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Noel took a deep breath in and pushed it out as a sigh when Julian stopped the car. As the older man had promised, the concrete rectangle was flat, large and most importantly entirely empty - a relic from when a large supermarket had occupied the now-demolished building. It was the perfect place to learn the foundations of driving without having to worry about other road users, and yet he had hoped that Julian’s memory had been wrong. Suddenly, it was all too real.
“Ju…” he began, wringing his hands in his lap, and his best friend turned to him and smiled softly in response.
“Hey, little man,” he began, using the fond nickname that he reserved for when his lighter-haired companion was in need of comfort or reassurance, “You’ll be fine, honestly. I’ll be by your side the whole time, and you can stop whenever you want.” He cocked his head to one side, hating seeing his friend so nervous, before reaching out to fondly ruffle Noel’s sandy mane.
Noel looked up at Julian, a nervous smile playing on his lips and blue eyes wide with worry, and nodded. He wiped his clammy palms on his drainpipes before reaching for the door handle and opening the car door wide. Julian followed suit, leaving the ignition on as he stepped out into the dreary November afternoon.
At the sight of the smaller man stood in front of him, worrying with the sleeves of his jacket and made even smaller by the hunch of anxiety, Julian couldn’t help but pull him into a hug. He let Noel burrow into his chest as he wrapped his strong arms around his shoulders, before resting his head atop of Noel’s.
They stayed like that for a moment that could have lasted seconds or hours, Noel counting the rhythmic and reassuring beat of Julian’s heart under his breath, before he took a small step back. Julian’s eyes were so expressive: they could sparkle with mirth at a shared joke, or light up with euphoria after a gig had gone well; they could be dark and brooding when he was deep in one of his moods, or shy and anxious when he was pushed to do something outside of his comfort zone; or they could be kind and open and comforting as they were now. Noel just wanted to melt back into his embrace, to make the moment last forever, to try and take something that he couldn’t have.
But he wasn’t stupid - the comedy was going fantastically, better than either of them had dared imagine - and he didn’t want to ruin it by revealing feelings he wasn’t even sure he meant. He had loved loads of people, or at least he thought it had been love, and all of them had faded to insignificance within a few months. He couldn’t let that happen to them. Noel needed him.
Snapping out of his reverie, he blinked a few times before stepping past Julian and collapsing into the driver’s seat, closing the door behind him. He was here to learn to drive, after all, not spend the entire day fawning over his best friend like an obsessed teenager. A few seconds later, Julian folded himself into the passenger seat, immediately reaching for the handle to let the chair slip back so he had more legroom before reaching for his seatbelt and gesturing for Noel to do the same. Noel complied, before reaching for the handle to adjust his own seat’s position. To move the chair forward, he had to pull himself and the seat closer to the steering wheel, which was easier said than done. Julian noticed his plight, though, and reached out with strong arms to help. Together, they managed it with very little fuss, and soon Noel was sat in a comfortable place, hands betraying his apprehension as they drummed against his thighs.
“So,” Julian began, glancing briefly at the grey clouds that were rolling in on the brisk Northern breeze, before explaining the correct positions for all of the mirrors and helping Noel to adjust them. When they both reached for the rear-view mirror their hands touched, the unexpected contact like electricity, even though this was by no means a rare occurrence. It was just that, this time, it felt different. They both looked away simultaneously, staring out of their respective windows for a moment before Noel broke the silence with a little cough and reached back up to adjust the mirror himself.
Julian patiently explained how the clutch pedal worked, talking Noel through the gears and the approximate speeds that you should change up and down, before reassuring his wide blue eyes that they wouldn’t get anywhere near fifth on this occasion. Maybe next time, he joked, although his partner-in-crime’s response was feeble. Julian was reminded of being taught to drive by his father, on Sunday mornings while his mother had the house to herself in order to clean and prepare their lunch, when the shops were closed and their car parks quiet. He remembered practising his bay parking in this very car park, finally mastering it on a wet and windy day not dissimilar to the way that this one looked as if it might turn out.
After much reassurance, Noel was ready to put the little car into gear and find the biting point. Julian pointed out the moment where the pitch of the engine changed and the car moved forward a little, and then got Noel to try and identify it himself until he could do it with his eyes closed. The London boy reached for the handbrake, before lifting it as he raised the clutch ever so slowly and they began to roll forward. Almost immediately, he moved his right foot over the brake, slowing them to a halt which gave Julian the giggles and which earned him a glare, a silent instruction to remain serious.
Once Julian had calmed down enough to keep a straight face, Noel moved off again, this time tentatively testing out the accelerator. He seemed surprised that the car sped up, and Julian had to bite his lower lip to stop himself losing his composure again as the younger man concentrated on the ‘road’ ahead. He settled at about eleven miles an hour as they approached the first ‘corner’ - it was just a cone placed about fifteen metres from the car park’s fence - and he swung the little car around it deftly, ensuring he didn’t touch the cone on his way past.
Once he was safely on the straight, he looked to Julian for some praise or reassurance, or any indication that he was doing okay, but the older man’s eyes were glued to the road. Rolling his eyes in a manner that might've been a little too exaggerated, he didn’t notice the next corner coming up fast - perhaps he’d spent longer studying Julian’s profile than he’d care to admit - and he blushed a deep pink as the older man had to grab the wheel and turn the car himself to avoid them getting too closely acquainted with the fence. Mortified that he’d allowed himself to get so distracted, and worrying how that would affect Julian's opinion of him, he pressed the brake to bring them gently to a halt. But, in his haste, he’d forgotten to depress the clutch and so they came to a shuddering stop as the car stalled.
Noel closed his eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm his racing heart. He lifted his hands from the wheel in surrender, feeling overwhelmed by everything that he was expected to be doing and thinking and watching all at once, and wondering how Julian was still sitting calmly beside him and not running for the hills. His eyes were still firmly closed when he felt a comforting arm reach around his shoulders and a large hand grip his own shaking pair.
“I’m sorry, Ju,” he began, voice tiny and scared, “I can’t do it, I just can’t.”
“That’s nonsense,” Julian said after a pause, his voice deep and soothing, “You’re absolutely fine.” He started to rub calming circles on Noel’s back, trying to get him to relax and to stop his hands from shaking. “If you want to take a break, we can,” he offered, giving the younger man the opportunity to back out and calm down before trying again. But Noel shook his head and leaned towards the other man until his head rested, somewhat awkwardly, against the broad plane of his chest.
“I’ll be fine,” he whispered, echoing Julian’s soothing tones, “I am absolutely fine.”
Julian let him relax for a few moments, but he could sense that if he let Noel ignore the task at hand for too long, they'd never get started again. With regret, he released Noel's hands and gently pushed his shoulders away, back against his own seat.
"You ready to have another go?" he asked, a little smile of reassurance gracing his features, before pointing to the keys in the ignition. "Arnold's ready when you are." His smile broadened at the unusual nickname for the car; despite Julian's protestations that cars, as boats, were usually given feminine names, Noel had insisted that the car would be called Arnold and had refused to shift on the issue.
Noel flashed him a grin before turning the keys in the ignition and listening to the car come to life. Julian was glad to see him looking less terrified than before as he slipped the car into gear and found the biting point, even managing to run one hand through his hair as he lifted the handbrake with the other. Although it wasn't entirely safe practice to take your hands off the wheel, it suggested a confidence Julian was glad his student had found from somewhere - he'd been beginning to wonder for how much longer he could keep up this gentle and patient demeanour.
Noel's trepidation returned when Julian suggested they use a little more gas and change up into second, as they began the longest side of the car park, looking to Julian briefly for confirmation before setting his eyes back onto the road. He reached for the gear stick, delicate fingers wrapping around it as he pulled it out of gear, before hesitating. He could not remember where second gear was, and yet every moment that passed he was slowing down a little - soon he would be travelling too slowly to move up into second. He began to panic, but Julian must've seen something change in his body because all of a sudden he was there, large hand covering Noel's on the gear stick and giving it an encouraging squeeze as he guided it into the right place for second gear. Noel breathed a sigh of relief that the situation had been salvaged and prepared himself for the next corner, not allowing himself to think about Julian's hand on his and instead filing the thoughts away for later. For now, he needed to concentrate.
---
They’d been driving for nearly ninety minutes, Noel growing more confident with every one that passed, when Julian motioned that they should pull over at the edge of the car park. They smoothly drifted to a stop before Noel let out a sigh and pulled up the handbrake.
“Ju, that was fucking terrifying,” he began, taking his seatbelt off and slumping in his seat before running both hands through his dirty blonde locks. “I don’t know how you manage to entertain me at the same time - you must be a wizard or something.” He grinned at his best friend, and Julian suddenly began to chuckle while reaching for the door handle.
“I don’t know about you,” he started when he’d regained his composure, “but I could consume a small equine mammal.” Without waiting for confirmation from Noel, he reached back to a blanket-wrapped package that had been resting on the back seat of the car, and pulled it into his lap. “Fancy a picnic?”
Noel’s face lit up at the sight of the abundance of blankets, a grin spreading from ear to ear. “You’re a genius, Ju! We can build a fort to stay out of the rain and we can pretend that we’re the only people left in the world and…” he trailed off as he threw the car door wide and leapt out of his seat into the drizzle. “What’chu waiting for?” he asked as he spun on his heel and felt his jacket balloon out around him before skipping around Arnold’s bonnet, still smiling broadly. His eyes sparkled with excitement as Julian got out of the car at a more conventional pace, and he practically snatched the package from his hands in his eagerness.
“Whoa there, tiger,” Julian cautioned, before helping the younger man to unwrap the blankets from around the basket of food. “How are we going to make this fort, then?”
But he got no answer from Noel, who had grabbed one of the blankets and wrapped it around his head like a nun, before running off towards the corner of the car park. Julian wondered where he was going, but knew better than to question him, so instead he opened Arnold’s back door and perched in the dry to rummage through the picnic basket.
When Noel returned, surprisingly quickly and more than a little out of breath, he was burdened with two of the orange traffic cones and had collected some stones in a pouch he’d made from one corner of the blanket. His nose and cheeks were flushed pink from the cold, and his eyes still sparkled with the same excitement as before. Julian stood up and reached out to grab the cones.
“Where are these going, then?” he asked, in awe of the younger man’s creativity and innocence. In so many ways, he was just like a child; untarnished by the world. Noel pointed to two spots on the floor about two metres from the car’s side and proceeded to lay a blanket along the edge of the car’s roof, securing it by placing stones along the edge. Julian watched in awe as a shelter started to take shape, supported by the car on one short side, and traffic cones on the other. Noel laid a second blanket over the wet gravel of the car park, and a third became a windbreak for one side of the roof to stop the drizzle from blowing in.
He looked up through his lashes at the older man when he was done, as if seeking reassurance. The blanket that was still wrapped around his head made it look as though he was begging, and Julian found himself becoming transfixed by those big blue eyes. Blinking to bring himself back to the present, he said the first thing that came into his mind.
“Would you like a pie?” he offered, opening the top of the picnic basket as if that had been his intention all along.
“No!” Noel scoffed as if his plan was obvious, shaking his head and grabbing Julian’s sleeve to pull him under the shelter. “We need to put the other wall up first.”
So they began the complex task of trying to secure the blanket from the inside, trying to balance stones so that they wouldn’t slip off when they let go of the tartan-patterned material. Eventually, they managed it, and were able to admire Noel’s handiwork. It was definitely cozy and dry, but the thick material of the blankets cut out most of the light so that they were sitting in near darkness. Julian voiced his concern that soon they wouldn’t be able to see anything, and Noel surprised him again by grabbing a torch out of his satchel that lay on the back seat, before settling down against Arnold’s door and motioning for Julian to sit next to him.
When they were both settled, Noel reached for the basket and fished around until he found the beer, before passing one to Julian and opening his own with the car keys that he’d pocketed. Julian obviously hadn’t noticed - he looked surprised that they weren’t in his own pocket - but he was swift to take them back as soon as Noel had opened his beer.
“Cheers!” he said with a grin as they clinked bottles, before taking a large swig. He paid a little too much attention to the curve of Noel’s lips as he drank, letting his eyes linger on the younger man’s face in the half-light of the den. Noel’s words from earlier came back to him - ‘we can pretend we’re the last people in the world’ - and he wondered what he had meant by that. What would they do, he wondered, if they were the last two people in the world? Weren’t the last two people supposed to repopulate the entire world with a race of inbreds? Julian began to panic. His mind was drawn back to that moment in the car, when they had both reached for the mirror together… what had it meant? It had felt different, that was for sure, but he had no idea why. His mind spun, and he began to feel sick.
“Ju? Julian?” Noel called, snapping the older man out of his trance-like state and bringing him back to reality, “Were you even listening to anything I just said?” He rolled his eyes, like a petulant teenager, before grinning. “This is absolutely genius, Ju - thanks for bringing all this.” He seemed unaware of the tension Julian felt, happily existing in his own bubble where everything was business as usual. But Julian remembered that moment, in the car, when he’d felt Noel’s gaze burning into his face and they’d missed the corner. Hadn’t that been different, too?
Julian reached out for the picnic basket with a trembling hand that he hoped Noel didn't notice. He rested the wicker on his thighs and pushed his palms into the weaved sides, trying to force himself back into reality and out of his thoughts, before offering Noel a pork pie. This time, he was happy to indulge, and they filled their plates together with the odd assortment of foods that Julian had brought. There were tiny finger sandwiches with the crusts meticulously removed, pork pies, an apple and a banana and a packet of chocolate digestives hiding beneath the lid of the basket, but none of them got the same reaction as the bowl of strawberry jelly that Noel discovered at the very bottom. He squeaked with joy and wrapped his arms around Julian's neck at the sight of it, beaming. It was his absolute favourite, he had told Julian on several occasions, and so, of course, Julian had made sure to make some the night before, even if everything else had come from Sainsbury's.
He had to fight his way out of Noel's embrace, removing his plate and the basket from the war-zone with one hand and batting at the over affectionate blonde with the other, but that only caused them both to burst out laughing. Soon, Julian changed tack, reaching out for Noel's sides with both hands and beginning to tickle him. Noel shrieked again, and this time it was him trying to escape as the older man remained merciless in his attack. He tried to wriggle free, writhing in his grasp, but only succeeded in ridding himself of his t-shirt and giving Julian the opportunity to pin him to the ground by his slender arms and tickle with the other hand. It was not long before Noel was shouting for mercy, gasping for breath as Julian sat back and freed his arms. It was then that he saw something change in the older man's face - it changed from the contented smugness of victory to something far more like horror. He watched Julian's eyes flick down to his bare chest and back up to his face again, and saw the colour rise in his cheeks even in the weak ambient light provided by the torch that now lay somewhere near Noel's feet.
"Ju?" He asked, concern tinting his voice, and immediately wished he hadn't. Julian's face closed up, and he looked away. There was a beat of silence before he answered, and then he threw a balled-up tee to Noel as if nothing had happened.
"Put your shirt back on, you whore," he joked, flashing Noel a smile so that he knew it was meant in light spirits. But there had been something absent from his voice, Noel could hear, and it hadn't sounded much like a quip. What was wrong with him?
Noel could tell, though, that he wouldn't get anywhere by asking, so he replaced the t-shirt and reached for his plate which he had discarded in his excitement about the jelly. Julian, too, reached for his, and they at in silence for a few moments. It wasn't a comfortable silence, though, not like usual. There was something else going on, some mysterious undertones that he couldn't identify. But he shrugged and continued to munch on cheese and cucumber sandwiches because that was what Julian would expect him to do.
In some ways, they were walking on eggshells now more than ever. They had not known each other for long, in the grand scheme of things, but even at the beginning they had been free to create whatever they wanted because there was no pressure. No one knew who they were - so writing was easy. It was just for them, and so it wouldn't matter if they fell out or suddenly stopped being able to write good sketches. But now, after the success of Arctic Boosh, there was something expected of them. People were watching them, waiting for them to write new content and expecting that it would be better than anything they'd written before. And yet neither of them had done anything like it before, so the prospect of deadlines and writing for other people that expected great things terrified them.
And now, Noel's heart was telling him to ruin it all and admit that maybe he found Julian attractive as more than a comedy partner. But he didn't know what he wanted - would it be worth sacrificing their future careers if it went badly, or even if it went well? Was the possible gain worth the risk? Noel didn't think so, as he bit into a pork pie. He didn't know what he wanted at all.
Julian finished his food in record time, not having the usual distraction of conversation and casual banter whenever he ate with Noel. But he appreciated the time to think as the younger man ate, completely oblivious to the storm happening in Julian's mind. He was reassessing every moment they'd shared, looking at them from a different angle, to see if there was even the tiniest chance that his heart was fooling him. But it seemed, as he sorted through his memories and saw that they were mostly comprised of the way Noel had looked or sounded or smelled, that he had been fooling himself for quite some time. He sighed, and resisted the urge to put his head in his hands. How had he managed to fuck this up? His big break, his once in a lifetime opportunity, and all he'd managed to do was set himself up to make an absolute mockery of himself. Because he'd have to tell Noel, eventually. He'd notice, otherwise, and Julian would lose any chance that they could still be friends after the fact. His shoulders dropped in defeat, and he shut his eyes tight. Maybe if he wished hard enough, the earth would swallow him up.
---
Gradually, the tide of awkwardness that had stifled them both receded, leaving room for their usual quips and casual banter to re-emerge from the woodwork. Julian watched as he delivered the punchline of his joke, feeling his heart beat fast in that moment of uncertainty before Noel’s face lit up with glee. His whole body felt warm and vaguely fuzzy as the younger man threw his head back and laughed, properly laughed, and it was infectious: Julian could feel himself joining in and letting go. Their supplies of beer were dwindling as the afternoon ended and the evening began, each feeling pleasantly uninhibited due to the alcohol in their bloodstreams.
As they’d bantered back and forth, neither had noticed the rain gradually growing stronger outside their tartan-patterned haven until it was too late to do anything. The makeshift roof had become heavier as it had absorbed the falling water, and rain had pooled at the lowest point, and eventually the stones keeping it secured in place slipped from the cones they were perched atop. The sodden fabric collapsed on their haven, soaking everything that it came into contact with, including those who had sought shelter beneath it. Both men made startled noises as their worlds went dark, and the heavy blanket pinned them to the ground so that they had to fight their way out from underneath it. Limbs collided in the scramble to free themselves from their claustrophobic prison, fighting to reach fresh air, and the rocks that remained on the car’s roof were flung into the night by their efforts.
After what seemed like a lifetime, although in reality was only a few seconds, they were free. They stood in the downpour, almost immediately becoming wet through, and surveyed the damage it had wrought to their fort in silence. Noel was the first to move, stepping gingerly through the wreckage lest he step on a discarded bottle, before arriving at Julian’s side. They looked at one another for a moment, seemingly each seeing the other with new eyes, before Julian reached out and gently pushed Noel’s sodden fringe out of his eyes. It was just a simple gesture, and yet to Noel it felt paternal and comforting and so right that he needed to make it wrong again. He ran one hand through his hair before flattening his dirty blonde fringe back against his forehead so that it reached his eyes, and raised one eyebrow in a silent challenge. Julian opened his mouth as if to speak, to rebuke the younger man for being so childish, or perhaps to threaten to quash that rebellion with another play fight, but he never said a word.
The ground itself seemed to vibrate as the thunder rumbled, deafening the two silhouettes stood together in an otherwise deserted car park. Noel began to count the seconds before the noise had even ended, as he had done since he was a child, but he abruptly stopped when he saw Julian’s expression. The older man had frozen, eyes wide and mouth in a silent ‘o’ of shock, and to Noel’s eye he looked almost like a cartoon character. Instinctively, Noel reached out and grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers through Julian’s.
“Ju?” Noel asked tentatively, as if he was afraid, and then again, louder, when the other man didn’t respond. “Ju!” There was still no response, and Noel began to panic as he fumbled to find Julian’s racing pulse, reaching up to touch his face, where unseeing eyes stared into the middle distance.
It was like that, as statues, that the first flash of lightning caught them. Julian seemed to be revived as the light disappeared, gently squeezing Noel’s hand in his and gazing at the shorter man with wide eyes.
“S-sorry,” he managed to stutter out, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths, before Noel shook his head and reached down for Julian’s other hand. The younger man’s eyes were full of concern as he brought Julian’s hand to rest on his chest so that he could feel his heartbeat.
“It’s alright,” he began, before shaking his head and furrowing his brow, “I’ll try and make it alright, okay? I’ll be right here, with you, all the time.” Julian breathed an inaudible sigh of relief at Noel’s reassurance, letting his eyes flicker shut for a second before he once again stared into the distance. He hated having to explain this phobia, and more often than not it made him more anxious to have to keep one eye open for the storm and simultaneously try to explain that he’d be alright as soon as it passed to a concerned witness.
Tenderly, like a mother might lead a child, Noel walked with Julian the few steps to the back door of the car, before pulling it open and gesturing for his charge to get in. Julian glanced at the metal vehicle reluctantly, before looking to the piles of rubble and deciding that it might be safer under cover. With a last rueful glance at the sky, Julian ducked inside. As Noel let go of his hands, he began to panic, poking his head out of the car and silently begging him not to go. His pleas seemed to have no effect on the younger man, though, as he stepped away from the car to grab the sodden blankets that littered the floor and throw them onto the passenger seat.
Eventually, Noel had finished tidying up and he climbed onto the back seat of the car, sitting cross-legged beside Julian and searching the older man’s vacant expression with unease. Although he was more prepared for the second clap of thunder, it was no less terrifying, and Julian found himself impulsively reaching out to pull Noel against him as a human shield. He wrapped his arms tightly around the younger man as if he’d be spirited away by the storm, panicking too much to even keep track of the seconds as had been suggested to him countless times. Noel felt like a rag doll in his arms; all floppy limbs and light as a feather, and he was appreciative that Noel wasn’t trying to escape the tight embrace. It was almost as if he understood, in a way that no-one else did, the panicked frenzy of Julian’s brain, and instinctively knew how to comfort him.
Julian relaxed a little once the lightning had momentarily illuminated the car’s interior, loosening his grip and burying his face in the dripping blonde mane of his companion. He whispered apologies into Noel’s ear with eyes screwed shut, fading to silence as Noel reached out and held Julian’s large hands between his own.
“We’ll be okay,” Noel whispered back, before shuffling more comfortably into Julian’s lap and using his new height to place a tender kiss on the other man’s forehead. “I promise.”
-
Soon, Noel was asleep. His head lay on Julian’s shoulder, and he still held Julian’s hands as he softly snored through the storm. Julian, of course, was not, even though the storm was rapidly retreating into the night. With his thumbs, he traced endless patterns onto the back of Noel’s hands as he slept, writing words he didn’t think that he’d ever say and illustrating dreams that would never be realised. But, now, he didn’t think that would be so bad.
If he could keep these moments, when he could almost hear the beat of Noel’s heart and could feel the tickle of his breath, even if they didn’t come around as often as he might like, then he’d live.
Noel stirred, and Julian watched the shadows of his face move in the near-darkness. He was sure that the younger man looked beautiful, and he allowed himself to imagine waking up beside him, imagined a world in which he could have Noel to be his. The images brought a small smile to his face: sunlight filtering through blinds and causing his skin to glow with health, usually immaculate hair tousled and tangled, limbs spread out with no regard for Julian’s personal space.
As the next rumble of thunder came, muted by distance, Julian closed his eyes and rested his heavy head on top of Noel’s. Before he knew it, the words he’d wanted to say all day slipped out, although their intended audience was asleep. Julian didn’t mind, though, as he breathed in the comforting scent of Noel’s shampoo.
“I love you.”