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The clock ticks 4,627 times before the door jingles again, quite possibly the last customer of the night. It's late, cold, and storming. Not very promising conditions as far as a sales outlook go, but when the man steps in, Sehun's grateful for the distraction. He had cleaned everything in the lobby and kitchen around tick 3,943.
It's been a long day.
"Hi." The owner of the voice like honey looks soft... Kind. But Sehun can't stop staring at the mismatched buttons on his wool coat.
"Hello." Sehun says polite, tapping his right index finger against the counter three times when he approaches it, waiting for the customer to state their order. "What would you like, sir?" He says after three ticks.
"Oh, uh..." The man, with wide doe-like eyes, looks up to the menu, "well, I'm not really sure. This is my first time here, I'm waiting for my friend, what would you suggest?"
Sehun's on his fourteenth run through of the menu since he began working there, 378 days prior. And since it's listed item number 14's day, Sehun recommends it easily. "I find the Green tea frap to be one of the best in town. Even better than at Starbucks." He's not lying. He knows this cafe's drinks down to a science. He does make them and drink them, after all.
"Ah, it's kind of cold for a frappuccino, isn't it?"
Sehun had thought so, too, but he has a routine. He never breaks it. "Would you like a regular hot green tea, then?" He asks patiently, a small smile on his face.
"Sure, make it your biggest size, please." The customer smiles. Sehun nods and enters it into the system, charging correctly and running the man's card.
Everything Sehun does comes in threes. Three taps, three second pauses, three quick steps to the machine. Three, three, three. He understands its absurdity, how can he function like this? What if it were four steps to the machine? Or if a recipe called for five scoops of sugar?
Three plus one. Three plus two. Not four. Not five.
He functions differently, but he's not insane. What's insane is expecting someone to act a certain way without even knowing them.
Three plus one minutes later, Sehun sets the hot tea down for the customer to take, a smile on his face. Their hands brush and Sehun jerks it away, bowing his head politely. He waits three seconds after the man has turned away to wash his hands, trying not to seem rude. Even if within those three seconds, Sehun's hand feels like it is on fire.
He washes a total of 30 seconds. Ten sets of three's. One, two, three. One, two, three....
Obsessive compulsive, is what the doctors had called it. Prescribed him medicine so he could function well enough to get a job and continue school. It took a while to find the right one, and even longer to find the right combination. One pill wasn't a cure all for Sehun. It never is. Even the ones he has now, for the moment, don't make Sehun into a 'normal' human being. They only took the edge off his anxiety when he messed up or when he touched something without being able to wash his skin. Helped him to not spend one hour on simple tasks like brushing his teeth just to make sure it was done the exact right way. This myriad of medications works better than anything else Sehun has tried. He is sick of looking, so he deals with it.
They didn't get rid of the incessant ticking in his head, marking seconds and hours. He still felt the need to count and perfect routines, clean unnecessarily.
His boss praises how his drinks are consistent and delicious. He says the shop never looks cleaner than when Sehun is on shift. And even if Suho complains how his customer service could be better, Sehun is, at least, still employed.
Tomorrow, he meets with his new psychologist, the one who he will start his rational emotive behavior therapy with. Sehun is not looking forward to this.
It's late when Sehun makes it home. Three times three plus one o'clock at night. Suho understands how Sehun needs to be employed, but also doesn't do well with many people around. Which is why he is on closing shifts with Zitao, sometimes Jongin. It works better with Sehun trying to go to college, too.
Even though Sehun is half convinced he won't be able to function properly enough to actually make it in the real world- outside the coffee shop Suho has somehow molded to fit Sehun's world. And outside of the one morning class he takes and the handful of internet courses.
Even if he went through with being a teacher- math specifically- how could he teach students when it was hard even to say a number without breaking it down into sequences of three's and two's?
Sehun knows his daily life is completely irrational and unproductive, but he can't help it.
He hopes that, after he takes off his shoes- left foot first, and completes his nightly routine, including preparing a breakfast parfait for the morning (yogurt, oats, and six blueberries exactly, same as every morning), despite not being overtly excited about the new therapy, it would help.
Sehun wants to give his therapist- Dr. Han, a fair chance.
-
Sehun had searched three plus one days for the perfect alarm clock. One with green digital numbers, dials for the volume and radio settings and, most importantly, a buzzer than sounded in quick successions of threes when it rang. It starts each morning out right, he presses the wake button four times, pauses and takes three seconds to reflect on his mistake before pressing it three times, slower now so he doesn't end up repeating the same scenario over and over.
It has happened before with growing amounts of frustration between each try. Those were always Sehun's bad days.
Sehun has good days and bad days. On good days, he wakes up, he brushes, flosses, and rinses his teeth for exactly three minutes each. His hair is combed one, two, three, move to the next section. One, two, three times. He trades in his plain white tee shirt for a polo shirt of various colors in the summer, a long sleeve collared button up in the winter. His black and white plaid pajama bottoms (he has seven pairs exactly the same) are traded in for plain black slacks. Or jeans if he is feeling adventurous.
He washes his face. Three swirls of soap on his cheeks, three on his forehead, nose, and chin. Three splashes of water. Three pats dry. Three pats dry. Three pats dry.
He counts the steps (35. Eleven sets of three plus two) to the kitchen, and takes his parfait from the fridge. He eats and takes his pills with three gulps of water.
His morning continues how it always does. How it always should be and Sehun makes it to his 9AM class with little anxiety. Though it still remains, obviously. On his good days, he can manage.
On his bad days, however, he can't manage even from the moment his alarm buzzes to wake him.
If it is a bad day, Sehun slams the snooze. He wakes a second time and realizes he must hit the snooze two more times. He tried, once, to just wake from one snooze, and it had itched at the back of his brain all day.
He is late, routine off. And he ends up rushing. But when you have to have a certain way everything needs to be done, rushing makes everything worse. He has to repeat his hair ritual over when he only brushed two strokes on one section of hair before moving on. His hands shake as he pours the water to take his medication and he spills it everywhere.
He drops a messy blueberry down his light pink dress shirt and has to change. Not only his shirt, but his whole outfit.
Days like this, Sehun fights to concentrate on counting his steps and keeping himself from screaming or crying in frustration.
He hates these days. He wants to just stay home these days.
Today, the day where Sehun meets Dr. Han for the first time, starts out like one of those days. Maybe it's the anxiety of his routine breaking and meeting a new person. Sehun thinks that is it. It's Dr. Han's fault. It's Dr. Han and his 11 AM every Tuesday's fault.
Sehun, after leaving the house half an hour late and muttering his step count under his breath and winding up eight short after trying his hardest to keep his stride the same as always, arrives to class only two minutes later than usual. He skipped on coffee from the school's canteen. Self serve.
He didn't get his three cream three sugar with three sets of three stirs in a clockwise motion coffee this morning. He knows he will feel the fatigue soon.
Sehun feels frustration bubble in his chest as he sees one of the students sitting in his seat. The seat he always sits in even if it is not assigned. This boy should know better. Sehun does not know what to say to the guy sitting in his seat, however, in order to get his seat back. Any reasons Sehun can think of just sounds silly and absurd to Sehun.
"Hey. Can my friend and I sit there? I have an eye condition, I need to be in this spot." A voice sounds from beside Sehun and he very nearly relaxes visibly in relief. Jongin.
"Yeah, sure. Sorry man." The man collects his stuff and moves, along with his friend. Jongin smiles at Sehun and motions at him to sit.
Sehun does so with a sigh and a grateful smile in return. "Thank you." Jongin understands Sehun. And even when Sehun never asked him to, Jongin always watches out for him. Doesn't touch unexpectedly and always reminds Sehun about his breathing exercises when he gets overwhelmed. Jongin has been his friend since elementary, before Sehun's issues had really started to develop.
Well, before they started to affect his life negatively. He always used to wash his hands a lot. He always preferred distance. Always talked a little strange.
Jongin had been his friend anyway. Ever since the Monday afternoon Sehun didn't have a lunch and Jongin shared his.
Sehun realizes how valuable Jongin is to his life, but he often can't find the words or gestures enough to show it. Sehun believes Jongin understands.
Jongin knows about Sehun's appointment with Dr. Han. He reminds Sehun that he has Jongin's phone number if he needs it and that Dr. Han is going to help him.
"But, if you feel like he isn't the right fit, you can find a new therapist. Like how you had to get a new one after Dr. Pak tried to take you off the only med that worked for you."
Sehun did not like Dr. Pak. Dr. Pak was convinced Sehun just needed exercise and sun. Sehun walks everywhere, he isn't sure how much more of each he could have gotten.
Sehun nods stiffly, exiting the classroom with Jongin. Class seemed to have been quicker than before. Sehun feels a little dizzy. Nerves.
"Do you think..." Sehun begins, still expecting Jongin to say no to anything he asks. He lowers his head and tries his best not to stutter. "Would you be okay with giving me a ride to his office? It's not far, I just." Sehun isn't sure how to put into words what he is feeling.
"Yeah." Sehun misses the fond look on Jongin's face. "Of course I can help you out, Sehun."
"Thank you very much, Jongin." Sehun responds in his usual formal tone. Even after all these years, Sehun remains polite. He remains polite with everyone.
"Do you want a bubble tea before you go?" Jongin asks, knowing that Sehun can't really resist.
"Yes, please." Sehun smiles, and since it isn't often that Jongin sees Sehun's smile, he can't help but smile back.
Things have calmed down since the morning. The times he messed up and how late he ran is mostly forgotten for the moment. Sehun thanks the bubble tea. Even though it is most definitely not routine.
The tea is sweet. Jongin and Sehun make small talk, but since Jongin can tell that Sehun is nervous, twice as anxious as usual, and perhaps a bit exhausted, he doesn't pressure Sehun to talk.
Jongin understands. Sehun values his existence.
By the time Sehun makes it to Dr. Han's office, he is fifteen minutes early and he fills out the small mountain of paperwork that comes with a new doctor.
The receptionist glances at the completed paper, then back up at Sehun with raised eyebrows. She doesn't comment on his nearly typewriter perfect handwriting.
Sehun wishes he hadn't sent Jongin off. He needs a familiar face.
At exactly 11AM, Sehun grows impatient, ticking the seconds with his foot lightly on the hardwood floor of the waiting room.
Dr. Han's assistant is late. Dr. Han is late.
11:02 AM and, finally, "Oh? Oh Sehun?" Is called. It's ridiculous, he's the only one waiting. He stands and gives the front of his pants three quick swipes and continues forward.
"Dr. Han is ready for you, I will walk you to his office." She says. Sehun chews on his lip and nods.
"You were late." Is what Sehun can't help but begin with when he steps into Dr. Han's office, after the assistant left but before he even looks at the doctor.
There is a chuckle, and then a soft voice like honey. Sehun blinks. He guesses this is a familiar face. Kind of. "I'm sorry, Sehun. It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm Dr. Han." The doctor steps forward and offers a hand for Sehun to shake.
Sehun stares at the hand blankly. The Doctor withdrawls it quickly.
"I have a lot to learn about you, Sehun, but I hope you will be patient."
"Did you like the green tea?" Is the question Sehun blurts out and Dr. Han looks perhaps a little lost for a moment, but then. Smile.
"Yes, it was a lovely tea. I shouldn't be surprised you remembered me. But I am."
Sehun nods, and sits up a bit straighter on the long leather couch. Another therapist with a couch. Sehun always sits as straight as an arrow, eyes on the carpet and hands on his knees. He can't even begin to conjure up a scenario where he would be comfortable with lying on a couch that several strangers have sat on.
"So, Sehun. The first thing I want you to be certain of is that I will not be making any changes to your medications unless you think it would be a good idea." Dr. Han begins. "I trust your judgement on what works for you and that you have found a good medication combination."
It's the first time Sehun has heard this. He was nearly positive that Doctors only were paid based on how many scripts they filled.
"Second is that, no matter what, unless I fear for yours or anyone else's safety, I will not release any information about you to anyone else."
Sehun is used to that one. It's a law, isn't it?
"Next time, will you not be late?" Sehun often can't focus on more than one thing. His foot taps in quick threes nervously.
"Yes. I can promise next time I won't be late. Since I was late, do you want to stay over the time you missed?"
Sehun stares at the ground for a while, debating. Two minutes extra would make it a complete, rounded hour. Two minutes extra would also have him leaving at an odd time.
"I..." he begins and licks over his lips. "I will leave at my normal time."
Sehun hears the scribbles. He glances up. Dr. Han looks nice. He is handsome and soft. Not like the stern and intimidating doctors and therapists he is used to.
"I want to run over with you, again, what rational emotive behavior therapy is." Dr. Han begins again after his scribbles have died down.
----
Sehun's first meeting with Dr. Han is... much like any other new therapist appointment he has ever had. Dr. Han is Sehun's third one. That fact scares him and brings a certain balance to his life. He has a good feeling about him, though.
He wants to tell Jongin as much, but his social bank is depleted for the day, his anxiety making him feel exhausted. It has been a long day.
Sehun sends Jongin a text with three of the same emoji. Thumbs up.
Jongin sends three smiles in return.
Sehun has the day off of work. He spends it at home, finishing up class work for his online courses, eating lunch, and taking a long and rejuvenating shower. Jongin stops by after and makes Sehun dinner.
He takes his shoes off by the entryway and slips on the house slippers. He swipes his slippers against the rug three times. He knows how Sehun does it and mimics it. Jongin's efforts put Sehun at ease.
Sehun always eats the same things so it is easy for Jongin to prepare it for him. They don't talk, because Jongin understands that Sehun is exhausted.
The bibimbap Jongin prepares has all of Sehun's favorites. Of course it does. It always does.
Sehun breaks the silence only to thank Jongin. He adds another warm smile. Jongin and Sehun make a good team, Sehun thinks. They know each other well, and know when to keep their talking to a minimum. They still talk and laugh, but Tuesdays are the days that Jongin knows Sehun prefers silence.
Back when Sehun was just shy of seventeen, Jongin had kissed him. Sehun was a lot worse with physical contact then, surprisingly, and jerked away, hand slapping over his lips. It was when Sehun has a lot worse at controlling and concealing his impulses.
He scrubbed at his lips and Jongin never tried it again. He didn't even get a chance to explain what the kiss meant. Sehun doesn't understand it as meaning anything.
Sehun was just shy of seventeen and the worst of his problems hadn't even began then. Sehun believes that Jongin never tried again because, well, who would want to kiss someone who counts by threes and won't step on cracks in sidewalks.
Sehun doesn't feel ashamed of himself or disappointed in Jongin. He understands that, even if Jongin looks after him, it doesn't mean he has to have feelings for him. Jongin is his friend. Sehun is Jongin's friend.
They understand each other. And each other's limits.
Sehun is 23 now, and he sometimes remembers how soft Jongin's lips had been. But he knows Jongin doesn't deserve someone who he cannot physically touch.
They eat in silence, and it is comfortable.
----
"Sehun," Dr. Han begins. It's their second session. Sehun is waiting for the behavioral therapy to begin. It has not yet. Dr. Han reassures Sehun he wants to be sure to make the treatment as effective as possible so he must learn the boy first. "Do you know why you are stuck on the number three?"
It's such a loaded question, one Sehun isn't sure he would like to talk about right now. Sehun stares at Dr. Han contemplatively.
"When I was younger, I had three days." Sehun says, but then presses his lips together. Dr. Han is a therapist, Sehun is supposed to trust him with this. Is supposed to help him. "Three days of hiding. And then I could go about freely again."
Dr. Han looks confused. Sehun didn't expect him to understand. "My father drank every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. During the rest of the days, he would be the perfect citizen. A perfect father." Sehun shook his head and stared at the floor.
Dr. Han is quiet, he's not even scribbling.
It is quiet for a few more moments before Dr. Han quietly says, "do you believe your OCD is trauma-induced?"
"Yes." Sehun nods, still looking at the ground. "The anxiety, no. But the OCD yes. I would chant to myself. Three more days. Count down the minutes. Seconds. If I did this at this certain time I could escape my fathers eyes. His hands."
It's deep. It's only the second session. Sehun trusts Dr. Han. Dr. Han is nice. Sehun likes Dr. Han's eyes.
"Why don't you believe the anxiety is?"
"Well, the trauma certainly didn't help, but even before mom left and my dad became an alcoholic, I had always shown symptoms. I've only had one friend since grade school."
"Oh? Who might this be? Let's talk about your friend."
Sehun blinks. None of his other therapists have asked about Jongin. He was only 26 minutes and 17 seconds to the session.
Sehun would need a lot more than that to talk about Jongin. "Uhm, what would you like to know?"
"Anything. Start from the beginning." Dr. Han encourages softly. Sehun likes his softness.
"When my father first started to get bad, he often forgot to pack my lunches. Most times, I'd throw in something like a granola bar or whatever I could reach from the counters. Except when there wasn't even any food at home. One time, Jongin shared his. Even though the rest of the kids thought I was weird for not talking as much, and made fun of my lisp. Jongin was kind." Sehun picks at a piece of skin hanging from the side of his thumb. It's winter and he needs to start moisturizing more.
"From the first time, he always brought extra for me in his lunches." Sehun doesn't like talking about this meeting because it usually gets him emotional. "Jongin has always understood. He will make a great doctor one day. That's what he is going to do, you know. Be a doctor. Jongin made sure that at recess, I wasn't alone. Even when he had other friends to play with, he always split his time for me. I never did anything fun. I just sat on the bench. There were too many kids on the playground." Sehun pauses yet again, he hasn't heard Dr. Han's pen scratches in a little while.
"He even helps me when my routine is broken. He helps me fix it. And asks people to move from my seat because he has an eye condition. Jongin doesn't even wear glasses." Sehun bites his lip and goes quiet suddenly, eyebrows furrowing. He peels the skin from his thumb off. Blood bubbles up. His heart rate speeds.
"Sehun? Is something wrong?" Dr. Han says softly. Sehun looks up and around. He shakes his head three times. Pauses. Nods three times. Dr. Han notices his hand and grabs baby wipes and bandaids from his desk drawer across the room.
"Dr. Han..?" Sehun says after quietly dressing his wound. It works. For now. Sehun doesn't have his usual things. "For what reason would someone want to kiss someone else?"
Dr. Han takes a second to look appropriately shocked, then, a soft smile. Sehun likes how he smiles a lot. "Do you want to kiss Jongin?"
"No." Sehun says automatically, "But, one time, Jongin kissed me."
"Ah." Dr. Han's smile is still there. "Why didn't you ask Jongin?"
Sehun frowns. That is not the answer Sehun wanted to hear. It was a question. Questions aren't supposed to be answered with more questions. Especially not a question Sehun didn't want to think about.
"Jongin shouldn't have to deal with taking care of me his whole life." Sehun mumbled and looked down. Eyes on the floor. Always on the floor.
Dr. Han scribbles again. "I don't think Jongin considers you a burden, if that's what you're implying."
Sehun changes the subject. Dr. Han goes along with it. The sessions ends, but the question still remains inside of Sehun's brain. Why did Jongin kiss him? Why did Jongin only kiss him once and then never again?
Jongin stops by at exactly 4:30pm again, like he usually does when Sehun has had a therapy session. Dr. Han's question is still bugging Sehun. It shouldn't be.
He has never asked Jongin about where he stands in Jongin's life. A friend, brother, something more? Jongin stays quiet, as if he senses how tense and exhausted Sehun feels. He always needs time to sort out his thoughts again after therapy.
Jongin understands. Sehun values his existence. "Dr. Han is a good therapist." Sehun says, sitting at the chair in the middle of the table. Jongin stops chopping vegetables for his bibimbap.
"You know after only two sessions?" Jongin's voice isn't sharp or disbelieving. It's an honest question.
"He asked about you. No one ever asks about you." Sehun's heart is going wild, he doesn't look at Jongin to see yet another tender smile melt Jongin's sharp features. Sehun picks at his fingers.
"Sehun, you shouldn't pick at your skin." Jongin reminds him gently. Always gently. Jongin is very gentle. Sehun lays his hands down flat on the table. Oh yeah. Skin picking is bad.
---
"Sehun, this session is the session I want to be our last before we start the behavioral therapy, do you understand?" Dr. Han begins with once Sehun has sat down and is comfortable on his couch.
Three sessions. Sehun sighs in content and nods. "I also have a request, and it is perfectly fine if you don't feel comfortable with it."
Sehun looks at Dr. Han, silently telling him to go on.
"Since Jongin is a big part of your life, I would like him to meet with me. With us. To discuss continuing our practices outside of this office."
Sehun tenses. Jongin has never met any of Sehun's therapists before. Sehun has barely even talked about them. Sensing his impending panic, Dr. Han raises a hand. "No is a perfectly acceptable answer. You can always think about it. I don't need an answer today. Or even next week. But I think Jongin would be a nice, healthy addition to your behavioral therapy."
Sehun nods stiffly, fists clenched on his knees.
"Let's talk about your routine, Sehun." Dr. Han lets out after allowing Sehun time to recover. "Starting when you wake up."
Sehun's routine relaxes him. Reciting it takes a little while, so he can get all the details correct. It was like this that morning and will be again all the other mornings.
"How do you handle a change in routine? What if your alarm goes off and you hit snooze?"
Sehun frowns, mind automatically flashing back to the morning of his and Dr. Han's first session. He retells that morning, and includes the frustration he had felt. And how Jongin helped him. Dr. Han nods, pen scratching against the paper every now and then. Dr. Han needs pens that write smoother.
--
Jongin is quiet and careful when he is in Sehun's home, but he is calming. Warm. Always there with steadfast protection. Like a sun. Sehun stares down at his kitchen table.
"Dr. Han wants to add you into my therapy." He says quietly once Jongin has already set the prepared bowl of bibimbap in front of him.
Jongin's eyebrows shoot up. He sits in front of his own bowl before commenting. "Do you think that would be a good idea?"
"I don't know." Sehun flushes. His stomach churns uncomfortably. "His reasoning was sound, but I just... I don't want you to think I'm a freak. It's different to just know I'm in therapy than seeing it happen right before your eyes." He says the words before he has a chance to stop and rethink them.
"Sehun." Jongin's voice takes on a stern tone. It shocks Sehun into looking up at him. He's never had this tone of Jongin's directed at him before. "I could never, would never, think you were a freak. You're you. And I'm happy for that."
Sehun feels a rush of emotion, unable to decipher them all as they swirl around his skin and brain. It tingles. Sehun looks down again, ears burning.
"That said, I also don't want you to do anything you are uncomfortable with."
"This whole therapy will start stuff I am uncomfortable with." Sehun mutters, poking his now cooled food with his fork. He takes a bite. Jongin's cooking is always so delicious.
--
Dr. Han greets him personally in the lobby the next time they meet. Sehun stills, eyes suspicious. This can't be good. "Before we enter my office, Sehun, I want to ask you something."
Sehun nods slowly.
"Will you leave your numbers out here? Just leave them here. You can do that, right?"
Sehun purses his lips and shakes his head. Dr. Han kneels in front of Sehun. "I'm not letting you in my office until you leave the numbers out here." Sehun shoots him a glare. "We will have our session out here."
Sehun contemplates just pretending he can do what Dr. Han is asking of him, but that would get him nowhere. And, more than anything, Sehun wants this therapy to work. He wants to be able to live a more carefree life. Not confined in two's and three's and ticks of a clock inside his head.
He closes his eyes, tries to clear his mind. His eyebrows furrow. The ticking doesn't stop.
Dr. Han encourages him, offers suggestions, but nothing seems to be working. The more Sehun concentrates on not doing something, the louder the ticking gets.
It's hard, but he persists. He can do it.
--
Sehun is even more exhausted than his previous sessions. Jongin notices and perhaps stays a little quieter when preparing their dinner. "How was it?" Jongin finally asks when he has given Sehun enough time to process. Their food sits in front of them, cooling down.
"Hard." He whispers. "He made me leave the numbers in the lobby." Sehun's hands are folded neatly in his lap. He's too tense for even his nervous skin picking. "It was very hard."
"Could you do it?"
"Yes... after 42 minutes and 39 seconds." Sehun's voice is still low. "He said I should try leaving the numbers at home one day this week."
"You did it once, you can do it again." Jongin reassures. He's so confident in Sehun. Sehun nods slowly three times. They eat in silence.
At six o'clock, Jongin stays with Sehun and watches the news. It's awful, the stories. And the weather looks bleak, too. It's getting even colder. Sehun does not like winter. Soon there will be snow.
Sehun fears for the effectiveness of this new therapy. He feels so low that despite absolutely loathing being touched, Sehun craves physical reassurance. When this happens, which has only been a handful of times before, Jongin is always there. Right now, with Sehun feeling really shaken up, he wants Jongin to pat his head. Hug him. Something.
Sehun shifts closer to Jongin, and lowers his head until his forehead hits Jongin's shoulder. The rest of his body is still an appropriate distance away from Jongin, just in case he does not want to entertain Sehun's attention seeking. But, of course Jongin does. He always does. Jongin's hand softly pats Sehun's head, fingers running through dark locks. It soothes Sehun.
And because it is Jongin, who Sehun would trust with his life, he moves until their sides are pressed together and relaxes. Jongin is warm.
Jongin understands him and Sehun values his existence.
Sehun thinks about Jongin's soft lips again. "Jongin?" Sehun begins quietly, still unsure if he actually wants to be heard or not.
"Yes?" Jongin answers just as softly.
"Will you come to therapy with me?" Jongin's familiar comfort would work wonderfully to keep Sehun at ease. He thinks. It might turn into a disaster. It might ruin a lot of things.
Sehun trusts Jongin with his life.
Jongin's hand runs through his hair then drops to his shoulder and gives him a squeeze. "Of course I will."
--
It is two more sessions of Sehun trying to leave the numbers in the lobby before he gets it down. Mostly. It at least gets easier. Dr. Han, delighted with Sehun's decision, invites Jongin in on his seventh ever session to start on another behavior.
"Physical touch." Dr. Han states after he has been introduced to Jongin. Handshake and all. Sehun sits a cushion length away from Jongin. "Jongin, I invited you here because I wanted someone Sehun trusts to initiate physical contact."
"Jongin and I touch all the time." Sehun blurts, perhaps a little panicked. He doesn't want this. Dr. Han levels him with a look. He doesn't want to do it, but he knows he needs it.
"You are always the one to initiate, Sehun." Jongin states, looking a bit apologetic that he has to deliver the news. "And it's rare."
Sehun knows this. So he doesn't feel betrayed at Jongin ratting him out to Dr. Han. "It will be easier if it is Jongin, won't it? He's your best friend. I could try, but in order to keep you more at ease, it should really be someone you trust."
"I trust you." Sehun isn't lying, but he bites his lip and debates on actually finishing. "But you're right, I trust Jongin more. Way more. No offense."
"Absolutely none taken." Dr. Han says, sounding a bit amused. Sehun wonders what is so funny. "Jongin, Sehun, are you ready?"
Jongin nods, Sehun takes a few beats before nodding as well. He isn't really ready, but he knows he needs to try. "We will start small. Jongin, will you take hold of Sehun's hand, please. Whenever we want."
Sehun's heart picks up. He thinks of all the times he has wanted to reach out and hold Jongin's hand for comfort and reassurance. For warmth. He had always held back because it seems so intimate, amongst everything else.
Sehun stares at Jongin, who has scooted closer to him on the couch. Sehun can't control the way his hand jerks away at the first unexpected brush of fingers against his wrist. Only Dr. Han notices the flash of hurt in Jongin's eyes.
--
Two more sessions of touch therapy and Sehun needs a break. He felt so after the second, but he needed a third. It was important. Three.
"We can have three more sessions of just talk therapy, then. If you wish." Dr. Han suggests at the beginning of his tenth session with Dr. Han. "We can talk about how you're doing do far. I, personally, think you're progressing wonderfully, Sehun. It's remarkable."
Sehun's ears burn hot at the compliment. He stares down at the floor.
"How do you feel about your progress?"
"I feel like I am doing okay. I still need to do more at home and away from therapy."
"Are you getting better?" Dr. Han asks.
"I don't feel any different. But I feel proud of myself when I can succeed in a task you've given me. No matter how many times I've done it."
"I've got you something." Dr. Han says and straightens before standing and walking over to his desk. "In an effort to help with your skin picking issues." Dr. Han presents him with a box.
With furrowed eyebrows, Sehun reads over the package. "Fidget cube?"
"Open it." Dr. Han instructs. "It's a new device to help anxiety. There's buttons to push, switches to flip, dials to turn. It'll keep your hands occupied without you having to think about it."
Sehun opens the box and pulls out the device inside. He toggles and turns. There is even a smooth, grooved side he runs his thumb over.
"I like it." Sehun says without being prompted. Dr. Han voices his happiness over Sehun's satisfaction.
"Jongin suggested it."
Sehun looks up at Dr. Han, confused. "Then, why didn't Jongin give me it?"
Dr. Han shouldn't be smiling like he is. "Why don't you ask Jongin that question?"
The way Dr. Han encourages Sehun to communicate more of his questions with Jongin should be annoying. It should make Sehun not want to come back to Dr. Han's office. But it doesn't. It only gives confidence that he can ask Jongin these questions. Like he's been given permission to do so now that someone else thinks it would be a good idea to just communicate with Jongin.
They communicate, of course, but nothing like that. It would be kind of like a therapy session between two friends.
--
Sehun has a lot of questions to ask Jongin, it seems. But none of them he is really that brave enough to. Not even about the cube he now is using all the time instead of picking at his fingers.
Sehun rolls the cube on the table in front of them, glancing at Jongin to see if he reacts. He hadn't told Jongin he has it. Not for the three weeks he has been using it.
Jongin is staring at the cube. Sehun can't read his emotions. Which isn't unusual, Sehun does not do well with empathy.
"That is an interesting device."
"Dr. Han told me you told him about it." The words tumble out of Sehun's mouth before he has a chance to stop them. Maybe he doesn't want to.
Jongin doesn't look guilty or upset. He just looks... happy. "I'm glad he got it for you, then."
"Why didn't you get it for me?" Once more, Sehun's brain is working against him and telling his mouth to say things without his permission.
"I'm not sure if you'd accept a gift from me." Jongin admits. It's the first time Sehun is seeing Jongin as anything less than the strong and steady pillar he has always been by Sehun's side. He looks doubtful and unsure.
Sehun is shaken by it. "Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't want to pressure you." Jongin looks down, into his cooling bibimbap. "Or to make you feel like you owe me."
In all the years they've known each other, they've never once exchanged gifts. Sehun realizes and frowns. "Pressure me to do what?"
Jongin shakes his head. "To get me anything." Sehun has an odd feeling Jongin isn't telling the truth. But he trusts Jongin with his life, so he takes Jongin's word.
"I want to say thank you, only. I understand that you don't want me to give you something in return. But, thank you. This thing is... Amazing. I haven't picked at my skin in eight days, three hours, and 52 minutes."
Jongin smiles, "good. I'm glad." He says and begins eating. Sehun follows suit. With one question answered so easily and without complication, Sehun can't help but think that maybe the other ones will be answered the same way.
In a perfect world, maybe. But Sehun's world is far from perfect.
--
Sehun has only ever called Jongin once before directly after a therapy session in distress before. In the three years Sehun has been in therapy.
Today, Sehun is close to panicking, the topic of his session perhaps just a bit too raw. Too triggering. He hasn't ever opened up to any of his therapists like that. To anyone. Not even Jongin knows what he went through. Not completely.
Jongin doesn't know the extent of the beatings, or the time his father nearly drowned him in the kitchen sink for leaving two dirty bowls in there. Doesn't know how he had to get three staples in his head for the time is father had threw a picture frame at him.
His mother's picture had ended up covered in blood.
Reliving the experiences again after so many years, Sehun is shaking.
Dr. Han waits with Sehun in the lobby for Jongin, patting his knee, trying to keep him from standing and pacing. Dr. Han suggests they take a break. It's the last of his three sessions of talk therapy anyway.
Sehun nods quickly and accidentally does four. He nods again. Three times. "I'll cancel your next three appointments." Dr. Han suggests as Sehun starts rocking in his chair. Sehun nods again. "Do you have your cube?"
Sehun knows Dr. Han is trying to redirect his focus. Sehun pulls the cube from his coat pocket and rubs the smooth side. "You did very well today, Sehun. I'm very proud of you." Dr. Han says, offering Sehun a kind smile.
Just then, a bell chimes and Sehun's eyes shoot to the door. Jongin. With his familiar, comforting warmth and worried eyes. Sehun runs to him. His arms are tight around Jongin and his face buried in his chest before he has a chance to think about it otherwise.
There is a slight pause, he probably paralyzed Jongin from shock, before his best friend holds him back. A hand even cradles the back of Sehun's head.
Jongin always holds Sehun like this whenever he gets the chance to. Protective. Encompassing. "Sehun did very well today. He did amazing." Dr. Han steps over to the two. Jongin is stroking down the length of Sehun's back. Comforting. Nice, kind touches after vividly reliving the bad.
"I'm proud of you, Sehun." Jongin murmurs. Sehun remains hunched and quivering in his arms. "Would you like to leave yet?"
Sehun shakes his head and keeps standing exactly in place. Dr. Han excuses himself. It takes another six minutes for Sehun to pull away, eyes red and cheeks flushed. He doesn't say anything, but Jongin knows and walks him out to his car anyway.
When Jongin makes it to Sehun's apartment, despite it not being routine, much like everything that has happened within the last hour and a half, Sehun asks Jongin to come inside. He doesn't want to be alone. But he doesn't say that.
Jongin understands. Sehun values his existence.
Jongin makes Sehun's lunch for him. It's always pork belly with a three egg omelet. Onions, seaweed, tomatoes, and cheese.
Sehun eats slowly, not really hungry but he knows he needs to eat. It's routine. "I'm proud of you, Sehun." Jongin says again suddenly after a while of silence. Sehun is just now starting to relax, omelet nearly finished.
Sehun looks up at Jongin and smiles. Just a small one. Dr. Han had said something similar. He hadn't been thinking clearly enough when Jongin had said it the first time. It feels good to be praised. "Thank you, Jongin." He says and ducks his head again, cheeks feeling a little hot.
"I'm also happy you called me when you needed help." Jongin admits quietly, maybe he didn't mean for Sehun to hear. But he does hear it, and looks back up at Jongin.
Jongin's cheeks look a little red, too. Sehun is confused. "Why did you kiss me that time?" Is out of his mouth before Sehun knows what he's doing. His eyes widen and he slaps a hand over his mouth, pulling back from the table.
Jongin, even though his eyes are still wide, holds out a hand to stop Sehun. "Wait." He says, sounding a little breathless. "Want to tell you."
Sehun nervously flicks the switch back and forth on the small cube. Jongin's eyes flickers to the cube before back to Sehun's face. It's a tense moment before Jongin sighs. "I don't have to tell you, if you're not ready."
Sehun stares at the table. Three beats. Three beats more. "I want to know." It's been bugging him for years.
"I kissed you because I had a crush on you." Jongin doesn't beat around the bush. In some ways, Sehun is grateful for that, in other ways, he wishes Jongin would have given him some time to prepare himself.
The tense of the sentence doesn't get passed Sehun. He is disappointed. Had. "Oh." Is all he says, still looking down.
"You didn't like it, so I didn't persist." Jongin's eyes are staring. Sehun can't look up and meet them even when it means he could see what kind of expression Jongin has. Not that he would really be able to understand anyways. Sehun is bad with empathy.
Sehun, this time, feels really ashamed of himself. It manifests as hot tears building in his eyes. He didn't hate it. He just didn't know how to react. The kiss had come out of nowhere.
He is angry at himself for reacting how he did. For hurting Jongin like that. He should have asked sooner.
Sehun doesn't know why it matters. He didn't have feelings for Jongin then, so he would have hurt Jongin anyway. And he definitely doesn't have them now so Jongin referring to his feelings in past tense shouldn't hurt Sehun now. Right?
Then how come his chest feels so tight?
"Sehun?" Jongin asks cautiously. "Are you okay? Should I leave?"
Sehun can't trust his voice. He doesn't move. Jongin stands after another ten minutes of silence. "I'm going to leave you be." Jongin says quietly, taking his dishes to the kitchen. He dumps the leftovers in the garbage and sets the dishes in the sink.
The door clicks and the tears finally shake free of Sehun's lashes.
He calls Dr. Han's office and asks for his regular appointments back.
--
The next Tuesday, Sehun is a little haggard. Jongin hadn't shown up for classes all week. Hasn't texted Sehun. Not that Sehun texted, either. He doesn't know what has gone wrong.
Jongin doesn't like Sehun anymore and Sehun doesn't like Jongin. Why did that short conversation change anything?
Sehun thinks Dr. Han would have the answers.
"Are we talking today, Sehun, or would you like to continue your behavior therapy?"
"I want to talk." Sehun says, determined. Dr. Han pushes the glasses farther up on his nose. He looks a little surprised.
"Okay, well... how have you been since our last session? I'm surprised you called so quickly afterward to resume."
"I asked Jongin why he kissed me that time. In school." Sehun starts right off. With this on his mind, he is struggling. It blocks out the numbers in the worst way possible. He doesn't want to lose his only friend. Especially without understanding why.
Sehun finds comfort in the numbers. In the threes and ones and twos. Dr. Han tips his head, sensing Sehun's distress. "And how did he respond?"
"He said he did it because he used to have a crush on me. Back then. Six tears ago."
Dr. Han looks a bit delighted. Sehun doesn't understand why he is smiling. "And?"
"There's no and..." Sehun frowns, staring down at his shoes. "He said he did. Before. Not now."
Dr. Han's face drops. "Did he actually say he doesn't have feelings for you now?"
"No... he used past tense..." Sehun's hands grip his knees. "I haven't seen him since."
"How did you react to his information?"
"I...." he shakes his head three times. "I didn't react. He used past tense, what was there for me to react to?"
"You didn't say anything?"
Sehun sighs, his face burns with shame. "I couldn't trust myself not to cry."
Dr. Han's eyes soften, but Sehun misses it because he is still looking at the floor. He swears he can see specks of dust floating in the air. "How do you feel about Jongin?"
"I don't want him to do me any favors by staying with me to spare my feelings. He needs someone better. Someone who he can hold and touch and love. Jongin is a touchy person. I've noticed when he is with his other friends." Sehun begins to ramble, barely even pausing to take a breath. "I don't know why he'd settle for me anyways. He could get anyone he wanted. Literally anyone."
Dr. Han lets Sehun rant until he is out of steam. Then, he patiently informs Sehun of one detail. "It sounds like you do have feelings for him."
The words trigger a connection- the realization that, yes. He does like Jongin. Maybe deeper than like. He probably loves Jongin.
"Maybe you should ask Jongin to clarify." Dr. Han suggests, scratching his pen against paper.
"I don't want to be his burden."
Dr. Han shakes his head. "If he thought of you as a burden, he wouldn't have stuck by you since then, right?"
Sehun stays quiet. He is usually always quiet. He is thinking- mind working. It is starting to hurt.
"Just talk to him, Sehun. You might be surprised by what you find."
--
Sehun follows Dr. Han's advice, like he usually does. It takes him until 4:57 to decide that, he is too nervous to call. He walks an hour until he makes it to Jongin's place.
Even though it is February now, it is still cold. There is snow piled up along the clear sidewalks. Sehun hates cold and snow. But he wants to see Jongin. Sehun's teeth are chattering by the time he makes it there. His cheeks are flushed rosy red. He shivers in the unheated hallway of Jongin's apartment complex as he waits for Jongin to answer his three, loud, but tentative knocks.
Jongin answers the door, but he looks like he just ran a mile. Sehun is confused. "Sehun? What-" Jongin steps outside, barefooted and ruffled. "What are you doing here?"
"I just... just wanted to talk. Can I come in?"
Jongin looks behind him at his door and shakes his head. "It's... not a good time. I'm sorry."
"It won't take long, I just.... want to ask you- I wanted to tell you something." Sehun's shaking hands go into his pockets so Jongin won't notice. Maybe he does anyway.
Jongin looks so... distraught. "I can't, I-"
"Jongin?" The door to Jongin's apartment opens up and. Oh. Sehun understands. The stranger-to Sehun, at least, stands in a sweater. Jongin's sweater, Sehun notices. It's Sehun's favorite sweater of Jongin's. And boxer shorts. Most likely also Jongin's.
Sehun takes a startled step back. His eyes are wide. He is so cold. "Oh." Sehun sounds out, taking another step back. "Have a good night, Jongin." Sehun can feel the world tilt. He pulls a hand out of his pocket to wave and something clatters to the ground.
Sehun doesn't pay attention. He doesn't want to waste the precious seconds he could be using to get away to pick up whatever it is. If Jongin calls for him, Sehun doesn't hear it. The numbers in his head are screaming, the ticks growing louder.
4,593 steps later and 2,748 ticks later, Sehun arrives home. He's shivering uncontrollably by now as he leans against his door and slowly sinks down to the floor and curls into a ball.
Face in his knees, Sehun's hand slips into his pocket for his fidget cube. It's not there. Sehun feels like he could scream. It's Jongin's gift to him. He lost it. And he doesn't know if he'll be able to face Jongin again.
His nails are bloody by the time he passes out against the door, still in his clothes. Still shivering.
--
Sehun wakes up and feels absolutely horrible. His head is pounding and his throat hurts. His whole body is in pain or numb. He is still cold. In the distance, through the fog in his mind, he can hear his alarm going off. It has probably been going off for a while.
Sehun has class and work. He stands and stumbles to his room. As he shuts off the alarm clock, he remembers the dried blood on his fingers. He really did a number on his hands.
He stands there, face blank. Even his mind is blank. He stands there for a while. Just staring at the green number on his alarm clock without really seeing them.
He doesn't make it to his class. He sends Suho a text of the emoji he uses when he can't make it in. And he crawls into bed. He doesn't know what time it is, he doesn't care he is still in the clothes he had put on the day before. He just wants to sleep while his mind is blank.
Sehun sleeps. He wakes and lays in bed until he sleeps some more. He thinks a day passes like this.
His phone rings. It's Dr. Han's office. Eyebrows furrowed, Sehun picks up. "Sehun?"
Dr. Han's soft voice floods Sehun's head. The other noise and static begins to refill his head too. He counts, but he isn't sure what number he needs to start on. What time is it? What day?
"Sehun?" The voice sounds more urgent. Sehun forgot to reply.
"Yeah?" His voice sounds dry and cracked. He sits up and lays back down. He's so dizzy.
"Oh thank god." Dr. Han lets out, sounding relieved. "Jongin informed me you hadn't been at work or classes in the last three days."
Three days?! Sehun is startled back up and towards his bedroom door. He falls to his knees. His legs are numb and his head is spinning.
"Are you okay?" Dr. Han sounds even more alarmed.
"Yeah." Sehun says, sitting on his floor. He is not, however.
"He says you haven't been answering his calls or text, what have you been doing?"
Sehun stays silent until Dr. Han calls his name again, asking if he was still there. "I've been at home."
"He said you didn't answer your door either."
Jongin called and texted and came by. He even went to Dr. Han. His chest hurts. "I don't want to see Jongin. Or talk to him." Sehun's voice quivers. It's a lie, but Sehun doesn't know how to face Jongin.
He feels embarrassed and silly. Did he expect a dramatic kdrama scene where he confessed and, overcome with emotion, Jongin kissed him?
Jongin could get- had gotten- someone who would be able to touch and be intimate. What did he need Sehun and his shitty confession for?
Dr. Han, who had remained quiet, speaks up again. "I know you don't usually have sessions on Friday, but how about you come to my office, I'm free the rest of the day."
"Okay." Sehun says quietly and hangs up the phone. First thing he does when he finally manages to get standing is relieve himself. Second, he takes his meds. Third, he eats.
Pork belly and a three egg omelet with onions, seaweed, tomato, and cheese. He has to force it down when he realizes it's the last meal he ever had with Jongin.
---
Coming to terms with the Jongin situation, after a long discussion with Dr. Han about managing stressors and recovering from episodes, is surprisingly easy.
Or at least, it's easy to push to the back of his mind. Shove it in a box somewhere. He doesn't have to think about Jongin when he has to handle his classes he's missed and begging Suho to let him keep his job.
Dr. Han gives him another cube. He explains he's bought a few more for his other patients and he was keeping extra. Sehun takes it gratefully. His fingers wouldn't suffer anymore.
Saturday, February 18th, Sehun makes it back to work. He had to beg Suho over the phone. But Suho did understand. Mostly.
Sehun still counts the numbers, he still hears the ticks. He slowly slips back to normal. Well, his normal.
He has traded out his omelet and pork belly for a bowl of hot ramyun with eggs and rice crackers. Omelets just don't taste the same anymore.
Sunday, February 19th, Jongin is already at work when Sehun arrives to his shift. His presence startles Sehun. They don't work these days together.
"I'm sorry. I was just worried sick. You didn't answer my text still." Jongin explains as he sees the gears in Sehun's head turning, trying to process the change in routine.
"Oh. Sorry." Sehun says and bows politely when his brain catches up. "I've been busy lately." Sehun excuses and looks down to the floor. "How have you been?"
Jongin presses his lips together and debates. Sehun turns and begins cleaning. Jongin is his best friend. His best friend only. Jongin isn't speaking. Which is odd since he had tried so hard to get a hold of Sehun before.
Sehun is about to turn back towards Jongin when he feels Jongin's hand on his back, between his shoulderblades. Sehun jerks from the sudden touch.
Jongin isn't done touching him, it seems, because the next thing that happens is another hand guiding his body around to face Jongin. Jongin hugs him tightly, one hand cradling the back of his head.
It's such a tight and genuine hug, Sehun can't pull away. Jongin is warm. Like sunshine. But Jongin has let strangers touch him. Sehun tenses after this thought, a couple moments later.
Jongin is not only his. Not even his a little bit. Jongin is a friend. His best friend. Nothing more. The best friend thing might not even be mutual. Sehun is Jongin's burden. "It's good to see you." Jongin whispers.
Sehun finds himself unable to take a breath. "H-how did your d...date go?" He asks, Jongin is still holding him. He wants to be let go.
And Jongin does let go after that. Sehun sighs in relief. "It wasn't... a date. I'm not dating Kyungsoo."
Sehun doesn't know what to think about it then. "He was wearing your clothes. He was very cute, I think." Sehun's words sound fake to his own ears. They are. Jongin doesn't seem to notice.
"Okay, it was a date. But a one time thing."
Sehun's eyebrows furrow. "Well, why? If you liked each other enough to go on one date, why not continue?"
Jongin presses his lips together. "I don't like him, he was just-" Jongin stops, like he is rethinking explaining this to Sehun.
"Mutual sexual satisfaction." Sehun nods. Jongin cringes.
"It sounds weird when you put it like that."
"Is that not what it was?" For Sehun, it's an honest question. He knows sex doesn't have to come with feelings.
"Well... yes...." Jongin cheeks are red.
"Then how is it weird?" Sehun asks, eyebrows raised.
"What did you come over for? You said you needed to tell me something."
"Oh." Sehun frowns, unable to hide his discontent. "It doesn't matter anymore. I got my answer."
Jongin looks confused. "What answer?"
Sehun shrugs, then excuses himself to continue cleaning. "Listen, Sehun, things have been weird between us..." Jongin points out the obvious.
Sehun looks at him, for a brief moment, then resumes cleaning. Jongin sighs, frustrated. "Look, I don't want my feelings to effect our relationship. If you're uncomfortable with them, please, forget I have them for you."
Sehun stops, brain feeling like a clock with a cog loose. Spinning, spinning, endless spinning. "I never forget anything. Especially not anything you do or say, Jongin." Sehun tries to play it cool. "Did you just say you have feelings for me?"
"Yes. I did last week, too."
"You said you had a crush on me. Past tense." Sehun remembers this clearly. It hurt him a lot.
"Well, now it isn't only just a crush."
"Then why Kyungsoo?" Sehun might be a little jealous. And hurt.
Jongin bites onto his lip. He looks vulnerable again. "Because, sometimes, I get sick of a one sided infatuation."
Sehun stares at Jongin, debating. Letting his true feelings out could ruin a lot of things. But he trusts Jongin with his life. "Who said it is one-sided?"
Jongin steps closer to Sehun. Sehun steps back. He has more to say. "I like you. A whole lot, Jongin. I have for a while even without realizing it. But... I can't just..."
Right then, the bell to the door jingles. Sehun shuts his mouth and disappears into the back. Jongin greets the customer cheerfully and takes their order.
Sehun clutches at his chest, his heart beating so fast it is ridiculous. He just confessed to Jongin. Who still likes him. What did it mean for them? Sehun still has his numbers and routine. He can't touch, can't be touched. Not so casually as couples do. Kissing terrifies him. Anything more has him quaking.
What if Jongin won't accept that?
After what seems like several hours, Jongin is done with the customer and joins Sehun in the back room.
"I know what you have to say. That me loving you doesn't change how you have trouble expressing feelings and physical intimacy. Or that you have routines and numbers. I know all this. I am probably the one most familiar with all of it. Because I care. And I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to but I really want to be with you. Not just as a friend. But if you really think you can't accept me as a lover, then I'd understand. But, don't think that it won't work out because there's a problem with you. I don't see a problem. I just want to be able to call you mine and maybe, one day, hold your hand. That's all I want."
Jongin is flushed, winded from barely breathing as he spewed his heart out to Sehun. Sehun can hardly breathe himself.
Suho clears his throat from the door of his office, causing both of their heads to snap towards him. "This is all very sweet, but at least one of you needs to be out on the floor." Suho reminds them, but he isn't angry or even disappointed. He looks kind of amused. He fixes kind, understanding eyes on Sehun.
Sehun feels like he is about ready to have a panic attack.
Jongin loves him. Wants to work with him and make all sorts of sacrifices for him. And while Sehun is used to being cared for by Jongin, being loved by Jongin is such a strange concept.
Jongin looks at Sehun, who is still wide eyed and unfocused, and steps back through the door and out behind the counter. "I see you've got a lot to handle, Sehun." Suho begins, he still looks a little amused. "Just don't stress out too much about it, okay? No matter your answer, I know Jongin will still stand by you."
Sehun knows this, but it is reassuring even their boss does.
Their shift goes by in relative harmony, Sehun still a bit shaken. Especially for what he is about to do. "Jongin?" He says as they hang their aprons on hooks in the small employee room. "Do you want to come over? So we can talk?"
Jongin looks surprised, but agrees quickly.
The entire way home, Sehun fights with himself on whether or not he should reach out and hold Jongin's hand like Jongin said he wanted to. He decides not to, since Jongin needs to focus on driving.
---
"I know you know what you're going to be getting into. With dating me." Sehun says, staring at his hands folded neatly in his lap. "But, like Dr. Han is helping me, over time, if we practice... I could hold your hand really soon." Sehun's face looks determined. Jongin's heart melts with how, despite having so much else to hash out, Sehun wants Jongin to know he is going to try hard.
Jongin believes in him. Sehun values his existence.
"Do you know and understand that, since we will be dating, I'll want to take you on dates? It'll disrupt your routine."
Sehun chews on his lip for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. He nods three times after three beats. "I understand that. I'll work hard."
"I'll be sure not to push you too hard." Jongin promises softly. As if he is unable to resist, Jongin leans in. "It is perfectly alright to say no, but..." Jongin pauses, "can I kiss you?"
Sehun's breath hitches in his throat. He nods three times. Jongin searches his face. "You really can say no."
Sehun glances at Jongin's lips and then his eyes. "I want you to." He clutches the hem of his shirt, still in his work clothes. Jongin is, too. They are only in Sehun's kitchen, after all.
Jongin places both his hands on either side of Sehun's face. Sehun stills completely, staring at Jongin. This is taking longer than their first kiss had.
"Six years. I've been wanting to do this again." Jongin said quietly, his thumbs stroking just under Sehun's eyes. "This is so surreal. I'm so happy." Jongin's smile is so bright it is blinding. Sehun closes his eyes.
And he feels it, the softest press of skin against his lips. Jongin's lips. Sehun's pretty sure he's just developed a heart condition- it's beating way too fast.
Jongin sucks out Sehun's soul with a tug of his lip as he pulls back. Sehun opens his eyes. He doesn't know if he likes the sensation, but he is definitely sure he doesn't hate it.
"Kissing is fun." Sehun says, cheeks coloring even brighter. Jongin laughs, taking that as permission to kiss him again. Sehun doesn't mind.
When it dores get to be too much, Sehun takes a small step back. Jongin understands and pulls away, hands and all. Sehun smiles gratefully. Sehun reaches up and brushes a lock of hair from Jongin's eyes. He thinks that this time, he understands the look in them. Love.
Jongin shifts foot to foot, face still smiling. "Ah, I better get home. I'll see you later, Sehun."
Jongin does not work tomorrow. Sehun feels a little panicky. Later is not a definite time. "Uhm, tomorrow morning, do you want to pick me up before class? We can... we can get coffee."
Jongin's face looks likely to break with how wide his smile is. "Yes, I'd love that. I'll see you tomorrow morning, Sehun-ah."
The little sound Jongin adds to his name, the familiar honorific, it shouldn't make Sehun's heart pound faster, but it does. "I'll see you, Jongin...Jonginnie." He adds, struggling to get it out around his tongue. It's odd to actually be saying it out loud, Sehun has thought about calling him Jonginnie for ages.
Sehun didn't think it would have been possible, but Jongin's smile widens.
--
After this, nothing would seem to change for any other person. But for Sehun, a lot does. There is more Jongin, which is equal parts comforting and scary. They meet every morning for coffee before class. Like Sehun normally does, but now there is Jongin. Sehun still sits in the same seat during class, and still has his therapy with Dr. Han once a week.
But every Thursday, Jongin comes over to watch a movie or a tv drama. Sometimes Sehun goes to Jongin's, if he is feeling adventurous.
About once a month, Sehun and Jongin go out on a real date. Sehun's favorite had been dancing, not at a club or anything. Jongin had set up with the university dance team a session of ballroom dance for them. Sehun liked it enough to complete five more lessons. Sehun has even met some of Jongin's friends. Baekhyun, who is nosy but means well. And Chanyeol, whose enthusiasm and eagerness reminds Sehun of a puppy. Jongdae, Jongin's brother, was his favorite. Jongdae laughed and made jokes, even picked fun at Jongin. Sehun is happy Jongin grew up in a loving home.
Chanyeol has to be reminded several times that Sehun does not like hugs before he actually remembers. But Sehun doesn't freak out. Not when he has Jongin's hand to hold.
To any other person, Sehun's life doesn't change from day to day. He's still the same young adult who is soft spoken and has a wide personal bubble. But for Sehun, with the help of Dr. Han, his medications, and Jongin, every day is different in little ways and Sehun is beginning to realize he is safe. He is wanted. And he is fine.
The numbers and the ticks never go away, but Sehun handles them easily and finds ways to not let them control his life. So that maybe, years laters, he and Jongin could live together in harmony. Even if it is still only in Sehun's apartment the size of a shoebox.