Chapter Text
September
JIHOON'S HEART BEATS soft and vulnerable, something he still hasn't gotten used to despite enduring it for so many years, and he thinks he could choke on his own feelings. Soonyoung's got the prettiest eyes, really. He's always known that. He thinks it might be worth mentioning.
"Stop," Soonyoung snickers, blushing. "I'm supposed to say cheesy shit like that, not you."
"I don't tell you these things enough, though."
"That's okay. I know you're thinking it, anyway."
Jihoon's laying on his bed, eyes turned up at the ceiling, and he scrunches his nose when Soonyoung pops his head over to block his view (the view being those ugly, peeling stick-on stars he still refuses to throw out). He reaches out to push that stupid - cute? - grin away, but Soonyoung only catches his hand and smiles harder.
"Bold of you to assume I think about these things," Jihoon mutters.
"But you do think about them, don't you?"
" ... Maybe."
Soonyoung giggles lightly and presses a kiss to the back of Jihoon's hand before letting it go, falling over to lay beside him, and Jihoon's left wondering when they got to be this way. The shift from a sensible, friendly distance to being completely enveloped in one another. It must have been slow and sudden all at once; like a blending of colors, and Jihoon can't remember transitioning from blue to purple to red entirely.
He just knows it hit him one day, and it's been making him feel weird things ever since. Weird, like, good. Like Soonyoung makes him feel really, really good.
"How are you?" Soonyoung whispers against the darkness of Jihoon's room. Soft words, so soft, but enough to wrap around Jihoon's heart and give it a squeeze. "And I mean it this time," he adds. "Don't tell me about your math exam again, or how hard you laughed when Mingyu fell out of his seat during lunch. How are you? I wanna know how you feel."
Jihoon's smile is hesitant, endeared, and he jokes, "You ready to psychoanalyze me? Tell me how my feelings can be chalked up to my Aries moon?"
"No," Soonyoung says, turning on his side. "I mean, maybe. But I also just care, you know? And I like hearing you talk."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Jihoon's glad it's dark in his room - there's an unmistakable heat crawling along his neck, spreading to his face, and the blue-grey static of their surroundings hides it. Or, he hopes it does. He'd rather not let Soonyoung see how flustered he is over something so small.
"I'm fine. A little stressed, but when am I not?" Jihoon says, and Soonyoung frowns.
"That's not good."
"I think it is, honestly. I run off stress. I wouldn't be motivated to get shit done, without it."
"Not true."
Soonyoung brings himself close, burrowing his head into Jihoon's chest, and Jihoon thinks he can feel the boy's smile pressed right up next to his heart. He runs one hand through his hair and another down the length of his spine, breathing deep.
Moonlight, moonlight poured all over him in the form of one lovely boy. It's comfortable.
"Not true," Soonyoung repeats. "I can motivate you, encourage you and all that. You don't need to pull yourself apart the way you do. It's not healthy, Jihoonie."
"You worry too much. I know my limits, I know when to stop."
"You might think so, but it doesn't always work like that. Things slip out of hand sometimes, and you end up pushing yourself too hard without meaning to. I know that. I've seen you do it."
Jihoon doesn't respond right away, he's too quietly enamored. He's always known this, convinced himself of it when he was in the fifth grade, but Soonyoung truly is the sweetest person alive. Too kind, too good. Jihoon can't say he's deserving. He just thinks he's lucky.
"It won't happen," he assures him softly. "Besides, I don't have to worry about university applications quite yet. I've got a little more time before the anxiety starts to set in." Soonyoung groans.
"Ugh, please don't bring up applications. Thinking about it makes me want to die."
Jihoon knows it's something they've both been dreading, a lot more than either of them have wanted to let on. The thought of the future, having to pack up and leave home, leave their families and everything they've ever grown up with. Starting the rest of their lives. It's nerve-wracking. Not to mention, he's not even sure he'll get into his top choices.
"Please," Soonyoung scoffs, "that's the least of your concerns. You could get into any college."
"Somehow I doubt that."
Soonyoung sits up when he speaks, looking at Jihoon from underneath knit eyebrows. "I mean it," he says. "You're so smart, you know that?"
"Sure. You tell me every day."
"Exactly. You've got the grades, the work ethic, you already know every teacher in that building is willing to write you a stellar letter of recommendation - and God, you're so talented, Jihoon. Any one of those fancy art schools would be lucky to have you."
"Well, you too," Jihoon says, and Soonyoung's expression turns blurry and embarrassed.
"I mean, that's questionable. But I guess we'll find out."
Jihoon tsks, "Don't be dumb, Soonyoung. You're incredible. They'd be crazy not to take you."
"You think so?"
Jihoon nods firmly, "I know so," reaching out to make grabby motions at Soonyoung. The latter rolls his eyes and mutters something about having a needy boyfriend, but lays his head down on Jihoon's stomach nonetheless. It's a comforting weight, like being filled with something warm and heavy. Like honey in his bones.
Jihoon could lay like this forever, he thinks. Just them alone; just them and cool air for company. Two heart exposed to the darkness, and they both belong to Soonyoung.
Two hearts, and one bothersome thought lingering on his conscious. It starts suddenly, like an itch he can't quite reach, and Jihoon frowns. Soonyoung notices and asks, "What is it?"
"They'd be crazy not to take you," he says, echoing himself. "You're gonna get in, Soonyoung. It's your dream school, you've been wanting to go there since you were a kid."
Soonyoung hums, "And?"
"You wouldn't turn it down, would you?"
"Obviously not."
"Right, obviously," Jihoon mumbles, mostly to himself. Soonyoung would trade the world for an opportunity like that, and Jihoon's not awful enough to ask him to. He wouldn't dream of taking that happiness away from him.
But Jihoon's not Soonyoung.
"It's a nice school," he says, "but not the one for me."
"That's valid."
" ... What's gonna happen to us, Soon?"
Jihoon can feel Soonyoung fall still against him, almost like every atom, every moving molecule in his body decided to freeze against the silence. And it's silence, then, that engulfs them. What will happen to them, their relationship? Jihoon doesn't think either of them had considered that up to this point. He kind of wishes he hadn't brought it up at all.
The thought of not being able to see Soonyoung every day, not being able to hold him and be held by him and have his voice right there with him - it weighs his chest down with something heavy enough to stop his breathing. It hurts, it hurts and he wasn't expecting it, but it does.
"You said it yourself," Soonyoung says after some time. "We don't have to worry about it yet. You've got stars in your eyes, Jihoonie, I'd rather talk about that."
Jihoon's okay with that. Here he's got Soonyoung - bright-eyed, cheerful Soonyoung, dotted with constellations and a smile painted pretty like Saturn's rings. Soonyoung, who he loves. Jihoon doesn't want to think about leaving him, not yet.
So he won't.
—
"New rule," Seungkwan says, "no holding hands while we're eating lunch together, even from under the table. It's gross, and I'm losing my appetite."
"Just because you can't - "
Soonyoung cuts off mid-sentence when Jihoon squeezes his hand, glaring at him from out of the corner of his eye.
"Nevermind," he mumbles, but he still refuses to untangle their fingers.
Jihoon was weird about the whole PDA thing when they first got together - no holding hands, no kissing, none where it'd be too terribly obvious - simply on account of his own shyness. You can imagine how much Soonyoung hated that for the first few weeks of their relationship.
Slowly, though, Jihoon became more accustomed to it. He's learned to like the feeling of Soonyoung leaning on him or kissing the top of his head, even if it is in front of other people. It's like, yes, he's mine, this is my boyfriend in case you didn't know, aren't I lucky?
It kind of makes his heart go fast, not that he would ever admit it out loud.
And maybe he's imagining it, but Seungkwan seems to be having the opposite thought process. While the others have never had any complaints, Seungkwan loves to turn his nose up at them. Not in a mean way, but, well. Jihoon would be lying if he said it didn't irk him a little bit. Soonyoung, even more so.
"Can someone please tell him to stop commenting on what we do?" Soonyoung asks through a mouthful of bread. Seungkwan just left to put his tray away, and Jihoon had braced himself for the inevitable bellyaching that would fill his momentary absence. He expected it, but he kicks Soonyoung under the table anyway.
"Leave him be."
"Come on, it bothers you, too. I know it does."
"He's clearly got his own thing going on, might as well let him figure it out. I won't step on any toes."
"Well, he's stepping all over mine."
Jihoon turns a look over at Soonyoung, lips pursed. He tries to keep his voice firm when he says, "Please, be nice," but it's hard not to go all soft when Soonyoung looks back at him. It's even worse when the boy has the nerve to pout at him.
"Uh, not that I'm siding with him or anything," Vernon starts, and Soonyoung rolls his eyes, "but, I mean ... you do kind of act like a married couple. Maybe he's just not comfortable with stuff like that."
Jihoon struggles to fight the color rising to his cheeks, while Soonyoung wastes no time shooting back a response.
"So what if we do? I don't think it's something worth complaining about, especially since he's supposed to be our friend. You know as well as I do that Seungkwan doesn't have a problem with affection, he just hates it when it's us."
Vernon gapes, looking torn between defending Seungkwan - they all know he lied when he said he wasn't siding with the boy - and agreeing with Soonyoung, because Soonyoung does have a point. Jihoon doesn't want to say anything, for the sake of neutrality, but it's true.
Vernon looks like he wants to say something, but Seungkwan's back already with a "What are we talking about?" and Soonyoung smiles tightly.
"I was telling everyone about how Capricorn tends to have a superiority complex. Really rubs people the wrong way, y'know?"
Seungkwan's eyebrows knit, but it's someone else who pipes up, "Man, what the hell?" and Soonyoung coughs.
"Oh, right. Sorry, Josh. I forgot."
It's Seungcheol who gets the conversation moving into safer waters - Jihoon can tell he's just as uncomfortable as he is - and that's that. He'll have to remind himself to bring it up with Vernon later, though.
He loves Soonyoung a whole lot. He doesn't want that to cause any issues.
—
Soonyoung's been grumbling for the last fifteen minutes, paying more attention to the heat of his own words than the telescope he's supposed to be setting up.
"I just don't see his problem? Like, sorry I'm in a happy relationship and you're not? Fucking beyond me what's got him acting so bitter - "
"You know what it is," Jihoon interrupts, placing a hand on Soonyoung's shoulder. He keeps his voice soft on purpose, trying to get the other to cool down a little. "You have to know."
" ... I don't think I do?"
"You said it yourself - we're in a happy relationship, he's not. How long has he been going after Vernon, do you think? Couple years, now?"
Soonyoung watches him steadily, squinting, before realization sets in. Jihoon's quick to defend himself, "I don't want to point any fingers, and I know I shouldn't assume things, but - "
"No, no. It would make sense, I guess."
"Yeah? I think ... I don't think he's got any issues with us, Soonyoung. Don't worry about that. Just, go easy on him? Don't be so aggressive?"
"How can I - "
"I know you get frustrated, I know. But you gotta be understanding, too. Maybe try talking to him one-on-one, if it's bothering you that much, but don't go picking fights just for the sake of it."
Soonyoung breathes, moving to grab Jihoon's hand off his shoulder and holding it against his chest. A small smile tugs to life, and Jihoon feels a spark go off somewhere inside him. It's quick and warm and leaves him tingling, but that's just what Soonyoung does. He just exists, and Jihoon's a whole mess for it.
"You're good at this," Soonyoung mumbles, "calming me down, reasoning."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, it's almost like ... you're my better half."
There's a short burst of silence while his words sink in, and then Jihoon's eyes are wide and he's tugging his hand away with a scowl. Soonyoung breaks into a fit of giggles.
"Shut up, I swear to God - "
"I'm sorry," Soonyoung gasps, nearly choking on his own breath. "I'm sorry, but the look on your face - "
"No, fuck you, cheesy son of a bitch. You - You can't just say that."
"Why not?" Soonyoung calms himself down enough to stop laughing and reaches for Jihoon again, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling them closer together. "Why can't I, if I mean it?" Jihoon doesn't meet his stare.
"You don't."
"'Course I do, I'm not messing with you. I just like seeing you all worked up."
"You're an asshole."
"Yes, but I love you, and I really do think you are. My better half, I mean."
Now, Jihoon looks at him. He forces himself to swallow a grin and mutters, "Gross. Vernon wasn't kidding when he said we act like a married couple."
"Okay, but I love that. It just means we're gonna kill it ten years from now. All the other married couples are gonna wish they were as cute as us."
"Again, gross."
Soonyoung gets excited, his voice taking on a sweet, dreamy tone, and he does that thing where he scrunches his nose all cutely. His eyes light up, and Jihoon wants to kiss both of them, if only to see the stars shine a little brighter.
"I can see it now," he grins. "World-famous producer Lee Jihoon, and his astronomer husband. We'll start every morning with coffee and the daily horoscope - "
"As if that's any different to what we do now - "
" - and we'll have pet names for each other, and a studio in the house, so you can work from home, and - and you can write songs about me, and when I finally finish writing my book on astrology I'll put your name under the dedications, and I know you don't like traveling but you gotta grant me at least one trip every now and then, someplace nice, so we can re-live our honeymoon phase - "
"Soonyoung," Jihoon interrupts, "are you hearing yourself?"
Soonyoung inhales deep, exhales. "Loud and clear," he says, and it comes out in one breath.
Jihoon cocks his head to one side, and Soonyoung doesn't even squirm under the weight of his stare, damn him. Soonyoung, so confident he can talk about a future where they're still together and not second guess it. Soonyoung, who's painted a picture Jihoon so desperately wants to be a part of.
Part of him is aware of the fact that Soonyoung's begun rambling again, but the words are far-off and echoing at the back of his mind, barely perceptible. Jihoon's too busy thinking of everything else to pay attention to whatever new material Soonyoung's offering him; he's too busy slipping into that dream, imagining what it might be like to actually live that life.
It's years off, but Soonyoung isn't.
On impulse, Jihoon cuts him off with a kiss. Soonyoung shuts up immediately and melts into him, moving so that his hands are on Jihoon's waist and the space between them is nonexistent. By now, they must've kissed a hundred times - but Jihoon doesn't think he'll ever get used to the way it makes him feel.
The sheer force of the affection surging through him is enough to give him vertigo, make the world spin crazy, so all he can do is hold Soonyoung tighter to keep his balance. He feels warmly helpless, completely vulnerable and at Soonyoung's will entirely, but in a nice way - nice, like Soonyoung's mouth is on his, he's doing that thing with his tongue, and Jihoon's heart could win an Olympic gold medal for acrobatics.
When they pull apart, it's Jihoon who speaks first.
"You've given this a lot of thought, huh?"
Soonyoung grins. "This might be hard for you to believe, Jihoon, but I literally don't think about anything that doesn't involve you. So yeah, actually. I have."
Jihoon could say he's been thrown off his axis, that Soonyoung knocked into him like a comet and spun him out of his end of the galaxy; he could say that Soonyoung is a world in himself, and Jihoon's content just orbiting him. Soonyoung is prettier than the brightest star and he makes Jihoon's heart burn twice as hot, he could say that.
"I love you," is what he settles for, and that seems to sum it up quite nicely.