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It’s been a day since his father has returned home, and Ben Solo isn’t sure what to think of it. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, and so he did what he does best; decided to ‘brood’ as Rey calls it.
He didn’t know how to face his father. He had tried to kill him after all. If it weren’t for Snoke’s convoluted plan to have him kill his father again to prove himself to Snoke, then Han shouldn’t even be alive. Ben still might as well as have killed his father.
He didn’t deserve to have a relationship with him. Not after what had happened, what he had done. He didn’t deserve for Han to forgive him.
He still wasn’t sure how everyone else managed to have. And with Han having returned, he wondered if any of it would change.
He never did have a good relationship with his father when he was younger. He wanted to be enough for Han, good enough of a pilot, of a smuggler, even if he wasn’t really meant to do either.
He knew it disappointed Han when he had decided to train to become a Jedi instead of following his own footsteps.
“Were you planning on ignoring me until one of us died for good this time?” he heard his father ask, and he looked up from his meditation rock to see his father standing in front of him. Not that he was doing a good job meditating. It was hard to clear his mind when he had so many doubts racing through his mind.
“I wasn’t sure you would want to see me, give how we last parted,” Ben said, as his father sat beside him.
“They were less than pleasant,” his father acknowledged, before sighing. “All I wanted was for you to come home, Ben. And even if it wasn’t because of me, you still did return. And that’s enough for me.”
“I killed you,” Ben said flatly. “You should hate me.”
“You tried to kill me,” Han corrected. “If I hated everyone who tried to kill me, there would be no one left in the Galaxy.”
“You would be dead though,” Ben reminded him, “If Snoke didn’t want to test me. You were only left alive because Snoke wanted to punish me.”
“Well it ended up working out for the best,” Han commented. “Given that Snoke is dead, and the two of us are back where we belong.”
Ben didn’t say anything, not trusting himself to speak.
“I should apologise to you,” Han said softly, “For not always being there for you when you needed me. I wasn’t a good father, as painful as that is to admit. I never had parents growing up, and I spent most of my life just trying to survive and get by. I wanted to be a good father to you, but I didn’t want you to grow to resent me. I didn’t take you with me smuggling because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I didn’t want to push you to a life of smuggling when you didn’t need to do it to survive, and clearly you didn’t enjoy it.”
“I liked being able to spend the time with you,” Ben said, voice cracking. “I just wanted you to want me.”
“I always wanted you, Ben,” Han said softly. “You’re my son. I love you and your mother more than anything in the entire Galaxy. You’re my family. It broke my heart when you left, to join the First Order. All I wanted was for you to come home. But I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want to. That you hated me. That you were too far gone because of me, and that you didn’t want to be saved. But I should have tried harder to save you. I should have made sure you knew how much I loved you. How much I still love you.”
He let out a choked sob, “I tried to kill you. How can you love me, when I wanted you to die? You should hate me.”
“You tried to kill me because you were holding onto the love you had for your mother and I,” Han reminded him. “Don’t think I didn’t see through you. I know you only did it because you were filled with nothing but doubts. That Snoke wanted you to believe that you needed to destroy your past to be able to move on. To turn to the Dark Side fully. When in reality, it was what was holding you so tightly to the Light side. You wanted to come home, Ben. I just wish I had been able to bring you home. Don’t think I don’t know how much you’ve been struggling since you returned because of what happened. Your mother told me how torn up you are about it. How can I hate you when clearly you regret it deeply?”
“Why are you so forgiving?” Ben asked his father. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Because you’re my son,” Han said looking at him. “Because I was locked in that cell for a long time, and all I wanted was to come home to your mother. And when I heard you had turned on the First Order, I wanted to come home even more. I wanted to be with my family. With you.”
“I’m sorry,” Ben said softly. “For pushing you away when I was younger. For not believing in your love for me. For trying to kill you. For ignoring you when you returned.”
“I forgive you,” he said, “Now come on. Your mother wants us both at dinner tonight. Apparently we need to start having family dinners now that we’re all together. And she made it very clear that it was not a request, but a demand. You know how she can get if we don’t listen.”
Ben smiled at that. Somehow it felt like some things never changed.
“Besides your mother has invited Rey, and something tells me that you would be rather pleased by her presence there,” his father teased, and he felt himself grow hot at that.
Maybe it wasn’t too late to drop his father off at some far moon.