Chapter Text
The cold salt breeze blows over me. The sea spray falls on me, every drop a diamond on my red pelt. In the distance a gull calls for its flock. The waves, gentle today, rock my little boat. I crane my neck, peering over the cabin roof at a lone lighthouse that stands on a faraway rock. I don't know what waits for me on the shore, but I- BANG. What the hell was that?! I can't have run aground this far from shore, there are no rocks out here, and I'm still mo- BANG.
"FUCK!" I shriek, falling out of my hammock. I feel around me, grasping at anything within reach. Glasses... I need my glasses. Everything's shaking. Cheese and rice, I didn't think this city had earthquakes. Oh shit, oh shit, all I see is flickering orange, something's on fire. I need to get out of here. I have my glasses. I need to... there's no fire in here. Oh thank goodness. It's outside. I look out a window. Cars are driving by as if nothing's happening, why is... why is everything leaning? Oh shit... OH SHIT.
I open a rear door and nearly fall out of the old, blue-grey van I've called home for almost a year. In my boxers, no less. At least I don't have neighbors to worry offend, just, you know... an entire city. "STOP! STOP! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" A donkey in coveralls and a lemming in a cheap suit stare back at me, startled. The donkey has his hooves on the controls of a tow truck, and the tow truck has its hooks on my GODDAMN VAN. "Wha-WHAT THE HELL! I PAID FOR A PASS!"
The lemming clears his throat and waves a clipboard at me. "Sir, I must inform you of an outstanding parking fine that has been turned over to-"
"No. NO, I spoke with parking enforcement, we set up a payment plan! I've been making my payments, who the hell-"
"IF I MAY, the fine is now over one hundred and eighty days old, and the city has transferred the debt to ZooPark Incorporated," he squeaks. "Your vehicle will be impounded until your fine is paid along with interest and storage fees. For every week in impound, an additional five dollars will be added to your-"
"What the HELL are you talking about?! Transferred, my ass! I've been making my payments! And you expect me to pay you more to hold onto my van after you've fucking stolen it?!"
"Sir, there is no need for that sort of language. I will need your name and signature on this form stating that we have taken possession of the vehicle and that you agree to pay the amount of your fine and any accrued fees."
"Yeah, what if I don't sign it? What if I call the cops on your hustle, here?"
"The police are already here, sir, to supervise."
I turn around to see two uniformed officers staring back at me, a sheep and a wolf, with a look about them that tells me they're just waiting for me to make a move. Not likely. I know I'm no fighter.
The lemming clears his throat again. "If you do not pay your fine within sixty days, a lien will be placed on the vehicle. After one hundred and fifty days, ZooPark will auction the vehicle and the proceeds will be applied to your debt. Please sign the form, sir."
I'm... I'm getting dizzy. This can't be happening. And if it is happening, it's got to be a joke. Somebody's set me up. "Harry? Harry, you can come out now, it's... it's not funny anymore. I..."
"This isn't a prank, sir. Please sign."
"No... no, this is theft, it's goddamn theft! How do you get away with this?! How much money did you pay your puppets on city council, huh? How many of them are in your pocket, man? You're stealing my van, my fucking home, and you expect me, you actually expect me to play along with it? If I could pay you the fine right now I would, but I don't have a lot of money, THAT'S WHY I LIVE IN THE VAN!" I must have taken one step too close, because now I've got hooves and paws all over me. "WHAT THE- COME ON, THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"Look, pal, we're just doin' our job. Now do you wanna sign it, or do you wanna spend your night in a holding cell?" This fucking wolf. Damn traitor, throwing his lot in with the ZPD, as if it's not hard enough out here. What, you think I believe the ZPD has a history of unfair treatment towards predators? You think I actually believe there's an ingrained culture of discrimination among Zootopia's finest? You'd be right, I absolutely believe that. They also hate semi-unemployed comedians who live in vans, but that's beside the point.
After they forced me to sign, they were at least kind enough to let me grab what I could carry. I crammed my gym bag full of the essentials. Clothes, obviously. Might as well throw some of those on before they tack on indecent exposure or something. Toothbrush, toothpaste, towel, soap. Shitty spare pair of glasses, shitty phone, shitty laptop with a bad battery. Matches, bag of tobacco, pi... ugh, pipe. I feel like such an asshole just for owning it. Anyone with a brain would have quit smoking if they couldn't afford cigarettes. But I don't have a brain, that's part of why I went to art school.
I don't cry as I watch them drag my home away, down the street to who-knows-where. Really, I don't. I'm still too angry. While I walk to see Harry at his night job, that's when I cry. A lot. Holy cheese and rice do I cry, and not like a kit, like a grown goddamn polecat. I don't even care about the assholes staring at me. Get a good look, you fuckers, you don't get to see a man cry often. Behold it.
I manage to pull myself together by the time I get to Electric Embryo. The bell rings as I open the door, startling Harry off his stool. The tubby raccoon I call friend scrambles to his feet, trying to look busy. "Chill, dude, it's me."
"Holy shit, Reese, you scared the crap outta me. What're you doing here this early? The new BEEST album doesn't ship til next week." He squints, taking a second look at me. "Damn, dude. You look like shit. You okay?"
"No. No, I'm not okay, and I don't think I'll be okay for a very long time."
He steps down from the register and puts a paw on my shoulder. "It's cool, man. What happened?"
"My van's been to- fucking stolen, that's what."
"That creepy fucking thing?! Who the hell would want tha-" he catches himself. Clearly, I want it, or I wouldn't be so broken up.
"The city sold my parking fines to some crooked fucking business, and they towed it, almost with me still in it."
"Didn't you get on some payment plan?"
I throw my paws up in the air. "Yeah. I did. Doesn't matter to them, and apparently it doesn't matter to fucking city hall. Now I'm gonna have to pay interest and storage on top of it, not even considering how much else they've probably tacked on already." I drop down, sitting on the beaten rug between two racks of records. "I can't get a night job. I can't fucking stand being around mammals that long, I get... fuck, you know what happens."
"Yeah, I remember that. Even I stay away from that Bug Burga, they know my face now." Harry sits down beside me, thinking. "Well. At least you've got this morning's show."
For a moment, I just nod, trying to focus on the positi- wait. "What? What show?"
"Dude, the open mic this morning. Latrice had it but she left, she's opening for Debra DiGiovaca on her new tour. I told you about it last week."
I think back, desperately trying to recall something. "I don't re- wait, DiGiovaca? Seriously? Holy shit. Wait, you never told me anything about that!" When he's not sitting on his ass in the record store, Harry's also a comedian. We met at an open-mic, and laughed drunkenly at each other's jokes for what felt like hours. Now, when he's not working or performing, though, Harry's a huge niphead. It's what gave him his statuesque figure and it's what I'm choosing to blame for his forgetfulness at this moment.
"Shit. I thought I did. Well, I talked Gary into it, and he agreed to give you a shot at hosting the open mic today. With Latrice gone we need another regular, and I told him you really needed the money. I, uh... I told him you were living like a hobo in a dirty old fish van."
I'm not sure whether to kiss this fat fuck for getting me a real gig or kick him in the jeans for insulting my castle. Wound's still really fresh, I'm kinda touchy. "Wow. I am so glad I came here. You've saved my life, you goddamn idiot, you know that?" Five minutes ago I was bawling my eyes out, and now I'm smiling. "I should really kick your ass for not telling me sooner, but I have more important shit to worry about."
We shoot the shit until morning, when he closes up shop and we make our way to Giggles & Co, probably the best club in our part of town. That's not saying much, really, but away from Pack Street, you won't find many clubs that lean more towards a predator sense of humor, not to mention sleep schedule. Gary lets us in, and he gives me a look. I know what that look is, it's a 'better not make me regret this' look. Gary's a dick. He knows what he's doing, though, and that's what matters. All I've got to do is a few minutes and some introductions. Here come my nerves... by the power of cheap red wine, I will get through this.
"Thank you for coming to Giggles, we know you have better things you could be doing, but we appreciate you wasting your time with us. Let me start off by saying you're a lovely crowd and I adore each and every one of you, now does anyone have a couch I can sleep on?" Pause. A few laughs, not bad. "No? No? You, in the back? Okay, good. I want you to know I had a set planned for this morning, but instead of that, I'm just gonna tell you all about my night, how's that sound? Anyone have a rough night? Yeah? Well I promise, this is gonna make you feel so much better."
"So I moved to this city about a year ago, and holy shit I hate it here." A few playful boos. I think they're playful, anyway. Nobody's thrown anything, at least. "Don't get me wrong, I hated it where I used to live, too, just for different reasons. It sucked there. At least here there are things to do." A chuckle. "For the past year I've been living in a van. That's not a joke. THAT'S NOT THE JOKE, STOP LAUGHING!" Maybe I had one glass too many already, but I think they liked that. "Really, I've been living in a van. Any of you have apartments? Yeah? Good, keep it- keep that up."
Pause for a sip. "There are certain things you don't have to worry about when you live in a van. Normal things mammals deal with, you know, like neighbors, water bills, or having to buy condoms. Yeah, it should go without saying that I never brought a girl back to my van for a little lovin'." Let the noise die down. "But there are different things you don't have to worry about when you live in an apartment. For example, have any of you ever had your APARTMENT TOWED? BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MY NIGHT STARTED. At first I was sad that my home, my things, all of it is sitting in an impound lot somewhere in the city. But ironically, that means I'm the most fuckable I've been since I got here, so I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT TODAY!"
A few rude gestures for comedic effect and it's go time. "Folks, we've got a lot of really funny mammals here tonight, but as a warning I'll be back out a few times in-between, so please stay at your tables and just... I guess go to the bar whenever you see me, that'll kill some time." I pull out my notes. "Please welcome our first guest of the morning, SANDRA HENDRICK!"
As dawn breaks, I follow Harry to his apartment. He was kind enough to volunteer his couch. Insistent, even. I glance toward the rising sun and sigh. Cheese and rice, I hate this city.