Work Text:
All his life he's hid from the world.
It doesn't start with Spider-man. It starts in third grade, when Ned smiles at him during class and Peter feels the flutter of his heart followed immediately by the dread pooling in his gut.
He knows better than to say anything. He knows better than to show it to the world.
So he lies. Whenever Ned asks, he lies. Whenever Flash makes fun of him, he doesn't recoil away from the slurs, laughing instead. Even if it hurts him, even if it's destroying him—
He hides.
He cries underneath his bedsheets, he shies away from the truth, but he never lets anyone know.
Tony Stark is Iron Man, and Peter suddenly feels hope.
He follows the man on every form of media possible. I mean, a superhero that's also into dudes? And a science genius? Peter goes to every expo, to every place he says he likes on Twitter; the guy is himself every single day of his life and not afraid to let the world know.
A few days after New York, a video is leaked: Captain America, Symbol Of The Heterosexual Macho Man, bringing Tony back to life following the battle — accompanied by some very desperate, happy smooches.
Steve Rogers, not really used to the times yet, is mortified, but Tony handles it perfectly: he heads to an anti-LGBT rally, and yells at the top of his lungs: "I'm Tony Stark and I love blowing Captain America's patriotic dick!"
Peter loves the man. He's the Gay King, Peter decides, even after he and Steve break up a couple months later. He's his hero.
He could never be like him.
Then he's bitten by the spider. And hiding it is so easy in comparison.
Because everyone knows Spider-man was into dudes. He's confident where Peter isn't, charming where Peter stumbles. He flirts with guys on the street as he saves them from muggers or insane drivers. Peter Parker will forever remain in the closet, while Spider-man is open and free. Sometimes, he'll see art of himself on the streets, on the internet, and he'll smile shyly.
He feels like a hero when he's swinging around, and he can pretend he's something more than Peter Parker, and that makes him somewhat happy.
Uncle Ben dies and Peter feels a little relieved.
And so, so disgusted at himself.
He could have saved him. He could have stopped the killer, break the gun in his hands. He could've saved his uncle, the only father figure he'd had.
But he'd said something horrible, so awful, and Peter just ran as fast as he could, and couldn't care less if a street thief was following him because he was too busy bleeding his heart out.
He didn't save him.
And he feels relieved at that.
He's no hero. He's the monster he always knew he was.
And no matter what Aunt May tells him — she doesn't know, could never understand.
He's always hiding. He'll always be hiding.
He doesn't know if he can endure that.
"Peter, wait."
Ned's pulling at his sweater's sleeve and Peter stops. He's inches from the door, inches from escaping the interrogation he's sure is gonna come his way. But he stops anyway, because he can't ever say no to Ned. He turns around and looks at him.
He's so tired. But still he feigns a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, holds his soul behind vibranium walls while pretending it's on his hands.
"What's up?"
"I, uh... Can we talk?"
"We're literally talking right now, Ned." Peter lets out an easy laugh. But Ned stares at him and chews his lower lip. His hand rests on Peter's shoulder, lightly, and for a moment he thinks maybe, it could be, but he swats away those hopes and returns to the real world.
"I'm worried about you dude. We... we're all worried. I just—" Ned takes a deep breath, and Peter wants to die, "know that we've got your back, okay?"
You could never understand, Peter wants to scream. I'm all alone. But he smiles and nods. "Thanks, man."
His hand lingers for a little too long before Ned finally lets him go and he can't wait to suit up and flee away from his life.
He comes home one day and he almost has a heart attack.
Tony 'king of the gays' Stark is sitting in his living room next to May.
He stumbles with his words, he struggles to form coherent sentences. But Mr. Stark is talking about a grant he did not sign up to, an internship he didn't apply for, and looks at him to play along.
They end up inside his closet (how ironic) and turns out Stark knows about Spider-man, which is, well, probably the best and worst thing to ever happen to him.
And he's asking about his tech, about his webbing, and he seems really interested, interested in the small, dumb recycled things he worked into a suit. His eyes shine with curiosity and Peter can almost see the gears turning inside his head.
He tells him: there's a mission. Cap's long-lost friend-with-benefits bombed the UN, and now Steve's acting like a weirdo and they have to stop him before he fucks up even more. He doesn't have to come, he says, but Peter sees how deeply he's hurting inside, like a mirror of himself, and he agrees.
Germany becomes the line between old Peter and new Peter. It ends with Cap and his boyfriend sharing a passionate kiss before making their escape; Peter stares in awe from the ground and holds the moment to his heart.
Tony takes him home; he's bitter, but doesn't take it out on him. Gives him a pat on the back, invites him to work on the tower once a week and gives him advice via suit. Turns out there's an AI in there, who knew?
He's finishing patrol for the day when Karen says, "Peter, can I ask you a question?"
He's grabbing from a bag of gummy worms, and his mouth is currently stuffed with them. He swallows them before speaking. "Yeah, sure, what's up?"
"What do you identify as?"
Peter almost chokes on the worms. "W-what?"
"Mr. Stark is attracted to males, but that attraction isn't exclusive to said gender. I don't fully understand how sexuality works yet... So I was wondering — how does it work in your case?"
Peter just stares into the void.
"Oh," Karen says, her voice somehow a whisper. "I shouldn't have asked."
"No," he quickly bursts out, "you — you just caught me off-guard."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Karen, really." He takes a deep breath. "I... I like boys."
It's like a weight has been lifted from his chest and he can finally breathe. His eyes tear up, but he smiles; the wait's been too long, too draining.
"I really like boys. Oh god, this sucks. I can't believe it took me so long to say it."
"Is this the first time you've told anyone?"
Peter swallowed. "Yes." And then, quickly: "you can't tell Mr. Stark. You can't, Karen, please."
"I won't," she says, and Peter really might cry. "Thank you," she adds, because she's a blessing just like that.
MJ stays at his house one night. They work on a physics project, but it gets late pretty soon, so they decide to go to sleep.
But Peter can't sleep. MJ can't, either. "Too much through my mind," she says.
"Same." A pause. "Wanna talk about it?"
"I don't wanna bother you with that." She's being strangely honest with him, he realizes. "You've already got a lot on your plate."
"I still want to help." He sits up. From the bottom bunk of his bed, he sees Michelle's legs dangling from above. She sighs, and begins talking.
"I think my dad wants to kick me out."
Peter almost jumps at this. "He's insane. Why?"
MJ looks at the ceiling and Peter sees her hands shaking. "You know how I have a thing with Liz?"
No, Peter did not know that. But let's pretend he did. "Uh-huh."
"You didn't, did you."
Busted. "Had no idea."
"Whatever. I have a thing going on with Liz. My dad found out about it. He got really mad." MJ is trying to act like she doesn't care, but Peter can practically hear her screaming. "He thinks I'm a monster and said I'd go to hell. Which — I mean, you know I don't care about that shit. But it still hurts, you know?"
Peter's hands are trembling, too. He feels like he's drowning, like Uncle Ben just made a horrible remark about death and destruction and burning for all eternity. He takes a deep breath.
"Well," he says then, voice shaky, "I'd rather go to hell than be anything else."
MJ looks at him, and it dawns on her. "Oh."
Yeah, oh.
Peter sneaks into his bedroom through the window. He crawls on the ceiling, as quietly as he can; the door closes with the tiniest of clicks and he drops to the floor.
How long can he keep this up? May's gonna freak out if she finds out he's been fighting crime every night. MJ already figured it out. He needs to be more careful. He needs to have—
He turns around and Ned is sitting on his bed, mouth wide, a LEGO Death Star on his arms.
Fuck.
The LEGO build rolls down and crashes, shattering on the floor.
"What was that?," May asks from the kitchen.
"Nothing! Nothing." Ned's staring at him. And he's dressed like— FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
"You're the Spider-man from Youtube," Ned says, dumbfounded.
"I'm not," he tries, and gets off the suit. He's in his briefs and he tries not to think about Ned looking at him. F U C K.
"You were on the ceiling," Ned says, and Peter suddenly feels dumb. Of course he was.
"What are you doing in my room?"
"May let me in. We were gonna finish the Death Star, dude."
"Aight, I'll give you that." He manages to put the suit away before May opens the door; she's wiping off flour from her face.
"The meatloaf recipe was a disaster," she laughs. And then she notices Ned and Peter just... standing there. "You guys want Thai? Ned, you want Thai?"
"Yes," he begins, but Peter quickly intervenes with a bad excuse about how his parents want him home. May squints at them.
"Alright, well, you better get ready then." She pauses as she closed the door, peeking in again. "And put some clothes on, Peter."
Peter wants to die.
Mr. Stark's newest sorta-boyfriend leaves through a portal as Peter enters the lab, and he decides not to ask any questions about it.
Except Mr. Stark won't stop talking about him.
Peter likes listening to Mr. Stark. Sometimes, when he's tired, Mr. Stark will put on some music; he really likes old rock, but he's growing into Peter's tastes a little (he'll even put some mainstream pop from time to time). Other times, he'll talk about anything: a mission he had, the things he's working on, Peter's homework.
(Once, Tony doesn't talk at all. He just blasts Metallica and tries not to cry. His knuckles are bloody and his hands shake slightly as Peter bandages them; his eyes are filled with fear and Peter doesn't ask any questions. Days later, he apologizes about it, saying he'd had an anxiety attack over... something.)
But today it's different. He puts on a playlist Peter made; Two Ghosts starts playing and Tony waltzes around the workshop while Peter works.
"He's the best, Peter," he's saying right now, "he's just so sweet."
"I still don't trust him," Peter says, soldering together two wires. "He's a lot like you."
"Ouch, kid. Stephen is way better than me."
"You're like, the smartest person alive."
"He just teleported out of this room. I think that makes him cooler than any suit I can build."
Peter laughs. He looks at Tony. He's holding Peter's mask between his hands, close to his heart. He looks... happy, truly happy, which is an unusual sight these days. I wish I could have that, he thinks.
"What?," Tony asks, an easy smile on his face. Peter's been staring at him for like, two minutes.
Peter wants to tell him.
He lets go of the piece he's working on and stretches back instead. "Nothing," he says. "Just glad you're happy."
Tony squints at him before laughing.
He'll tell him someday. But not today. Not yet.
He just needs more time.
As it turns out, not everyone knows Spider-man is a raging homosexual vigilante. Including Ned.
It comes up in a conversation during decathlon practice. The question is the following: name five enhanced individuals who are/were part of the LGBT+ spectrum.
Flash mentions Dr. Bruce Banner, Captain America and Loki, but runs short. Ned adds Professor Xavier and Magneto to the list, and Michelle is ready to move on.
Then Liz says: "does Spider-man count?"
Peter freezes. MJ looks at him, as if to reassure him; Ned looks at him too, frowning. "I don't think he's part of the community," Ned says, his eyes meeting Peter's. "Is he?"
"Ah, yeah," says Flash, and Peter has never wanted to murder someone before this moment. "I saw him flirting with Deadpool once."
"No you didn't," MJ says, as calm as ever. "But for the record, Spider-man has never done any formal statements about it, so I won't count him in."
The conversation drifts off, but Ned's gaze doesn't move away from Peter at all.
"You haven't told him?," MJ asks him that night, over Discord. She's moving with her aunt that weekend, so she's already packing her stuff and wanted someone to talk to. He's staring at the floor, hanging upside-down from his ceiling; he twists and twirls the headphones on his finger as he talks. "You're an idiot. You're both idiots."
"I can't tell him! He'll freak out."
"So he knows about you fighting crime in spandex, but not about you liking dudes." MJ sighs. "Peter."
"I know I have to tell him. I feel like an idiot, but I can't— he'd hate me, I—" Peter's voice is shaking. He pauses and takes a deep breath. "It won't be the same."
There's shuffling from MJ's side. "Look dude. Ned loves you so much, he won't hate you. You two just stick together like glue, always. It'll be okay."
"I know he does. I just—" He takes a deep breath. You can do this, Parker. Come on. "I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be myself. But what if he doesn't like who I really am? I've— I've lived like this for so long, MJ."
"I know," she says, as she always does. "It's hard." And he stops pacing, wait when did he even start pacing? Anyway he stops pacing.
"I'll tell him," Peter continues. "Just not— not right now. If he asks, I'll do it, but otherwise I just— I have to be ready for that."
Peter walks down from the ceiling and sits on his bed. He pictures Ned's face and his heart flutters inside his chest.
He's fucked, isn't he? That's why he's not going to heaven. He's fucked up. He is in love with his best friend, he realizes. This is the worst possible thing that could've ever happened to him.
"Alright, dude," MJ says, "but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
They're sitting on his bedroom's floor. Well, Ned is. Peter is pacing the walls, decidedly avoiding Ned's gaze.
"Didn't tell you what?" Peter plays it safe.
Ned looks betrayed. He looks at Peter with pitying eyes, the way he used to look at him when Ben died, and Peter wants the Earth to swallow him whole. "You know. That you— like boys."
"You can say it like it is." Peter takes a deep breath. "I'm gay, Ned."
There. He said it. Now Karen can stop pestering him to tell the truth, like that time in the Washington Monument.
He's so relieved when Ned tells him it's not bad at all.
"But why didn't you say anything?," Ned asks him later, when Peter sits on the windowsill and looks at the sunset.
"I didn't know how you'd react." Peter's hands held him steady, framed against the rose glow of the dying sun. "And I thought you already knew. I flirt with dudes all the time."
"Yeah, as Spider-man. I figured you were like, joking or something. Following the whole queer hero thing you've got going. You know, like the 'gays can't do math' thing." Peter doesn't reply. He shifts uncomfortably. "A—ah, um, I didn't mean it like that. I'm an idiot."
Peter already knows that, Ned.
He wakes up one morning, having slept three hours tops, and heads to the bathroom like a zombie on drugs. His head is pounding so badly that the second his phone turns on the light makes him flinch. He's wasting precious time, he knows that, but he sits on the toilet and waits for the damn thing to load.
He's bombarded by texts. He opens one from MJ. His heart stops and he doesn't reply; he opens another one instead. It's Flash.
He wants to fucking scream. He grips the sink so tightly he actually cracks it, but he can't care right now.
May confronts him before he heads out. He doesn't answer her questions; he just walks out and starts stomping towards his school.
Everyone is staring at him. He can hear everyone whispering about him, and he knows this isn't him imagining it. He knows what they're saying about him. Ned gets to him before he can get to Flash and calms him down. He's Peter's personal bodyguard for the day, because Petey might be strong enough to catch a bus with his bare hands, but he couldn't deal with peer pressure if his life depended on it. MJ is a godsend as well; one glare and anyone who would dare comment on Peter's sexuality cowers back in fear for their lives.
Also MJ beats Flash's ass anyway, so Peter feels a bit better.
He stays late for decathlon practice that day. He just wants to forget about the whole thing. And it works; Liz and Betty are so supportive of him he even sheds a tear or two.
But when he's all alone inside the school's hallways; that's when it happens.
He doesn't put up a fight. He doesn't want to risk getting two secrets out in one day.
He just lets it happen and chokes back the tears when it's over.
"So," Tony starts, sprawled on the couch Rhodey made him put in the lab, "what happened?"
Peter tries to ignore him at first, deflecting with a short "I crashed" and avoiding his mentor's eyes. He tries to focus on the small droid he's working on, instead of on how his right eye still kinda stings. And his ribs. And the ghost of a punch to the gut that's already healed.
But Tony isn't having it. "Really? Because Karen hasn't said anything about that. Actually— you didn't go patrolling today, you came here straight from school. So. Talk."
Tony's standing up now, and Peter's hand trembles so much he lets go of the soldering iron and almost burns his hand like a dumbass. He mumbles an apology and goes to pick it up before he's met face to face with Stark himself.
He's so serious it kinda scares Peter.
"Which asshole did it?"
"No one," Peter quickly says.
"Yeah, right. Talk or I'll tell May."
Peter makes an effort to stare at the wall furthest from his mentor. Karen's red core glows on the screen, like she's taunting him to tell the truth.
But how could he tell him? Where did he even begin?
"I don't want to talk about it," he says instead, turning away from Tony and finally turning off the dumb soldering iron.
"It wasn't the Vulture Guy, right? I told you not to go fight him. I swear to god." Peter shakes his head softly, so Tony thinks that's something and keeps pushing. "Is it bullying? It hasn't— has it happened before? Karen?"
"Peter has never reported any such attacks before, neither has he put on the suit with marks from previous fights."
"So this is new then? What happened?"
"I said I don't wanna talk about it!," Peter snaps.
"Geez kid, what's going on with you?"
"I just— Today was bad enough as it is, can you just leave it?" Peter turns towards Tony again. His whole face is red, and he's avoiding his mentor's eyes once more.
Tony places a hand on Peter's shoulder and sighs. "Look. I'm not good at this, the whole 'responsible adult' thing, but this— this isn't good, okay? So. I'm not going to make you tell me, but if you want to, I'll be right here. You can always count on me. Okay, kiddo?"
After a moment, Peter nods and Tony tries to give him an easygoing smile. It comes off a little stiff, but he figures that works too.
So they keep working — for a while, at least. Until Peter finally bursts.
He puts down the unfinished droid for a moment, steadies his breathing and says, his back facing Tony, "I have to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"What's that?"
"I — you have to promise you won't hate me."
Tony turned towards Peter once more, deadpanning. "You're literally impossible to hate, underoos."
"Mr. Stark, please."
"Alright, I promise. Now shoot."
For a moment, Tony thinks he's chickened out. He won't blame him if he has, but then, Peter speaks, the words jumbled and too quick for him to catch.
"Gonna need you to go a bit slower there, champ." Tony tries to encourage him with a soft smile.
Peter takes a deep breath. He's shaking so badly Tony thinks he might fall over. "I am— I think I'm gay. That's why I — someone outed me and I got beat up."
Tony just stares at him. Peter looks away. "You thought— why would you think I'd hate you for that? I literally have a date with a man in two hours. What the hell, kid."
"I'm sorry," he mumbles, and Tony softens.
"No, it's okay. I get it. C'mere." He opens his arms for a hug and Peter walks into them, hesitating. The second he wraps them around the boy he starts sobbing and Tony doesn't know what to do. "Who outed you, Peter."
He doesn't reply, snuggling himself closer instead, and Tony sighs. What to do, what to do—
Talk. The only thing he can do right.
"When I was your age," Tony starts, "I came out to Howard."
It's not a happy story. It barely has an okay ending. But Peter feels better after listening to the whole thing, and they have some chocolate milk and cookies and watch a movie. He stays the night in the Tower and they talk, and talk, and by the time Peter leaves for school Tony still doesn't know who outed him, who'd do that to Peter, but he's going to find out, goddammit, he's not going to let what happened to him at MIT happen to Peter.
"Thank you, Tony," Peter whispers that night, as he heads to sleep, and Tony feels like maybe he's done something good after all.
He texts Stephen goodnight, too.
"So your aunt knows now?" MJ's voice through his phone is grounding, a peaceful sea after days of typhoons and sinking ships, and suddenly he doesn't feel as dizzy anymore. "That you like dudes, I mean."
"Yeah," he says.
"Dude, how did it go?," Ned chimes in.
He stares at the ceiling, sprawled on his bedroom floor. He's been there since he got home from Mr. Stark's sleepover. "It went great," he says. A yawn escapes his lips; it's three a.m. on Sunday morning. "I thought she was gonna scream at me, but she actually already seemed to know?"
Far away, he can hear Ned's music through the speakers: can I be the only hope for you? Because the only hope for me is you alone. "Well, you're not that good at keeping secrets."
MJ scoffs. "He kept his superheroing from you for like, six months."
"Yeah, well, who's his Guy in the Chair, MJ? Huh?" Peter stifles a laugh as Ned talks.
He's happy, he thinks, but maybe it's just the lack of sleep.
"Nerds."
They're hanging out underneath the gym's bleachers when it happens. It's getting kinda late already and Peter needs to go patrolling... but they're having so much fun just talking and nerding out, he loses track of time.
MJ's with them too, but has to leave before it gets too dark. So it ends up being just the two of them now. They talk about everything, from Star Wars to why the sky was blue, and within the growing quiet of the school, they're suddenly at peace.
Then Peter leans his head against Ned's shoulder and his heart skips a beat.
What are you doing, Parker, his head screams at him.
"Isn't it weird?"
"The DJ thing? Yeah, it was kinda messy, wasn't it?"
"No, I mean —" you look like a creep, abort, abort, "nevermind."
Ned stared at him for a moment before giving him a lopsided (god) smirk. Peter was pretty sure he was as red as his suit right now. "No way. Dude, now you gotta tell me."
"It's nothing."
"Nothing like the thing with the Vulture, or nothing nothing?"
"That was one time."
"Yeah, one time I spent all night trying to clean your chest before you healed with all that shrapnel inside you."
"I couldn't go to Mr. Stark like that. You know how he feels about the guy." Were they getting closer? Did he look like a creep? Did Ned think he was a creep? Why did Ned's eyes suck him in like black holes? Why was his heart beating faster? "And May would've killed me."
"Yeah, well," and Ned's voice sounded rough, "who else would look out for your dumb ass? MJ?"
Peter's lower lip trembled as he laughed softly at his words. "Only you, Ned."
That's what I like about you.
"Peter," Ned says, "I think— I really like you."
The world seems to stop around him. Peter opens his mouth to reply, but closes it again; his face is boiling right now. He's staring at Ned wide-eyed, like an idiot, and he feels Ned's fingers intertwine with his and he is so going to scream.
So instead of using his brain, because it's finally shut down and he can't process shit, he says, "why didn't you tell me before?"
Ned deadpans, "I'm telling you now, dude."
"Oh," he whispers. And then, "oh — Ned, I like you."
They stay like that, frozen, for a few moments before Ned bursts laughing. "We're idiots," he says, eyes shiny. He holds his hand tighter and Peter doesn't want him to let go. Ever.
And then Ned whispers, "uh, can I— can we—" because despite it all he's not a jerk and values consent and shit. And after Peter's shaky nod, he mutters a fuck it and leans forward.
It's clumsy and messy. Their noses bump against each other and Peter ends up so flustered they have to pause shortly after. But by then Peter's grinning so widely, his eyes brighter than when he'd first gotten the suit, and Ned doesn't care if it's a disaster at all.
Peter doesn't go patrolling that night.
Next day, MJ is grinning like she's insane and Ned holds his hand as much as he can.
He's not hiding any longer.
That afternoon, Mr. Stark tells him they're gonna start training; a threat will be coming soon. Not immediately, but soon. Peter agrees; he'll tell him about Ned when his mentor's hands stop shaking. He has pizza with his aunt and skypes with Ned to sleep.
He can finally stop lying. He can scream who he is to the world.
And for the first time, he's truly, completely happy.