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On her eleventh birthday, Rey Niima received a letter.
Innocuous, really. She plucked it from her door, fumbling with the tape, and smiled at the friendly scrawl.
Happy birthday, Rey.
Maybe she had a friend? She’d been struggling to fit in at her new school, so she hoped it was a new friend.
Rey didn’t know who to thank for the note, so she turned in a wide circle on her Uncle Plutt’s doorstep and called out a thank you to no one in particular.
And no one answered.
—————
On her twelfth birthday, Rey Niima received a letter.
She sniffled as she picked it open, little fingers trembling from a scuffle on her way home from school. She hated school. She wanted to just drop out and run away from home, and all her bullies, and her miserable Uncle Plutt.
Fresh scabs pulsed on her knuckles as she read the note.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful.
It made her heart swell with foreign joy. Her tear-streaked cheeks broke into wide smile, cracking through hiccups and sobs. This was exactly what she needed to hear. Poe Dameron said she was ugly and scrawny and poor—but someone else didn’t think that. How nice.
“Hey, kiddo.”
Rey glanced up and saw her neighbor leaning over the rusty chain link fence separating their property. Ben Solo. Tall, black hair, pale skin. He had moles and big arms. College boy.
She smiled. “Hi, Mister Solo.”
He smiled back and her heart skipped a beat.
“Gonna rain tonight.” Ben peered up at the overcast sky, pregnant with a storm. “You better hurry on inside.”
She agreed. He waved as she walked inside.
—————
On her thirteenth birthday, Rey Niima received a letter.
This one was folded neatly inside a new lunchbox—Jurassic Park, her new favorite movie.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful. Save yourself for me, sweetheart.
She beamed, admiring the T. rex swelling from the cold metal box, and brushed the teeth with her fingertips. Her first birthday gift in years. Well, besides the stick of gum Poe threw at her during homeroom. Did that count as a present?
“Looks like someone likes you.”
Ben was crouched in the dirt, picking weeds on the other side of the fence with thick blue gloves. He peered at Rey from under his brimmed hat and smiled when she laughed.
“Nice hat,” she teased. Curious, she hopped off the porch and wandered over to Ben. “Are you planting a garden or something?”
“Yeah, attempting to.” He shrugged and stood, rubbing his forearm across his head.
Rey’s birthday fell in mid-September. Weird time for Ben to start a garden
This year Ben had grown a beard and started tying his hair back in a ponytail. This year, Rey realized she had a teensy crush on him. But he was twenty-seven and she was only thirteen—and he probably had tons of girlfriends in college.
She leaned on the creaky fence, arching on her tiptoes to check his work, conscious that he could see her boobs better that way. Ben set his hands on his hips and she swore he looked.
“What’re you planting?” Rey asked with a tilt of her head.
“Baby’s breath, a bush of bleeding hearts… Maybe some foxglove.”
Rey raised her eyebrows and laughed. “Wow, that’s a weird combination. Isn’t foxglove super poisonous?”
“Sure is—so don’t come over here eating it.” Ben winked. His gaze meandered down Rey’s dirty clothes to the lunchbox clutched in her hands. “So, who’s the boy?”
It didn’t click in her head for a second. She frowned, then gasped and almost dropped her new present. Ben raised his eyebrows, amused.
“Oh!” Rey blurted. “Uh—no boy.” She stroked her thumbs across the front of the box and smiled. “Someone just knows it’s my birthday, I guess.”
“Oh—happy birthday, then!”
Rey thanked Ben and waved goodbye. He watched her walk in the house.
—————
On her fourteenth birthday, Rey Niima received a letter.
She’d been expecting it, of course. She rushed through the rain to her front porch and broke into a huge grin at the sight of a brown package on the stoop. Sopping wet, Rey sat right there on a step and ripped through the paper. Her fingers trembled with excitement.
Inside was another box, this one pink, with a black ribbon. On the top, the customary note.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful. Save yourself for me, sweetheart. I’ll dress you up in nice things.
Nice… things? Rey frowned and looked over her baggy clothes, pulled from the trash behind Goodwill. Uncle Unkar never bought her new stuff, so she had to go to school with whatever she could find lying around.
It’d be great to have something nice for once… Poe would stop picking on her all the time. Now he made fun of her growing breasts and tried to pinch her nipples when they showed. She couldn’t find a bra that fit.
She popped open the box and squealed. Three new bras—black, white, and pink—and six pairs of multicolored frilly panties. Geez! Someone was super generous! She wished she could thank them, but clearly they wanted to be anonymous.
Rey rose to unlock the door and found her key missing. She swore, turning in circles and patting her jeans. Oh god. Unkar wouldn’t be home for hours. She’d be stuck out in the fricken rain—
“Hey! Everything okay?”
Squinting through the torrent, Rey saw Ben hanging out his front door, hand shielding his eyes. She shook her head.
“Locked out!” she called back.
“Oh, shit.” He gestured toward himself. “Come on over, kiddo. Can’t let you catch a cold!”
Relieved, she gathered her presents and backpack and raced around the corner of the old fence. Her torn sneakers splashed through a puddle next to Ben’s garden, now swaying with a row of foxglove. He pushed open the door to let her in first.
She’d never been in his house before. He was a quiet guy who kept to himself and his home seemed the same way. Hardwood floors, minimal decorations, comfy furniture. Rey stepped out of her sneakers and thanked Ben as he took her backpack. He shut and locked the door.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“Um… kind of,” Rey admitted sheepishly.
Ben smiled, lips twisting like he wanted to laugh. “You’ve always got something in your mouth when I see you—so I just assumed.”
“I’m a growing girl,” she sniffed.
Ben made her a grilled cheese and tomato soup. She sat at his kitchen table, tracing cracks in the dark wood with her index finger.
A black cat with a squished face sauntered from the living room, studying Rey with blue eyes. It padded over and hopped in her lap without hesitation. She laughed and stroked from head to tail, immediately drawing pleased purrs.
Ben rolled his eyes. “Sorry about her. Nadine is a spoiled brat.”
“She’s beautiful.” Rey smiled and kept on petting her. She didn’t have any pets at home.
They ate dinner and chatted for a bit about boring stuff, like the weather and school. Ben said he was done with his Bachelor’s in psychology and had thought about med school. Rey said she wanted to be an engineer. Spoons clinked in bowls.
He nodded toward her box. “Another present?”
Rey nodded back, still chewing her sandwich. Ben cocked his head and frowned. His hair was shorter this year, cut around his big ears, making him look much older and more mature. Still cute.
“Can I see?” he asked after a pause.
Rey nearly choked on her next bite. Ben patted her back, laughing and apologizing. Oh god—no, she wouldn’t show him that.
She left the house around nightfall when Unkar’s truck rumbled in the driveway. Nadine followed, purring like a motorboat, and Ben sighed.
“Now she’s obsessed.”
Rey beamed and scooped her up to nuzzle her flat snout. “Same here. Thanks for having me.”
“No problem. Let me know if you get locked out again.” Ben smiled as he took Nadine back, dark eyes inscrutable. “My door is always open.”
He followed Rey out the door and watched her walk inside. Nadine flicked her tail.
—————
On her fifteenth birthday, Rey Niima received a letter.
Poe kissed her behind the bleachers earlier and she was so excited about it that she almost missed the package on her doorstep. She tripped over the box and yelped as she fell against the door, belly still aflutter with hormones and butterflies.
Rey licked her lips and crouched in her skirt to pick it up. She could still taste Poe’s peppermint gum.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful. Save yourself for me, sweetheart. I’ll dress you up in nice things. We can play together.
Her spine prickled. Rey folded up the note and opened the small brown package. Always the same message with a little bit added on.
A black box dropped in her palm and her cheeks flushed with heat. This wasn’t an innocent present: the package had a picture of a pink vibrator on the front with a bunch of weird white lettering. She huffed nervously and stuffed it back in the shipping box.
The implication was obvious—and gross. Save yourself for me.
Uncle Unkar was out of town for the weekend and Rey felt extremely vulnerable being in her house alone. She chewed her lower lip and glanced toward Ben’s house. He said his door was always open… And he was friendly.
Rey shouldered her backpack and trotted down the steps, crossed Ben’s yard, and walked up his stone porch. She raised a fist to knock, but hesitated. He was like… twenty-nine now. Maybe he didn’t want a fifteen-year-old in his house. Plus, she basically had a boyfriend.
The door opened before she could keep overthinking.
Ben laughed when she jumped in surprise. His black hair brushed his shoulders again and he’d shaved off his beard and mustache. Rey tugged on her skirt and avoided his dark, penetrating eyes. He had a sleeveless white shirt on and gray sweatpants and she knew all about gray sweatpants.
“Sorry, kiddo.” He leaned on the doorframe, hands in his pockets. “What’s up? Locked out again?”
“It’s okay,” Rey mumbled. “Uh—actually, Unkar is out of town and I just got a creepy birthday present.” She wrung her hands, shivering in the September chill. “Could I maybe… stay here?”
Ben blinked. “Well…” He peered outside and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, sure. What’s the present?”
He stepped aside to let her walk in. Nadine meowed in greeting and hopped off the kitchen counter, trotting over to Rey. Ben shut and locked the door behind himself.
Rey hesitantly offered him the box and busied herself with petting Nadine. He frowned and popped it open, then his dark eyes widened.
“Oh—Jesus.” He winced, shaking his head. “That’s… unsettling. Is there an address or anything?”
“No,” Rey mumbled. She scooped up Nadine and tried to look anywhere but at Ben. “Last year they gave me bras and underwear, but I kind of needed them, so…” She reddened. “Uh—I mean—”
Ben set the box aside and picked up Rey’s backpack instead. He smiled a bit.
“Well, you’re safe here. I’ll show you the spare bedroom.”
They walked upstairs to the dark second floor. Ben led the way to the end of the short hall and gestured for Rey to enter first.
A small room, but she wasn’t complaining or anything. The green walls (her favorite color) matched a flowery green bedspread and contrasted white furniture: a dresser against the wall, small vanity, and nightstand.
Rey walked across beige carpet to the window. It looked right into her bedroom window.
“I hope you’re not peeping on me,” she teased.
“Not every night, no.”
She turned and laughed at the joke. Ben leaned on the doorframe with his arms folded over his broad chest, assessing her with a polite smile. He had huge arms; all muscular and ridged with veins and tendons. He was tall, too, especially with how he loomed in the door and took the whole thing up.
Rey realized she was staring and she awkwardly looked up at the ceiling. “This is a nice house.”
“Yup. Inherited it from my parents. I bartend when I’m not at fucking school.”
“Oh. Cool.” She bounced on the balls of her feet. “So… do you have a girlfriend or something? I just don’t want to make things awkward.”
Ben broke into a big grin. “No girl to worry about, Rey. Thanks, though.”
Whoops. Rey stammered out a half apology half excuse and Ben mercifully waved her off. He left for his own bedroom and came back with a big Star Wars T-shirt and gray plaid pajama pants. She quietly thanked him and changed after he left.
The clothes draped on Rey’s skinny body, but they were well-worn and comfortable. They smelled good, too—like cologne and Tide.
Ben and Nadine were on the couch when Rey came back downstairs. They both looked up and Ben shifted to the left to give her room to sit. She curled her legs up under her, wedged against the armrest to keep space between them. Gunsmoke played on the flat screen TV.
Ben put an arm over the back of the couch. “I’m lazy, so I ordered pizza. Hawaiian.”
Uh… that was her favorite kind. Rey told him and he shrugged and smiled. ‘Lucky guess.’
They ate in the living room and Rey tried not to be her usual slobby self. Ben changed the channel to some nature documentary and drank beer while she drank Pepsi. She felt like a dopey kid—and nervous. He got cuter as he got older. How was that even possible?
“I have a boyfriend!” Rey blurted.
Ben’s gaze shifted to her mid-sip of beer. Heineken. She knew he wouldn’t be a Budweiser guy. He set the bottle on the coffee table, brow drawn in confusion.
“…Okay,” he said slowly. “You… know I’m not trying to come on to you, right?”
“I’m so sorry.” Rey jerked to her feet, humiliated. “I’m so sorry. I’ll just go home.” She squirmed her toes on the hardwood floor. “He kissed me today and it’s been driving me crazy and—I’ll go.”
“Rey—” Ben took her hand and smiled. “Sit. We can talk.”
So she sat. And talked.
And talked.
And talked.
And then she woke up lying halfway on top of her neighbor, between his thighs, head on his chest. Ben had an arm slung around her hips and the other dangling off the edge of the couch.
Rey felt hard warmth on her stomach and came to an embarrassing realization. Heart pounding, she managed to extricate herself from his embrace and skittered out the door without getting her clothes from upstairs.
On her way out, she took the vibrator.
—————
On her sixteenth birthday, Rey Niima received a letter. She threw it in the garbage without reading it.
Poe had gone missing two days prior and she wasn’t in the mood for another creepy note. She went up to her room and cried, cursed out Uncle Unkar, and screamed until her voice was hoarse. He just disappeared. No one knew who took him or why—they said he got lost in the woods.
Rey stormed downstairs and picked the letter out of the trash to read it through tears and sniffles.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful. Save yourself for me, sweetheart. I’ll dress you up in nice things. We can play together. We’ll meet very soon—I promise.
Trembling, she ripped up the letter and tore open the small black box it came with.
Inside rested a diamond ring, sparkling under the afternoon sun slanting through the kitchen window. Rey gaped at it and tried to rationalize where it came from and why, but words escaped her. Reason escaped her. An engagement ring?
She snapped the box shut and immediately walked over to Ben’s. This time she let herself in without knocking like she did on nights he asked her to feed Nadine. His white Civic was in the driveway.
“Ben?” she called, voice pitching. “I—I got another present.
Most of the lights were off. Rey padded through the quiet house in search of her neighbor, clutching the box. She needed to call the cops. This was getting seriously out of hand.
“Is that a new skirt?”
Rey shrieked and nearly jumped out of her skin. Ben laughed until tears beaded in his eyes and when she turned to glower up at him, she was met with his pale, bare chest. Her breath hitched.
He plucked the ring box from her hand and wiped his eyes, still trying to contain his giggles.
“Sorry,” Ben wheezed, “you just made it so easy. I was working out in the basement.” He popped open the box and whistled, long and low. “Holy hell, kid. This is…”
Rey tried not to stare. She really did. Her eyes wandered along his firm musculature, down over abs and bones and other distracting things, right to the v-shape trailing into his black shorts. He turned the ring over in his huge hands.
Her voice returned. “I… I think I should call the police.”
“Probably a good idea. You want to hang out here tonight?”
Definitely. Yes. Not just because of his body, though. Ben would keep her safe. That was all.
She followed him upstairs to his bedroom for a change of clothes. He listened to her prattle on about Poe and school with casual nods. They entered his dark bedroom.
Rey flopped on the green sheets, shrugging. “I don’t know. I’m scared. I hope he’s okay.”
Ben picked out a matching set of blue plaid pajamas and handed them to her. She waited for him to leave, but he just rolled his eyes and faced the other way. Rey changed on his bed and tried to fold up her bra so he wouldn’t see how ratty it was. She stared at his pale back.
He turned again when she told him to and opened his nightstand drawer. Rey twiddled her thumbs as Ben offered her a small square with a smiley face on it; like a tiny tattoo.
He kept smiling. “Try this. It’ll help you relax.”
She pushed down with her index finger to pick the thing up and frowned. “Is… Is this like…”
“Don’t worry about it.” Ben popped one on his tongue and winked at her. “Just take it.”
Well, if he was doing it, Rey didn’t want to be a loser. She pressed the little square on her tongue and the night warped into a confusing blur.
Colors danced around the room, blooming on the periphery and vanishing when Rey turned her head toward them. She reached out, fingers trailing ghostly patterns through the air, and instead of flowers, her hand found Ben’s.
He knitted his longer digits through hers, looming beside the bed, smoke stretched impossibly wide. Rey arched on her knees to touch his cheek—thin and soft like parchment paper. Fragile.
Ben nuzzled into her palm and planted a gentle kiss there. “How do you feel, sweetheart?”
The brush of his lips sent shivers up Rey’s arm. She gaped up at Ben as he slipped the ring on her finger. He joined hands with her and gave a soft squeeze, watching her with fondness she’d never known before. Her brain sluggishly tried to make sense of it—tried to remember.
“Weird,” she mumbled.
Ben nosed along her scalp, breathing in deep. “Yeah? Little goofy?”
“Mmhm.” Her ears rang and she blinked hard and slow. “This is cool.”
“I know it is. Anything to help my girl relax.”
He whispered to her and she obeyed without hesitation. Ben guided Rey under the covers and rolled her on her back. He straddled her hips, murmuring whenever she whimpered, and slowly pushed her shirt up her belly.
Rey moaned when his soft lips drifted a wet trail across her stomach, even dipping down lower. Her pants came down to her knees and Ben kissed her there, just once over her white panties.
“Shh,” he cooed, rubbing her hip bones in circles with his thumbs. “All in good time. All in good time.”
It turned into sensation—wet and warm; the flat of his tongue tender on her sensitive flesh. She moved her hips instinctively like she did with the vibrator and her thighs shuddered around Ben’s head as the pleasure came to a peak.
She laid there, boneless, and Ben leaned to his nightstand. Crackling sounds interrupted her buzz and she protested him tugging off her pants. Her arms floated after he helped her out of her shirt.
Ben breathed in her ear. “Can you tell me how this feels?”
Pressure—then the strange sensation of being split open. Rey took a sharp breath and squirmed under Ben’s weight even while he shushed and comforted her. She imagined he had stuffed a hot knife right up inside her.
Rey clung to his shoulder blades, wincing. “Ah—Ben—!”
“I know, sweetheart—I know.” He huffed and groaned into her hair. “Oh god this feels good. You’re doing so good, sweetheart—making me feel like this.”
Then Ben sank all the way inside her. Rey cried, both overwhelmed and in pain, and he kissed her tear-streaked cheeks. He rolled his hips slow and gentle and the bed creaked. She was full up with him, pinned on her back under his weight.
But her crying stopped and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. Ben grunted, thrusting faster until the only sound in the room was sticky sweaty skin slapping together. Nadine jumped up to watch and Ben shooed her away.
Rey floated around the dark bedroom. Headlights passed through the window, illuminating the knobs on Ben’s dresser. She passed through his closet and back down to her porch in fourth grade, where everything was easy and nothing hurt like this. Her pulse thrummed in her ears.
“I love you so much,” Ben puffed on her collarbone. He kissed her hungrily, shuddering. “I don’t want to come. Wanna stay inside you forever.” His breathing quickened. “Soft, warm little thing—can’t wait to do this without a condom—fill you up—listen to your sweet little voice crying my name—”
His voice caught and he growled. Rey winced at the penultimate thrusts as Ben spilled into the condom, throbbing and pulsing inside her. He swore as his hips stilled, shivering. Goosebumps popped along his biceps. Rey ran her fingertips along them, marveling at the texture.
Ben heaved a pleased sigh and nuzzled into Rey’s neck.
“One more year.”
She slipped out of his bed in the morning and never said a word. Neither did he.
—————
On her seventeenth birthday, Rey Niima did not receive a letter.
She picked around the porch in search of it, already late for her shift at Walgreen’s. Unkar certainly wouldn’t pay for her car insurance and she needed money for when she went away to school the following fall. It gave her spending money and a new wardrobe, too.
No letter, though.
“Rey!”
Ben called to her from his porch. He motioned inside.
“I picked up the package,” he explained. “Wanted to make sure it was safe. Come see.”
Dead leaves skittered past Rey’s black flats. She shivered from the cold and a bit of anxiety. They hadn’t discussed that night. She still wasn’t sure what exactly happened.
But she was curious about the letter.
Rey jogged around the fence and noted Ben’s long-defunct garden had begun sprouting weeds again. She considered helping him fix it up.
He beamed as she trotted up the stairs and followed her inside his home for the final time.
A small black box lay on the kitchen table. Rey dropped her backpack on the floor like she used to and hardly noticed the slow twist of the deadbolt behind her. Another black box, just like last year. She wore the ring on a chain around her neck, because she didn’t own anything nice.
She picked up the folded note.
Happy birthday, Rey. You’re beautiful. Save yourself for me, sweetheart. I’ll dress you up in nice things. We can play together. We’ll meet very soon—I promise.
Now turn around.
Rey frowned. “Ben, I think this person was going to sneak up on me. Good thing you picked it up.”
He didn’t reply. She blinked and turned, and found him staring and smiling at her. Confusion came first—did he not hear her? Was something wrong?
Ben’s smile widened.
“I’ve always been right out in the open, Rey.”
The hazy afternoon sunset cast a shadow across his pale face. Rey’s stomach dropped.
He took note of her frozen silence and picked up the little black box. Inside was a golden wedding band, petite from Rey’s slender fingers. She trembled so violently that her teeth chattered as Ben lifted her left hand and slid the ring on.
“I’m making your favorite for dinner,” he murmured. “Lasagna. Just don’t make yourself a mess like you do at home.”
Rey couldn’t speak. She let Ben push her gently into an chair and sat there in petrified silence while he gathered pots and pans for dinner. Nadine sauntered our from the living room and brushed up on Rey’s leg.
Her heart pounded so hard she thought she might faint. What—what did he want? What was he doing? Did Ben really send her all those weird gifts? Why would he do that?
She didn’t say a word. She watched her neighbor cook and whistle to himself, struggling to think of what she needed to do next. She could try to run, but she had to get through a myriad of locks, and Ben would catch her. But acknowledging the weird situation was even more terrifying than that.
He set a square of lasagna before Rey and moved to stand behind her with his huge hands heavy on her shoulders. Ben rolled his fingers.
“It’s your grandmother’s recipe,” he said. His breath tickled Rey’s ear. “I found it under your bed near your diary.”
Quivering, Rey picked up her plastic fork and took a small bite of lasagna. Ben kept massaging her shoulders and hummed to himself while he watched her eat. Tears welled up in her eyes.
He kissed the top of her head. “I liked watching you play with yourself at night—you not knowing I was there. I’ll miss that.”
“I have to go to work,” Rey croaked.
“We’re going to be so happy together. I’ll dress you up and we can make love with ecstasy again.” Ben brushed her hair away from her neck. “Speaking of which: I put a little something in your dinner to help you relax tonight. Takes the edge off. No condoms, thank fuck.”
Rey swallowed hard. “My boss is expecting me.”
“I mean,” Ben continued, utterly ignoring her, “we’ll have a baby eventually, but not right now. I’m between jobs and—”
The levee broke.
Rey flew into a hysterical panic and screamed as she scrambled for the door. Ben snagged her around the waist and swung her through the air, unaffected by her flailing legs and scratching nails. Nadine hissed and fled the room.
“LET ME GO!” Rey screeched. She sobbed and thrashed, beating Ben’s forearms with her kitten fists. “Please—LET ME GO!”
He staggered. “I know, honey—I know. Shh… shh…”
Time slowed down. The drug in the lasagna rusted over the cogs in Rey’s mind and reduced her bloodcurdling screams to useless sniffles and whimpers. She went slack in Ben’s arms.
He sighed, readjusting her so her head lolled on his shoulder. She gazed at the front door as Ben walked around the corner for the stairs.
“We’ll go make love,” he whispered, “and take a little nap. Then I’ll bring you down to the basement so I can show you what I did with Poe Dameron. You appreciate art.”
Rey sobbed softly. The long hallway felt like it was a mile long, and the darkness swelled around her, swallowing up the last lazy rays of sunlight. She could hardly see a thing—but then again, she’d been blind all along.
A click. The bedroom door. The last gate. He smelled like loamy earth and rain.
“I love you so much, Rey.”