Chapter Text
“Guess who’s back?” Hanbin’s manager asked breaking the industrious silence of the room. Hanbin and his manager, Chung Namkyu, were in his studio, a small loft that sat above the garage of the unassuming townhouse Hanbin had bought in Mapo-Gu, not far from the YG building. It was a simple all-white studio with pale floorboards, a skylight, white walls and good acoustics.
Keen to get to work Hanbin had set it up rather quickly with expensive but reliable sound recording equipment and a keyboard. His mother had sweetly tried to beautify the studio along with the rest of the house when he’d first moved in, adding in some furniture to make it seem more homely, placing a few pot plants here there, and laying a stack of elegant photography books on the coffee table. However, she’d given up doing anything more to it once she’d realised Hanbin barely looked past his computer screen. Now she just made sure she stocked up his fridge whenever she came by, it was more practical.
Hanbin was at the computer mixing a new track he’d been working on with Tablo. His manager lay sprawled on the white leather couch across from him reading press releases on his phone. Hanbin took his time to reply to his manager, picking up from his tone of voice that Namkyu was in a teasing mood. Hanbin didn’t have much energy for teasing these days.
“Who.” Hanbin responded finally.
“Come on, you have to try. Guess.”
“Shady?” His manager shook his head at Hanbin’s awful joke.
“No. Bobby, Kim Jiwon, you idiot. He’s back from the states.”
The name caught Hanbin by surprise, like feeling something unexpected and sharp in the bottom of his shoe. He tried his hardest to keep his cool, fixing his eyes on the computer screen in front of him.
“Oh, he went to the states?” he replied, trying out his best casual voice.
“You know he went to the states, Bin…” His managers voice was low and full of meaning. Hanbin’s face felt warm and his right hand fiddled nervously with the headphones sitting around his neck.
“He’s been there for quite a while now,” Namkyu continued slowly and steadily, aware this information was going to be hard for Hanbin to process. “He worked on a mixtape over there, did some collaborations with some American artists, really got into the rap battle scene…and dated a fair bit by the sounds of things…”
Before he could stop himself Hanbin finally looked up at his manager, unable to conceal the surprise on his face.
…Jiwon was dating? A fair bit?
Hanbin suddenly felt sick. Ever since Jiwon had broken up with him he’d known this day would come eventually. He’d also known that no matter how hard he prepared for the news it would still hit him like a punch. Now here it was, and it was as every bit as painful as he imagined. He took a moment to catch his breath against the emotional daggers plunging into his chest.
“I’m happy for him.”
His manager sighed. He got up off the couch, walked over to him at the desk and put a hand on his shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze. Hanbin groaned inwardly. He knew exactly what was coming next.
“That’s very stoic of you…but listen, I’m worried about you.”
“Uh-huh,” Hanbin droned, having heard this countless times before.
“It’s been nearly two years since the two of you broke up -”
“- actually it’s been one year and nine months…” Hanbin corrected his manager flatly. Namkyu stared. Hanbin’s face went warm again.
“Ok, a year and nine months. Hanbin, it has probably felt like a really long time to you-”
“-it has.”
“-You were dealing with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of change-”
“-I was.”
“But nonetheless…you've achieved a lot during this time, I’m really proud of you. Your solo album was critically acclaimed and hugely successful, you’ve won awards and the poetry collection you wrote with Tablo is still selling like hotcakes…But you, on a personal level…I don’t think you’re happy and I think it’s because you’re having trouble moving on from Kim Jiwon. I know it hurts to hear this but look, he’s moved on and I think it’s time you did too.” Hanbin looked up at his manager and smiled meekly.
“I’ve accepted it Nam, I accepted it ages ago…” Namkyu felt a powerful tenderness towards Hanbin come over him but he shook his head and pulled up a chair next to him, wanting him meet his eyes and take him seriously. Namkyu was a strange guy, he was much older than Hanbin but in many ways he seemed the same age in the way he carried himself and spoke. He was incredibly professional and dependable yet he had a wicked sense of humour and a boldness that Hanbin appreciated for its authenticity. Although Namkyu loved to tease him he also knew that Namkyu’s faith in his creative abilities and genuine concern for his welfare was what made him so reliable...and pushy at times! The Namkyu sitting next to him now looked like a youthful father about to lecture his even more youthful son. Hanbin almost smiled.
“Accepting it and moving on are still two different things, Hanbin. I think it’s time you got back out there.”
“Out where…?” Hanbin murmured suspiciously, refusing to make eye contact and not liking the trajectory of the conversation at all.
“Back out there! Going out at night, meeting new people…having new experiences…”
“You know I don’t like mindless parties, clubbing, and hanging out with the right people, all the silly rumours and scandals that come with it…I prefer to be doing something I enjoy, like…”
“working in your studio by yourself till 4am?” His manager deadpanned disapprovingly. Hanbin smiled and chuckled.
“Yeah. And?”
“Hanbin, I need to be very honest with you. I am your manager but I also double as your YG appointed publicist, right?” Hanbin nodded cautiously. “So, I need to take care of your image, right?” Hanbin nodded again more slowly. “Well Bobby coming back has caused quite the media frenzy. The tabloids are already speculating about your reaction because of that whole feud narrative they have going on between you two.”
Hanbin stared at his computer screen, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. That “feud narrative” had caused him enough grief and heartbreak already. He found it sadly ironic that the tabloids still relished in attributing the end of their relationship to a “business-related falling out.” If only they knew that was not even the half of it.
“The media is predicting you’re going to avoid him, and so, your CEO and myself think it is best we disrupt those predictions by having you put on a positive front. YG doesn’t want feud narratives between his artists, that is going against the YG family image. And I personally think this is a good opportunity to get you out of this forever-single rut you are in at the same time.”
Hanbin stared at his manager anxiously…what the hell did he mean?
“…So that’s why I have taken the liberty of alerting a certain swanky Hongdae club that you will be gracing them with your presence this evening at 11:30pm.”
Hanbin’s face blanched white with horror.
“No.”
“Yes. Now come on, we’ve got to pick something for you to wear tonight. I’m going to give your stylist a call for some advice. You’re getting picked up tonight. Or picking up, but we both know that is less likely. Guy or girl, doesn’t matter. Best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone new.” Namkyu threw him a camp wink.
Hanbin sat rooted to his computer chair in a state of raw panic.
“And what if I refuse to go??”
“hmm….well, the media and the club are already expecting you to be there…so it will be a bit awkward/suspicious/sad if you don’t show up, particularly with Bobby back in town hitting up the clubs. They might think you’re trying to avoid something, you get me?”
“Oh my God, why have you done this??” Hanbin covered his face with his hands. He wasn’t ready for this, especially not after the Jiwon-dating news. The daggers were still stabbing his chest, he needed more time to process, to pull each dagger out, one by one.
“To be honest Hanbin, it’s because I love you, as a client and as a friend. If you don’t get out there the tabloids are going to have a fucking field day, creating sad, pitiful narratives about you avoiding Bobby in public places because you two are still “fighting.” But also, I gotta get you out there back in the game! I genuinely believe getting laid will be good for you, might give you some pep.”
“Oh my god,” Hanbin slumped in his chair feeling like he was going to pass out any moment. Namkyu ignored his state of despair and gave him a quick look-over.
“I’ll give your makeup artist and hairstylist a call too, you definitely need a bit of patching up before we head out…”
***
It was 11:30 and they should have been at the club already. Instead they were still in the car heading there. The stylist and hairstylist had finally finished dolling Hanbin up, the car had arrived, the bodyguard was suited up, and Namkyu had been madly calling people (Hanbin presumed the other boys to invite them out and keep him company). Then, Hanbin had dug in his heels at the last moment. In a panic he’d locked himself in the bathroom and leant over the basin, staring at his pallid face in the mirror, trying to catch his breath.
He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for the crowds, he wasn’t ready for the club, he wasn’t ready for the clubbers, he wasn’t ready for the cameras, he wasn’t ready to try and look like he was having fun. He wasn’t ready to move on.
Namkyu had eventually coaxed him out by promising him that if he still wasn’t having fun after an hour they could leave.
“Promise??” Hanbin had pleaded nervously as his manager forced his head down and pushed him into the car as if he was a criminal under arrest.
“Yes, but there was a condition I forgot to mention.” Namkyu replied, swinging into the car himself.
“Namkyu!” Hanbin whined.
“We will stay as long as it takes. So you better work fast. If it takes an hour great, but if it takes you longer…see it’s up to you really.”
“As long as it takes for what??”
“I want you to either pick up or get picked up. It’s time to move on. Just be cool, the people will flock to you anyway. You just have to stand there and look pretty. You’re a handsome man Hanbin, and besides…you’re one of Koreas hip hop stars right now - you’re a famous rapper this shouldn’t be hard - so God help us! Just remember to flirt, you always forget that part! I don’t get it….” Namkyu’s lecture faded into the background as Hanbin stared out the window becoming lost in his thoughts, watching the neon nightlights of Seoul pop out of the darkness and spread a hazy multi-coloured glow over everything.
Just remember to flirt…
Hanbin still didn’t understand how people could just flirt with one another, make their desires so blatantly apparent. It seemed to him to be such a presumptuous act. Sure, he might be attracted to someone but telling them that seemed ridiculous unless he knew there was interest there. What right did he have to make his liking them their problem? Furthermore, how could he tell when someone wanted to be flirted with?
Hanbin knew how to be nice, polite and interested…but apparently, according to so many sources he’d lost count, that wasn’t the same as flirting. “Apparently,” you had to have a little something else. That little something else being confidence, sex appeal, intention, humour, wit, mystery and there were other things but he’d forgotten them.
The boys had tried to teach him but they’d given up to a large extent, at least for the meantime. Hanbin’s theory was that he missed the time to learn how to flirt when he was a teen, he’d been too busy rapping and dancing in the YG practice rooms. Now it was simply too late. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
And anyway, he’d never learned because he’d never needed to. Jiwon had been the flirter and he was the only person he’d ever been with. Even with Jiwon it had taken him months to warm up to the concept of expressing his feelings. What had seemed so easy under the guise of “friendship” had suddenly become so exposing once those intense secret feelings were finally out in the open. But Jiwon was always so patient with him, happy to laugh off the awkwardness.
The car stopped sharply and a horn blasted from somewhere. They were caught in typical Hongdae traffic. Hanbin hoped they'd give up and just take him home. His manager was talking agitatedly on the phone…
All this thinking made Hanbin nostalgic and he felt dread creeping over him because if there was one thing he’d learned since being broken up with, is was that nostalgia is beautiful and seductive, but equally dangerous and soul-destroying.
But it was already too late now. He leaned his head against the cool glass of the car window and suddenly he was in the practice room with Bobby, they were both still trainees. He was leaning back against the mirrors and panting because he'd just finished practicing a new dance routine. Bobby had been watching on and because of that he was breathing unevenly too. They were standing just a foot apart and Hanbin’s heart was throbbing in his chest so hard he was sure Jiwon could hear it, maybe even feel it.
“Show me how you did that, with your arms,” Bobby demanded with his usual cheerful carelessness.
“Like this.” Hanbin stepped forward and repeated the movement more slowly as his one person audience watched on intently.
“What, like this?” Jiwon tried again but did it wrong, really wrong.
“No, no, not like that, like this. Come here,” Hanbin took Jiwon’s arms and arranged them at the correct angles, carefully positioning him like a store-front mannequin.
“There,” he said with satisfaction but then he noticed Jiwon was giving him a strange, perplexed look, like he was trying to hold back laughter with a fond smile pulling at his mouth.
“What?” Hanbin demanded, what did he do wrong? Then he realised Jiwon had been trying to flirt with him. Jiwon knew the move just fine, of course he did, he just wanted Hanbin to touch him.
Hanbin blushed and dropped Jiwon’s arms.
“I don’t get you sometimes,” Jiwon admitted smiling, “Your performance persona is so solid it’s basically acting. That’s why you kill every monthly evaluation. You can do sexy, angry, happy, sad, vengeful…But the moment you’re in the real world you can’t fake that same confidence for shit, can you?” Hanbin laughed bashfully. It was true he could act flirty but for some reason he couldn’t actually “be” flirty.
“I know, you’re right. It’s weird.”
“Really weird…,” Bobby agreed pulling Hanbin to his chest, “…but I like weird,” Bobby affirmed with a tender smile, his gaze lowering to Hanbin’s lips.
“I don’t know why I’m so awkward in real life…” Hanbin’s voice had become breathy and thin, the way it always did when Jiwon held him. “…I guess I am still working out how to be me in real life. Too much performing, that’s my problem. I learned how to be everyone else, every character imaginable, before I learned how to be me.” Bobby’s smile widened. Hanbin adored his crooked front teeth so much he thought his heart was going to burst.
“Still working out how to be you…well if that’s it, then cool. I like what I see now but I also look forward to seeing the final product.”
Then Jiwon had kissed him, there in that practice room against the mirrors. It had been a bold, unapologetic kiss that sent Hanbin’s whole body spinning into joyful overdrive.
But that was years ago, and as Hanbin could bitterly see now, it had been rather naïve of him to believe Bobby so earnestly. It had turned out that Bobby hadn’t wanted to stick around to see the final product. He’d opted out of that a year and nine months ago.
***
When their car finally arrived outside the club it is just as crazy as Hanbin had hoped it wouldn’t be. Outside was a swam of paparazzi, flashing lights, microphones waving like batons, cameras swinging wildly enough to knock someone out. They had breached the security barriers and were spilling around the car like ants crawling over a dead insect. Thankfully the security team of the club regained control, barging through and clearing away the cameras so Hanbin and his manager could leave the car unscathed. As they walked quickly to the club, the paparazzi didn't hold back form blasting Hanbin with questions.
“KIM HANBIN HAVE YOU HEARD BOBBY HAS RETURNED FROM THE STATES?”
“HAS BOBBY MADE CONTACT WITH YOU SINCE HE RETURNED?”
‘HAVE EITHER OF YOU MADE A MOVE TO RECONCILE?”
“WHY DO YOU HATE KIM JIWON??”
“WHY DOES KIM JIWON HATE YOU?”
Once they made it up the stairs to the club they stopped to catch their breath. His manager turned to Hanbin to check he hadn’t been hurt in the scramble.
“Don’t listen to that shit, Hanbin, don’t let it get to you.”
“No, they asked some good questions,” Hanbin laughed, trying to hide how flustered he was and how sharply that last question had stung.
“Here, let’s just pull this down here a little bit more…” his manager tugged down his shirt which was already open a button more than Hanbin liked. Nihilism was more than on show. Hanbin grumbled and pushed the fiddling hands away. He wasn't feeling particularly comfortable in his outfit tonight...it was very…awards show. Black shirt, ripped black jeans, bomber jacket, his black and blonde hair swept down over his brow to hide his tired eyes, plenty of bling in his ears, glossy eyelids and lips...it didn't match his desire to blend in and go unnoticed.
“You look good, really sexy. You ready?”
“…Can we go now?” His manager just smiled, grabbed his hand and pulled him through the club doors.
The club was all darkness and purple flashing lights. It was thumping with music like a large angry heart, the pulse of which hanbin can feel reverberating throughout his entire body, so powerfully it almost sets his heart palpitating. He noticed heads turning to look at him and a few points, whispers behind hands as he shuffled through the people. He tried to keep his eyes on the back of his manager’s head, happy to be led so he didn't have to look like he knew what he was doing.
They had an area reserved off to the side but Namkyu refused to let Hanin hide out in the sidelines of the action. He pulled him to the bar.
“Bourbon on the rocks, thanks,” Namkyu asks then add nodding to Hanbin, “he’s good, he doesn’t drink.” Hanbin cringed.
“So when are the boys getting here?” Hanbin asked tensely. He’d hoped they would have been here already.
“Hanbin you’re here to get some action. You don’t need any of the boys stealing your thunder.”
“You didn’t invite the boys?!”
“Start looking happy because we’ve got some company.” Hanbin felt his stomach drop. He looked over his shoulder and sure enough there were three women walking over. They were tall and very beautiful, most likely models. This club only let in the famous and beautiful. He took a deep breath, fixed on his best polite yet mysterious smile, and turned to meet them.
***
Time passed slowly for Hanbin as his manager proved to be right. The people came to him. Upcoming models, actors, producers, celebrity lawyers, famous instagrammers and youtubers. They all began by telling Hanbin how much they loved his music and finished by asking him and his manager to join them for drinks or on the dancefloor. Each and every time Hanbin would thank them and tell them he’d come and find them a bit later. Each and every time they would walk away his manager would grab him by the arm and hiss in his ear.
“STOP DOING THAT. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET LAID IF YOU KEEP THAT UP? Just accept an invitation already!”
Hanbin had once again just been grabbed by an irritated Namkyu, but something had caught his eye. A large group had just arrived and they didn’t seem like typical clubbers. They looked like they had just come from an important function and they were all wearing black tie outfits. The men were in crisp suits and the women were in black dresses. But what was interesting was the contrast between their elegant clothing and their personal appearances. They all seemed rather street cool as opposed to gangster cool or glamorous cool. There was something unpolished about them, a nonchalance that made Hanbin curious to know who they were. It was like they happened to be in this extremely exclusive club not because they desperately wanted to be, more because why not? They would hang around for a while and move on when things got boring.
“Huh, interesting,” His manager said slowly. “They were right, this club does attract the big names.” His manager was also looking over at the new arrivals.
“Who are they?”
“Hanbin, you really have been living under a rock haven’t you?” Hanbin smiled, he wasn’t good at keeping up with celebrity news…not since he’d started featuring in it. “See the guy with the neck tattoos? That’s our Nation’s greatest gift to the international street skating scene so far. Jang Yeongjin. Recently scored himself quite a few impressive sponsorships. He’s doing really well right now, he’s at the peak of his career.” Now that Namkyu had pointed him out Hanbin was wondering why he hadn’t noticed the skater before. That said his companions seemed quite protective of him, standing close to him and mostly blocking him from view.
The skater was by far the most striking person in the club. In some ways he seemed suave yet conventional in his black suit and tie, parted and slicked-back hair, half-rim glasses, bow tie and expensive looking sneakers. But it was the dangerous and bold contrast between this refined elegance and the wild pattern and fury of his densely tattooed skin that made him stand out from the crowd. His neck was entirely tattooed and the images that dotted his knuckles and his ankles on show beneath his cropped trousers suggested there were far more tattoos still hidden. He wasn’t conventionally attractive in the sense that his face was a bit too long and thin, his cheekbones too high and pronounced, his mouth too wide and teeth too big so that his smile had a strangely delinquent, sinister look about it. However, if he knew this about himself he didn’t let on. Now he knew he was a skater it made sense to Hanbin. He had that cool, no-fucks-to-give, slightly eccentric air most skaters seemed to have that Hanbin couldn't relate to at all.
“The Reaper!” His manager announced happily, interrupting Hanbin’s staring.
“What?”
“I couldn’t remember it for a second. You know how they give all these elite sportspeople corny nicknames that somehow catch on and become cool? Yeah well in the skating scene he’s called The Reaper because apparently he never fails to “kill” his competition.” Namkyu chortled dismissively, badly hiding the fact he was actually a little impressed.
Jang Yeongjin’s presence in the large club was magnetic. His facial expressions flashed between an ironic blank stare and sexy, lopsided, grin with sultry eyes. Hanbin couldn’t stop staring, he just seemed like a very rich character in a sea of bland sheep. He was so distracted that for several long seconds he failed to register their eye contact. Realising that he was in fact staring hard into the eyes of a famous skateboarder he’d never met he quickly looked away blushing hard.
Hanbin often wondered how different his love life would have been if he hadn’t taken the YG route. What if he’d dated during high school? Would that mean he’d be able to walk up to that guy right now and handle it? He didn’t know…but he didn’t even know for sure that was what he wanted. His manager moved in closely and whispered excitedly into his ear.
“So uh, the reaper just checked you out,” Hanbin scoffed derisively. Namkyu could be such a tease. “What’s your best pick up line?”
“No need for one. I’m staying right here,” Hanbin quipped stubbornly, swirling melting ice in the bottom of his glass.
“Ahhh yes you do, he’s heading over right now.”
Hanbin spun around as if electrocuted. His heart thumped manically as he saw that, yes indeed, the skateboarder was prowling his way through the packs of people in his direction, his eyes focused on Hanbin, glinting behind his half-rimmed glasses.
“Fuck, what do I do??” Hanbin asked his agent wildly.
“Have fun you idiot! I’ll come get you later, ok?” To Hanbin’s horror his agent pushed off from the bar and was quickly absorbed by the crowds. Hanbin almost went to follow but something told him that wouldn’t do wonders for his pride.
Anyway it was too late, Jang Yeongjin was right there in front of him. He was standing so close Hanbin could smell his cologne and it was incredible. He smelt like heady pine forest swept by crisp, sea breeze. Hanbin knew he should say something so he didn’t look like a deer caught in headlights but he just couldn’t think of anything compelling enough. Why did he feel he was performing for his life again?
He was vaguely aware of the clubbers around them moving away, giving the two celebrities some space. Or maybe they just wanted a better view to watch what happened next. Hanbin had a much better view of the skater's tattoos now he was so close. Most strikingly was the skull sitting right on his adam's apple. It was surrounded by flowers and other strange symbols that were new to Hanbin.
There was a strange electric presence between them, as if their unique, personal energies were meeting halfway, resulting in an unexpected chemical reaction. It was both uncomfortable and exhililarating.
“Jang Yeongjin,” the skater bowed and held out his hand with no further explanation.
“Kim Hanbin, please meet you – uh- nice pleasure – uh,” Hanbin bowed too, stuttering over his words and wondering furiously when and why his tongue had suddenly become too big for his mouth. He took Yeongjin’s hand in his and shook it, hoping he didn’t notice how clammy his palm was. He went to release Yeongjin’s hand but the skater held on, pulling Hanbin forward slightly as he leaned in to speak in his ear.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Later Hanbin would wonder repeatedly and still not be able to explain exactly why he said had said “sure,” completely forgotten his manager and followed Yeongjin through the club, down the fire exit stairs, into the deserted alley way behind the club, around the corner onto the main street, and into a cab.
Maybe it was the fact that in that moment Yeongjin had been so confident and intriguing that he’d felt that declining was simply not an option available to him in that current dimension and universe. Maybe it was because he was actually flattered, that the hottest guy in the bar had made a move on him, Mr. Awkward. Or maybe it was because in that moment Hanbin felt desire pulse in his stomach for the very first time since he and Bobby had broken up and he was too stunned to do anything but go along for the ride.
He dropped into the cab feeling totally surreal. It’s happening. You’re going back to someone’s house. You’re going to have a one night stand. But when the driver asked where they were headed Yeongjin looked at him with brows raised questioningly.
“Do you have a preference?” Yeongjin asked him as if it was no big deal that they were two strangers jumping into a cab to head home together after exchanging virtually a handful of words in a club. Hanbin’s stomach dropped. He didn’t know how to answer. Was there a protocol? Did the “picker-upper” offer their place or was it the duty of the “picked-up” to offer their place?? Why hadn't he asked Namkyu??
“I don’t mind” Hanbin replied, immediately regretting such a tame answer. But Yeongjin just nodded.
“Cool…It’s a little way away, but you can just sit back and relax. You look like you could do with that.” He gave Hanbin a lopsided, toothy smile that sent his heart fluttering self-consciously. Was it that obvious he was almost shitting himself right now?
They were in the cab for a while, mainly in silence. Yeongjin broke the silence at one point to ask the driver if he could smoke, and when he received permission, he offered Hanbin a cigarette. Hanbin declined feeling very puritan. They resumed the strange silence. They finally drove into an area of Seoul Hanbin had never been. It was an industrial district, all factories, vacant lots awaiting development, storage facilities, and warehouses. Hanbin looked out the window slightly confused. This didn’t seem like a residential area at all. There wasn’t a house or block of apartments in sight. Hanbin realised Yeongjin was looking at him. He gave Hanbin another lazy smile.
“Almost there.” He said in a singsong voice.
“Cool.” Hanbin had to keep his sentences short because his voice was quivering so bad.
“Yep, just here, Thank you.” Yeongjin tossed the driver the fare and hopped out of the cab, walking around to the other side to open the door for Hanbin who accepted the gesture feeling rather flattered and bashful. The cab drove off and Yeongjin took one last drag from his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and crushing it under one of his sneakers.
“Right, shall we move on?” Yeongjin smiled at him ironically . Hanbin managed a small smile in return. He was very busy mentally preparing himself for what was about to come. He hadn't slept with anyone since…well if he got technical…not since the last time he’d been with Jiwon and that was just before their breakup...so that what...one year, nine months and 5 days??
He was beyond surprised when Yeongjin didn't lead him towards the only apartment block on the street, but to a nearby wire fence and locked gate. Hanbin looked beyond the gate and saw a sign. Suddenly, he felt incredibly stupid. They were at a skatepark, Jang Yeongjin wasn’t taking him back to his place at all.
But this didn't ease his anxiety at all, it just introduced a whole new set of riddles to puzzle over. What did this mean? Did he just want to be friends? Should he flirt? Had he misunderstood this whole thing? Had he made a fool of himself?
He managed to hide his confusion and cringe attack before Yegonjin pulled up a loose piece of fence near the ground and turned to him.
“We go under here.” Once again Hanbin went into robot mode and followed orders without hesitation, climbing under as elegantly as he could manage. Yeongjin followed quickly, managing to make even something as clumsy as scrambling under a gate look easy and sophisticated in his suit. They walk towards a large warehouse building and then Yeongjin told Hanbin to wait. He disappeared into the darkness leaving Hanbin with his darting thoughts.
Hanbin heard a few rusty doors opening and closing, and then lights flooded around him. Yeongjin was there up ahead with a skateboard underfoot, cruising lackadaisacally. Hanbin could now see how huge the outdoor skating park really was. There were ramps, stairs, half-pipes, ledges, concrete shapes, all merged into what look like a town planner’s zany acid trip. Yeongjin who had been gazing out over the park as well drew closer to Hanbin with an unexpectedly shy smile. He stopped just before him and stepped off his skateboard.
“I have to confess something to you. I’m a fan and not just any fan, a serious one. I listened to your album last year for the first time when I was preparing for the Street League Skateboarding comp. I listened to it all the way through probably about…fifty times? It blew my mind and I went on to win the comp. So, when I saw you at the club tonight I knew had to talk to you or else I would never forgive myself.”
Hanbin didn't know what to say. He was used to hysterical, loving, screaming, crying, stalking, gift-giving, swarming, devoted fans. Jang Yeongjin, an effortlessly cool professional skateboarder had been fanboying over him? It was even more surreal considering that he didn't even know Jan Yeongjin existed before tonight. To his embarassment he felt trembles cascade throughout his body. He wanted to think he was just starting to feel the cold but a tight swell in his stomach told him it was something much more concerning.
Without another word Yeongjin slipped the skateboard back down under his feet and began gliding around the park with an absorption that was electrifying to watch. It was like Hanbin wasn’t there anymore. He very much was so, however, watching transfixed by how effortless yet unpredictable Yeongjin made skateboarding look- throwing himself down railings, sweeping up on half pipes before riding the edge and flying down again, jumping up on kerbs complete with ollies and kick flips.
“You like it?” Yeongjin asked flying past him before pulling up to a smooth stop some metres away.
“Yeah, I do...you make it look so easy.”
“I knew you’d like it…” Yeongjin smiled flashing his teeth, ignoring the compliment and continuing as if Hanbin hadn’t spoken. “I knew from your music and lyrics you’d be the kind of person who’d appreciate the aesthetic of an empty skatepark at night. Not a soul in the world, just empty bowls and ramps, all crumbling from neglect, graffiti everywhere, broken boards laying around...but this place is where I learned to skate. This place represents big dreams.” Hanbin tried to hide his shock that this almost-stranger claimed to have spent time listening to his music and imaging what aesthetic he, B.I., would or wouldn’t like. Yeongjin strolled over to him.
“Can I ask you something?” He asked, softly with his eyes looking at his with an intense curiosity. Hanbin nodded. “How much of your music is you? As in your stories, your life, your feelings, your memories?” Hanbin was surprised by the serious nature of the question but happy to discover this was a kind of conversation Yeongjin wanted to have. After all there was nothing he enjoyed more than talking about music and what it achieved.
“It’s all me. Well, at least with my album it was. Those songs were me through and through. That’s what made it such a scary and amazing process, I guess. At the same time though I think it’s important to be able to create and perform music that isn’t always totally you. Like earlier music I wrote and performed wasn’t always me exactly. I’m sure no doubt that you’ve heard people say after seeing a show something along the lines of “wow, that was such a powerful performance, you could really feel the heartbreak! That song must be such a meaningful song for them!” And that’s true, when you perform something that is personal it is an amazing feeling. There’s nothing like it, for me that is a special kind of heaven…
“…At the same time though, if you can only sing or rap or dance powerfully and emotionally to music you can relate to…then you’re probably lacking imagination and going to limit yourself a lot. Also does that mean that you need to constantly put yourself through drama, pain, and heartbreak to be able to keep creating and performing? If so that’s not very sustainable…you need to have more creative resources to draw upon, to be able to deliver consistently.
“So, you have to work hard, look at the song you’re struggling to relate to and break it down into emotions. For example, the song might be about being cheated on but if you’ve never been cheated on then you focus on the anger…the humiliation… the need for pain…well, that’s what I do anyway…” Hanbin broke off feeling sheepish. He’d always found it hard to shut up when he got onto these kinds of topics. Yeongjin stared at him blankly, his head cocked to the side, glasses picking up a reflection from the overhead lamppost. Hanbin couldn't tell if he'd interested him or bored him. Yeongjin jerked his head in another direction.
“Come,” Hanbin followed as Yeongjin headed over to what looked like a huge, deep, empty swimming pool. However the bottom wasn't flat like a swimming pool, it was bumpy, full of strange mounds. As if reading his mind Yeongjin threw him a cheeky smile
“Hop in! Let’s go for a swim.”
“What? Get in there? How?
“Just sit on the edge and slide in. Unless you’re precious about your clothes. If that’s the case you can walk around to there” Yeongjin pointed to the furthest end of the bowl where there is a small set of inbuilt mounds doubling as stairs. Suddenly Hanbin was absolutely determined not to give Yeongjin the impression he was “precious” about his clothes. He sat down on the edge of the bowl tentatively, getting ready to slide down. He looked around at the skater who was watching him carefully with an amused expression on his face.
“Are you coming in too?” Hanbin asked shyly. Yeongjin laughed at that.
“You bet. Get in there already and I’ll join you.” Hanbin slid down into the bowl, using his feet to slow his way down. He made it without too much humiliation, stood up and dusted himself off. Then there was the clacking sound of wheels and a whoosh. Yeongjin had plunged off the edge and was now skating up and down the bowl, racing past Hanbin and riding up on the edges, flipping and flying back down past him again, so close every time he came near Hanbin could smell his cologne. Hanbin watched in awe, adrenalin racing as barely hid his concern Yeongjin might hit him on his way back down. The bowl suddenly felt very small with Yeongjin skating in it while he stood there, vulnerable and exposed right in the middle.
Yeongjin flew up the side of the bowl and this time came to a halt on the edge, catching his board from underneath with one foot and a hand. He smiled down at Hanbin who looked up at him dazed and impressed.
“Take a walk around, I won’t hit you, I promise.” Nervously he started slowly wandering around. Once again Yeongjin was flying past him effortlessly and elegantly, cackling wildly as he went. All his moves are incredibly fast yet leisurely at the same time, as if being in the air unsupported for dangerously long periods of time was more natural for him than staying earthbound. It was a bizarre but beautiful sight, seeing this heavily tattooed man skate in a deserted skatepark dressed to the nines in suit and tie. Hanbin felt as if he were in a dream, a photoshoot, or even a music video.
Eventually Yeongjin came to another stop at a different point on the edge and sat down contentedly. Hanbin wanted him to keep skating. He felt something seeing Yeongjin skate…like it was a metaphor for something inspiring he can’t put his finger on but was very close to identifying.
“I showed you my tricks, now you can show me yours," Yeongjin smirked.
Hanbin chuckled awkwardly. He was put on the spot now, it was like being caught off guard without a secret talent on a variety show. He looked up hoping Yeongjin was joking but he was deadly serious.
“Like, what…? I don’t really have tricks…”
“Dance. I’ve seen you dance loads of times before. Dance for me.”
Hanbin bit his lip nervously and shook his head. Dance here, in this bowl? For this hot guy he’d just met two hours ago? He decided to laugh it off.
“Well, then you’ve seen it all before, I’ve got nothing new to show you.” Yeongjin raised an eyebrow in amusement.
“You’re pretty shy for a rapper, aren’t you? Aren’t you guys supposed to have huge egos?” Yeongjin toppled over the edge again and skimmed gracefully down the side of the bowl pulling up right in front of Hanbin. His stomach jolted wildly as yeongjin bent down to collect his skateboard. “Good thing you’re so attractive, that makes up for the lack of ego.” Then suddenly Yeongjin’s hand moved to Hanbin’s face, and with long, calloused fingers he flicked some of the bangs away from his eyes.
Hanbin’s brain exploded with a hundred racing thoughts. Is this flirting? Does this count as a confession? Is he asking me to go home with him? Is he asking me to ask him to go home with me? What do I do now??
“No but really, if I can ride a plank of wood around a man-made pool, you can show off a few of your sickest dance moves. What’s stopping you?”
Once again, later when he reflected upon this whole night Hanbin also wouldn’t be able to explain what happened next. The whole night was one unknown, random, strange event after the other. Maybe he was overwhelmed, maybe he didn’t want Yeongjin to be offended, maybe in that moment he just really wanted to be honest and didn’t have the strength to hide that. But regardless of the reason it all came out in a strangely emotional rush.
“I’ve never been good at improvising, just making stuff up on the spot…that goes for dancing and rapping. I’m the kind of person who needs to practice, to prepare. I’m afraid of getting things wrong. I don’t want to fuck up, look stupid in front of you. I hate making mistakes. I’ve only got one life and I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t want regrets…I can’t just do things. I-I-need time to prepare. Sorry.” He realised he was shaking again. He hoped his lips weren’t trembling the way they always did when he was nervous. To his relief though Yeongjin didn't laugh. He met Hanbin’s eyes with unflinching candour.
“That’s a lot to be afraid of.”
Hanbin laughed. Too hard. He stopped abruptly and looked down at this feet. Yeongjin’s sneakers were almost touching his they were so close. “Thank God I don’t get scared anymore. I gave it up years ago when I started skating. You can do it too, I can teach you.”
“T-teach me how to skate?” Hanbin stammered.
“No, how to give up fear!” Yeongjin laughed throwing his head back.
“Can people do that? Just give up fear?”
“Sure, if they try hard enough. That’s what I did.”
Hanbin laughed thinking Yeongjin was being facetious but he didn't smile. Hanbin felt rude and tried to backtrack.
“Well…if you think you can do it?”
“Think? I know I can. You just have to want to. That’s all.” Then without breaking eye contact Yeongjin began reciting something that sounded like a poem. It took a few lines before Hanbin realised Yeongjin was quoting the second verse from the fourth track on his album. It was called Track Number 4. At the time he wrote it he had felt any title would have undermined it somehow, the feelings it expressed were too big for labels. Yeongjin smiled with his wide mouth as he spokr, enjoying the surprise that passed over Hanbin’s face.
Yeongjin recited the verse clearly and with a passion that gave Hanbin goosebumps. It was amazing to have someone speak his own words back to him with the conviction they had somehow touched them deeply, irrevocably. Those were his lyrics and they had come from the rawest, most honest part of himself. He was awestruck. As Yegonjin came up to the last line he paused mid-rhyme for dramatic effect before continuing:
“fuck these inhibitions, I want to be fearless.”
***
“SHIT” Hanbin’s manager yelped in surprise, nearly spilling the coffee he’d just bought from the little hipster café downstairs. Namkyu had rocked up at the studio to get started on some work assuming Hanbin had gone home with Jang Yeongjin the night before and wouldn’t be back till midday at least. He had walked into Hanbin’s studio, where he had long ago poached a desk and claimed it as his “office,” expecting to find it empty. He had a thumping hangover headache and was just pulling up a set of blinds when suddenly Hanbin had wished him a soft good morning, appearing like a ghost in the gloom.
Hanbin laughed and stood up to help his manager with the blinds, giving his arm an apologetic pat as he did so.
“Hanbin!! What are you doing here?? It’s 10am??”
“I know.”
“Didn’t you go home with Jang Yeongjin last night??”
“Well…I went to one of his homes….”
Namkyu gave him a strange look and Hanbin grinned mysteriously.
“He took me to a skatepark and showed off for about an hour or so. It was actually really cool. Skate parks are really cool at night…all empty, lonely, weird-looking…he was a fucking unreal skater too, he made it look so easy! ”
“Ok so you went to the skatepark, then what??”
“No, just the skatepark. I was back home by three...or half past, something like that.”
“And let me guess, you didn’t even sleep. You just came here and started working.” Hanbin paused, gave his manager a hesitant look, then finally nodded meekly. “Kim Hanbin, you are the most stubborn, independent, strong-willed, mal-adaptive person I have ever met.” Hanbin gave a deep belly laugh. Nothing could get him down, he was still on a high and everything felt like a wonderful joke.
“You forgot perfect in every way shape and form.”
“So did anything happen??” Namkyu demanded, ignoring his silliness.
Hanbin squirmed uncomfortably at his desk which he’d just returned to.
“Do you mean…did we flirt?” It was Namkyu’s chance to laugh now. Hanbin was adorably naïve for someone who’d been in a relationship for five years. He had a bizarre way of acting as though he didn't realise people did anything with each other besides hold hands.
“Yeah flirting or anything more…substantial??”
“Ohhh...nope. Thank god.” Hanbin muttered with relief looking flustered. Namkyu sank his face into his hands in despair.
“Did you at least set up another date??”
“No. But he gave me his business card and told me to call him.” Hanbin triumphantly held up a black card with white text and skull on it looking pleased with himself.
“And?? Have you texted him yet?? Asked him out??” Hanbin froze.
“…do I have to?” Namkyu groaned. Hanbin continued anxiously, “Say I did hypothetically want to see him again, don’t I have to wait a day before texting? Or no, was it two days…or four, I’m sure someone told me four days is best.”
“What am I going to do with you Hanbin?”
“You could get me a coffee??” Hanbin shot him a cheeky, imploring smile complete with hopeful puppy dog eyes glancing between his face and the coffee in his hand.
“Actually, you know what, let’s go downstairs and I will get you one. I have to talk to you about something. I got a call early this morning - too fucking early by the way - from YG about a new opportunity that you are going to find hard to turn down…but there is one catch you may not like at all...”
“What?”
“Let’s just go get some caffeine into you. I mean me.”
***
Hanbin stared hard at his manager sitting across from him, his hands clutched around his steaming cup of coffee.
“Let me get this straight. YG is having another survival program. He wants me to take part as a judge and mentor for three episodes. But the catch is Jiwon will be featuring on the exact same episodes as a mentor and judge too?”
“Yep.” His manager gave him a tight-lipped smile. He had one hundred arguments why Hanbin should take the opportunity and was ready to bust them out at the slightest sign of resistance. However, he had underestimated Hanbin's unpredictability.
“I'll do it.”
“Really?” Namkyu's eyes widened.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Is it because you feel obliged because it’s YG asking you?”
“No, I want to. I owe YG everything I have but also I would love a chance to be a judge and mentor for these upcoming kids…I don’t really think I am the best to give them advice yet, like I’m still working stuff out myself, but I really want to…I want to be part of that process for them.”
"What about working with Jiwon? Do you realise you are going to end up having to spend a fair bit of time with him?"
"Yes...but we're both adults. We can handle this maturely."
“Well, great. I didn’t even have to break your arm! I guess I'll forgive you then for not banging Yeongjin. Let’s get back to work, I'll let YG know.”
They left the café and walked around the corner to where Hanbin’s townhouse was located just one building away. While his manager’s back was turned unlocking the door Hanbin slipped out Yeongjin’s business card out of his pocket, folded it, and dropped it in a nearby bin sitting on the kerb. He wouldn't be needing that anymore.
“After you,” Namkyu held open the door for him and he gave him an apologetic yet thankful smile, for everything, and went in.