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1.
It was a terrible plan, in retrospect. It wasn’t even a full plan, it was like, 12% of a plan. They had all been on the move constantly, exhausted beyond all belief, when they had stumbled upon it. An weapons assembly ship for the Galra empire, one of the main reasons why the Galra were so successful. Shiro and Allura had immediately launched a plan for the others, and they had all agreed.
Well, all of them except for Lance.
“Guys, I don’t think this is such a good idea. I mean, we’re all exhausted! Maybe we should get some sleep and think over this a bit more before we launch ourselves at one of the most sophisticatedly and undoubtedly protected ships the Galra have to offer!” Lance said through the com, earning him a few groans through the headset.
“Jesus christ Lance, why do you have to get so much beauty sleep? Just deal with it! And this is a perfectly stable plan!” Keith bit back, causing Lance to flinch where he stood alone in the hallway that led to the control room.
‘Of course you would think that,’ Lance thought as he continued walking, bayard activated and ready to go into action, ‘Shiro came up with it, and you love Shiro.’ That thought stung more than Lance intended, causing him to sigh, earning him more fussing from the other end of the link.
It was true, of course. Shiro and Keith were in an open relationship, but had more recently added Lance to their dynamic when the nervous paladin had confessed to them in front of the others. But so far, the two hadn’t done anything to make Lance feel like they were in a relationship other than say that they were dating. Well, Shiro did, Keith didn’t.
The cuban boy glanced around at the empty halls, anxiety growing and gnawing inside of him. “Guys, I REALLY don’t like this. Where is all the guards?”
Lance whispered into the headset, hoisting his bayard up and slowing his gait to a slow walk. “Lance, just shut up. It’s obviously off time, so they’re gone.” Pidge retorted, and Lance felt something edge at the back of his consciousness.
“But where are the sentries? The guards?”
“Lance, can’t you just shut up and follow orders? Now get the information from the control room!” Keith yelled into headset, echoing around Lance’s head as the blue paladin tried to control the tears that quickly built up in his eyes. As he walked up to the control room’s door, the edging at his consciousness almost painful now as he turned the handle and slowly stepped into the room.
Suddenly, he knew why there was no Galra on the ship.
“Guys it’s a tr-!”
Something exploded in front of him, sending him flying back into a wall with a painful crack. His eyes fought to stay open as he hit the ground, out of focus. The sound of blaster fire came from far away, and something warm and wet slid down his head. Lance glanced around, seeing his helmet cracked and lying a few feet away from him. A hand shakily reached up, touching the side of his head. It came back red. The room started to fill with smoke, and Lance’s chest heaved with the effort to draw in a breath. “Sh...Shiro…” He murmured, before his hand fell back onto the floor and his eyes slipped shut.
He passed out to the sound of blaster shots and shouts.
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His eyes opened briefly, breath coming out in small clouds, before everything that was keeping him upright disappeared. There was a swoosh and a pair of warm hands caught Lance, preventing him from face planting on the ground.
“Lance!” Shiro’s voice echoed in his ears, and slowly his eyes opened. The team stood around him, staring at him with faked concern, and barely concealed contempt. Shiro stood in front of Lance, holding him up, the only one actually concerned.
“All you alright? We heard the explosion and came running, but there were so many Galra and you weren’t breathing and-”
Lance interrupted Shiro with a smile, straightening himself with Shiro’s help.
“I’m alright, just a little woozy.” His chest tightened when Shiro sent a relieved smile his way, but the moment was ruined by Keith pushing his way in between the two. “What the hell Lance!” Lance stepped back, startled at the sudden outburst.
“You could have ruined the whole mission!” his eyes widened as Shiro frowned down at Keith. “Keith, it wasn’t Lance’s fault that the Galra saw our ship before we saw them. They knew we were coming, so they planted a trap. That wasn’t Lance’s fault.”
Keith looked furious as he reached out, jabbing a finger harshly into Lance’s chest. “If he had just shut his trap when we told him to, then he wouldn’t have gotten hurt!” Lance could feel something in his chest crack open as Keith blamed him for their mistakes.
“I… I tried to tell you guys that it wasn’t a solid pla-”He gasped as Keith’s hands met his chest in a harsh push, making him take a step back.
“NO! Don’t you dare blame this on us! If you had just kept your mouth shut when we told you to, then none of this would have happened! Lance’s face went from shocked to blank in an instant, and he turned away from the team. “Fine. Think whatever Keith.”
He quickly walked out of the room, hiding his shaking shoulders, and his face, red from shame.
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2.
This time, it wasn’t some big mission or task. It happened at dinner, when they were eating. Lance didn’t do it.
Really.
“Jesus christ Lance look what you did!” Keith’s angry voice echoed in the room as Lance stood, looking down at his food goo that laid on the floor. His stomach growled, and he could feel the beginnings of a headache starting as Pidge joined in. “Why didn’t you move! You could have just moved you idiot!”
Lance didn’t say anything, replaying the events in his head, trying to find out why it was his fault.
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Lance walked into the dining room, a smile on his face as he talked animatedly to Shiro, who smiled as he listened. It was dinner, and they were all starving from the training session they just had. The rest of the team were already at the table, chatting as Coran served their food goo. Shiro had just taken his seat, and Lance was going just about to take his when he heard a shout. He whipped around to see Coran trip over his own feet, falling backwards. His body reacted faster than his mind, reaching out to grab orange haired man by the arm, preventing him from cracking his head open on the hard counters.
Unfortunately, his bowl of food in Coran’s hands went flying and landed on the floor, but Lance was more preoccupied with making sure Coran was okay. “Dude, you good?” he whispered as he helped Coran get a stable balance, and Coran flashed him a smile. “Yes, thanks to you Lance!” Their attention was grabbed by an angry shout from the table, where Keith had stood up, pointing at Lance’s food on the floor. “Great going Lance, now Coran has to clean that up! Why didn’t you move, you idiot!’ Lance gaped as he stared at Keith. Surely he was joking? He just saved Coran! “Wha-”
Pidge stood up as Keith came over, pushing himself in Lance’s face. “Why can’t you ever do something right!” Lance flinched away as Shiro stood, a frown marring his face as he spoke sharply. “Keith!” Keith reached up, going to grab Lance, when Coran stepped in between them. “Now listen here Keith, Lance didn’t make me trip! He helped me, instead of letting me get hurt!”
An argument broke out among the others.
Lance just stared at his food.
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“Lance! Are you even listening to me?!” Keith’s voice brought him back to reality, his head pounding. His head slowly came up, staring the red paladin in the eye. “No.” Then he turned and quickly walked out, if only to hide his tears.
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3.
By now Lance was just confused. How was it his fault that Keith couldn’t sleep?
Left slash. Block. Useless. Spin. Shoot. Die. Work. Better. He needed to be BETTER.
All he had done last night was train. After the fight in the kitchen, Lance had gone straight into the training room. His tears left dried tear tracks on his face as he shot and slashed at the training bots, pushing for higher and higher levels. Many hours passed by without notice, the cuban boy’s attention only on taking out his anger on the poor bots. By the time he took a break, his head was pounding and black spots had taken up residence on the edges of his vision.
His body hurt, but not as much as his heart did. He didn’t understand. He wasn’t the one that made Coran trip. Lance didn’t purposefully spill his food.
A grumble rang out, and Lance’s face flushed. He had walked out without eating, and now he was paying the price. His stomach screamed for food, and sweat dripped into his eyes. Lance’s hands shook from the extensive workout that he did, body aching from the intensity of the levels. He had beaten Keith’s score, and a small sense of pride rose up in him.
Maybe he was good at something.
Nonsense. He was just a waste of space. He didn’t deserve to be a paladin. Cargo pilot.
Lance bowed his head, letting the sweat drip to the floor. His shirt was soaked from it, and a small smile graced his face. His hair clung to his forehead in matted clumps, and he could feel the other’s aggression pulling him into an abyss.
How was it always his fault?
The smile turned into a frown as another thought occurred to him.
How was it always. His. Fault.
He was ripped from his thoughts when the doors swished open and Shiro walked in. He looked concerned as he looked around at the destroyed training bots, before his eyes found Lances. “Oh baby-” Shiro whispered, quickly wrapping Lance in a hug. “-are you okay?” Lance smiled up at Shiro, bottom lip trembling a little at the amount of affection Shiro showed him. “Yeah, just… training. You know how I am, always have to be ready for the next mission!” Lance tried, lying completely. He didn’t care that much. He only came here to relieve himself of stress or anger.
If only he had tried harder.
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Shiro had helped him back to his room in the early hours of the morning? Night? Honestly, Lance couldn’t tell. Only Allura seemed to know, and she didn’t understand it. He leant heavily on Shiro, eyes fighting to stay open as Shiro pulled him close and opened the door to his room. Lance’s eyes had trouble focusing on the swimming images in front of him, body weighed down by sleep. “...’hiro…?” It was as if a switch had been hit the second Shiro had offered to walk him back to his room. His body forced him to realize that denying himself food and sleep was not a good thing, and he desperately needed the latter.
“I'm right here baby.” Shiro mumbles, moving the blankets on Lance. The cuban boy could feel his chest heat up at the small affection that Shiro showed. “S’ay…?” Shiro smiles slightly, before gently climbing into the bed and lying beside him. “Of course, Lance.” A loopy smile resides on the blue paladins face as he snuggled into the black paladins chest, closing his eyes.
Shiro smiles and planted a soft kiss on Lance’s forehead.
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It was the second Lance and Shiro walked into the kitchen that he was blamed. “The hell Lance!” A voice yelled, and then Keith was there, tugging Shiro away from him. “I couldn’t sleep at all last night because of you!” Lance blinked and Shiro frowned at Keith. “How is that Lance’s fault, Keith?” Keith whipped around, gaping at Shiro. “He kept you away from me all night! I couldn’t sleep because you weren’t there!” And they all knew that was a bold faced lie. They’d seen him fall asleep in the training room, with no one else around.
And that burned Lance.
Lance turned and walked out of the kitchen, followed by Shiro’s soft reprimands and Keith’s outraged yells.
How was that his fault?
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4.
Honestly though, he doesn’t understand anymore. Why was Pidge blaming him for a malfunction in the Castle Systems?!
All he had done was go back to the training room when the whole Castle seemed to shut down. The room went black, and the bot collapsed to the floor. Lance’s eyes widened, glancing around before quickly walking to the door. He pressed against it, trying to open it. No luck. The Cuban boy pressed his hands against the door, staring up at it. “Oh quiznak…” Lance murmured, grabbing at the door again. “Open…!”
It didn’t budge. ”QUIZNAK!” He yelled, kicking the door before sliding down the wall. His head fell back against the wall, sighing. His body screamed at him from exhaustion and hunger, sleep tugging at his eyes, trying to draw him into its depths. Lance’s eyes slipped close, and slowly but surely, he fell asleep.
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It seemed like days later when the doors finally slid open, well, more like creaked open, and Shiro's voice cut into the deafening silence of the room. “Lance! Lance are you okay!” Lances head picked up off the floor, hands twitching and body aching. “S...Shiro…?” A relieved sigh echoed through the room as the taller man rushed over, crouching beside him. “Come on, the castle lost power. Pidge and Hunk are trying to find happened now.”
Lance groaned, blinking as he was dragged up, then hoisted into Shiro's arms. “How… long…?” Shiro sighed as he started to walk, carrying the weakened paladin through the halls. “Four days.”
“I… I haven’t… eaten in…. Six days….?” Lance wondered absentmindedly, and Shiro furrowed his brows. “Six…? I said four…” Lance hummed, closing his eyes. Shiro stopped abruptly, “Lance… did you… not eat before…?” The Cuban boy in his arms groaned, not answering him. “Lance, you can’t do that! You can get seriously hurt from ignoring your basic needs! And what if you fell asleep on a mission? You are putting yourself in danger!” Lance’s eyes slid open, and he stared dead up at Shiro. “I don’t care.” He responded, before his head fell against Shiro’s shoulder, and he passed out.
The taller sighed as he carried Lance to the control room, thinking over this new information in his head. Lance hadn’t been eating, and six days ago, there was… the dinner fight. And before that, the mission failure. Something in his core ached, but he ignored it. Surely Lance didn’t let all of that bother him. He wouldn’t’ve.
The doors to the control room swished open as the black paladin stepped up to them, causing the inhabitants to look at who intruded. “Shiro! Thank god!” Hunk exclaimed, and Keith smiled widely at Shiro. That was before, of course, he noticed Lance curled in Shiro’s arms. The smile wiped itself off his face and he glared at the unconscious paladin.
Shiro’s eyes found Keith’s, and he angled his body just so so that Lance’s face was blocked from their visions. “I got Lance. He was trapped in the training. Said the door shut, and wouldn't open again. I managed to pry it open, and he passed out.” Pidge huffed. “I saw the idiot messing around with the mice in the engine room the other day. I bet this was his fault.” Keith nodded, agreeing with Pidge. “Of course. Lance would be stupid enough to do something like that.”
Shiro felt that thing again, the aching, and he quickly brushed it off. “He didn’t have access to the we did, so I’m gonna let him rest then get some food in him.”
He spun around and quickly walked towards the kitchen.
Ignoring the trembling form in his arms.
Ignoring the tears that quietly slipped down the boy's face.
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5.
The last and final time Lance was blamed came along.
Sure, he’d heard Keith and Pidge whispering about him, and had noticed Hunk’s distance from him. He pretended not to notice when Allura talked over him at meetings, and only closed his eyes when Coran tried to stand up for him.
His heart went out to Shiro and Coran, for not giving up on him.
Yet he still didn’t say enough is enough. Lance just kept taking the insults and blame, smiling wider and wider each day. Yet his eyes just seemed to get duller and duller, his skin paler and paler, and his control started to slip.
Ever.
So.
Slightly.
He was walking towards the hangars when he heard it.
“God, Lance just keeps messing us up!”
Hunk.
“I agree. He’s completely out of sync with us! He’s gonna get one of us killed.”
Pidge.
“Guys, don’t talk like that…”
Shiro.
“You aren’t denying it, Paladin. I agree with Pidge and Hunk.”
Allura.
“Paladins, I demand you stop at once! It is unseemly and just rude to speak about a fellow paladin like that!”
Coran.
“Oh shut it Coran. We all agree that Lance just plain sucks at everything. He can’t fly, and he doesn’t even talk to us anymore! He’s a sharpshooter, but anyone can be a sharpshooter with training! He’s completely useless!”
Keith.
“Lance is just dragging us down! He’s the reason we’re losing this war! I wish he’d just… just go away! We can get a better paladin! For Blue! She deserves better!”
He’s the reason.
He’s the reason?
How.
Keith is the one that can’t fucking communicate with them without yelling.
Keith is the one that dragged everyone down on several missions.
It was Keith.
So how was it him?
How could it possibly be Lance?
…
Wait…
Maybe if Lance had just tried harder…
Maybe if he had just…
Of course. They were right.They were always right. Lance was wrong. It was his fault. He had to trust his friends. They had to be right. Then it was his fault. He was wrong. So then, how could he fix this?
…
That’s it. He knows now. He’ll fix this. He’ll take the problem, and make a solution, like he always did. He’d solve it by taking the problem out. He’d erase the problem. Simple.
They were right.
He was to blame.
Right…?
...Right.
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+1
And the one time they only had themselves to blame.
The castle was quiet.
Shiro’s head picked up from where he had rested it on his arm. He didn’t notice until now, but it was quiet. Well, not silent. He could faintly hear Hunk and Pidge chattering in the engine room. He could hear Allura and Coran conferring on how to find new ways of energy. He could hear the faint sounds of Keith in the training room.
But there was something missing. It wasn’t quite quiet, yet it was. Something was missing. Something like a sunny laugh in the hallways, and humming and skipping. Something belonging to a certain blue eyed paladin that was nowhere to be seen.
Lance.
“Lance?” Shiro called out as he stood from the table, where he had sat to eat. “Lance, where are you?” He yelled, walking in the direction of the elevator. A quick trip down revealed that he wasn’t down there, submerged in the anti-gravity pool and moving like a fish. A trip to the hot tub revealed the same thing. No Lance soaking in the heat with a mud mask on, cucumber slices covering his eyes as he napped.
Shiro started to get concerned.
“Lance? Lance buddy, answer me!” Shiro yelled as he emerged from the elevator once again. Hunk and Pidge poked their heads out of the engine room at the call. Pidge scoffed. “Is Lance slacking off again?” Shiro turned a fiery gaze on her. “I am not able to locate Lance. Get Keith and help me search.” Hunk muttered something under his breath, and Shiro glared. “Now.”
The yellow and green paladin’s scurried off to grab the red paladin as Shiro looked down the hallway to the bedrooms. The sinking feeling in his chest grew as he slowly, ever so slowly, walked down the hall towards the Cuban boy’s door.
Knock.
“Lance?”
No response.
Pidge and Hunk came around the corner, soon followed by Keith and Allura. ‘
Another Knock.
“Lance, buddy, are you in there?”
Again, silence.
Coran ran around the corner, brows furrowed, worry displayed on his face.
The feeling got deeper.
“Lance? Lance, I’m coming in.”
The doors slid open.
And suddenly, Shiro wished he didn’t care.
Because all that he could see was beautiful paintings, everywhere. On the sheets, on the walls, on the ceiling. Because all he could see was red, everywhere. On the sheets, on the walls, on the ceiling.
Because Lance laid on his bed, eyes shut and mouth tilted up in the barest of smiles. Paintbrush in one hand, knife in the other. The red flowed from his arms, his legs, his neck. It was a river, flooding the bed, dripping onto the floor. It decorated the sheets, the walls, the ceiling. It formed a thin layer on his body, and raced dry tear tracks on Lance’s face. He had given and given red until he could give no more.
Because Lance had decorated the room with beautiful red, red from his body, his veins. Red that used to make his body warm, made him live.
Now Lance lied there, bloody, cold.
Shiro wished he didn’t care, because Lance was dead.
All the others bowed their heads. Coran wept. Pidge trembled and Hunk closed his eyes. Allura stood in shock and Keith stared with teary eyes. But the worst thing was…
They couldn’t blame him for the twinkling stars in the Lance’s eyes to be shuttered. Eyelids like curtains on a window, blocking the light from coming through. Couldn’t blame him for splattering the room with red. Couldn’t blame him for Shuttering the Starlight in his eyes.
They had no one else to blame but themselves.
Only themselves.