Chapter Text
Chapter One: Broken
She hadn't known how much her leaving would affect him. At least, that's what she told herself. An excuse, a rationalization. Something to soothe her stinging conscience. But what did it matter now? When he was so...broken. The damage was done.
"I cannot in good conscience allow you to go in there, my dear," the White Queen said softly. Her eyes were sad, already mourning the man within as if he were dead. Perhaps that would have been better for him.
"No, I can go. He won't hurt me."
"He isn't the same man he was when you left, Alice. You cannot know what he will do now. He might not even remember you."
Alice swallowed hard. This had all been her fault. If only she hadn't left... "He'll remember me. And if he doesn't, I'll remind him." Mirana searched Alice's eyes, seeing the resolve in Underland's Champion and knowing there was nothing she could do to change the girl's mind.
"If you're quite certain-"
"I am." Alice turned to enter the room, but Mirana stopped her.
"If you must, then you will not be without protection, at least. Take these." She handed Alice a set of throwing knives. Their blue and green hilts glinted coldly in the light. When Alice started to rebuff the offering, Mirana insisted. "You are already taking a terrible risk going in there, Alice. I won't have you go without some means of defending yourself. And the guards will remain outside the door. You have only to call them and they will come to your aid."
Reluctantly, Alice took the knives and looked to the guards. "I'm sure I won't need them. But if it will make you feel better-"
"It will." Mirana started to turn, then looked back at Alice. Distress was clear in her eyes. "And Alice...be careful."
"I can handle it. I can handle him." She stood up to her full height, every inch the Champion she'd shown herself to be. Mirana nodded, accepting that Alice would hold her own.
"I only hope he can handle you ."
Alice stepped into the room and closed the door firmly behind her. She bolted it. No matter what happened, she didn't want the guards coming in and interrupting them. If they came in at the wrong time, if they broke whatever connection she could gain with him, all would be lost. No, she couldn't allow that. She accepted the risk. One way or another, no one from the outside was getting in.
"Hatter?" She kept her voice soft, speaking the way she would to a cornered animal. "Hatter, it's me. Alice."
Across the room, Tarrant froze.
Alice?
Alice?
It wasn't possible. No, no, his mind must be playing tricks on him. Naughty of it, really. So cruel-
Wha' a rath, slithy, guddler thin'a do. He ought'a hurt it for hurtin' him so, bash i'in, crush i'ta pulp-
"Hatter," Alice spoke again. Tarrant's head snapped up. Alice. The real Alice. He'd know that voice anywhere! It really was his Alice!
"Alice!" he lisped happily. And there she was, standing just inside the room. The room! "Oh, dear me," he whispered, mortified at the state of his quarters. "Do forgive me, Alice, it seems I've upset the tea service, and the cups are quite shattered. More than when Thackery throws them even. I haven't the faintest idea how they all got to be like this, but I'll see what I can do about getting us some proper tea sent up. After all, it's not every day Alice returns to me! Back, back at last!"
Alice smiled as Hatter rambled. He seemed so much his old self that despite the destruction of the room, she couldn't help but wonder if the others were wrong in their assessment of his condition.
"Yes, back at last," she said happily, crossing the room to him.
"Back! Before you know it, you said, you promised, gave yer word an' then broke it ye slurking urpal slackush scrum! 'Ow dare ye come back nauw, battin' yer shukm lashes a' me, ye lian' bloody-" He was crossing the room to her quickly, eyes wild and filled with rage. She backed against the wall, suddenly knowing her friends hadn't been wrong. He was broken, shattered, split into a million pieces. She was brought up short, no where else to run. She was strong and nimble, but could she best him when he was in the grip of his madness? " Cringin' away from me nauw?! " Tarrant howled his fury, slammed both his hands onto the walls on either side of her head and snarled at her. "Afraid of me, Alice? Are ye worried I'll strike ye? Cut yer lian' slackush tongue from yer mouth? Do ya thin' I'll break yer wee bones and toss ye aside like the shukm ye are?" One hand moved from the wall and wrapped her hair tightly around his fist. He jerked her head up so she was staring into his eyes. Alice gripped the handle of one of the throwing knives the queen had given her. No matter what, she wouldn't let him hurt her. He'd never forgive himself for it when he woke up from the madness, and she wouldn't let that happen.
His grip on her hair was hard and insistent, only just not painful. He brought his face only centimeters away from hers and she could feel his breath on her cheek. " Doona doubt tha' I want to hurt ye, Alice. I wan' to punish ye, make ye pay for all th'waitin' ye made me do. But no' li' that, lass. Nae, wha I've planned for ye will be much more...draken." Alice's breath caught in her throat. She had no idea what 'draken' meant, but suddenly she wanted very much to find out. His face was so close to hers that their noses brushed. Tarrant bared his teeth at her, a snarl with such wicked promise behind it that she felt she might go weak in the knees.
"Hatter..." His name left her lips in a breathy plea. He blinked, looked at her pale face and wide eyes as if seeing them for the first time in a long while, and then backed away abruptly. Alice almost fell when he did, suddenly feeling a twinge of understanding for all those silly women Upland who swooned at the sight of their suitors. She pressed her back hard against the wall to keep from embarrassing herself.
"Alice?" Tarrant shook himself. "Oh dear, I'm so dreadfully sorry!" He reached out as if to straighten her mussed hair but stopped before he touched her. He let his hand fall and twisted his fingers fretfully. "Tell me I didn't hurt you, Alice," he lisped pleadingly. His eyes were filled with so much remorse that Alice feared he might cry.
"No, not at all," she assured him, still trembling. "I'm fine, Hatter, I promise."
"Oh good," he said cheerfully. "Wouldn't do to hurt you on your first day back! No, not at all! Musn't hurt Alice! Not ever! Why, you might not stay if I did such a terrible thing. You are planning to stay, aren't you Alice?"
"Y-yes," Alice said softly. "Of course." She took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart. Why did she suddenly feel...bereft? Hatter's madness had been terrifying! So why couldn't she stop thinking about the way he'd caged her in, pressed his body to hers? Why did she wish this Hatter would put his hands on her? "I always meant to come back for good, you know."
"For good, yes, it's very good, very good indeed! And now that you're here it's good, better, best! The very best! Everything will be fine now that you've returned. You're dreadfully late you know. Naughty." He grinned at her, and then his gaze darkened. " Naughty, naughty lass, keepin' me waitin' all this time, denyin' me what's rightfully mine!" There was a loud thump from outside the door and then, just as quickly as he'd come, Dark Tarrant was gone. "Terribly sorry," he squeaked. Alice suppressed her shiver and only smiled at him. "Tea, we must have tea! Let me see if I can salvage some of these cups here..." He bent and started picking through the rubble that spread across the floor.
"No, let me just run and get a tea tray." She turned and started for the door, intending to ask one of the guards to send Thackery up with a tray for them. She hadn't taken more than two steps when strong, calloused hands gripped her shoulders and yanked her back against a hard body.
" No ye don'" he growled into her ear menacingly. " Jus' got ye back. I doona have any plans to let ye outta me sight 'ne time soon, Alice. Ye'll be stayin' ri' here wyth me, lass. We've much to discuss, ye an' I. " This time, Alice couldn't suppress her shiver- though she didn't know if it was a shiver of fear or excitement.
"Let me go, Hatter," she forced herself to say clearly. "I'm just going to see about tea." She couldn't let whatever bizarre reaction she was having to this side of him sway her. She could bring him back to the light.
" 'E's the one who wan's the bloody tea," he snarled, gripping her tighter. " Wha' I've in mind for ye is far more...engagin' an' far less...proper. Ye can 'ave tea when 'e's back. In the mean time..." He let his mouth press against her neck, lips and teeth tormenting her. Alice fought to be outraged, fought to want to push him away. But no such conviction came to her rescue.
"Hatter-"
" Do nae call me tha'! 'E's no' me."
"What?"
" Yer Mad Hatter. I'm nae him. He is'nae me. Ye'll know who's havin' ye when I take ye. An' it's no' him. Say my name, Alice."
"I don't-" she tried to catch her breath, tried to understand what he was telling her. "I don't know-"
" Ye do ken. Ye do, Alice. Say it. Say my name."
"T-Tarrant," she gasped. His teeth bit down on the crook of her shoulder. She cried out, back arching up to him.
" Aye, tha's it, lass. My pretty slurvish slin. Such a good girl." His hands slid down to cup her breasts. Alice stiffened in outrage. Had he just called her a...slin? How dare he! She whirled out of his grip, hand raised to slap him. His own hand shot out like a bolt, catching her wrist and pinning it to her side. She bucked, throwing her weight forward to get him off balance. He countered by pressing her back against the wall. When her other hand came up, he caught it and slammed it against the wall. Her foot lashed out, getting a sharp kick at his shin and stomp on his instep before he pinned her legs as well. " There's my feisty Alice," he crooned with a devilish smile. "Show me jus' 'ow much fight ye've got."
Furious, Alice slammed her head forward and connected solidly with his forehead. Pain exploded across her own forehead. His nose! Damn it, she should have gone for his nose! But something inside her would not allow her to truly hurt him. Despite the pain, the attack gave her enough time to get her hands free and shove him forward. He regained his senses quickly though and pushed her back. His eyes were wild with menace and delight. Both hands fisted in her hair and his lips crashed down on hers with brutish force. When she gasped, his tongue took advantage and forayed into her mouth, tasting and teasing without mercy.
There was something...some reason she ought not allow him to kiss her this way. Some reason she should stop him. She should bite his tongue and then knee him. She wasn't some weak little girl. She could fight him off, force him to stop...if only she wanted him to!
" Oh, tha thin's I'm goin'tae do ta ye, Alice... Goin' tae make ye scream my name. Goin' ta hold ye daun an take ye till ye beg me tae stop, an' then I'll fook ye again. Harder ."
"Hatter-"
" Tha's no' my name!" Tarrant hissed the words so viciously that Alice flinched back. It woke her from whatever stupor she'd fallen into. She could not allow this to go on. No matter what her traitorous body wanted.
"Hatter!" She slapped her hand against his chest sharply. He blinked, the red haze flickering, then clearing from his eyes.
"Oh," he said softly, looking down at where he had her pinned against the wall. "Oh dear me!" He backed up immediately, dropping his hands as if they were burned. "Oh Alice! Please forgive me! Such coarse language I used! Such brutish manners! You must believe I would never treat you in such a way in my right state of mind!"
"I know, Hatter," Alice said with a small smile. "It's alright. I'm fine."
"Oh, I can't seem to stop myself from switching over!" He wrung his hands again and looked at her miserably. Then, he took a deep breath as if bracing himself. "You should go, Alice," he lisped mournfully. "You're not safe here. Not with him lurking about."
"I am safe, Hatter." She stopped him when he started to interrupt. "But I'll go get the tea like I said, then we can talk more. I'll be right back, alright?" He watched her fretfully, then nodded.
"Right back," he murmured. How terrible that he wanted to stop her! How awful that the beast inside him fought to rise up as she made her way to the door! How slurvish that he wasn't strong enough to tell her not to come back! He hung his head, unable to watch her walk out the door.
Alice stopped just outside the door, took a deep breath and tried to soothe her frayed nerves. They'd only been reunited for ten minutes and already Alice was so twisted up inside she thought she'd go mad. A humorless smirk crossed her face. At least if she went mad, she wouldn't be the only one.
She started to speak to one of the guards but noticed the queen failing miserably to pretend to be studying a tapestry down the hall.
"Your majesty," she started over to the queen, who jumped guiltily.
"Mirana, my dearest. You must call me Mirana out of court. How is he?"
Alice took a breath, not sure how to explain. But then, the queen probably knew. "Mad," she said simply. Mirana nodded sadly.
"But you're alright?"
"I'm fine." She dearly hoped her hair covered the red mark he was bound to have left on her neck from his bite. "But it seems he's broken all the tea pots and cups in his room. Do you think Thackery could-"
"Oh of course, Alice. I'll have him send a tray right up. Are you going back in?"
"Yes. I promised." Mirana nodded and turned to head down to the kitchens. The march hare would be more than happy to send up more crockery to be smashed to bits. "Mirana," Alice called after her. "Do you happen to know what draken means?"
"Oh!" The queen turned quickly, a blush stealing over her cheeks. "Well...I suppose...in Upland...it would mean something like... kinky ." She blushed further and then one pale hand fluttered to her throat. "Wherever did you hear such a crass word, dear?"
"Nowhere," Alice lied quickly. Mariana watched her carefully, then sighed and went to ask Thackery about the tea. Alice let out a relieved breath. She didn't know what the queen would have done if she'd known what Tarrant had said to her. She turned and studied the door leading to the Hatter's room, another shiver running through her. Draken. The word bounced around in her head like a shot. She'd expected as much, but hearing it spoken plainly... Hatter was the purest sort of gentleman, but it was obvious that Tarrant had no such qualms about propriety.
So why didn't that scare her?
0o0o0o0o0o
In less than five minutes, Thackery brought up a tray arranged with a wild assortment of tea things. Alice took the tray after expressing her gratitude to her friend. He twitched, snatched up one of the many extra tea cups on the tray, hurled it down the stairs and then took off after it. Alice shook her head at his antics and then went back to face Tarrant.
When she opened the door, he was muttering to himself fiercely and his eyes flicked from clear green to cloudy red.
"Hatter?"
He jerked his head up, green winning the clash in his eyes. "Alice!" He grinned at her. "You came back!"
"Of course I did. I promised, didn't I?"
" Aye, ye promised, an' some comfort yer promises are, ye bloody-"
" Hatter!"
"Terribly sorry, dear. Tea?" He forced himself back under control and went about pouring tea for them. Alice noticed how his hands trembled with the strain. He was practically splitting at the seams trying to hold Dark Tarrant (as she'd already begun to refer to him) back. She wanted to weep in sympathy for him. In guilt for what she'd done to him. Instead, she took the cup he handed her and sipped it slowly. As usual, it was prepared perfectly despite the odd assortment of things he'd added to it.
"Hatter," she started cautiously, "can you tell me what happened?"
"Whatever do you mean?" His bandaged and be-thimbled fingers froze on the cup.
"Before...when I was here before, you slipped into Outlandish sometimes, but it wasn't like this. There wasn't..."
"Two of me?" he supplied helpfully.
"Precisely. It's as if you're split between this you and the other you."
"Oh, Alice. I'm not sure which me is the real me any longer. And that frightens me. It never used to be like this..."
"What happened?"
"You left. You left an' then there was naught bu' darkness an' despair, an' the endless waitin' for ye to return-" Red eyes burned into hers and then faded back to green. "Ahem...and that's when it started to get worse. There were things...things I thought. Terrible things."
"What kinds of things?"
"About you. About wanting. Needing." His pale skin flushed. "But I put them from my mind. Right away! Couldn't let such uncouth thoughts run wild, you know! I pushed them all away whenever they showed their dirty little faces until one day they just took over! And then it was as if every bad thought I'd ever had just ran amok in me. I couldn't stop it, Alice! I tried, I promise I did! And eventually, I became this me again. But then the other me came back, and now I can't hardly control it." He lowered his head into his scarred hands and sighed. "It's why you shouldn't be in here with me, Alice. Mirana has kindly kept me away from those I might hurt. But you most of all. You have no idea the things the other me will do to you."
Alice felt a coil of anticipation and fear tighten in her gut. She had an idea of what Dark Tarrant wanted from her. But if the theory that had begun to form in her head was true, it meant that this Tarrant wanted it as well somewhere deep inside, too.
"Do you trust me, Hatter?"
"Of course, Alice! With my life!"
"Then I need you to trust me with my life. Can you do that for me?"
Tarrant studied her face. Could he trust her that much? He knew what she was asking. She wanted him to trust that she wouldn't allow the other part of him to harm her. That she would defend herself against him if need be. He knew just how swift and cruel he could be. But he also knew how fierce and formidable his Alice could be.
"I'll try," he whispered. Honestly, he thought he could do anything if it meant she would stay by his side.
"Alright then. I need to go talk to the queen, and then we are leaving the castle."
"Leaving?"
"Yes. I have an idea. But to see if it will work, we'll need privacy and solitude. Can we go to your cabin in Witzend?"
"Witzend? Yes, but-"
"Then I'll speak to the queen immediately. If there's anything here you want to take with us, pack it up."
"But Alice!"
"Trust me," she smiled at him. She had a plan. It could work. After all, nothing was impossible in Underland.
O0o0o0o0o0o0
Tarrant fought to retain control as Alice slipped from the room. The other Tarrant didn't like the sight of her leaving. He didn't like it at all. He fought viciously for control, fought to keep her tethered to his side for eternity. But Tarrant knew what that other part of him wanted her for.
It had started out innocuously enough. She'd said she'd be back before he knew it. But then he knew it and she was not back. He had the thoughts of longing first. Of wanting Alice. Of needing her in ways he'd not needed a woman since before Time had abandoned him. The thoughts slipped insidiously around his brain until they became simply too improper, too knavish to allow any longer. He'd banished them away.
Then came the anger. Each season that crawled by and didn't bring Alice built the resentment. Why hadn't she returned? Why hadn't she come back to him? She ought to have- she'd promised! He'd wanted to punish her for making him wait, for making him suffer. The thoughts of punishment allowed the thoughts of needing to creep back into his mind. And then suddenly he was thinking of ways to slake both lusts on her.
He'd been shocked to his core to realize what he wanted to do to his Alice. His pure, innocent Alice. He should have been run through on the spot for even thinking such things about her. So he'd banished those thoughts as well. All of them. Barred them soundly from his mind.
And then one day his careful control had snapped and they came flooding in. Every dirty impulse he'd ever suppressed rose to the fore and roiled through him. 'E would get his Alice back. 'E'd get 'er, an' when 'e did, 'e'd make her suffer like 'e'd suffered. She'd scream 'is name an' beg fer mercy, but 'e'd grant 'er none. Jus' like she'd given 'im none. An' afore tha' firs' night was through, 'e'd 'ave taken 'er so hard, dominated 'er so thoroughly that she'd ne'er dare tae leave 'im again!
And so the other Tarrant had been borne. It wasn't like the madness before. This was so very different, so very frightening. He no longer knew who he was. Was this the real Tarrant? Or was the other? What would happen if one of them left forever? What would happen if one didn't?
O0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0
"It's not his madness," Alice announced when she'd made her way to the queen's room.
"I beg your pardon, Alice?"
"This isn't a hatter's madness!" She paced with her excitement, the idea solidifying in her mind and her plan making more and more sense. "It's something else entirely."
"Whatever do you mean?"
"These...rages that he goes into. They aren't madness, but an outlet for repression. They are part of him , of who he is at heart."
"I must protest, Alice. Tarrant is very kind and gentle at heart."
"I'm not saying he isn't, your majesty. But there is some darkness inside all of us. Thoughts we push down because they are too dark to ever see the light of day. Things we hold back... Tarrant has those just as much as the rest of us. But when I left, he had so many of those thoughts he couldn't hold them all back any longer. They needed to come out, and since the goodness inside of him couldn't allow it, the darkness took over."
"You think he's essentially split himself into good and evil?"
"Not good and evil necessarily," Alice stilled and tried to find the right words. She didn't think the Dark Tarrant was evil. "More like restraint and indulgence or wholesome and degenerate."
"And you think you can cull the degenerate from him somehow?" Mirana was doubtful.
"No! Not at all. It's part of him. Part of who he is. What I want to do is merge them back together. If I can force the two halves back together, he will be like he was- good and bad, light and dark...whole."
"And however will you go about putting him back together?"
"I'd like your permission to take him back to his home in Witzend. Once I get him there, I'll start helping him accept both halves of himself."
"I am his friend, Alice, not his jailer. You do not need my permission to take him to his home. But I want you to remain cautious. Just because that darkness inside of him hasn't harmed you yet doesn't mean that it will not try to later. You know he would not be able to live with himself if something happened to you. And if it were by his own hand..."
"I know, Mirana. I've asked him to trust me to do what is right for both of us. I'll ask that same trust of you as well."
"Of course you have my trust, Champion of Underland." Mirana gave her a little smile. "I would dearly love to have my hatter back. And I know of no one else who stands a chance of bringing him back to himself."
"Thank you, your majesty."
"I'll break you of that habit yet, Alice," Mirana said with a laugh. Then her expression turned serious. She thought back to the Outlandish word that Alice had asked her the meaning of. "One last thing, my dear..." She paused, unsure how to phrase what she wanted to say. "There is no way to know for certain what it will take to put Tarrant back together. And until you do, you will be at the mercy of both parts of him. Are you absolutely certain you are prepared to handle what comes from that?" It was the most delicate way she could pose the question. She just hoped Alice understood what she was driving at.
Alice understood perfectly. She'd gotten the thread of Dark Tarrant's desires too clearly to have any doubts. If he had his way, he would have her. Have her in dark, frightening, draken ways. If she lost control of the situation, her body was forfeit. Could she handle that? If her body's warm shiver was any indication, she could. More than. Perhaps there was even more darkness inside of her than she'd ever anticipated. Some wild, untamed part of her that rose to the challenge Dark Tarrant posed, reveled in his wicked promises...
Did she want Tarrant?
Wholeheartedly.
Even before she'd come back to Underland (and if she was honest, before she'd left) she had known she wanted more than friendship from the Hatter. What she felt for him went beyond the bounds of proper society. She had no idea what courting was like in Underland- or even if they had marriage!- but it didn't matter. If Hatter would have her, she would go to him in whatever form was accepted in Underland. After all, what did propriety matter down here? What did she care for English customs if she could only have Hatter?
She truly was innocent in almost every aspect of the word. She'd never indulged in such scandalous desires before, never even been kissed before that searing kiss Dark Tarrant had given her in his rooms. She wasn't entirely naive of what went on between a man and a woman, though. Perhaps she ought to be repulsed, scandalized by the things Dark Tarrant had alluded to. After all, they weren't anything like the 'respectable' ways she'd heard of. But she was hardly respectable herself, after all! And his words had drawn sweet anticipation from her. Fear, yes, but desire as well.
She was more than willing to face that risk (that promise?) for Tarrant. And for herself.
"I'm prepared for all possibilities," she said firmly. Even ones she couldn't yet imagine