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Zayn was tired. He had been up for a good thirty hours and it didn’t look like he would get to sleep any time soon. It was one of the downsides to being an international popstar. Too much shit to do, too little time to do it. Not that Zayn minded most of the time. It was only at times like these…
Zayn sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest, his chin resting on the bony joints. He had to record three more verses before they let him go back, and that would take another hour, at least. Especially with the way his voice has been cracking all night, and the three times he’s yawned mid-verse. Yeah, tonight was going to be a long night.
He heard the two sound producers bickering with one another, listening to what he assumed was his voice. He didn’t really care, at the moment. He just wanted to sleep. Or die. Well, at this point either one would suffice. He knew he would get back to the bus and the boys would all be asleep, cuddled into one another as usual.
It wasn’t odd for them to leave Zayn out. Not intentionally, of course. No, his boyfriends were way too sweet to do that. But he knew that sometimes they kept their distance. And he never minded. He knew he didn’t really belong there. He was only there because they pitied him. They didn’t want him to be the only one alone, so they tolerated him enough.
But on days like this it sometimes got to him. All he wanted to do was cuddle close to someone, lay in their embrace and let sleep cloud his senses. But he would have to sleep, yet again, in the cold bed too big for him to get comfortable. Maybe this was why he was an insomniac.
“Alright, Zayn. Run through the verse one more time and we’ll let you go. We’re not going to get anything better out of you today” The man’s voice was breathy, slow, laced with exhaustion. Zayn felt his throat knot up. He knew he was difficult sometimes, but was he really that bad? He ran a hand over his face and swallowed the lump, standing up and walking over to the makeshift studio.
He was, somehow, able to choke out the entire part. Surprisingly, it sounded really good. Upset by the underhand insult, and tired to the point of tears, his voice sounded miserable, as if he were singing from the heart. Well, if it fit the song, whatever. He didn’t say goodbye before he dragged himself out of the room, his dark eyes shrouded as he stumbled over to his bedroom.
The sheets, like he predicted, were freezing. He trembled slightly as he curled into himself, letting his nose bury deeply into the sheets too light to keep him warm, the pillows too soft to be a body. He pulled his knees up to his chest, clenching his eyes shut. They don’t want me. Who would? He let out a hoarse laugh, before shaking his head, burying his head into the cold pillow to the right of him. His face heated up as his eyes grew wet, tears leaking out of their corners, trickling down onto the side of his face, dripping down his nose and soaking his lashes. He fell asleep like that.
Cold.
Miserable.
Alone.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
.
“Hey, Harry?” Niall murmured, his voice muffled by Liam’s neck, where his head was tucked. Warm hands moved to stroke down Niall’s back.
“Yeah, babe?” Harry murmured, his voice low, as to not disturb Louis, who was almost asleep on his chest.
“Why isn’t Zayn ever with us anymore?”
Liam stiffened under him, Louis seemed to shift uncomfortably and Harry’s eyes snapped up to look at the black of the blonde’s head. “I, uh… I dunno, Ni, to be honest with you.”
Niall shifted, turning so his head was resting on Liam’s collarbone, “Does he not like us anymore?”
Louis shifted uncomfortably, his fingers gripping tightly ast Harry’s sweater, wrinkling the fabric. Harry ran a hand through his older boyfriend, pressing his lips to his feathery brown hair. He turned to look at Liam, who was pretending to sleep, then at Niall, “I… I hope he does…”
“Because if he doesn’t he should tell us,” Niall seemed to be talking more to himself than to Harry, “because I don’t know about you guys but I love him… and if he doesn’t feel the same way, then he shouldn’t lead me on.” His voice sounded thick. It was too dark for the other boys to see the small droplets slide down Niall’s pale, rosy cheeks.
They had been in their… whatever it was… for more than a year now. Funny enough, it started with Louis and Harry. After management tried to keep them apart, Harry grew close to Niall. Louis was jealous at first, but soon accepted the blonde, easily falling for the adorable boy. Liam had balanced the three out, responsible and sweet, the gentle giant who kept his boys in line. But they didn’t feel whole. Like there was something missing.
They didn’t realize he had wandered into their relationship until it was too late to stop him. It wasn’t like they would have stopped him, even if they could. He was their rock, the one who kept them sane. He was the gentle squeeze on the shoulder when they were asked
about girlfriends on air. He was the hug everyone needed every once and a while, the smack to the back of the head they needed on other occasions. He balanced them all out, kept them together and happy.
But they had lost their rock. They didn’t know when, or why, but he wasn’t there. Ever. It wasn’t like he was avoiding them. He just… wasn’t there. There was a cold place in between Louis and Niall where Zayn used to lay, cuddled in the middle of all his boys, touching all of them, just to let them know he was there. None of them had been able to sleep well since he had stopped sleeping in the same bed as him. But none of them had ever confronted him about his lack of presence. If Zayn didn’t want to sleep with them, they wouldn’t make him.
Niall whimpered, reaching out to place his hand on the small spot between him and Harry, “I want him back.” Now, they could hear the tears in Niall’s voice. It made all of them wince, turn their heads in shame. They couldn’t have their baby, their Niall, upset.
Harry cursed, shifting so Louis was off of his chest. He pulled the covers up to the older boy’s chin, kissing his temple before grabbing a room key off of the nightstand. He stormed out without another word, his eyes narrowed. He was going to get Zayn back. Nobody made Niall cry.
Nobody.
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Zayn woke up to a harsh pounding on his door. He groaned, rolling over, his hands creeping up to his face, pressing over his ears. He wanted sleep. Sleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleepsleep. But the pounding continued, and even grew louder. He eventually rose from his spot in bed, pulling his arms around himself. He looked horrible. His eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks were sticky with tears and his lips were raw and gnawed on from his pitiful attempts of stifling his sobs.
He opened the door slowly, wincing as the light from the hallway crept into the room. He shied away from the figure in the doorway, looking away. His eyes turned to focus on his worn socks, “It’s early, Harry. Are we needed for something?”
“No. We’re not needed for anything.” Harry hand pushed at the door, opening it so the light cast over Zayn’s weary face. The taller boy drew in a breath, grasping Zayn’s sticky cheeks, pulling his face up to look at it. He murmured under his breath, before entering the room without another thought, sitting down on the bed and opening his arms, “Come here, babe.”
Zayn’s lip trembled. He wanted to. More than anything he wanted to curl into Harry’s embrace and sob his little heart out. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He was better than that. He knew how they felt. He knew they didn’t want him. How could he put up with that? He refused.
He turned to look at the wall, letting out a shaky breath, “I was asleep, Harry. Why are you here?”
“Because,” Harry murmured, a little upset that Zayn didn’t approach him, and a little surprised at the cold tone he used, “You weren’t with us. And I wanted you there.”
Zayn let out a dry laugh, “yeah. Alright.”
“Zayn,” Harry stood up, angry now, “What the hell has been up with you?”
“What? What’s been up with me? Absolutely nothing Harry. I’m just being myself.” Zayn’s eyes met Harry’s, and the curly haired teen almost let him off the hook. Almost. Instead, he narrowed his eyes, approaching the tan boy.
“Don’t give me that shit. You’ve been avoiding us.” Harry’s voice was stern, louder than usual.
“Haven’t.”
“Zayn!” His voice rose higher, making Zayn wince, “God, Zayn. Please.” Harry’s voice turned pleading, “Why are you doing this? Liam won’t look any of us in the eye, Louis is a cranky asshole, Niall was crying. Crying, Zayn. Because he thinks you hate him.”
“Hate? Oh, god, Harry I don’t hate him. I love him, I-“ tears filled Zayn’s eyes, “did he really cry?”
“That was the last straw, to be honest. We wanted to give you some space. We didn’t want to force you into being with us. But I couldn’t stand seeing my boys…our boys hurt.”
“I-“
“No. Listen to me.” Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair, plopping down onto the bed, “I know we kind of pressured you into… whatever we are. I know you didn’t ask. And I know we didn’t really give you much say. Its okay if you want to keep away from us. I
just… tell us. Tell us if you want to… you know. But to be honest with you, I don’t… I don’t know what I’ll do if you left…”
“What?”
“You’re… you’re Zayn. There’s really no way to explain it, to be honest. You keep us together. You’re our glue. You keep Louis behaved and you make sure that Liam relaxes every once and a while. You make Niall laugh harder than any of us can, and you keep me… you keep me sane.” Both boys laughed a bit. Zayn ran a hand through his hair, trembling digits resting at his side after.
“I-I thought you guys didn’t want me anymore…”
“Didn’t want-“ Harry stood up, looking angry. Zayn winced, turning his head to the side, tears breaking free from his eyes, spilling down his cheeks. Harry cupped Zayn’s cheeks, wiping his tears with his thumbs. Zayn let out a small whimper, trying to keep from crying. Harry let out a sigh, pulling the smaller boy into his arms, tightening his arms around his waist when Zayn let out a small sob, “Oh, Zayn… baby no. We thought you didn’t want us. You’ve been so distant. You haven’t… Zayn we love you. Love. Why would you think we
didn’t want you?”
“You guys… Whenever I came around you were all just… together. You went to bed without me most of the time and- and…” He began to hiccup, trying to breathe deeply, but failing. Harry pulled Zayn down onto the bed, cradling him into his lap.
“It doesn’t matter, babe. We need you. Remember that. Always and forever, we’ll want you.”
Zayn smiled a watery smile, looking hopefully up at Harry, obviously happier than before, “Can I sleep with you tonight?”
Warm lips pressed against each other as Harry kissed Zayn. “Every night, Zayn. We’re not letting you hide from us anymore.” Zayn couldn’t help but laugh.
That night Zayn slept in the center of all his boys, warm and comfortable for the first time in a long time.