Chapter Text
Sitting in his seat, he looked out of the window. Kids rushing to school in desperate attempt to get into their seat before their homeroom teacher got there. Birds soared, as if they had no care in the world. The wind caressed their wings, letting them glide in the soft breeze. The leaves in the trees below trembled, threatening to break off from their branch and slowly drift to the floor and join their fallen brothers and sisters. The large, white, puffy clouds slowly moved across the morning sky, creating shadows on the ground. It was relatively peaceful. Katsuki’s eyes slowly closed.
*slam*
My nice and quiet morning is fucking gone. Thanks.
“Yo! Bakubro! You’re the first one here! Special occasion?” Katsuki’s shoulders become heavy due to the arm that had been draped across his shoulders.
“Get off of me, shitty hair.” He shrugged his arm off of him, shooting a harsh look his way. “The hag pushed me out of the house telling me how useless I am for not trying to be a good student and go to school early. Now fuck off, spikes.”
That didn't work.
The sound of a seat scraping across the tile floor made Katsuki inwardly cringe. The sound of other students entering the class, chatting loudly, did not help either. The lack of sleep has taken a toll on him over the past few weeks, making him even more irritable by the smallest of sounds, but it has gotten to the point where he just has become slightly numb to it. He could hear that Kirishima was talking to him but he could not understand what he was saying. Katsuki folded his arms on his desk and put his head down, closing his eyes once more.
He heard Kirishima leave but didn't acknowledge it. He probably got bored of you. Fuck off. He forced that thought out of his head.
Tired.
I'm tired.
Heh. I'm always tired.
The door opened and Aizawa came in.
“Good morning.” His voice was as uncaring as usual.
“Good morning.” The class echoed.
He then explained to the class what they were going to be doing today. The class groaned, learning that today was going to be boring and they were only going to be doing book work in a form of being a punishment from being a bit too rowdy yesterday.
Perfect. I have a distraction.
He took out his book, opening to the correct page. Getting a pencil he began to work, going ahead of the class. The work was particularly easy. It was hero history so he just had to answer the questions accordingly by finding the answers in the book.
Somewhere along the way his mind drifted. He was getting bored. Not good . He was beginning to become hyper aware of his body. The lack of food in his stomach accompanied by the feeling in his chest made him feel like throwing up. What's this feeling? He has been feeling like this the past few weeks. It caused him to not want to eat, making him almost too tired to fight back with his normal bite. No one had noticed it yet and he intended to keep it that way.
I don't need help.
“Bakugou!” Kaminari waved his hand in front of Katsuki’s face, causing him to drop his pencil that had been still since he had zoned out and to flinch back. That pulled a chuckle out of Kaminari and a scowl from Katsuki.
“What the fuck do you want, pikachu????” He screamed, small explosions erupted from the palms of his hands.
“Whoa there boom boom man!” He had a shit eating grin on his face. “You were just still for a really long time. Like you weren't moving at all! You were just staring at your paper. Started to scare us a little…” He backed up so he wouldn't get hit by the punch thrown his way.
Kirishima stood in front of Kaminari “Bro, chill out. We are just looking out for you and making sure you're ok.”
I'm not ok. I feel sick, I cant breath. Something is wrong. Everything feels wrong. This feels wrong. You don't really care do you? You're just scared. Yeah that's it. You're scared that I might hurt you. Stop pretending like you care! Stop it!
“I'm fucking fine you fucking idiots!” He had to lie his way out of this situation. It was starting to get too close. Too close. They are getting too close. Escape.
He aggressively threw his book and pencil inside of his bag, he slung his backpack onto his back and shouldered Kirishima as he passed him. Escape.
He briskly walked out of the class, avoiding anyone who called his name. Escape .
His footsteps getting heavier and faster every second he walked down the halls. Escape.
Trying to ignore the stares that burned the back of his neck, he took a sharp turn to the left. Escape.
He almost tripped as he climbed the steps, throwing the door open and slamming it shut behind him. I'm free.
For now.
“Fuck!” he threw his bag as hard as he could without using his quirk.
This isn't ok.
He wasn't ok.
He pressed his back to the door, breathing heavy, eyesight hazy. He brought his hands up to his chest and gripped the fabric of his uniform jacket tightly. Whats wrong with me? Shutting his eyes, he tried to will his headache away.
You want to cry don’t you?
No.
Yes you do.
“You're awful.”
“You sound more like a villain to to me.”
“You're a monster.”
“You destroy.”
The sky was pitch black. The sky was barren of stars. It was cold. So cold. So fucking cold.
Why am I cold?
Katsuki stood in a park. An empty park. There was nothing but a few trees and a lake. The water was dark. Nothing could be seen below. The water was still.
Not even a ripple had broken the surface as he fell forward.
Air.
I need air.
He struggled to move his arm or legs or anything , but he was frozen. He was cold. He couldn't move. All he could do was look at the surface of the water getting further and further away. He was drowning.
*
He woke up, gasping for air like he had been starved of it for so long. For a while he lay there, crimson eyes boring holes into the ceiling, almost too weak to get up. Suddenly, he sat up and threw the covers off of him and rushed out of his room, down the hall, to the right into the bathroom and kneeled beside the toilet and retched. The entirety (or at least what little of it he ate) of his dinner being emptied out into the porcelain bowl.
When he was done he let his forehead rest of the side of the bowl. He was exhausted. A warm hand landed on his back, rubbing small, soothing circles in attempt to calm him down.
He hated to say it but it did. It did calm him down. He closed his eyes and focused on calming down the churning in his stomach.
“Katsuki…”
“Hm..?”
“Can you get up?” His mother's voice was soft and didn't carry its usual bite.
Katsuki stay still for a moment, and then nodded his head. Mitsuki helped him up and slung one of his arms around her shoulders. He tried to push her away, mumbling something about needing no ones help, but she refused and helped him down the stairs and into the front room. They sat on the couch. Katsuki had his head down he had felt too ashamed to look at his mother.
“Are you ok?” She put a hand on his shoulder.
It took a moment for him to respond. “Yeah..” It came out in a croaky, rough voice, clearly straining. His hands lie in his lap, shaking.
“Please…. Please talk to me.” Mitsuki pleaded.
Katsuki took a deep breath.
*
Katsuki lay in his bed, thinking over what he had just done.
“Im fine...hag..”, Katsuki smirked looking at his mother.
Bring it back it.
Quit letting it slip.
You’re so useless.
“Be honest please! And I'm not a hag!” Mitsuki looked kind of angry but there were tears threatening to fall from her eyes. He may be a little shit, but he was her son, she worried a lot for him.
No.
Please don't cry.
He huffed and got up. “Thanks… for helping me back there.. I'm going back to sleep.” He kept his head down and made his way up the stairs.
Mitsuki sighed and wiped her eyes.
And now he was here, in his bed, not sleeping because he knew he could not go back to sleep.
Stupid fucking idiot. You're useless. You can't even fucking hide your emotions. You're a piece of shit. You have dealt with yourself for how long??? You're slipping up you fucker.
You know what?
You deserve to hurt.
You deserve the pain.
After what you did to Izuku and those other students for all of those years, you don't deserve to live.
Die.
Die.
Die.
Katsuki curled up on himself, clutching at his chest, nails digging into his skin, probably drawing blood. Why wont this feeling fucking leave !?
“Fuck….” He grit his teeth.
You deserve to hurt.
Hurt.
Do it.
You want to.
Do it now.
He got out of his bed for the second time that night. Rummaging through his desk drawer, he found a pair of scissors; a particularly sharp pair. He hesitated, not sure.
C’mon, you know you want to do it.
Opening the pair, he held the blade above the skin of his left wrist, his hand shaking.
Do it.
Pressing the blade on his skin, he let out a hiss. He has dealt with more pain than this before, so why did it hurt this time? He dragged the blade against his arm, the pressure growing each centimeter. Tears were pricking the corners of his eyes. The cut wasn't that deep, but blood steadily flowed from the wound, flowing down his arm and dripped off of his elbow and onto the floor.
“Shit..” He hissed when he tried to move to get something to clean up the blood on the floor before it could stain.
He grabbed a tissue and soaked up the little bit of blood that was on the floor, then the blood that was on his arm
More.
Katsuki picked up the blade once again but stared into the dim light that came from under his door.
Why? Why did you stop. You're worthless. You say you're the best? You can't fucking do anything. This is why everyone hates you.
Monster.
Destructive.
Freak.
The tears that had been waiting in his eyes finally fell, leaving hot streaks down his cheeks.
Another cut.
Sobs racked his body as he tried to keep quiet, fearing what his parents would do if they were to wake up and see him like this.
Another cut.
He pressed his back to his door and slid down till he was sitting on the floor.
Another cut.
Worthless, monster, freak, awful, mean, hateful, scary.
Three more.
He put down the scissors and just sat there watching his blood rise from the cuts. The color is fascinating. The feeling is great. The sting brings him down to earth.
Nice feeling right?
“Yeah…” He put his head back on the door and took a deep breath.
His eyes slowly closed.
*beep beep beep*
Katsukis eyes drifted open. Everything hurt. Most importantly, blood stained his arm.
“Oh fuck no.”
*bang bang*
“Katsuki Bakugou, you better get your ass up right now!”
He scrambled up, grabbing the tissues, scissors, and a long sleeve shirt. He threw the tissues away, hid the scissors in the back of his drawer, and threw on the shirt real quick.
“Shut up you hag! It’s too early for your shit!”, he shouted angrily. His head was pounding.
“What did you just say to me you little shit??”, Mitsuki burst into his room, but when she saw how tired her son was, she remembered what happened that night.
“Just hurry up you little shit.” She turned around and closed the door.
Once he heard the small click of the door, he crouched down and looked under his bed for his first aid kit. Once he grabbed it, he dragged it out and opened it.
“Fucking hell…” He wrapped up the cuts tightly. After putting away everything, he proceeded to get ready for school.
After slipping on his shoes and slinging his backpack over his shoulder (carefully), he went down the stairs and left the house, ignoring his mom who was yelling at him to eat breakfast.
Are you ready for everyone to be scared of you?
No.
Good.
He let out a big sighed and rubbed his left wrist lightly.
The pain feels good, right?
Yes.
Approaching the large gates of Yuuei, he saw some of the other students. He stopped rubbing his wrist for fear of other students calling him out on it. He had to act tough. That's how he always did. They would know something was wrong if he stopped wanting to be number one.
He jogged up the steps and walked quickly to the room. He didn't stop when he heard his name being called. He just sat down and stared at his hands on his lap. There was small little cuts on his fingers and palms from the blade.
Oops.
Class started without him noticing, making Aizawa call him out. His head whipped up when he heard his name being angrily yelled. A angered look found its way to Katsuki’s face.
“You think you're allowed to just sit and do nothing in my class? If that's so, feel free to leave. I don't feel like wasting my time on trying to get you to focus if I'm only going to be disappointed.”
You’re a disappointment.
Katsuki felt all of the eyes of the class on him, but he kept his on Aizawa. Aizawa's stare grew harder, as did Katsukis face.
“Get out of my class.”
Disappointment.
Katsuki grabbed his stuff and stormed out of the class. He heart murmurs and whispers come from the rest of the class.
They are calling you names
Please stop.
Stupid, disappointingly stupid. You have so much potential and yet you let it go to waste.
Pathetic.
You're pathetic.
Fighting the urge to cry, he left the building, ignoring the students and teachers to stop. He walked right out of the gates.
Pathetic.