Chapter Text
Chapter 1 . Always on my mind.
Breakups are a messy, hurtful, complicated experience. No matter the reason for the breakup it is almost an impossibility to remain cordial by the end. If you are hurting the only thing that seems possible is time and distance.
That is exactly what I sought after him, wide expanse of space and distance, I didn’t have to look at his face and feel my heart break all over again. I didn’t want to see or speak to him, it was the only way I could stop myself falling apart. If I didn’t see him it helped.
Two years after I promised myself that very thing, I met his gaze across a crowded tube, his red hair caught my eye first and I absently thought will I ever be able to look at red hair again and not get an ache in my heart, or a flashback in my mind of it tickling my naked breasts, heat pooling in my belly as it trailed down and settled between my thighs. I looked away quickly, berating myself for allowing it to take up mind space and distracted myself with my Spotify list. Scrolling through my playlist choosing an upbeat song to stop the melancholy taking hold…or even better a fight song.
It wasn’t until I felt someone’s eyes on me, that I realised it wasn’t just red hair, the red hair was attached to Jamie and he had just met my gaze.
I quickly looked away, my heart was beating too fast, palms sweating, my body tingling with anxiety. I had to get away, get off the tube. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was moving, squeezing, pressing and using his broad shoulders to create a path through the crowds, a path that led to me.
I instinctively jumped out at the next stop, before he had time to reach me. I was miles away from where I needed to be but at least away from him, and away from the panic building up in my chest.
I was running along the platform, my face burning and my heart painfully beating in my chest, trying to work out which bus I needed to get on, to put me back on track. A deep Scottish accent was calling my name.
"Claire!"
Thankfully my feet kept moving, Faster now more urgent in their journey . Jamie's voice persisted behind me, “Claire…wait…Claire” and then despite my best efforts there it was his touch on my shoulder, making their hairs stand up on the back of my neck and ultimately halting me.
Oh god!
I turned full circle to face him, my hair sweeping around my face, from the cold London air blowing in from the platform exit.
“Cl-aire” he said breathlessly, halting in his tracks.
“Jamie” a small smile hitting my face for a minute before I caught it and pressed my lips together instead.
“I saw ye on the tube and I…. was calling ye”
The "oh" that came out of my mouth was so hesitant it was clear from the way his eyebrows arched he knew I had heard him - I followed through with a feeble "…I didn’t hear” Liar Lair pants on fire, literally.
his eyes swallowed up my face starting from my hair to my chin and falling short before it scanned my body in its winter coat. “Its good to see ye…you look ….god you look good” he repeated softly.
“You too” It was more a curt automatic response, but he did even if it sounded per functionary. I bobbed my head towards him “how are you?”
“Good…good…I - " the pause was brief before he said a little slower, a little deliberate "I moved to London a few weeks ago….”
“Oh”
“…well that will be a change” I stared at my feet for a second, to compose myself.
Why here? you bastard! We had a deal!
I couldn’t stand with him anymore, just looking at him hurt, remembering how I had every line on his face memorised, the particular shade of his eyes or the way his mouth opened agape slightly when he was aroused. The intimate way I knew him was etched in my heart, and my heart hurt. My mouth was going dry and I knew there was a tremble in my voice.
“listen I am sorry, I have to go…I'm late….work” I trailed off.
Jamie swallowed watching me, his eyes held so much sadness but I couldn't fall into this, couldn't allow myself to feel any pity for him, he had done this - he was the reason my heart ached a little every morning I opened my eyes and remembered.
“Would ye meet me for a coffee…I mean now that we are in the same city…?”
His eyes had changed now, hope lightening up the blue of his iris's, pleading almost.
I steeled myself to respond. There was no way I could meet him not now, not ever.
“Oh well no" I said before my brain engaged enough to sound polite, I could do this feign a deep polite almost nostalgic response to an old friend who I had lost touched with, not treat him like my soulmate who had trampled all over my heart "…I really can’t Jamie…I…you know …with work and everything…” When the words did come they sounded empty, the lie echoed back between us before I had to say why I really couldn't meet him in a coffee shop and not weep and hate him at the same time.
“I just can’t, I am sorry.” I finished honestly.
He nodded briefly, shielding his eyes “Aye, I see.”
Did he?
A sudden cold breeze blew in from the exit, spilling my hair about my face.
I realised to my horror that his hand was rising slowly to push a stray curl away. My hand shot up suddenly beating him to it. His hand hovered near my face, before he reluctantly dropped it.
“mind yourself” I said softly.
“Claire….”
I edged backwards, “I have to go, Bye then Jamie”
I lifted my hand meekly a wave or a sign to tell him not to follow me, I wasn't sure. I rushed towards the exit. Waiting until I was out of sight before I fell up against a street light. A lump so big in my throat, I was sure I would suffocate.
I had being doing so well. Why did I have to meet him. My phone was buzzing in my pocket.
Cathal : you left your laptop here babe, want me to drop it by the hospital?
God no! I couldn’t face seeing him right now.
Claire: No thanks! I won’t need it…see you tomorrow night? X
Cathal: can’t wait.
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Jamie.
He watched her run away, run from him.
There wasn’t a day since she left, that he hadn’t conjured her face to his mind. But he hadn’t done near enough, one glance at her reprimanded his imagination for doing a poor job. He had forgotten the true extent of her, how one look at her would make his heart beat like a loon and his body hum.
He followed her, watched her lean up against a wall, her head fell back. She retrieved her phone and started texting. God he wanted to know who was she talking to, her brows crinkled, he knew instinctively, she was trying to think what to say. A lie never came easy to her, her face told the truth no matter what. Her face told him the truth always.
He had seen it in her face just now, an urgency to escape and something inside him broke, when he realised she couldn’t bear to even look at him.
Was he mad to come?