Work Text:
Today 4:20pm • SEE MORE: DATING
TOKYO—Last Friday, The Onion attempted to interview as many former student councils of Otonokizaka High School as it could for an article about the history of that esteemed Tokyo school. We began with undoubtedly the most famous of them all, the energetic duo of President Ayase Eli, 23, and Vice President Toujou Nozomi, 24, of the former idol group μ’s. However, the conversation quickly turned to places the interviewer had not been expecting.“Elicchi and I have been dating for five years now!” Toujou, currently studying photography at Tokyo University, said to break the ice.
Things quickly went south for our reporter as Ayase turned to Toujou with an immediate look of confusion and befuddlement. It soon became apparent to both the reporter and Toujou that Ayase was completely unaware of this relationship of which she was taking part in. “I just thought that’s what friends did,” Ayase replied upon further questioning.
“I genuinely didn’t know,” she said.
Our reporter requested Toujou’s opinion on the matter but she was laughing too hard to provide any comment. When pressed further about the exact nature of their relationship, Ayase provided our reporter with the details. “Well, we live together and we’ve both said ‘I love you,’ gone on dates, had sex… once or twice.” Questioned further as to the veracity of her statement, Ayase immediately caved. “Maybe more than twice. Maybe a lot more… Definitely more.”
At this point, Toujou’s spasms of laughter had subsided to the point where she was coherent enough to be understood by our reporter. “It… takes a lot to impress me…” Toujou said in between upsurges of giggling. “But I really think this takes the cake, Elicchi.”
“I thought the sex had tipped her off, but... I guess not,” Toujou noted when the two were questioned individually.
Deciding to forego the interview’s initial purpose, we pursued this thread instead and reached out to the couple’s close friends for comment. “We all thought they were dating and that Eli-chan was just being shy as usual,” said Kousaka Honoka, 23, when asked about the couple.
“It finally happened, huh?” said Minami Kotori, 22, barely able to stifle her laughter. “Eli-chan would always ask me how to initiate a relationship with Nozomi-chan. ‘Kotori, how do I get her to see me as something other than a friend? Kotori, we’ve kissed but I don’t think she meant anything by it.’ Eli-chan can be really cute sometimes, but… I can’t help but feel sorry for Nozomi-chan.”
“I honestly thought they would have figured it out by now,” said Minami.
We next decided to joint-interview one Nishikino Maki, 22, and one Yazawa Nico, 24, on the subject. “Honestly, Nico thinks she’s the only one here who’s been bashing her face against the table for seven years now. Nobody else knew what Nico knew. Nobody else suffered like Nico suffered,” Yazawa, a long time friend of the couple, said. “Nozomi is too much of a bottom to say anything. I’m sure she just assumed,” Yazawa added.
“God, Eli was even worse! Clever and cute my fucking ass. ‘Nico-chan I think she likes me! Nico-chan we made out, but I don’t think it meant anything! Nico-chan, is sex something that friends do??’ God! Some of us are single and thirsty — don’t need to rub it in, prick!!” finished Yazawa.
“We’ve been dating for seven years now,” Nishikino, currently a music major at Tokyo University, helpfully added.
“Say what, now?”
Nishikino only sighed. “Just a joke, Nico-chan. Don’t worry about it.”
The look Nishikino gave the interviewer could only be described as one of utter despair.
SHARE THIS STORY
Nico stared at the screen in unresponsive shock. Next to her, Nico’s phone was blowing up with messages.
bakachika: hmmMM?
bakachika: baka elicchi????
bakachika: what’s that nico-chan??? :)))
nozotiddy: F
bakachika: ah but the number one idol in the universe nico nico-nii would never right??
bakachika: only dummy elicchi :/
bakachika: fuck u
Ignoring the flurry of notifications, Nico quickly made her way to her contacts… Breadmonger, never again, Rice Angel, probably later, tomatofucker69 — just a sec, aha! There she was. Holding the phone up to her ear, Nico waited until she heard it pick up.
“Uh, hey. Nico is… gonna have to take off our appointment for this week. … And next week.”
Aqours would be disappointed, but their favorite personal trainer had some business she needed to deal with. The call quickly ended, and Nico’s finger inexorably hovered over tomatofucker69. Nico sighed, running a hand down her face. It was now or never. She hit call. It rang once, then twice, before picking up. Silence greeted her on the other line.
“I am so fucking sorry, Maki.”