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Kili didn’t remember a time when he couldn’t see colors. One of his earliest memories was wondering why his mother, Thorin, and Fili all had the same color eyes, but his were different. When he asked Amad, she got a funny look and told him he got his father’s eyes. She looked so sad afterward that he didn’t want to ask again.
He didn’t give it much thought until a few years later when he was in class. The instructor was telling them that dwarrows don’t see colors without their soulmate, their One. He said that some never have a soulmate, and so they never see colors.
Kili raised his hand and asked, “What about people who can see color without a soulmate?”
“It doesn’t work that way, not for dwarves. Humans and hobbits can see colors, and I don’t know about elves, but dwarves won’t see colors without their One. They start seeing the colors when they meet their soulmate. If their One dies, then the survivor loses the ability to see colors.”
Kili remembered his mother’s sad look, but insisted, “I don’t have a soulmate, but I can see colors.”
“Well, maybe you’ve met them and just haven’t realized who it is yet. It’s been known to happen young,” the instructor said, but he was clearly humoring Kili before he continued the lesson.
Later, after a run-in with the class bully, Kili was sitting on a stool in the kitchen while Fili dabbed at his split lip with a wet cloth. It hurt to move his face, but he still scowled as he said, “I don’t understand what the big deal is, anyway. So I can see colors. It probably means I don’t have a stupid soulmate.”
Fili gave a noncommittal hum as he pulled back to inspect Kili’s face. The red of the blood on the cloth looked vivid as he said, “It’s a touchy subject for a lot of dwarves, Kee. Some go their whole lives without meeting their One. No one wants to think that might happen to them. They’re just jealous.”
“Jealous of what? It’s not like I know who my soulmate might be. They said I was lying, that I don’t see colors. I’m not lying. You believe me, don’t you?” Kili watched one of Fili’s braids swing. He’d always been jealous of Fili’s thick blond mane, and loved to brush and play with it. Maybe Fili would let him later, but right now he was more concerned with his brother’s lack of response. His voice sounded small when he repeated, “Don’t you?”
Fili left off wiping at Kili’s face to meet his eyes. “Of course, I do.”
Staring into the blue eyes that were more familiar to him than his own, Kili asked, “Can you see colors, too?”
Fili turned away to rinse out the cloth as he said, “Go change and I’ll help you mend the tear in your tunic before Amad gets home. If she sees it, you’ll get in trouble for brawling again.”
Kili’s brow furrowed, a twinge letting him know he’d have bruises later. “But – “
“Or don’t change. If you get in trouble, I’ll get your dessert,” Fili interrupted. He threw a smirk over his shoulder.
“Ugh. Fine.” Kili marched off to do as he was told.
Later, in that time before he was asleep yet not exactly awake, he wondered about Fili’s refusal to answer. Fili had said it was a sensitive topic, so maybe it bothered him. Kili thought about how he would feel to know that Fili had encountered his soulmate, and had to wonder if he’d be left alone. The idea made his stomach ache, and he resolved not to ask Fili about it again.
***
He stuck to that through the years. As he got older, it became second nature to hide the fact that he was an unmated dwarf who could see colors. He quit mentioning them in front of Dis. The only one he spoke to about them was Fili, usually as they were settling in for bed. It became something of a routine for them. Kili would try to describe the colors, whispering in the dark about the greens of the new leaves in the spring, or the deep blue of the sky in the heat of the summer.
Fili would listen to him ramble for a while before interrupting with a sleepy murmur. “Thanks. Go to sleep now, Kee.”
“Sweet dreams, Fee.” Kili would roll over to face the wall, scrunching his pillow into his preferred shape.
This routine became a ritual, until it was difficult for Kili to get to sleep without it. He wished he was better with words. Kili wanted to be able to paint vivid pictures for Fili to imagine, so he could see the colors in his dreams. He did the best he could, reading descriptions written by others who only saw in black and white so he could understand better.
He never felt drawn to any dwarf, cementing his belief that he saw colors because he had no soulmate. It never bothered him. He was content in his life in the little cabin with his mother and brother.
Then one day Uncle Thorin came by to visit, carrying tales of maps and treasures, gold and thrones, mountains and dragons.
***
Their routine suffered on the journey. They always bunked down next to each other, but didn’t have the privacy required for their bedtime talks. Kili grew to cherish the times when they were on watch, sitting back to back with Fili in the dark while everyone else was asleep. Usually they would share a pipe, passing it back and forth during Kili’s quiet description of where they were or what they had passed that day.
He had his eyes closed with his head leaning back against Fili’s shoulder, trying to describe a lake they had passed, when he heard a rustle and a thud. He sat up and looked around before whispering, “Fee, how many ponies should we have, exactly?”
After that, everything was troll snot and fighting and running. This wasn’t what Kili had imagined when he thought about heroic quests. The old stories never mentioned not getting enough rest, or a hot meal, or even a quick bath in a river. The quest was smellier that he would have thought.
Rivendell, though. Rivendell was beautiful, and Kili was enchanted from the moment he set eyes on it. And the elves! He didn’t know creatures like that existed. They were willowy and graceful, magical in their serenity.
After dinner, the elves gave the company the use of several rooms, but Thorin insisted they all stay close and ready for anything. Despite the general mistrust for the elves, it was nice to be around the others and relax. Kili was enjoying his pipe and laughing at poor Bombur’s mishap with the fragile elven furniture when he realized he didn’t see Fili. He left the others to their proper dwarven dinner and went in search of his brother. He didn’t have to go far, though.
Fili was on a balcony overlooking the valley, leaning out to watch one of the waterfalls. The moonlight had leeched him of his color, turning his golden hair silver and his blue eyes grey. He threw a glance over his shoulder when he heard Kili, but then went back to watching the water.
Kili joined him, leaning on his elbows on the broad balcony railing. He took a deep breath, smelling some night blooming flower on the breeze. He heard Bofur say something, and then the others laughed. He murmured, “I wish we could stay here a while.”
“I doubt Uncle would go for that,” Fili said with a smile.
“Yeah, I know.” After a few minutes of companionable silence, Kili said, “I don’t know if I can describe it for you.”
Still smiling, Fili nodded. “It’s okay, I understand.”
***
Thorin came back with an abrupt, “We’re leaving.” After that it was a scramble to grab their things and sneak out as soon as there was enough light to see. When Thorin snapped at Bilbo for not keeping up, Kili didn’t dare turn around for one last glimpse of Rivendell.
After their respite, they made good time until it started to rain. Even then they kept going, but the storm got worse until the wind was sheeting the rain nearly sideways. None of them could see and the wet path was slick and treacherous. A boulder fell, knocking away a chunk were Bofur had been standing mere moments before, and something was moving above them. When a bolt of lightning silhouetted the fighting giants, Kili’s mouth fell open in shock. When the ground under his feet began to shake, he didn’t know what to do.
Fili didn’t hesitate. “Kili! Take my hand!”
Before Kili could react, the path cracked and split. He watched helplessly as the gap widened, taking half of the company with it. He only had eyes for his brother holding on to a rock and straining to reach him. The ground began to move under him, and someone shoved against his back. He fell, but landed on stable ground. He jumped back up, searching for Fili, but the giant had moved. There was another crack of lighting, then someone shoved him again as a stone head fell, almost taking his group with it. He caught a glimpse of golden hair as the stone body went down, Thorin was screaming, then the mountain shook as the stone giant fell against it. Fili and the others were gone, he couldn’t see, and he began to struggle against the arm holding him back. He had to find Fili. Thorin shouted at him and someone shook him, until finally it registered that the others were all right.
He didn’t even have time to catch his breath before he saw Thorin go over the edge of the path and disappear. He took a step forward, but Dwalin was there already, pulling up Thorin and Bilbo. As Thorin started scolding the poor hobbit, and Fili was trying to help Bombur stand, Kili turned and went back down the path. He only made it a few steps before he bent over and vomited. After he emptied his stomach, he rejoined the others.
Thankfully they found a cave. Kili didn’t care if the others mocked him for it, he got his bedroll as close to Fili as he could manage without climbing on him. He thought his brother and uncle were both dead on that cursed mountain. He needed to be near them.
Fili seemed to share the feeling. He laid shoulder to shoulder with Kili and murmured, “It’s been a long day. Go to sleep.”
Kili nodded. It felt like he had just dozed off when the floor fell out from under them.
***
Quests were smelly things, he decided. The trolls were bad enough, but the goblin tunnels were so much worse. In fact, the only thing that might be worse than the tunnels was the smell of burnt warg hair. It was all disgusting, but the look on Thorin’s face when they saw Erebor in the distance was worth it.
After another mad dash, there was a respite at Beorn’s house. Kili was used to being in the world of Men, but this was the first time he felt small. Everything there was freakishly large and as he watched a bee the size of his head fly by, he wondered if Dori’s comment about it being unnatural had merit. It didn’t matter though, because Beorn gave them provisions to replace what they lost in the tunnels, and the ponies were just the right size.
They couldn’t take the ponies into the woods, though. There was barely enough room for dwarves to walk single file under the huge trees. The meandering path would have been impossible for a pony.
It wasn’t as bad as the goblin tunnels, or even the trolls, but it didn’t smell right under the trees, either. Instead of the clean scent of growing things, it smelled musty and dank. It reminded him of the time he forgot to hang one of his shirts out to dry and it mildewed. It made all of them lightheaded and dizzy. They became turned around and confused, making them easy prey for the giant spiders.
Kili got turned around and separated from the others. His bow was gone, and he fumbled and dropped his dagger. He shouted for help, but couldn’t tell which direction Fili’s answering cry was coming from. After stone giants, goblins, and trolls, he was going to die here in this cursed forest and be eaten by a giant spider.
That’s when she came, long red hair flying about as she twirled, daggers flashing in the gloom under the trees. He thought he was hallucinating until the dying shriek of a giant spider snapped him out of his trance. He shouted for a weapon, but all he could do was stand aside and watch as she killed the other spiders. Once the imminent threat was gone, she took him back to the company.
The elves took them prisoner and escorted them to the realm of the woodland king. Thorin marched stoically, eyes front and spine straight, ignoring anything the elves had to say. Gloin was complaining loudly about the insults to his beloved family, and Dori was muttering about elves having no manners. Fili was doing his best to look harmless while an elf kept finding assorted weaponry tucked away. Kili ignored it all, unable to look away from the red-haired warrior elf maid.
That night was the first night he could remember that he didn’t describe the day’s colors to his brother. Fili was the furthest thing from his mind as he described a fire moon to an elf with stars in her eyes.
***
Kili remembered the escape in the barrels, and the chase of orcs and elves. He remembered running to open the spillway, and the pain of the arrow in his leg, made worse when he jumped back into the barrel and broke the shaft. He remembered being smuggled into Laketown, the fiasco in the armory, and the Master’s offer of help once Thorin promised to share the treasure. That’s when things started to get blurry, but he would never forget the pain of his uncle’s rejection, or how it felt to be left behind like a broken tool that had outlived its usefulness.
He would also never forget that his brother stayed with him. Fili was Thorin’s heir, would sit on the recovered throne one day, and had more right than anyone but Thorin to be there when they opened the hidden door. Instead he chose to stay and take care of Kili. Thorin urged Fili to go, and Fili told him, “I belong with my brother.”
Kili wanted to tell him to go, to help reclaim his birthright, but he didn’t want to be left in this town of Men, sick and alone. He selfishly stayed silent when Fili and Oin said they’d stay.
Everything after that turned into a fevered dream. Bard’s family, Fili’s worried face, Bofur running out, it all seemed unreal. The only thing that stood out was his vision of Tauriel, glowing like one of her beloved stars.
Then the lake burned. The heat made his skin feel tight, and he hoped it was from the fever, but no. The dragon had come, and the world was smoke and flame. All he could do was watch as the dragon made pass after pass burning the town, and pray that their little boat made it out safely.
***
Tauriel had gone with her prince, even after Kili asked her to come with him. He understood that there were things that needed to be done and she had a duty to her people, but it still hurt. He watched her go until Fili snapped at him to pick up an oar and start rowing.
After they reached the opposite shore, all of them were exhausted. The air tasted of ash, and they could see the town still burning in the distance, reflecting off the water in a false sunset. They decided to camp near the shore, and Kili was so tired he was asleep as soon as he laid down.
The next day he felt better. They were still wearing rags, and had empty bellies, but the poison had left his system. They were able to make good time, with Fili leading the way and urging the others on. They stopped for the night when it became too dark to continue, but they would make the front gates by midmorning of the next day.
Fili offered to take first watch, but Kili was too keyed up to sleep. He joined his brother on a boulder, sitting shoulder to shoulder as they so often did.
“I wish we had a pipe,” Fili murmured.
“And an ale,” Kili agreed. They sat in silence for a moment before he said, “I think I figured it out.”
“What’s that?”
“Why I see colors.”
Fili went utterly still. He took a deep breath before asking, “Why, then?”
Kili looked up at the stars and smiled. “Because of Tauriel. I saw colors because my soulmate isn’t a dwarf. She’s an elf! It all makes sense now.”
“What?”
“She’s amazing.” Kili drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. “Did you see how she fought those orcs by the river? She’s an expert with her bow and blades.”
“Kili.”
“You should have seen her kill the spiders in the forest, too. And she’s got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, the color of a spring leaf in the sun.”
“Kili!” Fili stood up abruptly.
“What’s wrong?” Kili was surprised to see Fili scowling at him. “I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“Happy?” Fili took a step back. “We just saw a dragon destroy Laketown. A dragon, Kili. A dragon that came out of Erebor alive and well. And if Smaug was alive and well, then what of the rest of our company? What of our uncle? You know, Thorin, your king and uncle. You do remember him. Or are you too busy mooning over some elf maid that helped take us prisoner? Oh, but it wasn’t much of a prison for you, was it? You got to spend the time flirting while the rest of us tried to think of a way to escape.”
Fili hadn’t scolded him like this since they were dwarflings, and Kili felt his face flame. He was angry, but underneath it was shame. He didn’t want to admit that Fili was right, he hadn’t given much thought to the others. Before he could think of a reply, Fili turned and started walking away. “Fee?”
Fili stopped but didn’t look back. He sighed before he said, “Just go to sleep. I’ll wake you when it’s your turn to take watch.”
Kili watched him walk into the dark before going to lay by the others. Sleep was a long time coming, but Fili never roused him.
***
Orcs, elves, trolls, and even a dragon were nothing compared to being in Erebor. Thorin was mad, refusing to listen to reason. Fili had withdrawn and wasn’t talking to anyone. Bilbo was gone, and the others only spoke in hushed whispers. This mountain was cursed and enemies were camped on their doorstep. Kili had a flash of hope when Dain arrived with reinforcements, but Thorin refused to let them leave the mountain.
Finally, all Kili’s anger, fear, and shame boiled over. He didn’t remember what he shouted at Thorin, but he would never forget how Thorin pressed their foreheads together as he struggled not to cry. He would also never forget how proud he felt as the others stood, weapons in hand, and rallied behind their king.
The stories hadn’t prepared him for the chaos of war. Screaming and shouting, the smells of smoke and sweat, and so much blood he could taste metal with every panting breath. Then Thorin was barking orders, and the mad dash to Ravenhill was a blur. He expected to be swatted like a fly at any second until Bofur pulled an utterly insane rescue.
They finally had a moment to catch their breaths once they cleared the terrace of orcs, but it didn’t last long. He didn’t want to leave when Thorin gave them the order to scout the towers, but followed Fili wordlessly.
It was confusing, in the hallways and tunnels between the towers. He thought he heard a noise and started forward, but Fili stopped him. “Search the lower levels. I’ve got this.”
Kili nodded and hurried to do as he was told. The sooner they could get out of these ruins, the better he would feel. He didn’t find anything but footprints in the snow, so he made his way back to where he thought Thorin was waiting. He came out a couple of levels too high, but before he could turn around he heard the bass thud of an orc drum. It was hard to tell with the sound echoing through the rocks, but it sounded like the banging was coming from above him. From where he had thoughtlessly left Fili alone.
He saw Thorin, Bilbo, and Dwalin all transfixed, horror in their eyes. It felt like he was moving in slow motion when he stepped out of the passage to look up, but he couldn’t see what they were staring at. His blood ran cold when he recognized Azog’s voice, though.
He didn’t understand the orc’s black speech, but he heard Fili clearly. “Go. Run!”
A pain shot through his chest and he was unable to breathe. Suddenly everything looked pale and washed out. Then Fili landed at his feet with a dull thud.
He couldn’t understand what he was seeing. The blond hair that Kili loved so much looked grey. He knew Fili’s eyes were a sparkling blue, but now they were a lifeless pale color, almost white. The blood was black. Time stopped as he stared at Fili. When he realized what it meant, he sucked in a shocked breath.
He exploded into motion. A part of his mind heard Thorin calling for him, knew this was futile, a suicide mission. The rest of him was drowning in fury and sorrow. He focused on revenge and killing anything that stood in his path. He couldn’t stop. If he stopped, he would think. That was not something he could do right now if he wanted to remain sane.
“Kili!”
That was Tauriel’s voice. He whipped around, trying to find her. He was the reason she was in that accursed place, and he refused to let one more person be sacrificed on the altar of his stupidity.
She was on the ground when he spotted her, and he leaped onto the orc’s back. The orc cast him aside and sneered, but Tauriel stood up. Kili leaped at the orc again. After a brief skirmish, there was a pain in his chest almost as bad as the one he felt when Fili died.
It hurt, and he could taste blood in his throat. He saw Tauriel on the ground crying, washed out in shades of black and white. The green eyes he was infatuated with were turned grey by the death of his soulmate.
He was dying. He could see the truth of it on Tauriel’s face, and he regretted bringing this ugliness into her life. He never wanted anyone to get hurt.
His own emotional turmoil had vanished, to be replaced by hope. He hoped Tauriel made it out of here unharmed. He hoped Thorin sat on the throne as King Under the Mountain for many years to come. He hoped dwarves, men, and elves conquered the orcs and came to know peace.
Most of all, he hoped Fili was waiting for him. And he hoped that Fili could forgive him for being so blind all these years. He hoped Fili would be willing to listen.
With a final exhale, Kili closed his eyes and went in search of Fili. His brother, his soulmate, his One.