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This is it.
The face-off that everyone has been (some lowkey, some highkey) waiting for.
It’s been years and the betting pool is enough to make someone rich enough to retire and not have to lift a finger for the rest of their life.
The Final Showdown that will answer who’s stronger: Dazai or Chuuya?
The people who’ve known the terrible two the longest are split in their opinions.
-
Hirotsu’s bet is on Chuuya – while he’s been involved in ‘cooperating’ with Dazai, even post-betrayal (just don’t tell Mori), first impressions last forever and that time when Chuuya had outwitted him and Dazai by being able to use his instincts to nullify the effect of No Longer Human… that’s powerful. Chuuya may not be a manipulative asshole of a demonic genius like Dazai is, but his sharp fighting instincts has trumped over Dazai’s manipulations during battle situations.
“Chuuya-kun’s battle instincts are superior,” Hirotsu says fondly, like he’s a grandpa who’s greatly enjoying seeing his unruly grandchildren pull each other’s pigtails… erm, maybe not like that. “Also, I’d like to clarify that my choice isn’t because I’m still holding a grudge over Dazai-kun’s antics when he was younger and forcing me to clean up his room for him.”
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Kouyou’s bet is on Dazai – because it’s a win-win for her either way. If Chuuya wins, then she’s happy for him. If Dazai wins, then she gets a hefty sum of money. But it’s mostly a woman’s instinct, coupled with the fact that she’s seen Chuuya’s reactions to Dazai’s ministrations over the years (whether or not Dazai was actually within touching distance is irrelevant, the two of them have affected each other even when they were on separated continents). She knows that Chuuya’s fighting instincts are second to none, but she also knows that Chuuya’s instincts in looking out for his partner are also second-to-none. In a fight-to-the-death (no matter how little or large that death is… oh, is that not what they’re discussing?), Chuuya will not be able to deal the finishing blow and that will make Dazai’s victory more likely.
“If I bet on Chuuya and the lad loses, I gain nothing,” Kouyou declares rather cruelly, because she hopes that Dazai has bugged her and is listening to her comment. “That said, if Dazai wins via unsavory means, I might just go public with some anecdotes about him acting like a total brat trying to get Chuuya’s attention.”
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Higuchi, rather predictably, bets on Dazai.
“Akutagawa-senpai would surely bet on Dazai-san and I shall follow senpai everywhere!”
(“Don’t follow him to the bathroom,” Gin reminds her as she’s forced to pull back her brother’s staunch stalker supporter away from the men’s bathroom.)
-
“Despite everything, I am grateful for Dazai-san’s help when we were young,” Gin declares, right before placing her bet on Chuuya. “However, it’s important to note that love conquers all.”
(“That doesn’t make any sense,” Tachihara complains as he’s blocked from entering the men’s room by Higuchi getting dragged away by Gin.)
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“I’m—” Tachihara looks around, blushing. “I’m betting on Chuuya-san.”
“That is so predictable, your bet is already counted even before you said it.”
“D-Do you think Chuuya-san knows?!”
“He’s not supposed to know about the bet,” Kajii says slowly, because not everyone can be as smart as him and Tachihara’s a special brand of stupid when it comes to Chuuya.
“I mean… about me…”
Kajii blinks and wonders why the world isn’t more filled with lovely lemons instead of idiots like Tachihara. “He did address you by your name earlier…?”
“I mean… about my f-feelings…” Tachihara fiddles with his gun, but it’s for naught, because Kajii has checked out and has started on his next batch of experiments, apparently fed up with Tachihara’s talk already.
(Elise passes by and asks him, “Tachihara, why are you blushing like a tomato? Are you going to die soon?”)
-
“Hmm, he gives Rintarou a lot of headaches, so I’m rooting for Dazai!”
“Ah, Elise, I’m touched that I’m part of your decision!”
“Rintarou, shut up and buy some more cakes for me!”
(Her playmate, Q, places his vote for Chuuya, because he’d rather burn down all of Japan than willingly choose Dazai over something that’s not death-for-Dazai.)
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“Chuuya gets drunk too easily because of Dazai, so it’s going to be Dazai’s win,” Kajii declares, his voice mostly muffled by the mask he’s wearing because he’s in the middle of another experiment. “Though if Chuuya wants to, I can give him some of my prototype lemon bombs—”
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“I—” Akutagawa coughs for five minutes straight before he recovers and continues stating the obvious. “I believe it’s Dazai-san who’d win.”
He looks incredibly torn about his decision though, because it’s been Chuuya who’s acted like a good mentor and senpai especially after Dazai had left the mafia.
Gin pats her brother’s back and tells him that she had betted on Chuuya, so no matter the result, the Akutagawa siblings win.
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“Chuuya-san’s the coolest city boy so I’m betting on him!” Kenji declares with starry eyes, stuffing himself full of food as they wait for the designated time at the designated place. It’s also a gesture of goodwill, that he can’t fight using his Ability even if the park bench on the opposite side is starting to be filled with Port Mafia spectators too.
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“Hmm, Dazai-kun acts like an S, but he’s actually an M who’s looking for a powerful S that can dominate him.” Yosano says bluntly as she checks her nails, keeping an eye on Kenji’s eating. “That gravity user looks soft at first glance, but I’m sure he’s the S that Dazai-kun needs.”
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“I do agree with Yosano-san,” Naomi says as she hands over her money. “More importantly~ since my dear brother is betting on Dazai-san, splitting our votes mean that we win no matter what happens~ isn’t that right, brother~♥?”
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“I am looking forward to seeing that Dazai be beaten up, I hope we start on schedule.” Kunikida writes something on his notebook. “That said, the Armed Detective Agency supports their own, so I’m betting on Dazai.”
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“Dazai-san has helped me out a lot,” Kyouka says softly, even as she ponders about Chuuya-san’s real strength. She’s never seen Chuuya-san in action while she was with the Port Mafia, as she was kept busy in killing those 35 people. “And since he’s Atsushi’s mentor…”
(Kouyou crosses the distance between the opposing park benches and hugs her ward, thankful that even apart, they have the same bets.)
-
If it’s just a simple matter of choosing who’s stronger, Poe would have chosen Chuuya. But then, he remembers that Ranpo-kun calls him ‘Mr. Fancy Hat’, a nickname, even though Poe has known Ranpo-kun longer and isn’t giving nicknames a sign of friendship? Poe, who’s totally not jealous about the fact that he doesn’t have a nickname from Ranpo-kun yet, totally doesn’t place a bet on Dazai because he’s jealous of Chuuya.
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“I’m sure that Akutagawa’s choosing Dazai-san.”
“On one hand, I can copy his bet and choose Dazai-san.” Atsushi gestures with his hands, flailing about in the background and not even bothering to tone down the volume of his thoughts. “On another hand, I’m not Higuchi who’d just follow whatever Akutagawa does… Higuchi doesn’t get noticed that way…”
Atsushi paces some more, his feet half-transformed to a tiger and therefore ruining some of the grass. “Dazai-san saved me, true, but this isn’t a savior’s award… but then again, I did see Chuuya-san help a granny with her groceries so he might also win a savior’s award?”
His strong tiger senses tell him that Dazai-san and Chuuya-san are approaching the designated spot where they’d have their Final Showdown while everyone watches with popcorn and drinks and lots of plans for what they’ll do with the winning pot.
“But Dazai-san’s always complaining that he knows all about Chuuya-san’s thrusts…”
Atsushi then sees Akutagawa on the other side and that decides it.
“I’m betting on Chuuya-san!”
-
It’s Ango’s incredibly rare day-off so he’s asleep, but he did take the time to place his bet on Chuuya. At least, that’s who everyone thinks he voted for.
(“It’s a pretty even fight,” Ango had said before he fell face-first to his keyboard, “but Ability User A5158 has an advantage.” His secretive smirk might be terrifying if his eyebags don’t seem like international-flight luggage in their size though.)
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“If you ask me,” Fyodor Dostoevsky starts to say from his prison cell, but given that he’s in a solitary prison cell, nobody hears him continue: “It’s going to be an eternal deadlock between the two.”
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This is it.
The face-off that everyone has been waiting for.
Suitably dramatic setting? Check. Lots of nosy spectators? Check. Rock music courtesy of Chuuya’s playlist? Check.
Dazai and Chuuya arrive at Yamashita Park from opposite directions, approach the designated spot that’s surrounded by security perimeter granted by the Special Ability Department. Dazai’s smirking as usual; Chuuya’s ready-to-fight grin is ready as usual.
“Hi, Chuuya~♪” Dazai greets his opponent with a wide smirk and a cheerful wave. “Ready to lose against me?”
Chuuya scoffs, flings his overcoat towards the Port Mafia side of the park bench, doesn’t bother looking back to see who caught it (it’s Tachihara – he had to dive gracelessly forward and elbow Kajii in the process, but it’s Tachihara). “Keep talking shit, idiot Dazai. I’m gonna make you eat your words soon.”
“Ah, scary, scary~” Dazai doesn’t look scared at all. In fact, he actually looks downright delighted. “I wonder what kind of attacks you’ll greet me with? After all, whatever you attack me with, I can easily read and dodge. I’m your partner, after all.”
(In the background, Higuchi tries to subtly wipe a tear without screwing up her video-recording angle. In another background, Tanizaki pats Kunikida’s shoulder in consolation, but Kunikida’s resolute in writing down a new, more strenuous schedule for Dazai’s workload.)
Chuuya takes a step forward, poised as though he’s about to kick Dazai’s head away from his neck. But he sighs, then stops.
Everyone blinks, first in surprise (because Chuuya’s never been known for holding on to self-control whenever Dazai’s around), then in fear, because—
Dazai actually claps his hands in delight.
Chuuya’s slowly removing his gloves.
(Tachihara faints from bloodloss and Higuchi zooms in unnecessarily close at Chuuya’s fingers. Yosano’s interest spikes, because she’s heard Dazai confess that very bad things happen whenever Chuuya removes his gloves. She had assumed that Dazai meant Adult Things, but it seems that she’s wrong.)
“Are you using Ojoku for me?” Dazai sounds flattered, like it’s an honor to be defeated by a raging god of corruption. “You really do know how to make me cry, Chuuya.”
The true form of Chuuya’s Ability, Ojoku – Corruption, has become a rather open secret to everyone, especially since he had to use it rather flashily in the fight against Dostoevsky. All the spectators have activated their respective Abilities, ready to defend themselves in case the fight gets too out of hand.
“Ahh, that’s right. I’m using—” Chuuya’s face is turning red as he throws down the gloves on the ground. “O—Osamu.”
…Oh.
Chuuya’s face is a furious red from his embarrassed blush, instead of the rush of blood triggered from his Ability’s real form overtaxing his body.
Dazai, on the other hand…
“Ha! Aha! I defeated him!” Chuuya points at Dazai’s frozen form with glee. “He’s weak! I defeated him by calling him by his first name! Ha! Professor Spectacles is right! I can defeat him if I call him Osamu! I called him Osamu! …Ah. Shit.”
A beat.
And then—
“Did they seriously faint from embarrassment?! Did they both lose?!”
-
An hour later, three people walk out from the Final Showdown of Embarrassing Idiots with considerably fatter wallets.
First is of course Ranpo, who’s actually the first one to place his bet that there will be no winners and both would lose to each other pretty terribly. Nobody’s surprised, because Ranpo’s the best detective. Something of this level is a piece of cake to him. Speaking of cakes… he can buy three cakes per day for the three years with his winnings. He quickly gets Poe to accompany him and Poe forgets any and all of his misgivings about not getting a nickname.
The other two winners…
Kunikida bows down to Fukuzawa. “As expected of the President, your wisdom is truly amazing.”
Fukuzawa shakes his head. “It has nothing to do with wisdom. I simply have the advantage of having experienced something similar before. I suspect another person with the same experience as me has won their share as well.”
“So even the President has his weakness…” Kunikida murmurs with wonder, curious as to how Fukuzawa’s ‘adversary’ reacted. “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Fukuzawa shrugs. “I heard him call me by name and I ended up in his operating room.”
“Eh—?!”
“In retaliation, I called him Rintarou as soon as I woke up.” Fukuzawa’s face has a small smile in it. “And as his retaliation, he changed his name so that his first name is a secret to others.”
“…I… understand…”
Kunikida doesn’t really understand, but as expected, Kunikida still has a long way to go.
-
An hour later, Chuuya wakes up with head on top of Dazai’s lap and Dazai’s lips pressed against his forehead. It’s incredibly warm and almost enough to make him ignore the fact that everyone else just left them at the park. There are still some cherry blossoms flying about, the final blossoms before summer descends upon them.
“…is this… how you envisioned Snow White waking up?”
Chuuya feels Dazai’s smile against his skin, before Dazai stretches back up to lean against the tree trunk, his gaze warm as he looks down at Chuuya.
“…Not quite.”
Chuuya holds Dazai’s gaze, then, deliberately slow, he closes his eyes and regulates his breathing, so that it looks like he’s asleep. Dazai gets it, he always has, and Chuuya feels Dazai bend forward once more so that he can give him another kiss. This time, it’s directly upon his lips, petal-soft touch softer than the flurry of cherry blossoms.
Chuuya’s eyes slowly open and he mirrors that with his lips parting slowly to accept Dazai’s tongue inside his mouth. They kiss languidly, the adrenaline rush to devour each other whole kept at bay by the fact that they’re both very careful not to hurt each other anymore, especially for their first kiss. With a shuddering breath, they pull away from each other – but not too much. Dazai’s hand is cradling the back of Chuuya’s neck and Chuuya’s hand is rubbing at Dazai’s cheek.
“Good morning, Osamu.”
Dazai shudders and drops another kiss to Chuuya’s waiting mouth.
“I was going to say I’d prefer if you called me your prince, but…” Dazai trails off, helping Chuuya sit up so that he’s straddling Dazai’s lap instead. “I much prefer you saying my name.”
“I gathered,” Chuuya comments wryly, tucking in his affections at Dazai’s earlobe, at the spot just behind his collar.
“I can’t believe you fainted after realizing what you did,” Dazai says with a laugh, his words mumbled against Chuuya’s hair, face, neck.
“I can’t believe you either,” Chuuya retorts, but it’s a mix of embarrassment and fondness.
“We’re both unbelievable.” Dazai sucks at a spot high on Chuuya’s neck so that there’s no way Chuuya can hide his marks by wearing high collars. “…I still can’t believe you weaponized my name.”
Chuuya almost says ‘I weaponized our love’, but he catches himself. It’s not like he has to say it out loud though. He has a feeling Dazai already knows.
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end