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When Tseng suddenly finds himself back in the tiny room he used to rent just before he applied to the Turks with a baby face, hair more than a few inches shorter and clad in a t-shirt and shorts, his first thought is what the-.
When he opens the door to find one tiny person that went by the name of Aerith Gainsborough clad in a little pink sundress with matching Mary Janes and her hair in very high pigtails, his second thought is hell no.
Then she smiles.
(Tseng slams the door shut.)
---
"You're being too dramatic," Aerith pipes combing her fingers through her black haired wig. "It's just a dress, even Cloud didn't mind. And he went the whole nine yards and put on the proper underwear."
Tseng is really confused. He doesn't know how it happened exactly, but one moment he was barricaded in his tiny room and the next he was clad in a black travel dress and kidnapping Aerith out of Midgar. He even has a wig and make up on, for Gaia's sake, and he can't remember when exactly he put those on. Was it when they were dodging the Turks at the Slums or when they hid at the park of Sector 4 afterwards? He did have it on when that SOLDIER stopped him to flirt at Belhelmel Square, so it must have been at one of those points!
But somehow, with the help of everything he learned in all of his fruitful career as a Turk, they have managed to leave Midgar behind. Why he didn't simply let himself be caught, Tseng will never know.
"I knew I had made the right choice," Aerith grins. "Everything is going perfectly. Now we only have to make it to Junon."
Tseng archs an eyebrow, looks at her and then at himself. This is the furthest from perfect than he could imagine, the only thing worse would be if they were in a holding cell right now. Putting aside the fact that he's wearing a dress, they have nothing else but the clothes on their backs. No spare clothes, no weapons, no money, no means of transportation. This is a disaster.
(And Tseng still doesn't know why is he going along this. What does he care about apocalypses and mighty battles between enhanced warriors? Everything went well last time, so why change anything?)
But no, Aerith just grins again and forward she goes into the wilderness. Never mind the Custom Sweepers and Prowlers that plague the way until Kalm. And did Tseng already mention that they don't have any kind of weapons?
"Look at it this way," she says cheerfully. "It's not like we have anything that the Prowlers can steal-"
"Other than our lives."
"-and the Custom Sweepers are really slow, so we can outrun them."
Which in reality means that Tseng can outrun them while she whoops delighted over his shoulder and his skirt tangles between his legs and makes the whole situation even worse. By the time they reach Kalm, he's had to outrun four Custom Sweepers and evade seven encounters with the Prowlers, so he's completely exausted and he wants nothing more than a bed.
But of course, if there's no money there's no bed, no weapons, no trousers. But everything is going perfectly.
"Ok," Aerith says. "Now we just have to make it to the Chocobo Ranch. I'm sure that we can convince them to give us some work to earn enough to get some greens to capture a Chocobo to evade the Zolom."
Tseng blinks as a memory of the dragons that live among the other nasty creatures in the Mythril Cave assaults him and hell no. He's not going to try to outrun dragons in an enclosed space whose setup he doesn't even remember well. Hell, he's not outrunning anything else, period.
It's disgusting and demeaning, but looting it is.
"Oh, Tseng," Aerith chirps delighted. "So naughty!"
He loots all the houses and then, with a sigh, he gives priority to getting a weapon. He sells everything he finds except for a couple of potions and then goes to the Weapon Shop. He doesn't like any of the choices he has (no gun in sight) but he ends up going for the Full Metal Staff. Then, weapon in hand, he goes outside to kill monsters until he has saved enough to buy clothes, equipment and still has some left for emergencies. It takes him nearly all day and Aerith pouts something fierce, but Tseng doesn't let her puppy eyes move him.
Only after Tseng has a change of clothes do they leave. He's not stupid, though, so he doesn't change until they have reached the Chocobo Ranch. And no, it's not because he has taken a liking to wearing a dress, no matter what Aerith says.
They enter the Ranch to buy some greens and find out that they need a Chocobo Lure materia that is obscenely expensive. Tseng sighs because oh, how the mighty have fallen, and goes back outside to kill more monsters while Aerith cheers him from a few feet away. When they finally have the materia, he sets to the task of capturing a chocobo while she coos at the beast and repeats the weird dance the birds have.
(Tseng is a Turk, he's gone through a lot of unsavoury things, but this is a new low for him.)
---
The trip through the Mythril Cave is something that Tseng will forever bury deep, deep down in his mind but he makes a mental note to not let Aerith out of his sight when they reach the Nibel Area because Kalm Area dragons are kittens compared to those and hell no.
(Why is Tseng doing this again?)
They avoid Fort Condor altogether. At this point in time they're starting their war against ShinRa to save the condors and he doesn't want to touch that with a ten foot pole because by now they're probably looking for Aerith everywhere.
They lure another Chocobo to cross the rivers that they have on their path towards Junon. When they're nearly outside the city, they release the bird and continue walking until they reach what's left of the original Junon Harbour.
Before entering the city, Aerith stops him and smiles.
Hell no.
Tseng spends the next whole week in a dress. He now has added two more to his collection: a dark blue one and a pearl grey one. The ship's captain keeps trying to lose Aerith so that he can get "her" alone. If Tseng didn't have even the foggiest idea of how to operate a cargo ship, no one would find the body.
"I thought guys had a code?" Aerith inquires as she pokes at the man Tseng has just reduced unconscious with a well placed kick.
Tseng doesnt dignify that with an answer. He just tidies his dress, grabs the brat like a sack of potatoes and leaves the ship with his head held high and his bag full of provisions that he's been filching since day one. Aerith giggles all the way.
---
At this point, Tseng doesn't bother ditching the dress, he just continues on because he's going to have to put it on again the moment they reach another village and he doesn't give two shits anymore. Besides, this area is heavily controlled by ShinRa patrols, so he can't risk it anyway.
There was a Chocobo area pretty near Costa del Sol, so it doesn't take them more than a day to cross Corel Area and make it to Nibelheim.
(That Chocobo Lure may very well be the best spent 2000 gil of his life.)
The moment they enter the village, they get greeted by the stares of the townspeople. If Tseng recalls well, these people are still real because Sephiroth hasn't burned the town to the ground yet.
The brat makes a beeline towards one of the houses and knocks. A harried looking blonde woman opens the door and Aerith smiles sunnily. One tiny Cloud Strife appears on the doorway and Tseng blinks.
"You made me go through puberty again," he says simply.
"I kidnapped him," she answers brightly pointing at Tseng, "and made him wear a dress too if that makes you feel better."
Cloud blinks at Tseng and then smirks. Tseng archs an eyebrow in response.
"At least it's not purple," he says to Aerith. "And I doubt that he's wearing a matching lacy bra and panties."
"First, you chose that dress-"
"I did?"
"-and second, no one forced you to wear the lingerie."
"That's not how I remember it happening."
"And as for him, I tried to hide his underwear but he caught me red handed. He's a lot less gullible than you are."
"Thanks," both Tseng and Cloud answer at the same time and Aerith grins.
"So how do we do this?" Cloud finally sighs.
"Did you find it?"
"Yeah, there's one right at the top of the first mountain."
"Perfect."
Tseng eyes his Full Metal Staff and hell no, this isn't perfect at all. He grabs her before she can sprint forward and secures her under his arm.
"Strife, Weapon Shop." The blond blinks. "Don't tell me, there's none." He grins. Tseng sighs inwardly. So Nibel dragons with a metal stick, wonderful. "Lead the way, then."
"I know how to walk," Aerith chirps.
"Sadly."
(If she didn't, worrying about her trying to sneak out to pet a baby dragon wouldn't be a thing.)
"Ohhhh," both brats sing admiringly.
(Seriously, why is he doing this???)
An hour of trecking, several close calls with dragons, Sonic Speeds and wolves, they finally reach the top of the first mountain. Tseng eyes his poor bent out of shape staff sadly. While he's mourning the loss and thinking about how to make it back to town without it, Cloud suddenly jumps into a natural Mako pool.
Tseng blinks. Then he sighs and rubs his temples. When he opens his eyes back, the blond is still submerged inside litres and litres of liquid Mako and Tseng knows he was a Turk but what has be done to deserve this?
"Hmmm," Aerith hums contemplatively. "I may have miscalculated one thing. How do we get him out of there?"
Tseng looks at the sunk form and then at his bent staff. Then he spends the next fifteen minutes manoeuvring him out of the pool. While Aerith begins her gospel, Tseng contemplates the possibility of slipping out and leaving these two behind. Then he thinks about what these two crazy brats could do alone and the image of Gaia exploding comes to mind, so he stays.
"Well," she says after Cloud has stopped vomiting in a corner. "I think we need to do that a couple more times but we should bring a change of clothes next time."
"Oh," Tseng says because these two brats are going to drive him into an early grave and they have to make up for it somehow. "I have clothes, Strife."
Aerith cackles.
"Let's go wake up Vincent."
"He may not want to this early."
Tseng doesn't care what the man wants, he's not dealing with this shit alone anymore.
Hell no.