Chapter Text
“There’s no fucking way you’re really this incompetent.”
You glare at the short man in front of you as your feet dangle uselessly in the air for a moment before your body slowly tilts forward – for the eleventh time that day – and you faceplant in the dirt. You let out a groan and don’t even try to get up this time, thinking more about what got you into this situation to begin with.
It was only a little over a week ago when you arrived in Survey Corps Commander Erwin Smith’s office with a recommendation letter asking that you be granted a place in the Corps immediately - without going through the official training process.
“Erwin,” you greeted, closing the door behind you. You briefly scanned the organized room, noticing not much had changed since the last time you had been there.
“To what to I owe the pleasure of your visit today, (F/N)?” Erwin asked, leaning his chin on clasped hands. “I don’t recall sending for you recently.”
“No,” you replied, stepping around the guest chair and towards his desk; that chair wasn’t here last time, you noted. You reached into a pocket on the side of your brown skirt to pull out a heavy, white envelope before tossing it onto the desk in front of him. “This is for you.”
Erwin glanced at the envelope for a moment, eyes lingering on the wax seal, before opening it and pulling out its contents. The only sound in the room was the tapping of your foot while you waited for him to read the included letter, jitters going through your body that could only be attributed to feelings akin to anxiety and regret; was this really worth it?
You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding when Erwin’s eyes finally left the paper to search your own instead.
“Unconditional support from a noble – this noble in particular – sounds like a ruse,” Erwin suggested. “What’s the catch?” he asked, his eyes not leaving yours. You quirked your head to the side and gave Erwin one of your most charming smiles.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said, taking a seat in the chair beside you. You tried to force the jitters down; it wouldn’t do to let Erwin know you were having second thoughts about this. “The kind lord simply wants to assist me in furthering my heroic hopes and dreams in gratitude for all I’ve done for him and his family. Didn’t the letter mention something like that?” You lounged back into the chair, crossing one leg over the other.
Erwin didn’t speak; his sharp eyes scanned your face, searching for something. You casually leaned your cheek against the palm of your hand. “All he wants in return is my own happiness. Of course, since he’s so dedicated, I’m sure he’ll send by some of his contacts to check in on me and make sure I’m being given the treatment he expects,” you said, still smiling. Erwin still didn’t speak; you knew he was sharp enough not to take that as a threat, but to read deeper instead. After what felt like an hour of being silently scrutinized – but was probably closer to thirty seconds – the man nodded, seemingly satisfied.
“Alright,” he said, pulling out a blank sheet of paper and a pen. For a moment you felt as though your heart had stopped; even with all the resolve you could muster, it seemed a part of you was still hoping he would turn down the lord’s offer. He scratched down a quick note on the paper before folding it and sliding it across the desk to you. “Take this to Hange. She’ll assign you living quarters and oversee your training. Welcome to the Survey Corps, (F/N).” You tried not to shudder as he uttered the same words that had likely been the equivalent of a death sentence to countless individuals before you – except even those individuals had undergone extensive training first. You shook your hands as if you were slinging off droplets of water, hoping instead to fling off the cold, clammy feeling washing over you.
“Thank you, Erwin,” you said, standing. You made an effort to keep your smile just as charming as it had been before. “Though I suppose I should refer to you as Commander now.”
After bidding Erwin a temporary farewell, you allowed your smile to drop while traveling along the familiar hallways of the Survey Corps HQ until you were in front of Hange’s office door. Rubbing a hand over your face, you tried to force away the doubt that was still creeping through your veins. Stick with your damn decisions, (F/N), you thought. After slapping the sides of your face, you knocked twice.
“Come in!”
Without announcing yourself further, you simply opened the door, stepped inside, and then closed it again, waiting for the brunette to notice you. You leaned to the side to get a better look at what she was staring at on her desk. Raising an eyebrow, you watched her stick her face uncomfortably close to a test tube containing something most people would probably rather not identify. After scribbling something down onto a scrap of paper beside the tube, she finally turned around and froze for a moment before smiling and bolting up from her chair.
“(F/N)!” she yelled, almost vaulting over her chair to crush you into a hug. As much as you missed the ability to breathe, you had to admit that normal feeling seemed to be returning to your body in the presence of Hange Zoe, one of the few people you allowed yourself to be open with. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad? “What are you doing here? Erwin didn’t tell me he was hiring you for another job!”
“H-Hange,” you gasped out, gently patting her back. “Can’t breathe…”
“Oops,” she said, letting go. “Really, what are you doing here, though?”
You gave her a small smile and handed her the paper with Erwin’s note. “This is from Erwin.”
Hange took the note and read it, her excited expression dropping into one of confusion. “You haven’t had any training at all?” she asked. You shook your head. “And you… want to join the Survey Corps?” She narrowed her eyes at you. You knew it would be harder to convince Hange to accept this than it had been to convince Erwin. Even soldiers who had gone through intense training to be able to fight Titans still didn’t want to join the faction with the highest death count, and you had never mentioned a desire to join to Hange in the past.
“I’ve been interested in the Survey Corps since I was 11,” you explained. “It’s always been a goal of mine to join and do my part in helping save humanity. I just never had the chance before now due to my upbringing and other circumstances.” You didn’t bother to hide the monotony in your voice; Hange would have been able to tell you’d rehearsed that even if you tried to fake it.
Hange furrowed her brow, attempting to analyze your little speech. “Look, (F/N), I don’t know what this is about, but…” she trailed off. “If you’re sure, and even Erwin gave it the okay, I guess there isn’t much I can say against it.” After another moment of silence, a grin took over her face again. “We can talk about my new hypothesis I thought of about the Titans a couple of days ago! I can even request for you to be on my squad! Not that Erwin has approved to have us capture a Titan alive yet, but I swear I’ll convince him soon!” A gentle smile crossed your face as Hange began to excitedly ramble about her plans to convince the Commander of the benefits of capturing a live Titan – not that you hadn’t heard it before.
“Hange, I hate to interrupt,” you said, “but I do need to go get my trunk of things and get settled in. Can we get that done and then talk more after dinner, maybe?”
Hange agreed, and so began your first day as a member of the Survey Corps. Hange showed you to the female, cadet-rank dormitory and helped you get your things organized before giving you a rundown of your schedule; this included meal times and training times, though you wouldn’t be allowed to train with the other cadets until you were at least up to speed on the basics that were typically covered during the three years of training almost everyone else had to go through. She gave you one of her uniforms to borrow until she could get a couple sent in for you in your size; your cheeks flushed when you had to ask her for help with getting into the pants and buckles.
Private training began with Hange the next day, but things didn’t go quite as planned. Instead of becoming acquainted with the feeling of flying, you became well acquainted with the taste of dirt. Hange had you perform various exercises in an attempt to increase your leg and core strength, but nothing seemed to be working fast enough to gain apparent results. After about a week of trying out your luck with aptitude on the 3-Dimensional Maneuver Gear, Hange was forced to report to Erwin that you hadn’t been able to stay upright for long enough to advance to the next level of training.
In your spare time, you found yourself lounging on the couch in Hange’s office more than spending time in your assigned room – you knew you’d have to become friendly with your roommates at some point, but you didn’t quite feel in the mood for charming them when all that was on your mind was your complete failure with this job before it had even really had a chance to begin. I’ve never failed a job before, you reminded yourself daily. I can do this.
On the evening after Hange had reported to Erwin about your lack of aptitude, you were writing in your journal when Hange came storming into the office. You looked up, waiting for her to speak, but she just kept staring at you with a slight scowl on her face – she looked as though some elaborate plot of hers had been thwarted. “If you keep that expression up for much longer, your face might freeze that way and you’d be forced to look like Levi for eternity,” you joked dryly. Hange snorted before letting out a long sigh and relaxing into her desk chair.
“Well, I hope you like Levi’s face, because he’s going to be stealing you from me for a while.”
You blinked twice. “What?”
“You know I had to tell Erwin that you weren’t doing so well with training,” Hange explained with a grimace. “Of course, rather than being sensible and saying that you shouldn’t keep a position in the military if you can’t stay upright – not that I don’t love having you around, (F/N), I’m just concerned - he’s decided that you might, uh, learn better if Levi trains you instead.”
“Why the hell would Levi be any better at it than you?” you spat. It’s not like you had anything against the man; he just wasn’t someone you could be yourself around, which would make you even tenser than you already were. Though you did have to admit that you had suspicions about Hange not training you quite as thoroughly as she should; something about her behavior had felt a bit off.
“Erwin’s reasoning was that, since Levi didn’t learn from conventional training methods like the rest of us, he might have some kind of different tricks to figuring it out,” Hange explained. “I guess the idea has some merit to it, but, (F/N)…” Hange trailed off, leaning closer in your direction. “Are you really sure you want to do this?”
There it was again, the question that plagues you in your own mind and from Hange each day for the past week. “Yes,” you responded without hesitating. No. But you have to do it. You can’t back out when your one goal is on the line. What’s the worst that can happen? Becoming Titan food. Maybe you should try a bit harder. “It’s fine. Maybe Levi will be helpful.” Maybe Levi won’t have any qualms about training me since he doesn’t care for me in particular. Or maybe he’ll decide I’m un-trainable and convince Erwin to kick me out. Or maybe he will just kill me instead. It’s fine.
You groaned and pressed your face into your hands. If you say it’s okay enough times, maybe it will become true?
“On a different note, how are you getting along with your roommates?” Hange asked with a nervous chuckle, changing the subject. You slowly lifted your head from your hands.
“I’ve been avoiding them, if you hadn’t noticed,” you said, indicating towards your spot on the sofa with your hands. “I’d at least like to be labeled as something other than a failure before I attempt to bond with anyone, really.”
“Aw, and here I thought you just loved spending time with me that much,” Hange whined before letting out a soft hum. “Maybe you could ask them for tips.”
“I’d rather not draw attention to the fact that a noble bought me a position here without even sending me through a day of training first,” you drawled, lying down. You flung an arm over your eyes. “Everyone’s going to think I’m some spoiled, Sina brat.”
“Hmm, I suppose that is what it sounds like if you were to look at the situation as an outsider,” Hange murmured thoughtfully.
“Not helping.”
“Sorry, sorry,” she chuckled. “But really, they’re all super nice. Stop hiding in my office and go make some more friends!”
“Don’t wanna,” you muttered, rolling on your side so that you were facing the back of the couch. “I already made a new friend. This couch is my friend. You and the couch are plenty.”
“Maybe you’ll become friends with Levi,” Hange said, laughing at your antics. “You both like tea.”
“Somehow that doesn’t seem likely,” you replied. “I’ve encountered him on and off for five years and we’ve never even exchanged more than stupid small talk, if it can even be considered that. I’m sure he’ll just run me into the ground. Maybe,” you sighed again, “just maybe, it will magically work and I’ll be able to remove dirt and grass from my diet.” Hange laughed once more.
“Let’s hope so,” she said. “Just meet him tomorrow morning, same time and place as normal. And good luck; shorty’s got quite the temper.”
So here you are, attempting to learn from Captain Levi; too bad all you’d done so far was spend half of the day eating more dirt.
“Which idiot in Sina thought it would be a good idea to send such an inept brat to join the military?” Levi asks as you push yourself up off of the ground. You spit out some grass that got shoved into your mouth before wiping away a large chunk of dirt on your chin.
“That’s classified information,” you mutter as you brush the dirt off of your uniform – though you begin to doubt that this uniform will be salvageable with all of the dirt and grass stains encrusted in it over the past week. You yank on the buckles and sides of the pants a little, still unable to adjust to the tightness around your legs.
“Tch. Disgusting.”
You rub your forehead as you meet his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Maybe, sir, I could improve if you would inform me of what I’m doing wrong,” you suggest with a smile. Your back is tense and you would give anything to go lie in your plush, warm bed back inside Wall Rose, but you cover your negativity with a quirk of your head and the smile that’s charmed hundreds of people to spill their deepest secrets to you without a second thought.
However, Levi’s scowl remains unaffected by your methods as he steps forward, pulling your face in front of his with the collar of your shirt. It’s not like you haven’t been around Levi before, but you’d never seen his steely glare quite so close-up until that moment. Your pulse speeds up. “What is it those bastards say during training? Something about how soldiers who can’t even stay upright aren’t worthy of being so much as a decoy?” His eyes scan down your body before trailing back up to your face, taking some sort of silent assessment. “Unhook yourself and run twenty laps around the compound,” he orders, releasing you and stepping back.
You don’t move, just standing there and blinking at him for longer than you should have. He quirks an eyebrow and stares at you expectantly. “That was an order.”
You let out a sharp exhale through your nose before your usual smile returns to your face. “Yes, sir.”
As you reach the halfway point in your laps, you begin to realize that – while you weren’t particularly out of shape – your body isn’t in the condition it needed to be for you to survive in a military environment. Hange’d had you running laps as well, but not quite so many as once; you assumed she was trying to slowly ease you into running more. Or maybe she was just lovingly trying to get me kicked out, you consider. You slow to a stop and look up at the sky before covering your face with your hands. “Is this really worth it?” you mutter before shaking your head and bending down to adjust the pants and straps again; how the hell do people stand wearing these?
“Keep running, brat!” you hear Levi yell. You jump back into an upright position before you start running again, albeit a bit slower than you had been before.
After what felt like ages of running, you finally finish your last lap and slow to a stop in front of Levi, leaning over and breathing heavily. Sweat drips down the side of your face, but you’re too exhausted to wipe it away.
“Oi,” he says. You look up just in time to see him toss a canteen – probably water – in your direction. You catch it smoothly. “Drink it. I don’t plan on dealing with you passing out if you get dehydrated.”
You do as he says a drink the water before tossing the canteen back to him.
“Hook back up. You’re trying again.”
“Right now?” you ask, exasperated, as your legs tremble.
“Do it,” he orders, clearly unamused. You force yourself not to respond and trudge up to the device that had been tormenting you for a week. You hook yourself in and anxiously wait for Levi to turn the crank that would lift up the wires.
This is ridiculous, you think, tightening your core muscles as your feet lift off the ground. If I can’t do it when I feel my best, how would I be able to do it when my legs feel boneless? But for once, you aren’t immediately tipping forward; maybe Levi’s hellish laps worked some kind of magic? For a brief moment, you entertain the idea that, this time, you’ll manage to stay upright – but then your body goes backwards. Your vision shoots to black for a moment as the back of your head hits the ground.
“Shit,” you mutter, trying to reach around to the back of your head. All of a sudden, your whole body flops to the ground; Levi must have unhooked your belt from the device.
“Pathetic,” he scoffs. You bristle, shifting your body position on the ground; what does he expect after having you run twenty laps? “Is your gear broken?”
“Hange checked it a couple of days ago and even had me use someone else’s gear,” you explain, sitting up. You shake your head in an attempt to regain your sense of balance, feeling dazed. “Unless everyone’s gear is broken, that’s probably not the issue. Sir.”
“Oh?” Levi says, squatting down in front of you. “Then I guess you’ll just have to run another twenty laps. If there’s any dinner left by the time you’re done, feel free to eat.”
Your mouth hangs open stupidly before you snap it shut and smile at him and his damned bored expression. “Yes, sir.” He watches you scrutinizingly as you stand, rub the back of your head, and start off at a jog in the same direction you had before.
“Faster, brat!”