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The third time you meet Rose Lalonde, you are barely five and she is nearly six. You feel as though your breath has been stolen, but she talks enough for both of you. She points out which classmates to stay away from and why – the boy scribbling on the table clearly has a problem with authority, the girl playing with the blocks must be an only child because she refuses to share, and the boy eating paste is, well, just weird. She tells you about her cat Jaspers and how much she adores him. She says she loves the night sky. You tell her about the stars and their patterns – “constellations,” you say, trying and failing to hide how proud you are to know the word.
She mentions that she has a telescope and asks if you would like to see it.
You say yes.
-
When you are both thirteen, you recall how dumbstruck you were. She laughs and admits that she felt the same and tried to cover it up with large words. She says she wanted to impress you, just like she wanted to the first time. She nudges her forehead against yours and whispers that she thinks you’re meant to be.
-
They tell you it's a phase. They tell you it's wrong, but you'll grow out of it. They watch you hold hands with disgust on their faces and anger in their jawlines. You keep your eyes on her and your hand firmly in hers.
-
When you are fifteen and she is sixteen, you give yourselves to each other. It's just like you remember the first time.
-
Your classmates find you as she's walking you home. She sees how many there are and shifts so you're behind her. They force their way through and hold you back anyway.
They start to hit, and they don't stop.
You watch them kill her.
*
The fifth time you meet Rose Lalonde, you are in Germany, and you have her for two months, two weeks, and four days.
When she finds you, she bursts into tears. She tells you what she learned from history classes. You believe her, but it doesn't sink in until you read the headline on the third newspaper.
-
You scream at them when they attack an elderly man.
They take you away. You don't see her again.
*
Almost always, you don't meet her at all. Like clockwork, you remember everything the year you are thirteen, always on the twelfth of June. You've lost count of how many times you've searched for her. You circle each other, just out of reach.
-
You incorporate flowers into your designs. You grow roses in your gardens and pin them to your hats. In more than one image of her, you've spotted her with a Virgo symbol looped around her neck. One time – and you always smile when you remember – she wrote a series that became very popular. She capitalized the first letter of every word for one of her characters.
-
Once, you found Dave, nine years older than you. He was looking for someone else. Neither of you had answers.
He had crashed at your place for exactly one week and three days before leaving a note and moving on. You remembered how restless he always was. You missed the small part of Rose you saw in him.
-
You can count on one hand how many times you've found her. Every time you meet, something goes wrong. In the bad days after you've lost her, you wonder if you'd rather not find her at all than lose her and feel this way.
You never really stick around for more than a week.
*
*
The first time you meet Rose Lalonde, you are both thirteen. She is cunning and rebellion, sass and intelligence, and more than slightly full of herself. You are in love before you even see her face.
-
Both of you fall and both of you rise. You meet in the glow of green flames. She smiles at you, and that alone convinces you to stay.
-
You decide she is more subdued in person, though you suspect this has something to do with her human mother. You decide she is definitely the most amazing girl you've ever met.
-
She kisses you.
-
You kiss her back.
-
You recognize the confidence and the pride for the ruse it is – it's a dam holding back her doubt and self-loathing.
You hold her at night and whisper in her ear.
-
You probably should have asked Dave more about this human soporific. You probably should have paid more attention when she started waking up and pouring herself a drink instead of coffee. You probably should've insisted she talk to you.
You probably should have done a lot of things.
-
You keep finding her drunk. She laughs and laughs. Your heart sinks.
-
You don't know what to do.
-
You fight, and you talk, and you make up. You stand hand in hand at the end, waiting for the beginning. You gently bump your forehead against hers. You promise, not with words this time, not to leave each other.
*
*
*
The sixth time you meet Rose Lalonde, you are immersed in a book you know she'd like, and she is a surprise in the dead of winter.
She slams her hands on the glass of the coffee shop, a dim thud softened by her mittens. You stand abruptly, shocked. She mouths your name. You stare.
And you think – you think – this time might be right.