Quartet

by perryvic, Zaganthi (Caffiends)

Summary:

There was a figure, almost half buried in a snow drift, not wearing anything like sensible coats or pants, and for a brief moment he had a terrible fear that they'd *killed* someone, right up to the point where he heard the man say, "Ow."

The sound of that one syllable was enough to make him freeze.

Chapter 1

The best snow boots had laces.

That had always been Rodney's opinion, laces at the front and good stiff sidewalls, none of that Velcro and pull string crap. A good heavy flap over the laces to keep the water out, to keep little feet as dry as possible, was also important. Jeannie had only accused him of insanity once. That was the year before when she'd let Alex go skidding out the front door two days before Christmas, where he'd promptly tripped down the porch stairs and wrenched his left ankle, while Carson had been getting dressed to go pick his mother up at the airport.

So when Rodney insisted that at least one adult check Alex's boots before he went out in the snow and the ice, well, at least no-one scowled about paranoia. And Alex didn't care, because he'd gotten to pick out the most hideous, hideous purple boots that year and neither of his fathers had said no. The new boots were a somewhat less eye-bleeding blue, but that was only because Alex was growing at an unpredictably steady rate. One week, a sweater would fit and the next week Rodney could see the edges of it crawling up away from Alex's wrists, up towards his elbows in a subtle march that made Rodney wonder if the washing machine was actively shrinking clothing.

"Uhmpf, umphf. Can we go now?" His newly tied and sealed to repel moisture right boot kicked a little, dangerously close to smacking Rodney in the shoulder while he carefully knotted Alex's left shoe. He had skinny ankles and high arches and knees that were sharp as the suggestion of points on his ears. Bird bones, Carson's mother had smiled, while John's father had said that he was just like John had been. Jeannie reminisced about how Rodney had once been a skinny, weedy thing, so Alex had been doomed to that frame from the start. Rodney didn't want to call it doomed. After all, John had grown up to a beautiful man and Rodney's shoulders had filled out and no-one was any the wiser to any complications there were.

Alex had ten fingers and ten toes and no genetic anomalies other than the ATA Gene, and a wristwatch that he'd opened as an obscenely early Christmas gift from Sam Carter, which blinked, beeped and possibly sang the American national anthem as long as he kept it powered with kinetic energy, which Alex had in surplus. He was waving that arm idly, a little distractedly while Rodney closed the covering on the left boot.

"There we go. Put your mittens on while I find my gloves."

God knew where those mittens actually were, before Alex arrowed for the coat closet and started to crawl around over the other pairs of shoes and umbrellas that were stuffed in there. Rodney watched him while he fished in his coat pocket for his gloves. He'd probably stuffed them in a pair of someone's shoes. Possibly his own -- they lit up when he walked, those seizure inducing red led lights that flickered around the sole with every stomp and step -- because he loved them. Already head deep into gadgets, which Rodney knew because he'd had to pry the little handheld educational game that Alex had gotten for his birthday out of Alex's hands many times, late at night, already.

One day Alex would work out that Rodney could see the faint light coming from his bedroom, that it always scared the hell out of him, always pulled him out of a sound sleep. There were lights that were fine -- power supply lights, always on lights, standby lights, they were things he was used to. But that clean white glow of the semitransparent reflective TFT reminded some part of his subconscious of something, and Rodney couldn't remember what the hell it was. Rodney was sure he'd given Alex a few scares when he'd bolted out of bed to make sure he was all right. It was one of the many, many stupid little things he and Carson were working through. Not that working through things were stupid, no, but Rodney always felt he could surmount things through *willpower*, through working through it in the most sensible, physical implications of the word.

It just pissed him off that things rose up years after the fact like a bad STD. At least that wasn't the problem, but it did impinge on his vacation. Maybe it was all stirred up because he was doing more than living day to day to day, but planning, wondering, scheming a little. Carson was a, he couldn't imagine life without Carson any more than he could imagine life without Alex crawling backwards out of the coat closet with his mittens in his mouth. "Got'm!"

Thinking about doing it all over again, trying to see if it was even possible to have another child, with Carson this time, was exciting and frightening and pinged all of the memories of the last time and in connection with that, everything that had ever gone wrong on Atlantis.

"I thought I was going to have to send a rescue party in after you!" Rodney stepped closer and scooped him up in a rush, hands tight under Alex's armpits. "Right, into the snow for both of us. Right now. Madison's got a head start on the snow and Carson probably thinks we're lost. Here, turn the doorknob for me or I'll have to have you grab onto it and then I’ll twist you."

Alex giggled a little and then turned the doorknob so they could go out into the freezing Canadian winter. "Where've they all gone, Daddy? Did they take the sledge? Carson says I'm an accident waiting to happen on a sledge!"

"Sled, and you are. But we can go out on it if you let me sit behind you on it, all right?" It was a big, full sized sled and Rodney preferred that for just that reason. He reached to grasp Alex's hand, closing the door carefully behind him. He had the spare set of keys in case Jeannie had forgotten hers.

"Okay. Carson calls it a 'sledge' though," Alex said, taking his hand. "Maybe we can all get on the sl...sled at once and it'll go really fast because of the weight of us."

"Carson's Scottish," Rodney reminded. "And what that ultimately means is that you're going to hate your English teachers when you get to school because of your deviant spellings." They started down the stairs slowly, and then Rodney turned to lead the way up the curve of the hill that was Jeannie's backyard. He could hear Maddie's happy squeal.

"Mo…om! Uncle Carson's stuffing snow in my coat!"

"That's a terrible thing to say!" Carson protested. "I would never do such a thing! Never ever ever... C'mhere!"

There was another peal of protesting giggle as Madison ran around in circles and then fell over in the deep snow. "Honestly, I don't know which of you is the bigger kid." Jeannie was walking over to them both and then very slyly slipped snow down Carson's back.

"Argh!" Carson protested. "Thank goodness the both of you are here to witness such cruelty. The Millers are ganging up on me!"

"So that explains why Kaleb's crouched down by the barbeque with a camera?" Rodney caught at Alex when he stepped a little too deeply into the snow and scooped up a handful of the stuff when he got Alex straightened up. The snow was ravaged by footprints and bodies flopping over, but Alex was heading with singular determination towards the wooden sled with the red-enameled runners on the underside.

"I want to go down the hill! Maddie, I want the sled now..."

"You always want the sled now," his older cousin said. "Uncle Carson, can we have the sled now?"

There was no answer to that question as Carson was apparently staring at the sky with a slightly puzzled expression which made him a perfect target for a snowball.

Jeannie laughed and Rodney flicked the snow off of his glove. "Sorry." Except that, no, he really wasn't. "Do you want to go down the hill with him first?" They'd probably have to go three or twelve times, because Alex loved the feel of the cold wind in his face and everything rushing at them.

It was times like that that he knew genetics bred true. "Me? I'll take the next run." Carson was still looking around. "Rodney, did you just... feel anything unusual?" he asked in a low voice as Jeannie 'tsked' and got the sled ready for action.

"No." Rodney looked around for a moment and then looked at Carson. "Why, did you?"

"Umphf, sledding time! It's sledding time, Daddy! I want to go down the hill and then down the hill again, and then maybe we could go down the street and down the hill, and then..." And then he was pulling at the fabric of Rodney's pants and Rodney was throwing Carson a 'help me' look as he went with the tugging.

"No playing on the street. The worst thing I want to land in is a shrub, not a hybrid car and I'm going, I'm going. Carson was just saying that he felt something funny."

"There was a tickly feeling." Alex said it with great thought and it was difficult to tell whether it was his very vivid imagination. "But it's gone. Sled now? I wanna go fast!"

Carson shook it off. "Ach, it must've been a chill. Okay, then... how about I give you all a push down the hill this time?"

"Yey!" Madison ran to the sled. "Let's go!"

"All of us, huh?" Rodney grinned as he got to the back of the sled, as far to the back as possible, sitting down on it and stabilizing it while the kids clambered on. Both Madison and Alex. Madison was a good kid -- she and Alex had enough horseplay and shouting matches to match what he and his sister had, but at the end of the day, she was always considerate of Alex and he was, mostly, with her. It was in the little things. Leaving room for him on the sled, pouring an extra glass of apple juice when she poured one for herself. Good kids.

It helped that Madison wasn't stupid either, though paternal pride would have him discretely thinking that his Alex was evidently the genius of the family. He hadn't really needed Carson's serious 'we need a talk' not long after Alex was 18 months because by then, from the way he was talking and reasoning and working things out, it was obvious.

"Everyone hold tight now!" Carson instructed as he leaned down to push as if he was launching a bobsled. "Ah-one, Ah-two and three! Go, go, go!"

In the moment they went over the brow of the hill, he though he heard someone shouting "Rodney!" but there was the rush of wind in his ears and --

A shape in front of them and Alex was right at the *front*, dammit. Rodney was halfway trying to lean over both of the children to protect them from whatever it was that they were about to make contact with and then what they were making contact with and mowing down before Rodney twisted, shoved a leg out and jammed the sled's travel by twisting it sideways into a snowdrift from the clearing off of the driveway he and Carson and Kaleb had done the night before.

Alex was curled into his stomach with his feet rather bizarrely sticking up in the air and Maddie was squirming to her feet, showering them all with snow. He could hear Carson calling out behind them as they evidently were trying to run down the hill at the same time.

"Daddy, I think we ran over someone," Alex announced solemnly when he got his breath back. "That's not a good thing."

"No, no it's not." But Rodney still pulled Alex towards him as he straightened up. Fuck, his knee was going to kill him, but at least he could get to his feet to see just who they'd hit with the full weight of one adult and two kids on a downhill sled.

There was a figure, almost half buried in a snow drift, not wearing anything like sensible coats or pants, and for a brief moment he had a terrible fear that they'd *killed* someone, right up to the point where he heard the man say, "Ow."

The sound of that one syllable was enough to make him freeze.

He froze and then he let somehow got over there, on his knees, digging at the snow with one hand while he kept a hold of Alex. "Carson! Help me, we've got, I think it's..."

Carson arrived, breath billowing. "Who? Jeannie's neighbor?" That was the logical thought. "The way you hit him he might have a broken leg. Careful there, Alex!"

"I'm helping!" Alex replied, helping to scoop snow a little erratically.

"Rodney?" The voice still sounded muffled by snow but he was even more sure, especially when he saw Carson pause and stiffen.

"Bloody hell!"

"John." Rodney stared down at him, reaching for the upper part of his arm and then pulling hard to get him out of the snow. "This had, are you, this, this is a joke, isn’t it, it can't be, John?"

The man half rolled over and... there it was. It was John, there in the flesh, looking haggard and worn but definitely… John.

"Oh my god," Carson was just staring, even as John opened his eyes and focused on him and then broke out in a smile.

"Y'know, if I'd pictured a homecoming after five years, this wasn't my first idea of how it would go. Rodney, god, Rodney..."

A hand clung around his arm almost desperately.

It was *John*, it was *John*, really John, looking like hell, like an Athosian, and Rodney leaned in and grabbed him in a hug and he really hoped that they hadn't broken John's leg.

"Bloody hell," Alex muttered, pulling at the snow around John.

"Alex..." He could hear Carson say half-heartedly behind them, still stunned.

John was holding him, and then leaning into him as if all the strength that had gotten him here was fading away. "I'm, I'm sorry, Rodney," he was mumbling a little incoherently. "I'm sorry."

"Here, lad, I need to take a look at you," Carson murmured. "You took a forceful knock there and you don't look that steady in the first place."

"Who is it, Daddy?" Alex was peering at them both, practically tugging on his arm for attention.

"It's, it's John, Alex. It's John. Okay, uh, let's get into the house. Alex, can you help your cousin get into the house?" Rodney pulled John up, struggling but he got him up to his feet and Carson was close, there.

John's leg was folding up on him even as Carson took his other side, slipping an arm under his shoulder. "Easy there."

"C'mon, Maddie!" Alex called out even as Jeannie was standing there watching in stunned amazement.

John wasn't dead. Or John was dead and this was some alternate universe John, or, or, Rodney didn't know because it was the SGC and there were so many possibilities up to and including that John didn't die but ascended and was eventually kicked out of the super-human party and descended. "Did the Apollo just think it was a good idea to beam you down here? How did you even get back, what happened, you were..."

"Apollo?" John sounded a bit dazed which was unsurprising since he'd just been hit by a sled. "No, I came on my own. Well, Sweetheart flew me here from orbit."

"Easy, lad," Carson soothed and looked over at Rodney mouthing something about John maybe being delirious.

There wasn't any maybe about it. Rodney led the way up to the door, knowing that he and Carson were the only things keeping John upright because he felt like dead weight. John hadn't contacted the SGC, then -- Rodney would have to do it for him, and thank god Jeannie had a secure connection finally. "Here, hold on, we're just going to take you to the living room, you were just hit by a sled..."

"Noticed you were driving," John answered, hissing a little as he tried to get his leg to bear his weight. "Damn thing was nearly healed too."

"Mer, what do you want me to do?" Jeannie asked even as Alex and Madison were watching them all make slow progress.

"He's going to need some clean, dry clothes. Do you have any?"

"Stop putting weight on it," Rodney said, half demanding as he held the door open with the back of his arm, the three of them heading into the house sideways so John was still supported. "Was it broken before? Alex, can you get the jammer orb out of my suitcase and put it in the kitchen? We need to make a few phone calls, I think..."

"Okay, Dad!" Alex was very excited about having an important role in proceedings and dashed off with Madison running along behind.

It seemed whatever John had been about to say about his leg had been derailed by that comment. "Dad?"

"Yeah, it's, I don't even know where to start, but uh, Carson's going to fix your leg because that's what he does and I'm going to call the SGC, because you're *alive*, which is contrary to the funeral and, and..." And he was staring at Rodney, expression open even as Rodney helped him down onto Jeannie's sofa. "And you're in Canada without a passport or any form of ID and it's almost Christmas and I don't want to have to bail you out of jail for some kind of international incident."

"It's almost Christmas?" John was just staring at him. "But I haven't got anyone anything."

Carson eased him down. "I think there's been a wee knock on the head too."

"Before or after I mowed him down with a sled? I was just thinking that I never really want to find out if prison actually decorates for the holidays or not."

"Daddy, dad, dad." Okay, so the orb wasn't in the kitchen but it was in Alex's hand and he was shoving it excitedly at Rodney, with no sense of the gravitas that oh, god. John was really alive, and Rodney was going to have to explain that sometimes, sometimes, hah, the military made horrible mistakes when they declared one thing or another, and that his *other* daddy was actually still alive, and that was a talk he'd never prepared to have with Alex. They'd done the Carson's not really your biological father, but he loves you very much and he's a better cook than Rodney was, so if it wasn't for Carson they'd probably be starving and sad, and somehow that was still a much more reasonable talk than anything Rodney could come up with to explain John to Alex just then.

"Carson, are you going to be all right here, while I call to see just what, I mean, he had to have breached atmosphere at least."

"Relax, Rodney," John drawled and it was like any one of a hundred missions. "I left her parked under cloak up there. No one'll know. I... just had to see you. Told Sweetheart to take me to you."

"Who or what is Sweetheart?" Carson asked as he started examining his leg.

"Best spacefighter ever. I left her parked out back. No one will see her."

Parked under cloak. Rodney had the worst mental image of the Daedalus, or Apollo smacking into whatever John was referring to, except they were all parked in geosynchronous orbit. Still, it wouldn't prevent bits of trash and debris from...

He needed to focus, so Rodney took the jammer from Alex and turned a little. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute. I think the concussion you got either when you landed or when we hit you is getting to you. I'll just..." Go duck into the kitchen and pick up the phone, which he was doing, dialing Colonel Carter because it was the first thing that sprang to his mind and she'd be in the office where O’Neill, no, probably not.

Alex decided this meant he could now indulge his curiosity. "You have a fighter? Can I see it?" he asked hopefully. "Does it go fast?"

"Yeah, it goes really really fast... ow!"

"Sorry, John, just hold still.”

"Why's it called Sweetheart?"

"Because she's a sweetheart of a plane, never let me down. The name kinda stuck. Hey, what's your name?"

"Alex John McKay!" Alex announced proudly.

"Well hey, good to meet you, Alex *John* McKay." John offered his son his hand to shake. "Gotta say you're very… uh."

"I know, Daddy says I'm a genius just like him," Alex interrupted and grinned.

"Alex, what did we say about that?" Carson admonished gently.

"Aw, Carson..." Alex looked down. "I'm not meant to just tell people that. They might be put off."

"Hey, well I've been friends with your Dad for some time and I think I can deal."

Fantastic. He had no idea that he was talking to his own son. John probably thought, well, hell. Who knew what John thought? John *knew* about Rodney in that very intimate way, and he needed to focus while he listened to the ring, ring ring, waiting for Carter to pick up.

"Carter," came her slightly terse answer. "Rodney, this really isn't a good time. We're in the middle of trying to track something here and..."

"Is it a ship in geosynchronous orbit? I ask this, because Colonel John Sheppard just showed up in my sister's yard and he says he flew a fighter from something that he parked in orbit down here."

"Holy..." Sam abruptly started paying him more attention. "John Sheppard? Killed in Action, you saw him shot half a dozen times John Sheppard? Ask him what it is? What's parked up there?"

"Hold on. Carson thinks he has a concussion. We hit him with the sled coming down the hill," Rodney pressed his palm against the receiver and leaned out into the living room, stretching the cord on the phone. "John, just what did you park up there? The SGC's frantic."

"Atlantis. I flew Atlantis home," John answered from the other room. "Killed all the Replicators and brought her home. Busted the gate though. Sorry about that."

"It's Atlantis. He -- the Replicators are gone, the gate's broken, and I, Carter, I'm going to hang up on you now, this is in your hands, I did my duty." He'd let her know and now he was going to hang up over her protestations because holy shit, that really *did* have to be John in there.

"Rodney! Rodney we're going to have to..." He chose that point to hang up. Atlantis fully functioning able to fly through hyperspace, and John...

"Okay, well the good news is that if there is a fracture, it's only a hairline and the worst thing is that you took a bad knock to the stitches you've already got in there." Carson said. "Been in the wars, lad?"

John laughed a tight, sharp bark of laughter. "You have no idea, Carson. No idea."

Rodney held onto the Orb, wandering disjointedly into the living room again. "Hi. I, uh. They'll probably be sending someone around soon but we'll deal with that when it happens. You're back."

"Yeah." John was able to track him with his eyes, so he couldn't be that concussed. There was a long pause and then John said, "Sorry I'm late."

Which was the most ridiculous and infuriating thing to say ever.

"You've missed a lot. You, I'm sure we've missed a lot, but I'm not going to grill you on what you did to the Replicators, because we've been struggling with them again ourselves, and the Ori, so actually I am interested on how to kill them off, but..." Rodney glanced over to Carson, and then to Alex, and Jeannie was staring at all of them, with Kaleb hovering in the background staring at John like he still wasn't sure if he should call for help. "Uh."

"John, it's good to see you again," Jeannie said simply.

"Hey, Jeannie," John gave her a little wave. "Kaleb, uh, sorry about dropping in unannounced. In my head this was going to be a more casual sort of reunion. Uh..."

"Okay, John, I think we need you to have a lie down somewhere," Carson murmured and it was then that Rodney realized that John, for all his laid back drawl had been clinging on to Carson's hand as if he was dangling over a cliff.

He looked bruised around the eyes and Rodney wanted to reach out and wipe them away. "We can put you in, uh, the guest room we're in." He reached a hand for John's other hand, ready to haul him up again. It would be easier for Carson to do whatever he needed to do, even if it meant they'd have to get John up the stairs.

"Sure," John said reaching for him.

"And you can change out of those wet clothes," Carson said.

"They're cool clothes," Alex contributed. "Can I have clothes like that?"

"No." Rodney helped John get up again, glancing to Carson. "Actually, you can if you go into acting."

"Here we go." Carson got an arm under him. "Have to say, John, I'm just guessing here but I think you're way underweight."

"Yeah probably," John answered. "I've been..." He shrugged obviously not knowing how to explain. "I've not been good for a while."

"You still got here. You, you came home." Came back to him and Carson, and all of them, and Alex, and hell, things had just gotten complicated but there wasn’t time to think. They got up the stairs slowly, with Alex lingering no less than three steps ahead of them on the stairs, fingers busily fussing with the poles on the banister. Rodney was distracted enough that he didn't realize until they were past the top of the stairs and heading towards the guest bedroom that Alex had to have climbed up the back of the sofa and from there over the railings to get in front of them without sliding between anyone’s legs.

Alex did that sort of thing. He climbed and threw himself off of things, or into things. But he did helpfully open the door for them and ran and jumped on the bed as if they might've forgotten where it was even as they helped John onto it.

"Here we go lad," Carson murmured. "You do realize they'll have the SGC here in a couple of hours or so?"

"Yeah." John looked at them. "I just needed to see you. Been keeping me going." He gave a lopsided smile. "They can have me in a bit."

"We're not letting them walk off with you." Not that he thought they'd do anything to John, but he didn't need the hassle and if they *did* need to report someone to be debriefed, then John wasn't going to go alone, because he looked like death microwaved on full power for about 5 minutes too long. Alex bounced on the bed again, even as he and Carson tried to get John so he could lie down on the bed.

"Here, you can have Carson's AND Dad's pillows!" Alex said, arranging them helpfully for them all, and the look in John's eyes as he obviously registered that news was terrible.

"Thanks, Alex," he said with a smile that wasn't as joyous as before. "Congratulations huh? You and Carson?"

"Yeah. Alex is, he..." He was brilliant and bright and helpful and the whole thing was exciting for him and not trauma-prone, which was good. Less to deal with later, Rodney decided while he and Carson helped John lay down. Rodney moved to pull at the bizarre Athosian style boots John was wearing. Why the Athosians had never learned proper waterproofing, Rodney would never know.

"Think I'm gonna find out that lots of things have changed huh?" John said. "Sorry for interrupting your vacation."

"We'll have none of that, John. It's a proper miracle having you back and you are more than welcome to interrupt us when you are coming back from the dead," Carson answered, helping to strip down his pants as well. "Let's get this shirt off as well."

And there it was, quelling the horrifying thought that he had *imagined* what had happened to John because here he was, alive after all, but there was the feeding scar on his chest, and there were bullet wounds scattered over his chest and torso. He could see Carson frowning a little as if trying to work it all out in his head.

Rodney left the snow sopped clothes sit on the floor for a minute while he reached into a half unpacked suitcase to pull out a pair of his own Pajamas. Hell, they could've put him in Kaleb's clothes, because he was the same weedy build and that was a depressing thought. "Your brother's flying up here before New Year’s, so you picked the best time to show up. You're not interrupting a damn thing, John, here. Ignore the fact that half the equations on these pajamas are wrong -- apparently novelty sleepwear absolves a designer of basic math skills -- and Alex is your son."

John frowned a little and seemed to be trying out words that never made it to an actual sound.

"...what?"

"Rodney!" Carson hissed at him. "I'm sorry, John, Rodney really doesn't mean to send someone into shock like that."

"John is my other daddy?" Alex stared at them all. "My other dad has a fighter plane!"

"What? I couldn't think of any other way to say it!" Rodney helped John get his arms into the pajama shirt while Carson got the bottoms on John.

"....Alex is my son?" John repeated faintly and he really had drained of color.

"John's been MIA for five years and he's partly concussed and disorientated and you pick *now* as a good time to tell him that you had his baby?" Carson remonstrated.

"Rodney had my baby?" John looked one shade of color away from passing out completely.

"Hey, hey, sit up and breathe, John, you can't just pass out on us, Jeannie will kill me after Carson's done doing it." He wanted to lean down and slap John a little, but putting a hand under his head might've helped. Rodney wasn't sure.

"Rodney... oh for god's sake, do you ever listen to me? Give me the pillows, I need to elevate his feet," Carson demanded.

Alex bounced off the bed. "I need to tell Maddie I've got *three* dads!" he said and ran out of the door, bellowing for his cousin.

Carson fussed at elevating John's feet which did, rather surprisingly, help although John still looked pale.

"All right," Carson took a deep breath. "John, we'll talk about this in more detail, but the upshot is that after Rodney made it back after the mission where Kolya had you both hostage, a little while afterwards, he discovered in defiance of medical odds that he was pregnant. Usually people with his genetic profile are in effect sterile. However, this was the exception to prove the rule. At the point where we were going to tell people, make a decision, the Ancients returned and threw the 'squatters' out of Atlantis. Rodney… understandably had issues and I asked him to live with me. Our relationship developed from that point. After Alex was born, we've taken care of him, and we thought your father ought to know that he had a grandson from you so we connected with them... does that make more sense?"

John nodded a little, though he still looked wild-eyed.

"Which is why your brother's visiting, because we've kept in contact with your family through the years and Alex will love to get to know you. Your father swore Alex was just like you." Rodney shifted, awkward, glancing to Carson for cues on what to do. "And this is why we should all be glad I'm not a field medic."

"We really should," Carson confirmed. "Well, first thing I'm going to do is to get you something to drink and eat because even if you've eaten recently you could do with it again. We'll work out everything else, but I'm sure there's no reason if they want to debrief you John, that they can't beam us up to the Apollo or something and return you right here. And I'm absolutely sure rustling up a passport is within their capabilities. Rodney is going to talk to you and try not to send you into shock anymore."

Carson raised his eyebrows meaningfully at John and then after patting John on the arm, left them alone.

The worst part of being left there with John was that his first thought was to tell John that by the way, his father had died. He bit that one back and glanced over towards the door. Alex had run off to crow at Maddie, but there was no telling when he'd be back. "So."

John seemed to be thinking. "Y'know, I was just so intent on getting back to you I didn’t think of what I might find."

"I had Alex. It was a weird, hard decision to make, but..." Rodney stayed where he was, still looking down at John's pale, dazed face. "And I mean weird, because pregnant men aren't even funny in comedies."

"I raped you, Rodney," John said. "I'm sorry. I..."

He looked unsettled and lost.

"It wasn't rape. It was horrible circumstances. It..." Was something he didn't try to think about, but Rodney was used to *not* thinking about it more than he was used to thinking about it.

"Rodney," John was struggling with that. "You can't rape a willing... I mean, I got it up, I should've been unreactive."

"Oh, yes, because human anatomy always works that way -- look, I'm not going to find you male rape pamphlets that tell you you're wrong, though I'm sure Carson would know where to find them, and published by two or more reputable sources, but it was a prisoner situation. You had a gun to your head. I couldn't *not* do it."

John stared at him a little. "Shit, none of this is going the way I thought it would," he managed. "You were meant to tell me that you hated me then I was going to tell you how much I missed you and I thought I loved you and... this is some weirdass dream isn't it? "

"Do you dream about getting run over by sleds much?" Rodney looked to the door again and kept watching John's face. "I've missed you. I missed you a lot."

"You've got Carson," John answered. "You've got a family. I don't think I'm much good with family and... I'm a bit screwed up, Rodney. Even by my standards."

"Then Carson can handle two people who have PTSD. Three, if you count him and we should, because, look, no-one walked away from that mission in one piece and you're alive, which is a miracle by itself. You have a son. He's always wanted to know who his biological father is. You can stay with us."

John looked surprised. "Hadn't you better consult with Carson on that?" he asked.

"Consult with me on what?" Carson said as he came back in the door with several steaming mugs and what appeared to be the entire contents of the snack cupboard. "Jeannie was making the kids hot chocolate so I thought that would be good and then I raided the cupboard for all the things we went crazy on as kids."

"I'm still pretty bad on that. I mean, I haven't run out and bought a car from our finances without consulting him, bad, but I nearly did get Alex a kitten, and uh..." Rodney looked over his shoulder, and finally thought about taking his winter coat off. The gloves were probably down in the living room, and there was a 40 to 60 percent chance that Alex was wearing one of them on his head like a cock's comb. "Thanks," He smiled at Carson when Carson passed him a mug, while they both tried to get John propped up a little closer to sitting.

He definitely needed to talk to Carson alone.

John's hands were shaking a little as he took the mug and drank some of the sweet chocolate. "Teyla sent back presents for everyone and Ronon," he said suddenly. "I left them in orbit. Sorry."

He almost asked if John had left Ronon in Orbit, but it clicked after a minute. "You came back. You came back, John. That's better than anything, you... you're back."

"It's wonderful to have you home," Carson said soothingly. "There will be time for catching up when you've had a little rest and the SGC have been here and Alex and Maddie have gone to bed."

"We'll try to keep Alex from interrogating you." He could keep himself from interrogating John, but it was hard to not watch the way John clutched onto that mug.

"I appreciate it. Good to see you again. I'm glad you're happy."

"You have a wee rest," Carson said, beckoning Rodney up and away. "Chances are we'll end up going over all this again when things have settled down."

Which, given their track record, would be too far off in the distance. Rodney took the hint, though, watching John as he stood up. "We'll be downstairs. Yell if you need anything."

"Okay, thanks, guys," John answered and as they shut the door behind them, he could hear him rustling in one of the snack bags.

It was just surreal, incredibly surreal and Carson looked as shaky about it as he did.

"I think I need to sit down a moment," Carson said eventually. "Somewhere private."

Rodney reached for Carson, grabbing at the fabric of his shirt, leaning into him. "Private is hard to do in this house."

"Yeah, I know," Carson pulled him into the bathroom. "Dear god in heaven, Rodney, I'm not sure what to say. John's alive."

"John's alive," Rodney murmured, following Carson and pulling the door. Yeah, that was going to have to do, standing in the bathroom and being grateful that Jeannie's bathroom floor was vinyl and not real tile so there'd be less of an echo.

"He looks like he's been a bloody prisoner of war for five years," Carson said. "All the classic signs of advanced battle fatigue. What did he say he had to consult with me about?"

"That I had to. He started going on about not being good with families and how he'd expected things to be different and I told him he could stay with us." Rodney leaned his ass against the edge of the sink.

Carson exhaled. "Okay," he said. "Alright..." He hesitated a moment. "All of us? Together?"

There was something off about Carson's tone of voice. "Is there some deeper implication I'm missing here? Just until, until, look, I don't know until when or how it's going to work, but you said for yourself that he looks like a PoW, and I'm never going to be able to look at that place setting in the cafeteria again."

Carson looked down at his hands. "At the risk of being selfish, I love John, I really do, but does this mean you want me to leave? I mean he is the natural father..."

"Do I want you to leave?" He leaned forwards, grabbing at Carson's shoulders tightly. "I know I'm not the best with relationships, but we're sharing a house, a life, so how did we get from where we are now to whether I want you to leave? I was, oh, this is just hellish."

"You loved... love John," Carson said looking at him. "He's Alex's father, I'm just Carson Beckett, the guy who took advantage of a gap in your life. I love you, Rodney, I love Alex and I want you to be happy. Being with John would make you happy."

"You're an idiot," Rodney sighed, leaning into Carson, shifting his hands to hold onto Carson. "You're just Carson Beckett, guy who's made my life enjoyable for the last few years, Carson Beckett, guy who Alex runs to when he's twisted his ankle, which is a stupid habit that he takes after John with, but you, you're family and I was going to talk to you about trying to do this, this whole routine again, and then we ran over John with a sled."

Then it was Carson's turn to look stunned. "Wait, what? You were going to talk to me about becoming pregnant again? With me?"

"Right. You dote on Alex and you're from a huge family. I had Jeannie to grow up with." He turned his head, mugging onto Carson for a moment. "I was going to spring it on you, sort of 'Hey, how do you feel about Christmas sex without birth control', if we ever got Alex to go to sleep."

"Oh my god." He literally felt Carson relax then. "I'm sorry, I'm just a wee bit rattled and you know how I get. I...I bought you a ring ...for a commitment if nothing else Rodney. This has just thrown me for a loop."

"Which means it's the worst time to make 'do you want me to leave' decisions, because that's stupid. I'm not going to throw you over just because John's back. That's really stupid. In fact, if I can say that again," Carson gave a half-laugh then and Rodney pressed his hand down along Carson's spine. "I love you. You're… I already realized what you meant to me once, when the Asgard took you."

Carson kissed him. “But you do love John don't you?" he asked, warm and solid against him.

"I don't know. It's been years and he's, I, I don't know. I'm not going to say yes and then have you martyr yourself or do a yenta or I don't know what you're thinking, but you're mine and I've lost you once and I can't just keep losing people and then having them waltz the hell back into my life over and over again."

"My mum always says that love is not something that decreases for the sharing, just your heart grows bigger," Carson said. "She used to tell my brother and sisters that when there was another one of us on the way. If you love me, and you love John then we can make that work. I know you, Rodney, you can make anything work."

"Right, well. I don't know how it looks in your head, but the reality's standing a little differently right now, so let's just... try to help John and carry on with our lives and just, I don't want to put things up in the air." Any more than they already were. Hell, they were having a conversation in his sister's bathroom. Rodney exhaled, and inhaled the vague scent of Carson's shaving lotion.

"We'll do this, then. Give him that time. He's going to need a lot of help and support. It's been five years, and I still don't know how he survived. Any one of those bullet wounds could've killed him."

"I saw him get shot. There's a feeding wound on his chest." Rodney rolled his shoulders and pressed his mouth against Carson's neck. "And this is completely inappropriate, but I'm going to blame shock. You're not allowed to leave."

"I won't leave, I promise," Carson murmured, moving to allow a closer access. "I'd never leave you, never. Or Alex, never."

"Good. Because I love you. I actually have a cost-related spreadsheet proving that we could afford another child, particularly if we invest for college now like we did with Alex..." He kept his eyes closed, trying to not think too hard on the bigger picture of John being home.

Carson chuckled, "Rodney, between us we earn probably five times the income my parents had to raise seven. It's not about cost. Let’s see what happens. We've just had an amazing Christmas present early and I'm sure John is more than a little overwhelmed."

"Right." Rodney exhaled again, concentrating on Carson's fingers against the nape of his neck. "We should probably leave the bathroom in case there's someone who actually needs it."

"Aye well, we might end up sleeping here if John gets the guest bedroom," Carson said with a smile. "Let’s resume this a little bit later shall we?"

"Jeannie's sofa’s not so bad," Rodney sighed. "Later." He was even going to be mature about it and pull back from Carson, reaching to open the door so they could leave.

After all, they had to see what devastation Alex had managed to cause in the time they were distracted.

---

The last thing John thought he would be doing in his first day back on Earth was sleeping, but he had, twice so far, despite all the revelations spinning around his head. Once after Rodney and Carson left to give him time, and then straight through after General O'Neill had turned up with a few people to say hi, and grill him on the basic details.

He'd been so tired after that he didn't actually remember if the General had left before he had fallen asleep or not. For once, he woke without the nightmares, but he lay there thinking a while.

He was a father. Rodney and Carson... together.

It was surreal. He was a father and somehow that had brought Rodney and Carson together. He was sure that Carson was a good parent. He'd always gotten along well with kids, and Rodney seemed so at ease with the boy. And they'd named him Alex John.

Yeah, surreal didn't even scratch the surface, and somewhere miles above the planet the SGC was boarding Atlantis, his city. O'Neill was probably with them.

Atlantis would be fine with him. Sweetheart. Well, she was being transported, too, and he was willing to bet that meant O’Neill was going to fly her and suddenly everything he did have left was being taken away.

And for all anyone had said, he wasn't sure if he had something to replace it with or not.

His goddamn leg hurt as well. Talk about the worst dramatic entrance ever. Fly the galactic gulf and get taken out by a sled. Yeah.

There was creak of a door hinge. He was almost immediately at battle readiness, hunting instinctively for a weapon. But instead of an enemy or even an adult, it was Alex, apparently overwhelmed with curiosity so he was sneaking in.

"Hiii." His whisper sounded excitable as he crept in. "Hi, John."

"Hi, Alex," he managed, shifting himself to look a little more together. "Bit early for you to be up?"

"No." He tottered closer into the bedroom, peering at John. "Dad and Uncle Carson are on the sofa. Dad said that you're my other biological dad."

John found himself patting the bed next to him. He was used to the Athosian kids sprawling all over him as part of Teyla's 'therapy' to keep him sane, and Alex was apparently his son so...

"So they tell me," he admitted. "I didn't even know Rodney was going to have you."

"Yeah, Dad said that. He also said that the military 'sometimes' makes mistakes. Rabbit ears around words mean that's a lie, so..." So, and Rodney had said it just like that the night before, staring at John expectantly, just like Alex was. His pajamas had some kind of cat pattern on them.

He smiled at that. "Well, they were pretty close to the truth this time around. Your dad and I were on a mission and things went wrong. I was hurt pretty badly and if this other guy hadn't have rescued me, I would've been... I would never have come back. But I got better and then I had to try and find a way home and carry on protecting our friends there and well, it took me this long to get back to everyone."

"And now I get to meet you." Alex was still *peering* at him. "Where do you live? Can I see your fighter plane?"

"I haven't got anywhere to live yet," John answered truthfully enough. "And sure, but I think they're taking her back to Colorado Springs with them... the military guys."

Alex was so together for a four year old, going on five, that it threw him a little.

“Oh. You should live with us." Alex decided it, still staring at him. "Everyone talked about you a lot last night."

"They did huh?" John said raising an eyebrow. "What did they say about me?"

That was a little disconcerting.

"Aunt Jeannie said you looked sick. Dad said you were going home with us. Uncle Kaleb played Monopoly with us when Dad and Uncle Carson went to talk on the porch." It was a little disjointed, but for four, that was a pretty good intel report.

"Wow." John contemplated this information. "Ever considered becoming a spy?" he teased a little and grinned. He could see the tell-tale points to the ears, the shock of messy dark hair that he could just tell was his, but Alex's eyes were Rodney-blue.

Bright, sharply, Rodney-blue. "No. I like maths. And playing outside. You owe me a sled ride. I didn't go on it but once yesterday, and we hit you. Are you okay?"

"My leg’s a bit shaky, but that's not really to do with you guys, I hurt it before," John said. "Soon as I'm okay to get up we'll have a go on that sled again, huh? I used to like going really fast and then putting my arms out to see if it was like flying."

"That's the best way. Dad likes to hug me all the way down and Uncle Kaleb mutters about uh, Somebody Frome." Alex shifted, peering at John. "You're in dad's pajamas!"

"Yeah, I guess I am. He let me borrow them," John answered, finding it best when it came to kids just to roll with the subject changes. "So, hey... you're my son and I don't know much about you. How about filling in some of the gaps?"

"I'm almost five." There was no holding up of fingers -- Alex was probably past that stage. "I go to school next September. Dad didn't want me going yet. Says I need to be bigger. I'm going into first or second grade. Dad and Carson argue about that."

"What do you want to do?" John asked, studying him

"Learn a lot." Alex was all grins when he said it. "And play games. I play a lot. Games . I have a handheld, and a console, and a computer, and I want a kitten. I heard Dad and Carson talking about it. I don't think I'm getting one for Christmas. Pets, Dad said, do not fit well in that big bag."

"I miss playing games," John answered. "Now that's something I could do, even now. Give your Dad time, he used to tell me how much he missed his cat when we were away and... when it comes to learning, I bet you've got them all beat. So has Carson been like, your other dad?"

"Yes." Alex nodded eagerly. "I love Carson, 'n my Dad. Because they're going to make me Mickey Mouse pancakes when they get up. With jelly. And then I'm going to wake Maddie up and then we can all go play outside, because it snowed again."

"Wow, again?" John said and felt a pang of *something* but he wasn't sure what. He just felt so disconnected from everything. "How many days is it until Christmas anyway?"

He didn't know and it felt pretty weird and he wanted to do something to make up for things. Maybe he could order stuff online or something. Ask Jeannie to buy a few things. He had to do something."

"Four? No. No." There was a thoughtful look. "The fourth day will *be* Christmas, so, that makes three. Three days until Christmas. I'm glad you came! You came for Christmas. Dad talked about you a lot, and Uncle Dave. He said I'm just like you and you grew up, uhm, willful and cool."

"Oh, he said that did he?" John raised his eyebrows a little. "I'm really glad to meet you as well. Where I was before, I used to get jumped on by a lot of kids, usually for stories. No TV, no computer games."

"I like stories. I have a whole lot of books. I got a Pinocchio book for my birthday, and it's got pictures and it's better than the movie one. Will you tell me stories, too? If your leg hurts 'n you can't sled?" Ah, there was a hint of continuity in his thought.

"Sure, I'm sure I can come up with a few things." He'd corrupted Earth movies for stories for the Athosian kids, but he'd picked up a fair few Athosian, Genii, Satedan, Manaran and all over Pegasus folk tales of one kind or another. Some would do really well. He made a mental note that Alex was reading early as well. "I'm pretty sure I can persuade them to let me sled a bit. You know... you've got my ears there I reckon," he said reaching out to touch the tip of the nearest ear with fascination.

"Dad said that." Alex grinned, that crooked smile that mirrored Rodney's. "Are you going to stay?"

"Here now? Yeah. Back at yours?" John hesitated. "I guess we'll see how it goes. You guys have been a family for a long time and then I come out of nowhere. That's got to be pretty weird for all of you."

"So? Dad said I came out of nowhere, and Dad loves me a lot." Alex shifted, knees pressing against John's leg, he was inched in so closely.

"Good point," John said, wishing it really was that easy. "I'm just saying, some bad stuff happened to me and I might not be the best person to have around okay? Nothing to do with you or your dads, more to do with me." He wasn't sure if Alex understood but at least he wasn't hiding anything.

Alex eyed him for a moment, and then declared, "Okay," as if it was that easy. "What did you do? To get to fly?"

"Well, what have your dads told you about what they did?" John asked, noticing Alex had crept closer again.

It was almost creepy of Alex, but he seemed fascinated by John. "Yes. They work for the Government, and they're scientists, and before me, they were on a big special project that they can tell me about when I get older. When I get a 'curity clear-rance."

"Well, I was on the big special project too," John answered. "And my job was to protect everyone else. So when your Dad was busy saving everyone, because he did that a lot, I had to make sure no one stopped him. And on the times when things went a bit wrong, then Carson would make sure we got better again. But...well, I got left behind and that meant I had to keep on fighting the nasty people to protect our other friends and to find a way home. And there was a lot of flying... too much flying I guess but I had to keep doing it."

"Dad said you died protecting him. And that you were a good person and I would've liked you, and I do like you." He turned his head, peering towards one of the half opened suitcases and then slipped off the bed. "Are you getting up?"

"I guess we could. Those Mickey Mouse pancakes sound good. You reckon they're up yet?" John asked even as he swung gingerly around.

"Yes. I jumped on the sofa before I came up here. Dad squawked." Alex flipped the suitcase open carefully, pulling free what looked like a stuffed white tiger. "This is for you. If you can't sleep. I forgot I brought him."

John smiled a little taking the gift. "Thanks. He got a name?" he asked, appreciating that he'd thought of that, to give away a toy that was worth packing was a big deal.

"Monticore. Dad suggested it and Carson smacked his arm for it, so I think one day they'll tell me why it was funny. So, he's Monticore." Alex grinned and added, "I got him when we went to the zoo. I like zoos and museums and we do all sorts of things. And have breakfast. "

"Right now, Monty here can guard the bed while we go look for breakfast," John said. He was pretty hungry. The snacks had been wonderful and almost too sweet but yeah, he could eat. He stood a little unsteadily, wincing a little at the painful leg, but able to walk.

"Did we do that when we hit you?" Alex asked, watching him wobble. "With the sled?"

"I hurt it some before," John said, working the kinks out. "The sled didn't help but I did most of it before, don't worry. Let's go, I'll catch you up."

"Okay!" Alex pivoted, moving fast now that he thought John was going to follow him and he padded out into the hallway with stocking feet and a determined pace.

It seemed strange, of all things, to be walking on carpet. Carpet didn't happen much in Pegasus, it was stone floors and rugs. He looked at himself in the equation ridden pajamas and surprised himself by spotting the incorrect ones immediately as he was going along.

He blatantly stole a robe and headed off downstairs, testing his strength.

The stairs creaked as he walked down them and he could hear sound in the kitchen. There were blankets on the sofa, and it looked disarrayed, the coffee table pushed back from it.

"Okay, and... Jeannie, do you have that weird butter substitute?"

"It's not a weird butter substitute," Jeannie said and oh god, he could smell coffee. Real coffee. He was practically salivating at the smell. And toast - just the smell of toast was enough to amaze him. "Use what you want, we'll have to go shopping soon. It says we're going to have some bad storms so I want to get everything in early just in case."

"Do you want me to go with you?" That was Rodney's voice offering and John just wandered into the middle of an easy sort of chaos. Alex was sitting on a stool near the center island, watching raptly as Rodney whisked a bowl full of batter. Carson was over by the coffee pot, pouring cups out.

"Please, Mer, do I look like I want to stab myself in the hand with a fork? No. We always end up arguing over something. If I take anyone, I'll take Carson. He knows when to shut up and carry things," Jeannie said.

"Thanks a lot, Jeannie," Carson said dryly, even as John limped in silently. Stealth was a habit that he didn't even have to think about, even with a limp.

“Hi, John! Here, sit by me." Yeah, he was still novel for Alex, and probably still novel for them all, because Rodney tilted his head, staring at John just as intently as Alex was.

"Oh, hey, you're up. Good. I was going to run upstairs and see if you wanted pancakes, but since you're here -- do you want pancakes?"

"My secret spy network told me there were pancakes, so I came on a mission," John said smirking a little at Alex. "Is that... coffee? I haven't had coffee for...uh..."

He actually couldn't remember.

Five years was a good, round-about guess, though. "Yeah. No, have all the coffee you want, you've pretty much moved into the cheap person's version of Starbucks. Carson also makes a great cup of tea." Rodney sat up a little straighter, whisking the pancakes for a minute longer.

"Tea is something I have a lot of experience with," John said, fascinated at Rodney actually cooking. "So, you know... cooking?"

"It was learn minimal cooking or have Carson kill me. And Jeannie." Rodney shifted, reaching to pull a pan down from where Jeannie had it hanging on the wall. "And it's really just science, when you come down to it."

"I have special Scottish training," Carson replied. "I made a lot of tea when I was young. Alex lovey, don't eat the raw batter, it won't taste nice."

"I was just having a taste!" Alex said taking his finger out of the edge of the bowl.

Carson presented John with his coffee, resting his hand gently on his shoulder for a moment that rather unexpectedly made his throat tighten with emotion. "Toast, John?"

"Yeah...yeah, I'd like that," he managed. "Uh...Y'know, I'm kinda without, well, anything actually. Is there any way I can get some things?"

"Oh, uh." Rodney gestured to Carson and Jeannie a little. "They’re going grocery shopping, and Kaleb and Maddie are possibly going with them, but you, I and Alex can go shopping, and that wasn't anything nearly like a decent sentence."

"No, no it wasn't," John agreed. "O'Neill said something about sorting out some emergency funds for me until they can sort out things."

He'd never had much stuff, but his bank account would've gone to his family and anything meaningful he'd left to people from Atlantis.

"I should have money anyway." The bounty on bringing home planet defending weapons was likely to be pretty damn high as well. "Getting boxers would be a good start."

He caught Rodney grinning, and Alex *peering* at him. "You don't have underpants? I thought everyone had--"

"Yes, you have to wear them," Rodney cut off, picking up the batter bowl again.

"Spoilsport," John murmured and smirked.

"John, you are already corrupting our son and Rodney you should know with Alex that you have to specify *where * he has to where them," Carson said even as John sipped the coffee and closed his eyes in near rapture. "He means NOT wearing them on your head, Alex. That doesn't count."

"If you wear your underwear on your head, Alex, I'm taking pictures and sharing with the world," Madison declared from the dining table. It looked like she had a book with her and a glass of juice.

"She would as well. And most likely pull it out when you get your first Nobel," Jeannie said.

"Joint Nobel," Madison corrected sipping the juice. "Me and Alex."

"Alex and I," Kaleb corrected as he wandered through. "Hey, pancakes."

Rodney was going great guns on them and this felt good. Felt like the family chaos of Teyla's long house with the complicated Athosian family links drawing in all and sundry. He hadn't realized that Teyla had effectively adopted him to give him the privilege, but she'd been right about dealing with people helping.

It had helped bring him back from the brink, so maybe there wasn’t any harm in pursuing a little of that with Rodney's offer. If Carson was even willing to allow it, and if he didn't, John could understand. "They're all shaped like Mickey mouse," Rodney shrugged as he carefully flipped a two-eared pancake over and cooked it on the other side.

"Aye, it apparently makes them taste better," Carson said. "Toast for you, John."

He put a plate down in front of him and looked at the food, a little stunned by the way it was just there. No meager winter stores, no lean times, no trading for every mouthful or hauling in harvests.

"I managed to not even burn it, John," Carson prompted. "Spreads over there if you want them."

"Thanks." It was a bit much in terms of culture shock.

"So, I'm going to take Carson and Kaleb... Maddie do you want to help buy things for Christmas? We have to make cookies tomorrow, it's tradition and Mer, you’re taking John and Alex. Just make sure you get enough to see us through the storm that’s coming in."

"Enough what? Clothes and underwear or am I buying other things?" Rodney turned and carefully laid the first three pancakes melded into one giant mickey shape on Alex's plate, before he started another one. "Do I need a list?"

"Mer, you're the one who always says, Oh hey, I could just do with a pack of… whatever," Jeannie pointed out.

"Syrup!" Alex demanded, poking at his pancakes and at Carson’s look, added, "Please."

John was getting a feel for the way the parenting worked with Carson and Rodney although he suspected if Alex wasn't so bright he would be terribly over protected.

"Good, lad." Carson approved. "We can make a list of things before we go."

"I probably need help remembering what I'll need," John said, having noticed Alex brighten at the talk of a list.

"I can help with a list! I can write and *everything*."

"Yes, but are both groups going to the grocery store, or?" Rodney gestured vaguely with his spatula.

"You go clothes shopping for John. Get what he needs, we'll take care of the rest... You'll just bring back extra's anyway," Jeannie said. "Do you have something aside from those pajamas for him to wear?"

Well, he could've gone out in public wearing pajamas, but it would've been awkward, John figured. Rodney looked at John, sizing him up as he started to slide another piece onto a plate. "Kaleb, can he borrow some of your clothes? We have the same shoe size, so you get my boots."

"Sure," Kaleb answered and John couldn't help but notice that Rodney seemed to have gotten over any lingering resentment to his brother-in-law. "After the pancakes we'll go take a look, see what we've got."

"I appreciate it," he said with his best manners. "After the pancakes.”

---

His life has taken a surreal turn.

On one hand, he was struggling to be normal. To just carry on and wedge John in, except that wasn't working. He'd gotten Alex into the backseat, strapped into his booster seat for his own safety, and then John had gotten into the passenger seat beside him, while Rodney buckled himself up and started the drive.

It just wasn't working. It *was* surreal, and Rodney decided to embrace that. "I guess it's been a while since you've been in a car, too."

"Pretty much," John answered laconically and his voice was at odds with his appearance. Funnily enough he didn't look any older, but he looked worn down, fragile and that wasn't something he could square in his head with John. "Pretty much fighters or a city."

"Was it a big city?" Alex asked from the backseat, headed turned to look out the window, which Rodney could only see because he'd glanced in the rear window.

"Were you staying with Teyla? We're going to have to talk later. I, I want to help."

"Yeah, it's a big city," John answered, and there was just something a little off about John. As if he was visiting a strange world on a mission and was charming the natives. "Yeah, eventually I caught up with Teyla and Ronon. Ronon's got a daughter now... Melina. Gonna be a looker when she gets older. And Teyla was pregnant when I left as well."

Teyla, pregnant. Well, it was less shocking than Rodney had expected the news to be and he hoped they were all well. Better than well. "Huh. I'm glad they're alive."

"We ever go back, Teyla'll be like an Empress or something. She was pretty much in charge of the alliance," John answered staring out of the window.

He could feel John slipping away. It was tangible, and baffling, because he'd just gotten there, just come back, and he was further away than ever for somehow who'd just come back from the dead to them. "I'm sorry we didn't look for you." It came out in a blurt and it wasn't something Alex needed to hear, but…

John flashed him a sudden surprised look as if that was the last thing that had occurred to him. "Rodney, it's okay. I knew that. You saw me pretty much die. That's a good reason for not coming after me."

"We, and by we, I mean the team and Carson, went out and searched the uh, area for you. Looking for you." For his body and they hadn't found it, which Rodney had thought meant that John had been desiccated away. "And about what I said last night, Carson and I talked about it and the offer still stands."

John reacted with a pause of silence and then spoke. "Carson agrees?" he asked. "If you're both sure I'd like to try. On the understanding that, well I don't mess stuff up for you guys."

"Is John coming to live with us?" Alex asked from the back of the car, sounding hopeful.

"Yes." Then Rodney glanced to John again, and added, "Yes? We had Elizabeth stay with us for a few months after her lease expired at her apartment, while she got herself together." The whole process had taken Elizabeth almost two years, from start to halting finish, but she was brilliant and Carson hadn't wanted depression and stress to pull her down. "Not that we're just offering for a few months, this isn't some weird post-college until you get back on your feet thing."

"It isn't?" That did seem to surprise John and he was actually looking at him again which was good and also distracting because he'd forgotten about John's eyes and what they could do to him. "Tell me about the others? I want to know if they are okay."

Of course he would. That was more like *his* John.

That was more like the John who'd gone missing, who Rodney had missed. "Radek's working at the SGC again. He was at Area 51, but transferred back. Lorne's commanding a team. I telecommute and go in on certain days of the week. Carson is the reluctant CMO." And it worked. Alex had plenty of attention and near full time supervision and hands on learning.

"Reluctant huh?" John smiled a little. "I remember him being possessive about his infirmary. Still playing prime not prime with Zelenka? Lorne been promoted yet? How about Elizabeth, what's she doing?"

"She's going out and negotiating treaties. On a team, ala Daniel Jackson. I spend very little time out in the field now." And with good reason, though the base itself could be just as deadly at the end of the day. "Zelenka's great in the lab. Better than before, seeing as he's been sort-of seeing Elizabeth. A lot of the mission is still with the SGC."

That seemed to provoke more quietness and thought. "They're probably going to want to hold on to me, only..." John hesitated. "I'm not sure if I can keep doing it anymore."

And that was eerily similar to how Carson had been after his alien abduction incident. And this was John, who could tolerate pretty much anything.

"Then take some time off. And by some, I mean a few months. They did it for Carson," Rodney commented quietly. "And we can talk about that later."

John was still looking at him as if he wanted to say more but from the way his eyes flicked to where Alex was, he obviously was holding back. "Carson had time off?" he asked.

"Carson was on a very long mission that he didn't agree to. By the way, some of the mission's old allies have a new, uh, healthier look." Rodney glanced at Alex again in the rear view mirror and Alex waved vaguely.

"Stuffs dads can't talk about, I know. Military stuffs. And I'm not allowed to join until I'm 18 and stupid enough to sign up for it."

"I take it that's a quote huh?" John answered. "Speaking as someone stupid enough to sign up."

"Not that you're stupid. You wanted to fly, the Air Force is the best way to fly. I just said it to... well, we go to all the work functions, a lot of them are over here, and Jeannie wanted him to not just assume that the military was for everyone. And Alex, what word aren't you allowed to say?"

"Not allowed to call people stupid?" Alex half asked hopefully. "Even if Dad does."

John smiled a little at that. "Problem is, compared to him, we can't really call it a lie."

"No, see, that is a lie. I've talked with your family, John. Math genius pretending to be less smart than you are, oh no, you can't get away with that any more. You're disgustingly well socialized for a math nerd." He hoped that the nerd part went over well with John, but he was -- all stories from John's past pointed to that.

"Look, on my own," John started saying and then had to pull up another smile. "You would've laughed, Rodney. I had to be the McKay of the operation. That fact alone might explain the five years."

He glanced briefly at John then eyes back to the road. "You were?"

"Yeah. I take back at least half of the times I was pushing you to get something done in a hurry," John answered. "Y'know, even I was amazed I remembered as much as I did from what you were doing. Good job you like to talk stuff out to yourself."

"Really? What did you..." Shit, he couldn't finish the question, and just kept his eyes on the road even though the idea of talking that out excited him. Because John, with a brain and admitting to it, talking about some of his scientific experiences in Pegasus was almost irresistible. "We'll talk about this later."

"Okay," John said and he had a faint smile as if he had achieved something there.

"I can do algebra!" Alex contributed even if he stumbled a little over the word. "Dad showed me how. It's easy!"

"Easy huh?" John asked. "Why don't you tell me how you do it?"

"It's a real number system. A plus B, equals B plus A. And if it's AB equals X, then I can divide AB by A, and X by A, and then B equals X divided by A."

It warmed Rodney's heart to hear Alex going on like that, meaning it and understanding it, but still able to enjoy everything he came across, from games to sledding, to riding in the back seat of the car.

And thank god Alex was relatively calm when they were out shopping.

John managed to ask sensible, relaxed questions even as they got there and parked then started shopping.

The first stop was clothes and John unsurprisingly headed for black. And when he came out wearing it, even with his worn look, he looked like a supermodel.

It was just a department store, just a normal men's store with the chair outside of the fitting room, where Rodney could sit and wait for John to step out and model a little, while he kept Alex on a short leash. It was a shame Jeannie had vetoed his proposal to put Alex on an actual leash. "Everything you've tried on looks disgustingly good, if that was what you were looking for?"

"You know me," John said. "That's what it was all about." He looked sardonic. They had several bags full now. "What else should I get?"

"Well, you have shoes, pants, shirts, underwear... you need a wristband and a haircut. But I sort of like your way past regulations style." Alex tried to do a handstand on the arm of the chair Rodney was sitting on.

"Presents! Need to get presents!" Alex pointed out. "That's what you said."

"He has a point," John agreed. "I ought to get something for all of you."

"No, John. You came back. That's plenty of gifts and we weren't expecting you, so..." John was already turning back towards the dressing room, and hell. They could just scan the tags of what he was wearing at the checkout and call it a day right there, no changing back into Kaleb's ill-fitting clothes.

"McKay..." The tone was so familiar, so much John it nearly took his breath away but whatever reaction he had was short circuited by Alex piping up "Yes?" and John nearly choking on a strange rusty sounding laugh.

It caught Rodney by surprise, too and he grinned as he stood up. "Look, we'll wander the mall for a little while, if that's what you want. And pay for that. We can hit the food court, get ice cream..."

"I just want to get something. I know I don't have to but, I want to," John said. "Alex can help. And yeah the food court sounds good."

"I want to help!" Alex hopped up and down, swapping legs, while Rodney picked up a handful of bags and reached for Alex's hand with his other hand.

"Oh yeah, we're in for it now. Alex will find little fiddly things no matter what store you go into."

"Great. I love that stuff," John answered, picking up bags and moving with a limp towards the checkout.

The weird thing was, shopping with John and Alex was like having two kids. They both got excited about the same toys, said wow and cool about the same things and had a disturbing tendency to agree on things that went fast, blew things up and generally shiny things. It meant the shopping part went easily, it was in the food court John started to look wild around the eyes.

Too many people, was Rodney's first assumption, or too many choices. He started to herd Alex and John back towards the back of the court, where he could set up 'camp' and get John to some clear air.

John was looking shaky, pale and he was flinching at sudden loud noises near to them but still, stupidly, stupidly he was insisting he was 'fine'.

"I'm okay," John insisted again. "No big deal."

"No big deal, sure, right. Here, you sit here with Alex." He walked them closer to the potted plants, and decided that that was as good a place as any to put bags down in a chair and leave John and Alex. "And I'll get the ice-cream."

"Alex and I are just fine," John said. "Just my leg hurting a bit."

It wasn't. Rodney knew panic attacks when he saw one and John had that look. A tinge of blue to his lips, sheen of sweat on pale skin.

He knew that feeling because he'd had it himself, but as much of a tiny adult Alex was sometimes, he'd also begged for silly putty when they'd been in the store and a puzzle. He couldn't talk about panic attacks in front of Alex. "What kind do you--"

"Chocolate! And fruit! And sprinkles?"

"Make that two," John added. "And syrup. Lots of syrup." He coughed a little, probably because his throat felt tight.

"You need to make a list of things you want to see and do that you've missed," Rodney caught himself suggesting as he fished into his pocket. "I'll be back."

"Okay," John said. He'd be okay, he'd been through pretty bad stuff. Turning into a bug, flying nuclear bombs, all of that stuff and he'd just kept moving. Rodney really wanted to get him alone, ask him things that would bring back his John. There were glimmers and glints there under the surface.

But it was all under the surface, tucked away safely where John probably thought no-one could get to it. But he was interacting with Alex smoothly, so relaxed. Maybe telling him in that blurt had been a bad idea, but at least there hadn't been any more lost time that a careful workup would take.

By the time he got back, John was still pale but he and Alex were fiddling with a toy puzzle. "Huh, so which way now?" John was asking.

It was strange but John was good with kids. Surprisingly good. Or maybe he was just good with Alex but there was an ease of communication there.

It seemed effortless and it made Rodney smile as he edged in closer to them, completely unnoticed.

"Left," Alex directed, leaning in towards John. "Then up. Then, I think -- oh! Dad!"

"Hey," John said looking at him, waving just a little with a hand he could see was trembling. "We've nearly solved the puzzle we are giving to Kaleb."

He was definitely going to have to get Carson to look John over again.

"If it takes two of you, then Kaleb's going to be at it a while." Rodney pulled out the chair on John's other side, sliding heaped up wide paper cups of ice-cream at both of them.

"That's the idea. Apparently Alex is going to help me wrap them all up for you," John said even as he took a spoon and hesitated before trying a spoon of the gooey encrusted ice-cream. "You get one for yourself or are you going to help me out?"

"Oh, uh." Shit, he'd been distracted thinking about and looking over his shoulder at them. "Slipped my mind."

"Help me out here then. Not sure I can take too much at once anyway," John said. "Besides, it’ll be like old times."

"What's like old times?" Alex chirped up.

"Your dad stealing my desserts," John answered.

"I used to thieve his jello," Rodney agreed, offering John the spoon first. "I used to thieve a lot of your food."

"Carson tells me off when I do that!" Alex complained.

"He used to tell your dad off too," John said. "But I used to get extra helpings knowing he'd steal some."

"Which makes it not really thieving," Rodney offered, watching John take a taste first.

"In a manner of speaking," John replied with a smile. The look on his face was close to orgasmic as he took a mouthful. "This is pretty good."

"Dad? Do you get things knowing I'll get some too?" Alex asked as he took a mouthful.

"Usually, yes. If it's good and something you'd eat. Like... breadsticks," Rodney offered, watching them both. John's face was too blissful, too long-deprived of enjoyable things.

John groaned a little. "You realize you have doomed yourself to years of him stealing food from you," he warned.

"Is not stealing , Dad said so," Alex replied licking his spoon.

"This is not an excuse to stand in the pantry and snack randomly out of bags, Alex." He cleared his throat a little, hinting that he knew what Alex did when he needed a snack, trying to hide it.

"Aw...." Alex whined a bit but he couldn't complain with an ice-cream in front of him.

"Here, have some," John encouraged.

The spoon was coming towards him and Rodney caught himself smiling as he opened his mouth a little. "Did I get it coated in enough syrup?"

"I'm not sure I actually found any ice-cream yet under the toppings," John said giving him the spoonful and then looking a bit awkward about the gesture.

"I like the toffee flavors," Alex contributed, already getting messy. "Auntie Jeannie says you only feed me on unhealthy food and we should be vegetarian too."

"Pffft. We get lots of healthy food. Carson makes sure of that," Rodney smiled as he got a little of the ice-cream for himself, all of it into his mouth before he tried to clean the spoon to hand back to John.

John gestured for him to have more. "I can imagine."

"We have broccoli!" Alex announced as if it was something to be proud of. "We put it in a cheese sauce and it tastes good. Jeannie says we can have that with Christmas dinner. Dad says she has to do a turkey for us."

It made Rodney want to wilt. "Not that I'm holding her at shotgun point, but she's more likely to cave now that you're here. Oh! If you want something else with dinner, I can call and tell her..."

"Something else?" John looked at him. "I thought this was dinner?" He looked a bit stunned.

"Noo, it's a treat," Alex said still digging in. "Dinner later."

"Right, okay," John was looking at him directly then and it was like he could see how lost he was. It was only his second day back and Rodney guessed there were five years of habits to deal with.

"Alex behaves when we shop and he gets a treat," Rodney shrugged as he explained it sotto voce. "And usually by the time we're done with whatever we came out for, we're all cranky and pissed off and need the sugar."

John nodded as if remembering this. "Not used to the whole lots of food thing," he said. "That's going to take a while to come back."

Of course, they had been out there with no MREs, no nothing. He'd gone a bit junk food mad when he'd got back as well so it would be even worse for John.

"I always behave," Alex said making considerable in roads into his treat.

Rodney handed the spoon mindfully back to John. "Usually, you do. You'll get used to it, eventually," Rodney encouraged. "When I got back, I went on a binge about three weeks after we came home."

John had some more but he didn't look inclined to binge. He just savored the taste with a concentration that was almost embarrassing.

"It's snowing,” Alex announced, pointing dramatically at people walking through the mall with fresh snow still clinging to their coats. Those were the moment that always gave Rodney a glow. Alex could just pursue logical conclusions like that easily.

At four. he could also talk coherently and go on and on about math, but it was times like that, the little proofs of abstract understanding that made Rodney's heart warm. "Must be snowing hard if they still have it on them. Or they parked waaay out in the parking lot."

"If it’s snowing hard, we better not hang out for too long," John said. "Don't want to get cut off from the--"

He cut himself off and Rodney knew that John had been about to say 'from the Stargate'. He watched John eat some more to cover his near gaffe and wondered if that had happened. Five years, that was a 'long' time and in Pegasus drama could happen every day.

Every damn day, five years, 365 Earth days in an Earth year, so that was the possibility for a minimum of thousand, eight hundred and twenty five unique dramas, and probably more. "You're not going to be cut off from anything."

"I know," John said after another mouthful, pushing the dessert over to him. "Sorry, I don't think I'm used to the rich food."

"I'll eat it!" Alex offered.

"I guess it was a good thing that I only got two," Rodney mused, leaning back in his chair a little. "If I bring you home all strung out on sugar, Alex, Carson won't forgive me."

"So I'm seeing a trend here. Carson keeps the pair of you in line huh?" John commented.

"He tells Dad what he should do," Alex said. "But Dad doesn't listen that often."

"When was the last time that I didn't listen to him, hmn?" Rodney ate a spoonful of goo over chocolate ice-cream.

"Alla time," Alex gestured with his spoon and a glob of ice-cream went flying onto John's face. "Oops!"

John wiped it off. "That's okay. Didn’t hit anything important."

Rodney reached for a wad of napkins to try to wipe at John's face. "This is why sugar and you are a bad combination."

John smiled a little at him but he did look a bit uncomfortable and genuinely nauseous and had that feel to him which Rodney remembered as being 'I need out now, but I've got to be polite'.

"Aw, Dad..." Alex complained. "I wanna play ‘n the snow. Maybe we'll get snowed in the car!"

"No, no, don't say that..." Rodney waved a hand slightly as he stood up. "In fact, we could go home now to avoid most of the snow. John?"

"Yeah, yeah that would be good." John answered, pushing himself up very unsteadily. "If... if you're both done as well?"

"We're done," Rodney said decisively, sliding his extra ice-cream into Alex's bowl and then tipping the first bowl upside down over Alex's. "There we go, a sealed ticking time bomb of sugar for you, Alex. We'll put it in the freezer when we get home and you and Maddie can polish it off later."

Alex brightened at that thought and there was no trouble getting him to get up, run around - that bit was Alex's contribution - and get back to the car.

John on the other hand was walking like an old man as they braved the mall again to get to the car. Initially it was hidden by the bags he was carrying but he definitely looked like he was gritting his teeth as they got in the car.

He finally gave up, reached for John with a hand on his arm. "Are you all right? Because you don't look all right."

"Too damn rich," John gritted out. "Stomach cramps. I'm f- I'm... really stupid. Should've known. I just want to lie down and let it pass."

That was it. Rodney made sure John was buckled in, made sure that Alex was still safely seat belted in, and he turned the car on fast and backed out. "We're taking you home and you don't have to do the silent stoic thing, John, it's really not a good idea.”

"What's wrong with John?" Alex chirped up.

"I'm fine," John said automatically, hand pressing to his side as if that would help. "Cramps. Ever eaten too much or something... too rich, Alex?"

"It's a stomach ache," Rodney said quietly, peeling his way out of the parking lot. "John needs to rest and lay down."

"Oh. I had a stomach ache once. Dad says I was too young to remember it but I do remember.," Alex started on one of his rambling tales that took in the scenic sights of his life to date including the time they had Lost Monticore and that the tiger could cure a stomach ache and if he couldn't then Carson could because he did all of that and he brought his dad chicken soup when they were ill which was not like normal chicken soup and there was bread and...

And John just answered with encouraging sounds and monosyllables.

He was trying and Rodney appreciated that, but he didn't have to try. He didn't have to and it hurt Rodney to see John faking it so badly just to keep Alex from being concerned. "Carson can make John some of that special chicken soup," Rodney assured, pulling into the parallel parking space in front of Jeannie's house.

"I'll go tell them!" Alex said wriggling a bit.

"Yeah, okay," John said, swallowing even as he tried getting out of the car the moment they stopped. "I think I'm gonna camp in the bathroom a while," he warned.

“Upstairs bathroom is better for it," Rodney declared, turning the car off before he twisted around to pop open Alex's seatbelt. "Here, go run in the house and get Carson."

"Okay!" He was off like a blur into the house, powered by sugar and John visibly wilted.

"Hey you remember the… Planet of the Not-actually-strawberries, no matter how much they taste like them?" John said. "This is... a bit like that."

"You'll need the chicken soup afterwards," Rodney decided and if John said anything else for a moment, Rodney missed it because he turned the car off and got out of the driver's seat, moving around to the passenger side.

"Yeah well, I'm pretty pissed that there's all this food and I want it but..." He nearly staggered and clutched hold of Rodney. "Shit." The front door slammed and Carson was hurrying out to them without a coat on and with his boots half wedged on.

"Alex said John is ill? Bloody hell, John, if you fell over in the snow we wouldn't find you, you're that pale," Carson said.

"Stomach pains. Probably rich food," John said tersely.

"There was ice-cream," Rodney explained as he started to help John hobble into the house. "And people and stress, and I'm sorry, John, I shouldn't have just dragged you out like that."

"I wanted to go," John said. "Should be able to deal."

Carson was on his other side. "John, I think it's pretty obvious your body has been under terrible stress for a long period of time. I would be very surprised if you didn't have some form of Combat Stress disorder."

"Whatever it is, it sucks," John said succinctly.

"It does suck," Rodney agreed as he bumped the front door open with his free arm. "But that doesn't make it any less existent."

"Or less serious," Carson said as they pushed inside. "Up the stairs and I'll see what I've got to help you out. You probably need a lie down as well."

John wasn't fighting that suggestion either.

At least he and Carson knew how to carry a semi dead-weight body up stairs. They did it carefully, barely having to pause, because the sooner John was somewhere that he could be sick in private, the better.

They barely made it to the bathroom before John practically lunged for the toilet and started retching. Carson steadied him and looked at Rodney. "Can you get my bag, love? I've got a few things in it?"

"Sure." He was pretty sure Alex was going to follow them, unless Jeannie had pre-empted that by grabbing him by the arm. He wasn't even sure Jeannie was home yet and how was that for analytical thinking? "Alex?"

Sure enough, their curious nearly five year old was in the hall outside, looking anxious. "Is John okay?" he answered in a small voice. "Did I make him sick?"

Rodney grabbed up Carson's bag. "No, you didn't make him sick. He came here sick and we're all going to try to make him better. Can you wait out here while I get Carson his bag?"

"Can I help?" Alex asked. "I can get the bag?"

"You're going to help me unload the car real quick, so no-one steals it." Rodney tried to sooth, before he turned to head back to the bathroom.

"Okay," Alex answered a little subdued, following them.

It was probably very scary for Alex, but Rodney could still hear John retching when he walked back in, holding the bag out for Carson. "Alex and I are going to empty the car and lock everything up. I'll be back in a few."

"We'll be fine here," Carson replied taking the bag. "Take your time and ask if Jeannie if she has any spare hot water bottles or warmers? They'll help."

"There’s one under the sink cupboard," Rodney said aloud, leaning in for a moment to put a hand on the back of John's shoulders for a moment.

He could feel it when John tried to answer and threw up instead.

"If you could get that for me that would be great," Carson asked.

"Yeah, right. Right." He pulled away after one last lingering pet against John's back, and headed into the hallway again to see the wounded look on Alex's face.

"Carson will make him better?" he asked hopefully. "He said he wasn't well but..." He literally ran and clung to Rodney. "Dad, make John be okay!"

"Uhmph, right." Rodney knelt down and scooped Alex up to hold him tight against his hip. He wasn't sure where the worried sensitive side of Alex came from, but Carson nurtured it, and Rodney worked hard to not stamp it down the way his own parents had, the way that John's parents had done to John, crushing down his impulses. "You're coming with me. It's just a bad stomach-ache, Alex. He’s going to be all right. We're just getting your Aunt Jeannie's hot water bottle."

“Will that help?" Alex remained clingy. “Will that make him better?"

"It might take some time. He might have... a lot of stomach aches," Rodney advised as he started to tromp down the stairs. He was off balance, Alex balanced carefully on one hip with his other hand on the stair railing.

He was worried himself, but for Alex he could pull himself together. They still didn't know what John had been through or how bad it was going to be, but he was sure that Carson would fix it given time, for all his voodoo science.

That was what Carson did. That was what he did. It was Carson's best skill, fixing them all.

---

It could be night or day, John wasn't sure. He kept waking up but not properly. One time he'd woken practically flailing and to his surprise he'd been steadied by Carson's soft words and strong arms until he slept again.

This time he woke and his stomach muscles were sore but he had finally kept something down and he felt like he was at least a little awake.

He'd had a good day and change of high activity, and then he'd just crashed and probably lost a day or two to being sick with Rodney and Carson in turns just being there, trying to do whatever it seemed like he needed.

The really annoying thing was that he wasn't fighting anymore, he wasn't scrabbling for food to be shared out through a settlement. He could relax and eat what he wanted and he'd enjoyed it right up to the stomach pains. And out with so many people had been a strange ordeal because he could feel himself looking for danger, threats, all of it, every moment. What really worried him was the strange sensation that he was twisted up as tight as he could get with regard to fighting. One more pressure and he didn't know what the hell would happen.

But there wasn't one more pressure. There wasn't any pressure at all and Rodney was the one leaning into the room just then, voice quiet when he said, "Hey. You okay."

"Hey." John shifted up focused and dislodged a cooled down hot water bottle. "Yeah, not so bad now," he admitted.

"It's still early," Rodney murmured. "Five AM early. It's also Christmas Eve, which somehow means that Alex is downstairs on the sofa with Carson watching DVDs of Muppets to keep him from running around."

"And you're in here?" John said. "There should be sleeping?" He turned to peer at Rodney.

"I'm here because I had a foot in my kidney because Gonzo's chickens are *that* funny, and I think that brain damaged sense of humor is all your fault," Rodney stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

"Cm'here," John answered, wanting someone close. He wondered if Rodney knew how Carson had laid behind him and held onto him.

Rodney moved slowly, kneeling down onto the bed then stretching out beside him. "I missed you."

"Yeah. Kinda missed you guys," John said. Ridiculously missed him. Them. Everyone. He grimaced a little. "Didn't think I was coming back."

"I thought you were dead. We're lucky I didn't name Alex, John." He shifted, slipped his arms around John in an uneasy, wary way.

"You hardly ever called me John," John said. "He's… he's a great kid."

And he couldn't believe he was his father. He wanted to be his father, but he didn't know how. "He is. He's half your genetics and he likes you a lot, and I really want this to work, John..." Rodney stayed close, wasn't really moving.

"So do I." John admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I’m having problems making things feel real. Feels weird."

"You'll feel real eventually. The disconnect. Carson says that's a symptom." Rodney moved and his arms flexed. Still strong and maybe Rodney was manlier than he'd been when John had last seen him, which was kind of funny for the back of John's mind. That Rodney was so clearly male and that he'd carried a child, kept a pregnancy, when Rodney had gone on and on about his sister and Madison.

"World's moved on without me," John murmured and reached for Rodney without thinking. "I keep thinking of everything I've missed, all the things no one knows about. And the way I didn't belong there without you. I just couldn't. "

"It doesn't mean that you can't move on with us. I want to..." Rodney's voice was pitched so low, so quiet. "What can I do to help you?"

"Help me remember who I am," John said, not sure of what he was asking exactly. "Talk to me like we used to, give me something to hang on to."

He hated being alone, hated the isolation that hollowed him out and here he felt at once surrounded and lonely because he was a stranger.

"We never exactly laid together in bed, hugging," Rodney pointed out. "If I'd known what your taste in pajamas was then, I would have mocked you for it."

“C'mon, we slept in the same tent plenty of times. And the puddlejumper. And a few caves," John answered. "And...up a tree I think. Besides, I was wearing your equation pajamas. Difficult for you to complain, even if the equations don't solve."

"I kept catching myself trying to solve them at 3 am when I couldn't sleep. They're from Carson's mum." Rodney exhaled, and John could feel his closeness and warmth, breath hot against John's skin. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Don't know," John admitted. "Not sure where to start."

He really didn't know what would make things click again. "I'm not good at this. Ask me something. I just want to hear your voice."

"How did you get the city back, John?" and it wasn't a de-briefing voice, it was tinged with awe and real curiosity.

"Took us all that time to figure an anti-Replicator weapon. Todd the Wraith worked it out after I went and got him a dormant sample in popsicle Niam," John said. "He... well he coded it into me so it would work through the ATA interaction with technology. I flew the Sweetheart there, punched through the shield and crashed in the gate room and Oberon stuck his hand in my head and the whole damn lot disintegrated."

"That's..." Rodney's fingers moved on John's stomach, idle. "That's so disgustingly easy sounding? We're still struggling with the Ori, and Carson saved the Asgard, but you saved the whole of Pegasus. Are all the Wraith gone?"

He huffed a near laugh. "Yeah sounds easy." But it was anything but easy, any of it. "There was, there was a big showdown between the Wraith and the Replicators and everyone else pitching in. I took our fleet there and extended the cloak around them from Atlantis. Wraith were nearly wiped out and at the end, and I was going to finish the war by crashing on Asuras, let them take me but Ford did it. Ford did it so I would come home."

His voice went inexplicably tight and rough and he could *hear* Ford’s last words as clearly as if he was standing there saying them.

"You found Ford." Rodney exhaled hard then. "Jesus, you found Ford. I'm sorry. You just under-state everything. You did that when we were there in the city on the expedition."

"I, I found him, yeah," John closed his eyes for a moment. "I don't know how else to explain things. He was a sonuvabitch to get off of the enzyme. He was the one who had found the Sweetheart, though. That really turned things around for us because we had the ZPM from the cloning factory to power her."

"There was a cloning factory." Rodney repeated that and then added, "See, now I feel out of the loop. You ran solo missions for five years, didn’t you?"

He had to think. "Uh, not quite that long," he admitted. "I was with the Wraith for a few months after the Replicators took Atlantis. Then we had to find a puddlejumper and I had to fix it. Then we found Niam, took him to the Wraith, started forming a real alliance, running ops with the Genii and others. One of those was the cloning factory and that's where we bumped into Ford. Then we found the Sweetheart. Guess I didn't start flying her…"

He did a mental calculation and surprised himself. "Maybe three years?"

"You ran solo missions for three years and you wonder why you're a mess. Do you remember how tense and messed up we all were after a week of the go go go? I remember."

John shrugged a little. He did remember, all too well. "Teyla and Ronon got pretty pissed with me," he said, his hand finding contact with Rodney. "The Sweetheart, she tries to help you out when you're in there, like the biofeedback on the command chair? But once you're out..."

It was like slitting his wrists and letting energy bleed out in a gush.

"It all fell apart again." Rodney's hand was hesitant for a moment, but he clutched back at John's fingers. "You don't have to do that anymore."

"I know, it's just..." John gripped those fingers back. "Habit I guess."

He'd spent a lot of time thinking what he might say if he got the chance, and here he was blowing it or finding it was superseded with other circumstances.

"Problem is, I don't know what else to do," he said.

"Take some time off. Go academic for a while? Or go back to the SGC," Rodney suggested quietly. "Or take some time off and then go to the SGC."

"Yeah well, right now I can't even manage a shopping trip," John replied with disgust at himself. "And all my workings have been on the fast and loose side of getting something done. It ... it always took me a long time to do something I knew you would've done in minutes."

"Because I'm a scientist. You're not. The fact that you did any of this, it's amazing, John. You *did* these things you were never trained for."

"Ronon would laugh at me when I'd tell him to stop interrupting so I could get something done," John said with a smile. "Hey, I got something out of Kolya in the end. Managed to not kill the bastard and got a hyperspace control crystal for the jumper out of it."

He didn't really expect for Rodney to go stiff and still beside him. "Huh."

Shit. Shit, he'd not remembered. Kolya had raped Rodney and that was ten times worse than torture by Wraith. Five years and he’d managed to finally push that out of his conscious thoughts.

"Damn, Rodney, shit, sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

It was a hell of a time to finally push that out of his conscious awareness. "Just, just keep talking, it's okay. I haven't thought about him in a while."

"I didn't want to work with him but it was the only way to bring in all the Genii and their allies," John said. "Which was a pretty big federation. Apparently though, Teyla was technically in charge, and don't tell Elizabeth this, but there were times when she completely outclassed her. People were willing to sign up because *I* had no private agenda for my world or whatever," John explained. "Just getting rid of the Replicators and the Wraith, even if they were leery about Todd."

"Todd is...?" Ah, there were pieces to fill in about what had happened, but Rodney was still stiff, anxious feeling.

"Uh, the Wraith we escaped with?” John said. "I called him Todd. He uh, turns out Wraith can push life back into people as well as suck it. He did that after I got shot, but the bullets were still in there so they had to get them out... the Wraith worshippers. Kept me high on drugs for nearly a month or more. He'd gone off looking for his Hive and left me there."

"And you couldn't get to the gate." If he had, they would have opened the gate for him, probably with a ring of Marines at the ready.

"Strictly controlled gate access. Todd came back and took me with him as his lhamorata," John grimaced a little. "A Wraith version of a pet. It was appearance only but sometimes playing the part took things close to the edge."

"How long did that go on for?” Rodney’s fingers moved a little, shifting and then squeezing John's hand again.

“Not sure. Until two of Todd's rivals decided to try and torture information out of me." John nearly twitched at the memory. He hadn't told Teyla or Ronon the details of that and he wasn't going to go over it now. "Then Todd said he was going to have to let me go to protect me. He gave me supplies and set me loose."

"And then you found Teyla and Ronon?" Eventually, yeah. Maybe sometime he could tell Rodney about the torture. "You realize you're shortening years of events into a few sentences."

"Pretty much," John shrugged. The immediacy of worrying about where the next meal was coming from, recovering from this or that or anything else, dealing with people, retraining himself to actually *think* and remember the things Rodney talked about. That had been a daily struggle. "Hey, you know what? Ford used to tell them stories about you. There's a whole generation of Pegasus kids growing up with the heroic stories of McKay, Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon."

"Huh, a whole new mythology. Jackson will have a field day with that." Rodney shifted, knee pressing against the back of John's knee. That was comfortable.

"It was pretty weird,” John admitted. "They'd all be talking about Sheppard and I'd be there thinking, hey, technically that's me. But it didn't feel like me. They never connected it with the guy they jumped all over."

"This is where I should make a joke about your less than impressive looks," Rodney laughed a little and then muffled a yawn. "Do you feel up to coming downstairs and doing not much of anything today?"

"Yeah, I've stopped cramping. Even managed to keep down the toast," John answered. "I can watch DVD's with the best of them."

He paused a moment. "I'm not good at this Rodney, never have been. But, I thought about you pretty much continuously for five years. I didn't even know what I wanted until I didn't have it. I'd leave... I'd leave everything for a shot at it. At you."

"This isn't... it's complicated. Do you think that *I'm* any good at this? And I love Carson. He kept me together. He still does."

"I know." He did know, and he could see it. Rodney was an infinite amount more together, less strung out, more content with Carson. "He's good for you. He's better than I could ever be for you, I can see that. That wasn't something I thought about. And he's being so damn good to me I. shit, Rodney, no one could hate Carson. No one should."

"When you came back? I mean, we'd just carted you up here and fed you, and he pulled me into the bathroom to ask if I wanted him to leave now. Which is stupid, but... I mean, we had, have plans. Sort of. Did I mention this is complicated and that I find relationships ten thousand times more exhausting than fixing programs?"

"Jesus, no, Carson shouldn't think that," John said wide eyed. No, that wasn't what he intended at all. "Relationships are tricky, I'm not good at them. In fact, it says something that I have to be on the verge of some sort've breakdown to talk about them this much."

"You probably are on the verge of some breakdown. We all need therapy. I hope a sort of quiet domestic life isn't going to bother you. Sure, work is still, well, it's still the SGC. It’s all verge of the moment life or death work, always has been, but at the end of the day, coming home to a home, it makes a huge difference."

"We used to have that," John answered. "In Atlantis." He exhaled. "You sure you want me cluttering up your life? I can find an apartment near you and do it that way?"

"We have room." Rodney's fingers shifted again, a restless motion. "So, uh. Apparently you're not bothered by the idea of being with men, huh?"

"Uh." That's right, that hadn't really come up before they left. "No?" he said trying to sound innocent.

"And the fact that I'm, uh..." Rodney's fingers shifted. Somehow, conversations like that *were* easier when it was too dark in the room to see the other person's face.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised," John replied. "But hey, you're the one who pointed out the sex with a glowing squid Ancient. And some of the allies were pretty free and easy with sex. Not that I got to have much of a go."

"It's taken me a while to get comfortable with it myself," Rodney shrugged. "Just, I needed to check."

"Technically lhamorata have sex with their Wraith masters," John said blandly, even if they hadn't gone *that* far. That he really recalled. "So gay and interspecies. If I could deal with that prospect. Rodney, I'm pretty open minded about stuff like that."

"How do... Wraith actually do that, because I don't think we ever had the time to work that part out." It was a random curious question, but less into touchy territory.

"They have… bits. And erogenous zones on their hands - feeding hands," John replied. He had done a bit of that in public as it was half expected. "They have a lot of mindsex and uh yeah, the Queen thing is really weird. It's like the Hive ship or outpost is an extension of her? And she can reproduce and then deposit the equivalent of Wraith larvae into cocoons to grow. "

"That's disgustingly like something the Goa'uld would do," Rodney murmured. "Bits. That just figures, the whole feeding hand as sex organ, that just... figures." There was motion, leg on leg, while Rodney stretched sleepily. "We could go downstairs and do bland, but home-made food.”

"That sounds good," John murmured. "Christmas Eve. I've gotta wrap presents." He didn't let go of Rodney though.

“Not at 6 am, you don't." They weren't really moving, not yet, but there was the suggestion of it. That they should, probably.

John shifted a little, up onto his side. "Rodney?" he murmured just for a moment want this all to himself. Just for a moment.

"Mmm?" Rodney half-heartedly half-sat up.

"Think I need some motivation here," he said leaning close, wanting to kiss, wanting just that one hoped for thing in the comparative quiet.

He could hear Rodney exhale and Rodney leaned up, leaned into him, a hand reaching for his shoulder. "I might be able to."

Just one kiss, just one to know if there was something worth trying for. A kiss, a touch of lips to lips and at first he felt nothing but warmth. But then, there it was, a reaction, a feeling burning like fire. He wanted to do it more often, wanted to feel Rodney's hand on the back of his neck again, wanted to feel Rodney rolling him onto his back more than just that once.

It was a goal when he felt he had nothing to aim for, a need and want of his own, not for duty or redemption or anything else. It was a kiss of five years and a whole lot of blood, sweat and what should've been tears if he hadn't been too emotionally repressed for that, in the making. Yes, he was desperate and needy and that wasn't who he wanted to be but right now, that was the John Sheppard who was allowed to kiss Rodney, so he was going for it.

Rodney pulled back, breathing unsteadily, hand sliding down to the back of John's shoulders. "That's been a long time in the waiting."

"Yeah," John closed his eyes. "Yeah. Sorry for waiting this long. Guess that answers a lot of questions."

It meant he had reasons to try, to push through the barriers ahead of him. A reality that could outstrip a fantasy.

It could be good, just the sex, just the kisses, it could be so good, John knew that, and he wanted more of it. Rodney quirked a smile and laid back on the bed for a moment, smiling. "What questions?"

Possibly answering what he had to live for might put a downer on the moment so instead John said. "Always thought with all that talking what you could do with that mouth had to be worth waiting for." And then he smirked just a little for the first time in a long time. "Let’s go see if Carson has survived the movie."

"If we'll survive it," Rodney said as he started to sit up. "It's a pretty long DVD. Also, Muppets."

"You ever think Ronon reminded you of that one that played the drums?" John pushed up and managed to get to his feet and had forgotten the stiff leg. Ronon would’ve loved that, after he was done punching John in the shoulder for saying it in the first place. "Give me a hand here, Rodney.”

"Just a little," Rodney agreed as he reached his hand out to pull John in closer, up to standing. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I know what I want but, I better ask Carson what I can deal with," John answered, grabbing for a robe. "Don't want to be laid up for Christmas as well."

"Well, what do you want?" Rodney levered himself up standing and comfortable, pulling his sweatpants up at the back. "There might be a way to do it so you won’t get sick."

“Waffles," John grinned. "Pretty sure they'll be on the forbidden list for now. I'll settle for some weak coffee and toast. I can deal with toast."

It was amazing how much his mood had lifted just like that. One kiss and suddenly he was looking around for a future.

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