Chapter Text
Hey, Hyung
They said that writing a letter would help relieve some of the pressure. “Like popping a balloon and letting all the air out” were the exact words they used. And I think it’s a shitty idea but I’ve kind of run out of options so here goes:
I miss you.
I wake up every morning and lie in bed for several minutes thinking about what I’m going to do that day. How I’m going to see you sitting at the breakfast table chugging coffee like it’s the elixir of life or something. And then I remember that you’re not going to be there and I can’t breathe.
The reporters asked me if I blame myself and I gave them some half-assed answer that wouldn’t get me into trouble with the managers but I do, hyung. I do blame myself. I said I’d protect you – all of you – and I wasn’t there when you needed me.
You must have been so scared, hyung. And I can’t imagine how much pain you were in. I was so close. I was just on the other side of that door, laughing and drinking and making fucking jokes. I might as well have been the one who did it. I should have come looking for you sooner. I should have noticed him following you. I should have seen how drunk he was. I should have stopped it. It should have been me.
I keep reading the comments online. The others tell me not to; that it’s just going to make things worse, but I can’t stop myself. Most of them are from fans. They’re all praying for you. If you could see how much love those people can give, you would smile so wide. God, I miss that smile. There are some messages, though, that aren’t so kind. I just don’t understand how people can say the shit that they say. You did not deserve it. You did not provoke him. You couldn’t even speak his language so how the hell were you supposed to have been asking for it?
Someone said that BTS will be better off without you.
I wanted to throw up. How could we stand on a stage and perform without you? It would be an insult. It would be sick and twisted and I think I might completely break down if I even tried. I’m barely holding it together, hyung. The managers tried to get us to see a therapist but it would just be a waste of time. I wouldn’t be able to find the words.
I keep dreaming about the blood. It was everywhere. I had to throw out all my clothes and even then it seemed like I was still drenched in it. I felt your broken bones. I carried your mutilated body. I heard the last words you choked out before your heart stopped as I held you. I was the last person to see your eyes. God, hyung, I would write you a thousand songs, I would sell everything I owned, I would end my career in a heartbeat, I would do anything in this world if I could just see your eyes again.
Please don’t leave me.