Chapter Text
The sound of the door opening drew Elinor's attention. She turned from gazing out the window to see Colonel Brandon entering the room. He paused when he saw her, looking slightly surprised.
"Forgive me, Miss Dashwood. Am I disturbing you?"
"Not at all, Colonel," Elinor quickly reassured. "I would be delighted with your company."
Brandon seemed to hesitate a moment before coming further into the room and shutting the door behind him. "How is your sister?"
"Much improved." Elinor could not hide the relief she felt at her sister's recovery. She had really thought Marianne might die. "Our mother is with her right now. I must thank you again for bringing her here. Our mother has been a great comfort to Marianne as she recovers her strength."
Brandon nodded, looking a bit uncomfortable with the praise. "I was happy to be of service." He took a moment to study Elinor. "And you? How are you faring?"
"Me?" Elinor asked in surprise. She had not been sick.
Brandon's stiff air softened at her obvious surprise. "You have been assiduous in the care of your sister. I can only imagine how worried you must have been."
Reminded of her fear, Elinor had to look away. Marianne had only woken from her fever this morning. It was still too fresh for Elinor, but she forced herself to turn back to the Colonel and offer a strained smile. "She is better now. That is all that matters."
Brandon nodded, but said nothing else. He again studied Elinor, who was suddenly conscious of her unkempt state. She had fallen asleep at Marianne's bedside while still in her clothes, and had not fixed her hair in the meantime. The neat rows she usually styled it in were likely messy and beginning to come undone. She could only imagine the state of her appearance.
She did not fear losing the Colonel's good opinion over something so trifling when the obvious source of her current disarray was her sister's grave illness; nonetheless, Elinor flushed when she realized, and it took all her self-control not to reach up to smooth her hair out as that would only call more attention to it.
"Miss Dashwood . . ." Brandon looked suddenly discomfited. He glanced away, and his sudden change in demeanor chased away any thought Elinor had of herself.
"Colonel?"
He did not respond immediately, and Elinor thought he was weighing something in his mind. When he turned back, it did not look as if he'd reached a decision for his expression conveyed a conflicted nature. "Miss Dashwood, your sister is only recently recovered, and I cannot ignore that you have likely retreated here to restore your own piece of mind after the fright of your sister's illness. It is the worst of times to demand your attention, but I . . ."
"There is something you wish to say?" Elinor guessed. She could not imagine what the Colonel could want to disclose, although she was reminded of the last revelation he had offered her in Willoughby's scandalous behavior to his young ward.
Colonel Brandon took a deep breath and walked towards a bookcase on the far wall. He touched the shelf but did not read the book titles, clearly still wrestling with some decision.
Concerned, Elinor offered, "Rest assured that I am not inconvenienced by your presence. Indeed, I welcome your company. If there is something you wish to say, I do not hold the timing ill-judged. My sister does not need me at present. You have my permission to speak on any subject."
"I wonder if you would be so forthright in your permission if you knew the subject of my thoughts," Brandon said quietly, apparently to himself.
Before Elinor could reply, he turned to face her. "If I were a better man, I would hold my tongue and quit the room, but I find I cannot deny this opportunity. I will take you at your word, though I think it likely you will regret it."
"I think you are too hard on yourself, Colonel. If you would forgive me, I have seen it on several occasions in our conversations. Whatever it is that distresses you will not be so bad, I am sure," Elinor said.
"We shall see." Brandon again fell silent and continued his slow wandering around the room. Elinor waited patiently, wondering what could possibly be occupying his mind.
When he finally returned his attention to her, his expression was carefully guarded. "As I am committed to this breach in etiquette, perhaps I could also indulge in a point of curiosity. Understand, it is only to satisfy my own inquisitiveness and as such, I would not insist upon an answer. Indeed, I demand that if you do not desire to answer, then you must not."
Elinor frowned in confusion but nodded. Brandon hesitated again but only briefly. Squaring his shoulders, he said, "Since I first knew you, there has been a quiet sadness in your eyes. It has increased since our reunion in London, but it has always been there. I wish to know . . . Is there someone who holds your heart?"
Elinor could not hide how shocked she was at the bold inquiry. "Colonel?"
Brandon shook his head. "I realize it is an unworthy question to ask." He turned away to pace the length of the bookcase, looking ill-at-ease with himself. "And I would not ask except . . ."
"Except?"
Elinor's question was not answered. Brandon would not meet her eye, doubtless as scandalized with himself as Elinor was of the question. It was not like him.
It was precisely that fact that inclined Elinor to answer when she never would have otherwise. She had had many conversations with Brandon since their introduction, and she had never found him anything but gentlemanly and upstanding. He was not close enough to share such intimacies, but Elinor did not doubt any such confidence she shared would be in the safest hands with him.
It had been so hard these last few weeks keeping Lucy's secret that Elinor did long to speak of it to someone. At the same time, she also wished never to speak of it to anyone, heartsore at her loss and ashamed that she had ever thought Edward's attentions could mean more than they did.
Haltingly, she said, "There was a young man I . . . cared for, but it came to nothing. There are no prospects there."
Brandon looked surprised that she answered, and now it was Elinor who could not meet his eyes.
"I had not realized . . . I did not see . . ." Brandon sighed, and looked out the window. "There has been a great deal of that lately, I suppose."
Frowning, Elinor gave him a puzzled look but he only shook his head. Wherever his mind had gone, he clearly turned from it and returned to the original topic with a suddenness that called attention to itself.
"I wish to be understood. That is the true reason I am speaking now. I feel I will burden you with knowledge better left unknown, but your good opinion matters very much to me so I cannot keep silent."
He finally turned to face her, looking earnest. "I fear you will feel constrained to make a decision I am not asking of you. That is not my intention. My intention is solely to be understood."
Elinor nodded, as he seemed to want that, but she was confused.
Brandon accepted her wordless agreement but did not look comforted by it. His whole being radiated unease, and Elinor wished she knew what to say to relieve his worry.
Resuming his pacing, Brandon spoke to the walls around him as he said, "To begin with, I must explain something of myself. You know of my history with Eliza, but I doubt you have heard anything of Eliza herself."
A sad, bittersweet expression crossed his face. "When I think of her, I try to remember her as she was in our youth: headstrong, vibrant, full of life. She was the opposite of me in many ways, and I think that is what drew me to her. I have always been reserved and quiet. Eliza encouraged boldness in me, and I marveled at her openness."
He took a deep shuddering breath as emotion threatened to overwhelm him. Elinor felt great pity when she saw it, for him and the woman he had loved. She wondered anew that he was confessing these things to her, but she trusted that he opened these wounds for a worthwhile reason.
Forcing himself to continue, Brandon said, "When I first saw your sister, I was struck profoundly by the resemblance to Eliza. Miss Marianne shares so many of Eliza's traits that I think you could easily imagine what Eliza was like. For a while, it was like having Eliza back."
"Until Willoughby," Elinor whispered.
Brandon nodded. "It did not happen immediately, but the events in London and here at Cleveland have given me ample time for self-reflection, and I have come to some startling conclusions about myself and the nature of my affections."
"What do you mean?"
Brandon opened his mouth but then shut it, apparently changing his mind. He thought a moment, and then said, "What I wish to speak of is you, Miss Dashwood."
Elinor was taken aback at the sudden change of topic and the content. "Me? How so?"
"Throughout my association with you and your sister, you have been constant in your kindness and consideration to me. I noted immediately that as your sister's attention turned towards Willoughby, you made a point of occupying the time she had spent with me in her stead."
"Yes, well, Marianne did not realize how her actions were . . ." Elinor wasn't sure how to politely say her sister had been rude and she had felt obliged to make up for it.
Fortunately, Brandon did not make her say it. "I saw nothing wrong with your sister's manner, although I knew you and others did not agree. I felt guilty that you should have felt any need to make up for it, certainly not to me."
Elinor was quick to argue, "There is nothing to feel guilty for. I have always enjoyed your company, Colonel. If my sister's behavior was the instigation for a closer affiliation, I have only had benefit from it."
Offering a faint but genuine smile, Brandon said, "I am glad to hear it. In the course of our acquaintance, I have felt we have developed a strong rapport."
"I agree. I count you among my friends, and am happy to do so."
If that was the pronouncement he had been angling to hear, it did not appear to give him joy. His smile dimmed, and then faded away. His gaze turned to the bookcase but Elinor was sure he did not see it.
When he did not speak again, Elinor stood and approached him. "Colonel?"
Seeing her at his elbow, Brandon smiled again. His eyes were sad though. "Your sister is a delightful young woman. She is lovely in so many ways, but I have come to believe that I have not truly seen her until recently. What I loved -- what I thought I loved -- was a reflection of a woman I loved a long time ago, one I had long ago laid to rest in my heart."
His words caused alarm in Elinor, who finally thought she saw what it was he wished to say. Had Marianne lost his affections? Elinor was aghast at the thought, stunned into silence.
If Brandon saw that, he made no sign. His focus had turned to Elinor again, his eyes scanning over her face. There was a warmth to his eyes that Elinor could not appreciate as her mind tripped over the sudden implication of his words for her sister.
"But I see you," Brandon said, pulling Elinor's attention back to him. He reached out his hand as if to take hers but hesitated, and then let it drop. "We are very quiet, you and I. Easily overlooked. I am used to it. While I understand the phenomenon, I did not realize I was susceptible to it myself. I overlooked you. You stood by me, and I did not see you as you deserve."
"Colonel, that's really not-" Elinor tried to protest.
Brandon did not allow it. "I see you now. I see what you have come to mean to me. It is not just Miss Marianne I have been concerned about. I see that you too have been suffering, and it cuts me to the bone to see. I would do anything for either of you, but especially you, Miss Dashwood."
Elinor was flustered by his words, and confused by the warmth of his gaze as he looked at her. "Colonel, there is no need for that. I am well, I assure you. Whatever it is you have seen in me to cause you worry, it is not incumbent upon you to make right, assuming correction is even necessary. Do not be worried for my sake."
Her words seemed to make Brandon sad. "I do not agree with your assessment, but I fear I have blundered this badly if our discussion has turned to this. It was not my intention."
"What was your intention, Colonel?" Elinor said, no longer feeling that she really wanted to know.
Brandon looked at her for a long moment before quietly replying, "I wanted to express my affection for you, Miss Dashwood. While your sister has occupied my mind, it is you who have occupied my heart."
Elinor had only been this shocked once before in her life, when Lucy told her of her engagement to Edward. She had never again thought anything could render her speechless, but she had been wrong.
"But you love Marianne," Elinor blurted out, unmindful of her words in her stunned state.
Brandon sighed. "I care about your sister, yes, but the partiality that you -- and everyone else -- ascribe to me is inaccurate."
"But . . ." Elinor did not know what to say. Her mind was reeling with the implications of this declaration, concerned foremost for her sister. Elinor had hoped that now that Willoughby was gone, Marianne might be more open to Brandon's suit, and that Brandon would soothe the pain of Willoughby's betrayal.
To learn that Brandon was out of her sister's reach and that Elinor was the cause of potential grief for Marianne was absolutely appalling. Elinor couldn't even contemplate that Brandon could love her.
Elinor could not imagine what her expression told Brandon as he watched her, but the sad look returned to his gaze. Sighing, he walked to the window to look out at the gardens.
"Your misconception was my own." His words were quiet and sad. "I let myself be caught up in the possibility of breathing new life into old memories. I did not see what it was I was really pining for."
He turned to look at Elinor. "Not until I saw what my heart truly yearned for."
"Colonel, I am not a creature of excitement or vitality. Marianne is upset currently, but I have no doubt she will recover her liveliness in short order. I will never be so spirited. I am dull and too cautious."
"Please don't." He looked pained. "Do not disparage yourself like that. I cannot bear to hear it."
Elinor swallowed back her words, unsure what to do to fix this. Brandon inhaled slowly, and turned to her. "I wish to be understood. That is the point of this conversation for me. I know that it will seem that I have gone from loving your sister to loving you, and you would rightly think me inconstant and cruel. I would say my affections for your sister have not changed. My well wishes for her happiness remain firm. I do not think that I have changed so completely. I did not understand myself, and therein lies the confusion. But that has changed. I do understand myself now. I have given much thought to this to make sure I do not make the same mistake twice. I am firm in my affection for you, Miss Dashwood. Do you believe that?"
Elinor shook her head. "I am nothing like Marianne, who is like your lost Eliza. I find it very puzzling that you should turn to me, so I'm afraid I am in doubt of the truth of your words."
"I am not surprised," Brandon said. "I suspect many will see things as you have. Indeed, I struggled with the very same conundrum. My eye has always turned to bright, vivacious souls." He offered her a chagrined smile. "While I find nothing wanting with you or your quiet demeanor, vivacious is not really the term to describe you."
"No." Elinor couldn't help a small smile of her own, although it could not last in such a conversation.
"As I said, I wish to be understood, so let me explain myself. I said that Eliza fascinated me because she was so different to me. Miss Marianne is similarly captivating. But fascination is not love. I have great affection for your sister, but I cannot say how well I truly know her."
"Can you not?" Elinor asked. "Marianne hides nothing of herself, and gives her opinion openly on anything that takes her fancy."
"While you are circumspect?" Brandon finished. "Yes, Marianne speaks her mind but she is not inclined to speak on subjects that do not interest her. Her mind is very much on her own circumstances, as it should be for someone so young. That is not the case with you. I have had such thoughtful and enlightening conversations with you, Miss Dashwood. I do not always feel comfortable opening up to others, but there is such ease with you. I find myself looking forward to any moment I can spend with you, and any new information I hear, I wish immediately to hear your opinion of it."
Elinor was heartened by his words. "I have felt similarly, but surely that is merely friendship."
"And should I not desire a dear friend for my lifelong companion?" Brandon asked. "But that is not all. That was merely the opening of my eyes. If I am to be really bold, I would tell you how uplifted your presence makes me when you enter into a room. Were I a poet, I would wax about the beauty I find in your countenance. I would say that you have lifted the shadow of Eliza from my heart, and made me anxious for each new day to start. Do you believe me now when I say I love you?"
Elinor had never had anyone say such things to her before, and she could not refute him. But she could not meet his declaration with joy, thinking of her sister.
Brandon seemed to guess her thoughts. Turning his attention back out the window, he said, "I know that by my actions, I have given rise to the common belief that it is your sister who holds my heart, and I have created an obligation thereof." He looked back at Elinor. "You fear that I will not hold to that obligation."
"I was hoping it was not an obligation," Elinor said.
"I suppose I hoped that too, or I would not have marked my attentions as I had," Brandon said sadly. "Have no fear. If you do not countermand it by returning my affections and your sister desires it, I will hold to my obligation to her. I will ask for your sister's hand in marriage, and you have my promise that I will do all in my power to provide her with the affection and care she deserves. She will never be given cause to think that my affection for her is not as great as she believes it to be."
Brandon reached out again, finally taking Elinor's hand in his. "But I cannot be dishonest with my feelings to you, Miss Dashwood. I do not want any secrets between us."
"And that is why you have revealed all of this to me?"
"I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that hopes you return my affections, and would accept a proposal, should I make it," Brandon said. Elinor's eyes widened at that, but he quickly continued, "But I promised that I would not force a decision on you, and I hold by that. I only wish to be understood. I will speak no more of this."
He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand, and then released it. Elinor watched him walk to the door, completely speechless.
Brandon opened the door but then paused. "I know that I have imposed upon you tremendously, but there is one other thing I wish to ask of you." He looked back at her, eyes sad. "If you were to contemplate a union with me, I would not have you forget your own feelings in the matter. I know you weight your sister's happiness highly, but you matter too. I would not have you forget that."
He nodded to her, and slipped out.
Elinor sank down in a chair, stunned by the whole conversation.