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Taako is terrified.
His heart is pounding in his chest, fluttering around like a trapped bird trying to escape. His fingers twitch and shake with horror. His breath is labored, coming out in short gasps and sobs. With a start he realizes that tears are streaming slowly down his face.
He wipes them away quickly, he has to be stronger than this.
Sazed seems to be in a much better state. He's driving like a bat out of hell, but his horror seems to result in mute shock. He turns to Taako, eyes wide and accusing and says,
"What did you do?"
Taako jerks awake with a start, a reply on the tip of his tongue.
Beside him, Kravitz stirs, turning to look at him. "Yuh alright?" He mumbles.
Taako just sits and takes him in for a moment. His hair is tousled and splayed on the pillow, eyes bleary and sleepy. When he gets tired and loose like this, he starts to lose his material form, so Taako swears he can see a little bit of skull showing through transparent skin. They're in Taako's bed, which is in his house, which is in Neverwinter. There is no stage coach or frantic driver.
"Yeah I'm fine, go back to sleep babe."
Kravitz does just that, rolling over back into slumber with an ease Taako never could muster. He at least is done with meditation for the night, but what's the harm in snuggling a little with his hot boyfriend?
-
Taako takes a shower in complete silence. He feels numb with shock. His hands move on autopilot, shampooing with a terrible inn provided bottle, skipping conditioner in his haste. He feels repulsed at himself. Not only for what he did, but that he still refuses to think about it.
It's been three days since Glamour Springs, and Taako thinks that death would be better than this.
This is the first shower he's taken since the event, the past few days have been spent running and sleeping in the stagecoach. This, little Lichen Creek, is the first town they decided to stop at.
Taako scrubs and scrubs at his body until he is pink all over. His hands are stiff from being clenched and the shower does nothing to help. In fact, he's stiff everywhere, from stress and sleeping in strange places.
His face looks sallow, he thinks, inspecting it in the fogged up mirror. He hasn't been eating much, only a protein bar or two every day. It makes him sick to think about cooking. What if he hurts himself, or hurts Sazed? The risk is too high, he can't do it.
When he exits the bathroom, the rest of the room is empty. He peeks his head around corners, looking for his assistant.
"Sazed?" He calls, fearing both a response and silence.
"Sazed!" He cries again, this time, it hinges on hysteric.
There is a note on the bed. It simply reads, "I'm sorry, but I can't stay."
Taako grips it to his chest and falls to his knees, sobs wracking his thin frame. He's alone now, and he always will be.
-
"Are you doing okay?" Magnus asks, concerned.
Taako shrugs. "I mean I'm holding a puppy so I'm doing pretty good."
They're laying in the grass outside Hammer and Tails wrangling a littler of huskys, which may just be the cutest dogs Taako has ever seen.
"Full disclosure man, Kravitz and Lup both told me you've been a little off lately and asked if I could cheer you up." Magnus responds.
Taako laughs, "Those traitors."
"They're just worried about you. But for real, is everything alright?"
Taako sprawls back on the grass so he can grab another puppy. "Ch'boy is cool, I've just been doing some thinking."
"Be careful, don't want to strain yourself." Magnus teases. Taako slaps him in the arm but Magnus just laughs.
"I've been thinking about my past you know? How different everything was."
Magnus is silent, rubbing a puppy softly as he contemplates that. "Me too. The me from ten years ago couldn't have even imagined I'd be sitting here today."
Taako nodded in relief, happy that someone else understood what he was going through.
"Yeah it's......it's coming up on the anniversary of what happened in Glamour Springs."
"Aww buddy," Magnus leaned down, wrapping Taako in a hug. "that must be rough. If you ever need someone to talk to, you've always got me."
"Yeah yeah, cute moment over, you're all sweaty." He grumbled.
Magnus laughed and pulled away, handing Taako another puppy.
They laid there and talked for a long while, until the sun had sunk far below the horizon and the puppies had fallen asleep.
-
What was left for him here anyways? Sazed was gone, his career was dead, he had nothing. His life had ended but he was somehow still breathing.
Maybe this was hell. Maybe Taako had died that day too, and this was his punishment for his actions. Just him, alone and hurting for eternity.
It would be so easy to just stop. He could easily string himself up by transfiguring a sheet into rope, his hanging body to be found by room service the next morning. The inn was pretty tall, a fall from the roof would definitely kill him. There were a few knives in the kitchen too, and even more in the coach.
He could use prestidigitation to make some blueberries into nightshade and then at least the punishment would fit the crime.
He could end it all tonight and not have to ever worry about the consequences again.
He shudderes and buries his face in his hands.
Death was too good for a monster like him.
-
Quiet evenings were the best evenings in Taako's not so humble opinion.
Kravitz, Barry, and Lup were on a job, not expected back until the morning. Angus was spending the weekend with Taako and had gone to bed an hour ago, though Taako knew from the light shining under his door that Angus was still awake and likely reading.
It was a hot summer night, outside he could hear the soft noises of the Neverwinter night life from a few blocks away. Taako sat out on the porch with an appletini, alone with his thoughts.
He remembers Taako from over a decade ago, desperate and dying in a dingy hotel room. That Taako wasn't planning to live another day, let alone live a decade. He wasn't expecting family, friends, and a future.
Taako can cook again, can talk about what happened without inducing a panic attack. His future is bright and stretches out in front of him infinitely.
He has Angus, whose future can only bring innovation and new mysteries.
He has his sister, who has eternity to spend with him and the man she loves.
He has Kravitz, who has been hiding an engagement ring in his suit jacket for weeks now, just waiting for the right moment to pop the question.
His family is nearby and they visit often. He is horribly and undeniably happy with his job, his family, and his life.
He has so much to live for.
Lup once asked him if that if he could go back and change things, would he? Taako hadn't known the answer then, but he knew now. He wouldn't change anything. Life right now was just too good. Whatever loss and trials he had once experienced were nothing against the love he harbored now. The Taako from then hadn't known it, he couldn't see the future ahead of him. Neither could the Taako from a hundred years ago.
He smirks to himself because a hundred years from now he'll look back and say the same thing about this moment.
If he could tell himself from ten years ago one thing, it's that it would all work out.
He used to hate getting that answer from his aunt or from Lup, but now he can see the wisdom in it. There is always blindness in the most terrible situations that can usually be solved by opening ones eyes.
Taako shakes his head at himself for getting so philosophical, must be the alcohol.
He looks up at the stars and reminds himself that there's no harm in getting philosophical every once in a while.
-
Taako stares down at the berries in the palm of his hand. All it would take is a bite and he could be done, take the easy way out of this mess.
His vision wavers and fills with tears as he lets the berries fall from his palm.
Just one more day.
Just one more.