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Noel was grinning but there was something very sincere in the very edges of his voice.
“If you come in, you have to stay forever.”
“Sure, I haven’t got much on anyway.”
Julian sighed and rolled over. The sun wasn’t quite managing to creep its way through the curtains. It was morning; the shadows on the wall were different in the mornings. It wasn’t a dream, but looking back now it hardly seemed real, either. Julian had left, as it turned out, about four, just as the clouds began to go pale. After the fourth angry shout for them to keep it down. Noel’s housemates apparently hadn’t enjoyed their jokes as much as they had. Physically he’d left, sure. But mentally, metaphysically, spiritually, he hadn’t moved an inch. Or, to put it in rom-com terms, his heart had set up camp in Noel’s tiny, ugly and in all honestly probably heath-hazard of a kitchen. It wasn’t that they’d peeked. The dizzying heights of their relationship he would have scarcely believed as he’d staggered out of the house, resisting Noel’s attempts to get him to stay.
“You can sleep in my slipper.”
But there was something so real about watching Noel making him a cup of tea. So simple, he could watch him then, and the pleasure didn’t feel uncomfortable or expected. Noel had turned that simple act into a dance, inventing twenty characters while he moved about the cramped space. Looking back now the origins of the Hitcher probably came from Noel stealing him some bread to make toast.
As he’d left to drive home, Julian had felt... What? Excited? Alive? Complete?
No. He'd felt awake. He’d suddenly realised that he wasn’t alone. There was someone, a person that until a few weeks ago he’d never even seen, who understood. The world wasn’t what was real. It was all in your head. It could be anything you wanted it to be. There were philosophers whose life work had been to realise this very fact. But, Noel just seemed to know it, his child-like innocence expected nothing less.
Julian, it was fair to say, didn’t find it easy to let people get close. But it hadn’t even been a question with Noel. They just were. Noel had moved into his life with a smile and the offer of a cuppa. Stupid really. But utterly amazing.
He was already late, so he rolled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. Best start the day. And The Tour. He pronounced the capitals in his head. This was his and Noel’s time. Just them. And about four million other people. But, essentially it was just them. Like always.
***
The lie made Julian at least feel a little better. It wasn’t like always. The Boosh was a franchise now. There were a lot of people and even more money riding on The Tour. It wasn’t that Dave, Mike, Rich or even Noel weren’t aware of this. It was just that it seemed not to affect them. Of course it’d be alright. Of course the audience and the critics would love them. Even if they didn’t, who cares.
“It’s our baby, Julian, we can raise her how we want.”
Noel was surrounded by people all the time. Fans, groupies, journalists, band members, Dee, Mike, Dave, Rich, his new best friend of the week. People flocked to him, and he loved everyone. There was not a fake bone in his body. He held genuine affection for everyone he met. It was why people responded so positively to him. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, it never bothered Julian. Noel would always come back to him. Text him before he went to sleep. Julian knew he was special to Noel. Him and Dee would always be around. Noel just expected it, and so did they.
Still.
Still.
It was right around here in his thoughts that a weight settled in Julian's stomach. A vague feeling crept over him that there was something... Something, like a dream he couldn't quite remember, that wasn't right.
Noel was a friendly kind of guy. He liked hugs. Giving them, getting them. Their’s was a physical relationship. When he was feeling unsure Julian moved closer to Noel. There was something very solid about Noel, despite his physical slightness. Being able to touch him had always made Julian feel more secure, grounded. Nothing could hurt them when they were together. Not even journalists’ and their snide comments. Noel did the same, it just didn’t feel natural to be semi-close to Noel. It was all or nothing. You couldn’t just stand near him, no, it had to be right next to him, or what was the point?
“And what have you got in store for us this time?” The journalist was pretty. Very blonde. Very thin. Very happy. She’d been aiming for Noel, but been beaten to it by T4. She’d settled for Julian.
“A cacophony of things. Mostly tiny elves and giant bearded bread,” Julian mumbled not quite into the microphone.
She smiled, tried valiantly to laugh. “And I hear that Noel is thinking of producing his own fashion line.”
Heh. Julian half smiled. “No, that’s me, actually. I believe my style is truly timeless.” He felt himself trail off and look over to Noel, who was laughing into his bottle of beer. Silently wishing they hadn’t agreed to this meet and greet with the press, Julian let the interview tail off and wandered over to Rich.
“This sucks,” he said quietly.
Rich, in a rare moment of lucidity, grinned. “If you can’t keep up with the race, buy a new lama,” he said before bounding away and nearly bowling Mike over en route.
Julian frowned after him. There was a point in that.
***
It was that time of the evening. Noel was drunk. So was everyone. His arm snaked around Julian’s waist. His breath hot against his ear, he whispered. “I missed you, where’ve you been?”
“Not knee deep in groupies?” Julian grinned to take any sting out of the words.
Not that Noel would take offence, he simply ducked his head shyly and grinned. “But I looked for you,” he complained. His lips ghosted against Julian’s ear.
They were a tactile pair. They enjoyed the physical contact. They always had and that was fine. The odd heated kiss at a party was fine. Maybe there were times that Noel had been pressed against him, pushing them into a wall, and the lines had blurred a little at the edges. But that didn’t mean anything. It’s just the way they were. Ever since Julian had given Noel a lift home, they were close. Yes, closer than most other men, but didn’t mean anything.
At least, it hadn’t seemed to. Not when they were both single. Not when they were just starting out and it was just them. No Dee, no Boosh, no Rich, no journalists. No nothing. Just them. But now... now there were the twins. There was Julia and Dee. No rings as of yet. Yet. But there the word was just the same.
Julian smiled and peeled himself away from Noel. The weight in his stomach lurched unhappily and Julian felt himself sway with it. Noel hadn't noticed and was chatting happily about the people at the party. Julian didn’t care. The world was tilting, the weight in his stomach was dragging it sideways and he couldn't reach out to Noel to stop it. Noel didn’t feel right pressed against him and he just wanted to go home.
“I’m off,” he managed after a long time of not listening to Noel.
“To the hotel?” Noel smiled and downed the last of the bottle he held in his right hand, and placed in down on the nearest flat surface. Taking a sip from the one in his left hand he shrugged. “The party is only just beginning. We got the whole of The Tour to go!”
Of course. There was no going home. Not for a long time. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Julian let Noel hug him but pulled away before he could align their bodies fully.
Noel looked at him. Did he feel it too? That the whole world was suddenly spinning on the wonk? That nothing seemed right at all? The moment was gone and Noel was back in the crowd of people looking for the dance floor.
***
The problem with The Tour was that there was nowhere to hide. Even during filming there was plenty to distract them. The Boosh band, the festival, the album. They were new, they needed constant thought and focus. Even from Noel. It was easy with all of that going on not to think. Not to notice that things weren’t the same. That they’d moved on and now something didn’t fit.
It wasn’t them. Not Noel and Julian, they still made each other laugh so much it hurt and they still instinctively understood one another. You couldn’t stop something like that. Even if you wanted to, and Julian really didn’t. Noel and the Boosh meant everything to him.
He sighed.
A lot. It meant a lot, because it wasn’t everything. Not anymore. They both had so much more in their lives that was important. So he and Noel didn’t fit right. Something in Julian told him that it wasn’t right. They shouldn’t still be texting each other good night. Noel should not be the person he wanted to tell his funny stories to. Noel shouldn’t be the one that Julian sought out when he was unsure. That was obvious. They didn’t fit in the lives they had created. The bare walls did little to take his mind off of these thoughts. Instead they crept slowly closer and Julian’s heart felt like it was going to leap right out of his chest. The realisation that it was all wrong. That they were all wrong was like suddenly realising the sky was purple.It was all just a dream. Nothing was real anymore.
Julian didn’t sleep.
Noel sidled over to him some time the next day. There was a lot of technical discussion going on about lighting. Noel hated it. He grabbed Julian’s hand and smiled up at him.
Julian felt queasy for reasons he couldn’t explain. The world had tipped the wrong way and he didn’t know how to fix it. In fact, he was quite sure they were all going to fall off. This, he realised, was going to hurt. A lot.
***
So, he was hiding. Which, on tour, was no mean feat. He was trying to start a whole new way of being. Not gravitating towards Noel at any given opportunity. Trying to create an appropriate amount of distance, while at the same time, trying to make sure nothing at all changed. He couldn’t bare the thought of upsetting Noel, of letting on to the fact that they weren’t right. Selfish, probably, he realised, because if Noel didn’t know, then it meant that nothing had to change. If Noel still thought they were as tight as ever, then what Julian thought didn’t matter. But, if Noel figured it out too, then everything had to change. They had to drag their relationship out into the sunlight and examine it. Julian’s stomach turned over at the mere thought. He knew what they would find, and the choice they’d have to make. Julian swallowed and gripped the sides of his jacket convulsively. Worse, he knew what they’d choose.
“Eh, Julian?” Noel nudged him hard in the ribs, looking for some support.
“Oh, yeah,” Julian nodded and looked away. Dave was standing over the other side of the room, eyes still blacked from being Bollo. Julian hadn’t been able to follow any of the conversation with Noel and the key grip anyway. He moved slowly away and went to stand next to Dave. Dave would be his new Noel, or rather, his Noel-lite. His Noel-morphine. Norphine. “Alright?”
Dave nodded, spooning... something into his mouth. Yogurt? Off milk? Very hard to say.
Julian nodded, bounced on his toes. He felt ridiculous, like he was asking someone out again at fifteen. “Will you be my friend?”
Dave seemed to take pity on him. “That review sucked, huh?” He nodded toward a paper thrown into a near-by bin.
Julian nodded. This life sucks. “They always want to hate success.”
Dave grinned. “I thought it was fucking funny, but what do I know?”
Julian nodded. “Yeah.” He had a strange urge to say something dramatic. “Nothing will ever be funny again.” Instead he nodded to Dave’s plate. “Is that what I think it is?”
“Low fat yogurt?” Dave asked, his spoon paused half-way to his mouth.
Julian shook his head. “Wale sperm.”
Dave spat the contents of the spoon all over himself, Julian and the floor. Laughing so hard he nearly dropped the plate. Dave’s laughter filled the room; Julian reached out a hand to steady him.
Noel looked over to them, and frowned. Julian pretended not to notice the vaguely hurt look on his face and helped Dave wipe up his spilt lunch.
****
“Don’t you think, though?” Noel was staring at him, a grin firmly in place.
Julian pretended not to notice that it seemed a little fixed. “I do, indeed.” Noel sat down heavily on the sofa, pressing all of the left side of his body against Julian.
Julian felt his stomach clench, his jaw tightening without him noticing. He looked around, trying to find some sort of escape from the physical contact. He couldn’t bare how wrong it felt. That somehow, this simple act was a betrayal. Not just of Julia, of the twins, but of the whole basis of his and Noel’s friendship. If that’s actually what they’d been engaged in all these years. Julian, for his part, rather doubted it were that simple. His vision swam and he closed his eyes. Sleep would be really great right about now.
“You not sleep well?” Noel asked, sounding both amused and concerned. Noel had a very good way with vocal tones, he could cram anything up to five or six emotions into a single sentence.
Julian felt that was rather a personal question. “Have you seen Dave?” He didn’t know why he said it but he suspected that having the real thing sitting next to him made him crave some Norphine. Dave would be able to tell him what was happening with Noel. If he were okay, if he suspected something was up. Brilliant, really, Julian coagulated himself. It was like nothing ever happened.
“You two bumming or what?” Noel didn’t sound annoyed. He seemed to be working very hard to not sound annoyed so Julian acted as though he weren’t.
“Possibly.” He levered himself out between Noel and the arm of the sofa. “I’m working on it.”
“Right,” Noel sighed. “I have to make a couple of calls anyway.”
He was out of Julian’s dressing room before he could even breathe a sigh of relief. Although, there was no actual relief. Just a vague feeling of sadness.
Norphine. Right. Julian headed out of his dressing room and into the hallway.
Dave wasn’t in his dressing room. He was playing some sort of complicated game with Rich and Mike involving some coffee cups, a bottle of scotch and a big ball of rubber bands. Rich was shrieking and running about the room. Mike was grinning and not saying much, his phone in one hand, no doubt texting his girlfriend. Dave grinned up at Julian. “Alright? Did Noel find you?”
In a sense. “Yeah.” Julian plonked himself down next to Mike. It was easier to hide in a room full of people. This would do. For now.
****
The shows were going. One after another. Over a hundred of them. They didn’t feel as electric as they might have once. But if the audience noticed this, they didn’t let on. He was getting good at it, at avoiding someone without making them completely sure you were doing it. He avoided replying to Noel’s texts by bringing them up when they were safely surrounded by people. He’d give his answer and Noel wasn’t allowed to drag them into their special bubble where it was just them. But, Julian wasn’t being rude, or mean. Just sparing with his texts.
He found it hard to meet Noel’s eyes, though, even with the protective cover of Howard and Vince. In some ways, it made it worse. Wheeling them out. For Howard and Vince nothing had to change. They could be together forever. Society and its conventions didn’t trouble them. They could continue their adventure through time and space, move forward without it ever leaving its mark on them. Julian worried himself with the realisation he was jealous of, and more, actively annoyed at, fictional characters. Fictional characters of his own creation.
As he lay in another bed not sleeping, he began to wonder whether the Noel withdrawal symptoms were beginning to kick in. It didn’t seem possible to miss someone that you spent every day with.
He turned his phone off. Wrote texts to Noel on the blank screen and went through the motions of sending them. Apologies for being a twat. Explanations of his feelings. Jokes. Anecdotes. Insults. Sometimes he told him that he hated him and never wanted to hear from him again. This made his insides twist and his chest ache. His thumb traced over the ‘on’ button, before throwing the phone and across the room and attempting to beat this pillow into submission.
Backstage Noel would subtly follow Julian from room to room. Julian subtly left the room a few minutes after Noel arrived. There was always a reason. Someone to see, something to do, and Noel’s eyes would follow him as he left. Neither of them mentioned it and so everyone pretended it wasn’t happening. But Dave seemed uncomfortable when Julian singled him out. Perhaps he thought that he was choosing sides in a fight that he didn’t understand or even know about. Either way Julian needed a new source of Norphine.
***
It was that time of the evening. Noel was drunk. So was everyone. They were in Edinburgh. Or Newcastle. Manchester? Up north. Almost certainly no lower than the Midlands. “Come dance,” Noel’s breath was ghosting along his ear again. Julian’s stomach clenched and he felt sick. This weird concoction that Dave had pressed into his hand wasn’t helping. It made the club blur at the edges. Bending the light and making everything only semi-real.
Julian managed to shake his head. He tried to pull away from Noel, but Noel’s grip simply tightened on his jacket. “Come dance with me. We never dance anymore.”
Julian clenched his jaw. This was it, this was where he would make his stand. This was not what friends did. Adult male friends do not dance together. They don’t hold on to each other and move to the music. They hold the side of the bar and possibly tap their feet. He leaned down just enough to make himself heard. “Nah, don’t fancy it.”
“Julian, please? I haven’t seen you all week.” Noel looked up at him.
Looking back Julian knew that it was the upset in Noel’s face that did it. The unmasked hurt that Julian had been ignoring him for weeks for no reason. He couldn’t stand it. It made his whole being ache to see that look. So he did what any self-respecting Northern man would do when he feels guilty about things he can’t control. He got angry. “For fuck sake, Noel. You’re not my girlfriend.”
“Don’t be a prick, Ju,” Noel said, tiredly. “It’s just a dance.”
That was it. That was enough. Julian wrenched Noel’s fingers away from his coat. At first he meant to let go, but instead his grip on Noel’s slender fingers tightened. His other hand coming up to grab Noel’s wrist from around his waist. The tension of the last week, the last year, the last decade coiled in his chest. He pulled Noel toward him. Noel’s head jerked back in a bid not to collide with Julian’s own. They were now pressed flush against one another, Noel being shorter, was forced to look up into Julian’s face. His blue eyes searched Julian’s own. He didn’t seem afraid, at least not of getting hit, nor did he seem particularly surprised. He just looked at Julian, waiting to see what he would do.
Julian’s grip tightened, he was probably crushing Noel’s wrist and hand but he couldn’t let go. His head buzzed in confusion. His body made tiny jerks as it fought to pull him closer and push him away at the same time. Noel’s mouth was just mere inches from his own. That part of his brain that whispered for him to jump when he standing on the edge of a cliff flitted between options. Julian couldn’t think. He saw himself kissing Noel, holding him close and just giving in. He saw himself punching his skinny lights out. He saw himself fall away in a dead faint. He didn’t know what he wanted. What was right or wrong. But he knew one thing. He was angry. He was enraged, at Noel, at Howard and Vince, at Steve Coogan, at Dave, and all these people around them living their silly, happy lives, at himself. At just everything. The unfairness of the situation took his breath away.
Then he realised that Noel was shaking, little tremors that shook his whole body. He was trying to tense against them, but that just seemed to make it worse. The gravity of what was happening hit Julian. He shoved Noel in the general direction of ‘away’. He didn’t want this to happen, but here it was anyway.
Noel stayed where he was shoved. His eyes didn’t leave Julian’s for a long time. Julian couldn’t really understand the look he was being given by his best friend in that moment. Hurt didn’t really cover it. Perhaps it was the realisation that the shit was truly about the hit the fan. That something was erroneous in Booshville.
“It’s all gone wrong, hasn’t it?” Noel stayed so still it seemed that the moment might have been frozen in time.
Julian’s heart certainly felt like it was being gripped in an icy vice. He couldn’t find the words to say anything. He shook his head, not in denial of the question, but perhaps of the whole situation. His mouth opened to say something. Perhaps to fix it or to end it forever.
Of course at that moment Rich appeared like a guardian angel to save them. He swept Noel into his arms, dipped him like they were in a 1930s movie and kissed him. Noel let it happen. Let Rich lead him away into the crowd. But Julian could see the hurt from all the way on the other side of the club. He’d somehow managed to rip them both wide open. It was like he’d started open heart surgery but had no idea what to do next. So, there they both were, chests gaping open for the entire world to see. The world which was, in fact, spinning on the wonk. Julian put his arm out to steady himself. But all that he met was a gaping blackness.
***
“What the hell happened to your wrist?” Mike nodded down at Noel’s arm.
Julian followed his eye line. Sure enough, there on Noel’s pale wrist were two, perfectly formed, finger shaped bruises. Julian’s stomach plummeted right down to his toes. His face wanted to drain of colour and flush at the same time. His head span. There, for all the world to see was the physical evidence of last night.
“Oh, don’t know,” Noel said, trying to pull the sleeve of his jacket over it.
Mike frowned at him. Took one look at Julian and probably knew exactly what had happened. There was a long moment where he didn’t move or speak. He looked hard at Julian. Then, still looking at Julian said, “You don’t? Fair enough.”
Thus it was official. Julian no longer bothered to pretend that he wasn’t not talking to Noel. They spent the rest of the day on opposite sides of any room they happened to be in. They made brash jokes and talked too loudly. Everyone shifted uncomfortably, looking back and forth between them, but too unsure of what was happening to know what to say.
Noel kept looking over at him. His eyes all big and hurt. Julian tried to ignore it, and wondered whether everyone had noticed the gaping hole in his chest. His heart wasn’t beating right, either. It seemed to slow right down and then leap off at a gallop at a moment’s notice. He felt sick. Tired. Sad. Lonely. He wanted to go home.
***
“This review is shit, what’s everyone’s problem?” Dave said loudly.
Julian looked up from where he’d been staring into his lap. They were on the tour bus, no one seemed to want to talk to either him or Noel and so they’d sat at opposite ends of the bus, while everyone huddled in groups in the rest of the space.
Mike, who was sitting next to Dave, shrugged. “They’re arseholes. Ignore them, we’ve never bothered with reviews before.”
Dave sighed and tossed the paper away. He slumped back into his seat. “This tour feels like one giant Boosh funeral,” he muttered.
“Shut up,” Mike sighed.
No denial.
Julian lent back in his seat, his heart pounding. He was suddenly terrified. The end of the Boosh? It couldn’t be. That simply didn’t seem possible. The thought left Julian feeling like he was swinging out over the edge of a cliff, with only raging sea below. No Boosh? Might as well say no soul. No heart. No air.
No Boosh or no Noel?
What was the real problem here? Was he worried about not having a career? Not having any friends? Those things seemed almost a like a relief at the moment. So. No Noel, it was then. Not having him there at the end of the phone. Sending him a text and not knowing he’d get a reply. Not knowing if and when he’d see him. What would that feel like? Noel, out there somewhere, living his life and Julian having no knowledge of it. Not knowing what he was up to, who he was seeing, what he was thinking. That seemed like a world with no sun.
And yet... And yet.
He couldn’t help but feel that might be the right choice. That he could finally be a whole person. He could live an entire life without always feeling that there was something missing. When he was at home without Noel he could never settle, he felt restless like he’d misplaced his car keys. But, when he was with Noel he felt... Worried? Like there was something very odd about the situation. Like watching a foreign film with no subtitles; he thought he knew what was going on, but he had the nagging suspicion that he was missing something. Then there was society. It expected men like him to grow up. Noel, oh he could carry on like this forever. He was a rock-star. But, Julian was the sort of man who people expected to know about mortgages and life insurance. His sort of man had to grow up. Make decisions.
Rich settled down beside him. His face set in an unusually sombre expression. "Everyone’s too afraid to come talk to you.”
Julian resisted the urge to pretend nothing was wrong. It was just getting ridiculous. “So they sent you?”
Rich half smiled, which was oddly distressing. Things were seriously wrong when even Rich couldn’t muster the nerve to shout something obnoxious and run away. “I’m more used to getting hit in the head.”
“What do you want?” He tried to keep any irritation out of his voice.
“What do you want?” Rich was squirming in his seat, this was completely out of his comfort zone.
Julian could count the number of deep and meaningfuls they’d shared on one hand. Rich was simply not that sort of a guy. He wasn’t complicated, what he wanted was always so easy to understand that there wasn’t any need. Yet here he was, trying to save the Boosh. Julian had such a sudden rush of affection for him that he almost pulled him into a hug. Almost. “To go home.” He at least owed him the truth.
“You don’t want to play with us anymore?” Rich played absentmindedly with the fold-down table in front of him, not managing to look Julian in the eye.
The silence stretched on too long, and Julian couldn’t force an answer out. He didn’t know what to say.
Rich let out a long sigh. “Man, that fucking sucks.” He moved to an empty seat and stared out of the window until they reached the next town.
***
Fucking interviews.
“And does Old Greg make an appearance?” The interviewer leant in conspiratorially. “He’s my favourite.”
Julian cleared his throat, recrossed his arms. “I can tell you that all the characters will be in my head.”
She threw her hair back and laughed. “But not necessarily actually there?”
Julian smiled. Or his face tried to, he wasn’t sure the end product was that convincing.
“And where’s Noel?”
Oh God. “Doing his hair.”
She laughed heartily and wrapped up the interview. Noel had left him to deal with the press. This was payback. He knew how uncomfortable they made him. How he found it embarrassing and the more he didn’t know how to get the words out, the more stupid he felt, the quieter he became, and the worse the interview went. He felt like a huge charlatan, that any moment was going to be exposed. Noel was good at it. Everyone liked him and together they could put together a good interview. Alone Julian looked like a geography teacher trying to be down with the kids.
***
It was that time of the evening. Noel was drunk. So was everyone. Only this time there was no party. There was just the hotel bar and no one really wanting to talk to anyone else.
This tour feels like one giant Boosh funeral.
Julian went to bed early, he hated the sidelong looks. He lay down on his bed, his feet sticking out over the edge because he simply couldn’t muster the energy to take off his shoes. He didn’t know how long he lay there, just staring at the ceiling and blessedly not thinking. But the knock at his door made him jump. He ignored in and tried to carry on with his staring. There was another, louder knock. Julian sighed and rolled onto his side. The knock was now accompanied by what sounded like a kick. Julian sat up and stared at the door.
“Julian, just open the fucking door.”
Julian’s heart began to pound in his chest. Noel. He couldn’t move, though. He just stared, wide-eyed at the door.
The knocking ended. “Ju, please.”
Noel’s voice was soft, muffled by the door.
Julian was up and at the door before he even thought about it. Noel sounded so sad, so completely un-Noel that he his heart ached. His hand rested on the handle and he paused. Frozen by indecision.
“Julian.” He could almost see Noel through the door, his hair messy and his make-up smudged. There was a gentle thump that was probably Noel’s head coming to rest against the door.
His hand twitched on the handle before gently turning the lock and pulling the door open.
Noel blinked up at him. Now the door was open he didn’t seem sure what to do. He’d clearly not thought this plan through.
Julian for the first time in he didn’t know how long, realised that Noel was beautiful. He looked so fragile standing out in the hall, no socks or shoes. His hair was, indeed, ruffled and he had no makeup on at all. Obviously someone had put him to bed, and he’d gotten other ideas. Julian’s breath caught in his chest and his body seemed to fill up with some unidentifiable emotion. All the doubts, all the fear seemed to dull and fade. There was Noel, and he needed him. He needed Julian to make this all better. And as for him, Julian needed Noel to just be.
Julian’s hands reached out and they gently tugged Noel toward him, who came with no resistance. Once inside the room, Julian held Noel to him, arms wrapped tightly around his smaller frame. Noel’s head fell softly on his chest and Julian gently kicked the door closed after them. Noel’s hands came up and grabbed hold of the folds of Julian’s T-Shirt and held them tightly. They stood like that for a long time. Julian let his head rest on top of Noel’s just breathing in, letting himself realise that he was really there. But...
But.
That wasn’t the real world. Eventually someone had to move. Reality seemed to manage to sneak in under the door. Noel sniffed. Shuffled his feet and Julian let him go. His body seemed suddenly cold as Noel stepped back.
They still didn’t speak, but now the silence was awkward and tense.
“I’m sorry about your wrist,” Julian said when he couldn’t bare it any longer.
Noel shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt.”
“Good.” Julian nodded and they lapsed into silence.
“This tour stinks,” Noel said eventually. He seemed annoyed, frustrated and he glared at the carpet.
Julian could feel the words welling up inside him. “Well maybe if you weren’t trying to either drink, snort or shag everything you came across maybe we’d have better material.”
But he didn’t say it. He could see the argument stretch out before him. Noel calling him a twat and accusing him of jumping ship years ago and leaving him to sort it out, of never being there when they needed him. He’d shout back that maybe if Noel didn’t treat the whole thing as an excuse to party and live the life of a twenty year old, maybe he’d want to be around more. They’d scream at each other. Noel would threaten to leave the tour, Julian would shrug and say he didn’t care, and that would be it.
Sure they’d be able to stitch themselves back together, probably be friends and work together again. But what limped back from this so-far silent war would be permanently damaged. It wouldn’t work in the right way and they’d never feel the same again. Good, a part of him said. That’s what you want, some distance. But, here, with Noel too afraid to look him in the eye, Julian found that he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He sighed. “I know.”
“It’s my fault,” Noel scuffed his foot along the carpet. “I’ve pissed you off somehow and I can’t seem to fix it.”
Julian closed his eyes against the sight of Noel so dejected. He shook his head. “No, it’s... it’s nothing you’ve done. I’m sorry I’ve made you think that.”
Noel looked up and half shrugged. “Then why won’t you look at me anymore? Why don’t you text back? Why have you been following Dave around like a school girl with a crush? What’s changed?”
“School girl with a crush?” Noel shrugged again. Julian actually felt a smile threaten.
“Thanks.”
“Julian,” Noel looked away.
“Sorry.” He wasn’t sure that he could do this. How could be tell Noel how he really felt? He didn’t know if he was strong enough to handle what might happen. “Julia went to stay with her parents," he said slowly. There, he'd finally said it, and now it was real. It had actually happened.
Noel’s head jerked up. “What?” He frowned. “I take it you don’t mean for a holiday.”
Julian shrugged. “Apparently I’m never at home.”
“What?” Noel looked a little affronted, which Julian found oddly endearing. “You never go out anymore."
“I think she meant... you know...” Julian tapped the side of his head.
“Well, where the hell are you?” Noel seemed so side-lined by this revelation that all other thoughts had fled.
He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told anyone. It all seemed a bit too real. He just pretended to himself that it was a holiday. That way he wouldn't have to deal with what it actually meant.
"I hope you find what it is you’re looking for, Julian, really."
So, here he was, the day of reckoning. He’d come this far, might as well finish it. There didn’t seem to be much more to lose. “With you, I think.” Well, there it was. Out in the world. Julian couldn’t lie to himself about it anymore.
He was in love with his best friend.
Noel went a little pale. “Oh,” he said and looked away.
Now that it came to it, and Julian was actually in the midst of Noel telling him this was all in his head, he felt oddly calm. He wasn’t surprised, or hurt. It figured really. Of course Noel didn’t feel like he did. To Noel everyone was special, he wanted to know everyone, and be with them. He probably text everyone little jokes and to say goodnight. This infatuation, flirtation, tension, it was all in Julian’s head. Which, come to think of it, was fitting really.
“It’s okay,” he said, flatly, “you don’t have to say anything. Declarations of love from comedy partners are a strictly no RSVP event.”
Noel nodded, looking about a million miles away. Probably wishing he actually were. He didn’t move, neither of them did. They just stood in dead silence.
Julian cleared his throat. “Look, it’s late, I’d like to try for some sleep. Could we maybe just talk tomorrow?”
Noel nodded, let Julian lead him out of the door. Once it was shut Julian felt a wave of nausea, he took a couple of deep breaths and realised that his hands were shaking. He rubbed them over his face, clenched them. He managed a few steps away from the door. Then he sat down, his heart took off at a gallop and seemed to be taking his breath with it.
The world shrank to the size of the room, as Julian realised that he fucked every last thing in his life up. Pretty impressive. Career, girlfriend, family, best friend, love of his life. Gone. All gone. He thought for a moment that he might laugh.
He sat there for a long time. The light in the room began to shift before he managed to drag himself to the bed. Hands still shaking he pulled up the covers, turned away from the door and stared at the wall.
He might not have heard the soft click of the door had he not been holding his breath, trying to get some semblance of control. His heart began to beat hard and fast in his chest.
Soft footfalls made their way toward him. Then, a dip in the bed. He didn’t move, didn’t dare look round in case he was dreaming it. A body settled down behind him, and a cold arm came up over his waist pulling him closer.
“I didn’t know,” Noel’s voice was tiny. Like it was coming from far away, and Julian wasn’t used to hearing it tremble like that. “I thought I was out here all alone.”
Julian froze for long moment. Then he turned over, Noel moved back to let him. They stared at each other. Then Julian smiled. He reached out and brushed some hair from Noel’s face, the act was amazing just because he was allowed to do it. He allowed himself to. “You’re not alone,” he said softly, not wanting to break whatever magic this was.
Noel looked down. Slowly he reached out to take hold of Julian’s hand. He ran a thumb over Julian’s knuckles. “I’ve tried so hard to not think about that. I knew you would never...” He frowned and shook his head, he was biting at his lip hard enough to draw blood. “So I didn’t think about it, I pretended that it hadn’t happened. I thought if I just kept it light, acted like I didn’t then I wouldn’t anymore.” He looked up at him. “You know?”
Julian huffed in amusement. “Welcome to my world.”
Noel closed his eyes. “I’m sorry I left before. I suddenly thought that maybe this was all a dream and I didn’t want to screw it up.”
“Noel, I...” Julian stopped. He gripped Noel’s hand in his own and forced himself to speak. “I don’t know what to do. This can’t be right. We’re friends, with partners, what about the tour? What about the papers?”
Noel shook his head and grinned at him. “You daft northern sod. Is that really what’s been bothering you? All that, out there?” He waved their joined hands towards the window.
“Well, yeah.” Julian felt deflated. This wasn’t how he’d thought it would go.
“Out there, the world, it’s all in your head. This is us. We can do anything.” Noel grinned at him. And there, in that ugly hotel room, wrapped together under the sheets with Noel smiling at him and his hand gripped firmly in his own, Julian found he believed him.
“You mean,” Julian said, a little smile forming despite himself, “I can do this?” He inched forward and kissed Noel gently.
Noel rolled his eyes. “Course. You don’t even have to write it in the script anymore.”
Julian blushed despite himself. “You’re really here, with me?” he asked after a moment.
Noel pushed Julian onto his back and settled himself in next to him, his head resting over Julian’s heart. “Yeah, I’m really here.” Noel was still for a moment. “I’m falling asleep now, but tomorrow there’s going to be some pretty rigours sex in this bed.”
With that Julian laughed, all his fears dimming before winking out. It was them. Him and Noel, and they’d be fine. What they were to each other didn’t need to be defined. They just were. So the boundaries might change. Their lives might shift, but they would always be.
Julian let his arm wrap around Noel and pull him close. “Sounds about right." He closed his eyes. "But you know, if you fall asleep in here with me, you have to stay forever.”
Noel smiled into his chest, his finger tracing patterns on the exposed skin of Julian’s belly. “Sure, I haven’t got much on anyway.”
The End.