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Nishiki is fifteen the first time he thinks about pushing Kiryu down and holding him down, about taking what he wants and fuck the consequences. And he’s so young, just starting to think about girls and crushes, shouldn’t know what these things are or that he wants them. It’s something of a premonition, that as a teenager he wants to force Kiryu down and ruin him, before he’s even had his first kiss.
Which, he does give to Kiryu, late at night in their room at the orphanage. He gives it to Kiryu without asking, and when the only response is the rustle of sheets and Kiryu going stiff, he thinks for a long moment about not stopping. So it’s been there from the beginning, is what he gets from this. These fantasies are an innate behavior, not a learned one, and somehow that makes it so much worse.
They don’t talk about the kiss. Ever. Nishiki steals back into his own bed and touches himself and imagines it’s Kiryu instead, Kiryu stiff and unmoving under his hand.
He takes a scalding shower the next morning and feels astoundingly guilty when Kiryu smiles good morning at him.
--
He hopes it’s a one-time thing, and maybe it is, until the first time he has another boy under him. The other boy, he’s in the class below, and he’s kind of awkward but taller and bigger than Nishiki, and yeah , Nishiki gets it, he doesn’t need it spelled out. It’s his first time with another boy and Nishiki holds him down, pushes his face into the pillow and winds fingers in his hair. He does this without practice, clumsy and unsafe, but the other boy doesn’t say a word.
They never talk about it, and that really only makes the fantasy more realistic.
--
The worst part is, arguably, when Nishiki realizes he’s in love with Kiryu. It happens somewhere after the sodden ground and the rain and Kazama standing over them. They’re packing their bags in that room they shared for over a decade, because tomorrow is Kamurocho, tomorrow everything changes. They’re excited and terrified and Nishiki’s bed feels suddenly too small when he turns in for the night. Tomorrow, they’re adults, they’re on their own.
He crawls into Kiryu’s bed for the last time, that night. Curls into his side and holds his breath and reaches for comfort. He just wants his best friend, that’s all he wants, but Nishiki’s been getting ahead of himself for years now, and when Kiryu goes a little stiff beside him, he realizes abruptly that this is where it all started. This room, this bed, his body pressed skin to skin against Kiryu’s.
He’s replayed the kiss in his head a million times since then, but it isn’t about the kiss, it’s about what follows. There’s a big reason he hasn’t tried it again and it has nothing to do with what Kiryu might actually want or not. Those are superfluous details whenever he thinks about Kiryu like this and oh, it’s a lot.
And because he hasn’t quite grasped the gravity of the situation yet, doesn’t understand what he’s doing or why it’s bad , this time, he does try again. Quietly, slowly, hoping not to wake him, Nishiki props himself up over Kiryu’s chest. He leans down so his hair brushes Kiryu’s face, and Kiryu doesn’t move, doesn’t open his eyes, and that’s how they both stay for a long time. Nishiki’s waiting for something, waiting for Kiryu to wake up and stop him before he can do something horrible, something unforgivable, but he never does.
In the end, he lays his head back on the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut and tries to reason the not-kiss to himself: No one would have known. This isn’t what love is supposed to look like or do, and that , laying next to Kiryu with all his regrets and sick ideas, is how he realizes it.
--
There’s a particularly vivid fantasy he has when he’s old enough to know better, after they’ve taken their oaths and Nishiki has sworn to himself he’ll die before letting harm come to his kyodai . Lately, he’s just been protecting Kiryu from himself.
It happens every time they go out drinking, and then there’s tonight , Reina watching him too closely over the bar as he orders Kiryu drink after drink. I’m paying, he’d said at the beginning of the night, and Kiryu had no idea how dangerous accepting that offer is. Nishiki’s had maybe three drinks the whole night, just enough for a buzz, just enough for his judgement to be blurred. Kiryu, though, is almost passed out on the bar, and Reina keeps looking at him. For a split second, he thinks she knows. Nishiki smiles, charming and innocent, always a situation diffuser when it comes to Reina, and drops a stack of bills on the counter.
“Kiryu really overdid it tonight, huh?” he says, tries for as convincing as possible with the gentle needling. He’s just a guy exasperated with his friend for drinking too much, and that’s all Reina needs to know. Nishiki slips his hands under Kiryu’s arms and moves to stand him up. “Think I’m gonna take him home now before he causes any trouble.”
“Nishikiyama-kun, wait--”
Sometimes, Reina is too smart for her own good. Nishiki grits his teeth, and Reina stops short when she reaches for his arm across the bar. That look in her eye, it’s both knowing and a little fearful, but she stands with her jaw set and shoulders squared, as imposing as is physically possible. It’s a routine, Nishiki realizes, as he drops Kiryu back into his chair. She’s had to do this a million times, just never with him.
“Why don’t you head out and let Kiryu-san sleep it off here for a while? It’s a slow night, he won’t bother the other customers.”
This, too, is practiced. How many times has Reina had to do this? Stand up for some drunk girl with a sleazy date? Nishiki backs down, because he wasn’t ever supposed to be that person. On the taxi ride home, he goes over the night in his head, or what could have been the night. If Reina hadn’t stopped him, if he had gotten Kiryu home. Well, it wouldn’t be just Kiryu falling into bed. Nishiki has this recurring fantasy, of Kiryu too drunk to say no, too drunk to say anything, and he’ll push Kiryu face down into the blankets and keep him there. If he’s perfectly honest with himself, that’s the best part, Kiryu unresponsive, Kiryu there but not present. And Nishiki…
Nishiki able to do anything he wants. He could turn him over and force his cock into Kiryu’s mouth, or he could spread Kiryu’s legs and fuck him, leave him nice and sore for the next morning, a reminder that given their history, they’d never talk about. Everything would go back to normal and Kiryu would smile at him over breakfast and Nishiki would continue to be consumed with guilt, which… isn’t too different from what he’s doing now. What does he have to lose, really?
--
“Let’s go somewhere new tonight,” Nishiki suggests, as bubbly as possible, smile wide and bright, the next time Kiryu suggests they go out. “There’s a new Karaoke bar on the south side of town, how about we try there?”
They drink and they sing and Nishiki ends up half groping him in the booth, laughing and too drunk for it to seem too out of the ordinary. They’ve always been physically comfortable with each other, and if Kiryu minds the hand under his suit jacket, he doesn’t say anything.
They’re stumbling through the front door of Nishiki’s apartment before he changes his mind and lets Kiryu crash under the kotatsu. In the next room, Nishiki sprawls out on his futon and touches himself to the thought of Kiryu out cold under him.
--
The next time he’s at Serena, he’s alone. Reina pours heavy and leans forward on the bar, propped up on her forearms like she’s going to say something, except Nishiki beats her to it.
“Reina, about the other night.”
He needs another drink for this. Already hates himself before he even says it, and anyway, he’s only saying it because she already knows, she has to. He holds the glass tight in his hand, and Reina waits patiently for him to drink the rest before he continues. She pours him another while he’s talking.
“It wasn’t what it looked like. I wasn’t going to… it’s Kiryu. Have you ever tried making him do something he doesn’t wanna do?”
Reina smiles, sadly, and pushes the now full glass towards him. He’s just digging himself a deeper hole, feels like he’s going to choke no matter what she says. “He was too drunk to stand up. I had to drag him to one of the couches.” And the fact that she sounds so non-judgemental about this, just stating facts? That makes him feel even worse. He doesn’t want absolution.
The conversation halts, Reina welcomes in a couple new customers, Nishiki has two more drinks, and then he says, when she stops to check in on him: “I… I’ve thought about it. I don’t know if I would ever… but I’ve thought about it.” Nishiki says it all in a rush, all in one breath, and gasps for air when he’s done, blinks hard a few times in an attempt to inhibit the tears prickling threateningly behind his eyelids.
Reina, calm levelheaded Reina, sounds only concerned when she tentatively responds. “Have you told Kiryu-san how you feel?”
“I can’t,” and now he’s crying for real, garnering stares from the other Serena patrons. I gave him a kiss once and he didn’t want it. I keep trying to do these things, and he doesn’t want it. “I can’t. It’s always going to be like this, it’s--”
His forehead hits the cool wood of the bar top, chest heaving with sobs, and all Reina can do is skim her fingertips over the crown of his head and say “it’s alright, Nishikiyama-kun, we all make mistakes, it’s alright. Just be careful.” But he’s been trying that all along, being careful. The problem is, at some point his desire is going to outweigh his self control. It’s already slipping.
--
In a rare turn of events, Nishiki is the one who drinks the most when they go out next. He tries to drown himself in it, kill his guilt and responsibility, and when Kiryu practically carries him through the door, Nishiki kisses him. There’s something he needs, there’s something…
Kiryu loses balance, and they both end up sprawled out on the tatami. Kiryu’s eyes are wide and Nishiki is on the verge of tears, keeps almost sobbing when he grabs at Kiryu’s clothes and kisses him again and begs . “Please, Kiryu, please, I need, I have to--”
It’s always going to be like this.
Kiryu doesn’t say no, doesn’t say anything , so they’re halfway there, and then he’s kissing Nishiki back and that’s the part Nishiki’s never accounted for, not when they were kids and not now. He was looking for condemnation from Reina, when he told her, and maybe that’s what he’s looking for from Kiryu now. But Kiryu kisses him back, and that means Nishiki is never going to get what he wants.
He’s crying again by the time they get their clothes off, and Nishiki can’t kiss him aagain, can’t even bring himself to touch him. There’s a way to make this right, and it takes all Nishiki has to look at Kiryu through watery eyes and ask to be held down.