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The first time, Mickey was caught off guard -
Mickey was happily standing by the stove in their tiny kitchen, getting ready to serve dinner. He was simply waiting for Ian to arrive home after his twelve hour shift down at the station.
He placed both plates carefully on their wooden table, smiling as he starred at the three little yellow lilies Ian had offered him a few days before. They had become such a cheesy couple, but after all the shit they had gone through, Mickey thought it was fair to be proud of their ordinary lives.
His smile grew even wider when he heard the front door open, quickly wiggling out of his apron and setting it down on the counter. He went to the fridge, taking out two cold canned beers and dropping them on the table with the food. Some things never change, he thought to himself.
When Ian walked into their kitchen, his smirk dropped instantly. The boy seemed exhausted. The darks circles underneath his eyes were obvious and there was this paleness in his face that made Mickey want to be sick. He slowly walked up to him, starring at the boy sympathetically and giving his left arm a small squeeze.
''What's up with your beaten puppy dog face?'' Mickey spoke softly, trying to make it sound like a joke.
Ian simply ran his fingers through his long strands of red hair, shaking his head.
''Not much. How was your day?''
There was this dryness and edginess in his voice that Mickey really fucking hated. It was nothing like the cheerful tone Ian would usually have when arriving home after a long day at work. He sighed in defeat as he sat down at the table, letting both his elbows rest against the wooden surface. He watched his boyfriend carefully as he took his uniform jacket off, trying to get a hint of what was actually happening.
''My day was fine. Had to run a few errands this morning, nothing major. I missed you though.'' Mickey finally answered Ian's question, having no idea what else to say.
Ian grabbed his beer, cracking the top open and chugging it down quickly. He hit the empty can against the counter, sitting down with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were starring blankfully at the wall, which only made Mickey's concerns grow and bubble in his stomach.
''I said my day was fine Ian. Did you even fucking listen to a word I just said?'' Mickey spoke quite annoyingly this time, realising that the boy was totally out of it.
''What...?'' Ian's emerald orbs flickered, looking at Mickey with confusion. He cleared his throat nervously, trying to ignore the hole in his heart. ''Sorry I...''
''Long day at work?'' Mickey cut him off, letting his chin fall into his palm as he looked into Ian's green eyes, his own being filled with worry.
''Yeah, something like that.'' He finally admits, rubbing up and down his left thigh like he always did when nervous and anxious.
''Want to talk about it?'' Mickey asked, grabbing the fork that was resting by his plate and taking a bite of his pasta dish.
He frowned when he noticed Ian wasn't doing the same. He was usually so hungry after such a big shift at work. There was definitely something wrong with him, Mickey had no doubt about it anymore.
''I'm just tired. Not really hungry either.'' Ian admitted, taking his plate and placing it into their small fridge. He gave Mickey's shoulder a weak squeeze and offered him a forced smile, heading towards the hall that leaded to their bedroom.
''Ian wait up man.'' He sighed, letting his hand grip onto his wrist before he had the chance to head anywhere. He pulled him back against him gently, getting up from his seat and pulling Ian into a tight hug. ''You forget too often that I fucking know you more than you know yourself. What the fuck happened at work Ian?''
Ian's mind wanted to debate at first. He wanted to push away from Mickey's arms and lock himself into their bedroom for the rest of the night. But deep down, he knew that it would be useless, because truth was that he really didn't want to be alone in a moment like this. So instead of running off, he let his chin rest on Mickey's shoulder and gripped at his shirt with his thin fingers, squeezing his eyes shut tightly to block the path to some of his tears.
The way Ian was shaking into Mickey's arms broke his heart. The older boy nervously bit against his lip, wanting to say a thousand things, but knowing it would be better to let the silence do its work.
''Someone died today Mick.'' Ian finally whispered against Mickey's neck, knowing there was no other way to say it. He squeezed his eyes tighter, unable to keep his plump lips from quivering. ''Even when I close my eyes...all I can see is her holding my hand and begging me not to let her die.''
''Ian...'' Mickey breathed out, clutching at Ian's body so hard that he was scared that he would make both of them fall over. He knew that Ian would eventually see someone die at work, because that's the kind of crap being an EMT involved. He had thought it through many times. He had even discussed it with Ian in the past, had promised to be there for him when it would happen. Ian had brushed the conversation off every single time, probably from denial, but Mickey knew better. He knew that when it would happen, the pain would fucking stab Ian right through the heart.
Turns out he was right.
No matter how many times he had pictured scenarios through his mind, now that it was actually happening, he had no fucking idea how to react. Instead of panicking, he figured the best thing he could do, was be there for Ian, because that's what he was best at.
''There's nothing you could have done. It was just...her time. I mean shit...It really fucking sucks Ian but...''
''You don't fucking get it.'' Ian shook his head as he cut through Mickey's sentence, tears now rolling along his pale freaked cheeks. He wanted to shout but he knew that it would only make things worse. Instead, he gripped onto Mickey's petite frame even harder, wishing he could disappear for a few hours, just long enough to let the pain in his chest sustain.
''I get it.'' The older boy sighs, pushing himself away only to cup Ian's warm face between his palms. ''Trust me. I've seen more people die than you think.'' He frowns, not wanting to get too deep into his past, but images of his dark memories hitting him anyway. ''It's going to be ok. Cause we fucking have each other alright?''
Ian looked at him in defeat as more clear tears rolled along his precious face. Mickey shook his head, brushing one of them away with his thumb and repeating his sentence a second time.
''Gallagher, do you hear me? We fucking have each other. You aren't alone. Okay?''
That time, Ian nodded.
The second time happened in the middle of the night -
Mickey's eyes jolted open, looking nervously around the room as he stayed on his back. He moved his arm to the left side of their queen sized bed, wanting to make sure Ian was still asleep next to him. He breathed out in relief when he felt the boy's body, wrapping an arm around his waist to make sure he wouldn't disappear in the middle of the night.
It's only an instant later that he felt the tremors vibrating violently through Ian's frame. He was shaking quite intensely, which immediately got Mickey flying up in bed. He sat still, locking his fingers into Ian's red hair and rubbing soft circles against his scalp in attempt to wake him up delicately. A cry escaped the boy's parted lips as soon as he felt Mickey's touch. His eyes were shut tight, but the whimpers weren't subtending in the slightest.
''Ian...Baby. Wake up...'' Mickey whispered at first, not wanting to traumatise the kid either. He tried pulling him a little higher into his arms, rubbing his bicep with his thumb. He shook his left shoulder gently, wanting this nightmare to end as quickly as possible.
''I didn't want to...hurt...him.'' Ian cried out, body shaking with more and more violent trembles.
Mickey grabbed onto both of his shoulder this time, making him move a little more aggressively. He simply couldn't stand seeing him like that.
So broken and so lost.
''I love him so much...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.'' He kept going, now wiggling uncontrollably, heart racing at an unbelievable pace.
Mickey no longer knew what the hell he should do. Without thinking much longer, he took a deep breath and raised his hand in mid air, letting it slap against Ian's cheek. He knew when Ian's green eyes propped open that it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but he panicked and ran out of options.
Ian jumped up in bed, heaving for air. He brought a hand to his chest, trying to understand what the hell had happened. He was still half asleep when he noticed Mickey's concerned eyes, letting his hand cover his mouth as he broke a sob into it, barely holding himself up.
''Fuck...Come here.'' Mickey sighed out in relief, wrapping an arm around Ian's shaking upper body and letting him fall against his chest, legs tangled together.
Ian left a few more heartrenching sobs escape his lips as he tucked his face deeply in the crook of Mickey's neck. He gripped onto his shoulder blades, digging his nails deep into his thin layers of skin, trying to catch a few desperate breaths of oxygen.
''Breathe...It's ok. I've got you.'' Mickey spoke softly, never letting go of the frail body hidden in his arms.
''He...He was hurt...Because of...me...'' Ian tried speaking out, coughing and whimpering between every word. He took a few more moments to breathe in Mickey's scent, knowing that it was one of the only things that could ever calm him down when he felt like this.
''Who was?'' Mickey asked, not once breaking their tight hug. He wanted Ian to stay in his comforting arms as long as he needed too. At least, when they were locked together that tightly, Mickey knew Ian wasn't going to simply vanish into the atmosphere.
''Yevgeny...He stayed in the warm car for too long...He had to be hospitalised and...and it was all my fault and...you were shouting...and...and everyone hated me and...and I hated myself...and...'' He tried to explain, heart thumping so hard in his chest that it was actually hurting him.
Mickey could feel the cold water fall against his warm skin, but he couldn't care less. All he wanted was to be there for the boy he loved. The truth was that the misadventure involving his son sent shivers down his spine. When Ian's first psychotic episode had happened two years ago, Mickey had never been so scared. He thought he had lost his baby and lover for good. He had cried for two days straight, picturing them hurt or even worst...dead.
Ian had blamed himself ever since, no matter the number of times Mickey had promised him it was alright. Mistakes did happen, even if that one had indeed been a very big one. This was the very first time Ian had dreamed about the situation though, sending them both right into memory lane.
And shit, it still hurt way more than what Mickey thought.
Mickey pressed a delicate kiss to the top of Ian's head, helping him lay onto his lap. He played in his soft hair as he started to speak. His voice was soft, wanting Ian to feel as loved as possible.
''It was just a dream. Nothing happened to Yev and that's all in the past. Let's leave it that way.'' Mickey insisted, wanting Ian to understand that he needed to stop putting so much hate on his shoulders. ''Mistakes fucking happen. I'm the master of them.''
Ian left out a weak laugh, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand.
''No you're not. You think you are, but all your mistakes always turn into something beautiful. I wish you would see that.'' Ian sighed, drawing little patterns with his fingers against Mickey's thighs. ''My dream...It felt so real at the time...''
''I know.'' Mickey swallowed the lump forming in his throat, trying to chase his own tears away. He needed to stay strong for Ian. He always had to. There was no way he would ever break down in front of him. ''But that's what dreams do to your brain man. They fuck you up.''
''You're speaking like someone who knows what it feels like...'' Ian admitted, knowing there was so much Mickey was keeping away from him, even after two years of relationship.
''Not really no. Just stating the obvious.'' He brushed off, taking a deep breath. He gave his eyes a quick squeeze, wanting to make sure that all the possible tears gathered in them had disappeared.
''Thank you for...Always keeping me together.'' Ian spoke, voice more calm and breath back to a regular pace.
He kissed Mickey's knee, closing his eyes gently as his boyfriend tried to lull his back to sleep.
The third time was because of a stupid argument -
''What do you mean you fucking spent the money?'' Mickey shouted back at Ian, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head in total incomprehension. ''We were putting it aside for emergencies. Do you get what that means Ian!? Now if something happens to one of us...I...I don't know what we'll do...'' He finally sat down, letting himself fall against the couch as he rubbed his temples with both his hands.
Mickey's eyes were growing out of their sockets. He couldn't believe that Ian would dare take money out of their savings account without consulting him before. He knew he probably didn't mean wrong, but he had been feeling really stressed out lately and the smallest of things made him jump to the roof. Plus, with their lack of medical insurance, he knew they couldn't allow themselves to stupidly spend the money that they had worked so hard to get.
Ian stood in the living room in front of Mickey while he tapped his foot nervously against the tiles of the floor. He knew that Mickey was convinced that he had made a mistake, but deep down, he still thought that he had taken a good decision.
''Stop shouting...'' Ian asked with a frown, looking like an innocent fifteen year old kid all over again. He slowly allowed himself to drop onto the couch, right by Mickey side. ''I just...wanted to do something to make you happy. I...I never wanted to upset you.'' His eyes were already filling with tears and no matter how much he hated himself for being so emotional, he couldn't hold it back. All he ever seemed to do was mess shit up, and yet again, that's exactly what he had done.
''For fuck sakes Ian, please don't cry over this shit.'' Mickey sighed in defeat, knowing he could never stay mad for a long time when the ginger boy showed so much sadness through his green orbs.
But it was already too late. Waves of tears were pouring down his pale little cheeks, soaking his delicate skin. His face dropped between his hands in attempt to hide the waterfalls from Mickey's view. It wasn't very successful because only seconds later, he was being pulled onto the older boys lap, hand reassuringly rubbing up and down his back.
''I'm a fuck up. I always cause drama. Why would you even want to fucking be with someone as mind exhausting as me?'' Ian asked, sniffing from his small nose in attempt to keep himself together.
Mickey shook his head slowly, letting his forehead drop against Ian's as he closed his eyes, giving up on whatever frustration running through his veins.
''Cause I fucking love you Ian. It's not a few tears or a few mistakes that are going to change that. It's one of those things that stay for life, no matter what stupid obstacles are thrown are way. Yeah, you fucked up and spent the money that should have been saved to help us out for whatever crap comes our way, but that doesn't change how much I care about you. I love you for who you are and you not seeing that is bullshit. You're beautiful, you're sweet, you're hardworking and brave. You're everything I fucking need Gallagher.'' He pours out of his chest, usually not being a big fan of speeches, but feeling like this one was very much needed.
Mickey leaned in, letting his lips slowly brush across Ian's. He moved them in motion slowly, placing a hand firmly on the back of the redheads neck while he kissed him tenderly, letting all his love translate into his affection.
''You're...too good to me.'' Ian breathed out as he slowly pushed back from the kiss, running his thin fingers into Mickey's dark and thick hair.
The older boy shook his head as an answer, brushing Ian's tears away with his thumb and placing a delicate kiss on each of his cheeks, which quickly turned to a flustered pink shade.
''We're good for each other Ian.'' He corrected him, never wanting his boyfriend to underestimate the level of importance he had in his life.
''I just think...''
''No.'' Mickey cut him off quickly before he brought himself down again, no longer capable of hearing all this shaming. He knew it was Ian's guilt speaking, but he didn't care any less. He would never cease to tell that boy how much he meant to him. ''Enough alright? Now let's get ready for those reservations you've booked.'' He gave him a small smile, flipping Ian's bottom lip with the tip of his thumb.
''We're actually going?'' Ian asked surprised, not expecting Mickey to change his mind so quickly.
''Yeah. I never said we weren't going. I just said spending our savings was not your best idea.'' He winked back at the boy in his arms, peeking at his lips one last time before helping him off of his lap. ''I wanted to have a real date with you ever since our mood was killed by those fucking MP's. I guess we deserve it.''
''I love you...'' Ian whispered, starring at back at Mickey with his sparkling emeralds.
''I know.'' He pushed himself away from the couch to get up on his feet, leaning down only to place a soft smooch on the top of Ian's ginger hair. ''Now give me the shirt you want me to iron before I change my mind.''
Ian finally gave in, smile appearing on his lips. He talked himself into getting off the couch, running happily to his closet to pick something nice to wear.
The fourth time felt like a stab through Mickey's heart -
Mickey nervously stepped foot in their dark bedroom, slowly walking towards their bed where a silent silhouette had been laying down for the past three days. He placed a plate containing a small ham sandwich on the nightstand by Ian, frowning as he noticed the untouched glass of orange juice he had poured three hours ago. He sat down by the edge of the mattress, wishing he could see something more than his boyfriends back.
There's nothing Mickey hated more than to have to deal with Ian's meds failing him and fucking with his mind.
He brought a hand to one of his shoulders, brushing his fingers against the fragile warm skin. The last thing he wanted to do was to rush his boyfriend into doing anything, haven made that mistake far too many times before. Instead of that, he laid down by his side, pulling the heavy blankets against both their bodies and wrapping one of his arms around the motionless frame.
Mickey knew very well, by the rhythm of Ian's breathing, that the boy wasn't sleeping.
''Hey baby...I'd really like you to drink a few sips of juice. I don't want you to get desiderated.'' He almost begged, not wanting to end up going to the hospital with Ian because of malnutrition.
At his big surprise, he received no answer.
''I can help you up? It would make me really happy. I know you can do it.'' He tried once more, rubbing up and down his back and pressing his nose against his spine.
Yet again, he was greeted by silence.
He sighed, not expecting much more if he was being quite honest with himself.
''It's ok. Thank you for trying baby. Maybe next time?'' He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, keeping himself together for Ian's sake.
It absolutely killed him to see the boy he loved in such a state of mind. He had experienced Ian's lows many times before, but it never got easier. Every single time, it was just as hard to see him suffer.
He slowly pushed himself away from bed, ready to exit the room and try again in a few hours, but before he could do so, he was shook by a few faint mumbles. His heart nearly stopped as he heard them, not believing that Ian was actually trying to speak. He rushed back to his side, pressing his face close to his as he helped him turn onto his back. He needed to see his face. Even though there were no fresh tears, his cheeks were still marked with old and dried water marks. The sight felt like a stab straight through Mickey's gut.
''I'm right here Ian. Can you say that again?''
Ian swallowed the thick saliva in his throat, trying to chase away the dryness. He took the deepest breath he could manage. Forming a simple sentence made him feel like he had to climb Mount Everest.
''I...I'd like...a...bath...'' He painfully spoke, taking a break to catch his breath between every single one of his words. The sound coming from his voice was insanely low, but Mickey had his face so close to him that he was able to quickly catch on.
''Of course...I'll help you into the tub. How does that sound?'' He smiled faintly, wanting to scream in victory at how much of a big deal this was, but acting like everything was perfectly normal instead. Fuck, he wanted to cry. He cupped Ian's face delicately with his hands, lips pressing lovingly onto the boy's forehead. ''Can you walk? Or should I carry you?''
In response, Ian closed his eyes. He didn't have it in him to answer the simplest of questions. Mickey didn't hesitate a second more, knowing there was no time to ask the same thing a second time.
''It's fine Ian. Don't worry. Come here...'' Mickey whispered, not sounding the slightest annoyed. On the contrary, he was so happy that Ian had found the strength in him to speak, even if it was only the simplest of words.
He started by scooping up his legs with one of his arms, pressing his other hand in the middle of his back. Ian knew the drill, weakly draping his numb arm around Mickey's neck as he felt himself being lifted from the bed and into the air. He pushed his head into his boyfriends chest to block away the light that would appear once they would exit their bedroom. Mickey held him reassuringly, trying to ignore the fact that his back was aching under the heavy weight of Ian's body.
He walked to their bathroom as quickly as he could, helping Ian sit on the ground and making sure his back would be resting against the wall. He had tried sitting him on the stool once, but had learned from past experiences that it asked too much effort for Ian to support his own body weight.
Once he was positive that Ian was comfortably seated, he opened the tab, letting warm water fill the tub. He crawled to his knees in front of the boy, rubbing his thumb against his tear stained cheekbone.
''Going to help you out of your clothes now baby ok?'' He explained his every move, wanting to make Ian as comfortable as possible.
He helped him raise his arms, pulling his tee over his head.
''You're doing awesome Ian.''
He smiled at him, slowly untying to cord of his loose gray joggers, tugging them down to his knees before succeeding at taking them away.
''See how good you are doing? Only one piece left before getting into the warm water alright?''
He kept encouraging him the whole way through, not caring that he was having a one sided conversation. He simply wanting Ian to know how incredibly proud of him he was.
Mickey finally slipped his fingers under the elastic of Ian's boxers, lifting his legs slowly to take them away from his body. When he was finally naked, Mickey locked their fingers together, starring right into his empty green eyes.
''I love you, so much.'' He whispered against the boy's ear, not wanting him to ever forget the incredible amount of love and admiration he had towards him.
Mickey rushed to take his own clothes away, shoving them all in a pile in the corner of their bathroom. He returned to Ian in an instant, pressing both hands under his armpits to help him get up on both his feet. He climbed into the bath first, wanting to support Ian's body weight as he would get in with him.
''Right foot first. Slowly...'' He indicated him, watching him carefully as he lifted his first leg into the air, covering it with hot water. ''I've got you...Left leg now Ian.'' He held to his body steadily as he achieved the impossible, helping him sit in the bath with him. He made sure Ian's back was comfortably supported by his chest, opening his legs to let his boyfriend sit between them. He grabbed onto his blue loofah that was dangling from the tab, soaking it with the warm water and soap, gently rubbing it against Ian's back in circular motions. He washed him with so much care and love, never thinking he would ever feel so much gratefulness for someone.
Ian really was his everything.
The closeness of the situation must of have woken something up into Ian's chest, because it was not long after Mickey's delicate gestures that the redhead started to dive into his sadness, body shaking with whimpers.
Mickey, even though he couldn't see his face, knew from his first tremor that Ian was crying, dropping the loofah into the water and wrapping both his arms protectively around his stomach instead.
''Let it out baby. I'm right here.''
Ian's back slid against Mickey's chest so he could feel more comfortable, letting himself be held as he cried silent tears in his boyfriends arms. Mickey didn't speak as his own tears made their way into his blue spheres, keeping his grip around his boyfriends body and pressing his chin against the top of Ian's head.
There was nothing to say, because being there was enough.
That's all Ian needed.
And the first time it happened to Mickey, it was Ian's turn to hold him together -
The first thing Mickey did in the morning, was take his cell phone between his fingers to make his alarm clock shut up. He would usually drop it back on his nightstand, pressing snooze a few times before actually getting up, but this time would be different.
Indeed, when Mickey grabbed his phone that morning, the first thing he noticed was the date written in white on the quite cheesy background picture of Ian and him. He swallowed back the ball of emotion that was already forming in his throat, trying to focus on the multiple plans that he had scheduled for the day. Deep down though, he knew he wouldn't make it to any of those, because all he wanted to do at that very moment was to get out of bed and chug down a bottle of cheep whiskey hidden somewhere in their kitchen cupboards.
He glanced back at a sleeping Ian by his side, brushing his fingers slowly into his silky hair before getting out of bed. He slipped into the first pair of boxers he found, having no energy to start some laundry. He also grabbed an old tank-top from a pile on the ground, not hesitating long before slipping it on, ignoring the huge hole it had along his collarbone. He took a moment to stare at himself in the full length mirror he had bought a few weeks earlier for Ian, sighing in discuss at what he saw. The dark circles under his eyes were defined and the paleness of his face was sickening, realising that the large amount of stress he had been dealing with lately was slowly catching up on him and his health. He raised his middle finger in the air, giving himself an aching fuck you before exiting the silent bedroom, making sure to close the door behind him to avoid waking his boyfriend up with his soon to come madness.
He walked into the kitchen, frantically searching for the old bottle of liquor he had stored when they first moved into this little apartment. He was not paying much attention to the large amount of noise he was making, only thinking about his necessary need of chugging some strong booze. He sighed in relief when he finally found what he had been looking for, taking the cap of the bottle off before slipping it right between his plump lips, not caring to take a glass. He took three large sips, wincing lightly as the liquid crawled down his throat, burning his insides. Once he felt his ears buzzing, he walked to the living room, weight dropping on their old couch as he held onto the neck of the bottle for dear life.
This was the only thing that would help him get through this painful day.
He continued his self destructive behaviour for a whole hour, right until Ian woke up to an empty bed. Concerned by the lack of sound in their home, Ian had gotten out of his sleeping position quickly, slipping into his joggers before heading down the hallway. He got closer and closer to the living room, only seeing the silhouette of a man laying down on their couch. He frowned at the sight, getting closer to the scene.
That's when he noticed it...The almost empty bottle of whiskey.
He tried to cover his gasp, placing a hand instinctively in front of his mouth. This was not like Mickey at all. The boy used to drink a lot, almost all the time actually. But since things had gone downhill with Ian's emotions, he only drank a few beers per day.
This was something awfully different though. This was Mickey not feeling well and Ian knew that from the second he took a glimpse at the booze on their coffee table.
Ian slowly approached the older boy, kneeling down by the couch and slowly pressing a hand against Mickey's cheek. He swallowed back his nerves, trying to understand what was causing all of this sudden need to drink at 10 in the morning.
''Baby...Why are you not in bed?'' He asked at first, unsure of where he should start the conversation.
Mickey's eyes fluttered open, starring back at the redhead with a glossiness in his eyes that Ian had never seen before.
''Needed...A...Dri...Drink.'' Mickey hiccupped along the way, ocean spheres rolling in and out of his head. He was unable to focus on the boy kneeling in front of him, tiredness kicking in his scalp instead.
''I can see that...But did you need the whole bottle?'' Ian frowned, watching Mickey carefully as he fought to keep his eyes open.
He received a nod in response, which was honestly all Mickey could give him for the moment. The redhead offered him his hand in response, giving it a very light squeeze. He wanted his boyfriend to know that no matter what this was, he was going to be right there to hold onto him.
''Care to explain why?''
There was no frustration or anger in Ian's tone, only calmness and reassurance. Mickey had been there for him so many times in the past, he figured that it was only fair to deal with this calmly. It was the treatment he deserved, nothing less.
Ian smiled weakly as he noticed Mickey's lips part open, pressing a light kiss to his forehead as he rubbed his thumb affectionately over his sharp knuckles. He was waiting for an answer to his question, positive he was about to get one. Ian's face quickly changed when he heard Mickey gag instead, shooting himself sitting on the couch and pushing his face to the side as he heaved. Ian looked at him horrified for a split second, getting up on his feet and rushing to the kitchen as quickly as he could. He grabbed the first bowl he saw, not even thinking further before getting back to the living room to push it under Mickey's chin. Instants later, Mickey threw up, letting Ian rub circles into his back as he held his dark stack of thick hair away from his forehead.
''You're ok.'' Ian whispered as he bit on his bottom lip, knowing he had no right to complain about what was happening. Mickey had gone through hell so many times because of his shit, now it was his turn to help him deal with whatever crap he was dealing with.
Mickey's shoulders rolled in as he held onto the small bowl, knuckles turning white and hands shaking. He retched dryly after emptying the content of his stomach, letting his eyes fill with tears for the first time in ages. He set the disgusting mix as far of his as he could, starring back at Ian in utter humiliation.
''Le...Leave.'' Mickey asked with his broken voice as he slowly got back to his senses, unable to look into Ian's eyes as he felt a tear hang from the tip of his nose. The only thing he could dare stare at was the ground.
''No. I'm not fucking leaving you.'' Ian shook his head instantly, knowing from the way that Mickey's shoulder were shaking that he was holding back a lot of emotions. Feelings that he had probably kept silent for years. Bad things that had to come out of his system eventually.
Ian got slightly closer to Mickey on their couch, placing a hand on his thigh.
''Fucking leave me al...alone Ian!'' He shouted this time as his voice broke, shoving his leg away from him and crossing his hands over his chest, curling up into his own little ball of sadness.
''No fucking way. I'm not leaving you. Ever.'' Ian repeated, wrapping both his arms around Mickey strongly. He kept him locked against his chest, not caring how much he fought back.
He was not letting go.
And Mickey didn't fight.
Once Mickey felt Ian's body against him, he gave in, dropping his chin on Ian's shoulder. The redhead breathed out in relief, haven hoped dearly that Mickey would allow himself the right to feel. Ian breathed out his sent, holding onto his body with all of his strength.
''Let it out Mick...''
And that's exactly when it all hit Mickey at once. He fell into Ian's arms, clutching at his back with his shaking fingers and grabbing the material of his tee shirt between them. He started with a few whimpers, hiccupping into the crook of Ian's neck, but as he felt the younger boys touch, he quickly gave into loud sobs. His whole body was trembling violently at the powerfulness of all the emotions he had been keeping to himself.
''It fucking hurts!'' Mickey shouted through his heart wrenching cries, tears flowing down his cheeks uncontrollably. He tried biting onto the sleeve of Ian's shirt to block the intensity of his sobbing fit, but nothing worked, only finding himself feeling more helpless.
Ian only held him tighter, letting his own silent tears slip along his cheeks. He had never noticed before just how much pain Mickey had been keeping from him. The struggles they had gone through were extremely difficult and that was excluding every single thing Mickey had to go through on his own.
''I'm here...I'm right here. I'm so sorry it hurts that much... I love you...I love you.'' Ian repeated over and over again. He had no idea how to deal with something like this, since it had never been the other way around before. He just wanted Mickey to know how much he cared about him and how this scenery would change absolutely nothing towards the amount of love he had for him.
Mickey found himself crying for quite some time, losing consciousness of exactly how long his breakdown lasted. It's only when his breathing started to calm down and that his heart rate slowed, that he dared to look into his concerned boyfriends orbs.
''She...She died today. Twelve years ago.'' Mickey left another whimper escape his purple lips, letting the back of his hand slip along his nose and eyes, chasing his own tears away from his swollen face.
Ian understood in seconds, not needing further explanations. He had almost never heard Mickey talk about his mom, but he knew how much the women actually meant to him. When Ian had lost Monica, he had been sad for a while, not accepting the fact that the only person that actually got his bipolar disorder was gone. But with Mickey, it was different.
Mickey had found his mother on the ground in her bedroom when he was only 13. He was alone at home when it had happened and was the one to call the cops and hold his mother's still warm hand while the team of paramedics arrived. She had overdosed from pills, no longer capable of dealing with the extremely physically violent behaviour of her husband. Mickey had hated her for a while, blaming her of selfishness for leaving him and his siblings alone with the asshole that was Terry. But as time passed, he got older and understood how horrible of a life she had have. She had not only suffered depression during several years, but had to succumb the hits from an absolutely horrible human being for years, having her first child at the age of fourteen.
''Fuck Mick...I'm so sorry.'' He shook his head in discuss, cupping his face between his palms and rubbing both their noses together.
''I'm a mess...I'm such a fucking mess.'' Mickey allowed his face to drop back to the ground, unable to get enough courage to look into Ian's eyes.
''Hey...Look at me.''
Ian pressed a hand under Mickey's chin, slowly tilting his face upwards, wanting his to stare back into his spheres.
''You are no mess. Feelings make you real Mickey. They make you human. You have every right to be upset about your mom.'' Ian insists, rubbing little circles with his thumb across his cheekbone.
''I'm just so fucking tired you know?'' Mickey finally admits, knowing that his random fit was caused by multiple events adding up together.
''That's exactly why we're going to do absolutely nothing but cuddle today.''
''But Ian you're working later and I don't want to...''
''Shh...'' He cut him off, leaning in to press their lips together and keep him from talking non sense. ''I have a few more sick days left. Don't fight me with this, you aren't going to win.''
''Okay.'' Mickey sighed, having no energy left to debate. He wrapped his arms over his stomach and laid back down on the couch, pulling his knee's against his chest. ''Don't expect me to talk to you or anything though.''
''I couldn't care less. But remember that if ever you do want to speak, I'll be right there. Like you've always been for me.'' Ian positioned himself comfortably on the couch beside his boyfriend, pulling a small blanket over both their bodies and tangling their arms together.
''I'm sorry for being a burden.'' Mickey pushed his face in Ian's shoulder blade, trying to steal some of his warmth since his own body heat had vanished away with his tears.
''Pardon me?'' Ian's eyes grew wide, pushing his forehead against Mickey's as he whispered. ''Don't you ever dare say that Mickey. You've done more for me than I'll ever be able to do for you.''
Ian couldn't believe it. After all the amazing things Mickey had done for him, over and over again, the boy still found away to see his person as a piece of Southside trash. But he was so much more than that. He wished he could see himself with his eyes, so that he could finally understand how perfect he actually is.
''Because I'm fucking terrified of losing you Ian.'' Mickey asked, blinking his long eyelashes a few times to get the last of his silent tears away from the corner of his orbs.
''Hey...''
''What?''
''You're never fucking losing me. You're going to have to get that engraved in your mind baby because you're stuck with me forever.''
With those soothing words, Mickey intertwined their fingers, trying to focus on Ian's breathtaking eyes.
''So we're stuck with each other?'' Mickey asked, knowing exactly the answer he wanted to hear.
Ian gave him a nod, bringing Mickey's hand to his lips and pressing a delicate kiss against the soft skin.
''Through sickness and health and all that shit?''
''Especially through all that shit.'' Ian laughed, melting into their heart warming embrace.
''That's all I need.''
''Ian and Mickey against the world right?''
''Ian and Mickey against the world.''
Mickey repeated the beautiful words of his loving boyfriend, closing his eyes gently as he listened to his favourite sound in the entire universe - Ian's heartbeat.