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Castiel Novak was eleven the first time he heard the voice of God. He remembers everything God said, but very little of what was shown to him. He saw people twirling around in the air, aided by hoops, ribbons, and ropes. He remembers that the people had wings.
“Angels, Castiel. Just like you.” God said. Castiel saw feathers of golds, reds, blues and whites. “Look at your reflection child, for you are just like them.” Castiel saw majestic wings upon his back, black and swept wide and powerful. The glistened in pinks and greens when different angles of light fell upon them. Looking from his reflection, Castiel quickly turned and looked behind him, saddened to find nothing there. “Not yet little one, but soon. When you come of age, run off and find the Winchester’s show. There will be others like you, you will see their wings, and they will see yours.”
Castiel Novak was eleven then, he’s eighteen now.
⁂
Castiel adjusted the strap of his bag, nervously looking around the meadow. Wings. Wings and feathers of all colors. People, lots of people. A boy his age ran up to him and introduced himself.
“My name’s Dean Winchester, I like your wings.”
Dean’s wings were a deep emerald, wide spread and well groomed. Castiel glanced back at his own, seeing them for the first time in seven years. They were lowered and looked dull in contrast to the bright pigmentation of Dean’s.
“I’m Castiel Novak. I hate my wings.”
Dean frowned. He seemed confused. Castiel couldn’t comprehend why, his wings were black and that was all they were. Dean’s primary feathers were not, in fact, emerald. They were the color of grass and green apples. Castiel had black feathers and that was all.
Dean’s wings sagged and he sighed. “Cas, you should see your wings. They’re incredible.” Castiel shook his head. All his life he was told that nothing about him was nice. Dean sighed once more and guided Castiel to the man in charge of the show. He had weathered wings, the color of the sky before a storm. They were old like him, but fantastic. He introduced himself as Bobby Singer.
⁂
Dean and Castiel’s love story blossomed up in the air. Spinning and twirling around the stage.
⁂
“Why won’t you believe me when I tell you that you’re beautiful?” Dean asked. Castiel sighed and rubbed his face. Dean was crying and shaking. Castiel hated himself. He hated how it was his fault that Dean was like this.
“Because I know I’m not, Dean. Please, I need you to forget about me. Forget me. Forget I even exist, please.” Now Castiel was crying. “I can’t possibly be important.” He looked Dean in the eyes. “Free will is a length of rope, and God wants me to hang myself with it. I’m afraid I might kill myself, Dean.”
Dean moved close to Castiel, he wanted to hold him tight and tell him that he’s wrong. That he’s important. He wants to tell Castiel that everything will be okay. But Castiel steps back from Dean and closer to the door of the small trailer. “I’m so sorry Dean. Please just- just forget about me.”
“How could I forget the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me?”
Castiel offered a sad smile. “I’m not the greatest. Please hate me if you have to. I love you, Dean.” He opened the door of the trailer and stepped out into the night.
“I hate you Castiel Novak! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”
He left his happiness in that room. He also left his love.
Castiel arrived when he was eighteen, and left when he was twenty-one.
⁂
On October 17th, 1983 Castiel was found by a woman beaten to a pulp and having an animated conversation about angels and freewill. He was bruised, crying and laughing all at once. He looked at the woman with a wild grin and whispered “Oh what Dean would think of me now.”
⁂
On October 19th, 1983 Castiel was admitted into a mental institution.
Castiel didn’t know why. But he finds himself in conversation with himself. He’ll speak in a sharp higher pitched tone, as if mimicking a woman, saying things like
“You’re worthless child!”
“You were an accident!”
“A mistake!”
“You should have hung yourself long ago!”
Soon he’d fire back in a deep, loving tone
“You’re beautiful, Cas!”
“Your wings are just like the night.”
“What did I do to ever get you Cas?”
Back and forth. Day and night.
“Worthless!”
“Beautiful!”
Each time he’d laugh and look down muttering the same thing again, and again.
“Oh what Dean would think of me now.”
⁂
Castiel hasn’t seen his wings in two years. It’s December 5th, 1985 now. He’s avoided all mirrors and looks away from reflective surfaces. He doesn’t want to see the mess they’ve become. He doesn’t want to see the mussed feathers that Dean worked to groom and praise individually.
He want’s to know what Dean’s become. So he asks for a pen and paper and writes a letter to Sam, Dean’s brother. Sam had red wings that looked like the sunrise reflected on his feathers.
⁂
Two weeks later he hears back.
Dear Castiel.
Dean’s been well recently. It’s been difficult for him to get over you, but I think he’s done it. He’s met a lovely woman with gentle brown wings named Lisa. They have a child on the way. They married in October, the 17th, I believe.
I do not wish for Dean to relapse, he turned to alcohol after you left, nearly killing himself. Our father has declared you an enemy, a demon of sorts. One to mess with Dean and then spatter his heart upon the walls. Our father has declared that if you were to ever to return, he’d kill you on sight.
Please do not write again.
-Sam Winchester
⁂
Castiel has a panic attack for the first time that night. The kind, deep voice has been replaced by a mocking, gruff voice.
“You’re worthless and better off dead.”
“If you step near that boy, you’ll be dead in ten seconds.”
“You’re a demon, you aught to be killed.”
Castiel now knows that if God offered, he would take the rope. There is no free will here, which is why he must get out.
⁂
He does it. How he gets out, he doesn’t remember. The nurses won’t know it until the morning, so that means Castiel has a few hours to get as far as he can. They won’t send anyone after him, he knows it. He’s just another basket case.
⁂
He’s in his white scrubs. Well, they were white. Now, they’re covered in dirt and probably blood. They’re rumpled and covered in tears.
“Worthless! Worthless! Worthless Castiel! Poor little man has gone mad! Yes he has! Yes he has!” He’ll yell aloud. He will laugh and cry. Sometime’s he sees Dean screaming at him. He no longer remembers the kinds words Dean said to him, two years ago. Or was it three? Castiel can seem to find a rope.
⁂
He misses the feeling of flying. He can’t hear his heart beat anymore. Then he remembers that it was left with his happiness. He finds himself in a city one day. Voices around him say it’s Boston. This scares him, because this is his hometown. It’s been about three months since he escaped. His hair is a mess and he’s grown a beard. He found old scissors in a trash can and cut his hair. It’s not long, but it’s all sorts of disaster.
⁂
He’s in Boston still. Winter there is horrible, so he may leave soon. He saw Dean. If Dean saw him, there would be no way Castiel would be recognized. He’d be just another bum on the sidewalk. His wings were spectacular. They’ve got new shades of green in them. His arm was wrapped around a woman with brown wings. Lisa. She had a stroller.
Dean is happy. Dean is married. Dean has a family.
⁂
Castiel is still in Boston. So is Dean.
⁂
Dean saw him. Mr. and Mrs. Dean Winchester were leaving a restaurant when Dean caught sight of Castiel’s wings. “I’ll be home later Lisa, I need to go take care of something.” He handed her car keys and she walked away.
Castiel ran. He felt wind upon his wings. Dean ran faster.
⁂
Castiel let and a whimper and avoided eye contact.
“What happened to your wings Cas? They were so beautiful.”
Castiel was crying. He forced himself to look at the man he’d left behind. Last time they met, Dean was the one crying. Dean looks horrified. Castiel looks down again. Castiel spreads his wings out for the first time in three years. He sees his reflection in a window. There are patches missing. Whatever shine his feathers had was gone. He couldn’t look his reflection in the eye.
“Cas. What happened to you?”
A laugh bubbled from Castiel’s throat. He took sharp breaths. “Wanna know what happened to me Winchester? The voices-Oh the voices! They’re so honest you see? They tell me things about myself. ‘Oh you’re so worthless Castiel!’ ‘You’d be better off dead!’ Dean Winchester. Oh Dean Winchester..you’re so amazing. But I hear you too! You’re honest just like them! ‘I hate you Castiel! Hate! Hate! Hate!’” Castiel shook his head. “I’m insane Dean Winchester! Insane! I was put into an institution by a woman I didn’t know! I need to go now,” Castiel laughed again. “If your dad sees me- why, he’d kill me! Shoot me down like a bird. He’d pluck my feathers and leave me to die. If he wouldn’t, then the voices would! They’d tell me to pluck my feathers and hang myself!”
“Cas! Castiel Novak stop this right now. This isn’t funny! This isn’t you, you- you aren’t like this.”
Castiel grinned. “Oh Dean Winchester! You wish this was all a play. So do I! My problem is that I can’t seem to find a rope long enough! Nobody with common sense will give the crazy man a rope, no!”
“Cas..what did you do to yourself?”
“I listened to myself! I let the voices in. It was just my mother at first. ‘You’re worthless! You were a mistake!’ but then you came along ‘Oh Castiel! You’re amazing!’ Oh you two drove me mad. It was so confusing you see, having two voices telling you different things. But then your voice went bad and got replaced by your father! ‘You demon! You menace! You aught to be hunted down and sent back to hell!’ don’t believe me? Ask ole’ Sammy! He knows the answer.”
“Cas. CAS! Buddy, it’s all going to be fine. There are some nice people coming to take you to the hospital.”
Castiel stumbled away from Dean. “Dean Winchester..you didn’t! Oh you did! Why would you do that!” Castiel was crying again. “I-I thought you loved me. Why would you send me back? Please Dean. Please don’t let them take me. Dean I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. Oh Dean! There’s so many voices in my head all the time. I can’t hear myself think, it’s always someone else.
There’s a man restraining him now. Castiel is sobbing. “Dean! Dean don’t do this to me! Dean I don’t want to go!” Dean’s crying but he won’t look at Castiel. There’s a sharp pain in his arm and he can see the world blurring. His fears are confirmed.
Dean Winchester no longer loves him.
⁂
He wakes up in a hospital bed. He’s hooked up to multiple machines and there’s a nurse with a name tag that says “Meg” on it. She looks over at Castiel and smiles. “Good morning Mr. Winchester. How do you feel?” Castiel takes a deep breath and looks around.
“Confused.”
She smiles. “Don’t worry Mr. Winchester. That’s a common feeling for someone who just woke up from a coma.”
Castiel’s confused. Coma? “What happened..?” He asks. She doesn’t look fazed.
“You were in a car accident, sir. You’re husband and you were going down the I-90 when you hit an ice patch and spun off the road.”
Husband? Dean walks into the room, arm in a cast, but a smile on his face.
Husband, Dean. Wings, nonexistent.
All a false reality. There are no wings. There is no Lisa. There are no voices.
It was all fake. But this, this is real. Dean and Castiel have been married for three years. They met in college and have a surrogate mother for a child about 6 months pregnant. The doctor says it’s a boy. Dean and Castiel own a house in Kansas and they couldn’t be happier. Castiel lets out a sigh of relief. No voices. Just his own conscience.
“Hey babe, how you feeling?”
Castiel grins. “Incredible.”