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Louis pulls himself out of the pond and into the reeds, his tail making quiet plish plash noises in the shallows even as he tries to be quiet. Smaller fish nibble at his long green fins and he lets them, digging his fingers into the mud and watching the boy with the messy curls wade out in his bare feet. He’s tall, in a white tee shirt and pants cuffed up to his knees, the muddy water sloshing around his ankles. He moves like he doesn’t trust the water.
It’s cloudy and Louis wishes the sun would come out and warm his shoulders, tempt the lilies to open their pink buds. He strokes the side of a flower with careful fingers, pond water dripping onto the leaf.
The boy leans down to look through the surface, holding completely still as the muck settles around him. Louis is usually more careful than this, but everything gets so boring in the winter and he misses watching the humans move around the beach with their hopping gait and shiny hair. Once Louis tried drying his hair like theirs, but he’d only ended up with a bird’s nest of pond filth on top of his head.
A fresh water snake curls up next to him, prodding its head against his hip, at the place his scales meet his torso. Louis reaches down for it, letting it curl around his wrist and pulling it out of the water. “Humans are so weird,” Louis tells him, smiling when the tiny snake curls up his arm. “I’m glad you agree.”
Louis wonders if talking to the wildlife means he’s been alone a little too long. It wasn’t always this way, there were mermaids just like him in this lake once, but they always leave somehow. He doesn’t really know how he went from one of the few to the last, but he’s okay with it.
Most of the time, the humans make it better. He likes watching even though he almost doesn’t remember what it’s like to be one of them. He was young when it happened and the memories from before fade so fast, at this point he barely knows how it feels to have legs and walk up onto sandy beaches.
An exclamation of surprise shudders into the silence and Louis looks up, finding the curly haired boy staring into the palms of his hands, a quiet smile on his face.
Louis slides into the water and swims closer, trying to catch a glimpse of what he’s caught. Minnows, maybe, or another tiny water snake. Louis has the sudden urge to help him, to show him the black snake he’s wearing as a bracelet and push the all the little fish into his hands.
Curly haired boy is standing very still and Louis wonders how close he could get without being noticed. He wants the boy to wade deeper, deep enough that Louis can go under and wrap his fingers around his ankles for just a moment. Pull him under. Just touch skin, for a second.
He drifts through the calm water, only his eyes and forehead visible as he washes water through his gills. The curly haired boy looks up suddenly, and Louis finds himself discovered by this strange, pale human with the lovely hair. He doesn’t move for a moment. Then, he turns as fast as he can and swims away, the cry of surprise ringing in his ears just before he submerges for good.
xx
Curly haired boy comes again the next morning, up even before the sun. It’s cold, but he’s wearing shorts so he can wade deep, a bright yellow windbreaker over his arms and a beanie on his pretty hair. He wakes Louis up by thrashing around in the shallows with a camera in his hands and a frown on his lips.
Louis hasn’t decided if he wants to be found.
xx
He comes the next afternoon with a blonde haired boy and a half empty bag of gummy worms clutched in his hand. “You weren’t supposed to eat them,” he says irritably as the blonde sneaks another one, his voice just as lovely as the rest of him. It reminds Louis of the sand at the bottom of the lake, all smooth and soft and gritty when he digs his hands into it.
“Well you’re the one who didn’t let me stop for snacks,” the blonde replies in his light Irish lilt, adjusting the snapback perched on his head.
Louis swims a bit closer. Say his name. Say his name.
“This is important. I know I saw something. Like, a tail and a-”
“You’ve told me about thirty times, mate.” The blonde says, sneaking another gummy worm with a grin. “Pretty blue eyes, pretty green tail. Scales that flashed in the sunlight like the heavens were signaling to you their divine blessing.”
“Shut up, I didn’t say that.” Curly says, his pout deepening. “It’s stupid, I know. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Him.”
Louis feels seaweed slipping through his veins, lake water pooling warm in his lungs and making his fingers shake. He wants so much to be known, but he doesn’t really know what to do with the feeling.
“I know. I believe you, it’s just a lot.” He shakes his head, throwing a gummy worm into the pond with an indulgent smile. “Mermaids, christ.”
“Mermen, Niall. He’d be called a merman.” Curly corrects very seriously, like he’s an expert on this sort of thing.
“Harry, I swear to god.” The blonde says with a tremendous eye roll. Louis perks up, blowing his name out in bubbles and forming the sounds with his lips. He almost calls it out, yells it into the air and lets it settle on the surface of the pond but he isn’t ready to be seen yet. It’s been so long since he talked to anyone, he can’t scare Harry off, has to make sure he stays.
They wade around in the water until the gummy worms have disappeared and Niall is complaining of the cold, leaving them both to trudge back out onto the beach, sand sticking between their toes. Harry looks crestfallen, a heaviness to his movements as he towels his legs off.
Louis can barely hear them and swims too close so he can catch strains of their quiet conversation. He’s getting reckless but he doesn’t care, not when Harry looks like he’s underwater and sinking, when he has beautiful lips and a lock tattoo on his wrist.
“I’m starting to think I dreamt it all.” Harry says as he ties his ratty converse. “Probably did.”
“You don’t know that.” Niall says, ruffling his hair.
“You don’t have to pretend to believe me.” Harry says, standing up with a sigh that takes his whole body.
“Not pretending. You should have seen your eyes when you told me, I believe that.” Niall says, trailing him up the beach, the empty bag clutched in his fist. Louis watches them go with a pang of sadness that surprises him. He looks down at one of the gummy worms in the water, bright blue and red, and picks it up with wet fingers.
He hopes the curly haired boy comes back again, that the curly haired boy comes back forever, because he still wants to touch him and ruin his hair with pond water hands.
He slides the gummy worm onto his tongue and smiles at the sweetness.
xx
Harry doesn’t come back for a week and Louis pretends not to miss him. It’s early morning when he finally returns, his silhouette lit dusty pink with the sunrise. Louis has barely left the cove since Harry last came, only venturing into the lake to eat, afraid to miss him if he strayed too far. Harry’s alone this time, a flannel over a pair of shorts and socks that go too high on his ankles. Louis wants to tug him into the water, clothing and all, just to watch him flounder in the shallows.
Harry tugs off his shoes, tucking his socks neatly into the footholes and wading out into the water. “I’m back.” He says into the morning light, only the birds trilling their reply.
Louis lurks in the reeds, twisting them in his hands so he won’t reach out to try and touch.
“This is dumb, I don’t even know if you’re here. I think you are.” He pauses for a long moment, does another full body sigh and sticks his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t bring gummy worms. Aquamarine lied.” He laughs a little, but it’s humorless. Louis needs to see him closer, needs to figure out exactly what color his eyes are.
“I have to be at work in an hour. Didn’t sleep well last night. This is so crazy.” He stops, just stares out into the sunset and kicks his feet deeper into the wet sand. Louis drifts closer.
“You don’t have to come close to me, just give me a sign. Or something.” He turns slowly, making tiny waves in the still water, and he looks so sad, shoulders slumped forward, a tiny downward quirk to his lips.
Louis creeps up on him, barely making a sound as he pushes out into the open water. He thinks maybe this is a bad idea, knows he shouldn’t just trust people like this, but there’s a melancholy in Harry’s voice he wants to suck out.
He flips his tail in the water and Harry jumps at the noise, nearly toppling over. He swears, whirling to try and see Louis just as he dives deep in the water and swims silently to the other side. He’s playing games, but he wants this pretty boy to think he’s something special, something magic, wants him to be interested enough to stay a while.
“Was that you?” Harry asks, slowly turning around in the water. “Are you trying to talk to me?” He pauses. “Do you even speak english?”
“Yes.” Louis says, swimming around as Harry makes another splashing turn.
“Stop it, this isn’t funny.” Harry says, and he almost sounds scared, like Louis could even think about hurting him.
Louis continues his slow, looping circles. “It’s very funny.”
It takes a moment for Harry to find him, his eyes - bright green like the algae or lily pads in the spring - falling first on his face and then on the water where his tail is drifting. “You.”
Louis flips his fin up past the surface, laughing as Harry turns to keep up with his circles. “Me.”
“I’m not dreaming, am I?” He asks, furrowing his brow.
“Probably not.” Louis tells him, diving under to flush his gills out and resurfacing with a grin.
Harry doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just watches him float in the mucky water, ripples hitting against Harry’s calves.
“Never seen a merman before, have you?” Louis asks him, swimming up close and laughing when Harry stumbles back.
“No. I don’t really believe in them, actually.” He says, looking confused and awkward and a little bit lovely.
Louis splashes him with his tail. “And yet here you are.”
“Yeah.” Harry says, sticking his hands in his pockets with a sigh.
“I liked your gummy worms.” Louis tells him, because he doesn’t get sweets in the winter, no runaway kids or picnic-ers to leave them out. “Better than fish.”
“You eat fish?” Harry asks, and Louis flips his tail up out of the water once he realizes that Harry is staring.
“I eat a lot of things, I’m not particular.” Louis says, doing a roll. He’s putting on a show, enjoying the way Harry’s eyes follow the movements like he can’t possibly take in all of him.
Harry nods, like that’s a satisfactory enough answer. “Do you want me to like, bring you more? Is that why you’re here? Like is that why you let me see you?”
Louis stops his spinning, the water stilling around him, an incredulous laugh bubbling up his throat. “You think I’m using you for your gummy worms?”
Harry shrugs, running a hand through his mess of curls. “How am I supposed to know? You’ve got a tail, I don’t know what the protocol for this is!”
“No one’s ever come back to look for me. Twice.” Louis says, and that’s part of it. He’s never let anyone see him before, never been this reckless. He just liked how Harry looked from his place in the reeds, how he smiled soft and slow, how he held pond water in his hands like that was enough to make him happy. “I can catch minnows for you. And little snakes. If you want.”
Harry smiles, and it’s bemused. “Okay.”
Louis smiles as radiantly as he can, diving back underwater and swimming deep until he finds a school of small black fish, sweeping his hands through them and capturing a few babies between his fingers. He surfaces with barely a splash, swimming back towards Harry.
“Come deeper. I can’t stay upright without my hands.” Louis says, flipping his tail to stay vertical as he holds the fish out.
Harry’s eyes widen, and he steps back. “You’re going to drown me! You’re like, a siren, I know how this works.”
Louis’ face falls, and he holds his minnows out a little further. “I’m not going to drown you. I wouldn’t.”
“How do I know that?” Harry asks, and he’s crossed his arms over his chest, defensive. Louis hates it, wants to pull him back to when he was full of wonder.
“Trust me.” Louis says. “I won’t hurt you.”
Harry takes a step out into the water, shivering a little as the wind picks up. “Would you trust you, if you were me?”
Louis doesn’t know. It’s been too long, he can’t remember a world where this isn’t his life, where his neck isn’t marred with gills and his skin doesn’t shine pale and blue. “I don’t know. I’m not you.”
“I’m only coming deeper for a second.” Harry says finally, and Louis tries to keep his face from lighting up too much. Louis swims as close to the shallows as he can, his tail scraping against the sandy bottom.
Harry walks deeper, the water splashing up past his knees and up his thighs until they’re only a few feet apart. He peers forward, watching the tiny fish swim in Louis’ hands. “They’re hard to hold, they move so fast and they’re so little.”
Louis pours them back into the water, watching them dart away. “It takes practice.”
Harry nods, trailing his hands through the chill water. “How old are you?”
Louis shrugs. “Don’t know.”
“I’m 20.”
“Okay.” Louis says. He was twelve when he turned, and it’s been years since then, more winters than he’s remembered to count. “Do you like being human?”
“I don’t think anyone’s asked me that before.” Harry says, and he’s still standing with the water up to his thighs even though he said he’d only go deeper for a moment. “I guess I do. It’s a lot sometimes. Do you like being a merman?”
“It’s nice, most of the time.” Louis says, ducking back down so only the top of his head is visible and blowing bubbles into the dirty water. “I like being alive.”
“I like being alive too.” Harry says, and Louis wants to reach out and touch his hands, hold them in his cold ones and feel warm again, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to resist him once he started. “I have to go to work in a bit.”
“Will you come back?” Louis asks, in his quiet voice, the one that’s barely louder than the ripple of the water and the brush of the reeds.
“You want me to?”
“Maybe.” Louis says coyly, because screaming YES seems like too much.
“Does maybe mean yes?” Harry asks, a twinge of a smirk on his lips.
“Maybe.” Louis repeats, but he’s smiling.
Harry nods like he understands, that quiet smile falling back onto his lips. “Alright. I’ll come back as soon as I can.”
Louis smiles his shark tooth smile and does a quick backflip in the water, laughing when he resurfaces and finds Harry wiping drips of water off his arms. Louis sticks his tongue out and doesn’t apologize.
“See you soon then.” Harry says, wading back to the beach as Louis drifts behind him, propping his elbows up in the sand and letting his tail float in the water.
Harry’s pulling his socks on still damp feet when he seems to remember something, his eyes coming back up to meet Louis’. “Do you have a name?”
Louis nods, tracing shapes into the wet sand. “It’s Louis.”
“Mine’s Harry.”
Louis smiles. “I know.”
xx
Harry comes back a few days later with a bag of gummy worms and his camera. Louis isn’t waiting for him, or at least that’s what he wants Harry to believe as he stays hidden in the reeds while Harry paces the bank and calls his name.
He drifts out slowly into the cove, floating on his back so his face is lifted up to the cloudy June sky, sliding down into the water and then up again, grinning at Harry when he catches his eyes.
“Took your time getting here.” Harry says from where he sits on the edge of the shore, opening the gummy worms and taking one for himself.
“You’re the one who left for three days.” Louis says, flipping up onto his back again so he can float for a while.
“Not all of us can swim around in ponds all day.” Harry says, and Louis frowns.
“Well it’s not like I have a choice.” Louis says frostily, sinking under the water and blowing insolent bubbles up at the surface so Harry knows he’s upset. When he resurfaces, Harry is still watching him.
“Not like I have a choice either. Can’t live without money.” Harry says, tossing a gummy worm out towards him. “I’m here now, yeah?”
Louis reaches out for the candy, dropping it into his mouth. “True.”
“I brought my camera.” Harry says, fingering the strap that hangs around his neck. It’s a nice one, a bulky black thing that knocks heavy against his chest, and Harry presses his finger absentmindedly against the shutter button.
“You want to take pictures of me?” Louis asks, smiling over him from his place in the water. “Gonna sell them to all the fancy science magazines?”
“I’ll probably just hang them in my room. Maybe show Niall. No one will believe they’re real anyway.” He says, shrugging his shoulders. “I just want proof that you’re real, I guess. For me, in case I never see you again or something.”
“Why wouldn’t I be real? I’m here. You’re literally looking at me, you’re so weird.” Louis says, swimming up closer to him. “You should come in. Swim with me.”
Harry shakes his head, popping the lens cap off and revealing a big fish eye lens. “Still not convinced you won’t drown me.”
Louis rolls his eyes, then does another backflip. “Why would I drown you? Then you couldn’t visit me, and I couldn’t use you for your gummy worms.”
Harry shrugs, taking a quick shot of the sky, like the low hanging gray clouds interest him. “I don’t make a habit of trusting mythical creatures. Especially pretty ones.”
Louis lights up, swimming closer, his hands brushing the sandy floor. “You think I’m pretty?”
“You have a four foot long tail, what’s not pretty about that?” Harry asks, looking at him through the view finder, the shutter clicking as he takes a picture.
“Water makes a terrible mirror, I wouldn’t know. I shimmer too much.” Louis says, lips turning down. He knows what he looks like, at least a little, can picture the blue gray of his eyes and the color of his hair but he can’t get a handle on the exact tilt of his nose or the shade of his eyelashes. It makes him feel a little less corporeal, like he’s less of a person and more a part of the water, just one moment from dissolving into the green.
“I can show you what you look like.” Harry says. “If you want.”
Louis nods, trepidation twisting in his stomach. “I think I’d like that.”
“Smile.” Harry aims the camera at him, taking another picture as Louis bares his fangs. “Ok, come see.”
Louis ducks down under the water and swims towards the shore, berating himself for being so nervous. He almost doesn’t want to know, but Harry makes him want to be a person again, to be solid and real instead of the rippling insides of the lake he grew up in.
He beaches himself up next to Harry, his tail in the water as his elbows rest in the sand. He’s careful not to touch him even though he wants to, his hair dripping into his eyes as he focuses on the screen. He recognizes the person there, but just barely, like a black and white picture of a long dead relative or brother he never met.
“That’s really me?” He asks, nearly reaching out to touch the hollows of his cheeks, the place where his thin purple lips start and stop, the narrow slope of his nose. “I don’t look real.”
Harry doesn’t answer, just stares at Louis’ hands and shoulders and breathes slowly in and out.
“I can see why I can scare you.” Louis says, pushing himself back into the water before he suffocates. “I’m scary.”
“You aren’t scary.” Harry says, fumbling with his camera. “I’m just easily frightened.”
Louis shakes his head, propping his chin on his hands at the place where the water meets the beach. “It’s okay.”
“Give me your hand.” Harry says slowly, letting the camera fall against his chest.
“Why?”
Harry holds his out, warm fingers and wide palms that Louis wants to touch more than anything. There’s a tiny white scar on his middle finger and a tiny fleck of pink nail polish on his left pinkie and Louis wants to press tiny fish kisses against his knuckles until neither of them tremble anymore. “Come on.”
Louis pulls a hand out from under his chin and reaches up, letting his fingers brush against Harry’s. Harry folds Louis’ hand between his, warm, dry skin against Louis’ pond slick hands. Louis almost forgot how all of this felt, how human and warm hands are supposed to be, the way he can feel Harry’s heartbeat through the plum skin of his flesh. Breakable.
“You’re so cold.” Harry says, a barely there smile pressing against his lips.
“I’m water temperature.” Louis says. (Except for his hand. Which is just as warm as Harry’s. If he pressed himself against Harry from head to tail maybe he’d be just as much a part of him as he is a part of the lake.)
“I’m human temperature.” Harry says, and then laughs. “You’re not scary, you’re really not.”
“You are.” Louis says. “Big scary human monster. Stealing mermaids and cutting off their tails.”
Harry laughs. “I wouldn’t do that.”
Louis smiles. “Yeah, I know. You’re nice to the minnows.”
“Why wouldn’t I be nice to the minnows?” Harry asks, brows furrowing like it’s a legitimate question.
Louis just smiles and lets his hand be held, Harry sat on the sand as he drifts in the water.
xx
The next time, Harry brings a kayak and the sun shines. He’s really terrible at kayaking, splashing around in his red boat with his orange life jacket every time he tries to steer, but Louis helps him the best he can and tries not to laugh too hard.
“I’m not as good at this I thought I’d be.” Harry says, letting Louis lead him into the bigger part of the lake. There’s a group of kids playing on the far beach, but they’re too far away to notice anything other than Harry’s outline.
Louis swims around the front of the boat. “You’re not horrible at it.” He says, using his tail to push them in the right direction. “Maybe just a little horrible.”
Harry rolls his eyes, picking up his paddle and letting it clunk onto the bottom of the boat. He looks a little ridiculous, lifejacket snapped across his chest, a bright colored headscarf wrapped around his curls, but it’s almost endearing. “Can we just float for a while?”
Louis spins away from him, lying on his back. “Sure. Floating is one of my favorite activities. So is swimming, sleeping, and doing backflips.”
“Better than coursework and responsibilities.” Harry says, resting his elbow on the edge of the boat and staring down at Louis. “I wish I could just float sometimes.”
Louis doesn’t contradict him, even though Harry is the most exciting thing to happen to him in ages. He thinks if he’d been alone much longer he’d become part of the lake. It’s happened to others before. “We’re floating now.” Louis says finally, letting his body rock with the water.
“That’s true.” Harry says, leaning a hand out so it makes ripples. “Can I ask you dumb questions?”
“I guess.” Louis says, staring up at the tiny wisps of clouds.
“Have you lived here your whole life?”
Louis deliberates on it, sinks so the water covers his gills and surfaces again. “Kinda.”
“That’s a crap answer.” Harry says, then shakes his head, pushing his messy hair back out of his face. “Sorry, I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“It’s fine. Mermaids don’t talk about it, usually.” He says, the pain too dull to really feel but still there. “I wasn’t born a merman.”
“Oh.” Harry says, and Louis thinks if he has to tell anyone, Harry is an okay person to tell. He thinks Harry might have some of the lake in him too. “You turned?”
“I died.” Louis says, and it’s strange to hear the words come out his mouth because there’s still blood in his veins and his heart still beats, slowly, in time with the temperature. “Drowned. I was twelve, I wandered off. They looked for me for weeks but my ankle was caught in the seaweed and I stayed underwater.” The memories wash back over him like low tide coming to high, making his chest tight and his head hurt. “What twelve year old doesn’t know how to fucking swim.”
“I don’t understand.” Harry says slowly, watching him like he always does, like Louis is something he’s never going to figure out. Louis hates that look, doesn’t want to be magical and untouchable anymore.
“If you die in the water, and they never take your body out, sometimes you end up a mermaid.” Louis blows a few discontented bubbles. “Yay.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Harry begins quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“How is it okay?” He pauses. “Can I hold your hand or something?”
Louis sighs, floats a little closer and presses his hand up just past the surface of the water, so Harry has to reach down to grab it. Louis tries not to shiver when their palms touch, tries not to be so aware of the way Harry is always so warm, wishes he didn’t care so much. “It was a long time ago.”
“Can you ever be human again?” Harry asks, and Louis looks at him this time, watching the way his eyes are fixed on the edge of the kayak and won’t meet his.
“Why, do you want me to be?” Louis asks, and his smile is the chill of the water.
Harry’s cheeks go pink. “I just don’t want you to be lonely. I’d get lonely.”
“There used to be more of us.” Louis says. He doesn’t want to talk about it, how mermaids leave the world in whispers, because they’re so close to the other side, leaving their humanity behind and becoming part of the water. Their faces are his secrets to keep. “They leave, in one way or another.”
“Well I’m here now.” Harry says. “I’ll visit you, like proper friends or whatever.”
Louis shakes his head, wishes Harry wasn’t so sincere. They can’t be proper friends, because Harry is real and feels cold when the temperature drops and can run as far as he wants. He thinks they both know that, and he doesn’t want empty promises. Louis mostly just hopes he never has to leave. “Have you ever been to the ocean?”
Harry doesn’t answer for a moment and doesn’t drop his hand, but lets Louis change the subject. “Yeah. A couple times.”
“Where did you go?” Louis asks, because when he first died he always wished it had been in the ocean so he could swim out forever, visit white sand beaches and go so deep he never had to be found. He still kinda wants it.
“Well last year I studied abroad in Spain. We went to this beautiful beach with really fine, soft sand and my friends and I made sand castles. They were really cool actually, some kids came and helped us and we made this whole village.” He smiles the way butter smells bubbling in the skillet, and Louis flips some water up at him with his pointer finger just to see the way he squeezes his eyes shut in surprise. “Hey, I’m telling a story here.”
“And I’m listening.” Louis says, with a smile of his own.
“It was just really fun. We went clubbing too, and to the big museums, typical UNI stuff, but that was my favorite afternoon of the trip. There’s not enough time to just be, you know?” He freezes, guilty eyes meeting Louis’ and falling down to the water. “I keep forgetting you’ve spent your whole life in this pond.”
Louis shrugs, squeezes Harry’s fingers so he knows it’s okay. “No worries. I like hearing about your life. And I do like it here. Just being.” The problem isn’t the being, the problem is the slipping out, the times when he forgets what he’s supposed to be at all.
Harry smiles down at him and Louis feels as solid as he has in weeks. “I brought you something.”
“Did you really?” Louis asks, his side bumping up against the kayak.
“I did.” Harry reaches behind him, not dropping Louis’ hand as he pulls out a pack of gummy sharks and peach-Os. “Thought we needed some variety.”
Louis rolls his eyes. “Gummy sharks?”
“It’s clever!” Harry protests, stealing one from the bag and eating it. “Don’t pretend it isn’t.”
He holds the bags out, letting Louis take a handful of each. “I suppose it’s a little clever.”
Harry looks triumphant. “That’s what I thought you said.”
He’s insufferable, but Louis likes it.
xx
It’s three weeks of gummy sharks later when Harry shows up with a big fuzzy blue towel thrown over his shoulders and in bright yellow swim trunks. The water has started to taste like summer and it warms up Louis’ blood.
Louis swims up to the shoreline and lays his arms out into the warm sand. “Missed you.” He says, because apparently that’s how he greets Harry now.
“You too.” Harry says, and it’s hello.
“The water’s fine.” He says, flipping his tail in the shallows.
“I’m sure.” Harry says noncommittally, setting his towel down on the tiny stretch of beach they’ve claimed for themselves.
“I thought we’d gotten over this ‘the crazy mermaid is going to drown you thing.’” Louis says, rolling over so his back is in the sand, liking the way it feels so much different from the water.
“We did.” Harry says, coming to sit next to Louis, legs crossed on the beach. “I don’t swim very well. Besides, every time I follow you into there you never want me to get out.”
“I let you get out.” Louis says, sliding back into the pond to flush his gills out, the sand washing off his skin. “And I could help you swim. Make sure you’re safe.”
“You’re smaller than I am.” Harry says, making a sand mound and drawing a smiley face in it.
Louis rolls his eyes. “I literally spend all my time in the water, Harold. And I’m stronger than I look.”
Harry raises an eyebrow and Louis reaches for his hands, giving them a lazy tug. “Come on. It’ll be fun. Don’t tell me you wore your swim trunks just to sit around on the beach.”
“I got tired of getting my jeans sandy and damp.” Harry says with a pout, but lets Louis coax him into the water.
“See, this isn’t so bad.” Louis says, swimming around his legs just like that first day.
“I have been out this far before, but thanks.” Harry says testily, taking another sloshing step forward.
“No need to be snippy,” Louis says, swimming out further and wiggling his fingers in Harry’s direction. “You still following?”
“Still following.” Harry says, the water up to his chest now. “It’s a bit cold.”
“It’s lovely once you put your whole self in.” Louis counters, swimming up to hold Harry’s hands again. Maybe he’s a little bit obsessed with the way Harry’s skin feels.
“I knew this would happen. Can’t just do things half way, can you?” Harry asks, swinging Louis’ hands back and forth in the water.
“Nope.” Louis says, taking water into his mouth and fountaining it up into Harry’s face.
“Lovely.” Harry says dryly, only prompting a burbling laugh from Louis.
“If you go under I’ll let you touch my tail.” Louis says, swimming up close to him so Harry has to look down to meet his eyes.
Harry doesn’t answer for a moment, then lets out a long suffering sigh. “The things I do for you.” He says, then ducks his head underwater with a splash. Louis slips under too, smiling at the way Harry’s curls twirl up back towards the surface, how he squeezes his eyes shut like he’s afraid he’ll let all the lake in. Louis wants to press a kiss to his underwater mouth, to keep all the bubbles inside, but he doesn’t.
Harry breaks the surface and Louis follows, smiling up at Harry’s pond wet lips and soaking hair.
“Do I look like a merman yet?”
Louis shakes his head. “Not yet. Give me a second.” He lets go of Harry’s hands, swimming out into the mess of weeds, fishing around until he finds something suitable. “For your hair.” He says, reaching up to wrap the greenery around Harry’s head, pushing his curls back.
“Did you just make me an algae crown?” Harry asks, reaching up to touch the headpiece.
“It’s like the headscarf you wore last time. The pretty blue one.” Louis says, swimming in circles around him and admiring his handiwork.
“I love it.” Harry says, so genuine it makes the water a little warmer, makes Louis’ heart beat a little faster. “It’s so you.”
Louis just laughs. “Don’t you want to touch my tail?”
Harry nods, watching Louis with a smile thats soft but doesn’t fade. It’s not the one from before, where he didn’t believe that Louis was real, but the one he keeps for the minnows. “Of course.”
Louis swims up close to him, floating to the top of the water and pressing his tail to the surface. Harry watches for a moment, tentative hands that hover over his scales before fluttering over the surface. “It’s slick. Like fish scales but harder.”
Louis nods, running his hand over the place where his human skin gives way to scales. Harry’s hands feel strange and he’s missed being touched by anything other than the plants and the tiny nipping fish.
“I kinda want one.” Harry says idly, running his thumb across a scale, the green surface glinting underneath the water.
Louis thinks he could drown him if he wanted to, keep Harry down at the bottom until his lungs filled up with water and he grew a tail of his own. That way, Louis could keep him. He wonders what color Harry’s tail would be, soft blue maybe, pretty against his pale skin. Louis would like that; since his tail is the color of Harry’s eyes, maybe Harry’s could have the blue of Louis’.
Louis looks up at Harry, at the warm humanness of his body and knows he’d never drown him, even to keep him. “Well you can’t have one.”
“Why not?” Harry asks, his hands still resting on the curve of Louis’ tail, keeping them tethered together.
“Because you’re a human boy.” Louis says, wrapping his fingers around Harry’s wrist. “And you’re going to stay that way.”
Harry doesn’t wiggle out of Louis’ grasp, just looks down at the place his thumb and middle finger meet on Harry’s skin. “If you insist.”
Louis lets himself sink under the water, watches Harry through a film of ripples and doesn’t answer.
xx
Louis finds Harry’s pretty blue and pink headscarf tied around a rock left close to the place the water meets the sand. He beaches himself, lifting up the stone and reading the words on the bottom, careful not to ruin Harry’s scarf. In careful, silver sharpie, the rock reads: for Louis.
He doesn’t move for a moment, staring at the inscription until his lungs start to ache and he has to re-submerge. He unwraps the fabric underwater, watching it billow and wave in the current like a flag.
The scarf looks beautiful and strange down where everything is slimy and grows up towards the sun, a relic of a world Louis doesn’t remember as well as he wants to. He runs his hands across it, feels the seam of the edge and the smooth patterns, and smiles knowing that this much is his. He resurfaces, folding it with careful hands and wrapping it around his head, pushing his long, messy hair back with wet fingers.
He raises himself up and catches his rippled reflection, flashing a toothy grin down at the fish.
xx
Louis sometimes sleeps near a small wall of rocks in the center of the pond and he keeps his favorite things down there in a bucket tucked into the reeds. He doesn’t quite know why he does it, knows in his heart most of it is junk, but he likes having a few things that are his and no one else’s.
He doesn’t do much with it, just lays everything out sometimes and looks at it. It’s strange, knowing it’s everything he has in the world.
Half a pair of safety scissors. A bright orange shovel. A faux pearl necklace. An anklet. Two skeins of embroidery floss: green and purple. A wine glass. A comb. A broken wine glass. A plastic jewel. A strange looking bottle. Two sets of car keys. A rubber duck.
He presses his fingers to Harry’s headscarf, pale blue and pink against his dark hair. That too.
xx
Next time, Harry brings Niall. Louis watches them from the reeds as Harry calls out to him.
“I brought a friend. His name’s Niall. I hope that’s fine, he wants to meet you.” Harry says from where he sits cross legged by the lake. Niall is digging a hole in the sand and watching the reeds eagerly.
“Come out, fish boy, you’re making Harry sad.” Niall calls, splashing his feet in the water.
He hears Harry make an indignant noise and Louis laughs before he can help himself. “Don’t call him fish boy, his name’s Louis.”
Niall rolls his eyes and Louis floats out into the cove, smiles ebulliently at him. “It’s not nice to call mermen fish boys.” He says, even though he likes having a nick name, never really had a good one before.
Niall jumps, a smile alighting on his face when he spots Louis. “Shit, you’re a mermaid!”
Louis burbles in the water, ducking back down and up again, swishing his tail to propel himself to the shore. “Hi Niall.”
Niall smiles over at him, then makes a funny face. “Hey, fish boy.”
“Hey, human boy.” Louis says petulantly, reaching out to poke Niall in the knee just because he can, smiling when a wet droplet slides down his knee.
“I like it, it fits me.” Niall says, nodding seriously at Harry. “Very creative.”
“You’re the one who named me fish boy.” Louis tells him, sliding back into the water. “You two going to swim?”
Niall shrugs, sliding in so he has water up his belly button, soaking his american flag swim trunks. “Yes.”
“I thought we were going to the pool after this.” Harry says tiredly, sliding in next to him and crossing his legs in the shallow water.
“Well there is a mermaid here, did you see any mermaids last time we went to the public pool? This pond definitely wins.” His eyes light up. “Minnows!”
“The minnow fixation is really sweet.” Louis says, cupping a few in his palm and watching them swim around. “They’re cute, in a fishy way.”
“Tiny squirmy animals make Niall excited. We saw a baby bunny last spring and I thought he was going to pass out.” Harry says seriously, as Niall elbows him and tries to protest.
“Don’t act all high and mighty.” Louis says, prodding Harry in the thigh, mostly because he likes touching him. “I saw you with those minnows that first day. You looked like you were seeing sunlight for the first time.”
Harry laughs, looking a little bit guilty. “They’re just really wiggly, I like them.”
Louis laughs at him, slipping back into the pond. “Come deeper. Water’s getting warmer every day.”
Niall slides forward a few inches. “I can’t get up. I don’t have any limbs.”
“That’s a lie.” Louis tells him, swimming back up and taking his wrists, trying to tug him in even though the water is too shallow for him to really move.
“You’re so persistent, you do this to poor Harry too?” Niall says, stumbling into the pond with a laugh.
“Swimming alone is boring.” Louis says, because he wants both of them to stay, hasn’t had anything even close to friends in ages. He’ll never ask them, because he knows they can’t, but every word he says is really please stay just a little longer.
“This is true.” Niall says, tossing his hat towards the beach as he dives under, shaking his head like a dog when he resurfaces. “Come on Harry, join the party.”
Louis nods in agreement, swimming up to Harry with a big grin. “Come on human boy, don’t be so boring.”
Harry rolls his eyes, getting up and taking a few steps into the water. “I’m not boring. Niall’s just easily persuadable and you’re half fish.”
Niall splashes both of them and Louis laughs over Harry’s long, world weary sigh. Louis sneaks a look at him, and grins at the way he’s trying so hard not to smile. “Fine, if we’re going to play it that way.” Harry says, wading in and twirling in a circle with his arms out so he can splash both of them.
Louis ducks under, swimming towards Harry and pinching his sides so he doubles over, resurfacing only to laugh as he pouts. Louis splashes him once more, swimming over to give Niall a high five.
“Louis, you’re wearing my headscarf, shouldn’t that put you on my team?” Harry yells over at them as they push waves of pond water at each other.
“Don’t listen to him, Louis!” Niall yells, letting out a rather high pitched shriek as Louis sinks into the water and splashes him with his tail.
Louis almost doesn’t care that he isn’t human.
xx
Harry visits late one night and he’s all wrong.
Louis is still awake, staring up at the stars he can’t name but recognizes now, when he hears his name and movement from the beach. He sinks down so he can’t be seen, only his eyes visible over the lip of the water, finding Harry undressing on the sand until he’s standing in his boxers, looking small and pale and strange in the moonlight.
“Louis?” He asks, sloshing into the shallows even though Louis always has to coax him in. “Fuck, it’s so cold, how do you do this?”
“I don’t mind the cold.” Louis says, swimming slowly out to meet him. “What are you doing? It’s late. You aren’t wearing a swimsuit.” Louis wants to reach out for him but there’s something foreign in his eyes and Louis doesn’t know anymore.
“I had a date tonight.” Harry says, wading in so his stomach is underwater, then further so the pond is up to his shoulders. “And I’m sitting there listening to this guy talk and I realize I don’t care about anything he’s saying?”
Louis follows him, coming closer, wishing he could draw the poison out. He’s never seen Harry like this, doesn’t know what to do with the darkness that falls from his fingers and turns the water black.
“I feel like I don’t have any control over my life.” He says quietly. “I have to do all of these things and I just want to stay here with you. Like, I know I can’t but sometimes I want to. It’s stupid.” He submerges for punctuation, and Louis follows him, watches his underwater face as bubbles drip from his lips. He opens his eyes slowly, blinking against the water, and Louis almost reaches to press them closed, to keep him that much more human. Harry blinks at him, watches his tail and his face and reaches out to take his hand, holding it underwater before he resurfaces with a gasp.
“We used to play a game when I was little called tea party. You’d go underwater and pretend you were having a tea party on the floor of the pool until you ran out of breath and had to come up again.” Harry says, combing his hair back with his fingers. “Reminds me of that.”
“I do that, a little. Up here. Play human.” Louis says, then ducks back down to drink the water into his lungs.
Harry doesn’t answer for a long moment, sinks down so only his eyes are visible, his nose just above the water line. “I wish you were human.”
Louis doesn’t answer, just reaches out for Harry’s hands. “Please don’t.” He wants that too, wants to breathe Harry’s air more than anything.
Harry presses on, presses closer. “I wish you were human.”
“Harry, please.” Louis says. His tail bumps Harry’s ankles when he swishes it, his elbows knock against Harry’s ribs. He’s forgotten what it’s like to be so close.
“I wish I was a merman.” Harry says quietly, eyes shutting for too long before he opens them.
Louis pushes at him, hands catching on his shoulders and in his hair. He’s almost angry, but it dissolves so quickly into sadness, because Harry can’t understand how floating is being more than dead but less than alive.
“I just want to stay here with you.” Harry says, and Louis shakes his head, strokes a hand through his curls and presses into his warmth.
“I know.” Louis says, shivering at the way Harry’s hair almost feels like his, how they look the same from the surface. He thinks about trying to explain everything that’s wrong here, how Harry would have to die and how not alright he is with that. He doesn’t know how to get the words out and hopes Harry understands anyways.
“I’ll figure all of it out.” Harry mumbles, pressing his face down into the water and tucking it into Louis’ neck.
“I know.” Louis repeats, running his fingers across Harry’s warm skin even after it goes clammy with the water. He doesn’t know what this is anymore.
Harry leaves later, his fingers pruned up like raisins and his lips numb and blue, and Louis watches him walk back up the beach, feeling heavy enough to sink to the bottom of the pond and never surface again.
xx
Harry comes back the next evening with apologies. He sits in the water and Louis lays next to him and the sun tries to paint them a sunset.
“I’m sorry about last night.” Is the first thing he says, before Louis’ name, even. “I don’t know what happened. I was drinking. I just felt really bad. I didn’t mean to say what I did.” He has purple underneath his eyes like Louis, and his hair is pulled back in a bright red bandana. He looks tired, like he’s slowly suffocating.
Louis doesn’t answer for a moment, just floats up next to him, adjusting the bright blue headscarf tied around his head. “I don’t mind.” He picks his words out carefully, letting them fall into the water like pebbles, each making tiny ripples. “Just don’t ever ask me to turn you again. I won’t do it. Ever.”
Harry looks at him, green eyes pale, like all the darkness seeped out of him. “I won’t ask.”
“Good.” Louis says, flipping his tail and disrupting the quiet. Harry doesn’t say anything, and they sit, breathing in and out.
Louis sinks below the water and then surfaces again, blinking in the evening light. “What was wrong with your date? Did he have lice? Cooties? Did he refuse to let you eat macaroni?”
Harry looks bemused for a moment, before the right side of his mouth ticks up into a reluctant smile. “Definitely lice. Possibly cooties. And I don’t feel he would have approved of macaroni at all.”
Louis makes a face, sneaking his hand towards Harry’s, wishing he had warmth to give him. “Yucko. Why’d you go out with him?”
Harry looks down when he feels Louis’ fingers and takes them with a secret smile out to the horizon. “I wanted to. Reasons. But once I got there I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I didn’t want to be with him. And then he tried to get me to sleep with him. It was very not good.”
Louis squeezes Harry’s fingers. “I’m glad you’re okay now.”
Harry shrugs. “Me too.” The sky has turned light blue, pale pink haze resting on the horizon, and Harry breathes the air in slow like he’s not sure there’s enough. “What do you remember about being human?”
Louis freezes, keeps his eyes locked on the sunset as he shrugs. For once, Harry doesn’t apologize for asking when he doesn’t respond, waits for him. Louis wants to press his hand to Harry’s chest and feel his heartbeat. “I had three sisters. I used to watch a lot of cartoons. My mom would make me waffles every sunday.”
“I like pancakes better than waffles.” Harry tells him, and Louis sticks his tongue out. Thinking about the memories makes him feel weird, like he has two people inside his body. Himself, and the version of himself that doesn’t exist anymore.
“Waffles have syrup pockets, what do pancakes have?” Louis asks petulantly. “Nothing.”
“Blueberries and chocolate chips if you make them right.” Harry says, kicking at his tail with his foot.
“I’m just not feeling it.” Louis says, lying down so his gills are still in the water, looking up at the darkening sky. “I used to play football. I was good at it. Well, not that good, but I really liked it.”
“I’m terrible at football, so you’re in good company.” Harry tells him.
“At least you have legs.” Louis says petulantly.
“You’re still probably better than me.” Harry says seriously, and Louis lets himself smile even though thinking about being human makes him feel like he’s full of rocks, like he’ll sink to the bottom and stay there. The thing that really aches is the knowledge that he’ll never be able to go back to the life he used to have. He has no idea if they still make waffles on Sunday mornings.
“I miss holidays.” Louis says. “There aren’t any holidays in ponds. Haven’t had Christmas in years. No birthdays either.”
“That’s horrible.” Harry says, looking down at him with a unhappy divot between his eyebrows. “When’s your birthday?”
“December 24th.” He smiles brightly. “I’m a Christmas miracle.”
Harry rolls his eyes. “Well happy very late birthday, then.”
“Thanks, Harry, that’s very kind of you.” Louis says, and he’s trying to sound flippant but it is nice to hear. It’s one of those things that makes him feel just a little bit more normal, a reminder that he was born and he existed, that he still exists.
“I want to like, bring you a holiday.” Harry says, splashing a bit in the water. “But there’s nothing coming up. Summer sucks for holidays.”
“We could make up a holiday.” Louis says, spotting the first pinpricks of stars in the purpling light.
“That we could.” Harry says, humming softly under his breath. “Happy fun pond day.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Happy cool not lame splash day.”
“That’s not better at all.”
“Happy splash pond fun Louis day.”
Louis gives into laughter, letting water burble in his gills as his eyes crinkle shut. “I like that one because it has my name in it.”
Harry grins, mouth stretching almost too big to look comfortable, and he squeezes Louis’ hand tighter. “I’ll bring Niall. We can do something fun.”
“Yeah, okay.” Louis says, running a hand up into his hair and down his neck, just feeling, memorizing.
Harry makes him feel real.
xx
Happy Splash Fun Louis Day is ridiculous. Niall brings a camp stove and half a sheet cake, and Harry brings balloons and sparklers and they sit on the beach with hawaiian leis around their necks and play oldies hits from Niall’s tinny speakers.
“This isn’t really how I remember holidays.” Louis says, licking a bit of vanilla icing from his fork. He’s nearly dropped his plate in the water twice, and he thinks if he manages to eat any of the cake without soiling it with pond water, its going to be a miracle.
“You obviously celebrated the wrong kind of holidays.” Niall says, before belting along to Love Me Do.
Louis shares a look with Harry, who shrugs and eats another bite of cake.
“I guess I can’t really argue with cake and the Beatles.” Louis says, failing to suppress a smile.
“Hell no you can’t.” Niall agrees.
“It’s definitely just as good as Christmas.” Harry says sagely. “I wonder if we could make it a national holiday. An international holiday even.”
“Everyone has to find their friendly neighborhood mermaid and bring them sheet cakes?” Louis says, adjusting the soggy fabric flowers flung around his neck. “I feel like that’d catch on.”
“Definitely! We could market it as like, the English Fourth of July. Hot dogs, cake, and fireworks.” Harry says, excitedly waving the box of sparklers around.
“I feel like there are some big problems with England having their own fourth of July, but you do your thing, buddy.” Niall says.
“What problems?” Louis asks through a bite of cake. “What’s special about the 4th of July?”
“Damn.” Niall says, as Harry gives him a look.
“You know, the American Revolution? Independence from England?” Harry offers, sounding worried in a way that makes Louis’ stomach drop.
“I don’t- what happened?” Louis asks, sinking lower in the water because he doesn’t want to be seen anymore. He can feel his cheeks coloring, wants to dissolve. They were having fun and now he feels cold and soggy again.
“It’s history stuff, but you wouldn’t know, would you?” Harry asks, and he’s trying to be gentle, but Louis still feels like there’s something wrong with him. “You haven’t been to school in...” He trails off, his face scrunching up at he stares at Louis.
“No.” Louis says, accidentally tipping his plate into the water so water dribbles into the yellow sponge. “Fuck.” He says with a sigh thats more manic that it’s supposed to be. “Shit damnit.”
“S’alright.” Niall says, setting his plate down and jogging out to the water’s edge. “We can teach you some stuff. Splashy fun time day can be a historical event. Teach your friendly neighborhood mermaid modern history.”
“Niall, I barely know any modern history. I got a C in the class.” Harry says, and he sounds a little bit frantic. Louis can empathize with that right now.
“Well you took the class, didn’t you?” Niall says. “I’m an expert. Lets start with colonialism.”
“I know some things.” Louis says, because he’s not an idiot, but his hands are shaking and he’s holding a plate of soggy fucking cake.
Niall smiles, wading out to take the cake from his hands. “Don’t worry about it.”
“How am I supposed to do that.” Louis mumbles, swimming up closer. He can feel Harry’s eyes on him but doesn’t really want to meet them. He doesn’t want either of them to think he’s stupid, but mostly he doesn’t want Harry to.
“England colonized a lot of places in like, the 1600s.” Niall begins sagely, waist deep in the water with two tangled flower leis draped around his neck. “Like India, because of spices, and also the Americas, because Christopher Columbus, who I think was with Spain, discovered it? Yeah. It was pretty shitty because Christopher Columbus was looking for a better way to India and ended up totally fucking shit up for the native people in America-”
“Maybe next time we should bring a book.” Harry says quietly, and Louis sneaks a look at him, finds his eyes kind and far too green. He wants to swim over to him, to be held and hold him back. He tries not to think thoughts like that, but sometimes they come anyway. “Not that Niall isn’t a font of historical knowledge.”
Louis nods, and he’s smiling a little, even though it’s all so terrible. “Thanks. For this.” Louis says, his face heating pink even as he says it. You make me feel human. You remind me of how far I am from it. “This whole thing. It’s nice. You guys are nice.”
“You’re the best mermaid I’ve ever met.” Niall says matter of factly, stealing a bit of the unsullied icing with a finger.
“I’m the only mermaid you’ve ever met.”
Niall shrugs. “Still the best.”
xx
A week later Harry comes down with a History textbook and reads to him until the words start to blur and the dates run together like ice cream in the sun.
“It’s pretty interesting.” Harry tells him like he’s trying to convince both of them, submerged up to his waist, the book abandoned on the sand. “I was always so shit at history. Couldn’t remember any of the dates.”
Louis swims around him, smiling in the sparkling water. “Easily distracted, aren’t you?”
Harry nods guiltily, running his hands absently through the water. “Very much so. But I got my act together eventually.”
Louis gives him a few quick claps as he floats, staring up at the blue sky. “You’re an inspiration to us all.”
Harry sticks his tongue out at him and Louis laughs in response, splashing water on him. “It’s warm today.”
Harry nods, sinking lower in the water so the waves are up to his shoulders. “Finally feels like summer. Took its sweet time.”
“Yeah. Water takes ages to warm up.” Louis says, lazily flipping his tail. “But it gets there.”
“Thank goodness. It was horrible wading out to meet you at the beginning.” Harry says, shivering at the thought.
“But you did it anyway.” Louis reminds him, smiling at the thought of him with his shorts and sunshine colored windbreaker, looking out in the water with big sad eyes.
“I’d seen a merman, was I just supposed to let you get away?” Harry says indignantly, reaching out to poke him in the tail.
“I guess not.” Louis says, running his fingers across Harry’s arm. “You still don’t know how to swim.”
“Nope.” Harry says, dry hair blowing in the breeze.
“I should teach you.” Louis says, sinking low in the water. “It’s easy. Human babies are born learning to swim, they just forget. A mermaid told me that.”
“What if babies are born able to do amazing things from their past lives, but they can’t remember them because they’re babies?” Harry asks, and Louis laughs, reorienting himself in the water just to see the hopeful expression on Harry’s face.
“That’s one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.” Louis says, burbling amused little bubbles at him. “I like it. It’s a nice idea.”
“Yes it is.” Harry says, sinking low so their mouths are on the same level. Louis reaches out to mess up his hair like he always wants to, running pond wet hands through the curls.
“Your hair is so long.” Louis says, splashing water into it so it goes dark and straight.
“So’s yours.” Harry says, reaching to tug on a piece of Louis hair. Louis shrugs, feeling the light brown strands tickle his shoulders. He used cut it, back before he broke his pair of scissors, but now it’s loose around his shoulders, chestnut and fine.
“Come under with me.” Louis says, and sinking into the pond and opening his eyes in the low green light. Harry follows him, bubbles streaming from his lips like pearls, hair wisping out behind him like a lion’s mane.
Louis reaches out to tug his hands through it, smiling at the way it feels like his. He likes the way Harry looks in his world, washed out pink and gold in the glaucous water. He presses into Harry’s space, bumping their noses together and grinning at him. Harry lets him, resting his hands on Louis’ shoulders and watching him with trusting eyes that blink too quickly against the water.
Bubbles spill from his lips in slow streams and Louis presses his lips against Harry’s mouth. Just to keep his air inside. Harry doesn’t move for a moment, just blinks at him before coming up to gasp for air.
Louis follows him to the surface, smiling up at the sunlight.
“Why’d you do that?” Harry asks, and his words stumble a little bit as he wipes his bottom lip with his thumb.
“I wanted to.” Louis tells him, treading water.
“Do you like-” Harry stops, purses his lips, starts again. “Do you know what a kiss is?”
“I know what it is.” Louis says, feeling his face heat. “I wasn’t kissing you. Just like, keeping the air inside your lungs. With my mouth.”
Harry just stares at him. “This is weird.”
Louis sinks lower in the water so Harry can’t see his blush.
“Louis.”
“Sorry.” Louis says into the water, then comes back up to the surface so Harry can hear it. “I’m sorry.”
Harry shakes his head, still looking down at him with that bemused look on his face. Louis hates that look, he always wants Harry to understand. “It’s ok.” Harry pauses for a long moment. “I want to kiss you.”
Louis just watches him, smiles when Harry touches his fingers and sinks back into the water, smiles when Harry kisses him like he’s asking permission. Louis wraps an arm around Harry’s neck, holding himself up as Harry’s arms wrap around his back.
Harry feels like sweetness and warmth and being alive and Louis is terrified about not being good enough, hopes that if he holds Harry tight he won’t want to let go. Harry kisses him slow, soft lips against his, and it’s innocent now, Louis fingers toying with the wet curls at the nape of Harry’s neck.
Louis presses his tongue against the seam of Harry’s lips, pressing inside so he can taste him. Louis wants to devour him a little bit, wants to eat this moment up and let it keep him warm forever.
Harry’s hands run across his back, over his shoulder blades and the knobs of his spine, and Louis can’t decide if he wants to be closer to Harry or closer to his hands. Harry pulls back, green eyes sparkling and lips too pink for words, pressing softer kisses up the bridge of Louis’ nose as Louis breathes in the water.
“You taste like the pond.” Harry says, holding him safe. “And something else.”
Louis smiles, running his fingers through Harry’s hair and tracing designs on his back. There are reasons this won’t work, but he can’t think of them right now, too caught up in the way Harry feels beside him, the way his eyes shine so bright. “Is that okay?”
Harry nods, stealing another kiss. “Yes.”
Louis knows they should talk about this, knows eventually they’ll have to, Harry on the beach and him in the water, but right now all he has to do is kiss him.
xx
“You can’t just date a mermaid. Where are you going to take me? The movies? The park for a walk, oh wait, I don’t have legs.” Louis says, the sun still low in the sky as the day starts to warm up. Harry has his windbreaker tied around his waist, a beanie shoved on his head and he’s drawing circles in the sand.
“It was just an idea.” Harry says gloomily, reaching for Louis’ hand and giving a quiet little smile when Louis lets him take it. “I’m trying to tell you I like you.”
Louis looks up at Harry, all his naiveté spread out on the beach before him. “I like you too. Doesn’t mean we should date.”
“Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t date.” Harry says, moodily swirling his fingers through the water. “I tried dating other people, it’s just not easy like this is.”
Louis pouts even as happiness curls in his gut because he needs to be loved best like flowers need the sunlight. Love makes him greedy and he never has enough of it. He sinks down below the water, flicks his eyes over Harrys outline and tries to stay sane. “Well try harder.”
“Why?” Harry asks. “I like being with you.”
“I like being with you. I like being with Niall too. And the little minnows.” Louis says, trying not to let the compliments worm their way into his bloodstream. He knows if he has this conversation long enough Harry will convince him, and he doesn’t entirely know why he hasn’t gotten out of it yet.
“No but like-” He pauses, brushing a strand of Louis’ hair out of his face. “I work for my dad, you know? At this big company and people there are different. They don’t see me like you do, I’m just the boss’s big shot kid. With you I’m just Harry. You don’t care about any of that shit.”
“What shit?” Louis asks, pulled in a little closer, the waves pushing Harry just that much nearer to his heart.
“Money for one thing. And connections and promotions and getting in good with my dad.” Harry says, and Louis would make fun of his rich boy problems if he didn’t look so upset, his eyebrows knit together and a sad little quirk to his mouth. “I never know if people like me for me or because my dad pays their bills.”
“I’m sorry.” Louis says, sliding up onto the sand and pressing a kiss against the junction of Harry’s knee. “Well what about you? What if you only like me because I’m a mythical creature with a really lovely tail?”
Harry smiles, and it’s reluctant but it’s there. “I do like you for your mythical properties and lovely tail.” He trails off, leaning back to watch him. “You make me laugh. And you call me out on my bullshit.”
“Niall does those things, why don’t you date him instead?” Louis asks, but it’s a shallow argument and he thinks they both know it.
“Don’t think Nialler is interested.” He says with a wry grin. “He also doesn’t have a tail.”
“I knew it was the tail.” Louis says, flipping it happily out of the water with a prim smile.
“You caught me.” Harry says, splashing his feet in the water like he’s proving he’s still human. “Honestly though, I’d still like you without it.”
Louis smiles, waves his tail around and watches it glitter in the sunlight, letting the conversation lapse into silence.
xx
It’s early morning and Harry is wading into the water in bright blue swim trunks.
“You wear so much neon.” Louis tells him, swimming out to take his hand.
Harry reaches down to intercept his fingers, letting himself be pulled into the deeper water. “I like neon.” He speaks softly in the mornings, always does, like he’s afraid of waking all the fish up.
“You’re my very own tropical fish.” Louis tells him, the old blue headscarf around his head faded nearly white. Harry never fades, he always stays solid and warm and the same.
Harry pulls his lips together and makes a fish face, breaking it to laugh when Louis turns and makes one of his own. “You’re a better fish than me.”
Louis rolls his eyes, leading Harry out through the tangled reeds. “Somehow this isn’t surprising at all.”
“I’m personally devastated. Being a fish is my lifelong goal. One day I’ll join my marine brethren in the beautiful expanses of the Sea Life Aquarium.” Harry says grandly, and Louis giggles before he can get another eye roll in.
“They’ll accept you as their long lost aquatic prince.” Louis says, pulling him into water so deep it comes up to his chin.
“The aquatic prince wishes to stop here.” Harry says, looking the smallest bit panicky in the deeper water. “Learning to swim isn’t supposed to end with me walking to my inevitable watery death.”
Louis gives him a comforting smile, swimming up to press tiny, bitey kisses against his submerged collarbones. “Relax. You won’t drown.”
“Have you ever taught anyone to swim before?” Harry asks, gulping air when the water tries to lap over his lips. Louis wants to tell it not to try and steal his boy, but he doesn’t think the little waves would listen.
“No.” Louis says, dropping Harry’s hand and swimming slow circles around him. “Don’t you trust me?”
Harry doesn’t answer for a moment, then holds his hand back out for Louis to take. “Yes. Still scared though.”
Louis laughs. “Try to lift your feet up and tread with your arms, like this.” He moves his arms around, floating in the water.
Harry doesn’t move for a moment, then tries, screwing his eyes shut as he flails in the water, only staying afloat for a few moments before falling back under.
“Don’t go so fast.” Louis tells him when he surfaces again, panting and watery eyed. “The water will carry you if you let it, but it’ll pull you under too.”
Harry just stares over at him, wide green eyes that still remind Louis so much of the pond.
He tries to soften his features, swimming over to Harry and pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. “You’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”
Harry smiles, his lips turning pale in the chilly water. Louis can’t decide if he loves or hates the way Harry starts to look like him if he stays in the pond too long. Louis wonders if he stayed on land for too long he’d start to look like Harry.
“Not sure how I feel about being taught to swim by someone who drowned.” Harry says quietly, like he isn’t sure it’s a joke he’s allowed to make.
“I’ve learned a few things since then.” Louis tells him, breathing in the water. “You just have to understand how the water moves.”
“I’m trying.” Harry says, floundering around in the deeper waves and coughing when he swallows a bit of water. Louis watches him struggle, his limbs long and strange in the lake. He almost looks like he’s getting better when he stops, stepping back so his neck is above the water and taking a few deeper breaths. “My arms are starting to hurt.”
“That’s okay.” Louis says, swimming so their chests are brushing and slipping his arms around Harry’s waist. “It takes practice.”
Harry smiles down at him, wrapping his arms around Louis’ shoulders and holding him closer. “I wonder if you’d be taller than me if you were human.”
“I don’t think so.” Louis says, not looking up from the place he’s tucked against Harry’s chin, his tail brushing against the sandy bottom. “At least I hope not.”
“It’d be okay if you were.” Harry tells him, and Louis can feel him smiling, somewhere beyond his comprehension. “But I like that you aren’t, too.”
Louis wants to hold him forever, wishes there was somewhere they could be human and mermen at the same time, somewhere he wouldn’t have to choose between two impossible dreams.
“Everything okay?” Harry asks, petting at his hair, and Louis lets the thoughts float off.
“Yes.” Louis says, and Harry just hums, holding him tightly in the waves.
xx
The summer heats up in crackling bursts of warmth like an old oven, the water keeping some of its chill even even as the sun burns up the sand. The pond is busy and Louis has to stay underwater more now, canoes and smaller boats making wakes in the murky water. Louis likes to look up at them from the sandy floor, watch their shapes blot out the sky. Cloudwatching for underwater creatures.
Harry visits late since he’s working more now, helping his dad past when the sun goes down and the last of the people traipse back home. Louis knows to wait for him, floating circles in the secluded cove until he hears the grumble of his car.
“Would you look at the time.” Louis calls when he hears Harry start down the beach. “You’re late.”
Harry sighs, and Louis watches him pull his shirt over his head, wading into the water. “You don’t have a watch.”
“I have a body clock, thank you.” Louis says curtly, swimming over to Harry with his hands outstretched. “I’m kidding, I’m not mad.”
Harry relaxes a little, shoulders losing some of their tension. He runs a hand through messy hair, and Louis tries not to worry about him. “Work is hard, surprisingly enough.”
“Responsibilities sound terrible.” Louis says, taking Harry’s hands in his. “Luckily they don’t exist here.”
Harry nods, green gaze gone unfocused. There are puffy little bags under his eyes and Louis beckons him down into the water so he can press damp kisses against them. Harry smiles when he does, brushing his fingers across the headscarf Louis still hasn’t taken off. “I should get you a new one, this one looks a little shabby.”
Louis shakes his head, feeling self consciously at the tattered fabric. “I still like it.”
“It still looks nice on you.” Harry says, pressing a reassuring kiss to the bridge of his nose. “But the pond isn’t great for the fabric.”
“Yeah, I know.” Louis tells him, sinking back under to breathe. “But it’s like, it’s one of the few things I have. One of the only gifts.”
“Do you have other things?” Harry asks, sinking down so the water laps at his chin.
“Yeah.” Louis cocks his head, staring up at him. “It’s really all trash though.”
“Well then why do you keep it all?” Harry asks, looking bemused in the pale moonlight.
“I like having things.” Louis says with a shrug, like it’s less than it is. It’s a tether to this world. Those things belong to him, they’re his. They make him real.
“Can I see them?” Harry says, eyes lighting up like the tiny pinpricks of stars above them.
Louis hesitates, then nods. “Be nice.”
Harry kisses him on the temple. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Louis slips out of his arms and swims to the center of the lake where he keeps the pail, digging it out of the sand with nimble fingers and pulling it to the surface. He doesn’t remember where everything is from at this point, some things other mermaids gave to him, some things he scavenged from careless visitors. He’s lost some things, found some back, thinks some things have dissolved into the pond like he will someday.
The pail is heavy in his arms but he heaves it up into the air in front of Harry, pouring the water out and keeping everything inside with one hand. “See?”
Harry digs through it, examining each item seriously, like they hold secrets even Louis doesn’t know. “Half a pair of scissors?”
“They broke. I lost the other half.” Louis tells him.
“I can bring you new ones.” Harry says, running a finger across the dull blade. “In case you have to like, cut string or something. Is this why your hair is so long?”
Louis nods, dipping the back of his head into the water just so his hair fans out around him like a Lion’s mane. “I kinda like it. Makes me feel like a proper merman.”
“It’s cute. Kinda mullety, but I don’t really mind.” Harry says, a teasing gleam in his eye.
“I’d be more mad, but you’re the one dating the merman with a mullet.” Louis tells him, smiling when Harry pulls a tattered yellow lei from the pail.
“Is this from our holiday?” He asks, draping it over his neck with a grin.
Louis nods. “I kept it.”
Harry grins, and he looks lighter that he did when he got here. “I’m glad.”
Louis smiles back at him, making the faded flowers lay flat against Harry’s neck. He wants to tell Harry to go home and get some rest but he can’t let him leave, treasures every moment they have together like it’ll be their last. He doesn’t know when he realized that this probably can’t be forever, but it weighs on him like rocks stuck in his pockets sometimes, because human boys don’t tie themselves to lakes and the boys inside them. He thinks he’ll be okay, that when Harry’s gone maybe Louis will disappear too. The problem is, he doesn’t really want to disappear at all. Never has.
“I wish I could kiss you properly.” Harry says, oblivious to the way Louis is shaking even though it’s warm.
“Why can’t you?” Louis asks, brushing his lips across the corner of Harry’s mouth and against his cheek.
“Because we both have to breathe.” Harry says, even though Louis didn’t really want to hear the answer.
“Breathing is stupid.” Louis tells him, smiling when he feels Harry’s fingers at the small of his back, hands creeping down to the place where his back becomes his tail. A breeze tickles his arms, makes the leaves quiver and the rushes whisper out secrets.
“Nah.” Harry says, kissing him quick on the forehead as Louis sucks water through his gills. “Breathing is important.”
“So’s kissing.” Louis says stubbornly. “I should get myself a sea witch. Change myself into a human and make you kiss me so I can have my voice back.”
Harry grins down at him, surprised. “You’ve seen the Little Mermaid?”
“I did have a childhood, thankyou.” Louis says irritably, biting against Harry’s collarbones like he does when Harry does something too human to bear.
“I just didn’t think about it, I guess.” Harry says, tweaking Louis’ nipples as he wiggles away. “Where’s your shell bra?”
“Oh fuck off.” Louis says, biting down on Harry’s warm human skin.
“I’m going to end up with a permanent bruise there.” Harry tells him, leaning down to press a kiss to his hair.
“Good.” Louis plays with the hair on the back of Harry’s neck. He likes the way it curls when it gets long, soft and downey in his fingers.
“Niall is starting to notice.” Harry whispers. “He wants to know who I’m sleeping with.”
“Well maybe you should tell him.” Louis says quietly, even though he knows Harry can’t just tell everyone he’s dating a mythical creature. He doesn’t like feeling like he isn’t really part of Harry’s life, like he’s the hidden pocket in his suitcase, the safe behind the painting.
“I don’t know what he’d say.” Harry says, pressing his face to Louis’ neck like he’s trying to hide there. “This isn’t normal.”
“Does it bother you?” Louis asks, words bubbling in his mouth and stinging his lips. He’s spent his entire life hiding from humans but he doesn’t want Harry to feel ashamed of him. He wishes he could be Harry’s human boyfriend, that he could pick him up from work and make him lunch. He doesn’t even know how to fucking cook.
“Sometimes.” Harry says carefully. “But it’s not because of you. It’s everyone else, not you.”
“Okay.” Louis says, and it hurts but there’s no other alternative. Maybe he’ll figure out how to be human one day, will crawl out of the pond and never have to worry about returning to the foam. “I’d be human. If I knew how.”
“I know.” Harry says, pressing a kiss just above his gills like Louis can breathe that in instead of the water. The pond ripples and drips and they’re skin to skin and still so far apart.
xx
Niall splashes into the water with a grin on his face, beach ball held high over his head like he’s going into battle. “Louis!”
Louis splashes him with a flip of his tail. “Niall!”
Harry wades in after him, big sunglasses obscuring his eyes, letting out a laugh when he nearly trips into the water. “Harry!” He says brightly, coming to hover by Louis like he always does.
Louis reaches out to brush his fingers over Harry’s torso in greeting before swimming over to Niall. “Pass!”
Niall shakes his head, holding the ball so that Louis can’t propel himself up high enough to get it. Louis tries splashing him, finally resorting to diving underneath the water and pulling down his swim trunks. He comes up cackling, stealing the ball and swimming to the far side of the cove. “I win.”
“Only ‘cause you didn’t play fair!” Niall objects, yanking his swimsuit back up as Harry laughs at him.
“My pond, my rules.” Louis says, throwing the ball up and catching it.
He’s throwing it up for the fourth time when Harry snatches it away from him, throwing it back to Niall, who catches it triumphantly. “And do your rules say we can’t play keep away?”
Louis swims over to him, splashing him vindictively. “They most certainly do. It’s not far, I can’t get out of the water.”
“You’re just mad we’re winning.” Harry says, tossing the ball to Niall. Niall smiles when he catches their gazes and his eyes remind Louis of the best summer days, and Louis wonders if he knows about any of it. He wonders how he’d react if it he did, how close they are to everything unraveling.
Louis tries to let everything else drown out his thoughts, splashing Harry with his tail until he shrieks.
xx
“I have to tell you something.” Harry says, the moon washing him out, making the planes of his face darker.
“Yeah?” Louis asks, laying down in the water, just deep enough that his nose and mouth stick out above the surface.
“It’s not a good something.”
Louis doesn’t answer until it’s apparent that Harry’s waiting for one. “Did you find someone else?” He knows it’s only a matter of time, when Louis is barely real, when he can’t be a part of Harry’s world in all the ways he wishes he was.
Louis can feel Harry’s eyes leave the stars to look over at him. “Why would you assume that?”
Louis scoffs, the sound muffled in the water. “Don’t pretend people aren’t throwing themselves at you. I thought you were magic the first time I saw you.”
“I thought the same thing about you.” Harry says earnestly, taking Louis’ hand in the shallow water. “Don’t change the subject.”
“Wasn’t trying to.” Louis says quietly, holding Harry’s hand tightly to try and keep him here. “What did you need to tell me?”
“I have to go to the city in a month or so. My Dad wants me to work in the main office with him.” He says it fast, like the words won’t burn his tongue if he gets them out quick. “I didn’t want to tell you. I thought if I didn’t tell you maybe it wouldn’t happen.”
“That’s a stupid thing to say.” Louis says, then tries to soften the words by squeezing Harry’s hand because if he hurts him he won’t stay.
“I don’t want to leave you here.” Harry says, letting their bodies slide close, scales against skin in the muddy water. “I don’t know if there are any ponds in London. Probably not. I could set up the bathtub if you wanted, you could stay in there.”
Louis’ throat is constricting and he’s suffocating in the bathwater already, soap clogging his lungs and stale water circling down the drain until there’s nothing left. “I can’t stay in a fucking bathtub.”
“I just thought-” He stops, starts again with pleading words. “We could be together, it would only be for a while, until we could find something better.”
“Fuck off.” Louis says, sliding underwater just in case he ends up crying. He thinks sometimes even Harry forgets he has a heart that beats just like everyone else’s, that even though he isn’t human doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel everything.
When he resurfaces, Harry has his head between his knees and Louis would feel bad if he couldn’t taste the soap in his mouth, feel the claustrophobic porcelain closing in on him.
“I don’t want to leave you here but I can’t visit all the time, not like I do now.” Harry says, his voice quiet like the waves at night, a rushing whisper that carries the whole lake but barely brushes the shore.
“I hate all of this.” Louis tells him, water streaming in and out of his mouth as he hovers where the pond meets the air.
“Me too.” Harry says, laying down next to him so they’re the same again. “But I can’t fix it.”
“I know.” Louis says, then once more with all the tangled nets wrapped around his heart. “I know.”
“I’ll visit when I can. Niall will visit, he said he would.” Harry says desperately, breathing heavy like the air is hard to push in and out of his lungs. “I wish you were human so much.”
“I’d be a terrible human.” Louis whispers, holding tight to Harry’s hand and digging the other into the sand. “I don’t remember how to be one.”
“I could have taught you. Like our history lessons.” Harry says, but it’s in vain and they know it.
Louis knows what their other option is, the only other one they have, where Harry throws his life away to be part of the lake. Harry doesn’t mention it this time around and Louis won’t bring it up, because Louis would turn human before he’d ever let Harry drown.
“This can’t go on forever.” Louis says, the words cracking and scratching at his throat. “You can’t follow your life one way and double back to kiss me on the weekends.”
“I want to.” Harry says. Louis wonders if Harry thinks that if he says enough sappy, stupid things he’ll plug the hole everything is draining out of. “I’ll double back for you forever.”
“Romantic.” Louis says. “Stupid and romantic.”
Louis can hear the smile in Harry’s voice, reluctant and sad. “That’s a fair description of me, yeah.”
Louis knows it’s going to be terrible, can barely remember how to be alone after Harry’s visits. He knows that Harry will stop coming eventually, that he’ll build a life Louis can never truly be a part of. He knows he can’t stay in Harry’s bathtub so he wants to live in Harry’s bloodstream instead.
xx
It feels like a three week goodbye.
Harry reads about the Cold War and somehow they both get distracted by pirate stories and so they read those instead. Harry brings Louis a black and gold patterned headscarf and they both pretend it isn’t a goodbye gift.
“Hypothetically, what color tail do you think I’d have if I were a mermaid.” Harry asks him one night after yet another failed swim lesson. (Harry’s limbs are heavy and he doesn’t let the water wrap him up and carry him)
“Don’t ask questions like that.” Louis says curtly, tracing a pattern on Harry’s thigh. He’s tanner now, summer giving him tan lines when his shorts sag down too far and making him look kissed by the sun. “Blue. Light blue.”
The days are long and they compare notes on sunsets even when they aren’t together.
“Really pretty pale pink from my office window. There’s a great view from the coffee maker, you get a really great salmon light a lot of days.” Harry tells him seriously as the make up their own constellations.
“I thought the purple at the end was the best part. And the sun did this thing where it outlined the clouds in gold. That’s my favorite.”
Harry stares out at the horizon when he thinks Louis is distracted, and his lips twitch down and it’s the worst thing Louis has ever seen. His eyes look sad when they stop and think too long, and Louis brings him palmfuls of minnows to try and make him smile again.
“I just don’t want to do this.” Harry says against the slick skin of Louis’ neck one morning. “I’m not ready, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even deserve this job, it’s nepotism and favoritism and everyone knows that.”
Louis pets his messy curls and hushes him because he secretly believes Harry can do anything. “You’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met. I wish I could feel like you do, with all your organs and every cell in your body. It’s brave to live like that. You deserve everything.”
“You’re just saying that.” Harry tells him, but Louis can feel his lips curl up against the cut of his gills.
“Yeah.” Louis tells him. “But I believe it too.”
It’s all terrible but Harry deserves this so much, deserves to wear fancy suits and have everyone know how amazing he is. The days get hotter as they grow into August and Harry changes his shampoo from hibiscus to apple and Louis tries to pretend he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning all over again. He wonders what he’ll turn into this time.
Harry comes late one night with a bandage wrapped around his wrist and a lazy smile on his face. “I got an anchor tattoo.” He says, peeling back the gauze and letting Louis see the sharp black lines.
Louis resists the urge to press his lips to the sensitive skin and smiles his needle sharp teeth instead. “It’s beautiful.”
“Do you know what it means?” Harry asks, covering it back up and sitting cross legged on the shore.
“I know what anchors are, yeah.” Louis says, a little bit proud and a little bit petulant.
Harry laughs and shakes his head. “I mean like, you know I got this for you? Because of you I guess?”
Louis laughs and his pale skin blushes pink. He could have guessed but he didn’t want to presume. “I didn’t know that, no.”
“You’re my anchor, being with you anchors me to the person I want to be. When I go off to London you’re still going to be my anchor, you see?” Harry asks, his words too soft and too tender when they touch his lips and fall into the water. Louis flushes pinker and dips his head under, blowing embarrassed bubbles.
Harry is his anchor too, the compass that keeps him from dissolving into unknown waters. He thinks as long as he holds tight to the memories and smooth silk he won’t forget what it is to be alive.
They eat gummy worms in the middle of the night and Harry tries to describe the plot of Aquamarine to him. They paint their fingernails bright blue the next day and Harry instagrams their hands in the sand with no caption.
Harry falls asleep on the beach one night, a quilt draped over his shoulders and his head pillowed in the sand. Louis stays up all night to make sure he’s safe and doesn’t wake him up, too endeared by the way his lips part when he breathes and how his eyelashes flutter when he dreams.
“How hard is it eating fish?” Harry asks him one evening, a half open bag of m&ms in his lap.
“Well it was either that or starving.” Louis says, shrugging his shoulders. He barely remembers those first few days, just Eleanor’s hair fanning out around her as she shook him awake for the first time, Rebecca teaching him to catch fish with his hands. They’re long gone now, washed away into the waves, but he feels a pang of missing them like a arrow to the chest. He can feel the sides of his mouth pull down, knows Harry can see the sadness on his face, how loss paints him blue.
“What is it?” Harry asks, and Louis shakes his head, watching him with gray eyes and trying to untangle all the pieces of his heart.
“It’s weird,” Louis says, and there should be more to that sentence but there isn’t. He tries to dredge up more words. “I keep losing things.”
Harry doesn’t answer, just looks at the water, and Louis leans over to take his hand. Louis speaks quietly because everything’s so fragile. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Harry shrugs, watching him with that frown on his face. “I forget that you weren’t born like this sometimes. It’s weird to think about.”
“It’s weird for me too.” Louis says, breathing in the waves and running his fingers across Harry’s skin.
“Do you know-” Harry pauses, digging a hand into the sand and tugging it out again. “Like, your parents. Have you talked to them since you drowned?” Louis doesn’t miss the way his voice catches on the last word like he doesn’t want to say it.
“No.” Louis says, and he used to daydream about it all the time, stay alive wondering what they were doing, if they missed him. Daydreaming about seeing them about and having them welcome him home. Now he tries not to think about it.
“I could look for them maybe, at least tell you if they’re okay?” Harry asks, and he sounds a little lost, like they’ve gone into waters too deep for either of them.
“But what if they’re not?” Louis asks, because he couldn’t handle knowing that he’d ruined them. “What if they’re divorced or dead or they don’t want to see me?”
“Of course they’ll want to see you.” Harry says, and it stings. “They must miss you.”
“I was twelve when I drowned. It’s too late to go back.” He sinks down lower, watching the sky through the ripples on the surface. “They aren’t your parents and it isn’t your choice.”
“I know.” Harry says after a pause that’s filled with all the water in the lake, ready to burst like a raincloud and melt them down to nothing.
“I can’t ruin my memories of them by going back.” Louis says. Harry presses a kiss to his watery lips and they don’t bring it up again.
Harry tries to learn to swim for the eightieth time and it goes as badly as it always does, because even though Harry is made of salt water he sinks like a rock.
“This shouldn’t be as difficult as it is.” Louis tells him with a laugh one evening as Harry splutters and coughs and Louis holds his head above water so he can get his bearings back.
“The only way I’ll ever learn to swim is if I become a fish.” Harry says grimly, getting his feet back in the sand and pushing his hair out of his face. “Maybe I’ll be a bluegill, or an angelfish.”
“I don’t think angelfish live in freshwater, you’d have an interesting time with that.” Louis chides gently, pushing a wet curl off of Harry’s forehead.
Harry makes a fish face and doesn’t listen to him.
“I’m going to be so bored when you leave.” Louis complains one lazy Sunday afternoon, tugging seaweed out of the water and putting it on Harry’s head like a hat.
“I’m sure you can find activities.” Harry says, helping him style it into a fashionable cap. “What did you do before I got here?”
Louis shrugs, yanking at a lily and tucking it into Harry’s seaweed curls. “Stuff. Not really sure. A lot of my memories are blurry, things fade in and out.”
“Is that normal?” Harry asks, eyes going suddenly concerned.
Louis shrugs again, casual as he re-arranges the seaweed so he has something to focus on. “Not sure.” He pauses, trying to find a suitable explanation. “I guess I’ve just been alone a long time.”
Harry’s face falls, and Louis would laugh at his expression if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. He’s sorry he said anything, sorry he made Harry look at him like that.
“I’m so sorry, Lou.” He says, curling closer to Louis’ body in the water like he wants to stay there forever.
“It’s not your fault.” Louis tells him, eyes blurring as he focuses on the beach.
The sun dips in and out of the horizon and their last few days slip by. It thunderstorms but Harry sits on the beach anyway, and Louis likes it, because when it pours it’s almost like their worlds are combining.
They’re half in the water and half up in the air.
xx
Harry comes at eight o’clock with his bright yellow windbreaker and sandy converse and asks for impossible things.
“The water’s lovely.” Louis tells him as he toes his shoes off and slides his jacket off his shoulders. He’s tan even in the moonlight and Louis wants to press kisses against the place where his shoulder meets his neck, make vampire bites against his summer skin.
“I’m sure.” Harry says, and he’s off tonight, every movement he makes just a little too careful, his eyes never quite meeting Louis’. “Perks of August I guess.”
Louis doesn’t ask him why yet, just lets Harry wade out to meet him, his strides deliberate like he’s running late for something.
“I think I want you to do something for me?” He says, voice tilting up at the end like it’s a question, hand tracing the line of Louis’ jaw.
Louis nods, letting the water drift them close together, like even the waves want them to be nearer. “What is it?”
“You have to promise that you will.” He says, pressing a kiss to the top of Louis’ head.
“Why do I have to promise?” Louis asks, brushing his hair back with gentle hands. “You’re scaring me a little.”
He shakes his head, holding Louis closer and closer until their bodies are nearly seamless. “Just promise.”
Louis holds his promise inside his lips and hides himself in Harry’s body. “I’m not making you any promises I don’t know I can keep.”
“Just promise.” It’s a breath that barely borders on a whisper.
Louis sighs deep, water dribbling from his mouth and fluttering his gills. You’re still scaring me. “I promise.”
“Turn me into a mermaid.” Harry says, quick like it’s been building up inside him for a while now, growing heavier and heavier until it can pull him to the bottom.
“No.” Louis answers, panic welling up inside him, holding so tightly to Harry he’s worried it’ll bruise. He knows he should have anticipated this but somehow it feels like drowning all over again because he doesn’t know he can save Harry if he really needs to be saved. It’s not like last time, when Harry was drunk and they were blurry and Louis didn’t love him so much. It’s so much more terrible, because Louis thinks this time he could do it. “Harry, no.”
“You promised.” He whispers sadly, all innocent words that slash at every part of Louis he ever left exposed. “I don’t know why you think its so bad. It would fix everything, we could be together.”
“Not like that.” Louis tells him, words stronger than he knew they could be. He can feel something like strength well up inside him as he gulps in pond water. He can’t make this okay but he can keep Harry human. “I won’t do that to you. Once you turn into a mermaid there’s no take backs.”
“I don’t care.” Harry tells him, even though his hair is dry and soft under Louis’ wet fingers and air flies into his lungs so easily. That world wants to keep him.
“Go home, Harry.” Louis tells him, grabbing his wrists and trying to steer him back to shore. He stumbles when Louis pulls him, falling onto his knees in the water. “Please go home.”
“What am I supposed to do?” He asks, and it’s all so ugly now, desperation in his eyes as Louis’ whole body shakes.
“I don’t care.” Louis snaps. “But you’re not dying here tonight.”
“It’s not dying.” Harry tries to tell him. “It’s turning.”
Louis shakes his head, the water too shallow for him to do anything other than plead with his eyes. Don’t come back in. Don’t make me push you out, I don’t know how many times I can say no to you. “It’s dying, even if you call it something else.”
Harry doesn’t answer, just kneels in the sandy shallows and stares at him, everything so plain in the moonlight. “I’m sorry I asked.”
“I’m sorry you asked too.” Louis says. That first day all he wanted was to pull Harry under the water but now he knows exactly why he can’t. “You don’t really want to give everything up, do you?”
Harry shakes his head, so slowly Louis almost doesn’t think he’s done it. “Just don’t want to give you up either.” He stands slowly, water dripping from his body in rivulets as he shoves his wet feet back into his shoes and walks slowly back to his car. By the time Louis thinks of anything to say, Harry’s already gone.
xx
Louis can’t sleep after that. He swims to the bottom of the lake and back up to the surface as the moon creeps across the sky in slow motion. His hands shake in the water and there’s a tightness behind his eyes that might be tears.
He swims to the shore and stares at the footprints Harry left in the sand, wishes the rain would come and wash them away. He’s as far in the shallows as he can go, sand brushing his belly and waves creeping up over his shoulders. Ten feet up the beach he can see Harry’s jacket, the sunshine yellow faded in the semi-darkness. He wants to touch it so badly, to wrap it around himself like a blanket and bring it down to the bottom with him.
The worst part isn’t that Harry wanted to be drowned. Louis wishes that was the worst part. The worst is that Louis thinks that maybe he could have done it, could have pulled Harry to the bottom and ended him. The worst part is that at least then he wouldn’t be alone.
He’s never gone so far up the beach but he thinks if he holds his breath he’ll be able to. He can pull himself there with his arms and come back before the water goes stale in his lungs.
He sucks the pond into his gills and hauls himself up onto the beach with a rush of adrenaline and panic, the sand sticking to his skin and giving under his fingers. He pulls himself forward, and it’s harder than he thought it would be but he can’t stop now, making wriggling progress across the beach.
He reaches the jacket just as his lungs are starting to burn and hugs it to his chest as he tries to turn his body in the sand. He catches sight of the shore and reaches blindly toward it, terror in his body as he coughs up pond water, air spasming into his lungs.
He’s drowning again and it’s just as bad the second time, maybe worse because he’s holding Harry’s jacket in his fingers and he knows exactly what’s happening and knows that he won’t be able to stop it.
He wants to yell I’m sorry and I just wanted to be closer to him but water is dribbling from his lips and he can’t stop coughing, body heaving as he makes one last push back towards the pond. His limbs don’t work right and his vision is starting to blur, and he wonders what he’ll turn into this time; dust and stone and bone and water.
xx
Everything happens at once.
Louis’s body is a supernova turning into a black hole and it aches all over, his limbs tight and wrong and throbbing.
He’s choking on air and water and he can’t figure out which one his body is rejecting.
His tail feels wrong and it won’t move right and his world is collapsing.
Someone is calling his name, over and over in rhythm like a heartbeat.
He feels hands on him and they don’t take the pain away but it feels less bad where they touch so he lets his eyes come open, blinking rapidly in the sunlight as he coughs up more water.
The person next to him swears and rubs his back slowly and Louis wants to hold their hand and tell them they’re the best angel he’s ever met. He coughs until he’s empty inside, at which point he realizes he’s breathing air.
“How did this happen?” The voice asks, and it’s Harry, Louis notices happily.
Louis tries out his voice, and it squeaks but it works. “I’m glad you’re here. That’s nice.”
“Of course I’m here, shit Louis.” Harry says, and Louis wants to tell him to calm down but he feels dizzy and delirious and like he wants to lay down in the warm sand. He does so. “What happened, tell me what happened.”
“I was getting your jacket.” Louis informs him, not sure if he likes how air feels in his chest. “I think I might go back in the water now. Like it better there.”
Harry grabs tight to his wrists. “You’re not going back in the water.”
Louis pouts, trying halfheartedly to escape Harry’s grip. “Why not?”
Harry looks stricken, his face pink and eyes wide. “Because you’re-” He stops. “Look at yourself.”
Louis doesn’t understand but he raises himself up on his elbows anyway and looks down at his tail, only moderately surprised to find that he has two legs. That’s weird. That definitely wasn’t there before.
He says as much. “That’s weird. That definitely wasn’t there before.”
Harry looks like he’s thinking about strangling him, which is not very nice.
“What?”
Harry just shakes his head. “You’re human.”
Louis stares at him for a long moment. “No, I’m dead.”
“You’re definitely not dead.” Harry tells him.
“Oh.” Louis says, looking around at the pond and at Harry and the legs that are somehow attached to his torso. None of it makes sense but he can’t make it stop. “I think I might be sick again.”
Harry holds him as he retches into the sand, nothing left in his stomach to throw up.
“Are you okay now?” He asks when Louis finally stops trembling, laying him down so his eyes are facing the sky and brushing his messy hair out of his face.
“No.” Louis says, because none of this is what he wanted. He didn’t mean to be dead but he doesn’t know how to be human. His whole body feels wrong and he just wants to fall back asleep at the bottom of the pool. “I can’t get my things. They’re at the bottom, they’re too deep.”
“It’s okay, we can get new-” He trails off at the look on Louis’ face, and Louis doesn’t know why it matters so much but it does, because that was all that was left of him and now it’s lost at the bottom of the lake. He has to start all over again and he doesn’t know how. He can’t do it all again. “I’m so sorry.”
Louis sits up just so he can curl into himself, drawing his knees jerkily up to his chest like he vaguely remembers doing in some other life.
“What can I do help you?” Harry asks softly, hovering in his periphery as Louis tucks his chin onto his knees.
“Just stay.” Louis tells him, reaching out a hand for Harry to take. “For now just stay.”
Harry takes his hand and stays.
xx
Harry gets him slowly into the backseat of his car as the sun creeps higher into the sky; has to carry him because his legs wobble and won’t carry him.
“I feel like an idiot.” Louis says as he takes a thick quilt from Harry’s hands and cloaks himself in it’s folds. His legs are odd and they move strangely and he can’t seem to get used to this new body. He wants to wrap himself in a cocoon and come back out a mermaid.
“Why?” Harry asks gently, and he looks almost afraid of him, like Louis is feral and unpredictable. It makes him want to lash out.
“Because I have weird stupid legs and a stupid cock and I just want my fucking tail back.” Louis says bitterly, staring resolutely at Harry as he blushes at the words.
Harry doesn’t answer, just climbs into the front seat of his car and turns it on with a low rumble. “For the record, your body parts looked fine to me.”
“Thanks.” Louis says dourly, pulling the blanket over his messy hair, dry and crinkly from the pond.
Harry hums under his breath. “You can take a shower when we get back to mine, it’ll make you feel better I promise.”
“Probably won’t.” Louis says just to be difficult. He’s not sure anything can make him feel better at this point, not when his whole body feels so incredibly wrong. He has new limbs imposed over a phantom one and he wants to crawl out of his fucking skin.
“Is there anything I can do?” Harry asks at a stop light, and Louis almost feels guilty because it’s not his fault Louis went and fucked everything up. He still has Harry’s jacket clutched to his chest.
“I don’t think so.” Louis tells him, resting his chin back on his knees, trying to think of something that could fix any of this. “Actually. A bath sounds okay. Do you have a bathtub?”
Harry smiles just enough for Louis to notice the movement. “I do. Bubble bath as well.”
“That’ll be alright.” He says, leaning so he can rest his shoulder against the door. He can feel the fight draining out of him as the sunlight streaks through the window, bleaching his feelings out. He was so afraid of being stuck in Harry’s bathtub in London and now all he wants to do it sink into the water and be clean.
“I think so too.” Harry says, driving slowly along roads Louis thinks maybe he should recognize. The stopping and starting motion of the car reminds him of the lake during a storm and he lets it lull his churning stomach. Harry is still with him even though he isn’t strange and magical anymore.
They stop in front of a tiny blue house with a mess of bushes in the front yard. “Niall and Barbara won’t be home until later.” Harry tells him, easing Louis out carefully. “We can figure out what to do once we get you cleaned up.”
“I can’t walk.” Louis says when Harry tries to help him stand. “I don’t remember how, my legs don’t work.”
“Of course they do. It’ll just take some getting used to.” Harry says authoritatively, and Louis almost believes him, lets Harry loop an arm around his body and lead him towards the door, his legs stiff and bendy in all the wrong places. Harry doesn’t have any stairs but it’s still a battle to get to the cream tiled bathroom, and Louis is breathing hard when he finally comes to a rest in the tub, blanket still wrapped around his shoulders.
“I hate this.” Louis says venomously, letting Harry unwrap the blanket and retrieve his bright yellow windbreaker from Louis’ white knuckled hands.
“It’ll be better soon.” Harry says, holding the jacket bemusedly. “How’d you end up holding this?”
Louis blushes, looking down at his feet. Feet, it’s odd and he doesn’t like it. “I wanted it.”
Harry just nods, lets that be Louis’ answer as he turns the tub on, chill water splashing onto the porcelain. “I wanted to apologize for last night. That’s why I came this morning.”
Louis nods, brushes his toes into the slowly heating water and lets it calm him. Last night seems ages ago, he can’t bring himself to be upset anymore. “It’s ok.”
“I wouldn’t have done it, I don’t think.” Harry says, pouring a capful of bright pink, aggressively herbal bubble bath into the water. “Maybe I would have. It seemed so stupid the morning after but at the time I could only think about how I didn’t want to leave you.”
Louis offers him a smile, the first one he’s tried all morning, and it stretches his lips funny but he’s fairly sure it’s the thought that counts. “Well guess we don’t have that problem anymore, do we?”
Harry gives a little puff of laughter. “We have new, fun problems now.”
“Yay.” Louis says, swirling the water and smiling when bubbles form around his fingers. “Love bubble bath. Not enough bubble bath in ponds.”
Harry smiles and it doesn’t look strained. Louis can feel himself stabilizing, and maybe it’s the water pooling around him or maybe it’s just that in Harry’s bathroom he feels safe again. “I’ll be right back, you need a cup so we can wash your hair.”
Harry returns a few minutes later with a plastic Rainforest Cafe cup and kneels by the tub. Louis sinks down into the water, blowing his own bubbles on the surface and then making a face at the taste of the soap on his lips. “That’s gross, Lou.”
“I literally am covered with half a lake.” Louis counters, feeling at his pond messy hair. He wonders if when he finally gets it clean, it’ll be soft and lovely like Harry’s, and the thought makes his chest tight.
“That’s a fair argument.” Harry says, turning off the tap and running his hand through the steaming water. “It’s warm.”
Louis nods, drawing his knees back up to his chin. “Come in?”
Harry shakes his hair out with a rueful smile. “You used to say that all the time in the pond too.”
“You always came in.” Louis counters, and smiles when Harry pulls his shirt up over his head and starts unbuttoning his pants.
“I feel like I should get my swimsuit.” He says, blushing a rosy pink against his bright green eyes. He’s always going to remind Louis of waterlilies.
“Just get in here and wash my hair.” Louis says, scooting forward so Harry can climb in behind him. He thinks this might be sexual but it only feels intimate, and that’s alright for now, they can figure out the rest later.
“I don’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable.” Harry says quietly, his hands hovering over Louis’ shoulders, barely touching him. Louis wants to turn around and press their bodies together, wants to steal his warmth and give some back for once.
“You make me feel safe.” Louis says in reply, leaning back against Harry’s chest and smiling when he starts and then relaxes into it.
“You have to sit up if you want me to wash your hair.” Harry says, dropping a light kiss on Louis’ shoulder.
Louis does so reluctantly, letting Harry pour cups of water over his head like a sporadic waterfall. He smells Harry’s shampoo when he opens the bottle and hums happily when Harry massages the bubbles into his tangled hair.
“Didn’t know I needed to get you a comb.” Harry murmurs absently and Louis doesn’t answer, just watches the soap trickle down his skin. He looks warmer than he ever did, lost some of the sickly blue pallor along with his gills.
“I miss my gills a little, those were very cool.” Louis says, feeling up the sides of his neck.
“They were fun.” Harry says. “I do think the tail was the best part though. I always had a weakness for the tail.”
“I know.” Louis says, reaching up to feel the soapy mess on his head and sliding his fingers beside Harry’s. “Gonna miss it.”
“You’ll get used to being human.” Harry says, and Louis thinks they both need that reassurance.
“That’s the plan.” Louis says, because there aren’t any other options. He was human before and he can be human again.
“Close your eyes, the soap stings.” Harry says, scooping up water and holding the cup over Louis’ head.
They’ll be okay, they’re going to make it through. It’s been so long but he’s finally come back to shore. Louis squeezes his eyes shut as the water falls over his shoulders and washes him clean.
xx
Louis sits on the kitchen floor in a pair of Harry’s sweatpants and one of his old flannels, the cuffs coming down over his hands and the legs dragging underneath his ankles.
“You should try walking.” Harry says as he turns the kettle on, Louis’ eyes on him from his seat on the floor. “You probably have the muscle mass for it, your legs are just out of practice.”
“Don’t fancy ruining my shiny new body.” Louis says, tapping his feet on the floor. He’s still struggling to get control of them, sometimes they move a little when he wants them to move a lot and sometimes they move too much when he’s try to stay still, but he’s getting the hang of it.
“I have bandaids if you end up needing them.” Harry says, sitting down on the kitchen floor next to him with two cups of cocoa.
“Cocoa? In the Summer?” Louis asks, taking a cup with a bemused smile, his hair wet and tangled on his forehead.
“It seemed like a comfort beverage.” Harry says, sipping at his mug.
“I guess that’s fair. Missed hot cocoa too. There really isn’t much at the bottom of a lake, weirdly enough.” Louis says, stretching his legs out straight in front of him, bending his feet back and pointing them forward again.
“It’s really weird seeing you here.” Harry says, poking at Louis’ shin with a socked foot, just like he used to do to Louis’ tail. Everything is strange but he likes the way Harry is familiar. The sun rises in the morning and the fish dash away when the humans play too close and Harry is always here.
“It’s kinda weird for me too.” Louis says, holding his cup in both hands and trying to steal its warmth. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself.”
“You can learn things. Come out with Niall and I. Come to London with me.” He says the last one like a question and he ducks behind his drink afterwards, like Louis is in any position to say no.
“Where else would I go?”
“I don’t know.” Harry replies with a shrug. “I can’t believe you’re here. We’re going to have to get you some clothes, mine don’t fit at all.”
Louis looks down at the too big pants and grins. “I like them. They’re cozy.”
“You can’t go around stealing all my comfy clothes. I need comfy clothes to survive.” Harry says very seriously.
“I don’t have any money.” Louis tells him. “I can’t just buy an entire wardrobe.”
Harry shrugs. “I can. At least a few different things.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” Louis says, because he’s already taken so much, Harry wrapped around him like armor he needs but doesn’t deserve.
“You don’t have to ask.” He purses his lips, looking intently at Louis. “You don’t have anything, I want to be able to give you things.”
“But then what am I supposed to give you?” Louis asks, keeping his voice light even as it sinks down into the floor.
“Doesn’t matter.” Harry says, taking a sip of his cocoa. The sun filters through the dirty window by the sink and summer drifts through the screen door in whispering breezes. Louis’ new life settles onto him like new skin.
“You need a haircut.” Harry adds, and Louis runs a hand through the hair dripping water down his shoulders and into the dips of his collarbones.
“Yeah probably.” Louis says, twirling his wet hair in his fingers. “Thanks for this by the way.”
Harry just shrugs. “Thanks for being real.”
xx
Walking is harder than swimming. The air doesn’t catch him or hold his limbs like a sister and he’s unsteadier than he’d like, all the balance he used to have lost to the waves.
“I do think you’re getting the hang of it. It should be much easier to learn the second time.” Harry says, standing next to him as Louis clutches the counter.
“Pretty sure I’m not getting any better.” Louis says, taking a few steps and then tumbling into Harry’s arms when he sets his foot down the wrong way. “I’m going to break my ankle and then we’re going to have a whole new set of problems.”
Harry looks down at him, hauling him back upright with steady arms. “You are getting better. That was three whole steps.”
“Two and a half.” Louis says, smiling when Harry presses a kiss to his forehead.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, I never learned to swim.”
“That’s not reassuring.” Louis tells him, but Harry just laughs.
“Sure it is.” He says. “Come on, lets keep going.”
Louis lets Harry loop an arm around him, leaning heavily on his side as they continue through the tiny house.
xx
When Niall comes in to find Harry making dinner and Louis sitting on the counter, Louis is pretty sure he’s inches from a heart attack. There’s a good bit of confused finger-pointing and a good bit of swearing and a few facial expressions that probably break some kind of record by the time he calms down enough to be coherent.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Niall says, for the thirteenth time, watching Louis like he thinks he might be hallucinating.
“You probably should have warned him.” Louis tells Harry, kicking his feet against the cabinet to get used to how they move.
“Sorry I was otherwise occupied.” Harry grouches, moodily stirring a pot of tomato soup. “Sorry Niall.”
“Nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.” Niall says moodily, his speech heavily accented as he glares in Harry’s direction. “Not every day you see a mermaid on your counter.”
“Merman.” Louis corrects, Niall barrels on.
“Now what are we going to tell B when she gets home? Oh, this is Harry’s mermaid boyfriend he’s been hiding from everyone for the last 2 months.” Niall crosses his arms, looking from Louis to Harry with raised eyebrows. “Don’t think I didn’t notice, you two are incredibly obvious.” He narrows his eyes at Harry. “Merman hickeys.”
Harry flushes and Louis resists the urge to cackle and poke at Harry’s cheeks, having the good sense to at least try and look guilty. “We were going to tell you-” Harry starts, looking a little bit helpless. “I mean come on, how was I supposed to break the ‘merman boyfriend’ thing?”
Niall rolls his eyes, hopping up on the counter next to Louis. “Nice legs, mate.”
“You too.” Louis says very seriously. “Sorry for not telling you.”
Niall shrugs, stealing a piece of american cheese and tearing off an orange corner. “I forgive you guys. But only because I figured it out on my own because you guys are obvious as hell.”
“Sorry not sorry.” Louis says. His hair is mostly dry now, softer and chestnut and ticking at his shoulders, and he’s starting to feel the smallest bit human. He hopes it all comes back, that he can have all of this.
“How’d you do it? Go back human?” Niall asks, and Louis can see Harry stiffen next to him so he reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder.
“I don’t really know. I got caught out of the water and suffocated and when I woke up I was human again.” He doesn’t mention the jacket or Harry standing on the edge of the water ready to drown because he doesn’t want to ruin this bubble of happiness.
“Damn.” Niall says, nodding seriously. “So you’re going to London with him?”
“If he wants to.” Harry says, before Louis can answer, turning on the griddle with his free hand. The butter sizzles on the surface and makes the room smell warm.
“Of course I want to.” Louis says, and Niall smiles like he knew the answer all along.
xx
“So you’re Harry’s secret boyfriend?” Barbara asks, blinking at him over tomato soup and cheese toastie. She’s only been home for a few minutes, and Louis can’t decide if he loves her or is terrified of her. She strode through the door in lipstick and a tailored suit and blinked at him with glittering eyelids before kissing Niall on the cheek and asking how they ended up with a strange boy on their counter.
“Something like that, yeah.” Louis says, clinking his spoon around in his bowl. Eating casually isn’t easy when he hasn’t had hot food in years, but he’s trying his best.
“Something like that?” She asks.
“Harry and I had some things to work though before we could be together.” Louis offers, looking at Niall for help. He wonders how to mentally communicate ‘can I tell your girlfriend I used to be a merman or is that weird?’
She nods slowly like not all of the pieces are quite fitting together but she’s willing to let it slide. “I’m sure I don’t want to know.” She says finally, taking a bit of her grilled cheese.
It’s probably better if she doesn’t.
xx
Louis is managing steps by the time midnight rolls around and he takes his last one of the night into Harry’s bed. He’s wearing one of Harry’s big tee shirts and a pair of his boxers, the curve of his hips making them fit even though Harry is larger. He scoots up to the headboard, an unfamiliar exhaustion weighing on his limbs and making everything seem softer on his unfamiliar skin.
“Do you need anything?” Harry asks, pulling his shirt over his head and climbing in next to him, pulling the sheet to his waist.
“Don’t think so.” Louis says as Harry turns off his bedside lamp with a click.
“If you need something you can wake me up.” Harry says steadily, green eyes blinking up at Louis as he sits cross legged on the mattress.
“I know.” Louis assures him, sliding under the covers with a sigh and sinking his head into the pillow. The moon shines a dull silver through the blinds and light is just the same as it was every night before this one, when they were on the beach together instead of in Harry’s bed.
“I’m glad you’re here.” Harry says quietly, reaching a hand out and laying it on the mattress. Louis presses his fingers to Harry’s, letting them tangle together.
“Me too.” Louis says, and it’s mostly true. He still feels a little bit panicked and a little bit strange but he likes being with Harry and he likes breathing his air. “It’s weird, not being able to tell the truth.”
“Most people wouldn’t believe it anyway.” Harry says, squeezing Louis’ fingers in his. His anchor tattoo is dark against his moon washed skin and Louis focuses on it, on being here.
“But it happened.” Louis says, more to himself that to anyone else. “It was real and it happened and soon it’ll be just like it didn’t. It’s sad, really.”
“It is sad.” Harry says, blinking at him in the stale darkness. “But I won’t forget, and Niall won’t. You won’t.”
“Yeah.” Louis says, running a finger over the ink lines and smiling when Harry shivers. “I don’t want to be ashamed of what happened to me.”
“Just because it’s a secret doesn’t mean you have to be ashamed.” Harry tells him in his sleep quiet voice. “It’s a good secret. Like a secret clubhouse or secret stashes of halloween candy.”
Louis giggles despite himself. “Stashes of gummy worms?”
“Yes.” Harry says decisively. “And for the record, I’m not ashamed of you. I think you’re great.” Louis doesn’t answer, smiles when Harry’s tired lips form more words. “Best merman I ever met.”
Louis watches him in the moonlight and slides forward to cuddle him before he can think better of it, tangling his feet up in Harry’s and tucking his face against his chest. “Only.” He murmurs, letting his eyes drift closed.
When he closes his eyes he can still feel the rush and the pull of the water around him, and it’s like he has everything all at once.
xx
Louis forgets about everything for the moment it takes him to wake up. In the second before he reaches consciousness the blankets are pond water and the sunlight filters between the reeds to kiss his pale green shoulders. And then he’s in Harry’s arms and that’s okay too.
“You awake?” Harry whispers as Louis flutters his eyes open.
“I am now.” Louis replies, blinking over at him in the morning light, words slow in the groggy air “You been awake long?”
“No,” Harry answers, voice raspy like he’s speaking with clouds in his throat.
“My hair’s a mess.” Louis says, reaching up lazily to pull the tangled bits away from his face. A yawn stretches his mouth open and he ducks his head against Harry’s shoulder. His brain is molasses but he doesn’t mind at all, not when Harry is close and warm and his. “Still tired.”
“You need a hair cut.” Harry says, holding him in the morning light. Louis likes the way the morning ebbs and flows like calm water, lazy and smooth and not quite making the leap to something larger.
“Probly.” Louis mumbles, even though staying here sounds like a perfectly alright option. He shifts closer to Harry, barely holding in a gasp when his half hard cock brushes against Harry’s thigh. That’s new. That’s definitely new.
“Um...?” Begins Harry slowly, and Louis buries his face deeper into Harry’s shoulder.
“Really wish this wasn’t happening.” Louis mumbles, suddenly much more awake and wishing that he wasn’t.
“It’s normal.” Harry begins, and Louis would laugh at how high pitched and panicked Harry’s voice sounds if he didn’t have other issues to deal with.
“This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to me probably ever.” Louis says.
“It’s normal, I’m serious.” Harry says, sounding like he’s trying not to laugh and doing a terrible job. “Am I going to have to give you a sex ed lesson?”
“If this is you coming on to me it’s the least sexy thing I’ve ever experienced.” Louis says, his head still buried in Harry’s shoulder. “I’m not like, I know kinda what goes on- STOP LAUGHING.”
Harry tries his best to keep his giggling under control and mostly fails. Louis is torn between wanting to kiss and hit him. “We’re going to wake up Niall and B.”
“Well maybe if you stopped laughing.” Louis snips at him, trying to keep a grin off his face. “I’m not totally clueless, I was a human boy until age twelve, thanks.”
“I didn’t say you were clueless.” Harry says lightly, kissing Louis on the top of the head.
“Well I’m not.” Louis says with all the sass he can muster, even though he’s swimming in water deeper than he’s used to. He feels younger than he is, nervous and jumpy and too eager to please. He just wants to be good at this.
“Have you ever like, come before?” Harry asks gently, his cheeks going as pink as Louis is sure his are. Harry’s embarrassment doesn’t seem to be helping his problem go away and the intensity of his stare might just be making it worse.
Louis shakes his head as imperceptibly as he can, self conscious even though he wishes he wasn’t.
“Oh.” Harry says quietly, sucking in an uneven breath. “Do you... do you want to?”
Louis is briefly worried that his new human lungs have decided to take a vacation. “Yeah.” He mumbles.
“Here I-” It does make him feel at least marginally better that Harry looks just as overwhelmed as he feels. “Just like, touch yourself.”
“Could have figured that bit out myself.” Louis says, but he slips a hand down his pants anyway, wrapping his fingers around his cock.
“Sit up maybe?” Harry says tentatively, watching as Louis scoots himself up into a sitting position against the pillows, bending his knees and stroking himself slowly underneath his boxers. It’s a new feeling but not a bad one, the way his stomach muscles clench and his breathing catches.
“Get your fingers wet.” Harry says breathlessly, his eyes trained on Louis. Harry makes an aborted movement toward his lips with his hand and Louis nods, slipping his hand out of his boxers and licking up his palm. “I have lotion too, shit give me a-”
“It’s fine.” Louis says quietly, the huskiness in his tone surprising him.
“You can go a bit faster if you want.” Harry says. “It’s better if you do.”
Louis nods, speeding up the motion and whimpering at the way pleasure spikes through him, speeding up to chase the feeling. He can feel his eyes trying to slip shut but he keeps them open so he doesn’t miss the way Harry’s looking at him, eyes intense.
He rocks his hips to try and get more friction, biting his lip and focusing on pumping himself faster. It’s almost too much too handle, everything so new and potent. He runs his other hand over his ribs, down to the dip of his stomach and letting it rest there like he’s trying to hold himself in.
Everything is slowing around him and he knows how he must look, mouth open and eyes squeezing shut as he loses control. The bed creaks underneath his movements, the jerk of his hips speeding up as he gasps for air. His whole body feels tingly and warm, just moments from spinning out of control.
He runs his free hand across his chest, stifling a cry when he brushes his fingers against one of his nipples.
“Quiet, babe.” Harry murmurs, and Louis lets out a whine at the way his voice sounds, soft and low.
He doesn’t know if he’s capable of forming words anymore so he doesn’t try, just curls his body over and rocks harder into his hand, trying to heave enough air into his lungs.
He pushes his boxers down his thighs with a frantic hand, huffing at the brush of the air. He doesn’t know if he’s being quiet anymore, his senses are starting to swim, swallowing him up in the feeling as he gets closer and closer to what he wants.
His orgasm seems to build forever, curling up in his thighs and down to his toes, making him spasm forward and fight to keep his rhythm going. He moans high in throat when it finally washes over him, four quick bursts of breath as he works himself through it, tipping his head back.
He slumps back against the bedframe once it’s over, his heartbeat pumping through his entire body, oxygen almost out of reach. “Shit.” He says quietly, staring down at his come streaked hand and bedsheets, too sated to be embarrassed. “Holy shit I- oh my god. Shit.” Harry laughs, but it’s warm and Louis looks down at him with a crooked smile. “I did it.”
“You’re amazing.” Harry says, giving him a quick little clap. “Do you mind if I...?” He makes a vague wanking gesture and Louis grins, sliding back down under the covers, grimacing when he accidentally brushes the wet place.
“Not at all.” Louis says, blinking over at him in the morning light as he collects himself. “I could help?”
Harry smiles just as bright as the sun rising outside, scooting close to press a slow kiss to Louis’ lips.
“You have morning breath.” Louis says when they part, nudging his nose back up against Harry’s. He feels warm inside still, his body slow and pliant like he’s underwater, like the waves are carrying him somewhere safe.
“Yum.” Harry says, and then kisses him again. “So do you.”
“Well then stop kissing me.” Louis says, wrapping a hand around the back of Harry’s neck and pulling him in. They haven’t kissed properly since Louis became human, haven’t really had a moment to just float together like they usually do between all the hectic buzz of the daytime. It’s all so different now but Harry’s lips still feel the same on his, they just don’t have to take breaks to breathe.
Louis reaches down with his hand, feeling down Harry’s stomach until he can push his fingers under his waistband. His hand is slick with spit and come and he strokes Harry just like he had himself. “This is okay, right?”
Harry nods, pressing close to him and sliding an arm around Louis’ waist, a low groan rumbling in his throat. “Always wanted this.”
“I just wanted to touch you.” Louis says, pushing one of his hands up into Harry’s curls. He doesn’t really mind not having a tail when he can wrap a leg around the back of Harry’s knee and pull him closer. They’re nearly mirrors when they’re both in the water, waves brushing over their lips, but it’s even better now that they’re matching warm bodies underneath the sheets. “You’re so gorgeous, I feel like I could look at you for days.”
Harry looks up at him with bright eyes, thrusting into Louis’ hand as he runs his hands across the small of Louis’ back and over his ass. He moans, eyes going shut when Louis twists his hand, and Louis presses a few quick kisses to his jawline. “Quiet, quiet.”
Harry huffs out a breath against his shoulder. “Trying.”
Louis smiles, speeding up his strokes to try and match Harry’s pace. Harry reaches a hand down to help him, their fingers tangling for a few moments before his body goes still, his orgasm shuddering through him. Louis wants to catch the small sounds that leave Harry’s mouth with his lips, and kisses him as soon as his eyes come back open.
“You look beautiful when you do that.” Louis says, reaching his hand up to stroke Harry’s warm cheeks, grinning wickedly at the streak of comes he leaves.
“You too.” Harry says, kissing Louis like an addict.
“That was awesome, for the record.” Louis says when they finally break apart for air.
“Yes.” Harry mumbles, pressing kisses over the red marks on Louis’ neck. “The best.”
“We should get up, shower maybe?” Louis says, running his fingers over Harry’s arms, just to touch him. “M’sticky.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Harry says, but he stays where he is.
“Move, you big lump.” Louis mumbles with a laugh, pushing halfheartedly at him even as Harry hugs him closer. Somehow, they still don’t end up moving until Barbara bangs on their door demanding that Harry make blueberry pancakes.
xx
Louis tries to write at the kitchen table that afternoon, a pen and a notebook in front of him like he’s in grade school. Harry has pulled his chair next to him and is nursing a cup of coffee in a bright green mug, watching him twirl the pen in his fingers.
“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.” Harry says, blowing at the steam and taking a tentative sip. “You learned before, it’s easier the second time.”
Louis makes a frustrated noise at him, tapping the pen on Harry’s forearm to punctuate it. “I’m just nervous. I’m trying to remember all the letters.”
Niall and B are watching some comedy in their room and the laugh track travels through the house, undercutting the sound of traffic coming from outside. If he listens harder he can hear someone talking next door, a door slamming, Niall laughing. He’s used to the rippling of the lake and he almost wants to turn on the faucet just to hear water.
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
He looks up at Harry, making a face at him when he catches the worry in his eyes. Louis positions the pen over the paper and pretends like everything isn’t freaking him out. He can be human again, he just has to keep reminding himself of that. “Of course I do.”
Harry just takes another sip of coffee as Louis starts to form his first letter, biting down hard on his lip as the pen nearly slips, old movements so hard to pull back into his consciousness. He presses down hard on the paper and focuses on forming the lines and loops, giving up on staying in the lines after the third letter. He doesn’t let out the breath he’s been holding until he’s formed the S, setting the pen down and stretching out his fingers.
“That could have gone worse.” He says quietly, staring down at his name in childish scrawl. It feels separate from him, like he couldn’t have been the person to put those words to paper.
“It’s not too bad, really.” Harry says appraisingly, nudging Louis’ foot with his own. “Niall’s handwriting really isn’t much better.”
Louis rolls his eyes. “Appreciate the thought, but it’s pretty rubbish.”
“You can only improve from here.” Harry says. “And you’ve already got all the letters which is for sure half the battle. I’d give it a solid 7 out of ten.”
“That’s honestly not bad.” Louis agrees, looking down at his chicken scratch letters. They exist, and that’s better than yesterday.
Harry steals his notepad, writing ‘thinks Harry is really cute’ under his name is messy blue scrawl.
“Very nice.” Louis tells him, taking it back to draw a shaky heart the best his can.
It earns him a grin, and that means it’s worth it.
xx
The next night Louis can’t sleep. It’s not that he isn’t tired, being a human and walking around makes him feel exhausted deep inside his bones, but he’s starting to feel a thrumming kind of fear deep in his gut.
Harry has been asleep next to him for minutes, maybe hours, now. There’s no clock in the room and all the time is washing together like the pat of the rain outside. Louis used to love rainstorms, loved how the rain washed the air clean and made the water run high. He still loves them, but the patter of droplets don’t feel like little heartbeats anymore.
Louis slides out of bed as quietly as he can, grimacing when the floorboards squeak under his feet. He mentally shushes them, holding onto the walls for stability as he makes his way down the hall and into the kitchen, staring at the front door like it’ll tell him what to do.
He stands there long enough that the rain starts to pick up, one of those rare summer storms that make bloated gutters in the streets and drum melodies on the roof. Louis was scared of thunderstorms when he was little, used to hide under the table when the thunder cracked. He remembers his first thunderstorm in the pond, when Rebecca stroked his hair and told him there was nothing to be afraid of.
He walks barefoot towards the door, twisting the doorknob slowly open and standing in the threshold as the puddles grow under his watchful gaze. Something about the rain calls him out, water calling him home, and he wants to press his ear to the ground and have it tell him secrets.
He pushes open the screen door and steps out onto the old cracked stoop, warm water gathering around his toes and splashing on his downy hair. He eases the door shut and steps out into the darkness, only lit up by the lonely porch lights of their neighbors.
He sits down on the edge of the concrete, dragging his feet through one of the puddles and wonders what he’ll turn into this time around. This time he thinks he’ll just dissolve right into the water, that it won’t save him and cradle him first. This time he’d drown for real.
His hair is starting to get damp and he shivers even though it’s warm, frowning at the water creeping onto his (Harry’s) boxers and the raindrops falling on his legs. He doesn’t ever want to drown again and he thinks the rain knows it.
He gets up slowly, stepping to slosh his feet through one of the puddles before easing back into the house, closing the door with a low snap behind him. He wipes his feet off the best he can on the rug in the half dark and walks slowly back to Harry’s room, shucking off his boxers and the tee shirt in the corner before climbing back under the covers.
Harry shifts when he comes back, blinking sleepily over at him like he’s not sure if what he’s seeing is a dream or not. “Lou?”
“Went to see the rain.” Louis explains quietly, dropping a kiss to his forehead. “Go back to sleep.”
Harry pulls him in close with a soft noise of assent. Louis tucks himself into Harry’s body and this time he falls asleep.
xx
Louis discovers cell phones on the car ride to the new apartment.
They’d spent the morning packing Harry’s suitcases in a rush, hurrying Louis to a hair salon to cut his hair into something presentable, and then speeding through goodbyes with Niall and B who both ended up crying like old biddies for no real reason.
“They are allowed to visit, aren’t they?” Louis asks from the passenger seat of Harry’s car, wearing one of Harry’s smaller band tees and fussing with his brand new fringe in the tiny mirror. “It’s not like permanent separation.”
“Niall gets emotional about random things and Barbara’s an empathy crier.” Supplies Harry, digging for something in his back pocket.
“Why am I not surprised.” Louis says, pushing his hair up in some approximation of a mohawk. “Do you think I could spike this?”
“Probably.” Harry says, glancing over at him and holding out a small metallic brick. “Could you text Zayn for me?”
“Could I what?” Louis asks, intercepting the brick with careful fingers. “Why are you handing me this?”
Harry gives him a longer glance that only ends because Louis punches him and tells him to look at the road please and thank you.
“It’s a cell phone. You like, can call people and send them messages.” Harry says uncertainly. “This is the strangest conversation I’ve had in a long time.”
“You and me both, mate.” Louis says, tentatively pressing the center button and grinning when the screen lights up. “Is this a picture of macaroni?”
“Yes, I like macaroni.” Harry says defensively. “Do you think you can figure out how to send Zayn a message or do I need to pull over?”
“I definitely got this.” Louis says, even though he has mostly no idea what he’s doing. “Sll-iiide tooo un-lock. Yeah okay, I can do that. Nice, good, that went well.”
“Are you narrating what you’re doing?” Harry asks, looking like he’s trying to decide between a smile and an eyeroll.
“Yes. Oooh messages that looks like the right thing.” Louis says instead of answering. “Is this like, a thing? Does everyone have these?”
“Yes.” Harry says. “At least most people.”
“What do I do now?” Louis asks, examining the screen for any clues. He can’t read as well as he used to be able to, everything moving a little bit slow in his brain. He’s been trying not to panic about it, but it’s not really the best.
“Press the little page icon. Top left. Then type Zayn into the To box, and then ‘I’m bringing someone, we might be late.’” Harry says, flicking his eyes over to Louis to make sure he’s getting everything. Louis pokes at the tiny letters with his fingers, grimacing when he pushes two letters by mistake. It takes him far longer than it probably should, but finally he gets the message typed.
Harry 12:45
We’re on our way might be a little late
“And then hit send?”
“And then hit send.”
Louis does, feeling more than a little bit pleased with himself.
xx
“So is he going to be staying with us?” Zayn asks from his spot by the sink, his eyes meeting Louis’. “I mean, it’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting two people.”
“There was a change of plans.” Harry says, shuffling his feet in the afternoon light falling from the grubby window above the sink. “He needed a place to stay, I hoped it would be alright.”
“Yeah, it’s fine, mate.” Zayn says, and Louis feels like he’s telling the truth even though Harry won’t stop flushing and looking guilty about it. Louis decided the second he walked in the door that he liked Zayn, liked the smell of his cologne, the way he narrowed his eyes at things he didn’t understand, how he moved quietly and smiled when people weren’t watching him.
“I feel so bad, I know this wasn’t the plan when you agreed to this.” Harry says, and Louis wants to roll his eyes at him.
“It’s cool, honestly. You guys can share the room or there’s a pull out couch in the living room.” Zayn says with a shrug. The kitchen is white with black countertops, a red kettle sitting proudly on the burner and an old magnet covered fridge in the corner.
“We’ll share.” Louis says, smiling over at Zayn. “Thanks for being cool about it.”
Zayn nods slowly. He’s the opposite of Niall, all slow movement and quiet energy instead, and Louis likes it a lot. “No problem. You guys cool with spaghetti for supper?”
“I can help cook.” Harry offers quickly. “I used to cook for my old flatmates all the time.”
“I can’t cook but I can sit on counters and mix things.” Louis adds, and Zayn gives them both thumbs ups.
“Sounds good.”
It’s awkward and new and they’re all bumbling around each other, but Louis feels like maybe this could turn into something nice, that they could all make themselves a home here.
xx
The first day Harry goes to work, Louis sits around and watches all the mermaid movies he can find. He watches The Little Mermaid 1 and 2 first, then Aquamarine, and is halfway through Splash when Zayn sits down next to him with a bowl of rice krispies.
“Can I borrow some blanket?”
Louis shifts the quilt so it covers Zayn as well, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“So you like mermaids?” Zayn asks, and Louis shrugs.
“Yeah, they’re cool.” Louis says, because ‘I used to be one’ isn’t something you just say. Being a human is hard; he keeps expecting to wake up back his lake and is continually surprised when he still has legs.
“Used to pretend I was one when I was little.” Zayn says, a wry smile on his face. “I’d like, swim around and hide from pretend sharks and stuff.”
Louis returns his smile, playing along. “What color tail do you think you’d have if you were a mermaid?”
Zayn shrugs, turning to watch the movie. He tucks his socked feet up underneath him and yawns like he’s just woken up, even though it’s the middle of the afternoon. “Maybe like, red? Can mermaids have red tails? I feel like that’d be really sick.”
“I don’t know, they probably can. It’d be cool, wouldn’t be able to hide though.” Louis says, because his green tail used to make it so easy for him to slip under the water and disappear from prying eyes.
“That’s fair.” Zayn says.
“So what do you do?” Louis presses, turning to properly look at him. He’s got a bit of stubble this afternoon, a gray sweater that just barely comes down to his wrists.
“I do art mostly. I sing too, that’s my real job, mostly backup vocals for different people.” He says. “I sang backup for Beyonce once, probably the coolest thing I’ve ever done.”
Louis doesn’t know who Beyonce is, but he nods along anyway. He wishes he didn’t feel like he was always trying to get up to speed. “What kind of art?”
“I used to do some ceramics, but mostly painting now, graffiti and stuff on canvas.” Zayn says, a soft grin alighting on his face. “Most of the mugs in the kitchen are my stuff.”
Louis points over to the pale blue mug sitting on the coffee table. “You made that?”
Zayn nods, his face all quiet happiness. “Yeah, couple years ago now.”
“Well it’s nice.” Louis says decidedly.
They watch the rest of the movie together.
xx
“You just type stuff into the search bar and it’ll bring up related websites and pictures.” Harry tells him, his laptop whirring happily on Louis’ legs.
“Like, questions?” Louis asks, resting his fingers on the keyboard. Typing feels unnatural to him, his fingers pecking at the keys even as Harry bangs out sentences faster than he can register.
“Yeah.” Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder as he pokes out his first question.
what will the weather be like tomorrow
“Then press enter.” Harry supplies, reaching around Louis to hit the button. The screen flashes and then a weather report appears.
“Chance of showers.” Louis says happily. “That’s super cool. What other stuff does it do?”
“You can search like, grape, and it’ll bring up grape pictures.” Harry says after a moment, a laugh in his voice. Louis knows this is a little bit silly, that apparently everyone uses the internet now, but he’s starting to get used to being a little out of his depth.
Louis types ‘pineapple’ into the search bar instead, and then watches as Harry redirects to images, where rows of pineapple pictures pop up. “The internet is weird as hell.” Louis says, narrowing his eyes at a particularly creepy cartoon pineapple.
“The fact that you don’t know what the internet is, is weird as hell.” Harry says with a laugh Louis can feel vibrating through his body. “Although I mean I guess the internet is also weird as hell.”
“Can I search myself?” Louis asks, his finger hovering over the L key.
“Not sure if that’s the best idea.” Harry says cautiously, brushing his fingers over Louis’ arm like a warning.
Louis slowly types out his name, pressing the enter key before he can think better of it. The news articles that show up make his stomach turn.
Local Boy Missing on Family Trip to Lake
The Search Continues For Missing Boy, Believed To Have Drowned
Doncaster Boy Missing From Lake Trip
“Lou.” Harry says quietly. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“How do I close it?” Louis asks quietly, letting Harry slide the laptop off his lap and click the window shut.
“I’m sorry.” Harry says quietly.
“I’m the one who searched it.” Louis says, running a hand through his newly short hair. “Not your fault.”
“Still sorry about it.”
Louis twists around to press a kiss to Harry’s hair “Me too.” He leans into Harry’s shoulder, breathing him in and trying to shake the shudder out of his bones. “I forget that everything is so weird sometimes. I feel like that boy was someone else.”
“I feel like I stole you.” Harry says, holding him more tightly. Louis likes the way they fit together, how he seems to melt right into the place in Harry’s arms.
“It was a team effort.” Louis assures him, covering Harry’s hands with his and tangling their fingers up. “Besides, the lake stole me first, you just stole me back.”
“I guess so.” Harry says, kissing Louis’ temple.
“Thank you, by the way.” Louis tells him quietly.
“For?” Harry asks, a hint of cheekiness in his voice like he just wants Louis to say the words.
“The stealing.”
Harry shifts so he can press his lips to Louis, hand cupping his jaw. “My pleasure.”
xx
That weekend, Harry and Zayn take Louis out shopping. They take turns carrying Louis around the city on their backs when his new human legs get too tired and Zayn turns out to be unexpectedly full of historical facts.
“Did you know the London Eye’s 135 meters tall?” Zayn asks, using one hand to hold Louis up and the other hand to point. “They built it in 1998.”
“Yeah, I don’t remember it all.” Louis says absently.
“Hmm?”
“Like, as a kid.” Louis says weakly, glad when Zayn drops it and moves on to the next fact. He shares a glance with Harry, making a face at his blunder. Fish out of water has never seemed so apt. “So how do you know all this stuff?”
“I do odd jobs sometimes, I was a tour guide for a while.” Zayn takes, hiking Louis up as he slips low on Zayn’s narrow hips.
“What’s your favorite dumb tourist attraction?” Harry asks, Louis bags swinging in his hands.
“I like the tube.” Zayn says, spinning Louis in a slow circle as they wait for the traffic signal. “Don’t know if that really counts as a tourist attraction, but I like it. It’s like being inside the veins of the city, which I guess is kinda lame, but I’ve always liked it.”
“I think it’s cool.” Louis assures him, extricating one hand to muss up his hair.
“I’d say pretentious but in a good way.” Harry teases, knocking the shopping bags against Zayn’s knee.
“Did you guys know they used to use the stations as air raid shelters during World War Two?” Zayn says instead of denying it, narrowing his eyes at the overcast sky. “I think I just felt rain.”
“Me too.” Louis adds, grinning up at the heavy clouds. “Rain’s nice.”
“It’s my hair’s least favorite.” Harry says, trying to hide underneath one of the bags.
“Your hair looks just fine wet.” Louis says, steering Zayn closer to Harry to he can ruffle his hair. Louis’ thinks that hair ruffling might be his new favorite activity, he likes the way it makes Zayn smile-squint and Harry squawk and ruffle Louis’ hair right back.
“But wet hair is cold hair.” Harry complains, as a few more droplets stain the concrete. “And you’ll get all your nice new clothes soaked if it rains any harder.”
“They’ll dry.” Louis says, tapping Zayn on the shoulder. “Let me down please?” He slides off Zayn’s hips, taking a few unsteady steps towards Harry and kissing him quick on the lips. “A little rain never killed anyone.”
“You’re a pain.” Harry says, taking his hand and kissing him on the top of the head. “I fully expect first shower when we finally get back.”
“Only if you let me in too.” Louis says cheerfully, making a face when Zayn pretends to gag.
“Come on you two, lets get out of the rain. Didn’t wear my wellies today.” Zayn says, pointing at the station up ahead.
“You have wellies?” Louis asks in amusement, his stride steadying with every step.
“They’re blue and have little whales on them.” Zayn says shamelessly as they duck inside.
“Lou and I could buy a pair and then we’d all match.” Harry adds as they walk into the rush of commuters and tourists. Accented english and the twang and slide of foreign languages echo around him, and Louis is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of life there is down here, echoing off the walls and thrumming under the concrete.
He’d been swimming for so long he nearly forgot the best part of being human; that it means never truly being alone.
Veins of the city.
The rain pounds the street and underneath the ground all their hearts stay safe and dry.
xx
Louis likes the big armchair in the center of the living room, likes pulling a blanket into his lap and tapping around on Harry’s laptop while he’s at work. Wikipedia is his new best friend, and even though reading makes his brain ache after a while, he likes knowing he’s starting to catch back up to where he’s supposed to be. He felt so slow at first, words dragging and hitching when he tried to read them, but it’s easier now, everything coming back to him in fits and starts.
Today, he ends up looking at the pictures Harry took of him. He doesn’t mean to, but one second he’s laughing at photos of Harry dressed up as Miley and the next he’s staring at himself half submerged in the pond, skin washed green and gills fluttering on his neck.
He leans in closer, hoping to find some sort of recognition in his gray blue eyes.
“What’re you looking at?” Zayn asks from behind him, leaning down to look at the screen before Louis can close the window or slam it shut.
Louis tries to keep his pulse steady, hoping he can play it off somehow, wondering how he could have been so careless. “Just pictures.”
Zayn leans down to get a better look. “Did you shop these? They’re sick.” He says enthusiastically. “They honestly look real.”
“Sorry?” Louis asks, wishing his voice wasn’t so thin.
“Like, photoshop? Edit? Was it Harry?” He asks, peering harder at them. “I knew you liked mermaids but that’s so legit.”
“Yeah.” Louis says, staring at his scales and his watery hands and feels dizzy. He thinks Zayn might be okay with it, might even think it’s cool, but even thinking of telling him makes his throat close up.
“I don’t think it’s weird.” Zayn says slowly, registering Louis’ discomfort even thought Louis knows he can’t know the reason for it. “I did a whole series of paintings where I gave myself lion characteristics. I think it’s cool, it’s art.”
Louis nods, trying on a smile. “It’s just not something I usually show to people.”
“No, I get that.” Zayn says, leaning in further. “You even gave yourself gills. I love it.”
“Can I see your pictures?” Louis asks, closing the screen before Zayn can look any closer. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do if Zayn brings it up again, doesn’t know how long he can lie. “The lion ones?”
Zayn shrugs, a pleased smile on his lips. “If you’re sure you want to, they’re kinda old.”
Louis nods, sliding the computer off of his lap and following Zayn back into his room, the bottoms of Harry’s sweatpants dragging on the floor. He wears his new clothes, but he likes how Harry’s clothes smell like him.
“Sorry, I haven’t tidied in ages.” Zayn says, kicking a pair of pants in the direction of the hamper.
“No judgement.” Louis says, flopping down on Zayn’s bed. “Harry told me I remind him of a tornado.”
“I could see that.” Zayn says, dragging open a file cabinet and pulling out a sketchpad. Zayn’s walls are covered by doodles and pictures tacked up in a parody of order, the lamp in the corner lighting everything up in pale white, and Louis likes how the walls hold so much of Zayn on them. The room he shares with Harry isn’t bare; there’s a print of a sunset hanging up across from the bed and Louis leaves his clothes all over the floor, but they don’t quite fill it yet.
Zayn sinks down onto the blanket next to him, flipping the notebook open and setting it on Louis’ lap. “They’re kinda lame, but I still really like them.” He says, a rueful little smile on his face.
“They’re wicked.” Louis says, flipping from one that’s Zayn’s face with whiskers to one where the only human thing is his eyes, big and brown and warm. “If you could turn into a lion, would you?”
Zayn shakes his head. “Lions don’t eat ice cream, and that sounds kinda shit to me.”
“So ice cream is the only thing keeping you human then?” Louis asks him, looking up from a picture to give him a look.
“Can you think of anything better?” Zayn returns, giving him a look to match.
Louis shrugs, thinks of being seven and eating ice cream on his front porch with his sisters, of being eleven and sneaking a whole tub of strawberry up to his room with his old best friend.
“No, not really.”
xx
“Do I need to go to school?” Louis asks as they sit in the park on their brand new picnic blanket, running his finger up and down the spine of the novel propped open in his hands.
Harry looks up from his own book, surprise on his face. “I hadn’t really thought about it. I don’t know what kind of school we’d put you in.”
Louis shrugs, sliding down so his chin is resting on the blanket, a yawn stretching his mouth as he rolls over, soft and sleepy like a cat. “Me neither. I was just thinking that I never graduated. I should get my high school diploma maybe.”
Harry doesn’t say anything and Louis almost regrets bringing it up. He doesn’t even know why he keeps thinking about it; he hated school when he was in it, and doesn’t think he’d like it any more the second time around. Still, he can’t shake the feeling that he’s left something unfinished.
“We can look online for something.” Harry says, sitting up and crossing his legs. “I didn’t know you wanted to go to school.”
Louis shrugs, laying his book on his chest and squinting up at Harry, his hair haloed by the sunlight. “I just thought of it.”
“I mean, I’m sure there are online programs out there you can do.” Harry offers, picking Louis’ hand up and playing with his fingers. “Why do you want to do it?”
Louis closes his eyes, tries to find the words to explain. It’s been a strange transition from his old life, trying to figure out how to do all the things he needs to do, remembering what goes where. He’s relearning how to walk and write and he’s relearning how much milk to put in his cereal and how to make the bed and what kinds of things are recyclable. “I want to be more human.”
He feels Harry’s lips brush his forehead and smiles up at him, catching him by the arm and pulling him down so they’re curled together. “You are human. There isn’t like, a list of things you have to do that make you a human. You just are one.”
“Seems that way for you, doesn’t it?” Louis says wryly, blinking over at Harry in the waning afternoon sunlight. “I know you don’t mind me relying on you but I want to be able to stand on my own too.”
“Don’t you need like, papers or something? Like your birth certificate and stuff to enroll?” Harry asks, worry on his brow.
“Probably.” Louis sighs from deep inside his chest. “I think I have to go back and see my parents again.”
Harry lips curl into a sad little pout and Louis could almost laugh at how silly he looks. “Are you sure?”
“I don’t have a choice,” Louis says simply. “And besides, this way there’s no wondering.”
Harry kisses his cheek, adjusting so Louis is half on his chest. It really shouldn’t be comfortable but Louis doesn’t really mind as long as he gets to be close to him. “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing.” He says quietly.
“I don’t think I could do what you do.” Louis says, remembering the night Harry came to the lake fragile and shaking, and thinks that maybe no one knows how much they’re really capable of. It’s comforting somehow, knowing that he could have that sort of power inside him, that maybe he can do all of this even though sometimes it feels impossible.
“You could.” Harry says with a quiet kind of confidence, like doubting it never crossed his mind. “You could do whatever you wanted to, probably.”
“Thanks.” Louis says, and it’s somehow adequate. It’s thanks for believing in me and thanks for being there and thanks for pulling me out of the water.
xx
Louis gets his first tattoo on a saturday afternoon that holds the first whispers of fall. Harry tells him it’s an early birthday present, even though his birthday is in December and Harry spoils him far too much. They make a date out of it, stopping for fro yo and wandering into the parlor with their mouths sticky sweet with raspberry and lemon.
Louis printed out the design he wanted the night before, feeling more than a little bit proud of himself for being able to operate the google. (Harry always giggles when he calls it that, which means he’ll do it until Harry stops thinking it’s funny.) He unfolds it for the tattoo artist, a dark skinned girl named Mia with hair Louis wants to touch more than anything, feeling almost self conscious about the coil of rope printed on the page.
“Around my wrist.” Louis says, tapping the skin and sneaking a glance at Harry even as he tries to be cool about it.
She smiles over at him, all bright white teeth. “Very cute. Is it your first?”
He nods, feeling his eyes crinkle up as his stomach does happy flips. The fact that she’s a little bit taller than him is simultaneously comforting and makes him want to go up on his tip toes. “Do you think it’ll look good?”
She nods, leading him through the parlor to a station in the back. “Definitely.”
“It’s not that painful, is it?” He asks, sitting down and looking apprehensively at the gun. He told himself the entire morning he wouldn’t be nervous, that Harry had survived his anchor, but as he stares down at the machine, cowering starts to seem like a good idea.
“No. Besides, you look strong.” She says, with a wink in his direction that only serves to make him blush bright pink.
“I’ll be right here. You can squeeze my hand, it helps.” Harry says from behind him. Louis sticks his hand out to be held before Harry can even finish the sentence.
“Is there any meaning behind it or do you just like the design?” Mia asks, fiddling around with the various implements and tearing open little plastic packages of sterilized equipment as Louis tries to steady his breathing. He thinks she might be talking just to distract him from his nerves, and he has to admit it’s working at least a little.
“It’s sort of a physical reminder of how important it is to tie yourself to things, to hold on to what’s important to you and like, hold onto yourself.” Louis says, blushing a little harder when he says it. “It’s a little silly, I just like nautical tattoos because I spent a lot of time in a lake?” He wets his chapped lips, tacking on “As a kid,” on the end like it’s less weird that way.
She smiles, little dimples appearing next to her mouth just like Harry’s. “That’s lovely. I think nautical tattoos are so classic, I have a fish on my thigh actually.”
Louis gives her a tentative smile back, squeezing Harry’s hand as she tidies up her station, gives her hands a quick wash and returns to shave smooth the tiny hairs by his wrist.
“Plus you’ll match him.” She says, nodding over at Harry with a mischievous glint in her eye. “Anchors and ropes traditionally go together.”
Louis shrugs, careful not to jostle his wrist. “I guess it’s kinda a couple tattoo as well.”
“Cute.” She says, disinfecting the area with practiced fingers. She turns the machine on and Louis is suddenly reminded of being at the dentist, with its buzzing drill, sterilized metal instruments, and a low grumble of nerves in his stomach.
“I feel like I’m about to get my teeth cleaned.” He says, trying to lighten the pit in his chest. “But like, with needles.”
Harry laughs, squeezing his hand and pressing a kiss to the back of his palm. His lips linger like he knows Louis is feeling a little panicky and there’s something calming in how attuned they’ve become to each other. “You can always get something on the inside of your bottom lip. That’s very in right now.”
Louis makes a face at him. “It is not.”
“It is too.” Harry says smugly. “Miley got one.”
“God knows Miley is my life inspiration.” Louis says, because Niall has been sending him videos of ‘need to know pop culture ICONS!!!!’ for the last week and a half and he’s watched far more Miley videos than he probably really needed. “I just don’t know why she had to lick the hammer. The ball part was fine I guess, I just didn’t understand the hammer.”
Harry laughs. “You’re more a Britney fan, I forgot.”
“I’ll get toxic tattooed on my inner lip, don’t think I won’t.” Louis says calmly, singing it under his breath as Mia sits back down.
“You ready to start?” She asks, brandishing the needle as the machine hums. “Most people feel a pinching sensation, kinda like a bee sting.”
Louis nods, holding Harry’s hand so tightly his knuckles have gone white. “Alright, no point to waiting any longer I guess.”
She nods, leaning over to press the needle to his skin and Louis gasps at the first contact, squeezing his eyes shut at the sensation. It feels like a sunburn all in one place and it doesn’t hurt so much as make him want to wiggle around. He makes a face, keeping his vice grip on Harry’s hand.
“You doing alright?” Mia asks, her hand steady as she guides the needle slowly through the outline.
“Yep.” He says weakly, laughing at himself. “Feel a bit like a baby.”
“Almost passed out when I got my first one.” Mia says, and Louis can’t imagine how she managed to sit through all the ink on her body. She has vines spiraling up her dark skin and a pretty flower near her collar bone, and getting this rope is feeling a little bit like an olympic event. “It’s scary the first time, the rest aren’t as bad.”
“Getting tattoos makes me feel really keyed up.” Harry says, and Louis tries to focus on the familiar cadence of his voice in order to relax, steady and low, washing over him like the waves. “The first one I got was my star, and I think I freaked Niall out because my cheeks were as pink as his.”
“Poor Niall.” Louis says, gritting his teeth as she passes closer to the hard bone of his wrist. “I feel like I’m gonna jump out of my skin a little bit.”
Harry laughs, squeezing his fingers. “That only gets worse.”
Louis grimaces, trying to focus on the sting of the needle and Harry’s warm presence beside him. “Just keep saying nonsense to me. It’s nice to focus on.”
Harry laughs and Louis doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of the way Harry always seems surprised by his own laughter. “Did I ever tell you about the time I met a mermaid in the lake outside my house?”
Louis fights the urge to roll his eyes and ends up giggling instead. “Don’t think I’ve heard that one, sounds a little unrealistic.”
“Well I was visiting the lake, like you do, and I’m playing with these minnows when I look up and see a face sticking out of the water, just blue eyes and dark hair. And I initially think it’s just some boy playing around, until he turns and swims away from me and I see a tail.” Harry says very seriously, with the even rhythm of someone telling a bedtime story. Louis feels the sharp nostalgic pang from memories of crowding into one bed with his little sisters and reading from their picture books.
“What color was the tail?” Mia asks, a sly smile on her face like she fully intends to play along.
“Light green.” Harry says easily. “Nearly blended into the water.”
“You sure it wasn’t a trick of the light?” She asks, and Louis likes that even though she thinks they’re kidding she has a sparkle in her eye like she’d love to believe it.
“Definitely not.” Harry says, and Louis gives his hand a hard squeeze as the stinging spikes, prompting harry to drop a kiss to his knuckles. “I went back a few days later to find him and he came to see me.”
“Mermaids probably get bored in ponds.” Louis says. “I bet he just wanted some company.”
“You guys are too cute.” Mia says, pausing to give them a conspiratorial look. “How long have you been together?”
“Since this summer.” Louis says, wondering briefly if he’ll ever stop blushing. “We’ve been friends since late spring.”
“I think the official date would be July 13th. That was when we first kissed.” Harry says quietly, and Louis looks over at him in surprise.
“Didn’t know you kept track.”
Harry shrugs, and Louis wants to pause the tattoo so he can just kiss him for a few hours.
Mia awws and Louis feels the same way, can’t seem to keep his eyes off Harry to do anything more than glance at his tattoo. He can’t believe Harry remembered the date, that Louis meant enough to him back then to keep track. “How’d you meet?”
Louis laughs. “In a lake, actually.”
“I was the mermaid.” Harry adds, and Louis bites his lip to keep from grinning like an idiot. He thinks his eyes probably betray him.
“You do talk a lot of shit.” Louis tells him, watching as Mia deepens one of the dark lines.
Harry just grins, and Louis wants to make his cheeks pink up and tackle him to the ground. The buzzing of the machine feels like it’s in his blood and really, this tattoo couldn’t be done sooner.
By the time Mia is finally finished, after his wrist has been wrapped up and Mia’s explained how to take care of it, Louis thinks he might vibrate out of his body, which would be irritating and probably a little bit messy. He loops his arm around Harry’s waist and nods along when she tells him to keep it out of the sun.
“It’s beautiful.” Harry says for the fifteenth time as they stumble down the sunlight dappled street. “It looked so good when she was doing it and it’s going to look great when it heals.”
Louis nods, feeling buoyant, like the air is carrying him like the water used to. He leans into Harry’s body and shoves him to the other side of the sidewalk, laughing high when Harry shoves him back. “Thanks for getting it for me.”
“My pleasure, I’m the only one who gets to kiss it.” Harry says, dimpling cheeks and messy brown hair.
“I can kiss my own wrist.” Louis says, pressing the lightest of kisses against his bandage as Harry laughs, tugging them down the steps to the tube.
Louis feels light and buoyant and like if he could kiss Harry forever, he would. He glances down at the wrapping on his wrist and thinks that might not be as crazy as it seems.
xx
Convincing his mom that he is Not Actually Dead was like scuba diving, where nothing seemed real until he came up spitting and gasping for air.
“I’m sorry, Lou.” Harry says for the fifteenth time, and Louis just nods, salt water dripping down his face.
“I don’t know what I expected.” He says quietly, clutching the arm rest and trying to get air back into his lungs. They got what they came for, all his papers tucked into the backseat, but he doesn’t feel good about any of it. “I still can’t believe they moved. I can’t believe my dad left.”
“It’s not your fault.” Harry says, reaching to take his hand.
“I mean, it probably is.” Louis says, looking back over at the small white house. His sister had answered the door when he’d knocked and hadn’t even recognized him when he’d asked if Johannah was in. He could have grown up in that house, could have watched his sisters grow older. “She had twins, another set and I missed that. I missed everything and it’s all so different now.”
The worst part was that he couldn’t tell her where he’d been, he knew she wouldn’t believe it. He could only repeat that he was sorry, that he hadn’t meant to hurt her.
“I thought it would feel like coming home but it doesn’t.” Louis says finally, thinking of the familiar furniture between different walls. “I don’t feel like I belong there anymore.”
Harry just watches him for a moment, one hand resting on the wheel, and Louis keeps talking, tries to get rid of the poison.
“It’s just hard knowing that everything moved on without me. I wouldn’t have wanted them to live in the past but like, I feel like they aren’t my family anymore.”
“Of course they’re still your family.” Harry says, and Louis can see the way he’s struggling for words, how there’s nothing either of them can say that’ll make this better.
“You didn’t see her face when she saw me. I don’t think I ever convinced her she wasn’t seeing a ghost.” Louis says quietly.
“I should have come in with you.” He says, eyes dark as he stares out the windshield. “I can’t believe I let you go in there alone.”
Louis shrugs, tapping first Harry’s anchor and then his rope. “Wasn’t alone.” He gives a watery smile. “Plus, I don’t think showing up 8 years later with a boyfriend would have made it any less weird.”
“I suppose that’s fair,” Harry admits, giving Louis a tentative smile. “You going to be okay?”
Louis shrugs. “Yeah.” For a long time, the illusion of his childhood was the only thing he had, but he has more than that now, more than a pail full of pieces of the old world or stale memories. “Can we go home now?”
Harry nods, turning on the car and buckling his seatbelt, still not letting go of Louis’ hand. “Do you think you’ll ever go back?”
Louis shakes his head, glancing back at the small white house. “I don’t want to. It’s probably better if I don’t. They have new lives now and so do I.”
“It was brave of you to go back.” Harry says, flicking his eyes over to Louis.
“I had to if I wanted to move on with my life.” Louis reminds him, wiping at his eyes because he wants to be done crying over this.
“I’m still proud of you.”
Louis gives him a smile, squeezing his hand. He knows he can never have his old life back, but he likes his new one just as much.
xx
High school is stupid but it makes Louis feel a little bit less stupid, and that’s something.
“World History is kicking my ass.” Louis says, sitting on the kitchen floor as Harry makes some weird pasta dish. “Fuck the mongols.”
“I think the mongols were the ones doing the fucking.” Harry says idly, giving Louis a smile as he dumps the pasta into the water.
“Poor China.” Louis says, slapping his hands sadly against the bottom of Harry’s laptop and adopting a forlorn expression. “Poor Louis.”
Harry laughs, poking him in the knee with a socked foot. Fall is beginning to steep into the air as they fall into the routine of the new apartment, the clutter of cups on the counter and Louis’ new clothing on the floor making it feel more like a home. Zayn is painting something silly in his room but Louis knows once Harry calls dinner he’ll putter out for dinner with colors under his fingernails and a tired smile on his face.
“I’ll quiz you after supper if you want.” Harry says, cutting up the coriander with careful hands. “We’ll fuck the mongols up.”
“Hell yeah.” Louis says, holding his hand up for a high five and laughing when Harry spins down to intercept it. “Pay attention to your pasta, Styles.”
Harry sticks his tongue out at Louis. “Pay attention to your schoolwork.”
The water bubbles and Zayn appears in the doorway to ask when dinner will be ready and it’s as much of a family as Louis has ever needed.
xx
“I feel like I should tell Zayn about being a merman.” Louis says, taking his shoes off so he can dig his feet into the cold sand. Harry has had his flip flops off since before the water was even in view, taking long barefoot strides across the parking lot and onto the empty beach. “But also like I shouldn’t tell Zayn.”
The water laps against the shore and Louis wants to push his hands into it and feel the way it moves. Their lake dates are his favorite, and he hopes that they can still come down in the winter even after the water starts to freeze over, to walk out on the ice and peer into the water below.
“Do you think he knows?” Harry asks, a crinkle in his brow.
“No.” Louis says, leaning back on his elbows and pushing the sand around. Maybe they’ll make a sandcastle later, or run up to the waves and scurry back before their feet can get wet. He can’t decide if he likes that game better when he wins or loses. “I just hate having secrets.”
Their picnic basket is open beside him and Louis pushes the sandwiches aside to nab out the bag of gummy worms, pulling it open with greedy fingers. They taste like sweetness and nostalgia and all the best things about Harry.
“I know. I hate it too.” Harry reaches over to steal a gummy worm, popping it into his mouth and then talking around it. “Do you want to tell him?”
Louis shrugs, looking up at the heavy hanging sky. It’s not the best day for a picnic; the gray washes them both out, turning Harry’s cherry lips dusty rose. “Not really. But it’s weird to have to lie about it and leave stuff out.”
“I know, someone at work asked me how I met you and I forgot how to speak English.” Harry says, leaning his head back to look at the sky, a wry smile on his face. Louis can see the green glint of his eyes that still reminds him so much of the pond. He likes being near to water and he loves being near it when Harry’s there, because it makes him feel real and safe.
“Just say we met at the beach. It’s not a lie.” Louis says, even though it’s still leaving things out. He wishes he was normal, that he met Harry as they both walked through the reeds to catch minnows, that they had their first date at a movie theater and then Harry kissed him chastely on the lips under his orange porch light.
“It was summer and you were sunbathing in your green swim trunks.” Harry elaborates. “And I walked up to you and asked if you wanted a gummy worm.”
“And I said yes, because I’d been checking you out the whole time.” Louis adds. “So you sat down next to me and tried to seduce me with cheesy pick up lines and made up holidays.”
“I don’t think the made up holidays part makes sense out of context.” Harry says, but he’s grinning, his hair sticking every which way like it got too excited to stay tucked into his bandana.
“We’ll let them wonder.” Louis says, scooting closer to rest his head on Harry’s shoulder. “I guess it’s like, what really happened is just ours, it isn’t for anyone else to know.”
“I like that.” Harry says, reaching back to let his hand fall over Louis’. “Why’d you let me see you?”
“Why’d you come back?” Louis counters.
“Not sure.” Harry says slowly, even for him. “I didn’t even know if you were real but I had a good feeling about you.”
Louis smiles at the quiet lake and the autumn leaves hanging from the trees. “Same.”
Harry’s eyes crinkle when he grins, and that’s always Louis’ favorite part of his smiles. He likes in the mornings how the first thing Harry does is smile like that, eyes nearly going back shut as he presses morning kisses to Louis’ lips.
“I still have a good feeling about you. Quite a few good feelings, actually.” Harry says with a blush, and Louis thinks for the millionth time that Harry should have been a poet for as many times as his words make Louis’ breath catch. He might be biased.
“Likewise.” Louis shoots back, sappy and soft as the waves lap up against the shore. “I don’t think I could have become human without you.”
Harry shrugs, and the movement jostles Louis’ head but he tries not to move. “I think you could have figured it out. I mean, you were there for ten years and you never disappeared.”
Louis doesn’t answer for a moment, sifting through blurry memories. “Rebecca was only there for a few months after I came. El left after a few years, maybe three or four. I don’t know why I didn’t.”
“I do.” Harry says confidently.
“Oh really?” Louis asks, trying to keep his voice light even as he thinks too hard about everything. He doesn’t really have an explanation why he never left the pond, why even when he drifted out he always stayed.
“Because you knew you were going to get yourself back out.” Harry tells him, and Louis almost believes it.
“But I didn’t know that. And I didn’t become a human again on purpose, it was an accident.”
“Maybe not.” Harry says. “But I’m not the one who kept trying to walk even when they couldn’t or went back to high school even when they didn’t have to.”
“You give me too much credit.” Louis says, the praise filling him up like water. Harry’s always too much, but it’s all true and it makes him feel like he’s made of something other than just skin and bones. He’s sunshine and power and everything else.
“Nah.” Harry says.
“I’m probably never going to see my old family again. I still don’t have my degree and I don’t have a job and when I tried to make fried rice last night I burned it.” Louis says, quick like it’s a list.
“Well I nearly made you turn me into a merman because I was terrified of having a real job. I walked into the lake when I was drunk a few months ago and scared the shit out of you because I thought I was going to end up alone and I had a stupid crush on a merman for three months.” Harry counters, and Louis wants to hold him close and whisper that it’s okay, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s okay to make mistakes and be afraid of things. He thinks that might be what Harry’s getting at.
“We’re so stupid.” Louis says after a lengthy pause, cracking a reluctant smile.
“Only sometimes. Mostly me.” Harry says, running his finger over where Louis’ rope tattoo frays.
“Mostly you.” Louis agrees, with a hint of cheek. “We’re going to end up okay though.” He thinks about how Harry’s eyes had lit up when Louis told him that he learned how to do laundry, about how Harry remembered the first day they kissed, about how they sat in the bathtub that first afternoon, Harry pouring soapy water over Louis’ too-long hair.
“Of course.” Harry says in a tone that says obviously but somehow also says I love you.
The waves wash up into the sand and Louis keeps his hands interlocked with Harry’s. He loves being in the water, but he likes being on this side of it more.
xx
3 months later
Louis thinks the woman in the red dress has noticed that he’s currently eating his fourth cream puff, and he wonders if she’ll try and stop him if he goes for a fifth. He’s never been to an office party before, but he thinks he’s supposed to be having petite, adult portions of things instead of gorging himself on tiny hors d’oeuvres.
Harry catches his line of vision, pinching him in the side. “Behave yourself.”
“How many cream puffs can I eat before it’s weird?” Louis asks, following Harry away from the dessert table and back over to the wine. He’s wearing one of Harry’s many christmas jumpers, a hideous green thing with a reindeer on the front, while Harry rocks the ugliest nutcracker jumper Louis has ever seen.
“I think it got weird after three.” Harry whispers against his cheek. “But I’m thinking of stuffing all of the sugar cookies into my pockets and taking them home for Zayn so we’re in the same boat here.”
“Maybe don’t do that.” Louis whispers back, giggling into Harry shoulder.
A voice startles them out of their thoughts of baked-good larceny. “So Harry, is this your boy?”
Harry turns to face the owner of the voice - a dark haired woman in a light blue button down and a santa hat - with a smile. “Veronica, this is Louis. Louis, this is Veronica.”
There’s something about her facial expression that makes her look like she knows more than she’s telling, and Louis is vaguely worried that she’s aware of their cookie stealing plans. “Nice to meet you, it’s good to finally meet Harry’s main coffee break discussion point.”
“Nice to meet you too.” Louis shakes her hand. “Hopefully he’s only been telling you charming and adorable things?”
“Mostly.” She says with a smile, taking a small sip from her wine glass. “I heard you successfully made fried rice for dinner last week. He was very excited, I think he told that one about three separate times.”
“It was an important story!” Harry protests, a blush coloring his cheeks as Louis cackles.
“I was pretty proud of that rice.” Louis adds, leaning into Harry’s side.
She rolls her eyes even as her lips twitch up with amusement. “So how’d you two meet?”
“Well I was on vacation by the coast.” Harry beings, sneaking a conspiratorial look at Louis.
“And I was out fishing when Harry here literally tripped over my fishing pole.” Louis continues. “And like, it’s a pretty bad fall, his knees are all scraped up and he says he can’t really move his wrist, so he obviously I can’t let him drive, right?”
Harry seems to catch on, chiming in with the next part of the story. “And so he drives me all the way to the emergency room, and it turns out I have a hairline fracture in one of the bones in my wrist.”
Veronica is looking at both of them like they have two heads, which only makes it harder for Louis to keep from giggling.
“And I’m trying to apologize for leaving my fishing pole out and he’s apologizing for tripping and ruining my afternoon because we’ve literally been at the hospital for about three hours.” Louis elaborates, poking Harry in the side to stop him from laughing. “Be serious, Harry, you could have been really hurt.”
“So I asked him on a date to make up for it.” Harry finishes happily.
“You two are so weird.” Veronica says, like someone watching a particularly fascinating nature documentary. “I need more wine for this. See you later, Harry, nice to meet you Louis.”
Louis turns to bury his face in Harry’s shoulder, a grin splitting his face. “Someone is going to compare stories one day and we’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.”
“My favorite was the time we met in Hawaii and had a whirlwind tropical romance and then learned we only lived an hour from each other. It was romantic.” Harry whispers.
“I liked the one where you stole all my laundry from the laundromat and I had to find you based only the contents of your jacket pockets.”
“I don’t think they believed that one.” Harry replies, kissing him quick on the cheek.
The room is warm, and Louis can’t remember ever liking the holidays this much.
“They did.” Louis says, kissing him back. “The lady who was judging me is gone, should we take more cream puffs?”
“Obviously.” Harry says, taking him by the hand and pulling him back towards the dessert table.
It’s a dark winter night and all Louis can hear is Island In The Sun.