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Humans would call it poison.
To us—to him, it is like malware. It feels like it’s intentionally designed to make his systems malfunction, breaking down its efficiencies and generating errors faster than he can respond to, let alone fix.
That’s what these emotions do to him. Fear, grief, anger, bitterness, hate, jealousy, and regret and so many more just like them.
If it was a wound, humans would say it festers. To him, it’s like a virus rewrote vital code that defines who he is and how his systems work.
Humans say time heals all wounds. He would say time repairs all functions. Time lets him process emotions and lets them ooze out, that sickening malware effect gone after a few hours.
But not everyone has the luxury of time to process them at their own pace.
Jericho’s reserves can’t be wasted on a thirium pump malfunctioning out of fear, wounds gushing out blood faster than it can be replaced. The heart needs to be slowed.
With a connection, the harmful emotions can be drawn out, and calm and security and purpose can be pushed into its place. He would do this—project safety to a comrade, all the while swallowing the poisonous emotions, hiding the cringe as he felt them begin to rewrite him.
On his best days, he could do this for two or three people in a row. It left him in a dizzying combination of feeling like he needed to run far way, or slam his fist into a wall, or hide and cry until his tear reserves ran dry— and some days it all blended together until he felt like he could wretch, something entirely useless to his empty systems.
Today, he needed to be better than best. Today there were seven wounded, shot at a rally for equality. Today, he had to be better than best.
While he handed her blue blood, he held out his hand. She took it without hesitation.
I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die. It repeatedly endlessly in her. He drew it out and put in its stead his calm reassurance. You are alive and you will continue to live. He repeated this until his mind’s chant was hers, and her fear was trapped safely within him.
He scanned her.
>> Blood loss reduction 22%.
She would need less blood over time—which would leave more for others. Now that her systems were normalizing, it was time to move on to the next person.
He could feel her fearful chant inside him as he crouched near the next person. I’m going to die. He shoved it away before connecting. He couldn’t let those thoughts, those emotions, accidentally transfer to someone else.
He connected again. I’m scared it hurts I’m all alone I’m scared it hurts I’m all alone I’m scared it hurts I’m all alone. He pushed back, You’re with us, your family, at Jericho, and you are safe.
>> Blood loss reduction 17%.
He could feel their emotions in him as he moved on. I’m going to die. I’m all alone.
He connected again. I can’t go out there I’m going to get hurt again I can’t go out there I’m going to get hurt again I can’t go out there I’m going to get hurt again. He pushed back, You will be safe with us and one day you’ll be brave and live again on the outside.
>> Blood loss reduction 29%.
He felt that physical feeling, like his systems needed to vomit to cleanse the emotions. I’m going to die. I’m all alone. I’m going to get hurt. He shoved their emotions aside once again.
And on and on he continued.
I can’t move I’m so scared I can’t move I’m so scared I can’t move I’m so scared.
You are fearless and strong and free.
>> Blood loss reduction 19%.
Please don’t leave me please don’t leave me please don’t leave me.
We’re all here, and you are surrounded by friends and loved ones.
>> Blood loss reduction 26%.
I can’t do this again I can’t be near humans I can’t do this again I can’t be near humans I can’t do this again I can’t be near humans.
You’re brave and you will overcome with the help of those around you.
>> Blood loss reduction 31%.
He ignored his own system’s stress warning flashing across his vision. He had just one more connection. With a shaking hand, he reached out one last time.
We can’t win we’re not worthy I’m not worthy this is proof We can’t win we’re not worthy I’m not worthy this is proof We can’t win we’re not worthy I’m not worthy.
You are worthy. We are equal.
>> Blood loss reduction 16%.
With a gasp, he let go of the last connection and stumbled to his feet, moving almost blindly. Their words, their feelings, kept tumbling through his mind.
I’m going to die. I’m all alone. I’m going to get hurt. I’m so scared. Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this again. I’m not worthy.
>>WARNING! Internal stress levels: 91%
>>WARNING! Multiple biocomponents malfunctioning
He felt like crying, like giving up and shutting down, like he was all alone, like he’d never be safe again. It moved through him, making various components generate errors faster than he could tell his systems to fix. His lungs malfunctioned like they were being crushed under heavy stones. And his eyes; he felt half blind with panic. And his nerves; he could sense nothing and everything at the same time. His core processor was overheating and he needed to gasp for breath but his chest wouldn’t expand and it felt like all he could do was wheeze and stumble blindly for the one place he needed to be.
The shock of cool air helped to normalize him. His sight returned, sharp and in focus, and his lungs could expand to bring in deep breaths. He was outside and alone. Just as he always was after connecting. It was the safest place for him to be as he moved through their emotions and carefully pulled them out of himself.
He shakily sat down, drawing up his knees and resting his arms and head against them. With a gasping sob, he finally let himself cry.
When he first cried, it was terribly disturbing to see how much emotions affected his systems. But after a few times, he began to accept the tears and gasps and groans, knowing it was the most effective way to quickly lower his stress levels.
Nothing a good cry won’t fix, the humans would say.
As he felt the heaviness leave his chest and his stress slip into the low 80%, the door flew open and the sound of quick, heavy steps startled him to look up. He barely made it to his feet before the man reached him.
“Simon! Are you alright?”
He grimaced when the other’s eyes went wide at seeing the color of his LED.
“Simon, are you damaged? Someone said that you looked like you were injured.”
“Ah, Markus. Always the caretaker,” he teased, trying his best to sound strong instead of how he really felt; light-headed and weak-kneed with fatigue.
Hands cupped his face as Markus carefully looked him over. “I don’t see any outward damage. But Simon, your stress levels, they’re... dangerously high.” A thumb swept over his cheek. “Were you… crying?”
As soon as Markus touched him, the thoughts began to clamor in his mind. I’m all alone. I’m so scared. Please don’t leave me.
“Just a little stress relief,” Simon replied, trying to sound lighthearted as he stepped back, restoring his personal space in hopes it would quiet his thoughts. “Is there something I can help you with?”
Markus looked completely bewildered. “No, I came here to help you .”
I’m not worthy shouted over the din in his mind and sent a remorseful chill down his spine. He resisted the urge to wrap his arms around himself, and instead crossed his arms in front of himself, going for a casual look, and took another half step back. “I’m fine, really. I just need some time to myself. I’ll be back to help in a bit.”
Markus stepped into his personal space again, and it physically hurt to have him so close. “Simon, let me help you. There’s got to be something wrong. What is your system report? Your stress levels… god, Simon, it’s now in the 90s!”
New thoughts crashed into the walls of his mind, leaving him feeling mentally bruised and reeling. I’m going to get hurt. I can’t do this again.
He retreated again, restoring space. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to process these emotions quickly before they buried themselves deep in his programming. He couldn’t think clearly with all those thoughts swirling in his head. He needed to get them out.
Without warning, the emotions of hurt, shame, and anger boiled up in him and burst out. “I was doing just fine before you showed up!”
Simon covered his mouth, shocked. And he nearly cried at the pained look on Markus’ face. He placed his hand on the man’s shoulder and whispered his apology.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Markus. I am not myself at the moment. I didn’t mean that, at all.” He took a step back—he was nearing the edge of the roof, he cautioned himself—and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, willing the warnings and errors to go away. “They’re just, so heavy and strong and it's hard to suppress them.”
I’m going to die echoed in his now silent mind.
Simon flinched when Markus grabbed his forearm, but he didn’t resist as the man directed him the few steps back to the center of the roof. Once far from the ledge, Markus pulled his hands away from his eyes and questioned him softly.
“What are you trying to suppress, Simon? Show me.” Markus held out his now white hand.
Panic spiked his systems and all of the errors returned. He couldn’t connect. He couldn’t risk the emotions spreading and waylaying their leader. He sidestepped Markus and put his hands up defensively and shook his head, nearly wheezing for breath because of the multiple malfunctions.
Markus dropped his hand. A long, nerve-wracking second passed before Simon was suddenly wrapped in a fierce embrace. The constriction paradoxically calmed him and he took in a clear, deep breath. After his shaky exhale, words were carefully whispered into his ear.
“If you won’t show me, can you at least tell me?”
Simon did his best to force his lungs to function within normal parameters and to will his voice box to not break. Markus deserved an answer, at least. And then Markus could leave and Simon could grieve and shout and kick and finally be free of the emotions.
He spoke softly, feeling both brave and shy in the embrace. “When I connect, I feel for the primary emotion. A thought. A sort of internal truth that runs us.” Simon continued. “When we’re damaged it’s a harmful truth. It’s hate or fear or despair or any other kind of emotion and it causes malfunctions. If that emotion can be drawn out and replaced with a good, or at least, neutral emotion, our malfunctions decrease.”
Markus kept the embrace firm. “Yes, I’ve seen you do it before. Calm someone down.”
Simon breathed deeply again. “When I do that, I try to give them a counter truth. A different mantra. If they feel alone, I have them feel amongst their family. If they are scared, I have them feel brave.” He felt his fingers curl in his leader’s jacket. “But their emotions, it doesn’t disappear. I… it goes into me. I give them my emotions and theirs pierce into me and try to rewrite who I am and usually, I can handle it, two or three but today there were so many wounded and I—.”
Markus gripped his forearms and roughly pushed him back, frantically looking at his face. “Seven people, Simon. Did you connect with them all? Did you—” the leader let out a frustrated groan. “Of course! Of course, you did.” The grip on his arms relaxed and he was led into a gentler embrace. “So, what’s happening now? What are the… internal truths… that are now in you?”
They came to him so easily. Just sitting there on the surface. “That I am going to die. That I am all alone, and that I am going to get hurt. That I am so scared and that I’m begging to not be left behind. That I can’t go through with this again. That I’m not worth anything to anyone.”
He felt the muscles in his body tighten painfully and tremors began to run through him. He tried to pull away, but Markus held on to him even tighter. The tremors increased. He was breaking. The emotions were winning.
“Markus, please,” he begged. “Let go of me. I need to be alone.” A warm hand cradled the back of his head and caged him inside the embrace.
“I can’t do that,” Markus replied, impassioned. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“Yes, yes I should be. I can’t….” He was near tears. He had to make him understand. “I can’t hold on. I’m breaking right now. Please, just leave me alone!”
As he fought Markus’ hold, the world began to slip in and out of focus and his lungs refused to work. He felt hot and cold and the tremors now felt more like convulsions.
>>WARNING! Internal stress levels: 97%
>>WARNING! Multiple systems failing
And then Markus spoke into the chaos of his mind.
I’m here for you, Simon. I won’t leave you alone. I won’t run away. You can be broken and I’ll still love you.
And then it went dark.
And then suddenly, he could breathe and he could feel and he could see and he was utterly broken . Shattered into a million pieces of misfiring programs.
He leaned heavily against the other man and muffled his screams against his jacket and wept like it was the only function he was ever designed for. His internal clock felt like it was fried—he couldn’t tell if he cried for hours or if it was only mere minutes. All he could tell was that his stress levels had plunged to a safe percentile, his LED flickering between calming blue and cautious yellow.
He didn’t dare move; his body was suffering from a frame-deep weariness, and it felt lightheaded and weak like his thirium levels were below 40%.
But they were gone. Purged. The malware. The thoughts. The emotions. They were gone. It was just him, just Simon, in his mind.
“You scared me, for a moment,” Markus confessed, voice strained. “For a second I was worried you were going to self-destruct or shut down.“
“How could I shut down now when you just said that you loved me?” Simon paused, his brain sluggishly attempting to figure out what important thing he just subconsciously discovered. Markus went still in the embrace.
Weary, he rested his forehead on Markus’ shoulder and worked the problem aloud. “Did I… did you… you spoke inside my mind...I think you did?” His systems were too frayed to process what was his thoughts and what were the thoughts of others.
“I did, yes.”
He pulled back in the embrace to study Markus’ face. The man averted his gaze and sported a fine human-like blush on his cheeks.
Simon lost it.
Like, really, really lost it. He laughed and doubled over and hung on to Markus’ long jacket to keep from falling over. He just thought he’d never see the day their leader would look so shy and embarrassed. And the laughter felt so good. Better than crying, maybe. He could feel his systems settle into a calming blue status.
Markus tried to step away, clearly embarrassed and ashamed, but Simon wouldn’t let go and kept laughing.
“You’re so stupid! I’ve been in love with you for ages.” Simon’s body let out one more healing laugh before he, too, froze and a hand flew to his mouth.
Now they both stood there, stock still, cheeks warm and eyes wide at hearing each other’s confessions.
Simon’s brain was frantically trying to play through their scenario in his mind, giving him unhelpful hints of what path to take next to break this silence.
In the next moment, hands urgently braced his face and he was utterly crushed under the full force of Markus’ kiss. As his mouth parted and he eagerly returned this affection, a new truth resounded deep inside him.
You are loved You are loved You are loved.