Chapter Text
Steve drove silently towards his house, gripping the wheel tightly to keep from switching the radio to another station. Or off. Anything to avoid the hair band attack Danny had been throwing at him since--
But he wasn't thinking about that.
He'd stopped thinking about anything personal since the moment he'd left Danny's house. His life was all shoved back into his broken boxes, where it leaked out a little when he had a particularly nasty perp, or running, or swimming--the places he could push it out as energy and hope it stayed away.
It was toughest in the car, with Danny close enough that Steve could smell him, could feel the heat off his body, where he could hear the way Danny breathed. He wondered if it was weird that he knew just from Danny's breath patterns what his real mood was.
Which was part of the problem. Because whatever Danny said, however normal he tried to act, Steve could tell this was still getting to him by his fucking breathing.
He'd tried to hold back this thing with Danny because he didn't want to hurt someone he cared about, and now he was hurting someone he cared about even more. And he didn't know how to fix it.
He couldn't just kick Catherine out. Not that he'd made her any promises about a future together, but he had to be more careful than that, especially with all she'd been through.
And in the meantime, Danny was equal parts pissed off and miserable.
At least he'd started picking Steve up again. After the third day in a row where Steve had driven in to work, Catherine had jokingly asked them in HQ, in front of Chin and Kono, if they'd had a lover's tiff because they weren't driving in to work together.
Danny had picked Steve up the next day, like nothing had changed.
But it had. The silences in the car were deafening. They talked about cases, but Danny's random rants, which Steve had grown to look forward to--not that he would ever tell Danny that--were gone. Or they had been--he'd ranted about someone who walked out in front of their car, and Steve had wanted to hug him for it, like he'd done it as a gift just for Steve.
Steve pulled into the drive at his house, leaving the car running. "I'll see you in the morning?" he said.
"Uh, yeah, about that. I got a thing," Danny said, and even without the twitch and the awkward temple scratch, Steve could tell from the way Danny's breathing had changed that he was lying. "Grace needs a new uniform for this cheering competition--I swear she grows a foot a day or something--so I need to take her shopping to get that and a few other things for the trip, so I'm going to just start my vacation a day early. Okay?"
No, Steve wanted to say. Because he hadn't prepared himself for Danny's absence just yet. He needed one more day of his presence to wean himself off slowly. But he couldn't say that.
"Sure. Tell Grace I said hi."
"I will. Thanks."
Danny looked at Steve expectantly, and after a moment, he realized he was supposed to get out of the car and go into the house. Where Catherine was waiting.
Right.
"Okay, so, um...have fun," Steve said. "See you when you get back."
"Yeah. See you then."
Steve got out of the car and walked away. When he got to the door, he turned and watched until Danny was out of sight.
***
Catherine was on the couch when Steve walked in, but she jumped up with a ready smile. "Hey," she said, meeting him by the door. "Danny not coming in?"
"No, he had to get home. He has a thing tomorrow."
She frowned at him. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah," he said quickly. "Why?"
"Well, I know I joked about you and Danny having a lover's tiff the other day, but all joking aside, the two of you seem a little odd."
Steve shrugged, turning to go to the kitchen. "Nothing's wrong," he said over his shoulder, seeing that she was following him. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a beer, holding it out. "Want one?"
She took it, still giving him a thoughtful look as she opened the bottle and took a sip. He opened one for himself and headed out to the lanai.
He didn't go to the chairs, though. He stood on the lanai and watched the sun sinking into the sea. Catherine stood beside him, but he didn't really pay much attention until she said his name. "Hm?" he asked, turning to look at her.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just a long week."
She studied him for a long time, and he blanked his expression, waiting for her to decide it wasn't anything major worth pursuing. After a minute, she nodded, though he wasn't sure she didn't still have doubts. Because, as Danny had reminded him, she wasn't stupid. "Well, the next week may be longer," she said.
"Why?"
"Because I've been asked to pull extra duty. My old CO found out I joined the Reserves and needed some help, so he called me."
It was the happiest she'd looked since before she left the Navy. He wondered if she realized it. If she was doing extra Reserve duty because she knew the Navy was what was missing in her life, or if she was just gravitating towards it because it felt good.
He understood. He missed it sometimes, too. But the thought of going back full time now no longer filled him with excitement or possibilities. The work he did here was enough. What he had here was better than the Navy. He'd found a purpose, then a family and a home, when he'd taken on Five-0. And he'd told Catherine he'd help her transition the way he did.
But maybe it wasn't what she wanted. Or maybe not what she needed.
He didn't ask. He only said, "Where are you going?"
"I can't exactly say. But I won't be gone that long."
Steve nodded and took another drink. "You seem happy to be going back."
"I am," she said, with that smile that had attracted him to her in the first place. And she hadn't changed. She was still Cath. Still reliable and amazing and wonderful. Still beautiful and patient and giving. She was perfect. Except for one thing.
She wasn't Danny.
"I'm glad."
And he was. He was genuinely happy for her. He'd put his life on hold, in some ways, to help her find her way back to a steady place.
If that was the Navy, he'd deliver her re-enlistment papers himself.
"I have to leave in the morning," she said, before she finished off her beer. "Wanna come say a proper goodbye?"
He thought about Danny saying goodbye in the car, how he'd be gone a week. And now Catherine would as well, leaving him alone in an empty house with his thoughts.
Then he stopped thinking entirely and let Catherine lead him in the house and up the stairs.
***
Danny was amazing. Steve had never felt anything like this before, the way his cock slid into Danny's body, just skin, nothing between them to deaden any of the feeling. It was like flying. No, better than flying, better than the adrenaline of a night jump, it was air. Pure air.
He needed this, needed to be able to sink himself into Danny, to lose himself completely and come out on the other side more whole than he had before. He needed Danny, and Danny knew it, and he was looking down at Steve like he was the most amazing thing that existed, and it was almost too much, and Steve pushed up hard, almost there--
He woke with a start, confused about the sound of the ocean outside and the soft, female body lying beside him. Right. He was at home. In bed. With Catherine. Which was absolutely normal. So why was it so wrong in his head? Why did it feel like he shouldn't be there, that it was forbidden? Like...like he was cheating on Danny.
Steve sighed, turning onto his side away from Catherine to stare at the wall. She moved when he did, putting his arm around him, her hair tickling his shoulder as it settled there. It was so familiar. And so wrong.
But she was on the path to the Navy. If she could just get there, he could end this and be with Danny.
And then what?
Danny loved him, he knew that just as he knew he loved Danny. It never even had to be said, it was just a fact.
But Danny had loved Rachel. And Gabby. And been distracted by almost every hot girl to walk by in a bikini. And yet none of his relationships had worked. He and Rachel were barely civil. He'd let Gabby go without a fight.
Loving Danny felt like flying. The thought of losing him felt like falling out of a plane with no chute.
His throat and lungs felt tight, and he sucked in a breath, but it didn't help. Out of nowhere he remembered answering the door when the cop had come to tell them his mother had died. He remembered the phone call with his father, that last minute when he'd known there was nothing he could do, the sound of the bullet over the phone, so far away, and yet feeling like it had gone straight through his own heart.
He sat up, dislodging Catherine from him as he swung his feet over the side of the bed, elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, trying to breathe.
Catherine put a gentle hand on his back. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Steve lied, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I'm gonna go for a swim. I'll be back in for breakfast before you leave."
"Okay."
He hurried out of the room, grabbing his trunks and shoving them on as he walked, not stopping until he dove into the ocean.
***