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Jim groaned as wakefulness returned to him. He didn’t want to wake up. He was comfortable, curled up in the dual warmth of a soft duvet and a firm body wrapped around him. Jim blinked his eyes open. A body wrapped around him? Jim wasn’t a stranger to bodies in his bed, but he never woke to them around him, and said bodies were never so broad and toned, and were almost exclusively female. The stubble brushing against the back of his neck was certainly not female.
Fragments of the night before came filtering back into Jim’s mind. His surprise party. Lots of alcohol. Jim hauling a very drunk Leonard back to their hotel. Leonard confessing he loved Jim. Jim confessing he loved Leonard too. The two of them falling to sleep in Jim’s bed, mercifully still clothed.
Jim groaned again.
Why did he have to go and make a fool of himself? Jim had meant it. Hell, chances were that Leonard had meant it too.
But it couldn’t be.
Leonard couldn’t love Jim, and Jim couldn’t let himself Leonard.
He couldn’t do it to his heart.
Not again.
Slowly, carefully, not daring to even breathe, Jim removed himself from Leonard’s arms and slipped out of bed. At least Leonard had been too drunk to do any more than almost immediately pass out in bed. If he hadn’t, this whole thing could have been even more awkward. At least this way there was still a hope Leonard wouldn’t remember anything he’d said, and the two of them could just return to how things had usually been.
Jim padded his way into the bathroom, splashing cold water onto his face in an attempt to clear his head. Not that it worked very well. All he could think about was how happy he’d been falling to sleep the night before. He couldn’t remember ever being so content.
It made his heart do a funny little flip.
He hated how much he loved it.
Leonard was still sleeping when Jim emerged again, now clinging to a pillow in the absence of Jim, or whoever Leonard was dreaming he was holding. Jim swallowed thickly, quietly and quickly changing into fresh clothes before making himself a cup of coffee. Any thought of breakfast made his stomach churn. With lack of anything else to do, and not wanting it to seem like he was running away by leaving the room, Jim sat at the table in the kitchen, staring mindlessly at his PADD.
It was another hour before Leonard stirred, emitting a groan of his own as his hangover no doubt caught up with him. Leonard rolled over, groaning again at the movement, and stared blearily at Jim. “Wha’ time is it?” He asked, voice hoarse. Jim cringed inwardly that Leonard seemed to already know he was in Jim’s room. He must have remembered.
“A little after ten.” Jim answered, attempting to keep his voice steady as he rose to prepare some coffee for Leonard. “There’s aspirin in the bathroom.” He said over his shoulder, hearing Leonard force himself up from the bed, muttering and cursing over leaving his medkit in his own room, and make his way into the bathroom.
Jim had dealt with a hungover Leonard plenty of times in the past, so at least he was able to ignore the sound of the shower, and he definitely didn’t picture Leonard in said shower. Instead he focused on fixing up Leonard’s go-to hangover breakfast, something he’d learned way back during their time at the Academy. Not that he dared actually try to cook the food. He stopped trying to do that after the bacon incident where the whole block had had to be evacuated. It was all replicated, but Leonard had never complained when he was hungover.
By the time the other emerged from the bathroom, he’d shaven and looked surprisingly better than he had when he’d entered. Jim smiled at him, setting the plate of food down onto the table next to the coffee. “There you are.”
“Thanks, kid.” Leonard sat down, grimacing at the first mouthful of greasy food, but muddling through until he got over the worst of it. It was only when he’d finished, did Leonard sit back and sip his coffee. “Everything okay?”
“Fine, Bones.” Jim murmured, resisting the urge to squirm under Leonard’s scrutiny. Even hungover, the Doctor was able to read Jim. “I have a couple meetings to head to soon, but hang around here for as long as you like.” Jim set his mug down, and turned to turned to grab his PADD, hoping to make a quick exit.
“Bullshit.”
Leonard’s voice stopped him in his tracks. “Sorry?”
“That’s bullshit. You don’t have any meetings today. I know because I checked when organising your party.” Leonard stood, walking over to Jim, and stopping just on the edge of comfortable personal space. “This is about last night.”
Jim swallowed thickly, pausing for a heartbeat too long before answering. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bones, but I do have to go. I’ll comm you later.” Jim turned again, but Leonard’s hand snatched out to grasp his wrist, halting him again.
“Jim…” Leonard spoke quietly, stepping across the invisible barrier and well and truly into Jim’s space. “I meant it. What I said. Or is the problem that you didn’t?”
“I meant it.” Jim whispered, looking down to where Leonard’s large hand still held his wrist. “It’s just…I…”
“You don’t believe that I meant it.” Leonard finished for him. Jim hung his head even more. “I do, Jim. I love you. How can I prove that?” Leonard didn’t sound upset, or angry, or even disappointed. He just sounded sincere.
Jim shook his head. “It’s nothing to do with you, Bones. It’s me. My head. It won’t let me believe you.”
“Why? Talk to me, Jim.”
“I can’t.” Jim yanked his arm away, turning his back on Leonard. “We should just forget last night happened. It would be better. No one will get hurt that way.”
“Are you talking about the both of us, or you?” Damn. Why did he have to be best friends with someone so perceptive? His silence must have been answer enough. “I won’t hurt you, kid. I promise.” Jim still didn’t answer, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. Behind him, Leonard sighed. “What happened? What’s gone on that’s made you this wary of love. Let me into that head of yours.”
“It’s complicated.” Jim muttered, wishing his comm would go off, or someone would knock the door, anything to give him a reason to leave, to get away from this conversation.
“When has anything with you not been complicated? And since when have I ever backed down from said complicated shit?” Leonard asked softly, reaching out to place a gentle hand on Jim’s shoulder. He must have felt the way Jim tensed up underneath him, but he persisted anyway, refusing to back away again.
Jim closed his eyes, trying not to think about how right it felt to have Leonard so close to him. He was silent for a long time, but as always, Leonard waited. “The last man who told me he loved me, ended up breaking my heart.” He finally admitted.
Leonard’s hand squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jim. When…?”
“I was nineteen when we met. He was…older, but I didn’t care. My mom and Frank still treated me like a kid, but he didn’t, and it sounds so stupid and cliched, but he…he…”
“He made you feel special.” Leonard finished for him once again.
Jim flinched but nodded. “Yeah. I’d dated a little before then, but it had never been anything serious. With him it was. We did all the dumb couple stuff. He even took me on a fucking romantic weekend getaway for Valentine’s Day.” Jim finally let his arms drop back to his side, his shoulders sagging under Leonard’s hand. “I loved him, Bones. I fucking loved him. He said he loved me too.
Leonard closed the last of the distance between them, and though he wasn’t touching Jim, Jim could feel the heat of Leonard’s chest radiating against his back. It was strangely comforting. “What happened?”
“It was his birthday. We went to this fancy hotel for dinner, and during it he told me that he’d booked us a room there. Penthouse. So of course once we’d finished, we went up there, had some pretty good sex, then afterwards, we were cuddling, and I said the stupidest words I’ve ever said in my life. And you know as well as I do, I’ve said some pretty stupid things. I said I wanted to get married. I was twenty-two, I loved him, and even though I was far from tamed, I wanted it.” Jim sighed, falling quiet for a few moments. Leonard waited, his grip on Jim’s shoulder still tight, reassuring. “That’s when I found out he was married. The days he spent with me, were off-world business trips to his wife.”
“Son of a bitch.” Leonard growled behind him, turning Jim around quickly and pulling him into a hug. “I’m sorry.”
Jim found himself leaning into Leonard, closing his eyes again. “It worked out for the best in the end. He tried to convince me to stay, to carry on, but I couldn’t. I was a lot of things back then, but I was never a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone I was seeing, even if it was only semi-serious, and I’ll never be the person someone cheats with. So I left. I drove the rest of the night, and most of the next day, and ended up back in Iowa. By then I just wanted to get a drunk, and either fuck or fight. The cadet I had my eye on had no interest, so I went for the fight instead.”
Leonard huffed a quiet laughed. “That was the night Pike found you.”
“Yeah. Like I said, worked out for the best.”
“Except that you’re now terrified of love.” Leonard murmured, still holding onto Jim.
“Yeah, except that.”
Leonard hugged Jim for a few minutes longer, staying silent while they both processed their thoughts. Then slowly, he moved them both so they were sat on the edge of the bed. “Jim…” Leonard started, and Jim looked up at his friend, even if he couldn’t quite meet his eye. “Do you trust me?”
“Course I do, Bones. More than anyone.”
“Okay, good, so trust me now. I understand, why you’re so scared, and I’m scared too. I’ve not loved anyone since Joce. Hell, I’ve only been on a handful of dates since Joce. When I first admitted to myself that I’d once again fallen in love with my best friend, I damned well nearly had a panic attack, because I was a mess after Joce, and I didn’t know if I could survive that heartbreak again. I still don’t know if I could.” Leonard threaded their fingers together, drawing Jim’s attention down to their hands. They looked good joined together. As if it was how they were meant to be.
He knew how much of a mess Leonard was after his divorce. Jim had been the one to scrape him off the floor of the nearest bar on the first anniversary of it being finalised. A part of him felt guilty for not considering that Leonard must be feeling scared too, but he pushed the thought away. Thoughts like that wouldn’t help matters now.
“Look into my eyes and tell me you want this.” Jim whispered, forcing his eyes back up so they could meet Leonard’s. He wasn’t even surprised to see the fear, vulnerability, and just a little of the hope he felt, reflected back at him in Leonard’s hazel eyes.
“I want this, Jim. More than I’ve wanted anything in a real long time.” Leonard answered, squeezing Jim’s hand.
“Why?”
“Because despite the fear, I think what we could have together is worth the risk. We already have something special, if we take it to that next step, it could be spectacular.” Leonard whispered. “But the question is, do you want this?”
Jim licked his lips, fighting to pick the right words from the hundreds currently whirling around in his head. Realizing that Leonard felt just as scared as him, helped. He already knew he’d never intentionally hurt Leonard, and seeing the look in Leonard’s eyes, he knew that the other would never intentionally hurt him either.
Jim nodded, shifting so their knees brushed together. “I want this, Bones.”
“Why?”
“Because when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home, and that’s something I’ve never felt before.”
Leonard smiled, reaching up with his free hand to brush some hair off Jim’s forehead. Jim smiled back, suddenly feeling giddy with relief, like a weight had been lifted off his chest. “I love you, Bones.”
“Love you too, Jim.” Leonard held Jim’s gaze a few moments longer, before his eyes flicked down to Jim’s lips, then back up.
Jim leaned in.
Leonard smiled again, closing the space and pressing his lips against Jim’s. It was soft, tender, and filled with more love than Jim thought possible. It sent a shiver of pleasure down Jim’s spine.
Yes. Good. Right.
The thoughts flashed through his mind. He cupped Leonard’s cheek, dragging him down onto the bed with him, and pressed close. Leonard responded by wrapping an arm around Jim’s waist to keep him close.
Jim grinned, looking up at Leonard happily. “No more letting the past get in the way of things.”
Leonard hummed in agreement. “Take it one day at a time.”
Jim nodded and pulled Leonard in for another hungry kiss.
Home.