Chapter Text
A group of cadets are in a field facing the general as he stares at them.
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
All right, you goof nuggets, now I don't want no screwing around from you tactless fudgepuppies! The last group of cadets thought it would be funny to throw an innocent little kid into a pile of dog poo! And you wanna know what happened?
(everyone stares at him)
They were all sent to Hogwarts. And it was AWKWARD for everyone!
(to Lancel)
So, what's your name, pipsqueak?
LANCEL LANNISTER
Lancel Lannister...
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Well, sweet mother of Teresa on the hood of a Mercedes-Benz, you sound like a majestic fricking idiot! Do you sing?
LANCEL LANNISTER
No...
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Harmonize with me, maggot!
LANCEL LANNISTER
I don't know if I can!
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Yes you can!
LANCEL LANNISTER
But I can't!
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
(opera yells)
LANCEL LANNISTER
(screams)
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
(slaps Lancel)
OK, what about you? What's your story?
DICKON TARLY
Oh, I'm Dickon Tarly from Horn Hill. After I ace this academy, I'll be joining the military police.
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Well, you seem like an intelligent young man with a good head on your shoulders.
DICKON TARLY
Why thank you so...
(Azog smacks him in the face)
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
(Dickon screams in pain)
Now listen up, you no-good idiotic snowflakes! You don't get to join ANYTHING until you pull your foot out of your mouths!
(to a random cadet)
What about you, pretty boy? Where do you see yourself in five years?
RANDOM CADET
I plan to give my body in service to Prince Oberyn Martell, sir!
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Oh, so you think Dorne is some kind of homosexual porn haven, you disgusting woman-hating rainbow chaser? Boy, if you can't pull your brains out of your butt AND squeeze, then you really have no business trying to be with the prince!
(to another cadet)
Well, sweet fricking Power Rangers, I bet your mother wishes she abandoned you...
(Olly laughs at mentioned cadet; Nymeria hits him with her whip)
So, what's going on in this neck of the woods? What's that strap of disrespectability towards women and people of color doing on your waist?
NYMERIA SAND
Oh, that's my whip.
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Oh, that's your whip? You like a little whipping action?
NYMERIA SAND
That whip is my weapon.
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
I see. From now on, you'll be known as "Whip Girl".
NYMERIA SAND
I don't like that name.
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Well, it's too bad, because you're using it.
(to Olly)
And as for you, young man, we have some rules around here about laughing at women who choose to be warriors instead of housewives.
OLLY
Oh, I'm so scared! What are you gonna do to me?
[Olly is forced to run around on the track for an hour; he starts crying.]
[Sam steps on the harness and balances.]
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Well, holy Pacific Rimshot! Look at you, Sameth Tollsworth; you're all limp and strong at the same time!
(to Dickon)
Dickon! Why can't you be more like Sammy the Fantasticsause over here?
(Dickon groans)
TYSTANE MARTELL
Oh my gods, Dickon, you suck!
GENERAL AZOG PATASE
Well, congratulations on passing the first stage of your training, princesses...
(Shagar clears her throat and points to the girls)
...and gelfings; don't worry, I'm not sexist. But I hope that you made a lot of friends during your training, because now you'll have to kill them.