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i.
“this is a dream, right?”
“yes, jinyoung. i want to be honest with you from the start. you can wake up anytime you want.”
“why would i want to leave? wait… why am i not awake yet? shouldn’t the dream end the moment i realise it’s one?”
jaebum smiles at his innocent curiosity. “this is a slightly different kind of dream, jinyoungie. a special one.”
special how? the words die on the tip of jinyoung’s tongue as jaebum takes his hand and intertwines their fingers, then brings it up to his lips and kisses it, eyes meeting jinyoung’s meaningfully from above their conjoined hands. the gesture is easy and natural as breathing, as if he’s done it a thousand times before.
oh. they’re together in this dream.
“do you understand now?” jaebum lowers his hand but doesn’t let go. he’s smiling, shy and slightly pink.
jinyoung nods his head. he subtly pinches his thigh with his other hand, but still doesn’t awake. everything makes no sense, but perfect sense at the same time.
he barely notices jaebum as he stumbles groggily to the bathroom to wash up after he finally awakes. they brush shoulders outside his room, as if jaebum had been approaching to knock on his door. it’s unlikely, though. jinyoung has to remind himself that they’re just platonic bandmates, friends in this universe. the dream was so vivid and realistic that he still has trouble differentiating reality and illusion.
he barely registers jaebum stopping and turning to look at him from his peripheral vision, his brow knit slightly. jinyoung doesn’t stop, continuing his path to the bathroom. he locks himself in and leans against the closed door when he arrives, weak-kneed. he struggles to capture the lingering memories of the dream dissolving like smoke in his mind, but they quickly dissipate like a fistful of sand in his fingers. all he can remember when he closes his eyes is the feeling of jaebum’s hand around his, warm, unplatonic.
he nearly falls asleep where he has sunk to the floor with his back against the door, still feeling inexplicably fatigued and sluggish even after his long and satisfying sleep.
ii.
“explain how this works to me.” he eagerly climbs into jaebum’s lap the second time he finds him in the same dream. he knows it’s the same dream because it just feels that way, and jaebum has that same look and shared memories in his eyes. it’s like a sequel of the books they exchange. he just recognises unmistakably that it’s picking up where they left off.
jaebum tightens his grip around his waist, and jinyoung relaxes blissfully against his sturdy shoulder. jaebum smells exactly the same in this dream as in real life, the scent of his cologne and body every bit as visceral. jinyoung could get lost in this. jaebum runs his fingers lightly over his ribs, as if playing a piano.
“remember when we talked about alternate universes?” jaebum’s voice is intoxicatingly deep beside his ear.
“mm.” jinyoung nods, listening to its vibrations from jaebum’s chest. apparently this jaebum shares the same memories of the real one.
“well… i guess you could say this is one of them.”
jinyoung turns around to stare at him, his hair catching on jaebum’s forehead. “i’m dreaming of an alternate universe? how is this possible?”
by this, of course, he means them being together. maybe he wanted it so much, he actually willed it into being in his subconscious.
“i’m not really sure of the detailed mechanics how this works, either.” jaebum’s voice is soft. “but i try not to question or think about it too much. i’m just thankful.”
jinyoung wants to ask more, his mind racing, but something about the quiet of jaebum’s bed where they are sitting silences the words on his tongue. does he really need to know how and why, when he can enjoy just being?
“i think i’m waking up.” he can hear the reluctance heavy in his own voice, his grip on jaebum’s fingers unconsciously tightening as if this can keep him here.
his eyelashes flutter.
a minute passes. “you’re still here,” jaebum whispers in his ear in wonder.
“i am.” he feels stupidly joyful, like a miracle just happened. maybe he can stay one more hour, one more day in this bed, in these arms.
“oh no. i’m really going.”
“don’t fight it. just relax. i’ll hold you till you wake up.”
jaebum’s promises curls like smoke in his ear, and vaporizes with the same elusiveness when he blinks open his eyes to his own empty bed.
“hyung.” yugyeom gives him a strange look when he staggers out of his room to find them starting dinner. “are you okay?”
“never been better.” he pastes on a dopey grin, wishing everyone would leave him alone until he can piece together the pitiably meagre remnants of his memories in his mind.
“really? because you look like you’re coming down with that flu bug or something.” bambam is less ceremonious, but an equal amount of concern is written on his face.
“rude.” jinyoung flicks his head lightly. “i just woke up and didn’t comb my hair, that’s why.”
“have you been sleeping all day?” mark asks, looking up at him too.
jinyoung nods, unsure why they look so surprised. it’s one of the rare days he doesn’t have schedules and most of them binge sleep in marathons when they have the chance anyway.
jaebum sets down the last pair of chopsticks and looks at him, studying him closely. but he doesn’t say anything, just beckons jinyoung to sit down. “let’s eat.”
iii.
this time, his chest swells with warmth when he wakes up. he remembers more. a few threads of the fading dream hover in his mind, waiting for him to grab ahold of them and weave them together.
but they vanish without a trace at the sight that greets him when he opens his eyes. his bed is dipped with another person’s weight, and jaebum — the real one — looks sheepish as jinyoung’s eyes widen up at him. jaebum looks good from below. too good to be jinyoung’s first sight after he wakes up.
his hand flies to his mouth, his eyes, checking for drool and eye gunk. he’s on the defense instantly, flustered. how long had jaebum been watching him sleep? how ugly had he looked sleeping? why does he even care, when jaebum has seen him sleeping any number of times?
“why are you in my room?” his voice sounds raspy, hoarse. he clears his throat and sits up so they’re at the same level.
jaebum looks pensive, hesitant. “i’m sorry. i knocked, but you were too fast asleep to hear it. i was worried because… i noticed you slept the day away again. and the kids have been telling me how listless and exhausted you’ve been all the time.”
“that’s why i was sleeping.” jinyoung’s tone is a little sharper than he intended.
“yes, but…” jaebum searches his face again. “you weren’t getting a good sleep, were you? i saw your eyes moving beneath your eyelids. was it… a nightmare?”
“no!” jinyoung nearly rolls his eyes; jaebum has no idea how far he is from the truth. “why, did you bring your freudian books in to analyze my dreams?”
he knows he’s being insolent, uncharacteristic, from the hurt that momentarily softens jaebum’s eyes. but he can’t help it — he feels frustrated at having forgotten what he remembered, cornered, and irritated. the others are right — he feels grouchy most of the time because of his severe exhaustion. the hours of dreaming seem to be taking a toll on him, but he would never trade them for the world. in fact, he craves more.
“i was just worried,” jaebum says again, eyes lowered to his bedspread, and his annoyance rises. it’s this very ambiguous, misleading warmth that makes him remember what he’s been trying to escape and forget for the longest time, because every time he thinks of it it still breaks his heart cleanly in half. the way jaebum knows he prefers guys, has sensed it long ago, but always acted in a way that hurt more than if he had been disgusted or spoke frankly about it. which is that he didn’t respond, didn’t react, just went on with his life as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
jinyoung knows this is the normal and polite way for anybody to act, that it’s unfair of him to expect acknowledgment of any sort — but he can’t help being unreasonable, can’t help wishing jaebum hadn’t just continued their brotherhood with that blase expression and brotherly smiles and pats on the back, friendly but distant words. because jaebum has to know that out of all the guys in jinyoung’s life, jaebum has always been special to him. always.
so jinyoung had let it go. he had done what he thought jaebum would wish him to do and stopped pining, stopped wishing for anything. he had killed the last hope in his heart. but now here jaebum is, maddeningly attractive, sitting on his bed just two inches away from him and speaking gently to jinyoung, looking caring and attainable and jinyoung is eighteen again, eighteen and helplessly in love.
he blames the dream.
iv.
“why do i always wake up in your bed?” jinyoung asks, heart floating out of his throat the moment he realises he’s dreaming again. jaebum is lying next to him in a shaft of sunlight, looking languid and lazily adoring.
jaebum laughs, a sound achingly deep. “because you’re here most of the time. don’t you like it?” he touches jinyoung’s nose with his index finger.
“i can’t get enough of it,” jinyoung says honestly. honesty is easy here, in this universe. he doesn’t need to lie or hide or steal any glances.
“jaebum hyung,” he murmurs.
“hmmm?” a familiar hand threads through his hair, stroking tenderly. eyes comb his face with longing.
“nothing.” jinyoung rolls over on his back, into the nest of jaebum’s arms. he buries his face in the familiar scent of jaebum’s chest. “i just wanted to say your name.”
he’s not surprised to see jaebum sitting stiffly by his side again when he wakes. he’s not touching jinyoung’s hair, or any part of his body and this is what tells jinyoung he is real.
“don’t you have better things to do than watch me sleep?” jinyoung doesn’t even bother to check his appearance anymore. he just rolls over and shoves his face into his pillow, and prays to see the latest dream playing on the backs of his eyelids like a movie.
“don’t be cheeky. you know that i have to take care of you as the leader.” jaebum’s tone is reproachful, superior to his ears, like a teacher ticking off a naughty child.
“right. as a leader.” his voice is almost too muffled by the pillow to hear, but jaebum knows it far too well to be confused.
“sit up,” he suddenly says after a moment of silence. “get up.”
before jinyoung knows it, strong hands are roughly pulling him up into a sitting position. he supports himself with one hand on the bedspread, swaying a little drowsily. he could go back to sleep again in a heartbeat if jaebum would just leave him alone.
“look at you,” jaebum says harshly. “you’re wasting away. have you been eating?”
“mm.” he hasn’t had much appetite or interest in food lately. but neither has he had the energy to go to the gym, so it should balance out. jaebum’s eyes running down his body are overly judgmental, in his opinion.
“tell me why you refuse to stop dreaming,” jaebum suddenly says, shocking him. one second ago jinyoung had thought he hadn’t a clue.
“tell me what you dream of.” jaebum pins him with his eyes when he doesn’t respond.
“jinyoung. i’m talking to you.” his voice turns stern, warning. his eyes are penetrating on jinyoung’s face and suddenly jinyoung can’t meet them.
“if i tell you, will you get out?"
the words are downright hurtful, but he doesn’t have the freedom to care. his eyelids are heavy and he just wants to sink back down into his pillows and sleep till the next morning. he doesn’t even want dinner and this is the only way jaebum won’t drag him out and force him to swallow a bowl of nauseating broth. he doesn’t even care how wounded jaebum looks. he deserves it, anyway, for being so nosy and not minding his own business.
jaebum’s adam’s apple bobs. “i will,” he says, voice disapproving and cold.
jinyoung wants to spite him, to make him flinch.
“i dream of the person i love. in my dream, he loves me back.”
jaebum doesn’t flinch at the he. he flinches at the person i love.
“who?” he spits out the word after what seems a lifetime.
“it doesn’t concern you,” jinyoung says, wanting to smile smugly but not having the strength to. “now keep your word and leave.” the words are more weary than cutting. he gets the feeling jaebum is trying to goad him to be his usual snide, snarky self by being provocative. too bad such passive-aggressive methods won’t work on him.
“it does. i’m your leader,” jaebum drops the word again. jinyoung can’t help snorting, staring at the ceiling.
jaebum glares at him, looking frustrated and impatient as if he wants to shake jinyoung but is afraid he will break him. jinyoung wonders how fragile he looks exactly.
jaebum doesn’t stop staring at him expectantly even after he closes his eyes, so he mumbles the first thing that comes to mind. “i’m not allowed to. it’ll put me in danger."
it’s an unscrupulous lie, but not the first he would have told between them. jaebum doesn’t know the only thing in danger is his pride, but he doesn’t know many things.
“do you still want to know?” he opens his eyes, able to smirk a little this time. he can see jaebum’s eyes widened, losing his composure, and feels triumphant. “okay, it’s —“
“no.” jaebum’s hand is on his lips, warm and callused. an unintentional kiss. jinyoung freezes.
“don’t tell me.” jaebum forces the words out, looking pained.
“can i ask mark to bring dinner up for you?” he asks quietly at the door, looking back at jinyoung sprawled on the bed, a mess of unruly limbs.
jinyoung opens one eye, already half back in a dreamless sleep this time. “no thanks.”
jaebum’s jaw sets, and he closes the door with a soft slam.
v.
“what do you do when i’m not around?” jinyoung asks, lying beneath jaebum, caged between his arms with his heart pounding out of his bare chest against jinyoung’s naked torso. jaebum is so afraid to crush him with his weight, but jinyoung feels protected like that. he feels real.
jaebum smiles, eyes darker than he’s ever seen them as they look down at him with so much affection he can’t breathe for a moment.
“i wait for you to come home.”
“is this home?” jinyoung asks, looking around in wonder. the sky outside their window is heaven blue. time never seems to pass in this world, or if it does it passes unnoticeably slowly. like treacle, like a slow ballad. he always catches jaebum between practices and schedules, in those in-between moments that are so elusive and pass too quickly to grasp in real life. he’s not surprised — after all, dreams are the moments we yearn for most subconsciously.
jaebum doesn’t answer, just noses into his neck and sucks an impossibly gentle hickey there. the pain is exquisite pleasure, and jinyoung already knows from experience that when he wakes up it will be gone. a dream hickey is invisible in the real world. he wants jaebum to mark him all over, to leave possessive traces of himself all over jinyoung’s body, like tattoos. indelible.
“i want you,” jaebum says when he rears back up again over jinyoung, his eyes fierce and intense and filled with unabashed lust.
“take me,” jinyoung pulls him down, whispering deliriously. his nails rake down jaebum’s back, drawing hisses. “i’m all yours.”
“whoa!” jackson does a double take when he happens upon jinyoung on the couch. he hasn’t been back in a week but as usual, his dramatics are ever-present.
“don’t overreact.” jinyoung doesn’t even bother to look up from where he’s writing in his notepad and chewing nervously on the end of his pen. it’s the first time he’s been inspired to write lyrics in a drought and it’s all because of jaebum. dream-jaebum, he means.
“seriously, dude. i thought i saw a ghost. have you been overworking yourself again?”
jackson easily overworks the most among all of them but he knows lately jinyoung has his drama filming commitments. he’s noticed the stylists have been caking on more and more makeup to hide his dark eye bags.
“you look very handsome too.” jinyoung finally looks up at him, voice heavy with sarcasm. he waves a floppy hand. “don’t bother me, and just go find mark hyung. i know you guys are like the cowherd and the weaver nowadays.”
“what?” jackson looks at him funny, head tilted, with just the slightest pinkening of his ears. jinyoung realises himself, that he’s mixed up the two worlds again. his heart races and he hugs the notepad to his chest. he’ll have to be more careful in future, or the other six will be suspecting more is up than they already are.
“nothing. shoo,” he says again, trying to keep his voice steady.
“okaaay,” jackson drawls out, keeping his eyes on him as he backs out of the room, sure to go and get the dirt from mark in a minute.
he should probably feel less relieved and more worried about his appearance after jackson leaves the room. but he can’t bring himself to care. it was too depressing to look into mirrors after the first few weeks so he stopped some time ago, just quickly finishing his business avoiding glancing at the mirror and nicking himself shaving more than once.
the few glimpses he caught of himself didn’t look like himself. he looked unhealthy, sallow and gaunt, as the others had said. he had long said bye-bye to his newly unblemished skin.
he hears jackson bumping into jaebum in the hallway outside mark’s room. they converse in low voices, most likely about him. he doesn’t hear most of it, only a couple of words in jaebum’s voice raised in agitation at the end.
“… he’s incorrigible, hopeless.”
the words are harsh, but jinyoung can hear the worry plain behind them. jaebum himself is starting to look worn out from his leaderly duties, because of jinyoung. how ironic that he has become the resident troublemaker, jaebum’s pet project at the time he wants it least.
despite his strong words, jaebum pushes his door open again later on, when he has retired his songwriting and retreated to bed again. the room is dim, encouraging slumber. he’s about to drift off when jaebum’s entrance startles him awake. jaebum looks grimly pleased that he managed to interrupt one opportunity for sleep for him.
“tell me about your dream,” jaebum murmurs, voice hypnotic and solicitous. “i know you can’t tell me who you — love, but tell me everything you can about the world you dream of.”
jinyoung is not stupid enough to not see through his trick transparently — jaebum is trying to distract him, keep him in this world for as long as possible. but he can’t tie jinyoung here if he doesn’t want to stay.
he takes pity on jaebum today, though, and throws him a bone.
“it’s exactly the same as this world… the only difference is that he’s in love with me.”
vi.
“let me,” jaebum says gently, when the moment jinyoung gasps awake — asleep — he reaches down and fumbles to undo his belt buckle, as if he’s making up for lost time, as if he wants to make the most of all their time together.
“let me take care of you. let me take all your cares away.”
jaebum’s body is home, and jinyoung feels so blissful to be able to finally relax back into his touches and warm caresses. jaebum’s tongue fills his mouth, drives out all wild thoughts. he pushes himself inside jinyoung ever so gently.
“are you all right? am i hurting you?”
“no. harder. more.” jinyoung wraps his legs around jaebum’s hips tighter, only momentarily sorry to make him strain his back. he wishes jaebum will hurt him in a way he can still feel when he awakes. but, he knows, the hot hardness filling him up, driving him into the mattress, will disintegrate like sea foam into mist the moment he falls out of this world.
“go away,” he mutters when he hears a knock on his room door, assuming it’s jaebum.
the door creaks open hesitantly anyway and he’s poised to throw a pillow at the offending person when he realises it’s sweet youngjae. he quickly drops the pillow and feels a pang of guilt at youngjae’s injured and bewildered look.
“sorry, hyung — but did you forget we made a date to work on our composition together today?”
“ugh. yeah, i forgot. sorry, jae. i’ll be just a moment.” he knows it would be too much to miss one of youngjae’s precious trips back to the dorm to work on their projects together, no matter how tired and burnt out he feels.
“if you’re not feeling well, it’s okay…”
“i’m fine. just… give me five minutes. you can get started first.” he tries to smile but it must come out forced because youngjae grimaces uncertainly.
“okay.” he obediently totters out of the room. jinyoung hauls himself upright and rubs the gunk out of his eyes. he feels bloated, engorged with sleep, but at the same time severely deprived.
jaebum slips into the room without knocking after a few moments. jinyoung looks up, baffled.
“youngjae told me you look rough,” he explains.
“yes, i know i look like shit, everyone’s been telling me,” jinyoung tries to joke, laughing it off. jaebum is by his side in an instant as he weakly swings his legs off the bed and wobbles a little to his feet.
“are you okay?” jinyoung has heard the question from all six of the other boys now, but in jaebum’s voice it somehow sounds achingly different. he wants to lean against jaebum’s shoulder, melt into him. he has to remind himself that this isn’t his dreamscape.
“i can work on his stuff with him if you don’t feel up to it today.” jaebum’s voice is calm, warm today. it makes jinyoung want to dissolve.
“i’m fine.” he manages to stand on his own after a discombobulated minute. “thanks.”
“just for thirty minutes, tops,” jaebum warns in his leader voice. “after that i need to talk to you.”
jinyoung’s heart sinks, the six words never boding any good especially recently from jaebum’s mouth.
still, for some reason, while writing the lyrics, he finds his mind flickering to the arranged meeting afterward, away from jaebum’s dream self. he doesn’t know why he’s looking forward to it, just a little.
it’s jaebum’s concern, his worry. it’s so convincing — something one could get used to. even addicted.
he should’ve known better than to expect anything less than a wet blanket, rain on his parade.
“you know it’s not real, right? nothing in your dream is real. no one is. it’s just a dream.” jaebum enunciates his final sentence clearly, aware of the blow he’s delivering. cruelly, he doesn’t even flinch.
“i don’t care,” jinyoung fires back, wanting to hurt him, wanting to claw at him for destroying his mirage, the shimmer on the horizon. “it’s real to me. what do you know about real?” he sniggers contemptuously. “if i say it’s real, it’s real.”
“jinyoung-ah.” jaebum sounds suddenly tired, pleading. “why can’t you just stop dreaming? why can’t you just leave that place and sleep normally?”
“i’m not strong like you, hyung. i’m not — heartless. i can’t just leave the person i love alone in that world. anyway, what is there for me here? i’m so happy there, jaebum hyung. can’t you see that? don’t you want me to be happy?”
“of course i want you to be happy.” jaebum’s voice is quiet. “but jinyoung — it’s… it’s draining you! it’s sapping you of your life force."
he falls silent abruptly, breathing hard. his face is flushed, looking embarrassed and angry. jinyoung knows how he feels, how he is reeling from how ridiculous his own words sound. jaebum has never voiced out the direct link between the impact and his dreams and the physical wreckage of his body because it just sounds horribly unscientific, said out loud. neither of them are superstitious and this is crazy stuff, the stuff of the unrealistic horror movies they used to laugh at together.
“you’re being absurd,” jinyoung points out reasonably. jaebum’s teeth are gritted, his fingers clenched in jinyoung’s sheet. he looks helpless, hopelessly young, watching jinyoung like he’s slipping away. “it’s just dreaming. dreaming isn’t bad for the health.”
“it’s not just —“ jaebum starts, but the words lodge in his throat and he slams an unexpected fist onto jinyoung’s wall.
jinyoung’s heart is hammering in his throat. jaebum looks ready to jump through hoops of fire if it will rescue him permanently from his dreams. he’s never seen jaebum this intense about anything before.
“i’m tired.” he curls up, hides his trembling beneath the sheets. “could you close the door on your way out?”
vii.
“you’re so nice.” jinyoung can’t help reaching out to wistfully caress dream-jaebum’s cheek, feeling its wondrous silken texture beneath his fingertips. jaebum leans into his touch unresistingly, closing his eyes in contentment. “so gentle.”
“isn’t he?”
jaebum opens his eyes, contemplative and keen on jinyoung. he already knows who is on jinyoung’s mind. he knows everything without jinyoung telling him. he’s almost too good to be true — jinyoung stops, banishing jaebum’s voice from his head.
there is an overwhelming amount of proof that this jaebum is realer than real, as human as he is. jinyoung could never, ever manage to conjure up the things he does, the things he says. the way he looks at jinyoung. no — that’s all jaebum.
he’s the jaebum jinyoung trusts unconditionally.
also, he’s so, breathtakingly kind. again and again, he reminds jinyoung that he can wake up anytime he wants. and jinyoung has tried and tested this. he has woken up on his own, spontaneously, just by willing it. it was effortless. after that, he tried to stay as long as he could, instead of leaving. between their schedules and rehearsals and his solo work, there is far too little time to indulge in dreaming. jinyoung can’t even imagine how he will manage to visit jaebum in their universe when comeback promotions begin.
jaebum here always puts jinyoung unfailingly before himself. it’s something jinyoung can sense in his bones, and that’s why he feels so safe with him.
jaebum is busy kissing him all over his body, slowly, worshipfully. like they have all the time in the world, like jinyoung is a decadent buffet spread out for his consumption. jaebum’s wolfish gaze alone devours him whole.
he raises himself up from between jinyoung’s legs, looking magnificently beautiful. jinyoung gasps, tugging at his hair.
“forgive him,” jaebum says beseechingly, smiling that painfully dear smile. “he doesn’t know any better.”
jinyoung makes an animal sound, a keen, as jaebum carefully takes him into his mouth. he looks up at jinyoung through his eyelashes, cheeks hollowing above his fingers.
jinyoung’s thighs quake. he shudders as jaebum tightens his grip on his hipbones, wordlessly drawing out an answer to his plea.
“i will.”
“what can i do to entice you to stay?” jaebum sounds desperate, at his wits end. he’s there when jinyoung wakes up, shaking him awake. jinyoung wants to flare up, but jaebum beats him to the punch with his urgent question. jinyoung wonders how he looks when he’s dreaming, if he looks as wild as jaebum does now, running a hand through his hair.
kiss me like it’s a lie.
the words resonate in jinyoung’s head, unbidden, making his breath catch in his throat. why would he hunger for this jaebum’s touch, when he has the other? when that world is as real as this one of artifice, even realer in some ways? why would he want hot-tempered, unreasonable, real jaebum to kiss him till he explodes, like it’s their last night on earth?
all he knows is that he can’t say the words. and that he’s even more hopelessly screwed than ever. how is he expected not to be crazy in love with this man, when he’s seeing him in both his sleep and waking hours?
he pushes past jaebum, out of bed and his room. he accidentally bumps into mark outside, dazedly not watching his way. mark catches him steadily, looking quietly concerned. jinyoung feels himself sag under one of his closest friends' kind scrutiny.
in a moment of brash impulse, heart still racing unevenly from his flight from jaebum, he blurts out everything, including the person he loves in the dream. he trusts mark with his life, and all his secrets. mark listens silently and attentively, all he needs.
“you know, you’re with jackson in my dream,” jinyoung adds as an afterthought. mark stares at him, eyes wide, so he clarifies, “together.”
he can’t describe the look on mark’s face, or say whether it’s more shocked, amused or wistful. mark’s eyes are far away and soft.
“wouldn’t you like to be in my dream too? everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. wait, that’s a slaughterhouse five quote, right?” jinyoung is blabbering nervously, afraid he revealed too much, afraid he jinxed it.
mark looks at him thoughtfully and smiles, touching his knee. “i don’t know,” he says gently. “i haven’t read it. and… yes, your dream does sound appealing. but i think if i were actually in it, i wouldn’t be able to believe it, you know? it’s not… i don’t know… not realistic enough.”
he drifts out of the living room, passing jaebum standing there.
“does real mean pain? can’t it be real if it doesn’t hurt?”
jaebum looks at him, as if trying to remain patient. his voice is suddenly, inexplicably hard. “we’ve had this existential debate before, jinyoung.”
have they? reality is blurring.
“it’s okay, i’ll ask him.” jinyoung smiles mildly and continues floating to his room, not looking back.
viii.
“you’re not a figment of my imagination, are you?” the words slip from his mouth because he’s too relaxed, his lips too loosened from jaebum’s ravenous mouth and his disarming, generous warmth.
jaebum chuckles, taking his hand and placing it on his chest. “feel it? this is as real as it gets.” his heartbeat thumps an irregular, heated tattoo under jinyoung’s hand.
jinyoung feels sorry for asking, for even doubting for one second. of course it’s jaebum. he’d be able to recognize him anywhere. there’s only one person in the world who can mess up jinyoung’s equilibrium like this. and he can’t even be mad, because it’s jaebum.
“you told mark, didn’t you? you told him more than me,” jaebum demands, voice low with rage and betrayal. he’s standing over jinyoung and shaking him rudely out of his sweet fantasy.
jinyoung blinks back to earth, the fog clearing from his mind. is this why jaebum has been belligerent and sulky since the day he talked to mark, skulking around being short and impatient with everyone, dancing like he wants to run his body to the ground? he hadn’t known jaebum had eavesdropped on their conversation. cold fear runs down his spine, but apparently jaebum is still obliviously unaware he’s the star feature in jinyoung’s dreams.
“are you jealous?” he sneers, bitterness getting the better of him. “you’re so selfish, jaebum hyung.” his eyes prickle and he blinks hard.
“me? selfish? you’re the selfish one! how could you insist on staying with that — that guy you love when it’s tearing you apart like this? how could you not care about our feelings? are you bent on driving me out of my mind?”
“hyung.” jinyoung sits up, studying him thoughtfully. “i know you’ve dated and fucked… but you’ve never been in love before, have you?” his question is rhetorical, mocking. jaebum flushes at his crude language.
“i have,” he says, voice ice.
“oh?” jinyoung just lets his meaningful question linger in the air between them, his eyes challenging.
ix.
for the first time, he dreams of them when they are performing. they’re at another ubiquitous schedule, doing the choreography already programmed into their muscle memory, and jinyoung feels energetic and filled with vigour as he always does in their dreamscape.
still, jaebum hovers around him, finding excuses to touch him with a brush or a graze of the arm every time they pass each other, shooting him private grins filled with amusement at jokes only they find funny.
it’s everything.
they don’t get to indulge in intimacy this time, or even any more than friendly touches, but jinyoung rests secure in the knowledge that they are together, in a way that is not platonic at all. the difference in jaebum’s gaze in the two worlds are obvious as night and day — blank and detached in the real world and burning with desire in his dream; insatiable in his dream but the same appetite devoted to different things in the real world.
then there’s pain, agonizing, sobering, piercing pain like a bucket of ice water dunked over his head — and he wakes up. he’s on the cold hard floor of the dorm and there’s an alarming amount of blood, mostly from his nose, and the fuss bambam makes wakes everyone up and suddenly jaebum is at his side, eyes frantic and stricken, entirely soft.
“you walked into a wall,” jinyoung hears him saying, and he’s confused not because of the dizziness but because jaebum is sweeping his bangs out of his eyes with a gentle hand, stroking his hair with shaking fingers.
“you’re okay,” the jaebum who he doesn’t know is real or not is murmuring by his ear, cradling him to his chest.
when he wakes up, he’s back in his bedroom again. jaebum is pacing the room, rushing to kneel at his side the moment he stirs.
“what happened?” he feels like he just woke up from another long dream. his head barely hurts anymore, his nose cleaned up.
“you were sleepwalking.” jaebum’s voice is tentative, like he’s walking on eggshells.
“did i…?” his hands reach up to touch his nose gingerly, feel his face.
“no.” a small smile creeps onto jaebum’s face, reading him like a book as usual. “your pretty face is intact, don’t worry.”
jaebum thinks he’s pretty?
his bed dips under a familiar weight, so familiar it feels almost homely now. “i just don’t understand why you would risk your life for this person.” his voice is terse, eyes uncomprehending. he looks as tired as if he were the jaebum running in and out of jinyoung’s dreams, but jinyoung knows he isn’t. “is he that important to you?”
“it’s perfect.” jinyoung closes his eyes, voice a sandpapery murmur. “my dream is perfect.”
“but jinyoung-ah,” jaebum’s voice calls him back from where he’s drifting. it’s marvellously gentle when he closes his eyes like this. “nothing in this world, our world, is perfect. least of all love.”
ix.
for the first time, jinyoung can’t sleep. his mind is swimming with jaebum’s words, his stupid fake wisdom and know-it-all smartass airs. jaebum has no idea. jinyoung is suddenly afraid, afraid he won’t be able to see the other jaebum again.
he remembers they have a bottle of sleeping pills in their medicine closet. he finds his way there, with all intention to self-medicate himself into jaebum’s world tonight if he has to.
jaebum barges into his room just as he’s about to pop the single pill into his mouth. his eyes widen, eyebrows rushing down, and jinyoung suddenly becomes aware that it looks like he’s planning on taking more than one.
“you misunderstood —“ he starts, but jaebum is sweeping towards him and snatching the bottle out of his hands, a few pills rattling to the floor. jinyoung is suddenly irate.
“you have no right,” he hisses, still considerate at this point of not waking the others up, “it’s my life, my body. you’re no one to me, to tell me what to do. anyway, don’t you find it ironic how this is the first thing i did that got your attention in five years? why do you care so much, anyway?”
jaebum looks at him for a long time, face seeming frozen in stone. then his expression slackens, and he says quietly, “you have my attention all the time. i’ve been asking myself that question since you started this dreaming thing too — why i can’t get over it, why it pisses me off so much than if it were any other of the kids, any other person in the world. and you’re right; it’s your life and your body and i’m nobody to you, but jinyoung, i want to be somebody! and i will be somebody. i don’t give a fuck about that bastard in your dream, i’m keeping you here with me from now on and never letting you go back to him, here or there. i will be everybody to you from now on. i will be everything.”
unconsciously, his voice has risen, to a level that is in danger of drawing the others to check out his room. jaebum’s eyes are blazing, so uncannily similar to his dream self that jinyoung experiences deja vu for awhile. jaebum is breathing hard, towering over him authoritatively, not touching him but seeming to be holding every muscle of his body back from wrenching jinyoung into his arms.
“you asked me if i was jealous,” jaebum says hoarsely. “yes, i am, of the man of your dreams, of mark, of everybody that you’ve been looking at in the last few months who isn’t me.”
jinyoung is speechless, trembling. he must be dreaming and doesn’t know it. dream jaebum must be playing some sort of joke on him. this can’t be true. it’s his dream —
x.
he doesn’t know which one of them surges forward and closes the remaining few inches of space between them, but suddenly they’re kissing and he doesn’t really care if this is the dream anymore because it feels so unbelievably glorious and pleasurable and real.
he paws at jaebum’s shirt, grabbing fistfuls and pullng him down on top of him. jaebum braces his arm so he won’t land too heavily on top of him, and then they cram together in his bed continuing kissing and petting and frotting like horny teenagers until they both fall asleep, the pills and bottle still scattered on the floor.
and this time, he dreams. he dreams with an effortlessness that tells him this will be the final time.
“this is where our intersection ends. our parallel universes have stopped converging,” dream-jaebum explains to him, eyes eloquent with volmes of tenderness.
“but why? how?” once again, jinyoung feels that helpless sensation of trying to grasp a fistful of sand. he knows it's spoilt and greedy, but he can't help wanting to keep this jaebum too. he clings to jaebum like a barnacle to a rock, knowing the tighter he holds the quicker he will trickle away.
jaebum smiles understandingly, comforting. “we weren’t even supposed to meet in the first place. we belong to different worlds. i think it was because we both wanted it and wished for it so much, that the impossible happened.”
“but i didn’t even know i was wishing.”
“those are the most powerful and purest kinds of wishes.”
“but… what will you do when i leave?”
“i’m not sure, but i’m not afraid either. love will find a way.”
“can’t i be the one to be left behind for once?”
“no. this is my selfisness, that i always have to be the one to sacrifice myself for you. more than anything in the world, i love being your hero.”
“is the other you in my world… you?”
“he’s the better half of me.”
“how can you say that? you’re obviously the better half!”
“you’ll see.”
“hyung… i’m fading.”
“take care of yourself. and jinyoung-ah, always remember… no matter what universe we’re in, what i want most is for you to be happy.”
xi.
“come back to me.”