Chapter Text
It had been just over a week since Ronit had appeared in the school playground and back into our lives. She had been in between living with Daniel and I and slowly moving into her temporary accommodation that her office had arranged for her, which she hated.
‘It’s mouldy, it stinks, the hot water doesn’t work.’ I overheard her on the phone one evening in the kitchen talking to the maintenance company. She hadn’t spent a night there yet, or even a full day; every night she was in my bed, sharing my pillows and covers, holding and kissing me until I fell asleep. I still wasn’t entirely over the shock of having her here, and not just having her here but knowing she was here as mine, as my Ronit.
The flat was too small; we had been managing well enough but we both knew the three of us couldn’t live there forever. And seeing her there felt oddly wrong, like she didn’t belong. She was so beautiful, ethereal, so naturally charismatic and wonderful that in my dark, poky flat she looked like a goddess visiting a slum; lighting every corner with her aura.
I still went to work every morning, though it was painful leaving her; I would take Daniel to nursery and leave Ronit to sleep in. Every minute at school dragged for an eternity until I saw her again. She hadn’t started her new job yet; she started at the beginning of October, something to do with waiting on a contract, for a certain quarter, something she brushed off as unimportant and which I accepted. She met me after work several times, coming from her temporary flat, she even rode the bus back with me, when I told her she had to stop paying for taxis.
‘You do this every day?’ She’d asked me with a frown one day, her body pressed against mine in the crowded, musty centre of the bus.
On Saturday, the second Saturday since Ronit’s arrival, she woke me up with a breakfast of tea and toast.
‘I arranged a flat viewing for today.’ She said, sipping at the teal mug with a chip in it. ‘Would you come with me to see it?’
‘Of course.’ I just finished a mouthful of Marmite toast when she started stroking my leg. I pushed away the sadness I felt that she’d soon be living apart from me again, no doubt somewhere beautiful, somewhere she would fit. She’ll still be closer than New York, I told myself, and she’ll still be yours. ‘Dovid is… visiting this evening.’ I said, taking another bite.
Ronit smiled. ‘Ah, a family reunion.’
‘I haven’t told him you’re back, or that you’re… that we’re…’
She yawned and rested her cup on her chest as she leaned against the headboard. ‘That’s okay. We can tell him together.’
‘Really?’ I felt the relief rush through me, as though a noose had loosened around my neck.
‘Definitely. I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to see his face when he finds out.’
‘Do you think he’ll take it badly?’
‘I don’t care how he takes it to be perfectly honest.’ Ronit said, her fingers stroking slightly harder as she spoke. ‘Will Shayna come with him?’
‘I doubt it; she must be so close to her due date now.’
‘Do they know what they’re having? Boy, girl? Dovid Jr, Shayna Jr?’
‘I don’t think so. They never really tell me anything about it, which suits me.’
Ronit nodded slowly, I could tell she was thinking about something, but I couldn’t tell what.
‘What time is your viewing?’ I stretched out and nibbled another piece of toast.
‘Eleven.’ She checked her phone. ‘Plenty of time.’
‘Do you think it’s weird how quickly we’ve settled?’ I asked, out of nowhere. I suppose I must have been thinking about how normal we were, how easy our interactions had been since she returned. Like we’d always been this way, when I knew that wasn’t true.
‘No,’ she said after a while. ‘I think it’s weird how it didn’t happen sooner.’
‘And you’re happy?’
‘Of course I am.’
‘And you don’t miss New York?’
She waited then, holding her cup to her chin and staring into my eyes. They were so deep; two perfect circles of melted dark cocoa.
‘I love New York, but I love you more.’ She said eventually.
I smiled then, I felt my cheeks blushing. ‘That’s corny.’ I leant to kiss her. Her tongue was hot from the tea, and she smelt like buttered toast. ‘But thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She said with a laugh.
Eventually we both got up, when Daniel came into our room and jumped on the bed. Ronit tickled him and knocked tea over the duvet so I thought I may as well wash all of the covers. Ronit showered while I made breakfast for Daniel. By the time we were all clean and dressed, it was time to go to the viewing.
‘The agent said she’d meet me here.’ Ronit held her phone in one hand, scrolling through a mass of emails, pacing outside a long stretch of pure white apartments in Notting Hill. We’d taken a taxi, but it was almost the exact route I took to work on the bus every morning. I held Daniel’s hand while he picked at the petals of someone’s low hanging flower baskets.
‘Daniel, stop that please.’
‘Ah, here she is.’ Ronit exclaimed and strolled towards the estate agent. A tall woman in an impeccable, black, fitted suit marched towards us; her heels clacked along the pavement and her tightly pulled back hair stretched out her features. ‘Anita, hi!’ Ronit called.
‘Ronit, so good to meet you.’ Anita leant into Ronit and pecked her cheek. Suddenly I felt very frumpy, as though I was Ronit’s nanny and she’d brought me along to look after her son while she browsed expensive apartments.
‘So, you’ve seen the outside already?’ Anita carried on, not acknowledging me. Her head was constantly nodding like one of those bobble-headed figures people keep on their dashboards; her eyes burrowed into Ronit uncomfortably. ‘It’s obviously Victorian, I’m sure you knew that. There’s a shared back garden area, it’s just been entirely canvassed – it’s gorgeous. The owner has a real eye, a real eye for these things. But you’re checking out the first floor, aren’t you? Well, shall we?’
Anita clopped ahead of us and clambered the stairs awkwardly in her heels. Ronit caught a glimpse of my face and laughed; she took my hand as we followed Anita. She talked us through the whole apartment; it was huge. It opened up into a tall expanse of white walls and dark hardwood floor. The living room furniture was all new, Anita told Ronit, and some of it still had plastic on. The air smelt like fresh paint, and natural light poured in through floor-to-ceiling windows on the far side behind the kitchen. It wasn’t too dissimilar from Ronit’s flat in New York.
‘It’s three bedroom; a master and two doubles. En-suite in the master and another compact bathroom in between the two double bedrooms. All new mattresses, and one of a kind oak furniture; the owner has a special supplier. The open plan kitchen has just had an electric cooker built in…’ Anita rambled on and I tried to ignore her.
Ronit asked a few questions and was bombarded with more information. She was far more bolshy than I would have been, she tested the taps, checked the walls for mould, flicked the switches on the plug sockets and clicked all of the window locks.
‘You’re an artist aren’t you?’ Anita asked at one point. ‘I can always tell an artist when I see one.’
‘I’m a photographer.’ Ronit said, inspecting a slight swell in the wooden floor near the kitchen.
‘Ah, see, I told you. Always spot a creative type. This room…’ Anita said, leading Ronit to one of the double rooms. ‘Would make a fantastic studio.’
Ronit bit her lip. ‘Could you give us a moment?’
‘Absolutely!’ Anita said, nodding fervently. ‘I’ll step outside. Call me when you’re ready.’
She left through the front door, closing it softly behind her. We waited until we heard her heel clicks fade into silence.
‘Jesus Christ.’ Ronit spoke first. ‘She’s hard work.’
‘You’re an artist.’ I said, nodding and imitating Anita, which made Ronit stifle laughter with her hand. ‘Yes, yes I can tell you’re an artist.’ I continued.
‘God.’ Ronit said after she’d stopped giggling. ‘Are we bad?’
‘Yes.’ I said, smiling and distracting Daniel from climbing onto the sofa.
Ronit smiled. ‘So, what do you think?’
‘It’s very you.’ I said without thinking.
‘I take it that’s a good thing? You know… she’s mad but she’s right. This would make a good studio. It’s wider than the other rooms, and the light is fantastic.’
‘What about this room?’ I asked, pointing into the smaller double room.
‘This one? Well, I was thinking…’ She was biting her lip again. ‘I was thinking this could be Daniel’s room.’
Her words echoed around me, taking a while to settle.
‘Daniel’s?’
‘Well, yes. It wouldn’t make sense for him to have the master.’
‘Ronit, are we…? Are you…?’
‘Am I asking you to move in with me?’
I felt my mouth drying up because it was open, the intake of breath drawing out all of the moisture. ‘Ronit, I- I mean, I’d love to obviously but… I can’t afford… whatever this costs.’
‘That doesn’t matter.’ Ronit said, wandering off towards the master bedroom… our bedroom?
‘It does.’
‘No, it doesn’t.’ She trailed a finger along the smooth wooden windowsill of the bedroom. My heart thrummed in my chest at the thought of living here.
I heard a clatter behind me. ‘Daniel, get down from there please.’ I turned back into the bedroom. ‘Ronit, I-’
‘It’s a five-minute walk from your school.’ She said, sitting down on the plastic of the mattress, looking up at me. ‘I mean, you’d have to change Daniel’s nursery, which I don’t know… you might not want to do. But it would save you an hour commute every day, there and back.’
‘But… the rent…’
‘The rent isn’t an issue, Esti. Think about other things for a minute. Daniel’s nursery, your journey…’
‘I mean, it would be fantastic…’ My heart was beating rapidly. Could I actually be talking about living here? I compared it quickly to the flat I was in now, they were worlds apart.
‘That’s better.’ Ronit smiled, her lips parting slightly. She leant back slightly, watching me.
‘And we- I mean, I could move Daniel to a closer nursery. He’s young, he’ll make new friends. And I could… I could potentially pay half of the rent, I could… try to at least.’
Ronit waved a hand at me. ‘We can discuss that another time. But you like it?’
‘I love it!’
‘What you doing?’ A small voice behind me enquired. Daniel had entered the room, scratching his head.
‘We’re talking about your new house.’ Ronit said before I had a chance to speak. ‘Do you like it?’
Daniel’s mouth dropped. ‘My house?’ He asked incredulously.
‘Yes! Your house! If you want to live here, of course.’ Ronit peered around me to see Daniel, I took a step backwards and was close enough to her that she held my hand.
Daniel gasped. ‘Yes! My new house!’
‘Shall I show you your room?’ Ronit asked excitedly.
‘Yes please!’ Daniel squeaked and jumped on the spot. Ronit stood up and looked at me.
‘I suppose he’s made his decision.’ She shrugged. ‘Can’t go back on it now.’ She kissed my lips, then led Daniel to see his bedroom.
We left the apartment in good spirits; not even Anita’s persistent nodding or shrillness could dampen my mood. Ronit had arranged to visit the estate agent’s office on Monday morning, to sign papers and pay the deposit. I’d offered to come with her and withdraw cash to pay towards it but she had cut me off abruptly.
We lingered in Notting Hill for a while before heading back to my flat, which seemed swamp-like and rotten in my head now. We dawdled along Portobello Road towards the market which was thronging with people. Ronit held Daniel’s hand while I picked up some fresh mushrooms, onions, carrots and tomatoes for dinner. We saw a street entertainer juggling and dropping balls, cabbages and pins, which gave Daniel a laughing fit. We reached the end of the long stretch of carboot style stalls, Daniel eyed every toy he saw and Ronit bent down at one point to inspect an old camera.
‘I think this is a real Leica M6.’ She whispered to me. ‘And it’s got a price tag of £300.’
‘I don’t know what that means.’ I admitted, wrestling a broken superhero toy from Daniel’s grip.
‘It’s an old camera, they’re usually like £1000…’ she was frowning, creating two small lines between her eyebrows. ‘So it’s either an expensive fake… or a real model for a massive bargain.’
In the end, she bought it. She had actually offered more than the asking price after speaking to the seller.
‘He knew his stuff,’ she said studying the camera as we walked to the tube station. ‘This has got to be real.’
I tried to pretend I wasn’t shocked that she had just dropped £300 on a camera, and that I could never imagine doing that. I listened to her speak about her camera, and Daniel talking about his superhero with one leg that he’d insisted on buying for 50p.
‘He lost it.’ He told me. ‘Fighting.’
‘He’s brave.’ I said.
‘No, he’s stupid.’ Daniel replied.
I heard a knock on the door around 6:15pm that evening when I was preparing the vegetables; the nerves that had been simmering in my stomach erupted into giant nauseous bubbles.
‘Daddy! Daddy!’ Daniel yelled as he darted for the front door. I heard Ronit following him and I bolted.
‘I’ll get it.’ I said walking hurriedly past her, wiping my hands on my trousers.
‘Oh, okay.’ Ronit took a step backwards.
I opened the door and Daniel jumped up into Dovid’s arms. But it wasn’t just Dovid, he was accompanied by a gigantic and uncomfortable looking Shayna.
‘Hello my son.’ Dovid said, smiling.
‘Oh, hello Shayna.' I said. 'I didn’t know you were coming.’
‘Mm.’ Shayna avoided my eyes and paid all of her attention to Daniel. That’s when I felt Ronit’s hand sliding around my waist.
‘Dovid! Shayna!’ She practically yelled. ‘So good to see you! Your beard’s got longer.’
Dovid blinked several times in succession, his mouth slowly opened and shut, then opened again. His eyes shot from Ronit, to me, to Ronit’s fingers curling around my hip.
‘Ronit.’ He said feebly. ‘I… didn’t know you were back.’
Shayna looked repulsed; this time she did look at me and I felt the disgust pulsing from her.
‘Very long story, do you have thirty years?’ Ronit joked, but this was no time for laughter.
‘Come in, I’ll make tea.’ I suggested, trying to clear the very obvious awkward air in the doorway. Daniel had been watching the entire episode with a curious look on his smooth face.
I let Shayna and Dovid into the living room, though they moved with slow steps, then went to the kitchen. Ronit followed me shortly after.
‘That went well.’ She said.
‘You could have been a bit more subtle.’ I said, throwing teabags into cups.
‘Where’s the fun in that? You’re not annoyed are you?’
‘No.’ I said, rubbing my temple. ‘No, I just – we could have gone a bit softer.’
‘My hand was on your waist.’ Ronit said incredulously.
‘You’ve been out of the community too long.’ I clicked the kettle on, appreciating the sound of the gentle searing steam. ‘And you’re forgetting the obvious problem.’
‘I haven’t forgotten… I just don’t care what they think.’
‘Well, I… do. Just a fraction.’
Ronit moistened her lips and huffed. ‘Okay, sorry. I’m sorry.’ She approached me and brought her arms around my neck, holding me close to her own warm body.
‘It’s okay. I just… I get scared.’
‘I know.’ She stroked my hair.
I don’t think she really knew the real reason. There were stories I had read; horror stories of former Jewish mothers having their children ripped away by their husbands, for far less than what I was doing. I would never speak of that to Ronit, she’d scoff and tell me I was speaking nonsense. I couldn’t tell her.
I returned to the frosty living room with hot tea. Daniel had been telling Dovid about his holiday, whilst Shayna sat on a stool rubbing her stomach. She didn’t look at either Ronit or me the whole evening.
‘We got a new house today.’ Daniel said, after he had spent a long time talking about his superhero with one leg.
I almost choked on my tea.
‘Did you?’ Dovid asked, stroking his dry beard.
‘Yep! Me and mummy and Ronit.’
Dovid looked up at me, though I tried desperately to act natural. Shayna shifted slightly in her seat, I could barely see her face over her stomach.
‘A new house?’ Dovid asked me.
‘It’s my flat.’ Ronit stepped in, I didn’t know if I was relieved or scared. ‘They came with me to see it. And Daniel claimed himself a room, didn’t you?’
‘Yep!’ Daniel said, deflating the tension in the room slightly. Ronit held her hand up to high-five Daniel, I heard Shayna exhale loudly through her nostrils.
I went back into the kitchen to prepare dinner; I normally let Dovid and Daniel have their alone time so this wasn’t unusual. I indicated for Ronit to follow me.
‘This is awful.’ I said, picking up the knife. ‘When we do move in with you, Dovid is going to know we just lied to him.’
‘Christ, I can’t tell the truth, I can’t lie.’ Ronit exclaimed under her breath.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. This is difficult.’ I placed the knife down and held my head.
‘Esti, darling.’ Ronit stood behind me and kissed the nape of my neck. ‘Please, calm down.’
It was on the tip of my tongue then. Tell her, I thought. Just tell her. But I didn’t. I prepared dinner in silence as she offered to help and studied her new camera.
Around 8pm, the time Dovid normally left, I made my way into the living room to collect the cups. I heard Shayna’s muffled voice through the door.
‘Disgusting… he’s your son… sinful.’
I felt the blood rush to my head and red blotches patterning my neck. I opened the door, Shayna’s voice ceased immediately.
‘It’s getting late, and he hasn’t eaten yet.’ I said, attempting poorly to disguise the tremble in my voice.
‘Of course.’ Dovid smiled faintly and hugged Daniel. He helped Shayna up from the sofa, and I had to hold back to urge to hit her.
How dare you speak like that in front of my son, I would have yelled. How dare you talk about made up things like sin and shame around him? How dare you judge his mother when his mind is so young and innocent that you could warp the free way in which he thinks?
But I didn’t do anything of the sort. I waved them off in silence and returned to dinner in silence. I let Ronit and Daniel eat and talk and involve me minimally. Ronit helped me put Daniel to bed and read him a story when I didn’t have the energy.
And when I went to bed that night, with Ronit’s knees curled up behind mine, her hands on my chest and her breath on my neck, I knew my worst fears were valid and I needed to address them before it was too late.