “Show me Polis, Heda.”
--
“Clarke?” Lexa called from the doorway of the room she assigned to her visitor.
“Come in.” The blonde was on the balcony, looking out over Polis.
Lexa entered and closed the door. “I forgot to discuss something with you after our outing today. Well, two things really.”
“Oh? What's that?” Clarke didn't turn around, instead choosing to look out at the landscape.
The brunette came to a stop at the railing, mirroring the blonde's position. “Well. First, your mother will be here tomorrow. I wasn't sure whether you were ready to return to your people yet.”
Clarke turned her head and met Lexa’s gaze. “Not yet. If it’s alright with you, I was hoping to say here in Polis a bit longer.”
Lexa nodded and gave her a very small smile. “Very well. Would you like to see her though? There is a rumor spreading rapidly that Wanheda was killed by a panther. I'm sure she would be grateful to hear from you.”
“I'll meet with her, but only her if you can manage it.”
“I am Heda, I can manage anything.” Lexa joked.
“Really?” Clarke rolled her eyes playfully. “What was the other thing?”
“In two weeks time I will be making my annual trip to the other clans. It usually lasts about four or five weeks. Since you are to stay here in Polis, I was wondering if you would possibly care to join me?” Clarke nodded eagerly.
“It should be an interesting trip. Azgeda wishes for me to bow before their queen. I am Heda, and bow to no one.”
--
“Thank you for your time, Heda.” Marcus Kane stated as he, Bellamy, Octavia and Abby prepared to leave the room. The meeting regarding trade had been a productive one and Skaikru was well on their way to earning their spot in the Coalition.
“You're welcome, Skaikru. Chancellor, may I have a moment alone with you?” Bellamy and Octavia, who still were distrusting of Lexa narrowed their eyes at her.
“Of course. You guys go ahead and head down to the city. I'll meet you shortly.” Abby instructed, moving back inside the meeting chamber. Everyone grumbled under their breath as they moved out. “Have you found her? Is she okay.”
Lexa rose from her seat. “I have and she is, physically. Emotional, she is… healing.” She strode across the room and slowly opened a door leading to the next room. Abby followed her with her eyes.
“Where do I find her? I need to see her-”
“Hi mom.” Clarke made her way into the meeting room and was quickly wrapped in a hug.
“Oh. My baby.” Abby pulled back with teary eyes and cupped her daughter's cheeks. “Let me look at you.”
“I'm okay mom.”
“How long have you been here?” Abby asked looking over to where Lexa had been but finding only empty space.
“I asked her to leave us alone. I've only been here since yesterday.”
Abby gave her a watery smile. “I was so worried.”
Clarke nodded. “I know, but I'm here now, I'm safe. And I. Um. I'm going to stay her for a little while. I'm not really ready to come back yet.”
Abby looked disappointed for a moment, but nodded anyway. “I am so proud of the person you are, the leader you've become. I love you.”
“I love you too, mom.”
--
“Okay, my turn. If you could have one food anytime you felt like it, what would it be?” Clarke looked up from the drawing to see Lexa patiently awaiting an answer.
“Hmm. I think it would be blueberries.” Lexa nodded as if to say her answer was acceptable. “If you had to choose one thing to do over again, what would it be?”
Lexa sighed softly. “The one thing I regret is not something I would be able to do differently if I had the chance.”
“What’s that?” Clarke eyed her curiously from where she sat in the small chair across from Lexa on the couch.
“Well, I regret that I broke your trust in me. Would not change my actions at the Mountain but I wish I could spare that.”
“I told you I forgive you.” Clarke offered genuinely. “Just please, don’t do it again.”
“Please stand up.” Lexa asked softly and Clarke tilted her head in confusion, but did as she was asked. Lexa knelt in front of her and looked up. “I swear fealty to you, Clarke kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people. I swear this on my title as Heda of Kongeda and on my life.”
The young blonde’s breath hitched in her throat as she watched the display of submission. She offered her hand, a silent gesture for Lexa to stand. When the brunette was fully upright, Clarke stepped into her space and closed the distance between their lips.
--
“Clarke, how was your riding session?” Lexa entered the room where Clarke was perched on a small stool in front of an easel. When she didn't receive an answer, she walked over to the blonde. The parchment was covered in vibrant blues and depicted the glowing butterfly field. “Clarke?”
“Oh. Hey. Sorry, I was really focused. Did you need something?”
“I asked how your riding session went. We leave for Azgeda in three days time.”
“Oh. It was okay. I am pretty confident now.” Clarke smiled. “Do you like it?”
“I do. It makes me wish to show you many other beautiful things on our trip, so you can recreate them. You are very talented.”
Clarke rose from the stool and stretched her limbs. She turned to find Lexa looking at her with what could only be described as adoration. “You know what else I'm fairly confident in?” She didn't give the Commander a chance to answer before she leaned in a pecked her on the lips. “I'm fairly confident there are better things we can be doing besides dancing around our feelings for one another.”
--
As they visited each clan, Clarke learned something new about being a leader, about herself and about Lexa.
While visiting the Broad leaf clan, she learned there is never enough time for everything, no matter how hard you try. She learned she really likes chicken and Lexa really like flowers.
In Rock Line she learned that good leaders can form solid friendships and still respect each other as their title warrants. She learned Lexa was really, really good with kids and that she hoped for peace to last for her lifetime so she can be the first Heda to have children. She also learned that she wanted that for Lexa too. In the Shallow Valley, she learned that not all requests made by others of their leader were reasonable. She learned that basket weaving was incredibly harder than it looked and that really really, really loved seeing Lexa smile. Even if it was at her own failure.
In Blue Cliff Clan she learned that language barriers were just that, barriers. They spoke a different dialect there and she understood very little. She learned that Lexa does this cute thing with her nose when she really doesn't like the food offered to her, and that if Lexa makes that face, she probably won't like the food either. While visiting the Plains Riders she learned that some people just down right sucked, and you have to figure out how to work with them anyway. She learned that she had been trying to ride her horse all wrong this whole time, and that Lexa could look graceful doing anything. She unexpectedly learned that Camp Jaha was now Arkadia, and they had found survivors from Farm Station, who refused to join their people’s settlement because of the trade relationship in place with the grounders.
In the Glowing Forest she learned how important it was to place the right people in charge. Lexa loved strawberries, and Clarke loved kissing Lexa after she ate said strawberries. In Delphi clan, Clarke saw how a significant age difference could affect leader interaction. She learned she did not like thunderstorms at all, but she did like how Lexa held her through them. Lexa liked it too.
While visiting the Lake People, she learned that sometimes being the one in charge means squashing interpersonal squabbles. Lexa had a lot of fun with those and reenacted them later that night while giggling uncontrollably. She decided that was her favorite version of Lexa. When they finally got to the Boat People, Clarke got a lesson on balancing priorities. Lexa really does not like not being on land. She has to agree with that.
In Azgeda, she learned that forgiveness and acceptance are two very different things. As a leader, you should be hyper aware of this. She also learned that sometimes, even Lexa can have an emotional breakdown. Clarke learned that night that she is a reciprocating crier. When they finally got to Trikru, Clarke was exhausted. She felt grimy and gross. While in TonDC though, she learned that sometimes it's okay to criticize another leader, respectfully of course. She learned Lexa had a younger sister, Beth, who died when Lexa was five. Clarke decided it was time she visit Arkadia.
--
It was eight weeks from the last time Clarke saw her mother until she and the Commander rode up to the gate. “Are you sure about this Lex?”
“I'm sure. Are you sure?”
Clarke sighed. “When I left here, I left as a monster who only brought them war and suffering.”
“You see it that way. I don't think they do.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.”
Lexa sighed. “Even if they did think those things, you aren't returning in such a manner. You are returning as a hero who brings them peace.”
“You bring them the promise of peace. I can promise nothing.”
“You are extremely stubborn, Skaiprisa.” Lexa sighed again. “Ai hod yu in.”
Clarke smiled softly. “I love you too, Lex.”
Lexa ordered the guard to hold as she and Clarke dismounted their horses and walked to the gate.
“Clarke!” Bellamy’s voice resonated through the air. “You're alive!”
Lexa and Clarke exchanged confused looks as he and a few others run toward the gate. He eagerly wrapped her in a hug lifting her off the ground, which caused Lexa to grow tense.
“Put me down Bell. I am happy to see you too.” He did as he was told. “Why wouldn't I be alive?”
“There's been a rumor circulating that you were killed by a panther like a month after you left.”
She looked to Lexa. “Really? That was never squashed?”
“You have been out of hiding for some time now. I don't know how word has not made it out to your people.” She shrugged.
Abby appeared then. “Clarke!”
“Mom!” Abby wrapped her in a hug and mouthed a thank you to Lexa, who nodded. She then turned and walked away.
“Where are you going?” Clarke yelled after her.
She stopped and turned back. “To tell the guards to make camp. I will be right back, hodnes.”
“Did she just-” Octavia’s question was cut off by Lincoln's hand covering her mouth.
“So, Clarke. Where have you been this whole time?” Bellamy questioned, crossing his arms over his chest.
“First, I was in the forest for about six weeks. Then Polis for two. Then I accompanied the Commander on a tour of the twelve clans for the past six.”
“You've been with the Commander for eight weeks and no one thought to tell us?”
“I knew.” Abby admitted. “That's why I was asked to stay behind in the last visit. That's why I shut down your search parties for her. She didn't want to return here yet, and I didn't need you all brooding about it.”
“So in the past three and a half months we've been here, building our society, what have you been doing?” Bellamy, who was now obviously angry at being out of the loop, nearly growled.
“Healing.” Clarke shrugged. “And learning. I learned a lot on our visits to the other clans.”
“You’ve basically been on vacation? I pulled that lever too Clarke, I didn’t run from my responsibilities.” Bellamy raised his voice.
“It wasn’t your idea. You weren’t responsible for that choice. You physically pulled it, but it wouldn’t have even been an option if it wasn’t for me.” She squared her shoulders, like she had seen Lexa do so many times over the past eight weeks when confronted by another leader. “It wasn’t a vacation. And you clearly didn’t need me here.”
“We’ve made progress yes. But we did need you. I needed you.”
“What about what I needed!” She shouted. “Why does everything have to fall to me? Why do I have to help you heal? Why do I have to do everything? Why don’t I get to grieve?” She punctuated each sentence with a shove. She watched as his eyes softened at her words, obviously hearing the pain behind them. She turned toward the gate to make a break for it, but collided with a strong body instead.
Lexa leveled a glare at Bellamy before returning soft eyes to Clarke and whispering. “Are you okay, hodnes?”
“Sha. Mochof, niron.”
“Do you need a moment?” Clarke nodded and Lexa moved past her to Abby. “I would like to discuss a few important matters with you, Chancellor.”
“Of course, Commander. Follow me.”
--
“So that’s it. There is a ceremony to welcome us as the thirteenth clan.” Abby explained her meeting with Lexa to the leaders amongst them.
“The other clans are okay with this?” Kane asked hopefully.
Abby sighed. “A few of them are apprehensive, but it seems Clarke wasn’t just some bystander on the trip she and Lexa took. She held meetings with each clan, got to see their land, their resources. She knows our tech and knowledge base, so there is a baseline for trade already established.”
“What’s the catch?”
“There is no catch.” Clarke announced from the doorway pulling everyone’s attention. “However, if Pike and his group continue to be hostile, Lexa could set a kill order. You attack one clan, you attack them all. Right now, they have wounded twenty three Trikru and killed four. She won’t let it go on much longer, and if you help them in any way, that would be a betrayal to the coalition.”
Abby nodded solemnly. “Also, Clarke will be acting as the Ambassador for us in Polis, which she has been doing anyway for the past two months. I see no need to change that now.”
Bellamy looked at her with surprise. “You aren’t staying here?” She shook her head.
“It was my idea and for now, that’s what I feel is best.” Abby looked to Octavia. “She will need a guard. I have cleared up the matter of Lincoln’s kill order with the Commander. She assures me that if you accept my offer, you both will be treated well in Polis.” Octavia nodded once.
“Is that true, Clarke?” Raven asked curiously with a raised brow and a smirk from her seat. “Are you treated well in Polis?”
“I am because it’s Polis. If you’re implying that it’s Lexa who treats me well because we are in a relationship, well, you’re not wrong.”
--
Many issues came to pass in the time when Lexa kom Trikru served as Heda. Broken alliances, new threats from outside lands, sickness, drought and a radiation event. Clarke and Lexa survived it all side by side. In fact, they celebrated a union ceremony two summers after they met. Lexa was the first Heda to be married. They even raised two adopted children from a Trikru village. They lived long lives and after Clarke passed, Lexa lived only hours more. Her spirit chose wisely in the new Commander, her grandson Alex kom Tri and Skai, who carried on her legacy of peace.