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Pulling back the slide on my pistol, I checked to make sure the silver bullets were in and ready. Seeing that they were, I glanced over to find Sam and Dean had finished their own weapon checks and were waiting on me before opening the manhole. Giving them a nod, I slipped a silver knife into my boot and closed the trunk of the impala. As I walked over, Dean knelt down and removed the manhole cover.
“Hey Y/N, you ready for the glamorous sewer life of a shifter?” He glanced up at me with a cocky grin.
Recoiling from the breeze wafting up from the sewer, I tried not to breathe in too deeply and hide my reaction to the smell. I didn’t hide it well enough because Sam patted my shoulder and laughed.
“Yeah, I know. Sewers are an acquired smell. Don’t worry Y/N, hopefully we won’t be down there too long.”
Throwing him a grateful smile, I turned back to Dean, slid my gun into my waistband, and smirked. “You think you can keep the sewer out of your hair?”
Mock glaring at me, Dean moved his legs into the hole and found the ladder. “Sweetheart, I think that’s something you’ll have to worry about more than I do,” he motioned to my ponytail before beginning to climb down into the sewer.
Watching him disappear into the darkness made me uneasy for a second until I felt Sam’s hand on my shoulder again.
“Hey, Y/N, it’s okay.” In the time I had known the boys, I had opened up to them some. During one drunken night with them, after a few too many beers I had let slip that I wasn’t too fond of enclosed dark spaces. Yet that was nothing compared to the real reason I got scared watching Dean disappear. “Dean’s down there, we’ll be with you the entire time. He’s probably impatiently waiting for us to climb down.” A loud knock, like metal hitting metal, reverberated up the shaft, proving Dean’s impatience and Sam’s statement.
Biting out a laugh, I swung my legs onto the ladder rungs to begin my descent.
Reaching the bottom, I moved out of the way so Sam could come down too, pulling out my gun just in case. Once Sam reached the bottom of the ladder, Dean motioned towards the long sewer line that we thought, and hoped, would lead us to the shifter’s lair.
The boys went into the tunnel first, while I acted as the backup and resisted the urge to pull my shirt over my nose and mouth. We quickly and quietly made our way down the walkway and soon reached an intersection of four different sewer tunnels. Looking around at the three openings, I sighed, knowing that none of us was going to like what needed to happen.
“We all know how to proceed from here,” Dean was the first to speak but the reluctance was obvious in his voice, “Sammy, take right, Y/N, take middle, and I’ll take left. If anyone meets trouble, shout and the rest will come running.”
“Dean, I really don’t think that’s a good idea - ” Sam started to speak but Dean cut him off.
“Sam, I don’t like it any more than you, but it’s the best way to do it right now.”
I felt bad because I knew Sam was only objecting for my sake. Placing my hand on Sam’s arm, I gave him a brave smile, “it’s okay Sam, Dean’s right. Splitting up sucks, but the sooner we do it, the sooner we can gank this shifter and get out of here.” I pulled my hand off his sleeve, afraid if I left it there a moment longer I’d grab his arm and not let go. Holding up my right hand I flashed the simple silver rings I always wore. “Besides, we’ve all got enough silver items that it can’t pretend to be one of us long enough to do damage.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Sam gave me a small smile before turning to start down the right tunnel, gun held in front of him, ready to shoot anything that moved.
“You keep safe now Y/N, don’t try any heroics, if you see the bastard, shoot first and yell if you need us.” Dean reached over and gave me a quick hug before heading down the leftmost tunnel in a similar fashion.
I listened to their footsteps until they faded down the other tunnels before turning to the middle tunnel and taking a deep breath, trying not to choke on the sewer smell.
“Okay, you’ve got this, Sam and Dean believe in you and will come help if you need them.”
Double checking that my knife was still in my boot, I lifted my gun and started slowly walking down the tunnel. There was nothing to see or worry about for the first ten meters or so, not even the rats wanted to be in these sewers. All too soon I started seeing some light and could hear something moving around ahead of me. Picking up my pace a little, I quickly made it to the end of the tunnel and saw that I had found the shifter’s home.
Not wanting to give myself away in case the shifter was in there, I snuck past the tunnel opening and got a look around the small area. There wasn’t much to see, but I saw a few piles of the goop left over after a shifter changes, and a shelf holding a few items that looked like mementos or trophies from the different kills that the shifter had done. Staying alert, I carefully walked over to look at the objects, while I placed my gun back into my waistband. As I approached, I saw that one of the items was a doll, similar to one I had as a child, before the real world decided to show me how cruel it could be. Picking up the doll, I turned it over in my hand, looking at the painted on face, noticing the smudges that showed how often it had been carried around, feeling the smoothness of its features. So lost was I in the details of the doll, that I didn’t hear the shifter coming into the room until it was right behind me.
“How did you find me?” The low timber of a familiar voice startled me from my thoughts. Dropping the doll, I tried to pull out my pistol as I turned around but couldn’t when the shifter grabbed my arms and held them behind me. I couldn’t see it since it held me so I faced the trophy shelf, hissing in pain as it tightened its grip on my arms.
“It wasn’t too hard, just had to follow the sewer smell.” I regretted the sarcasm as soon as it left my mouth, but it was too late. Growling, the shifter slammed me forward into the wall and I blacked out.
The overwhelming scent of sewer invaded my nostrils causing me to attempt to jerk awake. I only managed to bump my head on a low pipe and nearly rip my shoulder out of the socket with my sudden movement. Shaking my head a little to clear my thoughts I whimpered as the movement reminded me that a wall had met with my head earlier. Remembering earlier caused me to pause and try to determine how long I’d been out. Since there were no clocks or windows and my wrists were tied around a pole behind my back I couldn’t tell what time it was and so couldn’t figure out how long I’d been out. Looking around I noted I was still in the same room as before, I could see the shelf of trophies from where I was tied up. Starting to catalog my injuries I figured out the worst was the possible concussion followed by my arms where I could feel bruises forming from my wrist restraints. Wiggling my fingers told me that my silver rings were still there, but I could feel that the shifter had taken my gun from my waistband. Rolling my foot a little I determined that my knife was still in my boot, possibly unnoticed by the shifter since I was wearing jeans.
I started wiggling my hands to try and get loose from the restraints, but hadn’t gotten anywhere when I heard footsteps start coming towards me. I jerked harder at the restraints, but it did nothing except cause more pain in my wrists.
The footsteps stopped, waiting just at the end of the tunnel opening. A second set of footsteps caught up and paused as well. Slowly a head peeked around the tunnel opening, looking around the room. I almost cried with relief when I saw that it was Dean and Sam was right behind him.
“Dean! I’m over here!” Calling out to him I tried to sit up a little more to be seen. “The shifter knocked me out and tied me up. Did you two kill it?”
I excitedly watched them walk over to me, waiting for one of them to help remove the restraints, but as they got closer, I noticed that something seemed off about them. Neither had spoken in the entire time since they entered, and both were walking slowly. When Dean was about five feet from me, I realized that he wasn’t wearing the same clothes he had been earlier. And none of his regular bracelets covered his wrists. Sam’s clothes had changed as well, and there was a scary glint in his eye as he looked at me.
“Guys? Are you okay? Why’d you change clothes?” As each question went unanswered, my panic started to rise a little higher and higher. “Dean? Sam? Dammit! Say something, anything, please!”
Sam started laughing at the noticeable panic in my voice, and Dean even cracked a smile. Both stood in front of me, leaning against the pipes that went from floor to ceiling.
“Sweetheart, what makes you think something’s wrong? Sammy and I just had to change our clothes ‘cause killing the shifters got a little messy.” Dean spoke as though he was trying to comfort me, but had the undertone of laughter he could barely hide.
“Wait, shifters? As in plural?” Puzzle pieces started falling into place, some of the evidence from the case making more sense as I thought about two or more shifters helping out. “How did you figure it out?”
“Oh, they didn’t.” Sam finally spoke after choking down his laughter. “But we figured you’d want to pretend we were them for a little bit. I guess it’s just hard for me to keep in character when it’s stupidly obvious that we’re fakes.”
Dean threw an exasperated look at his brother before turning back to me.
“Well, I guess the shifter’s out of the bag now. Doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun with you though. How’d you like to know some of Sam and Dean’s innermost thoughts about you? I bet you’d just love that.” The shifter wearing Dean’s skin got closer and closer to me until I was pressing into the pipe at my back to try and move away.
“Oh! I’ve got one! Sam thinks she’s a pretty useless hunter, that’s why they have her as the backup on hunts. They can’t trust her to do things right.” Shifter!Sam spoke up while Shifter!Dean reached a hand out towards me making me shake my head to try and stay away from him. “Sam doesn’t even want her to help with research cause he’s afraid she’ll get the facts mixed up.”
“Dean doesn’t want her using anything larger than a 9mm cause he’s afraid she’s going to end up shooting one of them instead of the target.” Shifter!Dean smirked and stood up to join in the taunting.
“Maybe we should just leave her the next time we stop for the night.”
“Oh, like ditch her at the motel and drive off so we can go do a successful hunt?”
“Yeah! Definitely. Not like anyone wants to stick around with her for long anyways. If at all even.”
I started breathing a little quicker as their words started to sink into my brain. Nothing they were saying was necessarily a lie. Sam often told me he was doing fine when I offered to help with research. Dean would have me practice on the gun range, but when I asked about using larger calibers would say that I needed to master a 9mm first. My breaths started coming in short gasps as these thoughts started cementing themselves in my brain. I could feel the lack of oxygen start to make my face feel numb. I curled my legs up into my chest, wishing that my arms were loose so I could completely curl into a ball. There was a roaring sound in my ears that I realized was just my own breathing being way too loud. Over the roaring I could hear the two shifters laughing at me and my breakdown. I tried to calm down, to try and escape the restraints, to do anything to stop the panic attack forming but found I was almost useless. Suddenly I felt the rope around my wrists give way from the constant pulling and rubbing I was doing and I had use of my arms for just a moment. Quickly grabbing the knife from my boot, I threw it into the chest of the shifter that looked like Dean with an accuracy that surprised even me. Before the other shifter could react, I stumbled forward on numb legs, grabbed the knife and slammed it into the throat of the remaining shifter.
Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to calm my racing heart, at least enough that I would be able to stand up and call for the guys. Carefully standing up, I deemed my nerves calmed enough that I could yell for Sam and Dean without looking like a complete fool.
“Sam! Dean!” My yell echoed around the small room, but I heard answering shouts come from the tunnels. Hoping that the brothers weren’t too far away I started to clean my knife and look around to try and find my gun.
Right as I noticed it sitting on the trophy shelf next to the doll, Sam and Dean pounded into the room, guns drawn and immediately looking for a target.
Waving my hand to get their attention I silently pointed at the floor, hoping that the less I spoke, the less chance they’d have to see how freaked out I was. Whistling in appreciation Dean shoved his gun into his waistband and walked over to the dead bodies.
“Why do these bastards love to choose us to imitate?” His gripe was aimed at Sam, but I saw the small smirk on his face betraying his humor at finding himself dead again.
“I dunno, maybe it’s our charming personalities?” Sam mimicked his brother’s actions and put his gun away. He glanced over at me quickly before turning to look at the bodies. “Y/N, did you kill both of them? With your knife?” His voice sounded almost incredulous and I couldn’t blame him when we all knew my knife proficiency was pretty shitty.
Just another reason they don’t want or need you around. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Sam’s whispered in my head, reminding me of all the things the shifters had said before I killed them.
Shaking my head I pushed those thoughts away, deciding I’d deal with it later on my own, refusing to seem weak in front of the guys. Hoping neither had noticed my lapse, I finished walking over to the shelf that had my gun. “Yeah, the bastards knocked me out and took my gun. Was able to get my hands free and throw the knife into one’s chest before grabbing it to stab the other in the throat.” Shoving my gun into my waistband, I turned to the two brothers and put on my best okay face.
“So, you boys ready to blow this popsicle stand? Cause I know I’m ready to wash the sewer smell out of my hair and catch up on some actual sleep.” Forcing a smirk, I walked past the brothers and started back into the tunnel that would lead us to the manhole we had entered in. I turned back to see the boys both staring at me, but then they shared a glance, shrugged and followed after me.
Once we had all climbed out of the sewer, we threw our jackets into the trunk along with our guns and silver knives. Grabbing a spare shirt from my duffle I changed at least that much, knowing I wouldn’t be able to change my pants until later. Sliding into the backseat I leaned back and tried to calm my racing mind. I couldn’t let myself fall asleep yet, knowing that I was still too close to a panic attack to let my guard down like that. The boys finished changing their shirts and climbed into the front seats, Dean immediately starting the engine and sliding one of his tapes into the player, Sam turning in his seat a little to make eye contact with me and give me a small smile.
“You did good tonight Y/N, I don’t think either of us would have been able to take down two shifters on our own like that.” Dean, busy bobbing his head in time with the music, made a grunt that I assumed was agreement.
“Thanks guys, but I don’t think I really want to do it again any time soon if that’s okay.” I faked a laugh and wiggled in my seat to get a little more comfortable for the car ride. Chuckling in agreement, Sam leaned back into his seat and settled in for a nap while Dean hit the gas, turning onto the highway that would lead us back to the bunker.
The drive went by fairly quickly, I mostly stared out the window at the passing scenery, letting it all flow over me while I tried to keep my breathing even despite my thoughts doing their best to push me into a panic attack.
As soon as we got back to the bunker I made a beeline for my room, almost forgetting to grab my duffle as I nearly ran past the trunk. Quickly weaving through the hallways of the bunker I almost collapsed in relief when I saw the familiar sight of my bedroom door in front of me.
Making it through the doorway of my room, I shut the door, flung my duffle into the corner and threw myself onto the bed. Barely pausing to take my shoes off I clutched my pillow to my chest as I instinctively curled into a ball. My breaths started getting faster and shorter and the roaring sound flooded back into my ears. I could feel my face going numb and my fingers starting to tingle as the lack of blood flow started to show. Logically I knew I should try to stretch out, that being curled up wasn’t helpful for anything, but despite that I curled tighter, trying to make myself as small as possible.
All of the comments from the shifters and my own unhelpful thoughts started to swirl around, becoming the only thing I could hear over the roaring in my ears.
They don’t want you here.
They hunt better without you.
They only let you stay because they felt sorry for you.
You’re useless to them.
Dean wants to ditch you.
Sam knows how stupid you actually are.
Sooner or later they’re just going to leave you like everyone else already has.
Unnecessary.
Useless.
Failure.
So lost was I in my own thoughts I didn’t notice my door creep open. I didn’t see Dean poke his head in and do a double take at the sight of me curled up on my bed. I didn’t hear him shout down the hallway for Sam to ‘get his ass in here now!’ Didn’t notice Sam come running in and send Dean away as soon as he saw me. I did feel the mattress shift as Sam sat next to me. I felt his hands gently grab my shoulders and pull me close to him. I was pulled away from my thoughts as he held me close, gently enough not to aggravate any wounds, but firmly enough to start grounding me back in reality.
As he sat me up, I tried to slow my breathing enough to talk, but wasn’t able to get any discernable words out, only partial fragments causing me to choke up and sink back towards my thoughts.
“Shh, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’m okay, Dean’s okay, we’re all okay.” His voice was soothing and he started rubbing circles on my back as he spoke. “I need you to slow down your breathing. Can you try to match with me?” Sam started taking exaggerated breathes, physically moving me as he breathed in and out. I started trying to match my breathing with his, but kept choking up on some of the in breaths causing all progress to disappear and revert to hyperventilating.
“Whoa, Y/N, babe, you need to slow your breathing. Come on, I know you can do it.” Sam’s voice was slowly breaking through to me, reminding me that I was safely in the bunker with him and Dean.
I tried to uncurl myself a little, fighting against my limbs that wanted to stay curled up against my body. I succeeded in moving my arms away from my face only to suddenly fist my hands in my hair. I started tugging at the strands wrapped around my fingers as my breathing started to pick up again.
Sam noticed me pulling at my hair and stopped rubbing my back to reach up and try to untangle my hands from my hair. Pitiful whimpering noises escaped my mouth between gasps as he tried to remove my hands. I felt my fingers weakly move but I had little control over them. My face felt tingly from the lack of blood flow, and my legs were starting to cramp into the curled position because of how long I had left them that way.
Despite the edges of my vision starting to blur, I could see Sam clench his jaw as though having an internal debate. Before I could try and ask him what was wrong he moved and did the last thing I would ever expect.
Sam’s lips came crashing down onto mine, cutting off my hyperventilating and surprising me. I tensed up for a second before relaxing into the kiss, loosening my hands from my hair and letting go of the tension in the rest of my body. He moved back for a second to catch his breath and I immediately yearned for the broken contact. Wriggling in his hold I tried to move forward a little, whether to kiss him again or to simply nestle myself into his chest I wasn’t sure. Seeing me moving Sam leaned back in and gave me a gentler kiss, cupping his hand on my cheek and pulling me closer with the arm around my waist. This time when he pulled back for air he rested his forehead against mine and smiled at me.
“I guess it worked.” He whispered as he raised his hand to brush some hair back from my face.
“What do you mean?” I cuddled closer to his chest, turning a little so I could keep eye contact with him.
“You’ve stopped hyperventilating, I decided to try an odd version of ‘turning it off and on again’ to see if it helped. Cutting off your air for a second worked.” I couldn’t get mad at the soft smirk that crossed his face as he watched me process that. I hadn’t really noticed when I stopped having to gasp for air, but thinking back, I realized it had been right after he kissed me the first time, and I’d been too preoccupied with trying to get closer to him to re-start hyperventilating.
“Thank you Sammy.” He smiled at my murmured response, allowing me to use the name normally only Dean could get away using.
“Do you want to talk? What is it that caused this?”
Hearing the concern in his voice made me want to curl back up in a ball and hide. Resisting the urge I leaned my head back so I could see his face again. “It was just a little panic attack, I’ll be fine, sorry you had to see that.” The idea of telling Sam the truth behind my panic attack almost started me towards another. I could feel my heartbeat start to pick up again.
Apparently Sam could too because he pulled me closer and shifted so that we were both leaning against the headboard of my bed. “Y/N, it didn’t seem like nothing. I thought you were fine in the car, but then you almost sprinted to your room once Dean put it in park. What’s really going on?”
“Sam, I don’t know if I can tell you.” I could feel tears start to well up and furiously wiped them away before they could start to trail down my face.
“Y/N, why not? I swear I’m not going to think any differently of you. I just want to help, but I can’t if I don’t know what the problem is.” The sincerity in his voice broke through my resolve and a few tears escaped from the corner of my eye before I could stop them. Lifting his hand, Sam cupped my cheek and wiped them away. “Please, let me in, I want to help you. But I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
Choking back sobs I opened my mouth to try and tell him it was nothing, try being the key word. Once I opened my mouth, I started sobbing and couldn’t get a word out. Sam pulled me closer and let me cry into his shirt, soaking it through entirely. The sobs started to get less intense and I knew that I had to stop hiding.
Soon it all came spilling out. My fears of abandonment and loneliness, what the shifters had said while they looked like the guys, all the thoughts running through my head that constantly made me second guess how much anyone actually needed me around. I couldn’t tell if Sam understood all of what I was saying since I started crying again about halfway through, but he just sat there and held me through it all, occasionally wiping away a tear, or pushing some hair back behind my ear. In the end I was just curled in his arms crying, there was nothing more I wanted to say that I hadn’t already spoken.
Seeing that I had finished talking, Sam didn’t speak for a minute. Worried that I had finally said too much and scared him away I tried to glance at his face without him noticing. As my eyes moved up I suddenly made eye contact with him. While I had been trying to look at him, he’d simply been waiting for me to look up. Before I could try and look away or make an excuse, he gave me a sad smile.
“I’m so sorry.” His words startled me, what was there for Sam to be sorry for? If anything I should be the one apologizing (again) to him, not the other way around. Seeing my mouth open to say something he hurried to keep talking before I could interrupt. “I should have noticed this sooner, Dean and I should have made it clear you could come to us about anything, come to me about anything. It’s never nothing if it’s something that affects you this much, so don’t try and tell me that it wasn’t a big deal or anything.”
I could hear the sorrow in Sam’s voice, and decided I needed to say something. “Sam, I’ve been hiding my fears from the world for as long as I can remember, don’t beat yourself up for not noticing. If Dean hadn’t walked in on me while I was having an attack, you and Dean still wouldn’t know. I’m a hunter, I don’t have time for fears or weaknesses which is exactly what my panic attacks are.”
“No!” The sudden, loud voice startled both Sam and I. Looking over to the door we saw Dean sheepishly peeking around the door after realizing he had given himself away.
“Dean! How long have you been hiding at the door?” I was mortified by the thought that Dean heard everything that had been said.
“Ever since Sam sent me away but I figured you might want something to drink so I brought you some water?” He ended his statement as a question, holding up the glass of water while rubbing the back of his neck with the other hand. Seeing him look like a toddler in trouble made me laugh before I could stop myself. Sam joined me as the sight of his brother finally processed in his mind. Dean gave us both an offended look before suddenly smiling ruefully as he walked over to sit on the bed with us.
Once I had control of my laughter Dean handed me the glass and I gratefully took a sip before setting it on the bedside table and turning to look at him. “So, care to share why you decided you out yourself?”
“You aren’t weak. Sam and I hadn’t noticed anything before today, and you were an amazing hunter even before you started joining us on hunts. You obviously have figured out a way to either get through them on your own or control them. That isn’t a weakness. And now that Sammy and I know about this, you don’t have to do it alone. We’re here to help you. We want to help you.”
His comments about my hunting abilities made me blush before the rest of his little speech sunk in. “Wait, you want me to keep hunting with you? Even though you know how much of a freak I am now?”
“Y/N, you’re not a freak. You’re an amazing person. Being scared of something doesn’t make you weak. Being able to overcome it and keep going despite it all makes you a stronger person, and an awesome hunter.” Sam spoke up from behind me, tightening his arms around me to hug me close.
“Plus I saw how Sam helped stop your attack. If I tried to say you had to leave I’m pretty sure Sam would try to kick my ass.” Dean smirked as he revealed just how much he had seen, his smirk grew wider as Sam and I both started to blush.
“Yeah, definitely called that one from a mile off. You two are so -” Dean’s sentence was cut off as Sam and I both threw pillows at him, effectively stopping his smug gloating. “Fine, if that’s how you two want to be, I’m going to go eat some pie, and neither of you can have any!” Pretending to ignore us Dean walked to the door, but stopped and turned around before he entirely left the room.
“But seriously Y/N, anytime you want or need to talk, if Sam isn’t available, you know where to find me. Please let us help you, you are not alone.” Giving me a genuine smile he closed the door softly behind him.
“He’s right you know, you aren’t alone. I’m definitely here for you.” Sam’s voice was soft but steady.
Turning in his arms I wiggled around until I was laying down on my bed and looked up at him expectantly. “Gonna lay down with me?”
Grinning at my blunt invitation Sam toed off his boots and then slid into the bed, reaching over and grabbing me to pull me close again.
“I love you Y/N, don’t hide from me anymore. I want to help you.”
“I know Sammy. I’ll try to talk to you both about it more, try to let you know when I’m starting to have issues or feel an attack starting.” I curled into his touch and relaxed in the warmth he was generating.
“And Sam?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you too.”