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Taako has always been alone, he’s never had anyone. At least that’s how he remembers it.
Nobody knows him like Sazed does.
Taako gives him almost everything.
But Sazed wants more, he wants a bigger part, he wants to be on the show, and Taako can’t give him that because the show is all that he has.
It starts slow, with cheek kisses and fleeting touches but it progresses from there.
He remembers being tired, remembers saying no, remembers a hand trailing up his inner thigh. He remembers his pants being pulled off.
When it’s over Sazed says “Nobody will ever touch you again,” and Taako thinks it must be the truth.
***
They leave the wagon behind, they grab a horse and supplies.
Late at night, when they’ve run far enough, they stop and make camp.
It’s not that cold, but a chill seeps bone-deep.
Sazed presses Taako to the bedroll and whispers to his mouth, eyes staring deep into his soul. He says “Nobody will ever love you,” and kisses him.
Taako takes it to heart.
When he wakes up, Sazed is gone.
***
There aren’t many spells in his head. He can’t remember, but arcane cosmetics are simple enough. He puts on a disguise: hair, long and blond as opposed to short and dark. Clothes: a lot of color and flair, unnecessary accessories, very much unlike the practical clothes he used to prefer. He decides to buy a hat, as over the top as possible, as soon as he is able.
Statement pieces are good if you want to divert attention away from your face.
He doesn’t need anything or anyone.
He is nothing.
***
Taako wakes up.
The house he’s in is not his own and the man in the bed with him is not his husband.
He goes to throw up.
The taste in his mouth and the ache in his thighs and-
He hadn’t even been drunk, he just hadn’t remembered.
There’s only one person he can call.
“Sir!”
“Ango.” His voice is raspy. “What day is it?”
“It’s Thursday, sir, you-”
Taako’s hands shake so much that he almost drops the stone in the toilet bowl but he manages to hang up in the middle of Angus’ sentence.
He has been gone for three days and he can’t remember a thing.
Kravitz must not be home or he’d already found him, reaper skills and all.
Taako feels cold suddenly as he realizes that he can’t go home. He can’t go home to his husband after being gone for three days and having sex with some rando.
He throws on a disguise self before he steps out of the bathroom.
Everyone knows his face now thanks to The Day of Story and Song.
The man on the bed stirs as Taako returns to the room. “You look different than yesterday, but I guess I was pretty drunk.”
“Dude, uhh, I’m-- I’m married.”
“Yeah I saw the ring, but you said it was nothing.”
Nothing.
***
Taako is glad that Barry showed him how to hide his soul signature. He doesn’t want to be found.
He starts walking.
He doesn’t deserve anything or anyone.
He is nothing. He has nothing.
***
Lucretia visibly jumps when Taako steps into her office, looking just like he had when she left him. Chin-length black hair, simple clothes, no jewelry, no hat. Memory wiped, with a stagecoach and Sazed.
“You destroyed me, Lucretia,” he says, staring down at his hands instead of looking at her, at the empty finger where his engagement ring used to be. “Sometimes I wish I never remembered, it would have been easier than this. Seeing what I have become.”
His voice shakes and he hates it but there’s nothing he can do about it, he must say his piece before his resolve crumbles. “Killing me would have been kinder. Sometimes I wish you did.” His hands clench into fists against his will.
“Sometimes I wish I died in Glamor Springs.”
He walks away before she has a chance to open her mouth. He doesn’t look back.
***
He finds the wagon where they’d left it, hidden with magic and shadows of the forest.
It’s not in perfect shape, it has been years but it’s nothing a mending spell can’t fix.
And if he uses prestidigitation to erase the logo from the side, he doesn’t feel anything for it.
The inside he cleans with magic, and contemplates on making it a pocket dimension but decides that the original setup is good enough for him, cramped as it is.
He thinks it’s fine, right until he looks to the bed and remembers.
He transmutes it, changes it just enough until it’s no longer familiar. And he changes the linens too, into something softer and more luxurious because it makes him feel at home. It’s comforting, even though he doesn’t deserve it.
***
Kravitz finds him, bleeding out after taking a tumble down a rocky slope. He’s dying, maybe, that’s why the Grim Reaper is here but he also doesn’t want to die alone because he’s selfish like that, he’s not a good person.
“I thought I’d lost you,” Kravitz says, shoulders shaking, his hands gentle on Taako’s bruised face. “I almost did.”
Kravitz’s face crumples and he’s crying and Taako’s crying too because it hurts, deeper than the aches of his body. It hurts so much.
He doesn't deserve it, he’s nothing but he wants it. He wants it so much.
“Kravitz,” he says, blubbering like a child with blood leaking out of his nose and he must look terrible but Kravitz looks at him like he’s the most precious thing in the world and kisses his knuckles and palms.
“I’m with you, okay? Always,” he says and something inside Taako cracks and shatters. His hands come up to Kravitz’s chest, to pull him in or push him away he doesn’t know but he finds comfort in the familiar texture of an expensive suit.
“Did you ever think how we would miss you?” Kravitz mumbles, kissing Taako’s forehead despite the blood and dirt on his brow.
“No,” he says, sobs. “I didn’t.”
Kravitz helps him up, props him in the curve of his arm, supports him. “I wish you’d talk to me, talk to anyone instead of keeping all this in.”
Taako hides his face, presses his leaking eyes to his husband’s shoulder.
“I love you Taako. Nothing’s going to change that,” Kravitz murmurs and Taako thinks it might be the truth.
Nothing.
“You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything.”
Everything.
Taako wants to believe him, he takes it to heart. He goes home.