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My boots shine like new again. My trousers are pressed to perfection. I see myself in the mirror.
I conclude with satisfaction that the iron discipline at the military academy has done a good job for me. My body is well proportioned. I know that my condition is good and I also keep it up to date. "Take care of yourself, Oskar," I hear my father say. Although I hate my father, I have taken this advice to heart. And it certainly didn’t do me any harm.
I have no respect for the fact that most officers no longer show any form of discipline. I regularly see them sitting in the most expensive hotels and restaurants in London, feasting on the most luxurious snacks and drinks.
What did I say to you, Archer, that first night I met you? "I haven’t the slightest intention to spend the evening with officers and their overdressed women." Fat and flabby they are. Just like pigs.
I look again at my reflection. I also see a body that has never experienced the feeling of being loved by someone. I never needed it. My career was important. Everything had to give way, even love.
But do I actually know what love is? I secretly hoped that you could give me the answer. My stupid drunken action has messed up everything.
I miss you, Archer. I want you to love me. To let your hands move slowly, very slowly, over my body and caress my nipples until they are stiff. Then your hands will find your way down, towards my waistband. And I imagine that you tenderly kiss my earlobe, then my cheekbone and finally my mouth. That thought excites me and a warm, tingling sensation pulls in my lower body together. I close my eyes and I can´t suppress a groan.....
A knock on the door wakes me roughly up from my dreams. Fortunately, I have locked the door.
"Standartenführer, are you ready?" The voice of Hausser sounds. "In a moment," I reply and I hear Haussers footsteps move away again.
I look at myself and I see that I’m wet from my own lust. I clean myself hastily and continue dressing. I take my shirt.
The memory of that drunken night suddenly overtakes me. What has moved me to offer you a job? Yes, I wanted to bring you and your son to safety. Far away from Mayhew. But is that the only reason? No, I longed for contact, physical contact. I wanted to feel if I still knew what a touch was. And that's why I stroked you. Your beautiful face, your arm and your chest. I desperately wanted your attention, a look of comfort and convenience. But that look in your eyes ... so full of disgust ...I can hardly stand it when I think about it again.
My eyes burn and suddenly I feel intensely sad. Somehow I can understand that you turned down my offer but deep inside I feel dull and dejected.
I now wish I had never made that offer. How do you look at me now? I think you should hate me more than you did before. After all, I am the enemy in your occupied country.
I have to expose Mayhew. I must show you that you are wrong, that you are used as a pawn in a big chess game. Hopefully you will come back to me.
I put on my uniform tunic. Each button in place, the collar neatly folded as it should be. My iron cross medal on the right place at the collar.
Then I put on my leather overcoat and carefully close it. I put my cap on and check myself for the last time in the mirror. I see the dreaded Standartenführer Dr. Oskar Huth again, brutal and efficient. My face gets the harsh, cold expression that makes people move back.
My cane is on the table, along with the other stuff. I call Hausser; he takes everything with him and I look at my office.
It looks eerily neat and tidy. Suddenly I get the cold feeling that I will never return here anymore. It gives me chills….
I look around one last time, close the door and leave.