Chapter Text
His apartment is on the thirteenth floor of the building, and when he opens his window to let the evening breeze air out the warm room, Babydoll knows not to jump onto the windowsill. She still puts her paws up against it, stretching up to sniff the air in curiosity. There’s a few hours before the midnight candle service at Uri’s church tonight. Levi leans back against his headboard. He unlocks his phone and opens the web browser. Taking a sip from his cup of water, he scrolls through his bookmarks until he gets to the link, and he taps it, waiting patiently for it to load its cherished contents. Since last week, a handful of new pictures have been uploaded, even a short video clip. He watches it a dozen times on loop, letting himself smile, until Babydoll butts her head against the rim of the cup and runs her body down along Levi’s forearm.
“Ready to open your present, too?” Levi asks, puts down his phone, and scratches behind her ear. She chirrups at him. “Alright, give me a sec.”
He puts his phone down on the bed and gets up to take his cup over to the sink. On the countertop, there sits a paper bag, and he digs his hand in to take out a bundle of mismatching fabric. He takes it over to Babydoll’s climbing tree and sets it on the perch that gets the most sunlight during the day. “There you go. A fun-sized crazy quilt.”
The cat jumps up to inspect his offering, and he leaves her be. He’s got to shower again. He took one when he woke up, but over the course of the day, he’s been sweating out all of yesterday's alcohol, and if he’s expected to sit around Christians tonight, that evidence will be unacceptable. Levi dries his hair thoroughly with the towel and then detangles it. If there’s ever a time he leaves it down, it’s at church, even if it falls around his elbows. He gathers it at his nape, making sure the strands hang down to hide the scar, and then braids it. No one is rude about his missing ear, but he’s not in the mood to give his fake testimony tonight, not when he’s thinking about taking a life.
He cleans the litter box, washes his hands before taking the bag to the trash chute, then sets out new food and water. The rest of the tiny studio is clean and orderly. Levi shuts the window, grabs his phone, wallet, and keys, kisses Babydoll, and then locks up after himself.
It’s warm out tonight, even for Christmas Eve. His long sleeves feel too heavy. Loud family gatherings spill out onto balconies and into the communal areas between buildings. When Levi gets in his truck and shuts the door, he can still hear them, though muted. He wonders what they're doing tonight, whether it's snowed or they're hosting their neighbours, if they have a mission--
If everyone came down here with him--
Levi drives to Uri’s house on surprisingly vacant roads. He lets himself in with the key, deciding to wait in the kitchen than go find anyone in the big house. Mikasa is standing at the sink, filling the kettle, and she tosses a mournful hello over her shoulder. There's two cups on the counter by the tea box, so Levi invites himself to join and takes another down.
His cousin is wearing the fancier black today, and only one cross around her neck. As he puts tea bags in each mug, he asks, “You playing tonight?”
“Yes.” And then she tells him quietly, “Happy birthday.”
“Almost,” he replies. “But, thanks.”
She pours three cups but only two make it to the table. The other goes to the windowsill, beside a succulent and a tomato seedling. The breeze creeping in sweeps the swirls of steam around.
“You think the dead mind sharing?”
“Don't be an asshole,” she murmurs softly. For as much of a pain in the ass that she usually is, Levi knows when to back down from his cousin’s somber mood. She's as reserved as they come, but he knows the different ranges of her seriousness and swearing is always serious. “You're going to try and kill him, aren't you?”
Levi's fingers tighten around the handle of the mug before he lifts it to hide behind. Not only is she a pain in the ass, she's too fucking clairvoyant for anyone's good. Always trudging around in black, always speaking to the dead and familiars-- maybe there's something in her rituals that lays the world bare under her gaze. Levi doesn't care to find out. “I'm not going to try.”
Mikasa doesn't take his distortion of the truth as a denial. “Just let it be, Levi.”
“You don't know what he did,” he growls, clenching his teeth. “You don't get it.”
“No, I don't, because no one here will talk to me,” she replies coolly, but there's anger there, just under the surface.
“Leave each other alone,” Kenny says from somewhere around the corner. When he steps into the kitchen, he's buttoning the top of his shirt, one of the good cowboy shirts without any blood or stains. “We got a long night ahead of us. Don't y'all start shit now.”
“Levi plans to kill Mister Smith tonight,” Mikasa says with her eyes on her tea.
Levi doesn't get to react beyond a dropping jaw because Kenny slaps the back of his head in passing and says, “No he fucking ain't!”
“Kenneth, your words, please.” Uri makes his appearance, and the Ackermans push their scuffle aside. The pastor hobbles his way to the table and sits down in the chair between the cousins, his cane resting in his lap. He speaks quietly, forcing everyone to be still and listen closely. “It is the holy eve of Christ’s birth. Now is a time for introspection and repentance.”
Mikasa takes his words solemnly, like she does everything fucking else. She could get away with whatever she wanted, with that stoic façade and fireless obedience. Kenny gets in one more slap on Levi’s head before he goes to prepare a cup of tea, and when it's ready, he leans over the table and sets it down in front of Uri.
“Look, ya little shit,” Kenny says to Levi. “You ain't killing Smith.”
Levi's teeth grind together but Kenny continues. “You do that, and y’re gonna get us all killed or worse. This is business. You start fucking with people’s money and they're gonna get ya gone. I ain't like Smith, I still answer to someone, so you better get rid of whatever fucking plan you got right now.”
Yeah, Kenny has to answer to his suppliers, and Levi knows they're more like equals than anything, but he's not going to say that. If he fights too much, Kenny will quarantine him. The senior Ackerman does not take these kinds of risks anymore. Not after the first few times Levi almost derailed his carefully laid plans.
“Fine,” Levi snaps, even though it is definitely not fine. But he doesn't need them to validate his anger. He knows he is justified in wanting to kill Erwin, in planning on doing so. Only then can he move on with his life and sever these malignant, lingering threads. He has no other choice. He has to kill Erwin.
When they arrive at the church, the syndication crew from a local cable station is already setting up for tonight’s broadcast. Levi forgot they were televising tonight, but it makes sense after seeing Kenny in a good shirt. Levi hangs back, watching his uncle with his partner, they way they work together. For all the shit Kenny gives Levi about having been a pet, the man is honestly acting no better. Uri isn't manipulative in the way Erwin was, there's no coercion or punishment. Whatever his uncle has found holds genuine, mutual respect outside of their profitable business. The jealousy stoked within himself by witnessing their relationship is the only jealousy that Levi acknowledges.
;;;
His phone wakes him up a few hours later, ringing to voicemail twice and continuing on a third round, the caller more persistent than Levi wants to deal with before dawn. He drags his hand down his face with an exasperated sigh before rolling off the sofa and going to answer. Kenny’s name lights up the screen.
“What?” He snaps.
“Good morning, Levi, I'm sorry to disturb you,” Uri begins and Levi instantly regrets snapping at the pastor, though he's sure that Uri understands.
“It's fine, what is it?” There's indistinct yelling in the background coming over the line.
“Mikasa has gone missing and-- yes, dearest, I'm telling him-- and Kenny needs you to come over.” From the background, Kenny adds, “Right fucking now!”
Levi holds the phone away to look at the time and then presses it back to his ear to ask, “When did you last see her?”
“At service last night, she played and then said she would stay after to practice for Sunday service. She drove herself there.”
Levi hadn't seen her in person, but Kenny would have at least checked with her before leaving her there like that. “Okay, I'll be there in a bit.”
“Thank you, Levi,” Uri says with audible relief. “And happy birthday.”
“Thanks.” Levi hangs up and puts his phone down, then picks it right back up, tapping the web browser and finding the bookmarks for Mikasa’s social media accounts. There's been no activity on any of them since yesterday afternoon, something highly unusual. It is just her usual spiritual things. Even as he scrolls through the more recent posts about intuition and photos of offerings, there are no clues to where she's gone, but Levi knows. Without a doubt, he knows .
He swats away the spike of anxiety and focuses. She's a pain in his ass but she doesn't know what she's getting into and this isn't something she will survive. He's got to get her back home before she ends up like him. He's got to get her back, for her sake, before Erwin touches her the way he touched Levi. The wind rushes from him as his rib cage constricts to almost nothing, and he feels absolutely gutted at the thought of Erwin using his tricks on anyone other than him, of Erwin touching anyone else’s scars and praising them in sweet words. It's too much to bear, so Levi uncaps his tequila and takes a drink straight from the bottle before he gets ready.
At the Reiss property, Levi lets himself in and he finds his uncle by chasing his echos through the hallways. They're in the living room, Uri in his wingback with his cane over his lap, Kenny by the window, still ranting and raving, though he's brought the volume down since the phone call.
“I leave her there all the fuckin’ time!” Kenny shakes his head. “I've left her alone other times Smith been down here, and nothin’! She ain't never done this!”
“I know, dearest,” Uri says kindly. “But, it's her choice and her actions.”
“Imma kill her when she gets back. She's goin’ in quarantine and ain't comin’ out for ten fucking years, that fuckin’ brat,” Kenny seethes in empty threat.
Honestly, Levi wasn't expecting this either, and he thinks that this only proves her commitment to her plan. For two years, she has been perfectly behaved, perfectly in line with what has been expected of her. It really should not surprise him that she crafted this good reputation to make her escape easier.
“We’re over six hours behind,” Kenny says with a tendril of defeat. “They could be back in Denver already. And only you know where they really hide out.”
Levi looks back at his uncle to find a finger pointed, and he scowls in response. Stomach lurching, Levi spits, “I'm not fucking telling you.”
“Jesus fuck,” Kenny swears and stomps forward to take Levi by the collar of his shirt. “Why’re you protecting them?”
Levi knocks Kenny’s grip away and steps closer, purely challenge. There's someone in that circle who can't defend themselves, and he's not going to put them in danger even if that means finally seeing Erwin dead. “I'm not protecting them. That's my only advantage and I'm not about to give it up.”
“You been trying to get back there the whole time you been here.” Kenny levels him with a look. “You think Imma let you go alone?” He laughs, a hoarse bark. “Ain't neither of ya coming back if I do!”
Levi doesn't think before he drops his bargain on the table, but once he says it, it feels like the right thing. “Either I go alone or your piece of shit kid stays!”
“Let’s not limit ourselves to ultimatums,” Uri interrupts in the shocked silence that follows. The pastor takes the handle of his cane and maneuvers to stand.
But Levi refuses to budge on this. “No, that's all I'm willing to do.”
Kenny glares at him, his expression twisting into anger, before he storms out of the living room. Further down the hallway, he swears loudly and slams another door behind him.
Uri watches him go, and walks closer to Levi. “Why do you believe that this is the only option?”
Levi grinds his teeth together as he thinks of a vague answer. Nothing comes to him, so he remains silent. He's not entirely certain of his offer. While he likes to think that he's got the strength to defy Erwin’s tricks and manipulation, something pathetic inside of him reminds him how easily he folded last time. He fell for Erwin, in every sense of the word, and there's a locked up part of him that always begs him to go back, so he's not sure he ever really healed. Erwin took him apart and rebuilt him, and Levi has not been shattered since. He is still the same. Babydoll, her collar, sleeping with the dog bed on a sofa instead of an actual bed, the undercut-- it's all the same. His rituals are the same and it's shameful. Levi wants to be better than the mewling kitten Erwin made him, but even after two years, he wakes up from dreams thinking, Erwin will come for me. So he drinks at every opportunity, drinks so that he doesn't have to remember and yearn.
“What did she take?” Levi asks to pull himself away from the reverie.
Uri leans on his cane. “Last night, she only took the cello in its case, but she must have slipped in the rifle as well, because it is gone, too.”
“And she didn't leave it in her car at the church?”
“No. It's empty.”
“Is there a sniper to replace her in the meantime?”
“One of Petra’s boys can stand in,” Uri assures him. “She's been pushing them to qualify for a thousand meters, and if I'm not wrong, I believe they've all passed.”
It doesn't compare to Mikasa’s three thousand, but it'll have to do. Levi's not worried about who will replace him, though, because he does nothing of importance. He’s just a runner, the few times Kenny brings him in on things. There's no doubt in Levi's mind that Mikasa's isn't coming back, even though he's trying to convince himself otherwise. She wasn't taken, she left voluntarily, but she doesn’t understand what they’ll do to her. And truthfully, he knows he is going to Denver for himself, to selfishly indulge the masochistic curiosity of whether Erwin will shape her like he shaped Levi. He shouldn't care, because he wants Erwin dead, but he needs to know, like he needs to breathe, he needs to know if Erwin ever meant the things he said.
“Pastor,” Levi says quietly. “I'm going home and packing, and then I'm driving to Denver. I don't care if you tell Kenny, but that's my decision.”
Uri comes closer. “Is there anything I can offer to change your mind?”
Levi shakes his head and turns away. “But if I don't come back…”
“Is it your desire to be there, Levi?”
Immediately bristling, Levi clenches his teeth and snarls, “If I don't come back, it's ‘cause I'm dead.”
“Of course,” Uri yields, but they both know the truth.
;;;
Levi gets to Colorado at midnight on the second day of driving straight through. Babydoll is cranky from being cooped up in his truck, but she allows him to put her in the carrier with minimal complaining. He's been sleeping at rest stops for an hour at a time and driving as much as he can stand, so after he gets checked into the shabby motel in Centennial, and sets up the litter box, he passes out fully dressed on the bed.
When he comes back to himself in the early afternoon of the next day, Babydoll is a purring lump between his shoulder blades. He rolls carefully so as not to startle her, and then sits up, rubbing that the throbbing point in his head.
Again, he dreamt of Erwin. After spending so many hours driving with nothing but the radio and his memories, he knows it was bound to happen. In his dream, they were back in Sina, in Erwin's apartment, their limbs sweaty and tangled on the sofa. Levi was stretched out on Erwin’s chest, and their hearts beat in time, their breathing was synced. And all the while, Levi was thinking, finally, I'm home with him again, it was all a nightmare , but waking up to reality leaves him filled with strange longing. It's the fact that he's back here on the Front Range, he tells himself. Because of where he is at now, he's having these thoughts, they mean nothing.
He didn't need to rush here, but he tells himself that it's for Mikasa’s sake that he needed to be here as soon as possible. If he can get her out of here before they break her, she'll be alright-- maybe not immediately, by eventually. As long as she doesn't go through what he did. And he's confused by the hot flush that overcomes him when he thinks that the same man who broke him might use those same tactics on his cousin. He doesn't want to think about Erwin, not unless he's thinking about killing him, but he can't stop the memories as they tumble through his head: the house in the mountains, the basement, a bed with red sheets and warm like a womb--
How fucking pathetic he was for Erwin, how he practically begged for affection, how good it felt when Erwin gave it to him.
Levi scrubs half his skin off in the too-hot shower. He's not going to fall down that spiral today, he's got too much work to do, but he still finds himself brushing out his hair and considering wearing it down, wanting to show it to Erwin. He twists it up in a firm knot instead because he knows he should not try to impress the man. Once he's cleaned up and dressed, he gets the cat food out of his truck and feeds Babydoll. Before he leaves for the day, he sets the television on the weather channel with the volume low, and opens the curtains so that she can sunbathe later on.
He drives to Commerce City, getting lost once in his way through all the new developments that have sprouted in the two years since he's been gone, but once he's in the right neighbourhood, he knows exactly where to go. They still have their old Yaris and it sits in the driveway, then Erwin's truck in the driveway of the middle house in a row of five.
Levi parks along the street, more than ever now painfully aware that his truck matches Erwin’s. In the wake of embarrassment overriding his nerves, Levi makes his move, striding in mock-confidence to the front door and knocking. Despite the chill and the thinness of the air at this elevation, he's only in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. He keeps his hands at his sides, nails biting crescents into his palms.
It's been two years since he's seen any of them, and he's expecting them to all be together, so when Mike opens the door alone, Levi isn't sure how to react.
“Thought you'd come around,” Mike says, thrusting his hand forward in an offering, and Levi shakes it. “Come on in, they'll be back soon.”
Levi enters with caution. He can feel Mike’s eyes scouring, searching for hidden weapons. Defensively, he tells the man, “I'm unarmed and I came alone, Major.”
“If we’re using titles, you still a pet?” Mike shuts the door but leaves it unlocked.
“Where's Mikasa?” Levi asks instead.
“Dunno.” Mike finally moves from the door and through the entryway into the large living room. Levi follows slowly. It's all normal, and a lot like he remembers, except that Nanaba’s den is now littered with toys and barred off with a baby gate. Levi tries not to look too hard, but he recognises most of those toys and it makes him feel at ease. Mike must catch him looking, because he says, “You'll finally get to see Judah in person.”
Levi's taken aback. For some reason, he's always assumed that Nanaba sharing pictures was a secret between the two of them. “You knew?”
“Who do you think gave her permission?”
“You still tell her what to do?”
“She's retired, not a stray.”
“She's a person.”
“She's mine,” Mike says, and the absence of inflection gives Levi a sense of danger. “Look, I finally forgave you for almost getting her killed. Don't you come at me with the idea that she's being abused because she's owned.”
Just like he did back then, Levi yields and shuts his mouth, biting his tongue and internally cursing himself as he does. Being back here is a mistake. He's just slipping back into the pathetic thing he was; it's like he's not even trying to hold onto who he's become in the last two years.
Mike continues into the kitchen, taking the house phone from its cradle and dialing a number. Levi can hear the ring from the other end, and then Mike hangs it up. “Take a seat,” Mike says casually, but it's an order. “Your man will be here in a sec.”
Levi's stomach drops down to his knees and then catipaults up into his throat. Erwin is not his man, not anymore. Erwin is a dead man, as soon as Levi gets Mikasa back, Erwin will die. Erwin is not his man. He's not. And Levi is not his pet.
The front door opens, the sound coming from behind him, and Levi freezes beyond his own control. It shuts, and there are paced steps. With each one, Levi remembers all the sweet words he’d been told, until the steps are on the kitchen tiles and the whole world seems to stand still for a moment. Levi’s breath is stolen by the phantom feeling of Erwin swaddling him in sensory deprivation. That’s how it feels, he thinks, in the moment between when the footsteps stop and Erwin opens his mouth to say, “Hello, katze.”
Mike is leaning his hip against the counter, his hands braced backward, looking purposefully disinterested. In his mind, Levi knows that he should not accept the name, he should remind Erwin of who he is, but it’s so wonderful to be acknowledged, it feels so good to matter enough to be given a new name. And he wants that, he wants to be Erwin’s.
It’s that thought and suddenly, Levi remembers why he’s here. He turns to look at Erwin, the head of the Organisation, but averts his gaze to Erwin’s broad chest at the last moment. Without bargaining, he demands, “Where is Mikasa?”
“Let’s sit down to discuss this.” Erwin sweeps his hand out invitingly.
“No,” Levi holds firm.
Erwin sighs, and the disappointment in the sound makes Levi want to curl his shoulders inward and hide, but he doesn’t. Erwin says, “She’s in Sina.”
The fact that the information is so easily given makes Levi’s finer hairs stand on end. He’s come here expecting to fight for everything, and instead, Erwin is being open with him. Was he always so open when Levi belonged to him? If Levi comes back, will he still be so open? No, that’s treacherous. Levi’s not coming back, no matter what. Erwin’s going to die.
“So,” Levi says with a rise of anger, “are you gonna break her?”
Without answering, Erwin moves past Levi to the cabinet, and Levi twists to watch his movements without actually looking at him yet. He hooks his fingers around the rims of two glasses and lowers them to the counter, and then he fills each one halfway with tap water. While Erwin does, Mike watches Levi with stone features.
The silence stirs with Levi’s angry demanding, “Are you?”
“Water?” Erwin turns back around and holds out a glass in offering, Levi’s eyes focusing on his hands instead of his face. “You're coming from sea level to almost six thousand feet, you need to stay hydrated, katze.”
Hands moving of their own accord, Levi takes the glass but does not drink, nor does he thank Erwin. Some part of Levi’s brain tells him to shut up, but his desire for the truth is masochistic. “Are you going to use the same manipulation you used on me? It won’t work on her since she already knows.”
Mike looks at Erwin and the two share a look. The major informs Levi, “Mikasa is here as a recruit.”
Levi’s building anger extinguishes. A little dumbly, he echoes, “Recruit?”
“She contacted us with her interest,” Mike continues. “She offered us her skills. So Erwin picked her up when she asked him to.”
Yet again, Levi's rib cage constricts to nothing, and his stomach jumps. “All she had to do was ask?”
“Katze,” Erwin coos, and Levi's eyes dart to him then, seeking, needing. Erwin hasn’t aged, he’s still glorious and golden and god-like; the only change is his right eye, now a cloudy swirl under a scarred eyelid. “Do you remember why I surrendered you?"
“Don't call me that,” Levi half-heartedly refuses the name. Everything feels a little off, like nothing is quite right anymore. He remembers when Erwin drew forth the promise from him that Kenny would die, but Erwin has never given him the option to just ask. Why does Mikasa get that? What's special about her, that she can shoot so far away? Levi was a weapon in his entire being, why does she get to simply ask ?
Erwin is looking at Levi like he still knows everything, and he brushes aside the half-hearted warning to say, “Do you want to come home, too, darling katze?”
Levi is pathetic. For two years, he’s been angry at Erwin, he’s been fixating on how to carve revenge from flesh, and a name, a fucking name is pushing all that aside to unearth the good boy that Levi thought he’d finally managed to chain down. But he’s relieved beyond his own comprehension that Mikasa is a recruit, not a pet. Her departure was voluntary, as he assumed, but he thought it was for a different reason, and he was wrong, and he’s never been happier to be wrong.
“What about killing Kenny?” Levi asks, entertaining the offer, pretending that he’s not truly interested.
“We’re in business together,” Erwin says like the answer is plain as day. “It benefits us both to stay not only alive, but also peaceful.”
Levi knows they’re in business together. He knows that since Organisation protection has sprouted up in Miami, Kenny is hiding more drug money in the church bank accounts under the guise of ‘tithe and donations’ so that it sits accounted for, tax-free, and perfectly legal.
“If you’re here to rescue Mikasa, then I take it your uncle is worried that her being here will upset our balance,” Erwin continues. “As a token of my good intentions, I’ll send you back.”
“Send me back? You don’t command me,” Levi retorts with a scoff, trying to hide his blooming desperation. Erwin’s always been able to read him too well.
“You’re welcome to stay here until you recover from your trip.” Reaching forward, Erwin nudges the glass of water closer to Levi. “After that, you’ll need to be a good boy and head back to Miami.”
Levi feels like Erwin is backing him into a corner and he grits his teeth, choosing not to answer.