Chapter Text
“You need to learn Occlumency,” Newman, his trainer, informed him firmly, stance suggesting Harry not argue.
“No.” Harry knew saying no to his superior was never a good idea. This was the person who held his entire future in their hands. If he wanted to become an Auror, then he needed her seal of approval. When Newman arched her brows incredulously, he rushed to explain.
“Is there another way? I tried learning Occlumency as a teenager and it was a total disaster.”
Newman wasn’t one for being polite when she didn’t have to be. So, when she looked at him in annoyance, Harry wasn’t even surprised.
“Potter,” she began, sigh coming out in frustration. “Your test scores are some of the highest the Ministry has ever seen. Your marks in defense are excellent, your charms are superb, transfiguration was a surprise—but you manage it well, and even your potions are passable.” Harry winced at the last one, he knew that his potion skills weren’t the best, but it was definitely better than it used to be. Snape could take that to the grave and shove it.
“Curse breaking is something you picked up well, countering dark magic was a breeze, translating runes seems to be something you could do as a fallback if you ever change your mind about becoming an Auror. Every test I give you, you always manage to surprise me.” Harry just knew there was more coming. Newman wasn’t the kind of person to say positive things without adding an insult somewhere.
“But.” He sighed heavily when she continued. “None of this will mean anything if you can’t protect your mind.”
When he opened his mouth to argue, Newman barreled forward—not giving him a single inch.
“If you get captured at any point during a mission, you are a liability if your mind is open. Occlumency is vital. Do you have any idea of the clearance an Auror is granted? Or the secrets that you are trusted with? Occlumency is an Aurors greatest defense.”
Harry sighed as he tried not to look too pleading, he knew she was right—knew that Occlumency was a needed skill, but— “I’ve tried learning it on my own. I’ve read the theories, practiced the calming methods, but it just doesn’t work.”
Newman shrugged in an uncaring manner. “I cannot sign off on anything past this. If you can’t learn Occlumency, then you can’t become an Auror.”
No. All of this couldn’t be for nothing. Harry hadn’t spent so much time proving himself, proving that he was more than just a famous name for all of this to go to shite. “This can’t be the end.” He wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or to himself. Either way, the sentiment was the same.
Harry bit his lip as he tried to find a solution. “Could you teach me? I’ll stay after training or come in on my days off.” Desperation was bleeding through, but he wanted her to understand just what this meant to him.
Newman smiled slightly before shaking her head. “I’m not qualified to teach Occlumency. Not just anyone can teach the subject. Same as any professor or instructor.”
Before his shoulders slumped too much past pathetic, Newman hummed thoughtfully. “Although, I do believe I know someone who can help you.”
Harry snapped his head up quickly, hope clawing at his throat. Anyone. He would take anyone.
“He typically doesn’t teach Occlumency often, mainly teaches a wide variety of other skills when the Ministry leases him.” There was an odd pause as she looked at him expectantly. “I can’t guarantee he will teach you, especially with your… past.”
There was amusement in her eyes and it had Harry wondering who she could be talking about. It wasn’t until he was going to cave and ask who she meant, that it made sense. He smacked his face, wondering if he could do this.
“You don’t mean Malfoy, do you?” The man was a freelance specialist that was hired by the Ministry to teach at seminars or special classes when certain skills were requested. They had crossed paths quite a few times, but it was never more than a few words or polite nods—especially outside of the Ministry or when it involved Teddy.
Newman laughed in delight and not for the first time, he wondered why the Ministry would hire such a sadistic person.
Harry paused in front of Malfoy’s office wondering if he could do this. It wasn’t that he thought Malfoy would be a bad teacher, it was just Occlumency in general that was the issue—although, would Malfoy be any good at it? Surely, there was some kind of resentment somewhere inside of Malfoy.
There weren’t any positive emotions whatsoever when he thought of Occlumency. Snape may have had his reasons for behaving the way he did over the years, but Harry would never be able to get past the feeling of his mind being violated by the harshness of Legilimency. Just the thought of being so vulnerable and open had his stomach rolling.
With a baited breath, Harry knocked on the door sharply.
“If you are from the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, bugger off.”
Harry blinked rapidly, unsure of what that department could have done to anger Malfoy so much.
“If you are going to waste my time, bugger off. Actually—whoever you are, bugger off.”
Harry couldn’t help but laugh in surprise as pushed open the door. It would seem that Malfoy held the same personality as before, just a little more vocal. As he walked in, Harry took in the pure chaos that was everywhere. He had always assumed that Malfoy would be rigid in his cleanliness as well as his daily life—but clearly, that had been a false assumption. Folders were placed randomly, parchment strewn across every flat surface and quills were floating in odd spots around the room. It was an utter disaster, but it had Harry relaxing immediately. There was something welcoming about someone else’s chaos that made his own seem acceptable.
Malfoy was reading over a folder, hair loosely tied at the nape, strands falling forward as he waved distractedly towards a chair in front of his desk. Harry picked up discarded books that had been thrown on the chair in amusement as he sat down and waited for him to finish what he was doing.
Usually, patience wasn’t Harry’s strong suit, but as he looked at Malfoy—taking in the relaxed posture, he didn’t mind being kept waiting. Harry had never been granted the time to really take in Malfoy’s features—not up close and certainly not with this kind of attention.
Sharp grey eyes were moving rapidly as they read over the parchment, tongue slightly poked out as if that would help concentration, and a slight furrowing of brows showcasing Malfoy’s dislike over the words written.
Without a need to speak up, there was something fascinating about Malfoy. Harry couldn’t pinpoint what it was that drew his attention, but he was finding himself intrigued.
When Malfoy sighed heavily, throwing the folder down with way more effort than was necessary, Harry sat up straighter. When their eyes met, he watched in amusement as they widened.
A brief silence settled around the room, as if it were a challenge to see who could stay silent the longest.
“You certainly aren’t my 12 o’clock.”
Harry shook his head, hair moving into his eyes with the movement. “No, sorry.” He bit his lip before deciding to just be blunt. “Newman said that you might be able to help me.”
Malfoy arched a lone brow before leaning forward and placing his hands under his chin. “I have a tough time believing you aren’t grasping your Auror training.”
There were a few things Harry wanted to say to that, but the only thing his mind could focus on was— “Is that a compliment?” This was not turning out at all as he had foreseen.
When Malfoy let out a small chuckle, Harry couldn’t help but lean back and look around, hoping to find an explanation somewhere. Perhaps a bold sign stating that a confundus charm had been placed recently?
“I could always insult you, if that is preferable?” offered Malfoy, teasing smirk distracting Harry completely. “My memory is pretty good, and I am sure there are a few insults of our youth that could work.”
Sneers, insults, and glares were something Harry could handle—those were to be expected. Teasing, however, wasn’t on that list. Just who was this imposter and where was the brooding and moody Malfoy that he had expected?
“We must have vastly different memories. I can’t remember a single insult of yours that was good.” When in doubt, Harry relied on sass. Screw flattery, sarcasm, and sass will get one anywhere.
Malfoy shook his head, lips twitching slightly. “What are you here for, Potter?” There was an almost pleasant edge to his tone and it was freaking Harry out. Was this a new tactic? Be nice until it drives someone insane?
Harry looked down at his fingers, wishing that this wasn’t so hard. “Newman said that if I can’t get Occlumency down, then being an Auror is off the table.” He sighed a little desperately, trying not to let his displeasure show as his eyes remained trained on his hands.
“You need me to teach you Occlumency?” It was stated as a fact, but Harry nodded anyways, not trusting his voice. “Most Aurors learn Occlumency during the first few years of training. Why are you just now trying to learn?” There was no censure in his tone, just a flat statement—almost as if Malfoy was only curious.
Harry winced slightly, not wanting to admit that he had skipped those lessons, not speaking up when the past instructors asked if everyone was okay to move on. “I listened to their methods, but I couldn’t do it. Not that way, and certainly not in a classroom setting.” He wished Occlumency wasn’t so hard for his mind to grasp. Allowing anyone inside his mind was too personal. Most days Harry didn’t want to be in his own head, let alone allow someone else to see what was there.
“I’ve done so much to get here,” whispered Harry, eyes closing tightly. “I’ve pushed myself past many personal boundaries to get it all right. But Occlumency is the one thing I never thought I would have to see again. I just—” Harry trailed off, words failing him. Just talking about it was making him feel vulnerable.
Malfoy cleared his throat, forcing Harry to look up at him. There was a calculating gleam in sharp eyes and it had Harry shifting a little nervously.
“Explain. Have you had a past teacher when it came to Occlumency?”
Harry bit his lip, not wanting to talk about his past lessons. The indecision must have shown on his face, because Malfoy shook his head in exasperation.
“I can’t teach you a single thing if you aren’t upfront. Occlumency isn’t a simple charm or frivolous spell. The mind is a dangerous thing to mess with.”
Despite the tone being hard, Harry knew that Malfoy was right. If he did decide to help him, then it would be unwise to hide things.
“In my fifth year,” Harry began voice barely reaching above a whisper and eyes downcast once more. “Snape was ordered to teach me.”
“No,” Malfoy uttered, voice betraying a sadness that Harry had never expected. It caused him to look up curiously.
“His method in handling Occlumency was the same as inside his classroom?” Again, it was stated as a fact, but Harry nodded regardless.
Malfoy closed his eyes briefly. “Potter, what do you know about Occlumency?”
The question had Harry huffing a little as he cocked his head to the side. “Occlumency is a skill used to protect the mind from Legilimency.”
Malfoy conceded this with a nod. “What else?”
The question had Harry furrowing his brows. “Is there anything else?”
By the exasperation on Malfoy’s face, Harry knew he answered incorrectly.
“Potter, have you ever fought someone else’s magic internally? Foreign or unwelcome?”
Quite a few bad memories floated up—his first instinct was to think of Voldemort’s attacks, the Horcruxes, and even the possession attempt during his fifth year. “Yes.”
Malfoy hummed thoughtfully. “What was it like when the magic entered you or your awareness?”
Harry wasn’t sure where Malfoy was taking this, but could tell that there was some kind of point somewhere. He thought long and hard, trying to recall what it all felt like.
“Invasion. I felt like I was being invaded. Their magic was harsh, bitter and very clearly not my own.” Voldemort’s presence had been unwelcome and easily detected.
When Malfoy arched an expectant brow, Harry let out a huff of frustration. “But what does that have to do with Occlumency?”
Malfoy pinched the bridge of his nose. “Take the Imperius curse for example. One must have intent when casting the spell. If the intent behind the spell isn’t there, then the victim won’t do one’s bidding.” Harry nodded, knowing this already.
“The Imperius curse invades someone’s mind and makes everything else disappear. It makes the victim susceptible to anything that the caster wishes.” Malfoy paused, allowing Harry the time to recall what it felt like the few times he was on the receiving end of the spell. A floating sensation had been what stood out to him the most—a lack of responsibility and the desire to want to do the other person’s bidding.
“That right there is a form of Legilimency,” Malfoy informed him seriously, eyes watching Harry intently.
Harry blinked rapidly at Malfoy before he gestured for an explanation.
“Legilimency navigates many complex layers of someone’s mind, depending on the skill level of the person involved, it can find any secret in just a few seconds. It can crack open years of repressed feelings, emotions or even dreams. Legilimency can leave a victim open, vulnerable and completely bare.” Every word Malfoy spoke had Harry feeling uncomfortable. He already knew this, this was why he hated Occlumency, because Legilimency played such an important part in the lessons.
“But it can also manifest in subtler ways. Legilimency doesn’t have to be used in a straightforward manner. When I compare it to the Imperius curse, I am not implying that the curse could somehow see into the victim’s mind as normal Legilimency can. But the ability to control the will of another being is a byproduct of Legilimency. An unprotected mind is susceptible to all kinds of other magic.”
Harry’s brows furrowed as he let the new information sink in. “So, the Imperius curse is a spell that has its own classification, but also showcases a different kind of Legilimency?”
Malfoy nodded once. “Occlumency can prevent someone from being susceptible to the Imperius curse—and many others.”
That had Harry shaking his head a few times. “But I’ve always had an easier time throwing off the Imperius curse. Even when I was first introduced to it. If I can shake that off, why could I never get Occlumency?”
At first, Harry wondered if he was just not understanding, but his question had a small satisfied smirk forming on Malfoy’s face.
“Because it’s a different kind of Legilimency. The Imperius curse isn’t as direct or straightforward. The way it enters the mind is different than Legilimency and far subtler. Throwing off the curse is similar, but not an absolute. It is entirely possible to be good at one and not the other.”
It wasn’t until Harry slumped in defeat that Malfoy let out a small chuckle. “I’m not implying that you can’t learn both. Just showing you why it’s possible that it doesn’t automatically click.”
Harry sighed heavily. “If I can understand Occlumency, then I could withstand more curses?”
“Oh, yes,” Malfoy breathed, long hair moving with the motion of his nodding head. “Learning to protect the mind has advantages far greater than just Legilimency.”
If he hadn’t already been forced to learn Occlumency, that alone would have really sold him on it. Harry prided himself on his abilities as a duelist and if Occlumency could help in any way, why wouldn’t he learn?
“Will you teach me?” Harry asked as he tried not to come off as too pleading.
Malfoy regarded him seriously for quite some time. Harry wasn’t sure what was going on in his mind, wasn’t sure what the criteria for taking on a student would be.
“No.”
Harry’s breath left him as he closed his eyes and clenched his fists. “Is it our past? I would like to think that we both have grown up since Hogwarts. I certainly don’t regard you in any kind of negative light.” Sure, Malfoy was still a little bit of a bastard, but Harry was beginning to think it was apart of Malfoy’s personality. If he hadn’t seen first hand how Malfoy teaches others and instructs the Ministry members, he might have been more wary or quick to assume—but things were different than when they were children.
Malfoy rolled his eyes. “As good as that is to know, Potter, that isn’t what I meant.” The reassurance didn’t help anything, only made anger start to build up.
“Then why?” Harry couldn’t keep his upset out of his tone. Was it something petty? What could be the issue?
“Do you understand the concept of consent?”
The question threw Harry for a loop—he blinked rapidly, not understanding where this was going in the slightest.
“Sexual consent?”
Malfoy smirked before glancing away. “That is one type of consent, sure, but consent is more than just sexual.”
Before Harry could explain that he wasn’t stupid, and of course he knew that consent was more than just sexual, Malfoy continued right on.
“Teaching Occlumency requires trust. Not just a small amount either, you would have to trust that what I may see inside your mind would never be used against you. Teaching Occlumency is personal and can be intimate. You would be allowing me into your mind and trusting that I will guide you in a conclusive and healthy manner.” Malfoy paused, biting his lip in a way that had Harry wishing it wasn’t distracting.
“The wrong teacher in Occlumency can be the difference in not understanding the craft and completely creating a disassociation with it. The mind isn’t something one should mess with. Even a positive atmosphere without the proper understanding of the subject could be devastating.”
Every word Malfoy spoke had Harry seriously regretting ever wanting to learn Occlumency.
“Can you truly consent, Potter? Can you grant me entrance into your mind? I would never willingly unearth things in a malicious intent, but I can’t promise you that those things would stay hidden from me. Legilimency was designed to break open the mind, things don’t stay a secret with all walls of security gone. Despite that Legilimency is used as a weapon to counter something such as consent, I refuse to teach that way. I cannot comfortably teach you if you don’t properly understand what you are asking of me.”
Harry let out a shaky breath as he thought it over. Saying yes and meaning it were two different things. There was a difference in dubiously learning Occlumency because he had to for his training, and actually wanting to learn for himself. If he was going to go through with this, then it would have to mean something more than just duty, or he would never see past being assigned to do it.
“And if you found things that I would rather stay hidden?” Harry asked, needing to know the answer. He was well aware he had a lot of baggage and many things that needed to be worked on, however, that didn’t mean Harry wanted anyone to see them.
Malfoy leaned forward, eyes searching Harry’s intently. “They would stay between the two of us. If I taught you, I would sign a magical contract stating that I would do nothing with the information that transpired from the lessons. But Potter, I worry that emotions would be too high. There is a lot of our past that is nothing but negative—memories that are brought forth can be at random, there is no saying it won’t be bad ones. Can you truly be calm in the face of a bad memory? Even if I were that memory?”
The question wasn’t one without merit, Harry could understand the hesitance, but he was fairly certain that it was moot. Sure, they had a past, but it was nothing compared to his actual nightmares.
“I promise you that my bad memories don’t include you.”
It was clear that Malfoy didn’t understand by the way he tilted his head back and his brows furrowed harshly. Harry wasn’t sure how to explain that a school bully paled in comparison to everything else that had gone wrong in his life. There weren’t fond memories of Malfoy, but there certainly weren’t any memories that would make him overly angry or emotional. He had long ago put things behind him—he had to, especially when harsher issues needed to be coped with.
“What you have to understand is that my bad memories are the war, deaths and the people that were lost early on,” Harry whispered, eyes falling to the desk. “My bad memories are of a man so cruel that common sense had evaporated in his actions. My bad memories are the nightmares that I can’t seem to shake. My bad memories aren’t of you, Malfoy.”
Malfoy let out a shaky breath, the sound causing Harry to look up. “I wish I could say the same.”
Harry brows knitted before he understood. He may have been able to look past their school years, but it would seem that Malfoy hadn’t, at least not fully. Although, Malfoy had never tried to kill him. That would be a strong memory.
When Harry opened his mouth, unsure of what to say, Malfoy held up a hand.
“I don’t want an apology or a fumbled excuse, not when my own actions were inexcusable.” Malfoy ran his fingers through the ends of his hair. “I have done awful things in my life, and at some point justice catches up.”
Harry briefly wondered if Malfoy was talking about the short imprisonment the Wizengamot had sentenced Malfoy to after the war.
“I was plotting murder at sixteen. If justice came in the form of an unintentional curse, then so be it.”
Horror filled Harry as he shook his head rapidly. “No. That’s not what that was. I was a stupid teenager who used a curse without knowing what it did. That’s on me, Malfoy, not you. I almost killed you. That day was horrible for me, but I can’t imagine what it would have been like for you.” Perhaps he had spoken too soon. Maybe that memory was one of Harry’s bad ones.
“I almost killed other students—one of them being your best friend—whether it had been intentional or not,” Malfoy argued, eyes pleading for Harry to understand. “Regardless of whether you meant to harm me, it was still justice in a way. It led to an awakening. What I was doing was wrong and that was the first time in my life that my actions led to consequences.”
Harry, not in complete agreement, but also not fully realizing whatever it was that Malfoy was trying to tell him. “Are you saying no for me, or because of you?”
The question had Malfoy biting his lip for a moment. “Originally, it was for you. But of course, you have looked past our old issues. I think I am saying no for me. My kind of teaching is something that goes in depth. You would have access to my mind during certain lessons. I don’t know what it would be like, should one of my memories come forward.”
Harry looked at Malfoy closely, taking in the uncomfortable aura and the way his shoulders were tense. “If you aren’t comfortable with this, then I won’t ask you to teach me.” He whispered, realizing just how important consent was when it came to Occlumency. “This whole time I thought that it would be me that would be violated when it came to the Legilimency portions of the lessons—but I never stopped to think of what it would be like for the person doing the charms either.”
Malfoy cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowing in thought. “I would never violate your mind, Potter. Sure, some memories may feel like that, but we would be actively keeping your mind protected. Every memory that floats up is a fraction compared to what doesn’t come forward. Occlumency, even performed poorly, will keep most of your mind protected. Someone just starting, with zero experience, can still protect part of their mind. What's shown is nothing compared to what’s under the surface.”
That had Harry pausing, mind blanking for a moment. “So, you are saying that even at my worst, my attempts at Occlumency were still working? I was still protecting my mind?”
Malfoy nodded once. “Whatever memories broke through any shields with Snape, were a small number in comparison to what you did keep locked away.”
Harry blinked rapidly. “What shields?”
There was an almost disbelieving silence that settled around them. “He never taught you how to shield your mind?”
“Is that the same thing as clearing your mind?” That was a term Harry would never forget. Snape said it enough anyway—never bother telling him how to clear his mind.
“Is that—” Malfoy cut himself off, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Merlin, this is worse than I thought.”
Before Harry could take offense to that, Malfoy continued.
“Mental shields are metaphorical in a way, although they aren’t tangible in the physical sense of the word, they are something that is taught to protect the mind. A shield is a tool that ensures your mind has an extra safeguard.”
That was certainly something Snape never taught him.
Malfoy regarded Harry intently, almost to the point of it being uncomfortable. “Potter, I have several colleagues that are skilled in Occlumency.”
Harry bit his lip to keep from voicing his thoughts. He didn’t know Malfoy’s colleagues. Didn’t want to learn from them, not when Malfoy seemed to understand how important this was.
“But with a past Occlumency teacher that was incompetent, I fear that more damage was done than actual learning. I do not trust your lessons with someone else, I will teach you.”
Despite the relief bubbling up, Harry couldn’t help but shake his head. “But you had your reservations. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable should something come up.”
One corner of Malfoy’s lips quirked up. “Your concern is appreciated, but I will be alright. I have faced worse than ghosts from the past.”
That didn’t exactly make Harry feel better.
“I would like you to think this over, Potter,” Malfoy continued, eyes boring into his own. “Go over everything we have talked about, and really think about whether you want me to teach you. Should you feel that this is something you aren’t comfortable with, then I will strive to find you another teacher. It will be difficult, but not impossible.”
Harry appreciated that Malfoy was taking this seriously. He already knew what his decision would be, but thinking it over wouldn’t hurt anything. “Alright.”
Malfoy nodded once before gesturing towards the door in a dismissal. “Your decision will be required tomorrow, whenever you are free.”
One last look towards Malfoy as Harry paused at the door had him steeling his resolve. Malfoy would be a good teacher. He wasn’t sure what was driving that insight, whether it was fanciful wishes or his instinct. Either way, Harry was glad that Newman had suggested Malfoy.
Harry took a deep breath as he stopped in front Malfoy’s office door. It was a few minutes before noon, he had wanted to keep the time frame the same.
A tentative fist raised, warring with the finality that was inside Harry’s mind. Part of him was at a firm decision, but there were still some concerns, ones that he didn’t think would ever truly go away.
“I can do this,” Harry whispered to himself, eyes closing as he took another deep breath, channeling calming methods and hoping that his heart rate would return to a healthy beat.
With a firm resolve and a decision in mind, Harry knocked on the door. It opened quickly, as if Malfoy had been waiting for him.
Harry was surprised to see the office much cleaner than it was yesterday, part of him was a little disappointed in that. Being in a confined space that was too clean reminded him of the Dursleys. There was a faint urge to ask for the mess back, but it wasn’t his place.
Malfoy was sitting on the edge of his desk, hair loose to his waist, first three buttons of a silk shirt undone, no tie in sight and black trousers that appeared to be too tight to be comfortable. Overall, the image was distracting—this would be something he would have to actively not think about. Especially if there was a chance Malfoy would see it in his mind.
A pale hand gestured for Harry to sit, and he took it gratefully, not exactly content being the only one standing. “Before I tell you my answer, are you sure you would be okay with teaching me?”
An almost disbelieving noise escaped Malfoy. “I shouldn’t be surprised at how selfless you are, but I am—every time.”
Harry didn’t think there was anything selfless about being concerned about someone else’s well-being, so he chose to shrug in reply.
“Potter, I assure you, should you wish to learn Occlumency from me, I will be alright.”
With the assurance ringing in his mind, Harry took a breath before nodding emphatically. “I want you to be my teacher.”
Malfoy narrowed his eyes, grey irises boring into Harry’s before he accepted the answer with no outward display of emotion.
“Today we are just starting out small. I’m going to teach you a technique and that will be all.”
Harry was rather glad that they weren’t immediately jumping into it. Talking about the mechanics actually had ease settling inside him. This was something he had wished Snape had done.
“First thing we will go over will be clearing your mind.” Harry winced internally, not really liking that. His past experiences with that was a colossal joke.
“Clearing your mind is a good tactic,” Malfoy sent him a wink and Harry couldn’t properly compute that—his mind might have shut down for a moment—because what? “Snape was right about that, because you cannot protect a chaotic mind. Once you clear your mind of all thoughts, emotions, and dreams, it becomes much more refined in what you can defend.”
Malfoy leaned forward, his hair falling forward. There was an aura of enjoyment in his eyes, and Harry realized that Malfoy enjoyed teaching.
“If you have cleared your mind properly, you will become relaxed, which kickstarts the proper structure when handling Occlumency. You don’t have to clear your mind at all, but it helps.” Malfoy lifted a finger and placed it on his chin, as if he was contemplating his own answer.
“If one were to try shielding from Legilimency without clearing their mind, their brain would be too active. It’s easier to control a simple breeze than a raging storm. How can you protect your mind, if all your thoughts are right there for the taking?”
Oh. Harry blinked rapidly as what Snape had tried to teach him finally made a little more sense. It was easier said than done though. Being told to clear your mind, but never being taught how to do so was what had been the problem all along.
“But how do I do that? How do I clear my mind?”
Malfoy rolled his eyes at the way Harry interrupted him. “Close your eyes.” The demand was easy to follow, Harry trusted Malfoy… to an extent.
As soon as Harry closed his eyes, he tried to keep his hands relaxed and not allow a missing sense to make him feel vulnerable.
“Don’t regulate or change your breathing, just allow your body to behave as it normally would.” Drawing attention to his breathing had Harry trying not to change anything, it was harder than he thought it would be.
“I want you to allow whatever thoughts that are in your mind to just exist for the moment. When they filter into your subconscious, I need you to register them, but not do anything to actively change or deny them.”
Harry’s brows furrowed before he forced himself to relax again. “What do you mean?”
There was patience in Malfoy’s tone when he next spoke, and that alone had Harry confident that he had the right teacher.
“For example; if a thought for what you will have for dinner should pop up, I want you to acknowledge the thought and let it filter out on its own. Don’t try and tell yourself not to think of something. That will only frustrate you should your mind think of something else. Just allow your thoughts to come and go as they please.”
Harry wasn’t entirely sure how allowing his thoughts to continue would clear his mind. That seemed counterproductive to him. Despite not understanding fully, he listened to Malfoy and let his mind do whatever it wanted.
With his eyes closed, and his breathing steady, Harry’s shoulders relaxed, and a calm sensation settled around him. The first few minutes that passed were his own confusion at what was happening, but the longer the silence stretched, he was able to move past that as his mind wandered.
The confusion left and in its place came the normalcy of his day to day routine. His assigned tasks from the Auror Program entered his mind, reminding him of the things he still needed to accomplish. Once that left his psyche, thoughts on what he needed to clean at home filtered through and then the list of chores that he needed to finish before the upcoming weekend arrived.
“As each thought you concede and let leave, do you notice anything different?” Malfoy’s voice surprisingly didn’t jar Harry, but he did feel his heart rate speed up at the sudden break in silence.
With each acknowledged thought, Harry began to notice a method appearing. “Is there supposed to be a pattern?” The longer his thoughts were examined and let go, Harry realized that they were all centered around things he perceived needed to be done.
Malfoy let out a pleased sound, and Harry had to fight the urge to preen at the noise.
“People like to assume that the mind only gives clues subconsciously or subliminally, and that is untrue. When one is prepared to acknowledge the mind, a lot becomes clear. So, yes, there is supposed to be a pattern, and you picking up on it shows that you are aware of yourself in advanced fashions.”
Harry was fascinated with how well Malfoy not only understood Occlumency but also the mind as well. It went beyond just simple knowledge.
“It matters naught what your mind is thinking of. What is important is that you are aware of the pattern. Your psyche is focused on it for a reason. By you acknowledging the message and then letting it leave, you are allowing your mind to clear on its own.”
Harry hummed curiously. “But with each thought that leaves, a new one takes its place.”
“Yes,” Malfoy acknowledged. “But that will dwindle the longer you listen to your thoughts. If your mind feels listened to, it becomes clearer as time passes. Why do you think jumbled thoughts happen in the first place? Your mind works in overdrive when it doesn’t feel listened to. An abundance of musings with no chance of reprieve is the root of the problem. You can’t think clearly if you aren’t acknowledging the left-over thoughts.”
Huh. “That would mean this method would work for more than just Occlumency,” Harry pointed out, realizing that this tactic could be used for any time he needed to calm down, or even to think over something when stressed.
“A lot of things have many uses. Clearing the mind will help in many circumstances.”
Harry was tempted to ask Malfoy to tell him more, but he didn’t want to get away from the lesson. It was interesting to note that Malfoy would make a great conversationalist outside of teaching.
“Typically, I would have you continue clearing your mind, but the first time will always take the longest. It’s not something you can master right away. This is something I am going to assign you to do a few times a day until our lessons end.”
Harry opened his eyes, blinking away the light before he narrowed in on Malfoy. “Is it already the end of the lesson?”
“Yes, I wanted the first one to be relatively simple. If I supply you with too many theories or tactics, it can be overwhelming. Occlumency is already difficult upon the first approach, anything to make it easier on you is preferable.”
Harry kind of wished the lesson would go on longer. He felt like he was finally understanding how Occlumency was going to work. “When should I come back for our next lesson?”
“One week.” Malfoy shuffled some papers on his desk, eyes already focused on a different task. “That should give you enough time to get a base feel for clearing the mind. If you practice a few times a day, then by our next lesson, it will make things easier to move forward.”
Clearing the mind here hadn’t been too bad. Harry wasn’t exactly looking forward to practicing it, but it did at least make sense. He stood up and hesitated before extending his hand. “Thank you, it was a good lesson.”
Malfoy looked down at Harry’s hand far longer than normal and he had a slight flashback to when the position had been reversed.
Right before Harry could pull his hand back, Malfoy extended his own slowly before grabbing hold of his hand firmly.
“You weren’t awful, Potter. I'll owl you the contract.”
Harry let out a surprised laugh before he shook his head. “You weren’t a git, Malfoy. Looks like we both can be surprising.”
The barely-there smile Malfoy sent him stuck with Harry long after he left the Ministry.